April 17, 2014

April 17, 2014 34st.com

april 17 LOL

BESTFROMTHEEDITOR

2014 3 HIGHBROW word on the street, overheard at penn, best of craigslist, round up

4 EGO

ego of the week: ernest owens, worst of penn

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9 MUSIC

album reviews, best and worst song lyrics

13 FEATURE best of penn

19 FILM

best streaming services, best movie theaters, best penn shoutouts

21 FOOD & DRINK

Best Quail ;)

I don’t really like fling. There I said it. Maybe I’m in the minority, but I will stand by my opinion. Sure, a weekend of day–drinking and music and sun sounds like college perfection and I even sent someone a text on post–Fling Sunday saying “How could fling not be good?” in response to the question “Good fling?” but the bottom line is that it can. It can be bad. It can be disappointing and it can be overrated and it can be bad.

We are told that Fling is our best weekend of the Spring and so we succumb to the tremendous pressure to make it just that. And when it’s not, we sit in our air–conditioned rooms and avoid the quad with our best friends (no, just me?) and we feel worse about ourselves than when the weekend started.

But it doesn’t matter. I’m going to continue to pretend that I like Fling and force myself to have fun because that’s what Fling is for and sometimes

that’s what it takes. You only get one best weekend of the spring and even though mine may not have been what you would consider “best,” I had a great time in my room with my friends. Penn told me Fling would be something and I tried hard to make it that.

Now Street is here to talk bests.

Here’s how this works: we tell you what we think is the best and you keep an open mind and find what works for you. You tell yourself “How could this not be good?” and even if it isn’t, you’ll find what is. Let Best of Penn be to you what Fling is to me.

It’s a suggestion and we hope it turns into something more. Something you make for yourself.

best I ever ate

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23 ARTS

best artsy dates, art where you eat

25 LOWBROW

really offensive religious stuff, mainly

28 BACKPAGE

the best of the best and brightest

We know you're VERY busy...

—Writing term papers —Studying for exams —Arranging your multi–tier reading day social schedule —SUBMITTING FAKKIN SHOUTOUTS TO 34ST.COM —Hunting pheasants —Crying over your breakup —Seducing your TA —Plotting your TA's demise —Cleaning Fling stains out of your undies ;) —Wishing there were Fling stains in your undies :( —Doing all the crazy things you do as compensation for saying you're a big bad Quaker

BUT MAKE TIME FOR STREET | WRITERS' MEETING. TONIGHT. 4015 'NUT. 6:30 PM.

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Chloe Bower, Best Date BYO Patrick Ford-Matz, Best Discipline Dad Abigail Koffler, Best Vegetable Margot Halpern, Best Attitude Sarah Tse, Best Cheerleader Byrne Fahey, Best Easy Button Ling Zhou, Best Muthafuckin Weirdo!

Conor Cook, Best–agram Julia Liebergall, Best Drama Queen Alex Sternlicht, Best Drag Queen Nicole Malick, Best Ego Waffle Randi Kramer, Best To Be Around Emily Marcus, Best China Ryan Zahalka, Best Chest Hair/Muscles 2

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Cassandra Kyriazis, Best Sex Columnist Casey Quackenbush, Best Pledge Michelle Ma, Best Samwise Zacchiaus McKee, Best Tuck Ariela Osuna, Best in Black Lucy Hovanisyan, Best Mysterious Cateye Ciara Stein, Best Friend Molly Collett, Best Inmate (RIP) Emma Soren, Best Late Bloomer Patrick Del Valle, Best Patrick Marley Coyne, Best at Marley Emily Johns, Best Boyfriend Clare Lombardo, Best Way To Get On Staff Justin Sheen, Best Drunk Baby

Alyssa Berlin, Best Baker Katie Hartman, Best ZBT Bro Giulia Imholte, Best Spelling Lauren Greenberg, Best Food Porn Sophia Fischler-Gottfried, Best Three–Part Name Rosa Escandon, Best Vagina COVER DESIGN: Margot Halpern BACKPAGE DESIGN: Byrne Fahey Contributors: Mark Paraskevas, Diane Bayeux, Charles Davis, Alex Levy, Allison Bart, Rochelle Chen

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief, at bower@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581.

VISIT OUR WEB SITE: www.34st.com "You're the reason Street's not even funny anymore!" ©2014 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday

HIGHBROW

craigslist: penn edition

wordonthestreet

Looking for summer subletters? Highbrow found some listings you might be interested in.

LIFE 101

BY NICOLE MALICK

Might we suggest the Children’s Section or Computer Connection?

Hez a loneley boy who lives off campis end hez lukin 4 a luvr (Ed note: in the meantime, you should learn to spell) Okay, this is a BARGAIN. Screw tuition.

Who needs Castle when you can smoke in the comfort of your own hookah lounge?

THEROUNDUP

We’re just gonna cut right to the chase. Sex. Drugs.

Fling. Let’s Guett it.

Let’s start with the Quad, the “heart” of Spring Fling. Highbrow hears that the Riepe House Dean found a non–Penn boy passed out, completely naked, in a pool of his own vomit in a hallway. When she tried to shake him awake, the drunkard repeatedly slurred “It’s the shrooms, man.” Later that day, the same House Dean went on a high–speed chase around the Quad, assisting the Penn Police in capturing a Flinging student dressed as Superman. The cops reportedly referred to the vigilante as “Indian Superman” in their walkie–talkie conversations. In what can only be described as kryptonite, our superhero escaped the clutches of Penn’s legal system and was later found sound asleep in the grass. Once again, good triumphs over evil.

Crippled with a bad case of drunchies, one UTB editor decided to order himself a large pizza from Domino’s. However, the blogger accidentally sent his deep dish across the country...to his childhood home in Minnesota.

Sound asleep in their bed, his parents awoke at two a.m. to a Domino’s delivery boy at their front door. Instead of scolding their careless progeny, the parents enjoyed the free late–night snack. His brains may be Under the Button, but his pizza is in Middle America.

Speaking of drunchies, two lovers headed to Fresh Grocer for their midnight fix. But in-

stead of going for the delicious sushi bar, they went for each other...right in the main entryway. Fellow shoppers and Fresh Grocer employees flocked to see the sex–crazed maniacs aggressively dry humping against the wall. Well done, Flingers.

This is much more creative than hooking up in a common room, alleyway or bed.

Is it hot in here, or are we coming down with a case of Alpha Phiver? Symptoms may include vomiting or taking a huge dump outside the sorority chapter house. Highbrow hears that one poopy bro did just that, dropping some Alpha Pheces on the corner of 41st and Walnut. Excited by the prospect of actual crime, police officers promptly arrested the pooper. Cut him some slack, cops. Maybe he was just trying to claim his territory.

And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for: the 34th Street Downtown. Tabard Riff Raff can only dream to achieve the level of scene experienced at Club Pulse last Thursday night. Bottles were popped, beats were dropped and it was almost stopped by an alleged undercover cop. Naturally, the officer was mesmerized by the utter coolness exhibited by the most badass members of this hallowed university. Gay hooked up with straight. VIPs mixed with club regulars. It was, to put it mildly, obSCENE. Maybe you’ll get the invite next year. Maybe not.

Oh, and an AXO fucked a Chainsmoker in his hotel. We hope she took a good #selfie.

over heard PENN at

Guetta Girl 1: I’m on soooo many drugs right now.

Guetta Girl 2: I’m on my anxiety meds?!

Sorostitute: Two weeks left. Time to make out with the first guy you see on the street.

AXO: Is it bad if I go back to the Quad to hook up with a freshman?

Relevant Penn student: Have you ever heard of Honest Tom’s?

We should go there sometime.

I think our understanding of a “general education” needs an update. Living World and Formal Reasoning are, in theory, useful subject matters. But what about Living in the World or Learning to Be Reasonable?

Freshman year, I wasn’t worried about filling the College sectors or foundations because I believed there would be copious options for each one. Easy. Yet after a few semesters, I’ve grown disillusioned. Finding a worthwhile class to fill each requirement has proved to be far less straightforward (and far more frustrating) than I initially thought. And judging by Penn Course Review comments and complaints, I’m not alone.

Do I feel more prepared for the professional world because of Geology 103? A GPA–dropping Physical World class consisting of largely empty lectures, a graduate professor who falsely promised “understanding general themes and concepts” would suffice and incredibly detailed exams? Not quite.

Regardless of intentions, too many of these courses overload students with surface–level information and then test them on minute details. Where are the classes that challenge us to be better people?

My high school self–defense class wasn’t only high kicks and roundhouses: it was about intuition and gaining a general sense of self–confidence. SLFD–001. You’d learn to feel secure, whether walking back from Van Pelt late at night or standing up for yourself in a heated debate.

Amidst charged campus discussions of mental health, where are classes that address student needs as they arise? We’ve all got voices we’re eager to share (via Facebook statuses and Twitter rants) so let’s create a forum for mediated dialogue. A required freshman seminar that encourages constructive conversation? Useful. Downright innovative.

If Penn were to insist I join a lecture that follows and dissects current events through news stories, I’d feel more like an active member of society, and less of a college student who reads three free New York Times articles a month.

Our curriculum is rigorous enough. I want to be a more capable individual. Why isn’t that a requirement?

