December 3, 2015 34st.com
JOKE ISSUE JOKE ISSUE JOKE ISSUE JOKE ISSUE JOKE ISSUE JOKE ISSUE JOKE ISSUE JOKE ISSUE
december 03 2015
LOL
3 HIGHBROW
bathroom wall, walls have ears, walls to avoid if you don't want to be in the round up
4 WORD ON THE STREET fly on the wall
5 EGO
shakespeare portrait's wall in fisher–bennett hall, wall of fame, thank you notes
LOL
7 MUSIC
best walls to twerk on, wall art and you
9, 12 FOOD & DRINK
dining hall superlatives, seniors making the world healthier
LOL
LOL
LOL
11 FEATURES walls tell all
12 FILM & TV
wall movie stars
18 ARTS
artsiest walls to instagram
20 LOWBROW LOL
building emotional walls, walls we need, walls to climb
WALL OF PRAISEFROMTHEEDITOR
STREET HAS A CRUSH ON YOU. COME MAKE OUT WITH US.* EDZ (OF CHRISTMAS) PAST EDZ (OF CHRISTMAS) PRESENT ABIGAIL LOWENTHAL SERENA MCNIFF EMILY SHWARTZ MICHAEL COYNE THE REAL LE–ANH JUSTIN ESTREICHER FELIPE GEDEON GRACIELA ARANA SARA SOLASZ NINA VAN MANEEN NINA SOLIS BRINDA RAMESH BRIGITTE BAELLA PETER LABERGE ANYONE NAMED BEN SOFIE PRAESTGAARD ALEXANDER MINTZ
THE 131 MARIELLE MILLER JOSE DIEGO TORO BREANNA PORTER NICK JOYNER THE LADIES OF 1–800–HOTLINE–BLING HANNAH NOYES CAROLINE SIMON AMANDA REID NEEDLEDICK FROM SHOUTOUTS MAURIN MWOMBELA KYLE BIGLEY AMY GUTMANN SARA PAIGE–SILVESTRO ADAM/EVE ALYSSA CHANG STEPHAN CHO RACHEL ERANI OUR SENIOR PROM DATES
*OR AT LEAST LET US BUY YOU DRINKS. IDEALLY BOTH. 6:30PM. TONIGHT. SMOKES'.
34TH STREET MAGAZINE Alexandra Sternlicht, Thinks Print Journalism is Dead Marley Coyne, Love of DP Sports Ling Zhou, Secret Agent Byrne Fahey, Glove Fetish Corey Fader, Seven Secret Girlfriends Yasmin Meleis, Has Secret Family Dani Blum, Appropriating Judaism Rebecca Heilweil, Actually Born in Cleveland Casey Quackenbush, Sends Dirty Snapchats Orly Greenberg, Steals Gum from CVS Caroline Marques, Not French Emily Johns, Wants to Wear Colors
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Conor Cook, Nosepicker Allie Cohen, Aggressive Carb Eater Carolyn Grace, Spongebob Fetish Spencer Winson, Britney Stalker Caroline Harris, Thinks Onion Articles Are True Johanna Matt–Navarro, Doesn't Recycle Talia Sterman, Party Animal Emily Hason, Can't Use Gryphon Brandon Slotkin, Allegro Obsession Steph Barron, Fake British Accent Syra Ortiz–Blanes, Dresses Up Cockroaches Elena Modesti, RBF is Forced Dina Zaret, Unhealthy Habits Galit Krifcher, Still Has a Neopet Holly Li, Hates Wharton Jeffrey Yang, Loves Buzzfeed Katie Dumke, Dresses as Elmo in Times Square
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Kyle Bryce–Borthwick, Eats Pizza with Fork and Knife
Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader, Pat Goodridge, Alex Fisher and Katie Dumke.
Randi Kramer, Uses Oxford Commas Julie Levitan, Writes Erotica Staff Writers: Hallie Brookman (Amy's Lovechild), Julie Chu Cheong (Thinks Hogwarts is Real), Dan Maher (LARPer Extroardinare), Amanda Reid (Loves Nickelback) Staff Photographers: Alex Fisher (Uses a Keurig), Pat Goodridge (Brushes Teeth While Pees) Staff Designers: Nadia Kim (Tortellini Phobia), Remi Lederman (Junk Food Obessed), Sofie Praestgaard (Pees in the Shower)
Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief, at sternlicht@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. www.34st.com "I don't like puppies." ©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.
HIGHBROW
THE WRITING ON THE WALL LET AMY. I’D O T T U SHOUT O . GET IT? A H . N A M
Oh, do you want a trigger warning for this shit too?
T MY HER GUT
PEN
N–IS
Outrageous grafitti spotted near your favorite porcelain thrones.
gree.
de MRS y m ting
t it, ge r e v O
FUC
ChiPOtle+CofFee=DIARRHEA!
KING
ME.
Nah, Chipotle + coffee + adderall = DIARRHEA! al . Wear an actu n a m h s e fr a You’re t—no one u o o g u o y n dress whe you naked. wants to see 'TIS THE SEAS
ON FOR BLUM
PKIN SPICE LA T TES.
