8 minute read
Envy & Jealousy at Work
Is Envy & Jealousy Dominating
You?
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- Dorothy Corkille Briggs
How often have you desired a job, project or role that was offered to one of your colleagues? Have you wished your peer well but felt a well of envy building up or even worse did you become jealous of your teammate? We have probably all felt the pangs of envy at some time in our career. Sometimes a little envy maybe the impetus to self-improvement. Particularly, if we recognise what made us feel envious or jealous. However, when you allow negative emotions to dominate your thoughts, your negativity will become hard to hide, may jeopardise your career trajectory, and may prevent you from realising your maximum potential.
Envy or Jealousy
We often use Envy and Jealousy interchangeably but in truth these two negative emotions are quite different. Envy s the feeling we have when we want something that someone else has. Perhaps you want a new company car just like your colleague. You may feel envious of a colleague if they receive a promotion that you applied for but missed out on. You may feel the sting of envy particularly if you feel you were the better candidate. Jealousy is quite a different feeling. You feel jealousy over something that you already have but are afraid of losing. Competition in a workplace may trigger jealousy. If you manage a key client, but a colleague is campaigning to takeover that client, you may feel a jealous, particularly if the relationships and networks are still developing and not that strong. You might become jealous of your colleague if they develop a close relationship with your manager. You may become worried that you will be overlooked for career or project opportunities.
Conquering Envy & Jealousy
Whether you find yourself becoming envious or jealous in the workplace, or for that matter in any situation, these emotions arise from your own or other people’s insecurities. Often these negative emotions will manifest into negative behaviours. People may become disparaging of another’s success and may start distancing themselves from the person at the centre of their envy or jealousy. But these feelings can be managed.
8 Ways to Conquer Envy & Jealousy
1. Find the cause of your negative emotions, ask why until you find the root cause. 2. Improve your own self-worth with continued learning and experience the different 3. Build your workplace and social networks into solid relationships 4. Develop intentional communication to discuss the wins, challenges and concerns 5. If you’re a high achiever find the opportunity to mentor your peers 6. Observe people’s signals, cues and behaviours to strengthen your relationships 7. Celebrate your colleagues success and learn to be genuinely happy for them 8. Know when to squash the problem and have someone intervene if necessary
It is worth remembering people rarely succeed on the first attempt. Your colleague’s success will have come with many setbacks throughout their career. So celebrate their win, foster good social and workplace relationships and your time to shine will come too!
Gaslighting
Recognising the Villian
As we start to regroup and return to the office, we need to again become aware of office politics, team dynamics, bullyies, backstabbers, those who seek to harm us for their own career advatage. We also need ot recognise and have the skillset to react darker villians who may seek to undermine our confidence. Gaslighting is one ways these villians may set out to weaken us emotionally. We have all been guilty of saying “You’ve already told me that” or “You don’t know what you are doing”, “You are being over sensitive”. In general these little phrases are simply statements of fact. But if these little statements or similar words are used over and over again to undermine your confidence and belief in yourself, someone may be trying to manipulate you by Gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. The abuse is gradual and may leave victims feeling confused, anxious, and unable to trust themselves, cognitively or emotionally. Anyone can experience gaslighting, in intimate relationships, in social interactions or even in the workplace. It is especially common where there is an imbalance of power within the relationship. The term “gaslighting” actually originates from playwright Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 mystery thriller “Gas Light”. You may
be familiar with the 1944 movie starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. The story reveals a diabolic plot by the husband Gregory who manipulates his trusting wife Paula into believing she is losing her mind and can no longer trust her own perceptions of reality, so that he can have her committed into a mental institution and steal her inheritance. Contemporary, Noregian mystery drama series “Outlier” is a modern teledrama highlighting gaslighting in personal and workplace relationships through its subplots. Most people have experienced gaslighting at some point in our lives. So it is important to learn how to recognise the technique, deal with it, and minimize any psychological impact. If not dealt with, psychologists warn gaslighting can have a devastating and long-term impact on our emotional, psychological, and even physical well-being. It’s important to also understand that the genuine disagreement within a relationship may be beneficial and is not gaslighting.
Gaslighting in the Office
It could be your manager, co-worker, a client, a frenemy or even the person in human resources. It is important to identify not only their behaviours but you behaviours as well. Some signs you may be victim to a gaslighter include: • You overwork yourself just to “prove yourself” • You feel incompetent • You lack self confidence • You are uncharacteristically jealous or insecure
Gaslight Techniques
Gaslighting follows a gradual abusive approach, making it difficult for the victim to detect. Some techniques a person may use to gaslight someone include: Countering: questioning the victim’s memories. “You never remember things accurately,” or “Are you sure? Withholding: refusing to engage in a conversation. “I do not know what you are talking about,” or “you are just trying to confuse me.” Trivializing: belittling the victim’s feelings. “You’re just being too sensitive” or “You are overreacting” Denial: pretending to forget events. “That didn’t happen” or “Your just making that up to confuse me” Diverting: refocussing of a discussion to question the victim’s credibility. “that is just another crazy idea you got from your friends.” Stereotyping: intentionally using negative stereotypes of the victim’s gender, race, ethnicity, sexuality, nationality, or age to manipulate them. “Everyone will think you crazy if you go to a psychologist”.
If you are going to trust one person, ”let it be yourself.
― Robert Tew
How to deal with Gaslighting
Identify the Perpetrator’s Behavior
Patterns - Look out for patterns that confuse you and consider whether they are gaslighting you. Trust Your Instincts - Trust yourself, your thoughts and your feelings. Stand Strong - Don’t let their words or actions affect you or your work. Document everything - Keep a diary, write down what was done and said, later look for patterns of behaviour. Consciously Affirm Your Self Beliefs - Remind yourself that your work is valuable and you are valued. Be direct - Try to address the situations directly with the gaslighter. Talk to a colleague you can trust - If it feels safe, bring up what’s been happening and ask if they’ve been harassed in this way as well. Meet with Management - Stay professional and address the issue with your manager and bring your notes. Let it go - You can’t control anyone’s opinion, the only person whose opinion you can control is your own. Consider moving on – if there is no solution, you need to look after yourself. Leaving this job may be the best career move you will ever make.
Examples of Gaslighting at Work:
The gaslighter: - says they never got the presentation you definitely turned in on time and you have the sent receipt in your email outbox, makes a racist or sexist comment only to condemn it when other colleagues do the same thing, shifts or borrows and replaces items on your desk without asking, says it’s fine to skip that a.m. meeting but then emails you about missing the meeting, or changes company policies to suit their own objective, whim or mood.
― Wayne Gerard Trotman
Gaslighters are people
While we might wish to hate them, gaslighters are people too! And gaslighting is a learned behaviour. The gaslighter may not be acting with malicious intent nor even realize that they are using Gaslighting behaviours. “The gaslighter may not even know he is doing anything strategic or manipulative. He lacks self-awareness and may just think he is expressing himself directly, or is prone to unflinching honesty…” ― Robyn Stern
Love yourself
If you are in a compromising dynamic, practising some self-love may not be easy. Make time each day to gift yourself some kindness and allow yourself to believe in yourself and to feel your emotions. This will help you when you are not feeling confident and strong. If you are struggling, seek professional help. There is no shame only strength in admitting you need some help to recover.
― Harvey Fierstein
Abundance
1. The state or condition of having a copious quantity of something; plentifulness 2. Plentifulness of the good things of life; prosperity
