MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • U.S. $1.99
SEPTEMBER 2017
Table of Contents |
SEPTEMBER 2017
8
SUZIE'S LETTER
Duty, Honor and Privilege
10
2017 MSOY
The Art of Tackling Challenges
12
THE HILARIOUS FRUSTRATIONS OF BUYING OUR FIRST HOUSE
8
12
30
14
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AIR FORCE!
20
THE WARRIOR GAMES
The games celebrate the athletes’ journeys to competition and the families that proudly stand by each of their wounded service members.
26
OUR UNSPOKEN VOWS
Military life often introduces a unique dynamic, and sometimes strange space, into marriages. We exist and accept that not all our experiences will be shared.
20
30
WE MUST TALK ABOUT SUICIDE
Although there are no numbers behind it, military family suicide is a very real thing. Talking about it and being open might help curb this devastating occurrence.
10
14
26
Scan to visit MilitarySpouse.com
34
DON’T LET MONEY BURN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
4 |
MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • SEPTEMBER 2017 • FACEBOOK.COM/MILITARYSPOUSE
COVER PHOTOS PROVIDED BY
the Warrior Games
dodwarriorgames.com
H WE GOT YOUR 6 ON MILITARY SPOUSE.COM
VOLUME 13 / ISSUE 9 SEPTEMBER 2017 PRESIDENT MILITARY SPOUSE PROGRAMS
Suzie Schwartz
VP MILITARY SPOUSE PROGRAMS
Lindsay Bradford
LEAD ART DIRECTOR
Joe Maiocco
MANAGING EDITOR
Laurie Cowin
DIGITAL MARKETING SPECIALIST
Kariah Manwaring
PRODUCTION
3 CLASSY LOOKS FOR THE MILITARY BALL
PRESIDENT
Rich McCormack
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS
Brittany Boccher,
Your makeup has the toughest job of all: tying your military ball look together and making you look amazing. Check out these elegant makeup tips PHOTOGRAPHERS for anyone’s comfort and needs.
Bit.do/ballmakeup
Katherine Gauthier, Natalie Hayek, Dr. Ingrid Herrera-Yee J.J. Montanaro The Warrior Games
M ARKETING & ADVERTISING Chris Hale
CEO & CHAIRMAN
CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER
Mike Stevens
VP BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT
Scott Shaw
CUSTOMER SUCCESS MANAGER
* Verizon is a paid client
A GROWING EMPLOYMENT PROGRAM
Military spouses! Verizon can hear you now, and it knows you want more employment options. Check out why they might be a good fit for you, and hear from a military spouse who works there now. Bit.do/verizonmilspouse
Courtney Miller
MILITARY SPOUSE MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY M2V,
a service-disabled veteran-owned small business. TO SUBSCRIBE TO MILITARY SPOUSE MAGAZINE
Subscription Rate: $14.97/year. To subscribe, send a check or money order to Military Spouse magazine, P.O. Box 26, Sewickley, PA 15143 or subscribe online at subscribe.militaryspouse.com or call (412) 269-1663 x164. Military Spouse magazine is published monthly by M2V, Inc. 420 Rouser Road, Building 3, Suite 101, Moon Township, PA 15108, tel: (412) 269-1663 x164, fax: (412) 269-1646. The inclusion of advertising is considered a service to subscribers and is not an endorsement of the products nor concurrence with advertising claims. Military Spouse is a registered trademark of M2V, Inc., copyright © 2004-2017. No part of the magazine may be reproduced by any means without the permission of M2V, Inc. M2V, Inc. is an independent publisher and is not affiliated with or sponsored by the U.S. military. The Military Spouse camouflage pattern heart, products, product designs, product names, trademarks, trade dress, logos, designs, images, both physical and color designs and other associated intellectual properties are the registered or otherwise protected property of M2V, Inc. Any form of unauthorized use is strictly prohibited and considered infringement, and is punishable by law.
STAY CONNECTED!
militaryspouse.com
email: customer _ service @ militaryspouse . com
facebook IT’S MARATHON TIME!
Jessica Rudd, 2017 Armed Forces Insurance Marine Corps Spouse of the Year®, is lacing up her shoes to run 26.2 miles for the Semper Fi Fund in the Marine Corps Marathon. Bit.do/semperfimcm
6 |
MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • SEPTEMBER 2017
Like Facebook.com/MilitarySpouse for engaging milspouse content, chances to be published and exciting contest opportunities!
We're always tweeting! Catch live tweeting updates of events in our military communities. @MilSpouseMag
Follow us on Pinterest for the latest imagery and ideas that inspire military spouses. MilSpouseMag
Suzie’s Letter
[PHOTOS BY U.S. AIR FORCE PHOTOGRAPHER SCOTT ASH]
Duty, Honor and Privilege By Suzie Schwartz, Air Force spouse (Ret.), president, Military Spouse programs
As a spouse, we do not take the oath of office. Although I
know it may not be popular or politically correct to say this, I refuse to shy away from the fact that I feel I did have a duty and continue to have a duty to do the right thing. (I think I hear the voice of my sweet husband reminding me that I KNOW what the right thing is to do.) I hope all of you feel the need to do the right thing too. The right thing for your family, the right thing for your service, the right thing for your career and also the right thing for those who have served and sacrificed for all of us. I start this column this way, because once again I did my “duty” as a proud board member of the Fisher House Foundation. It was my honor to attend the Department of Defense Warrior Games hosted this year by the Navy and held in Chicago. It was the first time the games were held outside the fence of a military installation. The venues were wonderful and made the athletes feel special and validated the level of competition on display. The wonderful city of Chicago was warm, welcoming and full of that great Midwest hospitality. I know a big deal was made about the events being held off of an installation, and
8 |
Suzie presents a medal to a track athlete at the Warrior Games in Chicago.