THEROUNDUP If you end up in the Round Up, it’s because your friends (or haters) outed you, right? Wrong! It was the walls—they see everything. This week Highbrow’s turning over a new leaf: We’ve decided to help you out. Here’s a list of walls to avoid if you don’t want to end up in the Round Up. 1. The Walls in Metro: These walls are the srattiest walls on campus. You’re a fool if you thought you could fill in your BFF about last night’s antics and not be overheard. 2. The Western Wall: This wall talks shit about every betch on birthright. Thought you were out of earshot in Israel? Think again. 3. The Vault in Rumor: This wall is in prime position to see everything you do wrong
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on a Thursday. Think no one saw you leave with your best friend’s ex? It saw. The Frontera Wall: “Wait, the Frontera porch has no walls!” You may think. Well, you’re forgetting about Frontera’s actual wall, and that mistake will be your downfall. SHS Wall: If you want to avoid everyone talking about your little, er, downstairs infestation, you should probably avoid SHS. Those walls love some good gossip, especially when they're feeling…crabby. College Hall Admissions' Wall: Ever wonder how high school gossip winds up in the Round Up? Now you know. These walls are tapped into the New York City high school crowd better than the average Jericho Jap. The Zete Moose: This frat star is probably our favorite member of Zete, but let’s be real, he doesn’t have much competition. Unfortunately for you sweet things, this taxidermied gossip loves to spill secrets. Don’t go blabbing in front of him if you’re
WALLS HAVE EARS Girl on plane: Will you eat one of my vegan gluten–free pumpkin cupcakes? 20–year–old fuckboy on the subway: My little sister is low key smarter than me. I hate that bitch. Betch getting a piggyback because her heels are painful: Ubers have gotten so foreign. If you want to go non–foreign, get a black car. Owls kid to barista at United by Blue: You should make this cafe a club and make people reserve tables and put down spending minimums.
trying to remain anonymoose. 8. The Wall that keeps the Plebes out of Domus: Just because mommy and daddy are bankrolling your stay in the swankiest building west of the Schuylkill doesn’t mean you’re safe from Highbrow. Those walls might keep undesirables out, but some things—like immunity from being gossiped about—even money can’t buy. 9. The Beige Block Backlot Fence: You know that what happens in The Backlot doesn’t stay in The Backlot, right? But we bet you never suspected it was the fence that told everything. Every nip–slip and drunken mishap that happens on beige block is meticulously documented and reported by this dutiful fence. 10. The Walls in Smokes’: These hallowed walls of debaucherous nights past don’t have to work too hard for gossip. From Kweder induced DFMOs to vommy nights in Smokes’ bathrooms, these walls have seen and heard it all, and they love to spill.
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WORD ON THE STREET
word on the STREET
FLY ON A WALL AS TOLD TO EMILY SCHWARTZ
Dear Diary (or should I say, "Fly–ary"?),
fly out the door.
might be into me."As if, Josh.
It's me again, Franklin the Fly, Penn's resident fly on the wall. As the wise Miley Cyrus once asked, "Don't you wish that you could be a fly on the wall? A creepy little, sneaky little fly on the wall?" I resent that Miley called me "creepy" considering I've had several Miley Cyrus–induced nightmares…. But I digress. She was simply voicing the obvious: Many wish to possess my ability to witness anything and everything on Penn's campus. It's easier not to take all the name–calling and fly–swatting so personally when I remember it's mostly motivated by jealousy—anyone would kill to know the ins and outs of Penn life like I do. In an attempt to ease the envy of those who echo Miley's sentiments (honestly, I'd like to prevent another magazine swinging catastrophe… uncool guys), I'd love to share with you how I spent last Saturday.
10am Metropolitan Bakery & Cafe 4013 Walnut Street Hoping for a bit more luck at Metro, I fly over to Walnut. I'm struck by quite a motley crew. Not sure whether to focus on the varying lengths of Lulu leggings, the stoned hipster serving coffee behind the counter or the bitter graying woman scolding everyone in line for forgetting the $10 credit card minimum, I finally settle on a wall near the corner and eavesdrop on two professors having coffee. "I hate to say it, but I love the bagels here," one professor confesses. "Can't stand them," says the fellow professor, as a grave look washes over his face. "Schmear It or die." Feeling satisfied with the nibble of the professor's (truly mediocre) bagel, I decide to move on with the day.
6pm Dinner 39th and Walnut My day ends with dinner on the lovely strip of Walnut between 39th and 40th streets. I watch students buy $16 salads from Sweetgreen. They eat, blissfully unaware that most of my friends live hidden in the wild rice kettle. So, Fly–ary, this is where my Saturday ends. A pretty routine day in the life, but I'll be sure to let you know if something explosive occurs—like Miley Cyrus making a public apology to my fly friends and me at Smoke's.
