I was trucking along quite well until COVID reared its ugly head again. I was packing for Queenstown, poised to hand in my assignments early and hit the slopes. I could practically taste the perfectly creamed hot chocolate, warming my soul and melting snow from my boots. You may be thinking, ‘Emma your privilege is showing…’ but I truly was excited for a stress-free winter break, as I’m sure many kiwis were. Last year when New Zealand locked down there were no expectations, no preconceived ideas of what we should be doing or why. I was paid a government subsidy, got really good at running and spent most of my time snapchatting people I no longer have contact with. Funny how things change. How time and experience give us the wisdom to look back and say, “wow that was a weird period in my life.” This leads me nicely into what this issue is all about- advice. At its most basic level, advice is guidance or recommendations for what someone should do that are worthy of following. So even if I had a PhD in advice-giving (which I don’t), it’s entirely up to the individual reading this to choose to take it on board. There have certainly been times in the last year when others’ good advice has fallen upon my deaf ears, simply because I didn’t ask for or want their guidance. For this issue we’ve collated stories and lived experiences that offer advice on how we got through them, how you can do the same and things we’d do differently in hindsight. We hope they’re helpful or at least potentially helpful. If not, enjoy the pictures.
Emma x
Dear, Me.
A COLLECTION OF STORIES AND ADVICE FROM YOU, OUR READERS. IN THE FORM OF A LETTER: “WHAT I WISH I COULD’VE TOLD MY YOUNGER SELF”
Life is str essful and har d. T her e will be plenty of times that you get ang r y or sad about it. Her e's my advice to you: Anything you ar e wor ried or insecur e about at this moment, let it go. I t a l l b e g i n s a n d e n d s i n y o u r m i n d . W h a t y o u g i v e p o w e r t o h a s p o w e r o v e r y o u a n d h o n e s t l y, i n 5 y e a r s t i m e y o u w o n ’ t g i v e a s e c o n d t h o u g h t t o t h e t h i n g s t h a t a r e t r o u b l i n g y o u r i g h t n o w. We a r e t h e b e s t m i s j u dg e o f o u r o w n a b i l i t i e s, d o n ' t b e s o q u i ck t o p u t y o u r s e l f d o w n a s y o u a r e mor e than capable. Stay fir m in this, be confident. I also suggest that maybe you shouldn't give so much to those who don't deser ve your time, it's star ting to get obvious that they ar e draining y o u r e n e r g y. S t o p h a n g i n g o u t w i t h p e o p l e w h o d o t h e l e a s t j u s t b e c a u s e i t m a k e s y o u f e e l l e s s n u m b. I pr omise that cutting those toxic people out will not make you lonely and in the futur e you will t h a n k y o u r s e l f ! Yo u r w e l l b e i ng i s s o m u ch m o r e v a l u a b l e t h a n t h e u p k e e p o f a t ox i c f r i e n d s h i p o r r e l a t i o n s h i p, a s s o o n a s yo u c a n r e c og n i s e t h a t t h i s i s t h e s i t u a t i o n yo u a r e i n yo u n e e d t o ge t o u t . A t t h e e n d o f t h e d a y, t h i s i s y o u r l i f e t o l i v e a n d y o u r h a p p i n e s s i s m o r e i m p o r t a n t . Do not blame your self for things that ar e unavoidable. I n t e r m s o f m e n t a l h e a l t h , t h e b e s t t h i ng yo u ' ve eve r d o n e fo r yo u r s e l f wa s a s k fo r h e l p. It didn't make you less of a man/woman/person like you thought. It does not belittle you, it does n o t m a k e y o u w e a k . Yo u a r e i m p o r t a n t a n d s o i s a n y t h i ng t h a t y o u a r e h av i ng t o go t h r o u g h . I t ' s s o i n c r e d i b l y n o r m a l t o s o m e t i m e s f e e l s t r e s s e d o r n e g a t i v e . I t i s o k a y n o t t o b e o k a y, w e A L L get like that and it's impor tant to look after your self in those situations. Sometimes the only solution is just to take a day for your self. Dr op your shoulder s, r elax your jaw and take a big br eath. E m o t i o n s a r e b e a u t y a n d a r t a n d h e l p f u l t o y o u r i n s t i n c t s b u t t h e y a r e n o t a l l o f t r u t h . Yo u a r e allowed to take time, time allows for under standing. Fuck all that people say about healing ever yone has a differ ent time and path, it may take you longer or shor ter than you expect. Soon enough you will under stand how moving away fr om the things that b ur den you is the easiest t h i n g y o u c a n d o t o l o v e y o u r s e l f . L