INTIMACY

LOVE AND THE INTERNET

Modern society is technologically advanced most noticeably by our constant use of personal devices that allow us to perform almost any and every conceivable task online. The use of digital electronics is a symptom of a love affair with new and convenient access to people and places that satisfy personal needs and desires often within minutes—even seconds.

The ability to surf the world should be viewed as a double-edged sword; for as much good that comes from advanced telecommunications, we find our lives and secrets susceptible to hacking. The motivation for the illegal harvesting of financial data, the capture and release of personal content and photos, along with the gathering of other compromising information, is usually rooted in the crime of blackmail or ransom.

However, most importantly, it’s often that our love relationships are severely impacted and need protection.

Loving another in a long-term relationship is hard, perhaps the most challenging task we have as humans. BY ANDREW AARON, LICSW

Adding to the difficult job of maintaining trust and commitment, is the rise of the internet and its associated adversity.

ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN

The internet is a wish-fulfillment service; almost anything you want: movies, music, sex, friendship, love, shopping, the news, games, even face-to-face communication with someone on the other side of the globe is available at a click’s notice.

Then we face the increase of stress in an already anxiety-filled society. The costs for a faster and more accessible world come with a swelling prevalence of disorders that affects some 40 million American adults. While we need time to relax so we can nurture high-quality relationships, the internet, and its easy access puts us in an odd predicament; it is the culprit that causes the stress, while simultaneously offering opportunities to create “feel-good” solutions to soothe the discomfort. It is this convoluted dynamic that sets up the development of anxiety-based compulsions, often referred to as addictions.

Through this evolution of disruptions and resolution being controlled by an outside resource, our lives and relationships are distressed in a host of unanticipated ways.

1. Marriages and relationships are less secure because of the abundance of possible romantic partners available. 2. With the ubiquity of cell phones, couples have fewer uninterrupted moments and have to compete for attention. 3. Personal devices have become compulsions causing couples to argue over missed or discovered personal emails, texts, or messages; found photos of others; or the miscommunication due to the improper meaning of a conversation. 4. A Facebook friend easily becomes a potential affair-partner, especially if the long-term relationship is going through a rough patch. Often those who explore Facebook find friends and acquaintances posting artificial success in their lives and relationships, putting pressure on real relationships. 5. Amazon has perfected “one-click shopping,” with more partners than ever shopping compulsively while increasing stressful debt. 6. Pornography, delivered through the internet, is creating an entire spectrum of obsession with many Americans. 7. There is the “Netflix Effect,” a phenomenon due to binge-watching. Couples are reporting far lower rates of sexual activity.

Our love relationships are suffering from the adverse effects of digital progress; yet, we cannot blame the internet because each of us has the choice to turn off our devices. Perhaps we are not strong enough to curb our cravings for pleasure in the face of an increasingly stressful world.

The internet has evolved into a sophisticated method for delivering distractions to satisfying fantasy. And, while a real love relationship will not always feel good or give us what we need, it is how we grow stronger and develop lasting love. In closing, be careful what you wish for—you might just get it. H Andrew Aaron, LICSW, is a sex and relationship therapist who practices in the New Bedford Seaport.

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