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EGOOF THE WEEK: ERNEST OWENS Street: So tell us about Ernest Media Empire, Inc. Ernest Owens: I say I’m a multi–media journalist, because when you say the word journalist people get turned off…I do a lot of things; I do video, I do visual, I do graphic design, I do writing, I do all of it, so it’s multi–media journalism…I work WITH the

establishment, I don’t work for the establishment. I’m contributing my work to you; I’m helping you out, Huffington Post…So I get to talk about things like that, things like feminism, I can talk about Beyoncé and how she can do better, I can talk all those great things. And fun fact, Beyoncé went to my high school.

Street: Who else is included in the Empire?

EO: I have a great team. We call it CMOC, Creative Men of Color…We talk about racism, rape culture awareness, we talk about a lot of stuff.

Street: And the website has a very professional design.

EO: I wanted to take impor-

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You know his name, you’ve seen his face, you’ve probably definitely heard his opinions. This week, we gave Ernest a chance to reveal the man behind the ego. tant stuff and make it sexy.

So that, when you look at the site, you don’t feel like you’re going to “The National Association of blah blah blah.” It looks stylish, looks chic, but then you’re learning so much cool stuff at the same time…My webpage is a public service. It’s just that it’s chic.

Street: What’s your proudest accomplishment to date?

EO: Losing the Class Board election my freshman year.

Street: Really? Why? EO: I thought I was going to be the next president of the United States…I was the kid that a lot of kids are at Penn right now and it sucked. I had my whole thing planned out…My first day at Penn was the first day NSO…I

didn’t know anyone, I didn’t know what I was doing. I had Kinko copy cards, with a little Penn logo, with my double major at the top.

And I had like 1500 of them, and I was passing them out, and I didn’t know anyone…But I came in here thinking I was going to be class president and I lost that election, and I lost it epicly, and I had this horrible NEC thing. And that was so embarrassing on my part, I didn’t know what to do! I was like wait, this is not part of the plan!

Street: So what’d you do?

EO: Then WQHS said, “Hey! You want to do a radio show and speak your mind?”…And then that just kept going and going, and I realized that what I ended up loving was media, because I saw how the media reflected on me…

My entire Penn experience at that point was like, why am I here, maybe I made the wrong decision, maybe I’m not up for this Ivy League thing…And doing that got me experience to find out Penn from a different light.

I was able to re–design myself. Like, make myself a personality, make myself a brand. And I began to say, I’m going to be bold, I’m going to be fearless, I’m going to speak my mind, and I’m going to do that because I’m going to control my media.

Street: And you’re referring to your radio show, Ernestly Speaking? What’s that like?

EO: Controversial. When I first did it my first semester they almost cut the show— people tried to get the show off, because they were a little salty…We talk about sex, dating, relationships, it was a Wendy Williams type of show…But we’re

EGO

not regulated by the FCC, and that’s what people don’t know about our show.

Street: So now the big question: Why do you choose to make your discourse so public?

EO: Because people won’t hear me otherwise…And I remember, when I was very little I used to be very timid. I used to have anxiety attacks, and I used to be passive…People won’t hear you if you don’t say anything…And I think that especially now with mental health being an issue, I want to encourage people to start expressing themselves. I do it not for you all, I do it for my health.

It’s therapeutic to speak what’s on my mind. It’s not just for the shows and likes and friends and all that crap, it’s for me! So when I go to bed at night, I don’t have any regrets…Because I know that, if I’m wrong, I’m wrong, but at least I was right letting other people know I was wrong.

Street: Do you find that you reach people or just create controversy?

EO: I hate the word controversy. I think the word controversy is a stigmatizing word that many people use to try to distract what I’m saying.

Street: But controversy has arisen about what you write.

EO: No matter how people feel about me, they’re still reading it. And when they’re by themselves with that laptop in their lonely rooms in the dark, they’re sitting there with a moral conscience telling themselves, “He’s right.” They may not admit it, but they’ll say it…They may not give me the credit and I don’t want the credit, because it’s not about that. What I want is for people to have better mindsets about these things…So sometimes I go

in there head–first…A lot of people, they can’t do that. All these cultural groups, they’re under politics, they want to be in senior societies, they want to be cool, so they don’t want to piss people off. Me? What do I got to lose? This is what I do for a living. I’m an activist first, a journalist second.

Street: What are your thoughts on senior societies?

EO: People are always saying, I’m like the Leonardo DiCaprio of senior societies. Like, “What! You do all this stuff and you’re not in?”

No! Because I was honest, that’s why I’m not in them…I pissed a few people off. So I always joke that I’m in a society, it’s called the Illuminati.

Look it up…And all the kids that cry and whimper about it all the time, they didn’t get in, I’m just like, “But does that make anything you do less legit?”

Greek men I think, aren’t they?

Street: Nope. Not only.

EO: Well they’re all white men, mostly.

Street: So why not join them and combine forces?

EO: Well, a lot of times, when you want to take initiative, you don’t got time to wait for other people…I think this school is so decentralized to the point that everyone feels like every time you want to do something you gotta get checked by another group, you gotta have this protocol.

Why can’t you just make your own shit? I said fuck it, I’m gonna make my own Rape Awareness Week.

Street: So what about “Rape Culture Awareness Week.”

How does that differ from already established events like Take Back the Night?

EO: Because I’m a man.

Street: But doesn’t that contribute to the decentralization?

EO: I think that there’s no versatility in leadership on this campus because, you know, One in Four’s an establishment, but sometimes people want an alternative. And for that week, I wanted to give an alternative way of looking at this issue.

Street: How about One in Four?

EO: One in Four, well they’re

Street: Tell us more about the recent NEC scandal following UA elections.

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EO: I’m a social media tycoon, in my own right. I can smell bullshit a mile away on social media…

I am against vanity on social media. [Ed. Note: ernestowens.com]…I saw Gabe’s page, and I found that there were some fake likes. And I said, “This is weird.”…And I screenshotted! I even posted on their facebook page like, “Yo, you got fake likes!”

Look, I give people the heads up before I do anything, for the most part…

And, it was funny because I came into Penn with an NEC case that I got charged for and got disqualified from the class board, and then to leave graduating out with a NEC case where I’m the person filing the complaint…It’s interesting

how life is a big, huge boomerang.

Street: How do you think people would describe you?

EO: If they’re being fair, they’ll say I’m opinionated, they’ll say I’m attractive—I think everyone who doesn’t like me know I’m cute. Ambitious. I think people say I’m ambitious. I think people will say I’m upfront. I think I’m very upfront.

Street: Now describe yourself in three words.

EO: Charismatic. Resilient. Relevant.

Street: What will you be doing on this day in 10 years?

EO: Probably doing an interview like this for 20/20.

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EGO PRESENTS: WORST OF PENN

Once again, for every pro there’s a con, for every ying there’s a yang and for every best there’s a worst. Ego’s been too nice this semester, but even we need to vent.

SHS

place to SABS

You finally made it to the end of the world that is 35th and Market streets. Maybe you Uber–ed there.

Waiting room, uncomfortable stares in the corridor, “please pee in this cup.” The coast is clear! You’re being admitted to the Doc (nurse practitioner?) without running into your ex, someone in your sorority, your freshman year hallmate (“OMG I haven’t seen you forever!”) or mom’s personal spy: your little brother.

You reach the nearest bathroom, cup awkwardly dangling from your arm at your side, when the door opens toward you. “Oh hey!!!!” Your friend’s roommate smiles at you and eyes the cup. “How are you?” you automatically ask. “Good, you?”

Your puffy eyes say otherwise, you think. “Good...”

VP

exit

After frantically scrambling to print your essay in Van Pelt (after waiting 15 minutes for a computer to open up) nothing adds to the stress of running to class like taking off, unzipping and showing off the contents of your backpack. That split second the guard takes to momentarily glance inside is hardly enough time to scan for a stolen library book—what else are they checking for, anyway? Maybe they should start inspecting students upon entry, and stop people from plopping at carrels with smelly take–out (and eventually, even smellier leftovers). Just a suggestion.

Pod delivery

Freshman or senior, we’ve all been there: home, alone and hungry—the perfect storm that always leads to delivery. But you’ve got to be kidding if you order from Pod. Too good for GrubHub? In the mood to drop mad money on some decent–but–not–mind–blowing sushi? Please, can someone explain to us how and why Penn students regularly opt for fine dining delivery? What happened to broke college kids surviving off of Ramen? Snaps for defying stereotypes?

purchase

Facebook Likes

You thought you were regretting buying those boots right as the weather finally got nice, but at least they didn’t ruin your (albeit fake) political career. If you didn’t religiously follow the House of PennCards that was the UA elections this year, Gabe Delaney, the now disgraced VP of the UA, and his running mate Julie Bittar, broke some NEC rules about spending on printing costs (riveting, we know.) While everyone was yelling about purchased FB likes, they were never actually confirmed, but the Penn–merican Public knows the truth. Have you seen the likes?

It’s all cats and fake models and a couple of Bittar’s uncles. But let’s be real: Joyce, would have won anyway.

