Fighting the epidemic of burned-out moms

My friend’s teenage daughter and her friends have a weekend routine.

While Saturday night is friend night, Friday night is self-care night. When possible, they stay home to rest and decompress after a stressful week.

These girls are high school juniors, and given the demands of junior year, I like this habit they’ve adopted. I think it’s a good example of how the next generation values self-care.

The mothers raising them, on the other hand, are still playing catch-up. Unlike our children, we didn’t grow up hearing buzzwords like self-care, self-love, and self-compassion. To no surprise, it left us a little confused. While some moms eagerly embrace self-care, others roll their eyes and see it as vanity or self-indulgence.

Maybe it's because we associate self-care with two opposing extremes. We feel like we must choose one:

The spa day mentality (a constant mindset of “I’ll treat myself because I deserve it”), or

The mommy martyrdom mentality (a mindset of “my kids are my world, and I can’t do anything for myself”).

Neither extreme is healthy because real health means moderation. Overdoing it in either direction can lead to self-worship or self-neglect, both of which hurt a mother and her family.

Am I saying it is wrong to visit a spa, and that motherhood does not require a lot of sacrifice? Absolutely not. Most of us enjoy a good massage and would sacrifice anything for the good of our family.

But after parenting for two decades, I’ve learned there must be a middle ground. There must be self-care that strengthens us — and expands our bandwidth — so we can thrive and handle life trials.

I used to think that self-care meant bubble baths and fancy vacations. It was the “reward” earned by hard work. Today I see self-care as habits, mindsets, and choices that build wellness from the inside out. It’s whatever keeps us healthy in mind, body, and spirit.

I have a counselor friend who coaches moms on improving their mental health. Her clients often tell her, “I know what I need to do, but how?” They feel overwhelmed and crave practical tips on how to fight burnout.

They're not alone, for we're all exhausted on some level. While each mom is unique, there are ways to replenish your reserves and counter feelings of depletion. These thoughts can get you started:

► Real self-care brings you back to your family as a healthier, stronger, better version of you. Think about what energizes you. What recharges your battery and makes you feel more like yourself? Maybe it’s tennis lessons, running, or growing a garden. If you’re an introvert you may want to paint alone, and if you’re an extrovert you may prefer coffee with friends. Whatever rejuvenates you is worth your time and energy.

► Baby steps are key. Trying to rehaul your whole life at once will make you want to quit. Instead, focus on one habit at a time. Spend a week improving your thought life. A week eating a healthier breakfast. A week controlling your temper or a bad habit you're trying to break. Keeping it simple and taking it slowly makes it easier to sustain new habits.

► A motivating motto helps. During one super-stressful year, my friend gained 30 pounds. After much frustration, she told herself: Today is the day. She started with one small change – wearing tennis shoes to work – and began by walking 15 minutes during her break. Gradually, she added in other 15-minute walks and worked up to an hour daily. Finding an anthem that speaks to you may inspire action.

► Your kids like to see you in your element. So let them see you laughing with your friends, dreaming up a new business, planning the church chili cook-off, setting a gorgeous table, or performing your high school routine to “Ice Ice Baby” to get the party started. What makes you you and gives you life may one day be some of their favorite childhood memories.

► You thrive by living out of your strengths. Are you a glue mom or a glitter mom? Do you create order or creative messes? Do you give great advice or a great listening ear? While it's good to grow in your areas of weakness, don't forget to embrace the gifts you bring to the table. Work with your personality, not against it.

► Negativity that seeps into your heart will eventually seep into your home. It will steal your joy, peace, and ability to love. So set boundaries with toxic people and don’t engage in debates online that keep you angry all day. Instead spend time with uplifting people who keep you in a positive headspace for yourself and your family.

► The perfect mom in your head doesn’t exist. And mom guilt keeps you stuck in shame. God created you to parent with a spirit of strength, not defeat, so give yourself grace and space to be human. Aim for progress, not perfection.

► Knowing what your “feel good” is leads to deeper fulfillment. Self-care doesn’t have to be expensive or excessive. In fact, the best way to fight burnout is through small routines that calm your soul. A cup of coffee on your porch after dropping kids off at school. Cuddling with your child or dog. Calling a friend instead of texting. A date night with your husband. Devotional time in the morning. Five minutes of prayer or meditation. A job or calling that elevates your joy and taps into your mother’s heart.

Being a mom is important, but you’re more than just a mom. You’re also a child of God with legitimate human needs in mind, body, and soul. You can only take your children as far as you’ve come, and as you grow your wellness, you teach your kids to do the same. You give them a vision of a healthy adult.