o v i n g y o u r s e l f i s s o k e y t o l i v i n g h a p p i l y. B e c a u s e t h e n , i t g iv e s u s t h e a b i l i t y t o l o v e o t h e r p e o p l e j u s t a s m u ch . D o n ' t b e a f r a i d o f t h a t e i t h e r. Yo u s e e, y o u r h e a r t m ay b r e a k b u t i t c a n a l s o b e m e n d e d . There is no need for fear when it comes to love as I guarantee that despite the outcome, you will be grateful for the experience. Surround yourself with positive people but also remember that just because people are positive does not mean that they are necessarily a positive influence for you; don't get these two confused and trust your gut. Tr usting your intuition is the ultimate act in tr usting your self. It r einfor ces the power you have within yourself and that is really important. I love you so much, you deserve all of this love. Now go and pick your self up and do the shit that needs doing! Stop pr ocrastinating, pr omise you will feel so much better afterwar ds.
Lots of Love, Me.
At the start of the year I was both internally and externally worn out, I had been working 7 days a week through the whole summer to keep busy and take my mind off of my last relationship and how broken I had felt because of it. Just before University started up again in February I quit one of my jobs and moved into a new apartment as the place I had previously called home didn’t feel like a safe place for me anymore. I also made sure to talk out everything with my ex and really stand up for myself within that conversation. Cutting contact with them completely was what helped me let go the most as well as writing lots of songs about them haha. I also had a conversation with my boss at the time and told them how drained working made me feel and everything I felt could be improved in the working environment. Soon after they fixed everything and met up with me weekly to check up on me. Something that helped me a bit also was reading the book ‘Women don’t owe you pretty’, it has completly changed my perspective on a lot of things and experiences I encounter as a woman and I encourage all my friends to give it a go, even if you don’t like reading I found it easy to get through. Making video diaries really help me too. Documenting the difficulties of the month and what I believe I’ve improved on can be really theraputic. Looking back on the ones from last year have helped me recognise my own strength, beauty, resilience and just how much the universe is really looking after me as there is always something good to come out of my low moments. Finally I have come out of this period of stagnation where I constantly felt conflicted and deceived and now feel like I am abundantly surrounded by true friends and people that love me; I haven’t been able to say that in a long time. Obviously everyone says this but self love is so incredibly key to being happy, I have worked really hard on my spiritual and practical self this year as well as being able to be independent and feel a sense of self fulfilment. For now I’m just working on balancing my good side and my bad as sometimes I wake up feeling like I love myself so much and other times I feel the opposite I think once I’ve got this under wraps it will really allow me to open new doors and let in people romantically again but for now I am content with where I am at and I believe in myself enough to understand that what is for me will come to me and that someone is out there for me
- Mila
Wi Love, From Mila
…
I'd like to share some photos with you, these are all taken last year. A lot of them you will have seen on my instagram before. You see, I dont think i’ve been more mentally ill in my life than during this time
and this time and even more so in this one. It's a clear reminder that things aren't as they seem in the pictures and how incredibly careful we need to be around others. Everyone is going through something and it's so easy to forget that. Look after eachother, the world is so crazy right now and it's hard to feel so stuck in it all. Like you're in a room that's constantly closing in on you. It’s suffocating. I get it, I know exactly how you feel. All we can do is be kind and conscientious.
Under The Influ ence by
Lib by Sm ith
Too often we do not say what is knotting around our ribs the words aching to hug another. That drink will not untie the tangles inside your chest or the ribbons along your tongue. You must let yourself go—gently. Break the glass my love let yourself be cracked and see that everyone else is too.