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EGO

floor of Pottruck

Physical World

requirement

First

There is physically nothing in this world more obnoxious than Penn’s insistence that all College students take a Physical World course. It’s one thing to want a “liberal arts background”—make the pre–meds take writing classes—but for those not interested in science, these classes will give you NOTHING but stress and pain. The math one can be avoided with Linguistics or Musicology and the Living World has some semi–interesting and/or easy options like PSYC 001, but Physical World is a guaranteed hell. Sure, it has the two–for–ones that also take care of Quantitative Data & Analysis, but that just makes the courses more mathy and more awful. Any boring accrued info is lost upon taking/bombing the final, so its uselessness cannot be overstated. Formulas begone—we should’ve gone to requirement–less Brown, because none of us EVER want to survey a universe like this one.

season

There are not many good things about Pottruck, besides the fact that it’s free. It houses the stuff of nightmares, aka treadmills. If you are going to take on the noble challenge of a workout, avoid this floor where everyone, fellow gym equipment users or smoothie bar lovers alike, is staring at you. Yes, they are noticing that you actually have no idea how to use the equipment or run like a normal human being. There are so many floors where you can privately waste thirty minutes in hell. If you are going to go to Pottruck at all, you are doing yourself a huge disservice if you don’t explore the upper levels.

Walking up and down those steep–ass stairs becomes part of your workout, which means you really only need to spend about seven minutes on the treadmill.

WORST PLACE TO READ STREET:

Spring has sprung (and fling has flung) just in the nick of time. Thanks to the powers that be, the never–ending winter has finally ended. Goodbye slush puddles surrounding the sidewalks, see ya hat hair, peace out shoe– ruining rock salt. The days of slipping down Locust have come and gone; now you can grab your crush’s attention with that cute sundress instead of that not– so–cute fall right onto your butt. The sound of chattering teeth and slushing snow boots has been replaced by chirping birds and unlucky Hill kids bitching about their lack of A/C. Ah, what a sweet sound.

Freud, Moses A N D

TRICK QUESTION THERE'S NO WRONG PLACE TO READ STREET UNLESS IT'S IN FRONT OF YOUR LAWYER

Winter

T H E

HOLOCAUST Noted scholar, Professor Eli Zaretsky (author of Secrets of the Soul: A Social and Cultural History of Psychoanalysis), will guide us through a fascinating part of our past and present in this new lecture series devoted to the cultural, historic, and conceptual interfaces between Jewish and Psychoanalytic thinking.

BZBI’s First Annual Lecture in Jewish Thought and Psychoanalysis Sunday, April 27, 4 PM

OPEN TO ALL • $15 or $5 for students with valid ID 300 S. 18th St., Phila.

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There’s a lot more to learn at www.JewishThoughtandPsychoanalysis.com

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big–ass lecture hall

Irvine

The main lecture hall in Irvine Auditorium, you know...the one where you took PSYC001 at 9 a.m. (when you actually showed up), has over a thousand seats. While we admit the room itself is beautiful, it is definitely not the ideal place to sit through an early morning lecture.

The dim lighting and the cushy seats put you right to sleep at that ungodly hour. Not to mention the lack of desks! Laptop toting students have to type awkwardly on their laps while computers slowly begin to overheat against thighs. If you’re one of those students who prefers to handwrite...good luck with that. I bet your notes will be unintelligible scribbling while your hand falls asleep from the uncomfortable angle in which you have to hold your arm. Lose–lose.

fling attendees

entrance

Huntsman on a Sunday Night On Sunday nights, the line outside Huntsman rivals the one outside Rumor on a Thursday.

Backpack–clad students from all four schools wait impatiently to be personally swiped into everyone’s (least) favorite silent study kingdom. No matter how long the wait, only one lone security guard sits with a hand–held machine, checking PennCards one by one. After minute five of waiting, you realize you know six other people in line. Inevitably someone will try to cut, saying they’re “in a rush”—but we know they just want to secure a study spot first. There has to be a more efficient way to do this.

Liquor Control Enforcement

NSO is all about the ratios: who you know and who you’re with totally determines if you’re getting into a party. But Fling? Fling’s about camaraderie and collective drunken tomfoolery. Or it was, before the LCE descended and forced us to add wristbands and tickets and exclusivity into the mix of our favorite weekend. This campus ain’t big enough for all of us, and the LCE presence even pushed some of our dear flingers into the throes of Camden, New Jersey. Ugh! Even worse, these party poopers send snitches first to snap pictures and and immediately call for backup. In the words of these non–invitees, if you can’t join ‘em, beat ‘em.

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MUSIC

ALBUM REVIEWS

“BUILT ON GLASS” CHET FAKER

“Z” SZA At the top of the year, red–hot hip–hop label Top Dawg Entertainment boasted that it was going to release six albums in 2014. Not even through April, the third of the six albums is out: rookie singer SZA’s “Z.” SZA is an eccentric new–wave female R&B artist, fairly similar in style to the frequent TDE–collaborator Jhene Aiko. On “Z,” guest appearances from Chance the Rapper (“Child’s Play”) & Kendrick Lamar (“Babylon”) satisfy, and her chemistry with fellow TDE rookie Isaiah Rashad steals the show on “Warm Winds.” The album is at its best when it breaks out of its own post–Drake three–minor–chord progression monotony on songs like “Sweet November” and “Julia.” The project may not blow everyone away, but it’s a satisfying listen nonetheless.

Though not new to the game, Chet Faker drops his debut album this month, with the smooth single “Talk is Cheap” already released in February. He comes in the game rejuvenated—giving up slightly on the R&B used in his “No Diggity” cover compared to his work in “Thinking with Textures” or with “Flume” in the past.

He keeps a chronological order to his songs, touching upon relationship, geographical, emotional and lyrical matters. “Melt” transcends the beautiful voice of Kilo Kish, perfectly adding timbre and levity. The soultronic crooner combines a calming intensity and definitive cohesion of blues, funky jazz and indie house beats with some groove and spirituals on “No Advice.” This work moves away from his "No Diggity" cover, from his work with Flume. This is Chet's "hello."

DIANE BAYEUX

MARK PARASKEVAS

Grade: B+ Download: “Babylon” Sounds best when: Vibing out while trying to beat your week–long flingover

Saigon Cuisine TNJ

4000 Chestnut Street Philadelphia, PA 19104 215-222-9777 215-222-9778

BYOB

“IT’S ALBUM TIME” TODD TERJE

Whether you love or hate the snark of its title, Norwegian producer Todd Terje’s (Terje Olsen) debut LP “It’s Album Time” is excellent. It’s smart, exceptionally well–done electronic music that falls somewhere in the vicinity of the disco genre. It’s highly danceable, but the obvious adroitness of its production is such that it’s engaging in a more sober listening as well. Olsen’s prior MO of remixes and singles shows through a bit—the songs tend to blend together—but with a sound that works so well, it’s hard to begrudge him taking full advantage of it.

CHARLES DAVIS

Grade: ADownload: “Inspector Norse” Sounds best when: Getting weird at your friend’s basement party

Grade: B+ Download: “Melt” Sounds best when: Lying in Penn Park before the sunset

99 bottles of beer on the wall? that’s nothing.

Springfield Beer Distributor 22nd and Washington ave

(215) 546-7301

WE DELIVER! A P R I L 17 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

9

YEAR FLASHBACK:

MUSIC

Whether it’s because they’re the lyrics of a virtuoso or because you can’t get them out of your head, we all know the words.

LUCY HOVANISYAN & ARIELA OSUNA

“#SELFIE” THE CHAINSMOKERS

“It’s not even summer, why does the DJ keep on playing ‘Summertime Sadness’?”

“DRUNK IN LOVE” BEYONCE “Then I fill the tub up halfway then ride it with my surfboard(t)”

“BOUND 2” KANYE WEST

“Close your eyes and let the word paint a thousand pictures.

One good girl is worth a thousand bitches.”

Like wearing UGG boots with booty shorts, it’s a trend that's here to stay. All throughout autumn and winter, Lana Del Rey took over radios, downtowns and Smokes’ alike, and The Chainsmokers, ever au courant, give the jam a sardonic nod.

Thank you, Beyonce, for ensuring that every time a word ends in “–oard,” it will automatically become “surfboardt.”

You tell ‘em, Kanye.

Now that you’ve found Kim, you seem to have finally found something worth valuing.

“HOLD ON, WE’RE GOING HOME” DRAKE “I want your high love and emotion endlessly.

I can’t get over you.

You left your mark on me”

“TEAR YOU DOWN” RAC FEAT. ALEX EBERT

When lyrics are made graphic, the culprit can only be RAC. Thus we listen to this song every time our bleeding emotions feel like wounds.

“I’m bleeding from the wounds From cutting to the chase From beating round the bush Then burns when we embrace”

“TALKING BACKWARDS” REAL ESTATE

“And I might as well be talking backwards Am I making any sense to you And the only thing that really matters Is the one thing I can’t seem to do”

If we’ve learned one thing besides the fact that Drake is soft, it is that he is learning to respect women.

Learning.

Real Estate speaks to our inner hearts’ desires at achieving clear communication. Unfortunately, it's not always possible and that is just why these lyrics hit home.

In the spirit of transparency, we should mention that we at Street secretly love "Timber" as much as you.

