UNDER THE BUTTON

JUNIOR WHO HAD 8 MONTHS ON CAMPUS EXCITED TO CLAIM SUPERIORITY OVER BABY UNDERCLASSMEN | ALICIA LOPEZ

Believe it or not, the start of the school year is coming up fast. With a freshmen class double the usual size (since we're certainly not counting sophomores who had only a year of Zoom as anything more than freshmen), this year's junior class feels particularly optimistic about the upcoming year. "Since the seniors are checked out, and nobody else has really been to campus, it seems like juniors are going to rule the school," reported Justin Wilson (C '23). "I've already started thinking about what that means for us. Like for example, club recruitment. There's gonna be double the hazing to make up for the lost time. Those kids are going to die." "I remember when I was a freshman, I got so flustered when I didn't know what building to go to. I finally sucked it up and asked someone and ended up getting to the right place. But this year, since half the people won't know where anything is and seniors are basically invisible, navigation will be entirely up to the juniors. Personally, I'm going to send people all over the place. I can't wait to overhear conversations about some freshman looking for the library and ending up at Gregory College House," sneered college junior Alyssa Greenwood.

Other juniors aren't as evil.

Michael Jones (E '23) is just interested in having a fast path down the middle of Locust. "I'm telling EVERYONE that the compass thing is real. You step on the compass, you die or don't graduate or something. Except, I'm extending that myth to the entirety of Locust Walk. I'll be booking it from Gregory to DRL in 10 minutes."

According to a recent survey sent out to the junior class, many juniors share similar sentiments. In the study, a whopping 64% of Juniors reported planning to use "sophomore"/freshmen manual labor to do laundry, cook meals, and complete homework assignments.

Said Justin Wilson, "while everyone else may be nervous about coming back to school, I think I speak for the entire junior class when I say I'm looking forward to having the year of my life!" Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Public Domain

SOPHOMORE UNAWARE HE IS AT EXACT MOMENT WHEN GIFTED CHILD TURNS INTO BURNT OUT ADULT | LIWA SUN

In a developing story out of Norfolk, Neb., Jesse Liang (C ’23) is entering the exact moment in which he turns from an adorable child prodigy, reading way above his grade level, into a grumpy, underachieving grown up.

“In high school, I was valedictorian. I brought our mock trial team to the state. Did I mention I was editor-in-chief of our newspaper? And yearbook? I did it all. I broke records on the track team. My sculpture was the front piece in the art room. I was the first person to go to an Ivy from my high school in ten years. When I graduated, the principal cried harder than my mom,” reports Liang.

At Penn, Liang is a biannually participating member of Penn Outdoors Club and a thrice-rejected submitter to Penn Review. He got cut from both ZBT and Phi after two rounds of open rush.

“He’s such a special child. He was reciting Confucius’ quotes as he came out of the womb. We’re sure he’ll find his footing if given time,” Liang’s parents told us.

“Jesse is our precious baby! Jesse makes us proud! Wait, what is this interview for, again? Did Jesse get into Harvard? See? I told you! Jesse is destined for greatness …” So reported Liang’s four grandparents.

Following last year’s COVID-19 debacle, Liang stayed at his childhood bedroom in Nebraska and took online classes from there. He is currently rocking a single major in the College, and a dwindling GPA, and no internships or research prospects.

“I’m sure I’ll make my comeback. After things go back to normal and I get back to campus … I’m only going to be a junior. I have time …” mused Liang, who was last seen throwing out two massive trash bags full of empty Bud Light cans.

Photo by Montgomery County Planning Commission / CC BY-SA 2.0