it WAS unique and nice. But to me, the joy and the beauty of these games is the utter and complete joy of the competitors and the warmth and love of the families that have been by their side from day one. Those families can now cheer their athletes as they cross the finish line, take the podium for an award or just proudly welcome after finishing their event. So, while many in our country may delight in not honoring the traditions of honor and service, I will always
MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • SEPTEMBER 2017 • FACEBOOK.COM/MILITARYSPOUSE
continue to express my view that duty and honor are great traditions to uphold and protect. I DO feel it is my duty after the privileges I have enjoyed and the experiences I have been given by joining my husband during his 39 year career. The very least I can do is to find ways to serve others who are continuing to give their all for this country. I never want to lose sight of what is truly important and what makes this country so great. Young men and women who stand up and pledge to defend and protect
the American people and the Constitution of the United States are the very best this country has to offer. The American people owe much to them while they are on active duty, and even more after being injured while serving. I hope each and every one of you gets an opportunity to attend one of these Warrior Games. Next year the games will be back in Colorado Springs, Colo., where they began in 2010. The United States Air Force Academy will host and I once again hope to be able to do my “duty” and volunteer through the Fisher House Foundation. It will be my honor to serve our wounded warriors and a privilege to be their biggest cheerleader. H Suzie Schwartz is president of Military Spouse programs for Military Spouse. As the wife of retired Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Norton Schwartz, Suzie brings more than 30 years of knowledge of the needs of the military spouse community from the highest levels. Mrs. Schwartz also serves on the Board of Directors for Fisher House.
[PHOTO PROVIDED BY MARY B. CONSIDINE, FISHER HOUSE FOUNDATION]
[PHOTO BY KALYN BROWN PHOTOGRAPHY]
The Art of
Tackling Challenges By Brittany Boccher, 2017 Armed Forces Insurance Military Spouse of the Year® With two young children, one with special needs, I often hear, “I don’t know how you do it!”
Many people wonder how military spouses endure the separations, frequent moves and the constantly changing landscape of our military. We endure this life because military spouses are strong, adaptable and resilient! Yes, the separations are difficult and the challenges of employment, under employment and general instability are hard to overcome. However, many spouses would argue that their emotions, lack of family support and the feeling of isolation pose the biggest challenge. We have called numerous states and countries “home,” said goodbye to our spouses more times than we would like to recall and shared hugs, tears and “see you laters” with countless spouses that we have met along the way in this amazing life. We all experience unique challenges, and at the end of the day these challenges are all relative to one another. No one challenge or struggle is more important than another. It’s the art in which we tackle those challenges that leaves a lasting impression in our lives and the lives of others. Each challenge we overcome is a triumph for our fellow spouse and provides encouragement, motivation and inspiration to others.
10 |
In 2015, a neonatologist diagnosed our son with Down Syndrome, along with several secondary conditions. The world seemed to stop in that moment and the fear of military life slowly crept its way into my heart and mind. How would we raise this child, especially living the life we live in the military. The fear of having appropriate doctors; support groups; access to care, education and resources; and the relocating. How would this work? Military life is challenging enough and this situation was a mountain that seemed impossible to climb. I grieved, cried, felt defeated and was angry at the circumstances and challenges surrounding our new “normal.” I allowed these fears to consume my every thought for several weeks until the day I met a military spouse who had a daughter with Down Syndrome and she said to me, “You’ve got this!” She reminded me I have everything I need and if there is something I don’t have, I will find a way. This military spouse encouraged me and reignited the fire inside of me. I realized in that moment that I have a voice and that my voice could be heard. I became empowered and determined to be the voice for my son and the voice for people with disabilities and their caregivers in the military.
MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • SEPTEMBER 2017 • FACEBOOK.COM/MILITARYSPOUSE
It’s easy to forget we have the power to choose how we respond to our challenges and we have the ability to overcome any challenge standing before us. Here are four tips to overcoming challenges as a military spouse.
1) It Takes a Village
No one does it alone, so don’t try to be the first person in the world to do so!
2) Be Positive
We’re conditioned to focus on the negative; however, we can choose to focus on the positive and appreciate everything around us.
3) Write Your Story
Don’t allow your circumstances to write your story. Write a story that is empowering and live it.
4) Seek and Celebrate Successes Seek out successes as this gives you something to focus on and celebrate those successes you have achieved.
Military spouses need encouragement and I challenge each of you to encourage your fellow spouses to embrace the military life, the military community within and outside of the gates and the opportunities afforded to us by the military. H Armed Forces Insurance is a paid client
We Can All Relate
Have any funny moving moments? Tweet at us @MilSpouseMag using #MSMmoves and we’ll share!
The Hilarious Frustrations of Buying Our First House By Katherine Gauthier, Marine Corps spouse
Moving. The bane of every military family. But it is
a little different when you are moving into your very first home rather than just to another base. Or is it? Turns out that moving into a new home can be just as tricky as allowing the military movers to pack up your house. While you’re not as likely to pack a full garbage can that was hidden in the “do not pack” room, there is a host of different things that pop up that make you start to think living in a tent with minimal belongings wouldn’t be so bad. My husband and I closed on our house this spring, but since the sellers were another military family and they were waiting to transition out of the service we let them rent until the husband hit his EAOS. Knowing we had two whole months to get
12 |
organized and ready to move made me think it was going to be a breeze. Change our address. Transfer the electric and cable. Pick out paint colors. Oh how naive I was!
“Why do two people who use travel mugs whether we are on the road or not have 50 cups in the cabinet? Am I preparing for the next alien invasion a la 'Signs'?” Did you know you have to call the city to set up water? And not just one department. Here you have to have one company set up water that goes into the house and another company sets up the water that leaves the house. Between living on bases or in apartments my whole adult life
MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • SEPTEMBER 2017 • FACEBOOK.COM/MILITARYSPOUSE
I never had to set up water before. I would have been one unhappy wife if we got through with moving day and I couldn’t take a shower! Oh and the paint…who the heck decided there needs to be 102 different shades of gray!? I have easily spent over an hour standing in front of the paint samples at the hardware store trying to decide if a gray was too green/blue/purple for what we are aiming for. Then comes the task of covering the interesting paint choices the previous family made. I know we all have our own sense of style, but based on the hours I spend watching HGTV, it seems to be common sense that before selling a house one paints more neutral colors so that all buyers can
see themselves in the house. Lucky for me I could see past the eggplant bathroom and the holy moly who picked that shade of blue in our spare room, so I did fall in love with the house. But now I have to tone down the unique colors so that we don’t scare our guests off when the sunlight hits the wall in the morning. Speaking of windows, how it is that between all of the moves I have done and all of the curtains I have collected there are still not enough blinds, curtain rods and blackout shades to cover the windows in the new place? I was sure I could start my own curtain company before this move. Now I’m starting to think that shutters would be a great decorating choice. Yes, inside. On top of the utilities and the facelift we are going to perform on the house, we are doing our darndest to minimize the amount of stuff we move into the new place that does not really need to make another move. Like the uniforms my motherin-law has been getting for us to send her so she can make a blanket out of them. Or the five bags of clothes that neither of us wear. Oh, and why do two people who use travel mugs whether we are on the road or not have 50 cups in the cabinet? Am I preparing for the next alien invasion a la "Signs"? Water glasses all over the house were useful in that movie but not so much when it comes time to pack. Then again…with all the stress of the move I might just need to use those glasses for wine as I pack. H
Katherine Gauthier is a Navy veteran and the wife of a Marine Corps veteran.