No Pitbulls were harmed in the making of this list.

37 N.Third Street · Philadelphia, PA 19106 · 267-671-0737 vagabondboutique.com

1 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 17 , 2 01 4

MUSIC

“THE MOSS” COSMO SHELDRAKE

“But have you heard the story of ‘The Rabbit in the Moon’ Or the ‘Cow That Hopped the Planets’ while straddling a spoon Or she, who leapt up mountains, while whistling up a tune And swapped her songs with swallows while ‘Riding on a Broom’” “Aesop’s Fables” or Cosmo Sheldrake?

We won’t be singing along to this in the club, but we might pass it on to our younger siblings to recite at their next storytelling competition.

“COFFEE” SYLVAN ESSO

“Wild winter, warm coffee Mind’s gone, do you love me?

Blazing summer, cold coffee Baby’s gone, do you love me?”

Sounds like the background music to a Starbucks ad. Sorry, Sylvan Esso. Some people like hot coffee all year ‘round.

“LITTLE FANG” AVEY TARE’S SLASHER FLICKS Hey Mrs. creepy head Hey Mr. fuzzy face Go mash your teeth again You’re in the right place

What are you doing here and who are you talking to?

“TIMBER” KE$HA FEAT. PITBULL “It’s going down I’m yelling timber you better move you better dance”

Is it really an obvious fact that while getting down on the dancefloor we should feel like lumberjacks axing trees? Before you have us humming this for the next week, Ke$ha, maybe save us the embarrassment and put together a lyrical narrative both enriching and rhetorically sound. Christ.

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BEST OF PENN

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BEST OF PENN

N N E P OF

We’re not going to lie, Penn can seem pretty average at times. You know, when you wake up late on a Tuesday morning and the lines at HubBub are too long so you get some shitty coffee at Wawa only to make it in late to your 10 a.m. class. Or that moment before your last pregame shot when you realize you would rather just get back into bed than suffer through another downtown. Yeah, Penn can feel pretty average. Enter 34th Street. We’re here to bring our favorite parts of Penn to Penn’s best and brightest. Below you’ll find life hacks, condiments, tips, tricks, drinks and outlets that will turn your time at Penn from meh to as fabulous as Miss Lisa Lisa herself. Welcome to Best of Penn.

Sex Things SHS is like a Sexual Health Mecca. They have everything from STD testing to birth control to Plan B. Yeah, you could go to CVS and steal some condoms and a pregnancy test like some kind of Midwestern teenager, but this is Penn—just make your mom pay for your pregnancy scare (you’re less likely to get arrested, too). The most amazing thing about all this is that it won't say "chlamydia testing" on your bill, it will just say "SHS fee." You can tell your parents you had a sinus infection and needed to get some Mucinex. Getting tested/checking on your sexual health is super important (read a pamphlet some time) but getting it anonymously without leaving campus? That's priceless.

bursar

Address: 3535 Market St. We recommend: Using protection

gay bar

Bob & Barbara’s Thursdays

The best thing about Bob & Barbara’s is that it’s not a gay bar. But for one glorious night a week—smokey eyes, cherry lips, stilettos on— lights up on a half dozen of the most glamorous drag queens you’ve ever seen. Instead of the typical “remix–of–pop–diva–hits–and–guys– in–mesh–tanks” scene you find at other gay bars, Bob & Barbara’s will thrill, chill and fulfill you with unique artistry and costumes, vibrant lip syncs and six–foot–tall people in wigs yelling at you to give them money. Hosted by Miss Lisa Lisa, the girl so nice they named her twice, the Thursday night drag show offers a more laid back alternative to your typical gay bar, but with just as much glitter.

But it’s not just the drag queens that make Bob & Barbara’s the best gay bar, it’s the history surrounding it. Open since 1969, fewer bars in Philly are as well–known or as versatile (pun intended) as B&B. Home of the Citywide Special (a can of PBR and a shot of Jim Beam for $3), which you can now get in almost any bar in Philadelphia, Bob & Barbara’s has surely left its mark as the best in Philly. Let the music play on.

Address: 1509 South St. We recommend: Doing three Citywides before midnight

place to masturbate

Addams Hand Gate

We at Street firmly believe that the antidote to finals stress is some good, old– fashioned fisting. Fear not, young Quakers and Quakettes. You, too, can squeeze in some QT during your twenty minute break before recitation at the Kelly Family Gate outside of the Charles Addams Fine Arts Hall. Completely made up of metal hands, the gate is there to please and serve.

When you need a helping hand—or just a finger—these detached limbs are happy to

acquiesce to your every request. Forego the jungle juice and “flirting” and forget your safe word. We prefer getting fucked to the sound of cold, stony silence. If you’re nervous or not so good at climbing, give Street a call. We love nothing more than a bit of community service. Or you can meet us in one of the Huntsman bathrooms. We’ll be on the other side of that hole in the wall. ;) Address: 200 S. 36th St. We recommend: Fisting yourself A P R I L 17 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 3

BEST OF PENN

BEST OF PENN

ARCH 208

big-ass lecture hall Address: 3601 Locust Walk We recommend: Arriving to class on time

cookie

You’ve heard (and probably bragged about) the Penn/Hogwarts comparisons.

You’ve undoubtedly Instagrammed College Hall, Fisher Fine Arts or the Quad at least once. ARCH 208 brings the wonders of architectural detail and dark wood

Magic Carpet

Banana chocolate chip, peanut butter, chocolate–coconut. Are your taste buds watering yet?

No, these aren’t just your run of the mill Insomnia cookies; they’re little, round bites of heaven from everyone’s favorite vegetarian food truck. They might not leave behind those ubiquitous circular grease marks like their Insomnia brethren, but they’re just as scrumptious and probably much less likely to clog your arteries. Magic Carpet has the best cookies ($1 each) to offer for anyone craving a little something something with their lunch.

The flavors change daily, with a seemingly endless array of combinations.

Made with oats and exotic “healthy” ingredients, you can even pretend that the cookie is good for you and grab a second. So next time you’re in line for some vegetarian chili or falafel, make sure to add a cookie to that purchase.

Addresses: Food trucks on 36th and Spruce and 34th and Walnut We recommend: Treating yo' self

paneling to the classroom. Finally a room that avoids the claustrophobic “classrooms” found everywhere from Goddard Labs to DRL. With mega–high ceilings and elaborate windows, the multi–purpose auditorium is a bright and exciting

place to get down

space to zone out on your laptop. The two raised platforms (stages?) and giant flat–screens serve somewhat questionable purposes, but still create opportunity for some pretty creative and interactive class presentations.

Club Pulse

Who doesn’t sigh “ugh” when they see another invite to a downtown at Rumor or Recess? We all want a place to get down and dirty that isn’t the usual downtown venues or Smokey Joe’s.

Lock the doors, lower the blinds, fire up the smoke machine and put on your heels, because we are about to get rowdy at Club Pulse. Self–advertised as “Philadelphia’s premier hot spot,” Pulse Night Club promises to always be a good time, complete with floor–to–ceiling mirrors, a chaotically cosy dancefloor and super cheap drinks.

This Center City gem offers a variety of retro DJ mixes and even art laser effects. You are allowed to smoke inside, and the bar is scattered with ashtrays. The small venue allows you to truly express yourself with a quick pop, lock and drop it with a gaggle of friends, until it closes at 3:30 a.m. This oasis is the perfect place for nights we won’t remember, but will never forget. Just ask the THEOS bros who had a formal there.

daily deal

Finally, a daily deal to reward our unhealthy habits and excessive rates of consumption. With an interior that resembles the bastard child of the Magic School Bus and an Amtrak Cafe Car, Mark’s Cafe is like a buzzing fluorescent carrel light in the Van Pelt darkness. The coffee, sushi and sandwiches will fuel you like an infomercial diet. However, to compete with the neighboring cafes like Taco Bell and CVS, Mark’s Cafe offers coffee punch cards—buy eight hot medium coffees and get one small coffee free. The benefits of using your Mark’s Cafe punch card include: bonding with the cafe employees, caffination, peering out the largish Mark’s Cafe windows. This daily deal also offers a reward for using dining dollars/ bursar, incentivizing mediocrity and Bon Apetit.

With competitive hours, 8:30 a.m.—2 a.m. on weekdays, your free 2 a.m. coffee will definitely be worth it. Wake up tomorrow and do it again.

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remaining D–Dollars. During lunchtime the space is cramped and the food runs out quickly, meaning you will have plenty of time to pursue that MRS degree with other patrons confused about why they had to transition the fryer oil at one p.m. According to one 2012 Yelp–reviewer, "no one here seems to openly hate the gay population like the higher ups of this company. But who knows!" Who. Knows.

The best news? Chick–fil–A now participates in Penn's On–Campus Recruiting. Get those resumes ready, lovebirds. Nothing says sexy like the power that comes from a red polo behind the counter.

Address: 3351 Race St. We recommend: Chik’n

Bootleg poetry is better than bootleg liquor. And since we're no longer living under Prohibition (hard to believe considering our recent insurgence of undercover cops), modern day Gatsbys are more likely to be found nursing their heartache in a certain Kelly Writers House, home of angsty singer–songwriters and wannabe beatniks since 1997.