8am The Quadrangle 3700 Spruce Street I begin my morning in search for breakfast and find myself circling the Quad. As I enter McClelland, I overhear a conversation between two freshman girls who are recapping last night. "Last night was, like, the sickest thing ever," Becca begins. "Penn is way fun!" "Totally, Becca!" Her roommate screeches in a tone that is far too enthusiastic for 8 in the morning. The McClelland employee serving potatoes exchanges a knowing glance with me as I sit in the serving tray, perched upon a bit of fried pepper. She doesn't shoo me away, but she does serve that pepper to Becca…I have found myself an unexpected ally. Becca continues, "Dressing up in lingerie for parties is exactly what I expected from college." "Oh, I loved the lingerie. And the lap dances from sophomore girls! Such a personal touch." I land on her plate and proceed to lay about ten thousand eggs on her omelet. The dorms are equally disappointing. It doesn't take long to remember that freshmen don't have kitchens—all I find is half–full Gatorade bottles, empty shot glasses and stale kernels of Skinny Pop. The stench emanating from the many gender–neutral bathrooms demonstrates that most freshmen still have the liver strength of high school students (shoutout to Becca), so I deem the Quad useless and
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I hear everything. I see everything. To be honest, I lay eggs in most things: A fly's report on Penn.
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12pm Van Pelt Library 3420 Walnut Street I go to Van Pelt seeking peace after my hectic morning. Upon buzzing in, I immediately remember that Van Pelt on a Saturday afternoon is equivalent to the scene and regret my inability to SABS. I choose a wall near the back corner and focus on a trio walking from occupied study room to occupied study room, mumbling about a full GSR schedule. Two freshmen sharing a table in the back corner suddenly capture my attention. "Josh, have you gotten back your econ grade yet?" The freshman asks with bloodshot eyes, as he pops his sixth Adderall and swallows without water. "Nah, man, not yet. But my TA is pretty hot, and I saw her out once. So I'm not too worried. I think she
Until then, Franklin the Fly, Penn's Fly on the Wall
EGO
EGOOF THE WEEK:
THE SHAKESPEARE PORTRAIT'S
WALL IN FISHER–BENNETT MIKAELA GILBERT–LURIE
Name: The Shakespeare Portrait's Wall in Fisher–Bennett Major: English Hometown: Stratford– upon–Avon, UK Activities: Hanging out on the wall, side–eyeing English majors.
The Shakespeare Portrait's Wall in Fisher–Bennett Hall has really seen everything. We sat down with (in front of) it to get the inside scoop on what it’s really like to be the most famous wall on campus. Street: You’ve mastered the resting bitch face. Any tips for our aspiring RBF–ers? The Shakespeare Portrait's Wall in Fisher–Bennett: It’s really a matter of practice and patience. One isn’t just born knowing how to throw shade with your eyes. Practice in front of a mirror—someone with a good RBF looks like the perfect blend of hungry and bored. Street: What’s the most scandalous thing that’s happened in your stairwell? TSPWIFB: Well, you see a lot of the boring stuff. People tripping on the stairs and pretending it didn’t happen, people crying over essay grades, starcrossed lovers professing their love for each other on the balcony despite their families' a bitter feud. Street: What? That sounds a lot like Romeo and Juliet. TSPWIFB: Never read it.
Street: Um, okay…What was your first screenname? TSPWIFB: ShakesDaddy69. Honestly, I slayed with the ladies in the iChat days. Street: Fill in the blank: There are two types of people at Penn…. TSPWIFB: People who talk to walls and people who’ve gotten enough sleep. Street: Our readers want to know about your size. You’re one of the biggest portraits on campus—how big are you, exactly? TSPWIFB: Big enough to give it to you As You Like It. Street: Excuse me? TSPWIFB: Sorry, just a bad pun. But are you asking me about my size in inches or feet? How exactly should I… Measure for Measure this? Street: Ugh, never mind. If you are what you eat, what are you?
TSPWIFB: I can’t eat, I’m a wall portrait. God, you’re insensitive. Street: Oh, sorry. What about your outfit. Where’d you get that sick tunic? TSPWIFB: This? It’s actually from Italy.
mean to upset you. Are you mad? Street: It’s okay, I’m not mad. TSPWIFB: Good! All’s Well That Ends Well!
Street: How cosmopolitan! Who makes it? TSPWIFB: Just this guy who owns a little shop over there. I think he’s called The Merchant of Venice? Street: Look, I really can’t help but feel like you’re just name dropping your plays. TSPWIFB: Well, I can’t help but feel like you’re making Much Ado about Nothing. Street: You’re doing it again! Honestly, maybe we should just end the interview here and you can get back to… whatever is that you do on your wall all day. TSPWIFB: I’m sorry, I didn’t
This article has been edited and condensed
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EGOOF THE WEEK
WALL OF FAME
This week, Ego's featuring the lucky ones among us who were blessed enough to have "wall" in their names—and we're giving them a wall–of–fame worthy upgrade. Jojo Wollman → Jojo Wow–I’m–A–Wall– Man! Jacob Wallenberg → Jacob Wallet–burn Walter Dorfner → Walls and Doors–Sir Wally Dawydiak → Wall–E Dude Andre Wallace → And–Then Wall–Sits Ruben Wallaert → U–Been–to–my–Wall? Virginia Walcott → Virgin–AWOL–caught Christina Walker → Christopher–Walken In–a–Walker Madeleine Walsh → Made–lean On–a– Wall–sh Rachel Walter → Ray–shell Walrus–Otter
EGO
WALL THANK YOU NOTES
Ego spent the week catching up on personal stuff like checking canvas, returning emails and writing our weekly thank–you notes. To Third Floor VP Wall Facing Walnut: Thanks for being there whenever I want to bang my head. To Williams Study Lounge Walls: Thanks for being a wall. And by "wall," we mean gaping hole that lets in cold, drafty air. To Wall Blocking Off the Old Under–Commons Food Spot: Thank you for teaching me that you don’t know what you've got 'til it’s gone. Come back. To Hill Walls: Thanks for deciding to get a makeover only after we broke up. Life without AC was Hell…I mean Hill. To Wall at St. Elmo’s: Thanks for awesome photo–ops at Speakeasy, and thanks for the garden on the other side when I eventually do fall off the ledge. To Wall Outside Arch: Thanks for letting me SABS to my heart’s content, while also keeping me separate from all of the people I never want to say "hi" to on Locust Walk.