Air Force Motto:
Happy Birthday,
Air Force! Compiled by Laurie Cowin, managing editor
Officially established in 1947, the Air Force is celebrating its seventh decade on Sept. 18. In one capacity or another, however, it’s been
around since 1909, when the U.S. Army Signal Corps formed the Aeronautical Division. When World War II illustrated the value of airpower, President Truman signed the National Security Act, which not only created the Air Force as an independent service, but also established a single Department of Defense with a strong Joint Chiefs of Staff with the Army, Navy and Air Force chiefs. Today’s Air Force has more than 315,000 active duty service members, including 12,669 pilots. Familiar names who have served under it include George W. Bush, Morgan Freeman, Johnny Cash, Ronald Reagan and James Stewart. The branch does more than just fly through the skies; very few personnel actually fly. The Air Force handles missions such as bombing runs, in-flight refueling, special rescue missions behind enemy lines, medical service in impoverished areas, airborne mapping and monitoring of targets and maintenance of aerospace systems and planes, to name just a few. Another Air Force duty? Tracking Santa each Christmas Eve. The North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) fires up its Santa tracker and handles calls from more than 200 countries to see where in the world is Santa.
14 |
“Aim High … Fly-Fight-Win.” WE THOUGHT ONE OF THE BEST WAYS TO CELEBRATE THE AIR FORCE WAS BY CATCHING UP WITH WHAT SOME OF OUR AIR FORCE SPOUSES HAVE BEEN UP TO. ALICIA GRABIANOWSKIBARNETT
I’m at Ramstein AFB in Germany. I’m working on helping Girl Scouts in Baumholder start up again and am spearheading our Thrift Shop (run by RESA-enlisted spouses) open up a Belle's Boutique, a loan locker of sorts of formal attire for the ladies (and hopefully one day the gentlemen) in our area. I'm also heading to D.C. in September for the AF Awards. I also added child No. 5 in August.
SHELBY RENNINGER
I’m in Waco, Texas, recruiting. I have been attending and helping my husband recruit by exemplifying the Air Force as a family and answer any questions families may have from the family perspective of the Air Force and its benefits.
CARISSA JONES
I just left Spangdahlem, Germany. Following SOFA, I was able to start up a free home-based business Bingo for the base community. It raised money and benefited the local economy and our base, as well as HBB owners. I’m hoping to start something here now that I’m at Nellis AFB.
AMBER ROSE ODOM
I’m in Ellsworth, S.D., running my kiddos to school and sports and adjusting to my husband's new
MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • SEPTEMBER 2017 • FACEBOOK.COM/MILITARYSPOUSE
squadron and work schedule. I’m also volunteering with the homeless, my husband's squadron and in my children's classrooms.
CHARISSA GODFREY
I just PCSed from Seymour Johnson AFB to Altus AFB. I signed on to be a key spouse for our new squadron and helping with the squadron’s social committee. I also volunteer for Odyssey of the Mind and am a stay-at-home mom to two kids.
DINAH A. DZIOLEK
I’m the Kirtland AFB SOY 2016 and 2017 USAF Chaplain Spouse. Our family is three weeks into an unaccompanied remote assignment so that has made life a bit crazy with managing the home front and our almost 5- and 3-year-olds. However, I have managed to not only maintain my current volunteer positions, but actually added a couple others. I was asked to provide support to spouses separated from service members stationed at the same remote location as my husband, their chaplain. I serve as a key spouse mentor for two wings at KAFB, among other positions with the Kirtland Spouse’s Club in which I represent the spouse community to senior leadership at IDS/CAIB meetings. I organize base-wide >>
[PHOTOS BY THE U.S. AIR FORCE]
make each year better than the last. All of this while keeping up with my 12-, 11-, 9- and 7-year-olds and their activities.
SHEILA RUPP
military spouse resiliency events that I have focused on marriage resiliency as this is the need of our community. Additionally, I work as a licensed mental health counselor at a Christian counseling clinic off base and serve military and veteran families. I am also working with a local senator here in New Mexico to change legislation to protect teens who suffer from mental illness that make them vulnerable, a result of the experience of my own niece who is mentally ill and had been missing for two years. Police refused to assist our family because she left on her own and the law had no consideration for her condition. This is something I hope to change for other families. Thankfully my niece was found alive and is now receiving treatment.
TESHA JACKSON
I volunteer around our base helping families, at our schools on base and with the National Military Family Association. This year I am the co-president of the PTA with an active duty member. The past two years I have done Month of the Military Child at the school and hope to
16 |
I’m the 2014 Los Angeles AFB SOY. I recently PCSed to Maxwell while my hubby attends ACSC, so it’s quiet here commitment-wise for now! I’m looking forward to getting involved with the ACSC spouses and working on short-term volunteer projects while helping a nonprofit I've worked with for several years. I’m looking forward to taking me time this year to expand my freelance writing and editing career.
the AFRC to welcome new spouses to the base every quarter. I volunteer at Right Start orientation briefings to introduce new airmen and their spouses to the Key Spouse program and encourage them to get involved. As a member of the brand new combined Shaw Spouses’ Club, I am the chairperson for the Scholarship Auction aimed at awarding our largest amount of scholarship money in Shaw AFB history. On a national level, I am the director for the New Military Spouse Support Program with Military Spouse Advocacy Network (MSAN). We are working to mentor brand new military spouses and provide them with the tools and resources they need to succeed. I am so grateful to be able to share my passion with others and I look forward to many more opportunities in the future!
JESSICA NICHOLASSALTER
I’m at Dover AFB. I've been volunteering with NMFA for the past three years, and I help run a peer-to-peer PTSD/MST group in town where we do various group therapy to include yoga, knitting, crochet and community outreach. I’ve been working with several state’s officials in regards to mental health in our military families, benefits for the MWDs after retirement, and general health issues.
