WELCOME TO ELDERHOOD

Welcome to

Celebrating a birthday, graduating from school, getting married, or holding a funeral, we’ve all witnessed or participated in special festivities or services that recognize the transition from one stage of life to another.

Whether they are religious or secular, public or private, elaborate or simple, all rite-of-passage occasions have one thing in common: They create meaning for any of us who take part in them.

Basically, a rite of passage says three things about someone’s life: They have achieved certain skills and qualities (the past) that entitle their move to a new stage of existence; they are taking on a new identity (the present); and they will now have one or more new roles to play in relationship to others (the future).

It’s easy to see how these three realities apply in different stages from Childhood through Adulthood, and even at the last day of life. All stages, that is, except one: moving from Adulthood to our later years, known as

Elderhood. Somehow, modern Western culture as a whole hasn’t created a formal recognition, or ritual, for that period of development. And sadly, there is a reason for this.

How Ageism Denies Elderhood

If we think about our lifespan as a one-directional path we take through various doors at different times in our lives, we can certainly remember a nebulous time when we felt we were stepping through the doorway between Adolescence and Adulthood. However, the ageism that’s ever-present in our culture tells us that there are no more doorways to enter until that very last one, called death.

According to Ron Pevny, director of the Center for Conscious Eldering and author of Conscious Living, Conscious Aging, “Modern society knows little about the stages of growth of the human psyche, and even less about the stage called Elderhood with its potential for growth, fulfillment, and service. So ageism is pervasive along with lack of any kinds of acknowledgement of the contributions of older adults, largely because the cultural norm is that upon retirement, our time of meaningful contribution is mostly over.”

Retired psychotherapist Connie Zweig, Ph.D., author of The Inner Work of Age: Shifting from Role to Soul, would agree. “Because we live in an ageist society,” she explains, “we tend to believe that young is good, old is bad, strong is good, weak is bad, independent is good, dependent is bad, and quick is good, slow is bad. As a consequence, we don’t acknowledge the profound value and contributions of older adults.”

Unfortunately, older adults may internalize this feeling of uselessness to the extent that after passing through the Adulthood doorway, their pessimistic attitudes about aging can affect their behavior and even their health. Research studies done by Yale psychologist Dr. Becca Levy and her team, described in her recently published book, Breaking the Age Code: How Your Beliefs About Aging Determine How Long and Well You Live, have shown that older adults who hold negative views about aging may increase by 50% their likelihood of developing dementia and even cut their lifespan by an average of 7.5 years.

And that’s not good for body, mind … or spirit.

A Community of Witnesses

Just as graduation and marriage ceremonies provide a sense of legitimacy for these life stages, shouldn’t arriving at Elderhood have its own social form of recognition for such an achievement? In fact, shouldn’t Elderhood itself be something all of us should aspire to rather than dread?

It’s one thing for a life passage to be meaningful to ourselves alone, but its meaning is intensified when a ritual that marks its occurrence is shared with others. The process of exchanging a former identity with a new one can be challenging for us because it can be hard to predict what awaits us on the other side of the aging “door.” Recognizing our vulnerability by doing so in the supportive presence of others is a plus. Zweig explains that “it helps to be witnessed in this process, so that our new identity is valued and

In a society that has created rituals celebrating different life stages, why not hold rites of passage honoring our later years?

by JEANETTE LEARDI

Elderhood

Being present during a rite-ofpassage ritual can transform the witnesses, too. Imagine a beautiful ceremony during which children, young adults, and middle-agers watch their grandparent or parent being honored by the rest of the family for that person’s accomplishments, values, and future goals. Instead of thinking it’s a bad thing to be old, those members might actually look forward to that stage of life. Now imagine families everywhere holding Elderhood ceremonies—and in the process, ridding our culture of the ageism and discrimination that pervade it.

A Three-Step Ritual

For a rite of passage to be meaningful, it needs to address what a person is experiencing. “Change is always happening,” says Zweig. “How can we allow change to change us? By taking the three steps of a rite of passage: Letting go of an outworn pattern, stepping into uncertainty, and emerging renewed.”

Think about the fact that in order to become a butterfly, the creature has to cast off the characteristics of a caterpillar, enclose itself for a period of time in a cocoon, from which it emerges with a new body—including wings. Or, as Pevny puts it, “A rite of passage at any life stage helps people shed old skins that no longer fit, as snakes do when they grow out of their old skins.” And in between the shedding of the old skin and the growing of a new one, there’s a time of pause to reflect on exactly what it all means. Acknowledging this pause is the purpose of ritual.