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MUSIC
BEST WALLS TO TWERK ON AT PENN
An important PSA
JOHANNA MATT-NAVARRO
THE WALL SEPARATING THE M&T OFFICE WALKWAY FROM THE PLEBES IN THE NEXT BUILDING
THE PILLARS IN THE HUNTSMAN HALL FORUM
Wall profile: Smooth brick. Deceptively tractionless. Wear shoes with a good grip. Target audience: Finance students that inexplicably always wear suits. Also, lowly non–Whartonites who got kicked out of GSRs and are forced to do work in the Forum instead. Musical accompaniment: “Rich Girl” by Gwen Stefani. Obviously. Twerk here if: You're trying to seduce a Wharton mate to support you after you graduate with a College degree and no job prospects.
WALL WITH THE GIANT PENN CREST IN WYNN COMMONS
Wall profile: Very rough surface (ideal for supporting your propped up feet!). A little more secluded of an area; perfect for the shyer twerkers among us. Target audience: Bewildered students in the prestigious Jerome Fisher Management and Technology Program trying to enter or exit the office. Musical accompaniment: All of the Baby Mozart albums, because being near M&T inspired you to improve your cognitive functioning. Twerk here if: You want a twerking environment tucked away in a mentally stimulating nook of campus.
GLASS WALLS OF AN EDUCATION COMMONS GSR Wall profile: Slippery. Transparent. Come equipped with proper footwear. Target audience: Athletes and/or the three students actually willing to embark on the lengthy expedition that is walking all the way down there. Musical accompaniment: Any gentle piano music. Can function both to provide calming study music to the people in the GSR and to soothe those sleeping on the giant bean bags in the main room. Twerk here if: You want your twerk staccato to be visible from all directions, courtesy of the see–through supporting wall.
QDOBA
Wall profile: Tall cement slab. Contains more school spirit than the entire student body combined, probably. Target audience: Pre–college high schoolers and their parents taking tours of campus. Musical accompaniment: “The Red and the Blue” lyrics written by Harry E. Westervelt. Hurrah, hurrah, Pennsylvania! Twerk here if: You want to be included in the background of the Instagram every prospective student posts of them posing front of the crest.
Wall profile: Smooth red paint. Be considerate and take your shoes off so you don't mark the walls. Target audience: People who gave up waiting in the Chipotle line. Musical accompaniment: “Bailando” by Enrique Iglesias. Probably the most authentically Latin American element of the entire restaurant. Twerk here if: You want to remain incognito. If you're spotted by someone you know, they won't tell anyone because they won't want to admit they were in Qdoba. Another perk: If you get hungry, you can always take a quick break with some guac and chips.
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MUSIC
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WHAT DOES YOUR WALL ART SAY ABOUT YOU? Because nothing says wall art like vinyls do. And your pick says a lot about you. 1. A Hangover You Don't Deserve—Bowling for Soup So did Debbie just hit the wall, or did you? Between your inability to avoid even the most mediocre of puns and/or your perpetual hangover, it’s clearly you. What’s more: You’re a big believer of misery loving company in nursing said hangover. Company in the form of classic tunes from the '00s, Debbie and a fake TV.
2. (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?—Oasis You’re a morning person! And an optimist! Cute. One way to describe your wall? Absolutely wonderful! Because your favorite song is "Wonderwall," right? Just please stop shouting.
3. The Wall—Pink Floyd Oh, so that’s what a wall is. How informative. I had no idea. You’re a no–nonsense kinda guy. Your motto? A wall is a wall is a wall. And no music can change that. Except Pink 8
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Floyd’s album The Wall, which is as classic as classic rock itself, but, more importantly, it's perfectly appropriate for your wall.
4. Bad Blood—Bastille A little man standing in a little street. You’re so ~artsy~! You’re almost as bad as The Wall guy, except a bit more clever. As if we didn’t know that the walls came tumbling down in the city that we love. But we always did and always will love "Pompeii." So we’ll love you, too.
5. Bangerz—Miley Cyrus Unless you truly love Miley Cyrus and "Wrecking Ball," or maybe you just have a thing for palm trees, this shouldn’t be your go to for wall art. We get it, all you wanted was to break those walls. You’re just, like, really passionate and emotional. But please, do us all a favor and pull yourself together.
TALIA STERMAN
FOOD & DRINK
THE BEST WALLS TO LICK ON CAMPUS Sometimes all you need is a taste.