WHITNEY ARMSTRONG
Since winning the 2017 Shaw AFB Spouse of the Year® I have become more involved in every facet of military life. I am the Shaw AFB Heartlink program emcee, working alongside
MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • SEPTEMBER 2017 • FACEBOOK.COM/MILITARYSPOUSE
MICHELLE AIKMAN
I’m the 2016 Air Force Spouse of the Year® and the co-founder and director of Adventure Learning at Cerno! I am busy running the Give A Squat® fitness challenge program, helping people reach their fitness goals one squat at a time and get money into the hands of deserving nonprofits. In June, our sponsors gave $1,450 to
Semper Fi Fund and $100 to another nonprofit. I am also busy with our new Survival Challenge Team Adventure! We are having a blast helping teams get out of the office, connect in new ways, learn valuable lessons that apply back at the office, and gain a better appreciation for the military community. I also spend time speaking with large groups about attracting, retaining and engaging top talent; tapping into talent within the military community; and how we can achieve more and be more satisfied as individuals. I am looking forward to several upcoming engagements with Society for Human Resource Management.
PHARMACY TECHNICIANS ARE IN DEMAND! • APPROXIMATELY 400,000 TECHNICIANS WILL BE EMPLOYED BY THE YEAR 2018 • “PCS FRIENDLY” CAREER
Move through this military life with a flexible career.
HANG OWEN
I am the 2017 Hurlburt Field Base Spouse of the Year® and am still involved and busy as ever. While my husband received PCS orders to Pensacola NAS; I'm still attached to the Hurlburt Field/Eglin AFB area as the Blue Star Families Chapter director and the Hurlburt Spouses' Club president. I have been working with building community relations with the schools, base and businesses for military through the various resources available. I love being able to interact with new/ seasoned military spouses. It has been such a joy to learn new things. We are going to start up “Special Operations: Cinderella Project” this year through our Spouses’ Club. I still volunteer for my children's school, church and national fraternity. My passion has always been to serve others and I can do this by continuing to connect with my military community through on/ off base partnerships. H
[PHOTO OF MICHELLE AIKMAN BY FRANKLIN PHOTOGRAPHY STUDIO]
This high demand for pharmacy technicians is the result of a multitude of factors including the constant availability of new drugs, the national shortage of registered pharmacists, the establishment of certified pharmacy technicians, and the aging population. Students will learn both the science and business skills needed to quickly start work in this field. Our online program uses digital techniques to ensure you learn proper understanding of drug classes and their interactions with the body, handling private medical information, and working with insurers and customers to fulfill their needs.
This program prepares you to earn the nationally recognized CPhT certification, we include a voucher for the exam. You will be ready to step in right away to handle customer requests, inventory issues and processing pharmaceuticals for any firm in the country. Wages average almost $15/hr nationally, and first-time workers can expect to move up quickly with the record demand in this field. Pharmacy Technician jobs are mobile so you can find work as you move and salaries are dependent on region.
MyCAA
Military Spouse Career Advancement Accounts
• Affordable and MyCAA-friendly • Study Online w/ Digital Courseware • 24/7 Support & Career Assistance
C O N TA C T U S T O D AY F O R M O R E I N F O R M AT I O N WEB WORLDEDUCATION.NET/NCSU-MILITARY.HTML TEL 1-855-630-3305
Advertisement
BY ASH
K A PH
ETIS]
S] [PHOTO BY ALEXX PON
] OLLENBERG ROGER W [PHOTO BY
[PHOTO BY ROGER WOLLENBERG]
[PHOT O
[PHOTO BY GENESIS GOMEZ]
K GORDON] [PHOTO BY PATRIC
Retired Hospital Corpsman 3rd Class and Team Navy member Nate Hamilton lights the 2017 Warrior Games cauldron during the Games' opening ceremony at Soldier Field.
D
All of these traits, and many more, are crucial traits for service members. Military training amplifies all of those characteristics and ingrains them into a daily part of a service member’s life—both in the service and beyond. But sometimes our service members return home with injuries that render their athletic, physical lifestyle impossible. Devastating though they can be, those injuries do not mean the end of teamwork, fitness, goal setting and, subsequently, goal reaching. Adaptive sports help wounded warriors rebuild their strength and endurance, and give them new goals to shoot for. In 2010, the Department of Defense held its inaugural Warrior Games where wounded, ill and injured service members competed in Paralympic-style events. It’s since become an annual event. This year the games were hosted by the U.S. Navy in partnership with the City of Chicago, marking the first time the games were held at a non-Olympic or military location. Seven teams—Army, Marine Corps,
The games celebrate the athletes’ journeys to competition and the families that proudly stand by each of their wounded service members. By Laurie Cowin, managing editor
20 |
MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • SEPTEMBER 2017 • FACEBOOK.COM/MILITARYSPOUSE
iscipline. Fitness. Teamwork. Athleticism.
[PHOTO BY EJ HERSOM]
Navy/Coast Guard, Air Force, SOCOM, the UK and Australia—competed in archery, cycling, field, shooting, sitting volleyball, swimming, track and wheelchair basketball. Important as medical intervention was for the physical injuries, it took more than skilled medical professionals to get these service members moving again. Behind many of them is an exceptional family support system. Recognizing that, the Warrior Games has made its program about more than just the athletes. It also is about the families. The No. 1 cheerleaders. The support systems. The ones the athletes say they couldn’t do without. “The families are there from day one,” says Dario Santana, 2017 Warrior/Invictus Games Family Lead and Commander, Navy Installations Command. “That means they also have had challenges. They’re there when
[PHOTOS PROVIDED BY THE WARRIOR GAMES]
the lights go out, when they go home from the hospital, when the doctors aren’t here anymore. They know how the service member really feels. It’s not just about the athletes; it’s about their families, who have walked the whole path with their service member. They’re the true VIPs of the event.” The Warrior Games finances an all-expenses-paid trip for up to two family members for each athlete, thanks to presenting sponsors Boeing and Fisher House Foundation Inc. When the first Fisher House opened in 1991, the foundation perhaps didn’t realize it was just the beginning of making an extraordinary impact on military families across the nation. Today, 72 Fisher Houses provide free lodging for almost 30,000 families per year who need to be near their hospitalized service member.