While traditional speakeasies of the Franklin Mortgage variety often involve expensive–ass drinks made with unpronounceable ingredients, Speakeasy at the Kelly Writers House is free. Plus, this open mic night contains a bevy of fun raffle prizes, banjo–strumming cuties and enough creative energy to boot you out of that pre–professional lull (beating ceaselessly against the current of your soul, or whatever).

Address: 3805 Locust Walk We recommend: Leaving your judgment at the door

bagel

Chik–fil–A Unless You’re Gay Located at 34th and Race St. inside of the ever– bustling Northside Dining Terrace, Drexel's Chick–fil–A is a hub for fried–food lovers and homophobes alike. If you are heterosexual and have no regard for your health, this is the place for you. This 2.5–Yelp–star establishment is dishing up classics like the "Chicken Sandwich" ($3.25), "Chick–n–Strips" ($3.65 for three), "Chick–fil–A Nuggets" ($3.25 for eight), "Chargrilled Chicken Sandwich" ($4.75) and "Waffle Fries" ($1.45). An express location, Drexel's Chick– fil–A offers long wait times, limited selection and the creme–de–la–creme of Dragons tryna use up those

speakeasy

place to be high

Woodland Cemetery Address: 4000 Woodland Ave. We recommend: Purple haze, not dying

Kelly Writers House

Address: 3420 Walnut St., basement of Van Pelt We recommend: Sushi with your coffee

Address: 1526 Sansom St. We recommend: BYO glow sticks

place to meet hot drexel students

Eight Mark's Cafe Coffees in One Day

The best place to go this Saturday isn’t the Bio pond or your big big’s friend’s aunt’s dog’s backyard, or even that funky food court next to CVS—it’s the cemetery.

For some reason this serene grassy expanse is pretty low on Penn’s radar—possibly because under that cushy turf lie a bunch of decaying corpses—but when you’re floating on fragrant fumes and contemplating the transience of life, there’s no better place to zone out than leaning against a mossy head-

stone, six feet above someone who’s already been through it all. Maybe you’ll be stricken with a philosophical epiphany about the eternal cycle between earthly and spiritual existence, or maybe you’ll just get really paranoid and wonder how soon you’ll be joining your new inanimate buddies. Either way, the Woodlands Cemetery is worth a visit the next time you’re in the mood for an herbal hit.

Go To New York

Considering the number of Jews who go to Penn, it’s honestly an outrage that there isn’t a single decent bagel place near campus.

That’s why we suggest you haul ass to the city (the real city) if you’re craving a good old fashioned bread donut. New York bagels are boiled before being baked, while imposter products take the easier and cheaper way out by steaming the dough. (What, you think we couldn’t tell?) The ticket to get to NYC might be a little pricy, but your stomach will thank you. Get it toasted, loaded up with fish and

dairy products, flat, scooped out, rainbow or salted. You can have whatever you like. If you can't find it at Tal, H&H or Ess–a–bagel, you certainly won't be able to find it in the back of a truck or next to Houston Market.

You would think that in a city that shares its name with the leading cream cheese brand, a good bagel wouldn’t be so goddamn hard to find. But it’s time to face the facts: no bagel sold in Philly is worth any of your precious time, money or daily caloric allowance.

Addresses: 2446 Broadway, New York (Tal), 1551 2nd Ave, New York (H&H), 831 3rd Ave, New York (Ess–a–Bagel) We recommend: Bagels, all of them A P R I L 17 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 5

BEST OF PENN

lil' snack

Tinder

Lil' Pop Shop

Fried Oreos are so last year.

The best snack for sale at the Quad Fling carnival this year was no doubt Lil' Pop Shop popsicles. Perfect for cooling off and curing those sugar drunchies, their popsicles are available year round on 44th between Locust and Spruce, just a short walk from campus.

Plus, this sweet snack won't weigh on your conscience or wallet: Lil' Pop Shop uses only natural and local ingredients, and for $3 (including tax), a popsicle saves you the hassle of the accidental $8 froyo. Sure,

Between chose in 2006) and mutual friends. You can tell classes, on more about a person on Tinder than by watchthe toi- ing them walk by on the street. If it’s not a match, let, late at move on and keep tindering, there are hundreds night—these are the perfect times to virtually see familiar and unfamiliar faces to consider. If it is a and be seen on tinder. It’s the quickest and easi- match, maybe you’ll make some awkward small est way to scan through the best and worst that talk (recommended icebreaker: so, do you like Philadelphia has to offer. All you need to do is cheese?), maybe you’ll avoid eye contact for the pause, judge and swipe left or right. If more scru- rest of your Penn life or maybe you’ll meet the love tiny is needed to make your decision you can scroll of you life and lie to everyone about how you met through the three or four pictures displayed, ex- (just tell them it was love at first sight and then amine your shared interests (which you probably change the conversation).

Address: Your phone, everywhere.

We recommend: Swiping left

place to SABS

they've got exciting cutting– edge flavors like "green tea with mochi" and "beets with creme fraiche and black sesame," but they also have classics like raspberry lemonade and mint chocolate chunk for the less adventurous. As summer rapidly approaches, a popsicle from Lil’ Pop Shop is the best, fresh treat to satisfy both your sweet and savory cravings on a hot (or even cold) day.

The Taco Bell Sauce Suite

Address: 265 S. 44th St. We recommend: A burrito at Honest Tom’s beforehand

I N K .THE ..

sauce

It’s easy to miss these little beauties on your way out of the monstrosity miracle that is the Moravian Food Court’s Taco Bell/A&W hybrid. If the Fling–apparel–neon packaging doesn’t catch your eye, perhaps the snarky sayings on the package will.

Mild, Hot, Fire and Verde—nothing quite goes with a sodium–filled calorie bomb (see: Doritos Locos Tacos) like a squirt from one of these

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e h h t l l a s What’What’s all t eee h thhee h h t l t t l l a l t l l a a a l ’s l a ’s t W Whhhaaattt’s’s W W Whhaat’s Address: 3401 Walnut St. We recommend: Crunchwrap Supreme at three a.m. with fire sauce

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pouches of joy. Choose your level of heat, or go with Verde if you’re feeling adventurous, and let the master chefs at TBell take your taste buds on a tantalizing flavor safari (that’s a thing, right?).

The best part? You can stockpile these babies, and the kind but inattentive workers behind the counter make it all too easy to snatch them by the handful. “Where have you been all my life?” is the saying on one particular packet of Mild sauce; we were wondering the exact same thing.

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BEST OF PENN

Pottruck

Though it might surprise you, there’s more to Pottruck than furiously stair–stepping sorostitutes and enormous men shouting in ecstasy as heavy things are lifted up then put back down again.

Despite the humidity and noise levels, the strong Wi–Fi and rich pickings of unused outlets also make Pottruck a supportive environment for the stressed student looking to charge his computer while working out and working to complete his next assignment. One area in particular stands out: the second floor basketball courts. The mix of out of shape middle aged men, we–got–to–states–in–high–school– but–I’m–too–academically–focused–to–play– college–ball frat stars and actual athletes insures that your courtside study spot will be filled with errant air balls, missed passes and the occasional bro tumbling backwards from what was “totally a foul!” While common sense might dictate that these are reasons to not study there, common sense is actually a filthy liar. As any surgeon will tell you, nothing focuses the mind like fear, and there’s nothing better to get the heart rate up than basketballs whizzing past your head and (more importantly) your $3,000 computer. But be careful­—it’s wicked hard to balance a laptop on a fear–boner.

European Wax Center

wax

place to plug-in

In the heart of Rittenhouse Square, European Wax Center takes the cake for best wax. A bikini wax ($33) is a challenging and intricate task; not just anybody can do it. At European Wax Center, you’ll find cleanliness, superb service and anonymity to boot. Since the aestheticians here use hard wax rather than waxing strips, this method is ideal for those with sensitive skin, and far less painful. Unlike spa locations on campus (I’m looking at you, Adolf Biecker), European

Wax Center has the added bonus of privacy. There’s never a need to worry about someone overhearing Round Up worthy stories from the previous weekend. With your PennCard, you can purchase the Student Wax Pass and receive a fourth waxing service for free with the purchase of three full–priced waxing services. Even better: first–time guests get a wax for free.

Address: 35 S. 18th St. We recommend: Full body wax; go big or go home

FANCY A FREE WAX? FOR FIRST-TIME GUESTS

Address: 3701 Walnut St. We recommend: Protein shake with your fear–boner

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3931 Walnut Street Philadelphia, PA 215-222-5300 | www.hummusrestaurant.com

waxcenter.com

PHILADELPHIA RITTENHOUSE 215 561 1250 35 South 18th Street

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BEST OF PENN

Campus gets new additions all the time. Some are disappointing (looking at you, Frontera), some are sexy (sup, HubBub brothers?) and some have yet to prove their mettle (bring it on, Class of 2018). Few are as special as Top Chef winner Kevin Sbraga’s latest culinary venture, The Fat Ham, located a short trot east from your class at DRL. Serving up down–home southern small plates—grits that would make Paula Deen’s chins shudder in envy, catfish so tender you’ll want to shake the fin of the little guy who gave his life for your appetizer—with a side of the largest whiskey selection in Philly, The Fat Ham is a diamond in the generally rough culinary desert we call home. It’s an ideal date night spot for those looking to semi–splurge (all the small plates add up), and calling ahead makes it the perfect early evening snack to bring back to VP. The atmosphere is refined but welcoming, the wait staff nice and knowledgeable and the fried “hot chicken” walks a fine line between being too damn searing to even smell and being so damn good you want to lick the bones. Stop by for good eats and maybe a glimpse of the Top Chef champ himself—sorry boos, he’s married.