Unfortunately, you can't eat a wall (unless it's drywall). Although we wish we could, it's apparently frowned upon to carve out a chunk for lunch—something about building stability. But fear not! While you may not be able to eat your favorite walls on campus, you can still lick them! Here are our personal favorites:
POTTRUCK, 3RD FLOOR
FAGIN HALL
Lick for the sweat of your enemies and the blood of your ex– hookups—revenge never tasted so salty.
HUNTSMAN GSR 2
Lick for when you are on a diet and can't have the calories of a real cookie. The nurses always bring cookies, and there is no way their taste has not seeped into the walls by now. Lick for the lost dreams of those who didn't get that JP Morgan internship—their sorrow will make you stronger.
FEDERAL DONUTS
We are 110% certain these walls are infused with a melange of coffee, chicken and donuts, and we are frankly quite angry that we can only lick them.
LYN'S
Lick for when the grease on your breakfast sandwich is not enough to cure your hangover. D E C E M B E R 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E
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F E AT U R E
hey are many in number. They are stoic. They are strong. They are the guardians of Penn’s campus—of our souls and ourselves. They are bound to stand by us, in sickness and in health. They are the support we need, not the support we deserve. They are walls. These are their stories. e stands. He stares. Blankly, his eyes fix at the horizon while he speaks. “Every once in a while, we notice these buildups of tension between West Philadelphia residents and our appropriative neighbors in University City. This time, the students at the University of Pennsylvania have simply gone too far. They are not West Philadelphia residents and have never been West Philadelphia residents. They have not contributed to the community in any constructive way and do not have the lived experiences to draw upon which would allow them to act in such a way,” he said, stationary. “Graffiting a wall on campus to make it look ‘urban’ more than crosses the line.” West Philly and Penn students have always shared a complicated relationship. The local community has grown throughout the decades, while the University continues to expand its reach into the neighborhood. While the two attempt to integrate their cultures, students at times misuse the heritage and history
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of its residential surroundings. But this wall can’t do much to protest student behavior. He is a wall. enn walls have wildly varying experiences depending on their undergraduate school. One of the Huntsman walls forming GSR 267, who preferred to remain anonymous, pointed out that on more than one occasion she had overheard plans to commit insider trading. “It was like Martha Stewart all over again,” she exclaimed. “Maybe no one ever suspects anything because they’re rich. Still, the students I hear these days definitely prove the hardest part of Wharton is getting in.” “I recognize that I received the legacy of the many foundational, named walls before me. I recognize my wall privilege,” said the wall. “I know I was donated by a capitalist crook, but I never thought I’d see the cycle of stolen wealth repeat at such an egalitarian institution.” The Huntsman main hallway wall refused to comment. He would only
F E AT U R E
speak to reporters with Wharton degrees. A wall in the female–heavy Nursing School has a problem with the number of male College students who populate the area near her, going so far as to lean on her. The female nurses, on the other hand, are constantly trying to “lean in.” She’s up to her ears with this behavior. And as for the College? One wall outside Fisher–Bennett Hall groaned at the horde of cigarette–toting English majors striding past. “They think they’re so post–post– modern,” the wall intoned. “They say that I’m just post–modern, and that hurts. They’re not as avant–garde as they think they are.” A wall in Addams said he almost filed a complaint after fine arts majors kept smudging him with paint. Another famous Wharton alumnus has made news recently campaigning for the construction of a new wall named after him. The Trump Wall should be completed by late 2016, and will completely surround the business school, separating it from the rest of campus. When we asked the Trump Wall about his vision for protecting Wharton from undocumented College students, he simply said, “I’m
gonna be YUGE.” The Donald himself would not return our calls for comment. nd even classroom walls aren’t safe. One wall says he feels incredibly uncomfortable when professors teach HIST 211, Russian–German Politics, in his seminar room. “Every time the professors explain the fall of the Berlin wall, they act like it’s a victory. And the students all suck up and agree,” he said, cold and unmoving. “It’s like they literally support our downfall. That wall could’ve been my cousin.” The wall said he has repeatedly requested trigger warnings from the University History Department. When we contacted the department chair for a statement, she simply said Penn traditionally does not provide warnings regarding a curriculum’s content. But the wall says that insensitivity even continues after class. “Students really need think about their rhetoric and their language. Phrases like ‘I’m hitting a wall’ and ‘I could punch a wall’ can be really traumatizing.” “They don’t understand that words hurt, and so do walls.” ff–campus walls see different challenges than their University– sponsored peers do. “Everyone thinks I’m from Europe or something, or that I’m gay,” a wall in the Psi Upsilon, commonly