Ken Fisher, chairman and CEO of Fisher House, noticed adaptive sports through the Invictus Games a few years ago. (Prince Harry founded the international Invictus Games after seeing the Warrior Games.) “I realized there was a real connection between the games themselves and the family’s journey,” he says. “In the beginning when Fisher House sees these families, their lives have been turned upside down. Their burdens have grown. They walk this road together.” Adaptive sports become an integral part of the service member’s recovery. “They are empowered. It’s fantastic for self-esteem,” Fisher says. “For them to get to a point where they are competitors and not wounded warriors is not only great for them, but for the families. It became a celebration.” That celebration recognizes the journey to get to the competition field. “In the beginning you were seeing uncertainty, frowns and despair on the faces of the families,” Fisher says. “Now I was seeing smiles and laughter. I was seeing so much of what we had always hoped we would see from these families. We’ve seen them at the worst possible time and now we’re seeing them at the best possible time. “These are men and women who were told years ago what they could never do again. Now, because of adaptive sports, they suddenly can do things even they didn’t think they could do. That’s a powerful reminder these men and women have incomparable spirits. It’s just remarkable.” Santana recalls several stories that illustrate what the Warrior Games is really about. He describes a Marine veteran, about 6 feet, 4 inches tall. A country boy who once had been a football player. An active man. After multiple tours, a traumatic brain injury and PTSD, he segregated himself from life and stayed at his mom’s farm. When the Marine Corps >>
FACEBOOK.COM/MILITARYSPOUSE • SEPTEMBER 2017 • MILITARYSPOUSE.COM
| 21
[PHOTO BY MICHAEL BOTTOMS]
[PHOTO BY GENESIS GOMEZ]
visited to encourage him, the mother told them how her son didn’t leave the farm. So the Marines introduced this young man to adaptive sports. Specifically, shot put. “If you see this guy play shot, he threw this thing so far out,” Santana says. “There are tons of stories like that.” Another woman—a mother of an athlete—told Santana the last time she had seen her son was in the hospital, newly missing a limb from combat injuries. The Warrior Games hosted her, though, giving her the means to see her son and grandchild for the first time in a long time. Yet another family member—a wife of a service member—explained how she changed her whole concept of life after her husband was injured. Prior to that, she had been a successful hedge fund manager. The injury, and subsequent path to the new normal, let her see that life isn’t about money; it’s about being happy. “What I can tell you is that these are men and women who raise their hands for their country, and behind them is a strong family unit,” Santana says. Throughout the past seven years, the games have celebrated these athletes and their families, and have provided an opportunity for wounded service members to push themselves physically and rejoin a team and the camaraderie that comes with it—something a lot of them sorely missed. Read some of their stories. [PHOTO BY MICHAEL BOTTOMS]
Master Sgt. Francis “Frankie” Reilly Team: SOCOM Grade/rank: E-7/Master Sergeant Status: Active duty, U.S. Air Force AFSC: Pararescue Hometown: Jersey City, N.J. Events: Cycling, field, swimming, track Frankie joined the service 23 years ago at the suggestion of his father. After 9/11 and several subsequent deployments to Afghanistan, he and his family purchased a home. But then the housing market crashed and he was injured, putting the family under financial duress. Frankie connected with the SOCOM Care Coalition Program, which asked him to participate in activities to help communicate his injuries and financial struggles on a personal level to leadership. He even testified before Congress. The program’s contact asked Frankie to join the SOCOM Warrior Games team as a personal favor in the 2011 games. “I was fighting so hard to get back into my job jumping again,” he recalls. “The Warrior Games and athletic events weren’t on my mind. I wasn’t ready to admit I couldn’t perform my duties at that point; I was in denial.”
“These types of sports allow us to engage as a team and compete, but still touch those areas in a different way.” Yet he agreed to be on the SOCOM team and today the soon-to-be-retired airman just competed in his second Warrior Games. “It’s absolutely essential to have those sports because my job was outdoors, high adventure and a lot of pushing yourself beyond mental and physical capacities. These types of sports allow us to engage as a team and compete, but still touch those areas in a different way.” After the 2011 games, Frankie resumed active duty and assumed a leadership position. After a
22 |
MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • SEPTEMBER 2017 • FACEBOOK.COM/MILITARYSPOUSE
deployment to Turkey, though, he realized he was pushing himself physically and mentally to the point he was having trouble mentally processing and being a good father and husband. “I needed to slow down,” he said. When he got emails from SOCOM about this year’s training camp and Warrior Games, Frankie asked command if he could participate. “I felt guilty asking my command if they minded if I did this,” he said. “It’s not easy to look at your brothers and ask them to carry your weight. Command told me absolutely. They give back to us just as much. They don’t make you feel guilty; I put that on myself. To do things like this is exactly what commanders want and what these programs are designed for. It gives you access to people who are going through similar circumstances.” During the arduous road to recovery, Frankie recommends doing a lot of reflecting and to just breathe. “It’s not if we fall,” he says. “We all fall and we’ll all be tested. It’s those times we’re tested you look inside of yourself and see what kind of heart you had. Those are the moments that define you.” One thing Frankie couldn’t have done without? His family. He describes his wife as his hero. His rock. “My family has seen the worst of me when I’m hurt and mentally challenged,” he says. “They’re the ones who see the damaged human being I am. They had to endure moving and personality changes in me. One day I was super physically fit, very confident and doing a very challenging job. The next day I wake up and I’m a different human being – not whole or complete. I stayed in a hospital for up to two years. It was devastating. My family had to see the change, the anger, the irritability. “They have been supportive and loyal. They stick by me regardless of how I behaved. My wife was the rock of the house. They are my role models and my heroes. They are the true warriors. They are the true patriots. When people thank me for my service I tell them they should thank my family for all the sacrifices and all the things they’ve had to leave. They are the true heroes.” >>
[PHOTO BY GENESIS GOMEZ]
[PHOTO BY EJ HERSOM]
Sgt. 1st Class David luli Team: Army Grade/rank: E-7/Sergeant First Class Status: Veteran MOS: 13B/Cannon Crewmember Hometown: Fullerton, Calif.