Address: 3131 Walnut St. We recommend: Bringing a worthy date

Philadelphia is too damn full of good restaurants for the same five Italian BYOs to dominate the off–campus date scene.

Far sexier than an overpriced bowl of pasta is a meal at Kanella. Whether for dinner or brunch, this Cypriot kitchen offers a Mediterranean menu that will temporarily distract you from what base you’re getting to after this.

Not only is it a BYO, but it also offers options for carnivores, vegetarians and gluten–free peeps. For brunch, start your day with the Kanella platter ($12), a smorgasbord of salads, falafels and dips and a French press of coffee (bonus: you won’t have to ask for refills). There’s orange juice available as a mixer, but the better bet is lemonnana ($3), the Mediterranean answer to an Arnold Palmer that mixes fresh lemonade and mint tea. Vodka doesn’t make it worse. On the dinner side of things, the manti ($10), ground lamb dumplings with paprika yogurt sauce, are great to share. End your evening on a sweet note with the fig and almond tart with homemade ice cream ($8).

It’s not stale tiramisu, it’s way better. If you’re celebrating a big anniversary, consider signing up for the Sunday night family style Chef’s dinner. The menu changes every week but there will be mezze and memories made.

BYO

Address: 1001 Spruce St.

We recommend: Kanella platter, Lemonnana, Fig and almond tart

Axis Pizza delivery Address: 20 S. 36th St. We recommend: Going to bed

As is a well–acknowledged fact of life, the most important thing in a late–night hook–up is not quality but availability. Admittedly, with its basement location next to the Sheraton and its mystery cheese pizza toppings, no one envisions their night ending with Axis. But are Allegro Pizza or Hip City or Pod picking up your call at three a.m. when all you have in your fridge is Bankers and an egg? Face it, they’re probably banging someone else. Axis is sitting around waiting for your call, ready and willing to fulfil your desires: fries, baked ziti and cheese that slides off the pizza to make geometric shapes in the corner of the box.

THE

ER

new addition

Kanella

S

EC O

EN T

The Fat Ham

ND MILE C

TH RIFT STORE

Clothing, appliances, books, furniture, household items, and more!

Monday–Saturday 10AM–8PM

214 South 45th Street (Between Locust & Walnut) 215.662.1663

To donate, call 215.662.1663

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FILM & TV

BEST OF PENN: TV REFERENCES EDITION

Hollywood, scared that the masses might not get the joke otherwise, generally sticks to plot lines about attending Harvard, Yale, and Princeton to suggest that a character is smart. Below are some instances where a Penn (okay OR a Wharton) reference trampled that trope.

PENN NAME DROPS

PENN CHARACTERS

2 Broke Girls Beth Behrs’ character, Caroline Channing, is a trust fund baby Wharton grad whose Daddy gets caught for a Madoff–esque Ponzi scheme and is left penniless. With only intern experience at places like Conde Nast, she needs the help of been–broke–all–her–life girl Max (played by Kat Dennings) to learn how to live like the other 99%—paycheck to paycheck.

This Wharton nod is likely only due to show creator Whitney Cummings’ Penn degree, but we’ll take it anyway.

Watch it: Netflix DVD + recent episodes on Xfinity.

American Dreams This critically–acclaimed but shortlived NBC drama aired from 2002–2005 and took place in dear old 1960s Philadelphia. The Philly locale coupled with the numerous young adult characters (including an up–and–coming Brittany Snow) means that Penn was basically a minor character on the show. Every other main character’s boyfriend or girlfriend was either a cheating Quaker or a too–earnest Quaker. In all, four characters throughout the show study at Penn, and a regular hangout called “The Lair” from seasons two and three is supposedly on our campus as well.

Watch it: Netflix DVD Queer As Folk “Queer” chronicles the lives of a Pittsburg clique of gay friends, including protagonist Ted Schmidt, who starts out as an accountant with an MBA from Wharton. He then transitions to a porn site mogul after being fired for watching some XXX at work, and eventually devolves into a recovering sex party and crystal meth addict. Moral of the story: A Wharton degree doesn’t give you much of a bonus.

Watch it: Netflix

Suits Season 3 Episode 4 “Conflict of Interest” There was a mild Penn Twitterverse explosion this summer when “Suits” character and esteemed Pearson & Darby lawyer Louis Litt got schooled by an investment banker. In attempts to outsmart an oil company, Louis finds himself face to face with an investment banker who tells him: “You think you’re the first lawyer to try to outsmart us? We’re not lawyers, we’re investment bankers, we call you for the paper work. We didn’t go to Harvard, we went to Wharton, and we saw you coming a mile away.”

Watch it: Xfinity TV Pretty Little Liars Season 4 Episode 2 “Birds of a Feather” Pretty Little Liar Spencer Hastings gets rejected from Penn, the school that everyone else in her family, including her betchy sister Melissa, attended. This sends Spencer down a crazy spiral, but I mean hey that’s some pretty good publicity. Penn too good for a pretty little liar? Not bad for the resume, not bad at all.

Watch it: Netflix + recent episodes on Hulu.

The Office Season 5 Episode 6 “Employee Transfer” Dwight Schrute, in an effort to engage in his favorite activity of enraging Andy Bernard, decides to become a huge fan of Andy’s alma mater, Cornell. He comes to work donning a Cornell crewneck and a Cornell mug claiming that he is going to apply to Cornell. As part of the ruse, he casually says to Andy in the break room “So how do you think we’re gonna do against Penn this year?”

Andy responds with further anger about Dwight’s joke, and Quakers everywhere thought to themselves “I always forget we have a football team.”

Watch it: Netflix CASSANDRA KYRIAZIS

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215-386-2929 A P R I L 17 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 9

FILM & TV

BEST OF PHILLY:

MOVIE THEATER EDITION

Sometimes the Rave doesn’t have every movie your cinematic appetite craves (pun intended), so we’ve made a simple guide to Philly’s most accessible theaters with suggestions for which indie installments you can go see right now. Point is, the Ritz rules.

The Rave @ University City Located: The corner of 40th & Walnut, you know the drill.

Deal: $5/Thursdays, plus it takes about one minute to walk there every day of the week.

Catch: Blockbusters like “Noah,” “Captain America: Winter Soldier,” and “Rio 2.”

Ritz @ the Bourse Located: 4th & Ranstead inside The Bourse (hence the name) Deal: $7/Wednesday, $7.75 for students (except Saturdays) Catch: Shia LaBeouf in “Nymphomaniac” (that one with the gratuitous sex scenes) + the most recent Nic Cage film “Joe” Transit: Market–Frankford Line --> 5th & Market

Ritz 5 Located: 2nd & Walnut Deal: $7/Wednesdays, $7.75 for the first showing of a movie Fri/Sat/Sun Catch: “The Grand Budapest Hotel” (no matter how Wes Anderson-y it is, you know you still want to) Transit: Market–Frankford Line --> 2nd & Market Ritz East Located: 2nd between Chestnut & Walnut Deal: $7/Wednesdays, $7.75 for students (except Saturdays) Catch: “Dom Hemingway” (Jude Law plays an electric safecracker fresh out of prison) Transit: Market–Frankford Line --> 2nd & Market

C O C K TA I L S & C R Ê P E S

N AU GH TY&DEL I C I O U S

E X T RE M E LY CO O L CABARET HOURS TUES.–THURS. 7:30–1AM FRI. & SAT. 7:00–2AM SUN. 7:30–1AM

2 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 17 , 2 01 4

AND TOTALLY HOT CREPERIE HOURS TUES.–FRI. NOON–11PM SAT. 10AM–11PM SUN. 10AM–10PM

BEST OF ONLINE STREAMING Choosing a streaming TV service is kind of like choosing a dessert. It’s full of regret and if you could afford it, you would eat all of them.

XFinity TV: Do your parents have Comcast cable at home? Do they have XFinity?

Do you have that elusive home email address that's written on a sticky somewhere in your mom's den? Congratulations, you’ve got access to everything your parents do on their TVs, including HBO if they have it. Which means you don’t have to hunt for HBO GO passwords.

Price: who cares your parents are already paying/month Hulu Plus: Hulu’s got exclusive contracts with The CW, ABC and Fox to air their episodes next day when you typically have to wait eight days on any other streaming source. They also feature a nifty old movie collection and a slew of cool Hulu original series like the criminally underrated British superhero drama “Misfits.”

Price: $7.99/month Netflix Streaming: You know the deal.

Watch whatever Netflix has a contract to let you watch; they’ve got everything from straight–to–DVD C movies about British girls working for rich families at their ski lodge (sup “Chalet Girl”) to Woody Allen’s “Manhattan.” Plus they just added “Mean Girls” and all eight seasons of “House.”

