Proverbs:Wise Words for Wise Living by Sam/Sandra Sheets

The book of Proverbs provides comfort and encouragement in many areas of Christian living. We found it especially instructive in rearing our children and hope they benefit from our interpretation of Proverbs Proverbs 13:24: He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him. To some, this verse invokes images of punishment but, upon deeper study and reflection, we understand it as a loving and encouraging guide to teaching and disciplining a child.

The definition and use of the word discipline devolved from its original root “disciple” (student) to meaning a form of punishment for not following rules. One of the biggest struggles for most is the understanding and application of learning and discipline. Life is a series of making mistakes and learning from them. A child’s brain is an empty vessel regarding the world, its dangers and societal expectations. It is human nature to explore and push all boundaries, which can lead to success and progress. The trick is to teach a child without stunting natural development, doing harm or diminishing the all-important foundation of trust.

It seems many cultures and traditions throughout history have not valued the importance of healthy human development in parenting, instead employing techniques designed for the most immediate (though short-lived) results with the least amount of time and effort – discounting the long-term results and psychological setbacks to the future adult. These traditional customs may have been necessary for survival in earlier civilizations. Now, primitive (sometimes barbaric and cruel) techniques, both physical and psychological, should be retired and replaced with methods that rely on reason, calm and age- appropriate teaching methods, utilizing an understanding of the child’s stage of brain development. This is supported by the Proverb.

Because this is topic is personal (and traditions die hard), I want to double down on the subject. Violent and cruel treatment of children (especially by the parent) is not only unnecessary but also harmful. Many parents believe punishment, either physical or emotional, is the only recourse for their young. This is understandable since history, society and experience often support this approach and the idea that a child is not a whole person deserving of the same respect as an adult, but rather something different and far less. Striking, shouting, threats and angry posturing are expedient and may achieve temporary results, but will also inhibit lasting results built on trust without addressing the actual problem. The parent is the only one on earth a child relies upon for safety, security, protection and love and to assist in comprehending the complex world. When this reliance is violated, the parent-child trust bond is broken and no longer supports important future lessons of life. This is a significant loss for the child as well as for future opportunities for effective parenting. Additional losses for the child are self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem, all of which are slowly developed and quite quickly destroyed. That, sadly, may not be the only lesson learned with striking a child, even if executed “with a loving heart.” A child learns (from the parent) that it is OK to strike another person out of disappointment, anger or disapproval; it sets precedent that it’s acceptable to strike your loved one under the “right” conditions. Additionally, your child should NEVER be OK with “deserving” to be struck by anybody else, neither as a child nor later as an adult.

Scripture is often used to support behavior. “Spare the rod, spoil the child” is a commonly cited example. But that phrase in not found in the Bible – it originated with 17th century English poet Samuel Butler’s satirical polemic, Hudibras, set in the day of rising puritanism. Proverbs 13:24 is close enough though: “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” In that context, I understand a rod to be a Sheppard’s crook used to “guide” the sheep and more in line with Proverbs 22:6 – “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it.”. Taken together, both Scriptures inspire a parent to “guide” and “train” (or teach, discipline being derived from disciple) a child. 3