[PHOTO BY FRANSICO
ISREAL]
[PHOTO BY GENESIS GOMEZ]
[PHOTO BY NADIA STARK]
[PHOTO BY JUAN MADRIGAL]
Current location: Fredrickson, Wash. Events: Archery, discus, shot put, sitting volleyball
24 |
longer serve because of injuries, it hits emotionally and psychologically. My motivation is to be around for my kids and not find myself in that situation again. This has given me an opportunity to be able to focus my energies into a goal: going to compete. It’s not always the destination. The journey makes it worthwhile for me.” David and his wife, also an Army veteran, have been married for 16 years and have five children now—including a 1-month-old baby. “My kids are my team,” he says. For David and many of his fellow athletes, the Warrior Games is therapeutic, not only physically, but also emotionally. And sometimes the emotional aspect is what is more needed. “Hold on in your recovery,” he says. “Seek help. You have to keep striving to get out of that hole. Sometimes you don’t want to but you have to force yourself up. I had my family and my faith to help me come out of there. Some veterans don’t. Every day you wake up breathing is a better day because your spirit is alive. Three months ago a soldier of mine posted on Facebook another soldier had taken his life. It hit me hard. All I can do is tell my fellow comrades I am here for you. I am here to help in any way. Just hold on.”
MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • SEPTEMBER 2017
[PHOTO BY FRANSICO ISREAL]
When David joined the Army in 1989 he told his mother not to worry; he wouldn’t go to war. Then he found himself in Desert Storm and, later, in the War on Terror. In 2016, he transitioned out of the military because of injuries, including cardiomyopathy, PTSD and knee and ankle injuries, and went through the Warrior Care and Transition program at Joint Base Lewis McChord, where he participated in adaptive sports, leading to going to Warrior Games trials. In 2016, he competed in the games for the first time and made a return appearance this year. David loves competing, but more than that, he loves the camaraderie. “Seeing my teammates again. Being around like-minded people who get my sometimes dark sense of humor. Being part of a team again. Having a group of people who have a sole purpose to compete and do well, and to represent the Army with dignity, honor and pride.” Adaptive sports gave David an outlet. “I was in a really dark place when I was transitioning out and going through PTSD,” he says. “Sometimes I just didn’t want to be here. The people suffering the most are my family. Having done something for nearly 26 years you become somewhat institutionalized. When it gets taken away from you because they tell you that you can no
Staff Sgt. Patricia Reynolds Team: Marine Corps Grade/rank: E-6/Staff Sergeant Status: Active duty, USMC MOS: Radio Chief Hometown: Sikeston, Mo. Current location: Jacksonville, N.C. Events: Shooting, cycling, swimming
[PHOTO BY GENESIS GOMEZ]
Last October, Patricia became involved in a warrior reconditioning program to rehab her injured back. She had never swum before, but chose that as her sport because of its low impact. Early this year the coaches started talking about the Warrior Games trials and said anyone who had the ability to go would. “I was required to participate in two events,” she recalls. “Swimming was my main event and I chose shooting as my second event.” Not expecting much, Patricia ended up leaving trials with three golds, one silver and one bronze. Before going to trials, Patricia heard fellow athletes complain they didn’t want to go. “But going there changed my life,” she says. “I wouldn’t have been able to
do that had I not kept an open mind. You have to be positive in everything you do. For me the turning point was when I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and start working for myself. Without trials, I wouldn’t be the Marine or athlete I am right now. Having confidence and coaches backing you up and rooting for you boosts you. I think it’s all due to having a positive attitude and allowing the people around me to influence my recovery. If you keep a closed mind and don’t let people in, you’re going through it by yourself. There are so many people and resources available. It’s not worth going alone.” Patricia’s family also has been with her every step of the way. The dual active duty couple has an 11- and a 6-year-old daughter. She recalls winning gold in shooting at trials and calling her husband, asking if he had told their daughters yet. He hadn’t because he wanted Patricia to tell them herself. “So he puts me on speakerphone and I tell my kids I won gold,” she says. “My daughter said, ‘Mom, I don’t
know what you’re talking about but you sound so excited and I’m so happy for you.’ Even when they don’t understand what’s going on or exactly how I’m being affected, they support me 100 percent. “My husband and I beat the odds. I don’t know many dual active duty military couples who are still happily married. And we are. We’re just as in love today as we were the day we got married. Probably more so. Having children there is a blessing. I feel blessed to have had them here by my side.” Her beloved family is Patricia’s motivation for pushing through even when it’s hard. “I realize the Marine Corps won’t always be around for me. I’d love for it to be, but it’s not. Every day my family is ultimately what my responsibility is. I have to be strong and set an example for my children and make sure I’m taking care of them. If I didn’t push through I wouldn’t be accomplishing that.” H
FACEBOOK.COM/MILITARYSPOUSE • SEPTEMBER 2017 • MILITARYSPOUSE.COM
| 25
I Promise...
Our Unspoken
Vows
Military life often introduces a unique dynamic, and sometimes strange space, into marriages. We exist and accept that not all our experiences will be shared. By Natalie Hayek, Air Force spouse
At a family reunion several years ago, my uncle asked, “What unspoken vows do you have in your marriage?”
He was referring to the vows that respect each other’s pet peeves, and we all laughed as people shared their promises of keeping the cap on the toothpaste or using separate knives for the peanut butter and jelly. At the time, I’d been married for only a couple of years, and I added that I’d promised not to meddle in my husband’s tools. But over the years, my uncle’s question echoed in my mind. As deployments came and went, I discovered that my unspoken vow was more complex, and in fact, I had more than one. Deployment adds a unique dynamic to military marriages. As Army spouse and 2015 Armed Forces Insurance Military Spouse of the Year® Corie Weathers writes in her memoir, “Sacred Spaces,” “Deployment, by its very nature, creates highly significant yet separate experiences for military couples.” Deployment ushers us into a strange space, asking us to exist without each other and to accept that we can’t share each other’s experiences or even fully understand them. I’ve often thought of it as living parallel lives. Others have thought of it this way, too. Air Force wife Alane Pearce writes of parallel lives in her piece “Committed,” which appears in “Faith Deployed… Again,” and Weathers addresses “gaps” that separate couples in
26 |
“Sacred Spaces.” Surely, more wrestle with this notion in their hearts. However we might term it, the awareness of separateness is a reality in deployment, presenting us with a veritable mountain to climb. Although we’ll encounter tough passes of doubt and aloneness, I believe we have the ability to make it through these obstacles with sure footing. In my own experience, the first step is simple but powerful: I give voice to my unspoken vows.
