UNDER THE BUTTON

1920 COMMONS TO BE RENAMED 1620 LORDS | MIKAYLA GOLUB

Welcome all ye peasants to the University of Pennsylvania, whether thou art a young freshman or wretched wench.

Upon thy return to campus, thou may hast noticed some changes, such as professors on horseback, turkey legs and mead in Houston Hall, and a jousting ring where ye ole Franklin Field used to be.

While conducting refinancing amidst the plague, the royal court administrators hath decided to sell the majority of the institution to Charles I, King of England and, now, His Lordship of the University of Pennsylvania.

As the first act, His Lordship hath renamed 1920 Commons to 1620 Lords and announced plans to remodel this public tavern into his new lavish estate.

Charles I, King of England and His Lordship of the University of Pennsylvania, hath many goals for his reign, such as to improve the status of the University against competing kingdoms, expel the monastic order of Temple University, hold public trials of sorority witches at the Button, put alligators in the Schuylkill to secure the perimeter of the village, mandate biweekly bleedings and symptom checks, discourage literacy amongst students, lead missions through the Newman Center, bestow upon the Office of Student Conduct the right to hold beheadings imminently, and monopolize the Renaissance Fair circuit on the East Coast.

Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Public Domain

DEAR PENN: STOP GIVING US TOTE BAGS AND START GIVING US USB TYPE-A TO MINI-B CABLES | IAN ONG

Dear Penn, if you really care about the student population, then you should stop giving us tote bags, and give us USB Type-A to Mini-B cables instead.

Think logically about it: What do you even use a tote bag for? Holding groceries? Carrying heavy books? See, it’s practically useless — not to mention mundane as all hell.

Now behold, the USB Type-A to MiniB cable! It can be used to charge any TI-84 Plus series graphing calculator. God knows how much I need that cable, and as a Penn student, I should be entitled to at least one or two of them.

You see, there was a time when I wasn’t really a big cable advocate. That all changed when I lost mine and kept getting told by the CVS guy that they would restock, and guess what? I showed up at 3 P.M. every day only to be met with a barren USB cable section and disgusted looks from the cashier.

Okay, I know you can get them off of Amazon for cheap, but hear me out. That would require me to walk all of the way to Amazon@Penn and scan a barcode on my phone, effectively ruining my chill morning and good vibes. Oh yeah, and something about workers being exploited, too. Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Public Domain