referred to as Castle, house said. “Seriously, I’m completely straight. You can stick a level on me anytime you want.” Besides, he suggested, shipping walls from Europe would be too expensive. “Don’t get me wrong,” the wall was quick to add—not as casually as he would have liked. “We could afford it. We just don’t want to." “Hey, what the hell?” The wall shouted as our reporter turned to leave. “Put out that cigarette, man!” The wall stressed he has taken added precautions in the past few weeks, after “almost losing a brother in a small fire.” We tried to interview a wall from a Spruce frat, but the wall would only respond, “Who do you know here?” After our reporters listed a few brothers in the frat, the wall just stared blankly at them. “Take a lap,” he said. “Except for that freshman in the crop top. She can come in.” “You can even try sitting on me,” the wall said to the freshman in question, without a hint of irony. We spoke to a third wall about the experience of having a front–row seat to uncomfortable frat basement activities, like grinding and twerking. “It’s horrifying,” she said. “I’ve been in more threesomes than I can count.” The wall has repeatedly tried to make an appointment at CAPS, but the University has yet to approve her Penn InTouch account. We also reached out to a fourth wall at the Platt Student Performing
Arts Center, but we couldn’t. (Ed. note: We broke it.) he University prides itself on creating a friendly living atmosphere for freshmen on campus, with dorms that supposedly feature state of the art walls. But actually talk to the walls that literally support these freshmen, and you’ll get a different story. “I can’t handle all these selfies,” a freshman girl’s Facebook wall groaned. “And they insist on calling me a Timeline, but come on, who’s kidding anyone? They know I’m a wall, and they think they can smother me in NSO photos months later. I just can’t even.” A wall in the Quad demanded we speak to him, because, in his own words, “Nobody ever fucking talks to me.” “These freshmen, they think they’re all too cool. Ha. I see these kids still in their date night outfits at noon the next day, they think they can hide that from me? They think
I don’t see what’s going on? Pssh. And the whole ‘sign–in–after–2– am–rule’…hell, those kids don’t even know how to hold a pen at that time.” The wall was particularly indignant about the musical choices of these freshmen. “To the window…to the wall? What kind of dumb ass song is that? Bitch, please, move to the wall and stay there. And stop telling everyone about your sweat patterns!” he wall in the Undergraduate Admissions office, tucked on the southern side of College Hall’s first floor, has also seen a lot in his day. “Once, admissions Officer Kelly Johns peed on me when Dean Furda wasn’t looking,” said the wall. “I thought this shit only happened in fraternities.” “Despite the common belief that admissions are meritocratic and holistic, after about half the Class of 2019 was admitted, the officers gave up and accepted people based on random criteria,” she explained.
“One student was admitted because his AP score credits added to 69 (Ed. note: Nice!), while another because his name was Mike Hunt." One wall was furious at Penn’s application process. “An application essay asked if you’re movable, a mover or immovable,” the wall said. “I’d never get accepted that way. I’m literally immovable!” Other walls in College Hall also have complaints regarding University administration. “I’ve been a wall for over a century, and I still don’t have tenure.” One wall in Van Pelt’s Mark’s Cafe is incredibly unhappy with her current arrangement. Though Penn’s library has tons of resources, its aesthetics continue to suffer. “People say that it’s the inside that counts, but I know first–hand that’s not true.” She sighed, “Besides, I talked to a wall at a Harvard library– they just have it better there. I don’t know, I feel like everyone who sees me wished I reached greater heights.” “But at least I’m not a wall at Yale,” the wall continued. “Those guys have massive chips in their facades.” And at Brown, there are no walls, thanks to the university’s new “open space” policies. Cornell can’t quite figure out how they work. For future reference, they go on top of the foundation and below the roof. But the wall doesn’t know how to change this broken system. She says, "It’s hard to move people when you can’t move yourself."
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FOOD & DRINK
THINK OUTSIDE THE FOUR WALLS… …aka "the box," aka food combos you wouldn’t think would work but totally do.
BREAKFAST OMELETTE WITH CHEESE This is some next level shit. I know it sounds crazy, but just trust us.
KIND BAR Kiss your plain ol' cliff bar goodbye. There are way more interesting snack options out there, like this nutty, chocolaty goodness. Nuts and chocolate. What's next, chips and cheese?!
CEREAL IN CUP Bowls are so 2014! Dare to be different.
APPLE AND PEANUT BUTTER If you happen to forget the apple and simply get weird with the peanut butter, we will also consider that thinking outside the box.
BAGEL WITH CREAM CHEESE AND LOX Bagel with butter is so elementary. The newest trend in bagel toppings is cream cheese. Seems weird, we know, but somehow it works.
2ND BREAKFAST
MID AFTERNOON SNACK
CARROTS AND HUMMUS Mushed up chickpeas? Gross. But somehow yum. FRONTERA Originality takes total control in this option. We've heard it's worth trying, and, like, no one goes there at 1pm every week day so you can be a trendsetter.
LUNCH
CHICKEN NUGGETS AND KETCHUP You heard it here: Chicken and ketchup is the next fad combo. Next you’ll be eating fries with ketchup, who knows!
DINNER
VANILLA BEAN ICE CREAM Don’t settle for just plain old vanilla anymore. We have the updated version for you: without the vanilla BEAN you are simply settling.
DESSERT DARK CHOCOLATE Get out of town! Yes my friends! Something besides regular chocolate exists! Get artsy with your dessert and dive in. 1 2 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E D E C E M B E R 3 , 2 01 5
FOOD & DRINK
FROM THE STOOORE…
TO THE WALL… …To the wall. The best foods to throw at a wall. We know you've been DYING for this list. We aim to please.
BALOGNA: What a satisfying slap.
ALMOND BUTTER: A bitch to clean up.
SUSHI: Best use of Mark’s Cafe rolls.
GUSHERS: Is there actually liquid inside, or is it just a dream? There's only one way to find out.
GUACAMOLE: "Guacamole is extra." “Yes, I know." "Okay, here you go.” *Throws it at a wall.*
BUTTERED TOAST: Ten points for Gryffindor if it lands butter side on the wall.
