THE DIVORCE JOURNALIST: ILYSSA PANITZ

By Adam Kluger

What is the most common cause of most divorces?

Ilyssa Panitz: Every marriage is different and so too is every divorce. As to why people decide to file for a divorce, the reasons vary. The most common causes for a divorce are; cheating, lying, addiction, stealing, lack of communication, no intimacy, drifting apart and financial stress.

Research has shown, up to 80% of all divorces are initiated by women. While many women have expressed, they often feel “alone” in their marriage, others have shared the overwhelming pressure they feel juggling a career, a family, and a marriage with little or no help from their spouse. Women have come a long way in the work force, and according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 38% of women are considered to be the primary breadwinners in their marriage. If they have a steady income, regardless if a divorce means a change in their lifestyle, they will pull the plug for the sake of their happiness.

What is the best course of action when kids are involved?

Ilyssa Panitz: Remember who your audience is, your kids. If you and your spouse have decided to get a divorce, you need to have a lot of patience when you sit them down and take center stage to share your decision to separate. Hearing the words, “Mommy and daddy are getting a divorce,” is scary for a child. Be prepared for lots of tears, yelling, confusion, a barrage of questions, and begging you to stay together. That is why I recommend couples work with a therapist. They can guide you on how to open the conversation and explain the situation delicately to kids. Many therapists I have interviewed suggest saying, “Mommy and daddy love you so much and that will never change. I am always your mom. I am always your dad.” Experts also encourage parents to have this talk in the family home, because it is private, and children feel safe in their familiar environment.

Is family therapy a good idea?

Ilyssa Panitz: Yes. Family therapy is a smart idea for everyone in the family. Therapy is a safe space for everyone to share their feelings about the situation and open-up the lines of communication. It is important for mom & dad to know what the children are feeling and learn from a professional how they can help their kids during this transition. Another benefit of family therapy, it can help mom and dad co-parent and avoid potential conflicts in front of the kids.

How can both ex-spouses/parents improve their relationships?

Ilyssa Panitz: While I am not a therapist, I do feel ex-spouses can improve their relationship a few different ways.

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Try to avoid a high conflict divorce because the on-going, long, drawn out battle with lawyers is costly and will likely result in both of you fighting even more. I understand people may be bitter and angry due to the circumstances surrounding the divorce, but anger is expensive, and it’s your kids who will suffer the most. Remember what I said earlier, know your audience, which are your children.

If you and your spouse are not ready to talk to one another because there are negative feelings, yet you still need to communicate when it comes to the kids’ schedules, doctor appointments or coordinating drop-off and pick-ups, sign-up for a membership on a parenting app. There are many to choose from and they reasonably priced. You can upload your kids’ activities, send copies of receipts, exchange emails and share other information about the children without having to call one another.

Focus, focus, focus on you, you, you and not your “ex.” When you pour all your attention on creating what you want your life to look like and take control of making those things happen, you will begin to make peace with your divorce and find your spirit. For instance, I have seen people apply for promotions at work, create a new circle of friends and reinvent themselves with a makeover. The possibilities are endless if you go in with a positive mindset.

It sounds cliché, but I am going to revert-back to the old saying, “time heals all wounds.” It is natural you are going to be hurt and feel a wave of different emotions due to a divorce. But, after time passes and you embark on your new journey, write your next chapter(s), chances are you will be in a better position to form a friendship or be cordial to your “ex,” when you both attend events for the children.

What is the best advice for anyone going through a divorce?

Ilyssa Panitz: My best advice for anyone going through a divorce is to take a cue from Adele’s song that centered on her own divorce, “Go Easy on Me” – that being yourself. It’s okay if you didn’t get the laundry done. It is okay if you forgot to return and email or a text. You are a single parent doing the best you can. Instead of beating yourself up saying, “How could I forget,” remind yourself (write it down if it helps) all the things you accomplished in one day. Look at that list and then pat yourself on the back at the great job you are doing. Something else I highly recommend people do; when your kids are spending time with the other parent do things for yourself such as plan an overdue visit with family and friends, treat yourself to a mani/pedi, take up an exercise class or a hobby to meet other people. After a few times following this routine, you will learn to relish in your alone/self-care time instead of thinking about what your “ex” and the kids are doing without you.

Ilyssa Panitz is the “only” Divorce Journalist in the media industry who is solely committed to “exclusively” covering every angle of this topic.

Prior to creating the “divorce beat” in 2020, Ilyssa was a Reporter/ Producer was for leading media outlets such as CNN, MSNBC, 1010 WINS Radio (NY), WCBS-AM, New York-1 News, Westwood One, Star Magazine, Closer Magazine, and Meredith Publishing. While Ilyssa was front and center on a wide array of media assignments, she is perhaps best known for producing hundreds of “Celebrity at Home” photo shoots and sitting down with some of the biggest names in Hollywood for exclusive, one-on-one interviews.

Today, Ilyssa writes a divorce column for “Authority Magazine” on Medium.

She also serves as the Content/Editorial Producer for The National Association of Divorce Professionals and is the Creator, Writer, Producer and Host of a nationally syndicated & live streaming radio show called, “The Divorce Hour with Ilyssa Panitz” that airs every Saturday and Sunday on CRN Digital Talk Radio and then on Spotify, Google Podcasts, iTunes, Google Home, and Alexa.