There are many forms an Elderhood ceremony can take. What’s important is that the more it reflects the individual being honored, the more significant it will be. Should you decide to hold such a ceremony, Pevny offers a structure that can be adapted and personalized: 1) Invoking the presence of the Sacred (however the Elder’s community names it). 2) The Elder speaking of what they want to heal or let go and then doing a symbolic act, such as placing some symbol of their letting-go in a fire. 3) The Elder speaking of the strengths and positive qualities they have exhibited up to now that they feel are important to take into the future. 4) The Elder sharing a vision for what a fulfilled Elderhood can look like for them. 5) The community acknowledging the Elder’s strengths and potential for thriving and serving in the community. 6) The community welcoming them as a new Elder, and offering them some symbol of Elderhood, such as a special shawl.

Pevny also suggests including inspiring readings and music/songs throughout the course of the ceremony.

The Right to a Rite

In the end, we should realize that, as average life expectancy increases, Adulthood can be followed by decades of living in a stage that fosters a different kind of wisdom borne from years of experience, and with it come newer social roles to assume and ways to contribute.

“Throughout history,” says Pevny, “it is the Elders who have been the conscience of the community, reminding the younger generations of the importance of honoring, valuing, and protecting all in the community now, and leaving a healthy world for generations to come.”

As Zweig explains, “We celebrate Medicare birthdays. But a senior is not an Elder. Elder is a stage, not an age. … And a new stage requires a rite of passage.”

Older adults have a right to passage. Isn’t it about time we create rituals that honor it?

Jeanette Leardi is a Portland-based social gerontologist, writer, editor, and community educator who has a passion for older adult empowerment. She gives popular presentations and workshops in journaling, memoir writing, ethical will creation, brain fitness, creativity, ageism, intergenerational communication, and caregiver support to people of all ages. Learn more about her work at jeanetteleardi.com.

The ageism that’s everpresent in our culture tells us that there are no more doorways to enter until that very last one, called death.

Be IN•TUNE™ for Mind/Body Fitness and a Happier Life

BY TRACEY HARVEY

Living in an independent living environment purposely built for active agers can make your life easier, prolong your health and vitality, and grow your social circle— it’s a lifestyle choice that prioritizes wellness. If you are considering making a move to an independent living community, set a goal to transition while you’re still active and without the stress of a health crisis or illness. This usually means sooner, rather than later. Is moving to an independent living community right for you? Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

Be honest, how well are you

managing your stress levels? Are you happy and content in your current living environment? If your stress is high and you are unhappy or lonely, your emotional wellness can impact your physical health and the energy you have for selfcare such as maintaining healthy eating habits and physical fitness. Adults living in purpose-built communities like Cadence Living report being happier, less stressed, more physically active, and more social.

How would you rate yourself on being curious and interested in

lifelong learning? Do you make good use of your free time? Active agers who are curious and vigilant about their overall wellness are more resilient. During the pandemic they became more tech-savvy, using smart devices and technology to stay connected and engaged. For some, volunteering or sharing knowledge with others is a way to tend to occupational wellness needs and spark necessary mental stimulation to stay sharp. Community clubs, staff support, and social events offer greater opportunities to expand skills, make friends, and engage. Are you moving enough? Low mobility can lead to increased loneliness, especially if you fear coming out of your home and neglect social engagement with others. At Cadence Living, our proprietary IN•TUNE™ Fitness uses state-of-the-art technology to provide personal instruction with a network of fitness instructors and on-demand and live workouts. Team members support community competitions where residents celebrate their fitness achievements.

Residing in a purpose-built independent living community will enhance your overall peace of mind and happiness. We invite you to stop by to tour our beautiful apartments at Cadence KentMeridian. Isn’t it time you lived your best life?

Make Every Night Date Night Make Every Night Date Night

FALL IN LOVE with a community made for you. FALL IN LOVE with a community made for you.

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(253) 534-8140 CadenceKentMeridian.com 25035 104th Ave. SE Kent, WA 98030 (253) 534-8140 CadenceKentMeridian.com 25035 104th Ave. SE Kent, WA 98030

Finishing StrongCREATING A FULFILLING AND MEANINGFUL LIFE AS I FACE MORTALITY

BY CHRIS PALMER

We must search for what we want to become. None of us has an immutable essence. One way to shape who we become—a way to rewire our brain’s circuits and neurons to forge a bolder, more intentional, and more purposeful life—is to write a personal mission statement and deeply reflect on it. It’s never too late to bring more intentionality—more purpose, character, and meaning—into your life.

You benefit from struggling to write your personal mission statement as opposed to simply tossing ideas around in your head. You are contemplating the kind of life you want to design, create, and live, and then writing clear and inspiring answers to such big questions as, What is my best life? Where do I belong? What are my values? What deeply matters to me? What do I believe in? What is my purpose?