My prayer for my girls is that they become better, stronger, and smarter than me. I want them to learn from my mistakes and build on what I started. While I’m aware they’re learning from me, I’m also constantly learning from them. I’m taking notes from them and their generation — especially as I broaden my view of self-care.

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker, and blogger. Kari’s newest book, “More Than a Mom,” and other bestselling books are available everywhere books are sold. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com, or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast.

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Teachers

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Amanda Jordan

During the COVID-19 pandemic, Jordan noticed a creeping sense of burnout impacting her and her fellow teachers.

So, the Spanish teacher at VHHS decided to create ways for teachers to connect, both virtually and in-person, as the pandemic waned. Jordan began sending a simple email three days a week, one teaching a “word of the day,” another including a quote to improve morale and another with fun trivia.

It led to other opportunities, including book studies, shared lunch times, social gatherings and more.

Her concern and care for others is part of why Jordan was named not only the high school’s teacher of the year, but also the district’s secondary teacher of the year.

“It’s an honor,” Jordan said. “I am so blessed to teach at such an amazing school.”

Jordan grew up in Peru and in Spanish culture, and she knew she didn’t want to lose those Spanish skills. So, when she moved into education, she began teaching Spanish.

“I think it’s so valuable when you can communicate with somebody else in their own language,” Jordan said.

Students learn not just how to conjugate verbs but how to speak Spanish in real-life situations, listening to speeches and watching Spanish commercials.

Jordan said she’s glad to be in Vestavia, a school she called a “special place.”

“I love our spirit,” Jordan said. “I’m so proud of who we are.”

Megan Humphries

Working with “so many amazing teachers” at Vestavia Hills Elementary West, Humphries said she is “humbled” to be named the school’s teacher of the year, as well as the district’s elementary teacher of the year.

“I’m just completely honored,” Humphries said.

Humphries worked to create a co-taught classroom at West. She said it benefited students and teachers, allowing teachers to collaborate to improve their student’s education, bringing their skills together. It allowed students to receive much more individual instruction time, Humphries said.

“It’s really changed me as a teacher,” Humphries said.

After working as a student teacher at West, Humphries has now spent 10 years teaching at the school. Her favorite part of the job is her students, who she said are “funny, kind and thoughtful.”

“I try to create a classroom environment where students feel heard,” Humphries said.

Doing so creates a lot of engagement and makes her students excited to learn because “it matters to them.” Seeing her students overcome obstacles or a child expressing that he feels like part of a family make the job even sweeter, Humphries said.

Carmen Sullivan

Just before the winter break, district leaders popped into Sullivan’s room at Vestavia Hills Elementary Cahaba Heights and surprised her with flowers and balloons, congratulating her for being named the school’s teacher of the year.

“It feels wonderful to know that my peers think that of me,” Sullivan said. “With education, you give your heart and soul to something. You can’t shut it off when you care about these kids.”

Sullivan said as a high school student, she was an elementary assistant. Guided by great mentors, Sullivan eventually interned at her elementary school and then attended Auburn University.

Vestavia is the “best of the best,” Sullivan said.

Sullivan said it means a lot to her to know she is making a difference in the lives of her students, and the Vestavia community has always helped her do that, meeting every need she has.

“It’s just exciting to see the support,” Sullivan said.

KELLIE MILLER

Miller is now in her 23rd year teaching and her fourth year at Dolly Ridge.

“I always knew I wanted to pursue something where children were involved,” Miller said.

Miller is a gifted specialist at the school and is the district’s lead gifted specialist. Being at Dolly Ridge has been the “best four years of my career,” Miller said.

“You see the love all the people have for our kids,” Miller said.

Gifted students often come with “quirky” tendencies and can struggle with anxiety, perfectionism and social isolation. Miller tries to help them think outside the box, to represent the community well and to grow emotionally and socially.

In an example of their abilities, Miller said her students made communication boards with push buttons for students with special needs.

“It was really heartfelt,” Miller said.

Miller said she plans to retire at some point from Dolly Ridge before moving to teach in another state.

“It’s just been a wonderful experience,” Miller said. “This has been the best blessing of my life.”

Kalyn Randolph

Randolph said while she may have been named teacher of the year at Vestavia Hills Elementary Liberty Park, it is an award “we all take ownership of.”

“It is very surreal,” Randolph said. “It’s such an honor.”

Randolph transferred to UAB after she married, relocating to Birmingham in 2012. After interning at VHELP, she was hired in May 2015 and now teaches first grade across the hall from where she interned.

The school is a “phenomenal place” because of the people who encourage others, she said.

“Everyone is willing to listen and help you,” Randolph said.

Randolph said she focuses on having a relationship with her students.

