16 minute read
A FRIENDLY EAR
A Friendly Ear
BY KATIE CAMPBELL
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It’s difficult to know how to support someone when they experience mental ill-health, but you can do more than you might think
In a groundbreaking interview, Meghan Markle told Oprah earlier this year how she had experienced a mental health crisis in her time as a member of the Royal family, adding that she felt she lacked support outside of her husband when she tried to reach out. She added that she had worked up the courage to talk to Harry about it, and thankfully, with his support, was able to work through her feelings. Her courageous admittance has sparked conversation - some more valid than others - about mental health, and the importance of speaking up about mental health, and the importance of listening and believing people when they talk about their mental health. If you haven’t experienced mental ill health, to this degree or otherwise, it may be hard to comprehend exactly what people are feeling. Even if you have experienced it, it may still be difficult as everyone’s experience of mental illhealth is different. There’s no set path or “standard”, so to speak, so your experience may not completely line up with someone else’s, which can be confusing or difficult. How can you help someone if they’re going through something similar to what Meghan Markle experienced? You may feel like you’re not trained for this, but there are some simple and effective ways to help someone who is experiencing mental ill-health, the most important aspect of which is to provide companionship, compassion, and care.
TALK AND LISTEN
This seems so strange to say, but so many people struggle to talk about how they’re feeling. This can be due to social stigma, shame, or a host of other things, but how you feel concerning your mental health is important and deserves discussion. Men are at particular risk of being shamed about this: the phrases “man up” and “grow a pair [of balls]” simply serve to stigmatise the one in eight men who experience mental ill-health, and shame them for speaking out about their feelings. Sharing your feelings, if you’re comfortable, may help and encourage someone who is experiencing mental ill-health to open up with you, and just encouraging them by letting them know that you’ve gone through something similar can be helpful and comforting in its own way. Using open-ended questions can be helpful too as it’s a non-judgemental, non-leading way of asking someone to open up to you. “How are you feeling” works better than “I see you’re depressed” because it’s a neutral statement that can be interpreted as the person sees fit. It’s a kind of softer, gentler way of asking someone to tell you how they’re feeling without putting too much on them. Even if you don’t know what to say, you can always just listen. Giving someone your time away from distractions makes them feel valued and important, and gives them time to speak to you in a space that feels safe and comforting. When someone finally speaks about their mental ill-health, it can be a serious weight off their mind, but at the same time, they might be worried about the effect the discussion has on the other person, who might worry about them or not react helpfully. Giving someone space and permission to speak openly and without judgement is a powerful and brilliant gift.
REMEMBER YOU’RE NOT A DOCTOR
It’s not your job or your place to decide what’s “wrong” with someone who speaks to you about their mental ill-health. Unless you’re their GP or they’re talking to you in a capacity as a therapist, it’s not appropriate for you to make diagnoses concerning how they feel. If you have experience of mental illness, it’s appropriate to share your understanding, but you shouldn’t just slap a big sticker on them with your armchair diagnosis, because that doesn’t help. If you have ideas or guidance, it’s important to put it across in a way that constitutes a suggestion, not a solution.
Something that has come to the forefront of the discussion in the aftermath of Meghan Markle’s openness about her struggles with mental ill-health is the fear of not being believed. That can be utterly paralysing for someone who is experiencing a mental health crisis. Mental illness isn’t like a broken bone: you can’t see it, even with fancy machinery. If someone tells you they are experiencing a mental health crisis, it is not your place to question the validity of that. Do not ask if they’re “just sad” or anything to this effect: it is demeaning, condescending, and not constructive.
BE THERE
Mental health waiting lists in the UK are, to put it mildly, unfathomably long. Some people might wait up to two years for treatment, despite the NHS stating that most people should not have to wait longer than 18 weeks after referral. Therein lies a problem: you need to be referred, and that takes time, too. You can’t be everything for someone experiencing mental ill-health, but you can try to support them as much as they need while they wait for help, and even after then if they find they need additional support. Remember your limits, though. You need to look after yourself, so taking time for yourself is vitally important, too.
Kids’
CORNER
The Easter holidays are upon us and while there is still nothing open, there are still plenty of things to do. After a long year of coming up with creative ideas to keep the kids amused, you will be used to finding imaginative ways to entertain your little ones. It feels like we are on the home stretch, so just imagine the feeling of having your kids make a mess somewhere other than your house and that should get you through! Once the world opens up again, there are so many things that your children will want to do and experience. As a family it will be joyous to be able to go out for lunch to a local café, or take a day trip outside your local area. Kids will rejoice at getting back to their groups and classes, playing with friends and being part of a team again will be transformational for everyone. We have made a list of all the things we are looking forward to on page 52, why not sit down with your kids and make a plan of all the things you want to do when restrictions are lifted. It will be great to finally make plans and have things to look forward to as a family. Enjoy the next few weeks and hopefully next issue we will be talking about more positive future plans.