HAMBURGER MEAT: We prefer it raw. In general.
MAYONNAISE: “Is mayonnaise an instrument?” “No, Patrick, mayonnaise is for throwing at walls.”
TZATZIKI: We're just interested in what people will think it is after it's on the wall. (Ed. note: wink)
CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE: Bring all the boys to the yard, and then once they’re there— throw that jawn as hard as you can.
HONEST TOM'S BREAKFAST BURRITO: JK, why would you ever waste that?
MEATBALLS: One for you, one for the wall. That's how this one goes.
WEDGE OF BRIE: But only the smallest wedge because it's approximately $100 an ounce.
EGGS: There can't be anything more satisfying.
STREET LIKES ALL THE MOUTH THINGS. CHECK US OUT @ 34ST.COM ;)
CINNAMON ROLL: Hot and with lots of icing for maximum stickage.
ALLEGRO BBQ CHICKEN PIZZA: (You might have already done this.)
MAC AND CHEESE: Mac and cheese…even better with additional bacon bits.
JELLY FILLED DONUT: Because you know Hillel’s gonna have extra.
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FILM
A WALL FOR A WALL What happens if your favorite movie substitutes its protagonist for…a wall?
WALL STREET A wall stands idly by as Gordon Gekko says one of the most famous lines in cinema history: “Greed, in other words, is good.” She is stunned by the incredible greed and excess of the '80s—the amount of paintings that have been hung up on her is almost enough to tear her down. But she stands tall, supporting the house that Gekko built.
PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER
Merriam–Webster defines a wallflower as someone who is as awkward as you are on Thursday nights at Rumor: stand in a corner, hold your drink, avoid all human contact. (Ed. note: Don’t fact check that.) Swiwtch in an actual wall for the protagonist of this movie and, other than missing out on Logan Lerman’s perfect face, odds are that no one will be able to tell the difference. Would the same apply to you on Thursday nights at Rumor? Ah, this is so awkward.
WALL STREET: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS This time, the wall calls the cops. Shia LaBeouf, who is inexplicably in this movie, goes to movie jail and is never heard from again.
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FILM
THE WOLF OF WALL STREET
WALL–E
Sex. Drugs. Rock 'n' Roll. Kidding, only more drugs. College? No, just Leonard DiCaprio’s performance as the wolf of Wall Street, which we would all deem as pretty unforgettable. Thus, you would be rather unhappy if Scorsese switched out Leo for a wall. However, the Academy would probably notice and give out the Oscar for Best Actor to said wall. Stay strong, Leo, we love you and think you’re a phenomenal actor. And you’re hot.
The scenes on post–apocalyptic Earth are really difficult to watch, from a wall's perspective. All of that destruction. All of that carnage. The movie really takes a turn when WALL–E and EVE return to the Axiom, because they’ve got some serious high–functioning walls on that ship. We’re inspired to be like those walls.
WALLACE AND GROMIT Dearly beloved Wallace and Gromit: Are you a movie or are you a TV show? I don’t think anyone really knows, so we’re going to call you a movie for now. (Ed. note: We're kidding, we checked—it actually is. Amazing journalists over here.) Say we replace Wallace for an actual wall: Seems like it would be a dog and a wall in a pretty intimate relationship. That shit’s weird. Let’s not and say we didn’t either. Great, this has been productive.
Wall you need is love. And Street. And our crush party. Tonight, 6:30 PM, Smoke's.
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ARTS
THE MOST BASIC WALLS
An in–depth review of Penn's most artistic walls.
It’s easy to get lost on Locust Walk. We get caught up in everyday things. Fucking Starbucks took the holiday cheer away from their coffee cups. Finals are going to make you crawl under your coffee table and not come out until 2025. You have a 9am recitation. Then meetings on meetings on meetings. The stress gets to you and it pounds inside your head and, alas, we forget to see the beauty in the little things all around us. The extraordinary. The art that surrounds us every day. Literally. Because walls surround us. Because walls entrap us. In art. #Duh. To assuage this tragic oversight, we’ve extensively reviewed works/walls of art around campus so you can stop and appreciate the roses in between your group project meetings.
#1: DRL DECK
#3: HILL COLLEGE HOUSE
DRL is really the Pan’s Labyrinth of Penn—you never know what may be hidden inside. Take a look at the brick walls that surround this abhorred building’s enclosed second floor deck. Perhaps they are protecting Penn’s greatest minds, or perhaps they are a reflection of MATH–104’s prison–like torture. Rumor has it the bricks are in a fractal pattern.
#2: BRIDGE CAFE At Bridge Cafe is a detail you probably haven’t noticed. Look up and you’ll find a cityscape portrait of NYC. The symbolic landscape is a classic icon; the city that never sleeps, just like you don’t. But, in this city of concrete dreams also lies your dream job—probably. Attend those info sessions and shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land in an unpaid internship.
On the outside, it looks like a jail. But on the inside, it looks like a…pre–school? Don’t let the bars on the windows fool you, Hill College House is full of bright, fun colors splashed across the hallways—we hear the residents even identify with their wall colors. Even more interesting? The colors are not consistent across floors! How’s that for a mindfuck?