Yeah you read that right, “Mean Girls.”

Sign up now before OITNB comes back.

Price: $7.99/month for streaming.

Penn Video Network: This shit is FREE if you’re connected to wifi via the ever reliable AirPennNet. The cycle of movies is always changing, but you can usually find recent hits like “The Best Man Holiday” and “White House Down,” plus oldies like “Midnight Cowboy.” You can also usually find the documentaries from Litty Paxton’s COMM 123 class if you’re looking for something beyond Netflix’s “Blackfish.”

Price: Free...if you pay tuition.

CASSANDRA KYRIAZIS

FOOD

Green Juice ($5–7) ABIGAIL KOFFLER

Four Seasons Juice Bar Reading Terminal Market 51 N. 12th St. (215) 925–4448

IN PHILLY Breakfast Burrito $8.50 NICOLE MALICK

Cafe Lift 428 N. 13th St. (215) 922–3031

I WANNA SCREAM AND SHOUT AND LET IT ALL OUT SUBMIT SHOUTOUTS AT 34ST.COM READ THEM IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

This magazine and others have featured the goodies of Reading Terminal Market on multiple occasions: the donuts made by the amish, the ice cream at Bassetts, the roast pork sandwiches.

While I don’t aim to deter you from these offerings, my favorite item there is the juice. Ignore the suggestions on the board and order a juice at Four with kale, ginger, cucumber and a pineapple base and get excited. Pineapple remains an underutilized fruit and it lends a tropical flavor to this juice that is far more interesting than typical apple undertones. Cucumber and ginger add refreshment and some zing. I tried this blend one hungover Saturday when my grandparents were in town. My grandpa took a sip between bites of his Bassetts cone. I don’t want to speak on his behalf, but from the look on his face he may be altering his order next time he’s in town. Bam, the power of green juice.

The Cafe Lift breakfast burrito is a work of brunch art. The all day brunch spot at 428 N. 13th St. is a slight walk from the nearest SEPTA station (13th Street off of the MFL), but the friendly service and charming renovated loft–style atmosphere make the impeccable food that much more worth it. The burrito itself is plated with a healthy portion of crispy home fries, sour cream and a homemade salsa that packs quite a kick. Don’t even try to tackle this baby with your hands—Lift provides a sharp knife so each bite of eggs, roasted peppers, mushrooms, onions and jack cheese (packed tightly in a flour tortilla) can be savored without the whole thing falling apart.

RISTORANTE

+

=

Tre Scalini CUCINA MOLISANA BYOB! FOR RESERVATIONS:

Korean and Japanese Food Truck

Open Monday-Friday 11:00am-7:30pm 38th St. between Walnut and Sansom

(215)551-3870 1915 E. PASSYUNK AVE. PHILADELPHIA, PA 19148 WWW.TRESCALINIPHILADELPHIA.COM

TUES-SAT: 5PM-10PM SUNDAY: 4PM-9PM CLOSED MONDAYS

“An example of the most traditional Italian fare, a place where food is the focus and is enjoyed in a delightful setting surrounded by family traditions.”

A P R I L 17 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 1

FOOD

LeBron James cupcake $3.00

Baked pecorino with almond honey $10.00

Jimmie’s Cupcake Truck (215) 699–9090 @jimmiescupcakes

BYRNE FAHEY

CHLOE BOWER

Each cake at Jimmie’s Cupcake Truck is named after a famous James—there’s the James Dean, the James Bond, the Jesse James, the Jimmy Neutron. The best, however, is the LeBron James: soft vanilla cake with tart lemon glaze and raspberry buttercream. The cake is moist with flecks of vanilla bean. The citrusy glaze contrasts beautifully with creaminess of the icing and, unlike many glazes, doesn’t make the cupcake too sticky or soft. The buttercream is subtly flavored and tinted a refreshing shade of pink. The most satisfying part of this cupcake, however, is the frosting–to– cake ratio. Whether you try the two bite mini–cupcake, or commit fully with the regular size, each mouthful will have an ideal ratio of cake and buttercream—no need to fret about choking on those last bites of naked, dry cake.

Bolognese Sandwich $8.50 ALEX LEVY

Paesano’s 1017 S. 9th St. (215) 440–0371 and 152 W. Girard Ave. (267) 886–9556

It is common knowledge that Philly is home to America’s best sandwich, but what most people don’t know is that this sandwich can be found just a few blocks away from Pat’s and Geno’s. While it can be difficult to find time to trek to the Italian Market, the bolognese sandwich at Paesano’s makes it worthwhile. Fried lasagna bolognese, smoked mozzarella and a fried egg sit atop a crusty roll and come together to make an irresistible trifecta. Next time you go to the Italian Market, make sure to save room for this life–changing sandwich.

Garuda Food Truck Mediterranean & Malaysian Cuisine

We serve halal meat!

33rd & Arch St. Open 11am - 5pm UPenn Drexel University Contact Info: (267) 761-7418 (267) 761-7419 garudafoodtruck@yahoo.com

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Amis Trattoria 412 S. 13th St. (215) 732–2647

Regular Pie with Spinach and Whole Tomatoes

$19

ALLISON BART

The baked pecorino with almond honey at Amis Trattoria performs some kind of magic. It melts once—in its perfect little round ceramic dish before it lands on your table—and then it melts again, on your tongue and seemingly right into your taste buds as you take your first bite. The cheese is gooey but not chewy. It is sharp, it is buttery, it is nutty and then— boom—the sweetness of the honey takes over and you just want to melt right into the chair yourself. A baked pecorino patron on the hardwood floor. Amis is not “cheap eats” but at around $8–12 per small plate, you can get away with a gourmet Marc Vetri meal without totally breaking the bank.

And if you needed any more convincing, many of the dishes (including the pecorino) are served with slices of perfectly grilled focaccia bread. And who doesn’t like grilled bread with their bowl of melted cheese?

Tacconelli’s Pizzeria 2604 E. Somerset St. Philadelphia, PA 19134 (215) 425–4983 BYO wine and beer, cash only

Getting a seat—and even more miraculous, a pizza— at Taccconelli’s is somewhat of a VIP experience.

The only way you can get a taste of its mouthwatering brick–oven slices is by ordering your dough in advance. So, for the most part, no dough reservation, no pizza. What’s more, only one person makes pizza in the pizzeria’s one oven, so prepare for a leisurely experience. Once you reserve your soon–to–be pie and make the trek to Port Richmond, though, get ready for the best garlicky, vegetable–topped, perfect sauce–to–cheese ratio pizza this city has to offer.

ARTS

T HE BEST ARTSY DATES IN PHILLY

It’s hard to make that perfect first impression on your date. After all, people just don’t understand you at the best of times, so what hope do you have in this one–evening social construct? Never fear, Street has you covered. To help you come off as cultured (even if you aren’t), here’s a list of some of our best artsy date ideas:

Student Rush at the Kimmel Center: Want to play up your musical side on a budget? You can take your date to a concert for only $20 when you buy tickets through Student Rush (kimmelcenter.org/stix). They’ll be the worst seats in the house for some of the best music in Philly. No pricey dinner required afterwards. Music is food for the soul.

A Romantic Walk Down South Street: Couldn’t figure out your date’s interests from that mysterious (read: vague) Tinder profile? South Street is the catch–all, with shops that cover everything from the underground (the Wooden Shoe) to the occult (Requiem) to the whimsical (Mineralistic) to the downright kinky (the Sexploratorium). There’s guaranteed to be conversation material for any date.

If all else fails, at least there’s a Copabanana.

A Tour of the Philadelphia Art Museum: Got a 5 on the AP Art History exam? Show off for your date by identifying every Matisse and Monet by sight alone.

Look up the floorplan beforehand, though—it’s pretty easy to get lost in there. Better yet, take your date after 5 p.m. on Friday and stay in the atrium to enjoy the catered food and live performances.

It’s a way to get a taste for Philly’s local art scene.

Old City on First Fridays: Speaking of the local art scene, if you time your date night just right, you can head down to Old City to wander about the 40 or so open galleries and enjoy all of the new artwork. Grab some artisan local coffee and desserts and you’ll have the perfect romantic–yet–casual date.

Personal recommendation: the outdoor sculpture installations in the park by 3rd and Arch.

The Woodland Graveyard: So you’re actually super cultured but you’ve blown all your money on painting supplies, cigarettes and other artistic endeavors.

Never fear, you can save your precious SEPTA tokens and walk around the Woodland Graveyard instead. Less mainstream than Clark Park but still within walking distance, it’s a great place to express yourself in a semi–private environment. Just know that kind souls may also be listening.

ROCHELLE CHEN

Looking for an arsty date on approx. zero notice?

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WE WANT TO 1.

KNOW YOUR SECRETS

ARTS

Williams Cafe With a 9 a.m. Italian class every day of the week, WilCaf’s red eye* is functionally my alarm clock so I cannot say a bad word against it. However, I can give you this piece of advice: just keep your eyes closed while you’re there. I’m not sure what is more upsetting: the interpretive portrait series of mental health complications, or the salmon–coloured, plywood–skirted walls.

submit your dirtiest, wildest, ratchet-est SHOUTOUTS

@34ST.com

Serving up coffee and a window into the psyche of a manic–depressive.