PRODUCTS
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SUMMER
Summer is on its way, restrictions are being lifted, it is time to get excited about all the things that we can do with our kids this summer! Following a tough year, our kids deserve to have a fantastic summer of fun, take a look at just some of the things we can look forward to enjoying as a family.2021 PLAYING WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY
It has been too long since our kids have been allowed to have play dates, meet ups and regular unhindered contact. Children thrive on social experiences and this last year has seen them all deprived of this. The excitement of allowing our children to freely play and socialise with other kids in gardens, parks or our homes seems the simplest of dreams, but it is one of the most important this year.
RETURN TO GROUPS AND CLASSES
Whether it be a baby massage group with fellow mums, a drama class for little ones or a sensory play group, these group settings have been missing off our calendars for far too long now. The anticipated return of these classes will be welcomed by so many families who rely on classes like these for social interaction and development for their children. These classes can be just as important for the parents as for the child.
RETURN OF SPORTS
From football training and tennis lessons, to sporty holiday camps and martial arts classes, the sporting community has been missed by many. It can be hard for kids and adults to get motivated to be active on their own, but having a sports club to go to where they can run around with friends, keep fit, boost their endorphins and experience the camaraderie that comes with being part of a team can make all the difference.
BACK TO SCHOOL
Children with SEND have been put at a huge disadvantage through these lockdowns and have missed out on vital education. A return to regular school days for all years cannot come soon enough. Missing out on the education and the routine that school offers has affected our children’s mental health immeasurably, let’s hope a safe return to normal will bring renewed joy and relieve some of their anguish.
BIRTHDAY PARTIES
Birthday parties and celebrations with friends have all been put on hold and replaced with virtual Zoom parties or drive-bys with balloons and waves from a car. Party bags, big birthday cakes and the wonderful chaos of lots of kids racing around high on sugar has been sorely missed by our little ones. It will be amazing when we get the chance to let them celebrate their birthdays with all of their friends in true kid party style!
HUGS
Is there anything more heartbreaking than hearing your child say “I miss hugging grandma”? Hugs and kisses are the most natural form of affection, and to have had to deprive our children of this feels almost criminal. Sending virtual hugs over Zoom or through a window is certainly not the same. Bring on the day where we can hug everyone we love without fear of contracting or passing on a virus.
HOLIDAYS
As travel restrictions are lifted and the country opens up, where will be the first place you go? The excitement of leaving our local area and visiting somewhere other than the supermarket may be too much for us, but I am sure we will manage. Start planning your staycation now, check out some of our top accessible UK destinations on page 38.
SUMMER BBQS
The sunshine has already been teasing us with its happy rays and warmth, preparing us for some long, hot summer days that we can spend in the garden or on the beach. With good weather comes the prospect of firing up the BBQ, inviting over some friends and enjoying water fights, paddling pools, picnics and some cocktails for the parents.
BEACH TRIPS
The UK is home to some stunning coastal towns and beaches, and summer time is the perfect time to visit. Whether it is a day trip or a longer visit, the beach is the epitome of summer and fun for all the family. There are many beaches that offer beach wheelchairs, accessible ramp access and some even host accessible watersports. Make sure the beach you choose has a good fish and chip shop and an ice cream van to top off the day.
level. I feel pain in a different way. If you brush against my skin its painful. I broke my arm in a horse riding accident and didn’t feel it and didn’t cry so my mom didn’t know it was broken until she rolled up my sleeve.
FUTURE VOICES
My brain can’t filter out noises, so sometimes it feels like my head will explode or I can’t wake up my fingers and toes and have to keep touching things. I find it hard to keep still. I have to move and seek out touch. I use ear defenders, a weighted jacket, fiddle toys, stress dough and a gym ball to bounce on. If things get too much and I have a Each issue we will be shining a light on a young disabled meltdown. I respond to pressure so my mom person who is blazing their own trail. Whether that be uses different pressure methods to help calm campaigning for access, giving up their time to help their me, like the hot dog using cushions or just community, achieving success in the sporting or arts arena, giving me a bear hug. My dog Cody can or educating their peers on disability. also lie on me, and his weight and his curly fur help to calm me. The best things that keep me calm is my headphones, laptop, PlayStation and trampoline. I can LUKE shut out everything.
