UNDER THE BUTTON

Student Awakes from “Quick 20-minute Nap” In Time to Witness Heat Death of Universe | IAN ONG

Oops! In a cruel twist of fate, junior Nico Wright (C ‘22) overslept his 3 P.M. alarm, waking up just in time to witness the thermodynamic end of the universe.

“At first, I was panicking because I thought I had missed anthropology recitation,” Wright related, rubbing his eyes. “But then I saw the remnants of existence decaying around me, and I knew that I had bigger problems to deal with.”

It’s an all-too-familiar problem for students: a quick 20-minute nap for an energy boost devolving into a profound hibernation on the magnitude of 10^10^100 years. According to Wright, it was definitely not something that he wants to repeat anytime soon.

“Yeah, waking up and realizing that everyone you’ve ever known or interacted with has long regressed into a cosmic cloud of neutrinos and positrons — not fun,” Wright uttered as he stared onward into the starless expanse.

What’s next for Wright? Will he ever perceive anything that resembles his home ever again? Well, you know what they say: “let sleeping Penn students lie.”

“Screw this, I’m going back to bed,” Wright mumbled, slipping on his eye mask. “Wake me up when the next universe starts.”

Photo by Mislav Marohnić / CC BY 2.0

Engineer Uses 4-in-1 Wash Every 1-in-4 Days | IAN ONG

He’s got it all figured out: last Thursday, Yacob Finnegan (E '23) revealed that he uses Irish Spring 4-in-1 wash every 1-in-4 days.

“It’s all a matter of efficiency,” Finnegan explained. “Why would you do something if it’s not efficient?”

To support his claims, Finnegan brought up how Irish Spring 4-in-1 could be applied indiscriminately to any part of his putrid, grimy body with relatively consistent results. According to his calculations, a single coating of the miraculous goo every four calendar days is enough to keep his stench percentage well below 50%.

“Everybody tells me I smell like the gym locker room,” Finnegan said with a shrug. “I’ve never been there, so I can only assume that’s a good thing.”

Like any engineering student worth their salt, Finnegan is working hard on discovering novel applications for the godsend that is Irish Spring 4-in-1.

“Shaving cream — no. Sunscreen — no. Lip balm — no.” Finnegan muttered, moving down his checklist. “Toothpaste — maybe.”

Who knows what the future will hold for Finnegan? We’re rooting for ya, buddy.

“There’s still one problem I’ve yet to solve: No matter where I go, people appear to keep a distance of 10 ± 2 meters away from me,” Finnegan lamented, whipping out his calculator. “Looks like I need to rerun some simulations, I guess.” Photo (with edits) by Art (RUS) Potosi / CC BY 2.0 and Martin Lewison / CC BY-SA 2.0