I PROMISE I WILL LET YOU GO
We all know that prior to deployment, our service members become laserfocused on pre-deployment trainings, preparations and briefings. Like kids on Christmas morning, they sit amidst their gear, organizing, packing, unpacking and repacking. Meanwhile, we file powers of attorney, wills and crisis notification forms. We make arrangements with friends to be the ones we can call in case of an emergency. Suddenly, we realize that we are preparing to be alone. That awareness is grim. It can induce fear, crank our grip tighter and make us ask why. It’s
MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • SEPTEMBER 2017 • FACEBOOK.COM/MILITARYSPOUSE
a force manipulative enough to make us feel left behind. But, the power is within us to pause, take stock and refocus our lens. As I reflected, read and spoke to other spouses, it struck me that by focusing on the aloneness ahead of us, we can set ourselves up for a long, lonely climb. Some spouses recalled that simple expressions of compassion have eased the road toward deployment. Air Force wife Katie Spain, who has been married for four years and faced two deployments, reflects on the difficulty service members must feel being so far removed from their families: “While the military may be their first responsibility, it is not the first priority in their hearts,” she says, “and I can’t imagine the internal conflict being easy to remedy.” Weathers echoes such compassion in her book, when she recalls preparing for a unique experience to accompany former Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter and his staff to visit American personnel deployed to the Middle East. >>
[PHOTO BY FOOTPRINTS PHOTOGRAPHY]
the obstacle he is facing doesn’t let him stop to dwell on his aloneness. A friend once told me that her priest described marriage not as 50-50, but as 100-100. Each spouse must give 100 percent. Never is there a time when this is truer than during deployment. By actively choosing to give 100 percent, I am enabling my husband to do the same.
I PROMISE I WILL SEEK YOU OUT
As she finds herself mirroring her husband’s pre-deployment motions, she realizes that she is also experiencing guilt in leaving her family. Having been in her shoes, her husband empathizes with her position. Weathers describes this interesting role-reversal as an example of the value that spouses’ compassion can have in releasing service members to their mission. “We play an awesome role to love them that way,” Weathers said in a recent interview. “We do have the ability to release the anxiety that they have not chosen deployment over their family.” It seems to me that this compassion releases the military spouse, too, as it eases tension and draws us closer to our service members in a shared experience. It helps us understand that we are not alone in our feelings, it reaffirms our love with our service members and it allows us to approach deployment with clearer sight and firmer footing.
I PROMISE I WILL BE MY BEST FOR YOU
As military spouses, we know that once our service members leave, our role suddenly changes. We go from being part of a pair to being a “Class-B bachelorette” or a “pseudo-single parent.” Whether we dub it “flying solo” or “geo-baching,” no cute new title fills the emptiness left by our service members. The impact of their sudden absence can knock us off balance, making us struggle to find our grip without them. All home front responsibilities immediately fall to us, and it seems that the
28 |
same mystical force visits every household immediately following a service member’s departure, breaking every appliance and infecting every child with the stomach flu. Suddenly, we are swamped trying to work a two-person job, to nurture, discipline, organize, clean, counsel and perform damage control. The sheer magnitude of this responsibility can be overwhelming. This is the time when the feeling of living parallel lives is perhaps the most acute. The sense of separateness is seemingly insurmountable. Personally, I find myself angry with it. Angry with the feeling of separateness. It’s a strange, unwanted feeling to have in a marriage. But it doesn’t have to be so bleak. I believe we have the power to overcome the feeling of separateness, to find an intersection, even when that seems impossible. Reflecting on her experience as a licensed counselor working with military couples, Weathers describes many military spouses as “resilient, positive and resourceful” when going through a deployment. “They push through and make things happen, and grow in their independence,” she says. “And the service members can trust that. It makes for a trusting relationship. They can focus on their mission.” Although deployment changes my role temporarily, I am still married to my husband. Whenever I am overwhelmed, I owe it to him to push forward, because
When our service members return, many of us might feel out of sync as we try to walk in the rhythm of each other’s footsteps again. While we might expect this after so much time apart, we don’t have to accept our separate rhythms as the new normal; it can be our chance to recommit. In these times, Weathers says, “Pursue your spouse.” Army spouse of 16 years and 2015 Fort Huachuca Military Spouse of the Year® Cynthia Giesecke agrees, saying that when couples seek out an “intentional period of reconnection,” they are better able to move forward honestly and lovingly. Just as showing compassion and pushing forward through struggles can draw us closer despite our separateness, purposeful engagement with each other during reintegration can soon align our footsteps. Looking back, I don’t know why I never thought of deployment this way before. This mindset allows me to reach past the anxiety of separateness. It empowers me to pick up the parallel lines and lay them back down across each other. It enables me to stand at the intersection with my husband, give voice to my vows and know that we’re a team that no battle—ever—can separate. H
Natalie Hayek is a freelance writer and an Air Force spouse. She is the author of the blog "Going Placidly" (desideratastories.wordpress.com), which offers positive reflections on military life. Natalie worked for over 10 years in education and family literacy before focusing solely on writing.
MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • SEPTEMBER 2017 • FACEBOOK.COM/MILITARYSPOUSE
[PHOTOS BY THE U.S. NAVY]
We Must Talk About Suicide Although there are no numbers behind it, military family suicide is a very real thing. Talking about it and being open might help curb this devastating occurrence.
By Dr. Ingrid Herrera-Yee, 2014 Armed Forces Insurance National Guard Military Spouse of the Year®
“I felt like I was letting everyone down, and that they would be better off without me.” This was the message that Marie* had playing repeatedly in her head. It was the message that would take her down a dark road that would eventually lead to trying to take her own life. Marie is a military spouse; she has been married to her husband for nine years. In that time, they have been through two combat deployments, two PCS moves and the birth of two children. Like many military spouses, she found herself alone during her pregnancies, even when complications arose. Yet she was able to handle it. She had a strong circle of friends, she kept busy with her job and she enjoyed her time with her children. She felt she had it all together. Until she didn’t. Sadly, the very things that she was once able to take in stride, now suddenly were becoming more and more difficult to handle. Her job felt overwhelming. Her husband being away for training suddenly felt unbearable. Marie felt an overwhelming sense of sadness, she isolated herself and she had trouble
30 |
sleeping. Friends noticed that she wasn’t coming around or communicating as much, but they chalked it up to her being busy with work and the kids. What they didn’t know was that Marie was overwhelmed by dark thoughts that consumed her.