Luke lives with Aspergers, sensory processing disorder and PTSD. He’s been home educated for around three years, and loves to keep busy learning multiple languages, is a keen photographer, skateboarder, and enjoys playing on his laptop and talking to his friends at autism club. He loves his dog Cody most of all, and is obsessed with pugs!
My mom and dad have always been honest with me, and told me when I was five that I have autism. This is how I introduce myself to people: “Hello my name is Luke and I have autism.” It’s not always received well. I have heard different things said about me, nice and not so nice. My gran thinks because I have Aspergers I am going to be a professor one day. Maybe not a professor, I will just settle for being me: Luke with autism.
M
y name is Luke. I am 10. I have Aspergers, sensory processing disorder and PTSD. Sadly, I came up with nothing. I have always felt different. I remember being sad because all the children in my class at school would get praise and rewards and I would get nothing. I remember my mom always going in to the school and talking to the teachers asking them to stop. The teachers used to hold me down and say horrible things and would put me in isolation. I started to think I am a bad person because the teachers said so. My mom and dad took me out of school because school teachers can’t keep me safe. My mom got a home education budget so I could be home schooled. I have been home schooled for a while. Now I like learning! I have good tutors and have lessons suited to my needs with learning breaks. I still struggle as my fine motor skills are poor, but I have support and tools to help me. My reading and writing have improved. I now speak Mandarin and want to go to China one day. I have started learning French and Spanish. I also love photography and am learning to play piano, but I still hate maths! The sensory processing disorder invades every day for me. I am hyper- and hypo-sensitive depending on my anxiety
DAN WHITE
COLUMNIST
Follow Dan on Twitter @DeptOfAbility
Dan White, creator of the amazing Department of Ability superheroes and dad to Emily, who is 12 years old and has spina bifida, is a regular face in PosAbility, as he shares his experiences of life as a family with a disabled child.
LEFT IN THE DARK
In a time of pandemic crisis, where the “vulnerable” of all ages are at high risk of a virus, communities should be able to rely on their elected representatives for support and guidance. Those deemed responsible for the lives and laws for said communities should be vocal and visual, especially when the country is at war with an invisible enemy that is especially targeting and decimating that representative’s charges. However, since COVID-19 arrived unimpeded on these shores, the disabled communities’ sole representative has not been seen in the public eye. Justin Tomlinson has been missing, failing in his responsibilities to lead and inform us all; disabled adults, children, and parents like me and you. I am not writing this column as a parent of a disabled child intending to castigate Mr. Tomlinson for being in the post, for simply being conservative, far from it. I would just like our representative to step up, to appear and exchange words of support, guidance, and information to not only the 14million strong disabled community, but to the anxious parents of the countries 750,000 disabled children. The silence is deafening from Westminster and as long as the horror stories of infection abound, we are left crawling around the internet for answers, trying to make sense of the mixed media messages when all we want is clarity from the man whose job it is to represent us all. All parents are worried about their children, it’s an evolutionary trait, but when your child has complex needs and is first told through a government letter that they are vulnerable, then they are not, then they are, and finally are not, you see the confusion and fear build in all of us. We have had that stream of letters through our door, and many of the parents we know have also experienced this, and it is now we would expect to look to a leader, a person in the heart of the system that has all the information at hand to halt the confusion.
This is not the first time I have called for Justin Tomlinson to show himself. In fact, I have cried myself hoarse on this subject throughout all the media airtime I have worked since the first time the pale rider of COVID-19 raced across the land. We were first told children were not vulnerable, they were carriers if anything, little transmitters, then the stories of children with and without disabilities who were seriously ill in hospital silently crept in. I called for him to show solidarity and to just give us the facts from a disability community perspective, to do his job in the disability public eye. What is the reality, the truth of childhood infection? A series of conflicting letters and tabloid prevarication are emotionally unhelpful. Answers on a postcard apparently, please. We have seemingly heard from everyone else, from Helen Whatley (the ironically named care minister) to even the minister for culture, Oliver Dowden, but not the man responsible for a community desperately looking for answers and help in a crisis. Disabled leaders, charities, and parents like myself are being left with the distinct impression that, as usual, disability, even in the grip of a horrific pandemic, is playing second fiddle to theatres, football fans, and holidaymakers. In short, it was and is looking like disability is collateral and expendable in the eyes of a system obsessed with productivity and profit before people. It’s simple. We as parents would like to believe that we are being led and fed with knowledge and support that will enable us to make the best decisions, to either shield or not. This is not happening. The whole community has been left in the dark. We need Mr. Tomlinson and his department to show some strength, visibility, compassion, and presence.
