Connecting with kids

DEBORAH BARCLAY

Connecting with kids

Resolve conflict by resolving to listen.

When I first began my role five years ago as a deputy principal in a primary school I had no idea just how often I would be called on to leave my actual job of curriculum development and leading teaching to resolve conflict among children. Today teachers face an ever-increasing amount of difficult children. With funding and support being reduced, it has become the school’s responsibility to deal with more and more of the difficult issues themselves.

When you put more than 100 children together in a playground, it is inevitable that conflict of some kind occurs. And of course, children come from a variety of different backgrounds, responding and reacting differently to each other.

When I was new to the job it became evident that nothing would ever be resolved unless I delved deeper into the children’s way of thinking. I was literally putting out fires and waiting for the next one, without getting to the core of the issue.

Many teachers deal with children involved in one-off incidents day to day, however it is the children who seem to be in the middle of conflict frequently that we need to focus on. I believe that one of the key elements to dealing with children involved in ongoing conflict is to develop a connection with that child. This applies to whether they are the victim or the offender.

Connecting is all about taking the time to show that child that you care, that you will listen and that you value what they have to say. This is pivotal to achieving an honest and authentic response from children.

When dealing with kids, I know that:

• Until proven otherwise, they need to know that you believe what they are saying

DEBORAH BARCLAY

“ Many teachers deal with children involved in one-off incidents day to day; however it is the children who seem to be in the middle of conflict frequently that we need to focus on. “

• They deserve a chance to speak and be heard

• They need to trust that you will be fair and reasonable

• Unless you treat them with a degree of respect, they will not open up to you

In my experience, having a connection with children can bring about an honest response, and they can be quite reflective about their behaviour. They feel safe and supported enough to be open and upfront. I empathise with them if necessary and if relevant, I affirm good decision making.

With children that have a pattern of getting involved in conflict overtime, I try to go out of my way to build a relationship or connection with the child. This may be a chat in the playground when I am on duty or a positive comment if I am passing through their room. I let them know that I am interested in what they are doing and that my door is open if they need to come and talk. I try to find out what they are interested in and make a special effort to refer to it when the opportunity arises. Humour works wonders and something as small as a pat on the back can work with even the “toughest” exteriors.

I almost always ensure a decent amount of time has passed from the time of the incident to the time I sit and talk with them about it. This ensures they have cooled down and have also had some time to think about their actions. If I am dealing with a child I don’t know well, I will spend a few minutes getting to know them better before I start unpacking an incident.

As with any mediation, both parties are heard, without any interruption from the other and I pay special attention to the speaker, letting them know that I have heard what they have said.

Children intuitively know when they have acted out of turn or have done something wrong and they expect a consequence. I find that most of the time, when asked, children come up with their own consequence that is fair and reasonable. This enables them to take responsibility and ownership of their actions. I believe it is important for a child that has hurt another to really see the impact their actions have had. Part of their consequence is to listen to the other child and see and feel the emotional impact they have had on them.

As with any conflict, there are always two sides to every story, and often the child claiming to be the victim is more often than not the instigator.

Once time-out forms are filled out, where they have reflected on their actions and thought about what they would do differently next time, at my request, they set about fulfilling one act of kindness toward the child they have hurt or offended. A positive act is so much more powerful than a negative one, and it is so rewarding to talk to kids later about how good it feels to be kind as opposed to being upset or angry. I usually touch base the next day to see what it was that they chose to do and what happened as a result. I think that children who are repeatedly involved in conflict need to experience how it feels to be kind toward others. I have never been convinced that paperwork or time-out forms have any long lasting impact on behavioural change, but an act of goodwill can be powerful.

In a classroom, lack of good social skills can impact on quality learning time. I think our responsibility as teachers is to instil a level of self confidence in children so that they will have some skills to deal with conflict themselves when it arises. Although the details of behavioural incidents vary widely, the actual cause of all conflict is almost always the same: children not having a good sense of themselves.

It is all about teaching children to:

• Really like who they are and owning their unique qualities

• Be firm and assertive when needed

• Be confident in saying “No”

• Be aware that not everybody will like them and that is OK.

• Realise that sometimes the people we want to be friends with aren’t necessarily the right people to hang out with.

• Walk away if you don’t like something.

Although it takes times to deal with conflict effectively, it does pay off long term. I think you can have all the great policies, paperwork, and procedures in place with behaviour issues, but unless you connect with a child and genuinely care about them, little progress will be made in modifying negative behaviour long term.