2.

Like “Transformers,” but instead of a monster the truck turns into origami.

3.

Oddly enough, I’ve never wanted to feel like I’m eating miso soup inside a strobe light.

4.

Go for the art; stay for the sofas.

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*filter coffee with a shot of espresso aka cocaine. You’re welcome.

KoJa For KoJa, the place is the art.

Parked at 38th and Sansom, this Japanese and Korean food truck will make you feel like an extra in a Miyazaki film, but without the flying around and general weirdness. With its swirling patterns in red and blue and lotus flower design, the vehicle is so pretty you’ll want to sit on the curb to eat your bulgoki and be mistaken for homeless.

Pod With its glowing mood lighting and rainbow color scheme, Pod is as much a place to see as to eat. Thanks to the egg–shaped dining compartments and out–dated technology gimmicks (light– up stools, I’m looking at you), Steven Starr’s Asian outpost on Sansom Street looks like what the nineties thought was cool and futuristic. Well, guess what?

The future’s now and it doesn’t look like a light bulb on crack.

Lovers and Madmen If the Friends were Penn students, Central Perk would be Lovers and Madmen.

The laid–back atmosphere of this coffee shop on 40th and Ludlow oozes from the mismatched bohemian interior and abstract artworks hanging on the walls. #smellycat

MOLLY COLLETT

LOWBROW

Yes, we know we're going to hell.

Street is gonna run hell.

submit shoutouts at 34st.com

IF YOU RODE A BIKE, YOU’D BE THERE BY NOW. roll past rush hour and actually enjoy your morning.

UniversiTY ciTY 4040 locUsT sT. (215) 387-2453

KeswicK cYcle is The onlY BiKe shoP on caMPUs! And has the largest selection of new and used bicycles in Philly

save while in school!

Students get 10% OFF non-sale bicycles and accessories with valid student I.D.

A P R I L 17 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 5

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

34

ST

FILM

LOWBROW

DO YOU PAY PER VIEW? Film polled you to find out how you are getting your Sunday afternoon movie fixes. Here’s what we learned. BY ANTHONY KHAYKIN

How Penn Students Watch Movies Borrow from Library

24.6%

Don't Watch Movies Theaters

T

Free Streaming hough we all know the watch Hugo in theaters. And we you guess then that Penn stu47.7% 16.9% Paid Online Services Internet is for porn fit this mold of overworked Ivy dents would prefer to get their (thanks Avenue Q), the League students well, with only RomCom fix online with free bedroom is no longer the only about 17% of Penn undergrads streaming websites like SideReel 9.2% area being ceded to digital terri- watching movies at the Rave ev- and Ch131 rather than pay for tory. For every girl with daddy’s ery semester. services provided by Netflix and AmEx, window browsing on But how about the other ste- Redbox?

1.5% get out of hand at the SDT–APES BYO when someone forgets to bring the White Zinfandel and Fifth Avenue has been replaced reotype, the one that says all col-ThingsWhile 75% of us watch movcan turnnearly the water with online shopping. And lege students are poor? The freeno one ies online, 50%into paywine. for FYEs everywhere have virtu- movement of information made it. I hear Horrible Bosses — a Why do you go to the movies? ally been rendered useless (pun possible by the interweb makes new release on iTunes — is hys3.1% 6.3% intended) with the existence of terical, but is Other Whose recommendations do you take? the multifarious iTunes store. it worth the It's a way to hang out with friends 25% 50 Things are no different here 1.5 salads at 47.7% Other It's a good study break 40.6% at Penn, Our wherebeloved the RaveClaudia gets Sweetgreen Cohen once 40% 40 A Friend It makes you feel relaxed and happy nearly half ran the Page traffic 6; for here the is Lowbrow’s it would Cinema Studies 25% midnight screenings of blockhave cost if Required for Class 30 Major 26.2% Penn version just in time for Holy 25% 25% buster hits like Twilight as Hulu I had seen it Professor or TA Thursday.20 does the day after the newest in theaters?

Street episode of 30 Rock airs. This Ramen noo10 *Students surveyed were allowed to choose more makes sense. We Penn students dles aren’t es seven movies, more or less, than one option.

0 are too busy procrastinating that bad, I every semester. Simple arithmeon Penn InTouch and designguess. tic proves that it’s $40 cheaper ing funny lacrosse pinnies for entertainment accessible and The average Penn student to watch said movies on Netflix learning to swim, Josh detheDisclaimer: clubs we’re involved in to isinexpensive to anyone with anDespite (whonever is anything buthow average, if Theos than atsenior the Rave, and an addithis section fake. As always. cides to give it a go on a PV booze cruise over spring leave the comfort of our beds to AirPennNet account. Wouldn’t you ask Amy Gutmann) watch- tional $20 lessbreak. on iTunes (cost of popcorn and Mike and Ikes not included in these calcula“Itions). wish IThe was low bravecost enough to do that,” thinks Grace as she lends a of watchhand to an intrepid crowd surfer ing seven movies on iTunes forat the Mask and Wig Fling concert. >> Total amount of less than 30 bucks is worth the money spent in movie many conveniences that online theaters* byUpon Pennreceivpaid services afford us: not being his first students each semester ing interrupted by incessant fake ID, buffering and commercials, the freshman immunity to computer viruses Paul gets into and most importantly, not havSmokes’ and ing to wait 54 minutes after promptly >> Total amount of watching 72 minutes of a movie blacks out money spentbefore watching on Megavideo. being online, if all people who Not to mention, it’s a small MERTed paid for online services price to pay when you look at from the Dine-In, Catering & Delivery used iTunes* the big picture — the combined arms of his savings of the 47.7% of Penn [now ex]– Happy Hour: Mon-Fri 5-7 students who pay for their online girlfriend. services rather than going to the Lunch Special: Mon-Fri $8.95 movie theater is somewhere between $196,136 and $295,344, >> Total amount of Attendance Early Bird: Sun-Thur $10.95 depending on whether they use money spentwas watching lacking at Netflix or iTunes, respectively. online, if all people who last semester’s Moral of the story is: we won't paid for online services Owls brunch judge if you just stay in bed. used Netflix*upon reports that it was *A simple random sample PattayaRestaurant.com • 215.387.8533 to be *$12.50/ticket atgoing the Rave of 100 Penn undergrads were 4006 Chestnut Street • University City raided *$3.99 to rent a movie onbyiTunes surveyed to collect data about *$7.99/month onNARCs. Netflix their film viewing habits.

BY THE NUMBERS

34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011

$153,701

8

$196,136

$295,344

2 6 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 17 , 2 01 4

LOWBROW

4/20 + PASSOVER = YOUR VERY OWN WEED SEDER Why is this Sunday night different than all other nights? It’s both Passover and 4/20! Chocolate seders are so 2013, so Lowbrow has all the tips for what’s sure to be a huge trend: weed seders.

The high holy days may be long gone, but you can still get high with our marijuana–infused twist on the traditional seder plate.

This vegetable for dipping in salt water can best be replaced by—you guessed it—more weed. Try a strong medical strain that will bring literal tears to your eyes in addition to those metaphorical ones dropped on your plate.

Switch out your typical horseradish or parsley for a different herb: cannabis. Meant to symbolize the bitterness of slavery, Ashkenazis typically use an indica strain while Sephardic Jews opt for sativa. Either one helps when remembering the struggle of our ancestors.

And don’t forget to have plenty of matzoh for the munchies, plus the traditional four glasses of wine to cure any cotton mouth. Happy Passover and 4/20, everyone!

Use a baked egg rather than hard– boiled. Self–explanatory.

Instead of a lamb bone to represent the Pesach sacrifice, offer up your favorite bong.

A sweet dish that represents the mortar used to build the pyramids. Try a pot brownie to substitute. Since you’ve been too chicken to try it since buying it months ago, it’s probably as hard as a brick by now anyway.

“Try this, it will change your life,” whispers Elle, handing Brandon a newly packed apple pipe at the Biopond.

Ou Pa

“Here’s a 20,” Adam says surreptitiously as he slips the bouncer a billfold at G–Lounge in hopes it will make up for his lack of female companions.

A P R I L 17 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 7

B AC K PAG E

College never ends, and Street never forgets. Here are your senior superlatives, Penn alums—if only a few years late

Vanessa Bayer Best Miley Cyrus (including Miley Cyrus)

William Henry Harrison

Elizabeth Banks Most likely to win the Hunger Games

Most likely to be the least relevant president

Claudia Cohen Best SWUG

Tory Burch Best #Branding

Ezra Pound Best Hipster Before It Was Cool

2 8 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 17 , 2 01 4

Melissa Rivers Most likely to not let you sit with us

Candace Bergen Best MILF (GMILF?)

Steven Markowitz (aka Hoodie Allen) Most likely to dissapoint his Bubbe

Thor Halvorssen Mendoza

Chuck Bednarik Most likely to wish he went to Penn State

Maury Povich Most likely to not be the father

Jennifer Egan Best Answer to "What're you going to do with that English major?"

John Legend Most likely to headline Fling 2024

Jon Huntsman Best Use of Architectural Compensation, Thanks Daddy

Most likely to secretly be a superhero