I have one chance at life, so I must have an accurate map and compass to help me lead a life of purpose, joy, and meaning, and with the fewest possible regrets.

The purpose of my personal mission statement, below, is to be that map and compass—my true north. I will be the best person I can be, so I can die feeling at peace and with few regrets.

My Personal Mission Statement

As I approach the end of my days on this earth, I appreciate I’ve had a good life and have much for which to be grateful. Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. wrote, “Alas for those who never sing, but die with all their music in them!” I had the chance to “sing.” I worked hard and gave life my best shot. I recognize I’ve been lucky and privileged, enjoying unfair social advantages over others because I’m white and male.

I agree with whoever said that the purpose of life is a life of purpose. Living with purpose makes the world a better place and benefits others, while also helping me feel fulfilled. Therefore, I will embrace a purpose-driven life, not a comfort-driven life.

I will nurture new identities.

Of course, I will still focus on my family and on my role as a husband, father, and grandfather, but I will also build my identity as an author, teacher, speaker, community member, volunteer, health advocate, aging advocate, and death and dying educator.

As I face mortality, I will find joy in designing the meaning and purpose

of the last phase of my life. It is my responsibility to find my path and live my own unique life.

I will spend my time on what

matters to me. I am what I spend my time on. In historian Will Durant’s formulation, I will become what I repeatedly do. Greek philosopher Heraclitus wrote, “Day by day, what you choose, what you think, and what you do is who you become.” Author Annie Dillard wrote, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”

As New York Times columnist David Brooks advocates in his book The Second Mountain, I will climb a “second mountain” that focuses on what matters. He distinguishes “eulogy virtues” from “resume virtues.” To move from “resume virtues” to “eulogy virtues” is to move from activities focused on the self to activities focused on others.

I will work for the greater good.

I will give my life meaning and fulfillment by contributing to matters larger than the self and more enduring than my life. William James said, “The great use of life is to spend it for something that outlasts it.”

I will give my life significance by devoting myself to challenging and

worthy tasks. As a result, I will have something worth living for—what the Japanese call ikigai (“reason for being”), linked to finding meaning and being optimistic.

I will adopt a growth mindset and seek an abundance of growth

experiences. Growth experiences give my life significance and meaning and are the keys to a fulfilled life and a life of learning. T.S. Eliot wrote, “Old men ought to be explorers.”

It’s never too late to bring more intentionality—more purpose, character, and meaning—into your life.

If I’m living well, I will always be

doing something hard. Philosopher and activist Bertrand Russell said, “When striving ceases, so does life.” And Nietzsche believed that embracing difficulty is essential for a fulfilling life. He famously asserted, “What does not kill me makes me stronger.” Poet Goethe said, “If you want to make life easy, make it hard.”

In Adams Grant’s formulation,

I will be a “giver,” not a “taker.” I will benefit and help other people. I will strive to make the world a better place. I will be benevolent, farsighted, and generous.

I will create a meaningful legacy that will survive me and be my gift

to the future I will not see. I want “my memory be for a blessing”—a beautiful Jewish expression. I want to leave more than just money. I hope to ripple into the future, just as my parents have rippled through me. (Rippling is psychiatrist Irvin Yalom’s word for passing on parts of ourselves to others. Yalom says it helps to reduce the dread of death.)

I will undertake activities that strengthen my relationships with others, especially with family,

friends, and neighbors. I will nurture camaraderie and goodwill. As author Ken Blanchard puts it, I will “catch people doing things right” rather than focusing on mistakes and errors.

I will cut out all nonessentials from my life and everything of little

consequence. I will minimize my use of social media, which can be toxic and dystopian. I will practice “digital minimalism” as described in Professor Cal Newport’s same name book. I will have time for high-quality activities, including reading books, writing books, having conversations with friends, and learning to dance and play tennis. I will be “indistractable” (author Nir Eyal’s word).

I will pursue a reverse bucket list.

Every year, I will jettison obligations, possessions, and relationships that don’t advance my life goals.

I acknowledge that I am a

beginner in many areas of life. I will relish the role of being a student and lifelong learner. Scientist and author Isaac Asimov said, “The day you stop learning is the day you begin decaying.”

I will appreciate the distinction between “doing” and “being.”

I will relish the chance to watch a bird, admire a flower, and enjoy the moment.

Chris Palmer is an author, speaker, wildlife filmmaker, and professor. He is currently writing a book on death and dying, is a hospice volunteer, and runs an “aging well” group for the Bethesda Metro Area Village in Maryland. His new book, Finding Meaning and Success: Living A Fulfilled and Productive Life, provides a roadmap for creating your own personal mission statement and more. It is available on Amazon.com.