“Without a relationship with my students, I’m never going to meet their educational needs,” Randolph said.

Connecting with her students outside of class allows her to further enrich both the students and herself, Randolph said.

“The connections … with families have been so meaningful to me,” Randolph said.

Meg Walker

Walker said it was “quite a shock” when she was named Vestavia Hills Elementary East’s teacher of the year.

years in education at Pizitz Middle School. Being named the school’s teacher of the year is an “incredible honor,” she said.

Education is in Spence’s blood. Her mother made a career out of teaching, and Spence said she initially wanted to go in a different direction.

“I ran from education as hard as I could,” Spence said. “I wanted to be anything but [a teacher].”

But at Auburn, she found herself involved with student government leadership and teaching, and she felt the call to go into education. After spending one year at Auburn High School, her family moved to the Birmingham area and she landed at Pizitz.

She instantly felt at home.

“Pizitz does a really good job of empowering teachers to do things in their own classroom and have autonomy,” Spence said.

Being at Pizitz has allowed her to grow as a teacher and has allowed her to learn from her colleagues, Spence said.

Spence teaches science, including chemistry and some physics. She tries to ensure kids are having fun in class.

“If they aren’t enjoying it, they’re not going to learn,” Spence said.

Spence, who also serves as the head volleyball and girls’ basketball coach, said she wants to give her students “bumpers,” allowing them to make mistakes while still learning.

Amy Woodard

Being named teacher of the year at Liberty Park Middle School was a “big surprise” to Woodard, who is in her 15th year at LPMS.

“I teach with so many phenomenal teachers,” Woodard said.

Woodard teaches sixth grade English, born out of a love for literature.

“There are so many opportunities to talk about life and lessons, [and how to] apply them to their lives,” Woodard said.

Vestavia is a special place because of the students, she said.

“They genuinely want to learn,” Woodard said.

“Our school is just a super special place,” Walker said.

Vestavia is home for Walker, a graduate of Vestavia Hills High School. She always knew she wanted to come back and teach. She’s now in her 15th year at East.

She said she’s seen a lot of change over those years and learned it would take more than a love for children to grow a successful classroom.

“There’s more to the classroom than just the academics,” Walker said.

She’s spent time building relationships with families and still keeps up with students who have been in her class. She also became a mom during her time at East, with three children all coming through her school.

“It really softened my heart for all the ways children learn,” Walker said.

When the pandemic forced school to move to remote learning, Walker remembered crying for her students, mourning the loss of the school year.

“It taught me to not take the time we have for granted,” Walker said. “Walking into East is a gift I don’t take for granted at all.”

The Vestavia community is all about relationships, Walker said, always supporting the school, which also sees many friendships formed.

“East is not a small place, but when you walk in it feels small because of the relationships that are formed there,” Walker said.

MICHAELA SPENCE

Spence has spent five of her six

Woodard said she strives to give students choices, allowing them to shine and achieve the standards that are set.

She also said she makes sure her team of teachers knows each other and celebrates each other’s accomplishments.

“To be selected by people who are so great, who see similar things in me, is so humbling,” Woodard said.

Emily Hall

Hall said it has been a “huge honor” to be the freshman campus’s teacher of the year.

“No name that would’ve been called out would have surprised me except my own,” she said.

Hall served one year as a floater teacher at the high school before moving to the freshman campus three years ago

Hall said she knew she wanted to go into education when she helped a friend learn math. She loves the connection with students and being able to help them.

“I do anything and everything I can to make it fun,” Hall said.

Hall said she tries to teach students to be problem solvers and to work with others. While students might not remember geometry, they might remember how to problem solve, she said.

Working at the freshman campus has been a pleasure, she said.

“It is the best place that I’ve ever worked,” Hall said.

Hall praised the “culture of collaboration” at the school. She also said she enjoys helping freshmen find their “people” so they aren’t lost when they move to the main campus.

Shallowford

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Further complicating residents’ efforts to cover the storm’s costs is that the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) has not designated Shallowford Circle as a flood zone.

Zhaleh McCullers is the former director of the Stormwater Management Division in Jefferson County. She noted that multiple factors go into a drainage system’s ability to contain stormwater. One such factor is that the architects who built the drainage system cannot fully account for years of storms and changing climate.

“We cannot design pipes big enough to plan for a hundred years of storms, especially in a subdivision,” McCullers said. “Because the economy of it is impractical.”

Additionally, the construction of roads and other impervious surfaces surrounding the drainage system leaves less room for the stormwater to be absorbed. All of this in addition to other factors such as littering can lead to drainage pipes becoming more easily overwhelmed.

“What at one time was [the] right design, it may not be today,” McCullers said.