#4: WILLIAMS HALL QUIET STUDY LOUNGE SOFA WALLS
Penn's collection of walls goes beyond our traditional conceptions of such—if you look carefully, you can find some really groundbreaking examples of the genius architects who built our hallowed halls' walls. Take, for example, Williams Hall’s sofa walls, which offer a mixed–media piece that provides both comfort and aesthetics. The comfiness of the couches is perfectly juxtaposed with the rigidness of the walls. Ponder the complexities in texture while you sip your morning brew. 1 6 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E D E C E M B E R 3 , 2 01 5
WALLS OF INSTAGRAM ARTS
A guide to staging your next photo opp.
FIREPLACE IN HOUSTON
Remember that moment when you first arrived at Penn on move–in day? And when you were ushered through Houston Hall to have your picture taken and were promptly handed a NARP–y Penncard hanging from a lanyard, which you immediately put around your neck? This should obviously be documented on Instagram, and the fireplace is the perfect backdrop. Hashtag #livepenn and then burn that lanyard….
RECESS LOUNGE MURAL
Almost as iconic as Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s if Breakfast at Tiffany's was an Owls Downtown that happened every Thursday. Let your mom know through facebook that you lost your keys, your dignity and your virginity at a subpar Philly club. Don’t light the curtains on fire with the unsmoked cigarette you lit to look cool.
Feb Club. Hey Day. NSO pictures with your #bestfriendsforeverandever on the Love Statue. Just like these rites of passage, taking pictures in these key locations is a must before you graduate.
BRICK WALL AT THEOS ON WALNUT
ANY WALL AT PILAM
Literally. Any single wall. Preferably make sure this picture has a vignette effect so that it’s blurry, or that it was taken on a polaroid (in which case, write an unrelated caption). Look salty as fuck or like you’re dancing to Miley’s new album.
You darty. You’re fun. We get it. You’ll use a shit–ton of filters to blur the spilled natty off your crop top, but Street still spotted it. Be sure to hashtag #theostheostheos.
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LOWBROW
THE 10 BEST WAYS TO PHYSICALLY BUILD EMOTIONAL WALLS
Keep those pesky, clingy lovers just the right distance from you with these neat tactics.
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Stack all of the sugar packets between you and your coffee date to really come off as sweet but distant.
When strolling through a park, find the nearest dog and throw it at your partner.
Your hookup is trying to DFMO? Ew, no. Place yourself behind the nearest fern, and he will possibly leaf you alone!
Adele just sold three million copies of 25. Take 2,525 of those and place them between you and your not–so–loved ones. They’ll have to say hello from the other siiiiiiide! Does your significant other really like your beard? Keep the trimmings, combine with wax and make balls to throw at your bae. If you’re worried that the person you’re dating is getting a little too cozy with you, have a friend (or ideally, a grandparent) sit between you two in order to avoid any sort of funny business. Place yourself inside a human–sized genie bottle or pink lava lamp and tell your fuckbuddy, “You weren’t rubbing me the right way.”
It’s very punk rock to break guitars. So break your lover’s and make a trip wire between you and your groupie with the strings.
Spit ice at your loved one! You’ll be cool for the summer, winter and spring while lacking true emotional attachment. Invite your date over to Netflix and chill, then when he or she gets to your place, hand her or him a brick of cocaine and call the cops. Nothing says “I’m not ready for commitment” like getting your date arrested for possession with intent to distribute.
LOWBROW
WALLS WE REALLY NEED ON CAMPUS Dear President Gutmann, please build these walls.
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Surrounding the button to protect it from rampant cigarette smoke billowing out of the Europeans and English majors.
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Between Ben & Jerry’s and HipCityVeg to keep the vegans from rioting against those audacious enough to consume dairy.
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Encircling the biopond to make a true greenhouse (aka hotbox the shit out of it).
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Separating the two bunks in Class of 1928, Room 207 in the Quad. Melissa and Alayna really need their space after the incident with the can opener.
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Split the Towne building into East and West Towne—recreate the splitting of Berlin!
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Covering all the doors of DRL.
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Between Zete and Hill, since they really shouldn’t be looking at each other that much.
WALLS DEFINITELYTRY YOU SHOULD
CLIMBING For when the rock climbing wall in Pottruck is simply not enough.
LOCAL
Rumor/Recess/Loft Bar: SABSing at two hundred feet! This way the professional photographer will notice you for sure! The side of College Hall: DURING CONVOCATION! (Ed. note: Pre–gaming is required.) A wall at MIA: The acoustics and visuals are so much better up there! A wall in Van Pelt: You've been wanting to steal a book on Mayan archeology for years. Now is your moment. The side of Smokes': For all you SWUGs out there. The side of Huntsman: Who needs GSRs anyway?!
NOT LOCAL
The wall of a trendy cafe in Paris: Much better cell reception than on Penn's campus. The Great Wall of China: Totally legal. The White House: Because like, let me in already. The Taj Mahal: It’s made for climbing. This way, you can avoid the tourists. And the tour guides. That betchy hotel in Santorini: Brides kept blocking your view. You’re still salty about it. A castle in Europe: There's no better way to capture Prince Harry's heart. Who is the next Princess of Wales? YOU. D E C E M B E R 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 9
B AC K PAG E
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