HOW TO FIND YOURSELF: …
its ok
to be sad sometimes
just know that things can and will be so much better soon
Dear Em,
It feels weird writing this when I know everything you’ve had to go through so far. Every moment that you think feels so huge right now and are making out to be the end of the world, realistically is only a minor blip in your life’s blueprint. So welcome, younger me, to a letter I wrote just for you. All about the stuff I’d wish I’d known when I was your age, from the same person who is muddling through life currently and learning more every day. You are surrounded by different groups of people that care for you and love you. These are the ones you should hold tight to. They are the ones that will be there as you grow. Through each phase of life, keep turning to your friends and your family. Even when you feel at your lowest, let them pull you in and don’t recoil away because you’re embarrassed by your feelings. Allow yourself to feel. And when dad tells you he’s worried and wants you to go to therapy- LISTEN THE FIRST TIME AND GO. This is a huge step you’ll make towards getting better and I’m so grateful that you will. I know how you try to mask and hide your sadness. How you sit alone at the beach binge-eating when you should be in statistics class. How you ball your fists and retreat to your room. You feel isolated and know you’re being the epitome of a moody teenager but it’s bigger than that and you can’t seem to help it or stop. It feels easier to be alone in your anger. But young Em, try to remember that you’re currently icing out the people who loved you first and will love you until there is no more air in their lungs. Your sister will become your closest ally and the one you trust with your deepest secrets. Your dad becomes the one man you look up to, for his growth and resilience in the face of all kinds of adversity. Your mum remains a positive, listening ear with an empathetic knowingness at what you’ve been through. Tell them you love and appreciate them more. To finish off this letter, I just want you to take a big ol’ breath girl. Go for a nice long walk around the estuary and enjoy nature. You are doing so well and just need to keep pushing yourself to be brave. Be fearless and kind, abide by your loyalty and let yourself feel everything. Soon enough you won’t cry everyday. You’ve already begun writing the stories you’ll use to speak volumes. People will read your writing and enjoy what you do. Keep going, Em. You’ve got this.
Love always, Me x
Darling,
what do you see when you look in the mirror?
Think of all of the things this body has done for you. It is the one body you have woken up to every single day of your life and the one that has lain with you every single night. It’s carried you through each moment, some of which have not been easy. In fact, some days it’s really fucking difficult to thank your body for it’s service. It’s easier to tear this body down, compare it to others, starve it and hope it looks different tomorrow. There’s no need for that, my love. I hope you can read this and choose yourself if you haven’t already. Make loving yourself a priority. You’ll wake up, look in the mirror and say “seeing you is the best part of my day”. And why shouldn’t it be?! I’ve personally spent years on my journey towards body positivity and self love. It’s a bumpy road that differs for each individual person and everything that has impacted their life thus far. I just want you all to know that I’m still very much on this journey towards unconditionally loving myself for all that I am. I’m thankful for this sack of flesh that carries me from A to B. Other people are thankful for your sack of flesh that carries you from A to B. The more you practice thinking of yourself this way, the easier it becomes.
Perhaps you see your skin. Dotted with summer scrapes, freckles, a crescent moon-shaped birthmark upon your right cheek. Maybe you see your thighs. Strong and silvery stretch-marked from that painful growth period between youth and adulthood. You potentially see hair that cascades down your back like a waterfall, pooling to hide your ears that you hate. These are some of the things you notice right away, what you think are your flaws magnified as soon as your eyes turn toward the glass. Scrutinising yourself in an intense, internal, almost-daily battle of “why aren’t I good enough?” The thing is, dear, that if you saw yourself the way I see you, you’d never feel insecure again. From my point-of-view, I see the entirety of you. Your arms that open to hold others, your infectious smile that lets your eyes crinkle, the way you stand with your shoulders back, exuding power. What everyone else gets to see is this best version of you, the radiance that comes from simply existing for yourself. A being so beautiful in all of their complexities. Deserving of love, opportunities and all this life has to offer. Time spent worrying about the way you look is wasted when you are more than enough just as you are.
EMMA
MILA
HOW TO STAY FOCUSED ON STUDY
…
-Emma
Emma’s tvel advice:
EMMA
MILA
en all you wh
ne ve r
y it
meone a o pr es io k a r m
ar e
o t
is an o p em t i o th n
Em & Mila xx