Nancy Foreman has been living in Shallowford Circle for longer than Barrett has. She worries that the sheer ferocity of the stormwater racing down the creek can pose a significant environmental and safety risk.

“I have seen huge trees go down this creek. I have seen lawn furniture, trash cans, and they go down like Dixie cups,” Foreman said. “Because this water is raging so fast, it’s horrifying.”

Foreman said much of the bank bordering the creek has been washed away by this rushing stormwater over the past 15 years. This rapid land erosion has exposed the roots of multiple trees surrounding the neighborhood, leaving them in danger of toppling over. So far, two trees have already fallen. One tree fell onto a resident’s truck, while the other damaged the front of a house.

“It’s not a matter of … if they fall, it’s a matter of when they fall,” Barrett said. “And right now, every one of them are tall enough to come over across Shallowford Circle and go into a house, a car, or God forbid, a person.”

Throughout much of the past year, Barrett has reached out to multiple city officials in Vestavia in the hopes that they address the issue. Both he and Foreman were aiming to have the city come up with a solution before a major accident occurs.

“That’s what I’m afraid of, is they’re not going to do anything until somebody gets hurt,” Foreman said.

However, the city has repeatedly stated that its ability to do so is limited, as they do not own the creek.

On Nov. 3, 2022, City Attorney Patrick Boone, Director of Public Services Brian Davis and multiple Shallowford residents held a meeting at Vestavia Hills City Hall. There, Boone emphasized that Alabama law, specifically Section 94 of the state constitution, prohibits the city from spending public or state funds to maintain private property, such as the creek.

“We can’t spend public dollars on private property,” Boone said. “We go to jail for that.”

Additionally, the Alabama Supreme Court decided in two separate cases that cities are not liable for errors made when inspecting drainage systems.

“We want cities to have a general set of rules to go by,” Boone said. “And the purpose of the rules [is] not for the city to guarantee that all the nails are driven straight.”

Mind

points to a marker that indicates where the right of way owned by the city of Vestavia Hills stops as he talks about the trees that line a creek that are in danger of falling on homes Jan. 5.

Currently, the city of Vestavia owns Shallowford Circle, the bridge connecting to Shallowford Circle and the right of way. The creek, on the other hand, is privately owned, city leaders said, which means the city cannot devote resources to fixing the drainage systems or anything else on the property.

But no one, including the city, has been able to identify the owner of the creek.

Barrett and Foreman have both received conflicting information when looking into the matter. Before the November meeting, Barrett was informed that, as of 1962, the creek was owned by a company called the Birmingham Housing Corporation. However, he found that the company was dissolved in 1992, seemingly leaving the creek with no owner.

On the other hand, according to Foreman, city officials told her that the creek was owned by a nonprofit organization called the Cahaba River Society. As of today, the city maintains that its hands are tied because the owner of the creek remains unknown. Although Boone did speculate that the creek may be owned by the Shallowford neighborhood, he did not officially determine this.

Even if the city cannot switch out the drainage pipes, both Barrett and Foreman have suggested other fixes. Simply cutting down the tallest trees or placing rocks in front of them, they suggest, could make a big difference. Rocks could also have the added benefit of protecting the bank from further erosion.

However, Boone stated that the city is unable to implement even these solutions in privately owned property under Alabama law. The city has already had surveyors determine which trees are within the city-owned right of way, and only one of the trees with exposed roots lay within that boundary.

Vestavia Hills Mayor Ashley Curry, City Engineer Christopher Brady and Davis were asked to comment, but ultimately, the city emphasized that it had nothing more to add to what Boone had shared in the November meeting.

McCullers emphasized that although cities cannot operate within private property, nothing legally prevents the neighborhood’s homeowner association (HOA) from devoting resources toward projects within that property, regardless of who owns it. The HOA could allocate costs among the residents or even ask for advice from the city without directly involving it.

“They still have to work with the city to make sure what they’re designing is within their property and not creating problems downstream,” McCullers said.

Such efforts would not come cheap, as cutting down even one of the trees bordering the creek would, according to Barrett, cost between $2,000 to $3,000. However, McCullers noted that an HOA could start a fundraiser or request the help of a non-rofit organization to accrue the necessary funding.

A major obstacle remains: Shallowford Circle does not currently have an HOA. Barrett said although an HOA did exist for a time, the community eventually disbanded it due to a lack of interest.

Part of Barrett’s efforts to solve the flooding problem involve convincing homeowners that storms will continue to pose risks down the road, even if some seasons are drier than others.

For now, Barrett feels that he has done all he can to help the community with this issue. He is leaving it up to the homeowners to decide whether to take action.

“Now it is up to them to react, or not react,” Barrett said.