“September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness month. This is a time to talk about suicide and to make others aware of the very real issue of suicide within our military community.” Marie shared, “I felt empty. Broken. Lost. I didn’t know how I was going to make it day to day. Nothing made me happy. Nothing made me feel better, no matter how hard I tried.” Marie stopped going out, she stopped eating regularly, she rarely showered or even bothered to put on makeup. She started missing work so much
MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • SEPTEMBER 2017 • FACEBOOK.COM/MILITARYSPOUSE
that she lost her job. She thought that she was useless as a mother, wife and friend. She thought the world would be better without her in it. One thing became clearer as time went on: She didn’t want to continue to feel the pain that she felt Every. Single. Day. With those thoughts and those struggles came a plan. She would leave the kids with friends, and she would go home and take all of the pills that had been prescribed for her depression. She would go to sleep and never wake up. Nobody knew the pain she hid so well. The pain behind her smile. The pain that came with the weight loss that everyone complimented her on. Nobody knew until that Skype call with her husband. At once, he was alarmed by her appearance. She looked tired, disheveled and sad. Her tears came easily. When she uttered the words that no one wants to hear, “I don’t want to live anymore,” her husband immediately called friends in the area to check on her. >> *Marie is not her actual name
She was unconscious when they found her. She remembers the bitter taste and sting of the charcoal. The worried faces. The emergency flight her husband took from the other side of the world. The guilt. The shame. The fear. All of it. She had survived. Her first thought was that she had failed at suicide, too. Depression is a liar and it told her lies all the time. That she was worthless, that she was better off dead, that everyone would be happier if she was gone. The good news is that she DID survive. She got the help she needed and now Marie shares her story in the hope that she can help another military spouse or another person to call out the lies that depression tells and to get help before it’s too late. Marie shares, “Talking about it, getting help for the way I was feeling, and making a plan for when I started down that dark path…all of that helped me. If I could get better then so can others.” Sadly, Marie’s story is not uncommon. Many in our military community have struggled with thoughts of suicide, or they have even attempted suicide. Still others have taken that final and irreversible step and have died by suicide. Although the statistics for military and veteran suicide are commonly known (on average, one a day for active duty and 20 a day for veterans), no such statistic exists for military family members. In fact, most of the information we have about suicide in military families is anecdotal. Anecdotal or not, the issue is a very real one, as you can tell from Marie’s story. Although we can’t put a number on military family suicide, we know the devastating consequences of losing one of our own. Whether it’s a service member, veteran, a military spouse or a military child, the pain is immeasurable and the loss resonates throughout our community.
32 |
MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • SEPTEMBER 2017
Even though we don’t have the numbers, we’ve heard it talked about in hushed tones within our military community. It’s like a dirty little secret that nobody wants to talk about. Yet, talking about it is exactly what we need to do. Talking is the best way to prevent it, it’s the best way to increase awareness, and the best way to let others know they are not alone. There is help available—and there are stories like Marie’s of life beyond the pain. September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness month. This is a time to talk about suicide and to make others aware of the very real issue of suicide within our military community. Please check on your fellow military spouses and friends. If they suddenly stop coming around, look out of sorts, aren’t eating or sleeping well, or start talking about death, self-harm, or if something just doesn’t feel right, reach out to them. Talk to them; get them help. It’s not intrusive. You could save someone’s life by simply asking the question. Marie shared that if someone had noticed, if someone had reached out, things might not have gone as far. She understands that had things gone wrong, she wouldn’t be here today, enjoying life with her husband and two children, and that help and the support of friends and loved ones make all the difference. If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text the word BRAVE to 741-741. The Military Helpline is also available 24/7 by calling 1-888-457-4838 or by texting MIL1 to 839863. H
Dr. Ingrid Herrera-Yee is a military spouse and a clinical and research psychologist focused on trauma and suicide. She is the founder of Military Spouse Behavioral Health Clinicians, a network that connects military spouse mental health clinicians with information and resources to support their careers in mental health. She was named the 2014 Armed Forces Insurance National Guard Spouse of the Year®, serves on several advisory boards, has been published extensively and has been asked to speak as a subject matter expert on military, veteran and family mental health issues. Currently, she works as a contractor for the Department of Defense supporting the psychological health of service members, veterans and their families.
Advertisement
Money is combustible.
Whether you’ve got a lot or a little, it still carries the potential to singe or even burn relationships to the ground. And it’s not just the big crises that can cause a five-alarm fire. The day-today financial grind can also take its toll on your friends, family and loved ones. Here are four communications strategies for talking about money matters that can dowse the flames before they get out of control.
1
YOUR MARRIAGE
When money is tight, it's easy to play the blame game. Unfortunately, assigning blame won't solve your problem. You signed up 'for better or worse' so why not accept your financial mistakes and move forward to fix them—together? A few ways to do that: Make financial dates. Commit to regular time together, without kids or the distraction of TV, so you can map out your personal financial recovery or a roadmap to achieve your future financial goals. Websites like Mint.com or even your own bank’s offerings may provide valuable assistance in developing and tracking your budget.
Get outside help. If you're really locked into money struggles, a financial planner or a marriage counselor who specializes in financial issues can help you sort out practical solutions and defuse intense emotion. Sometimes three is not a crowd; it’s a necessity!
2
YOUR AGING PARENTS
If you haven't yet had "the talk" about your parents’ money and their futures, now is as good a time as any to broach it. Start slow. Money can be touchy, so tackle other issues first. Ask your parents if they've thought about where they'd like to live if they're less independent in the future, or what their wishes are regarding burial or cremation. If a friend or other loved one dies, that's often a good time to bring up this sensitive topic. Over time, ease into questions about money. Or cut to the chase. If your parents are openly worried about their assets or income, help connect them with good resources. A financial planner, tax professional or elder-law attorney can help your parents evaluate their financial picture and perhaps ease their fears.
3
YOUR KIDS
Many children can sense when something unusual is happening in the family’s financial world. Since they already sense that something is up, be up-front with your children about any changes in your own finances. See this as a teachable moment. Don’t keep the kids in the dark. While they shouldn’t be involved in your financial decision-making, they can be involved in the effort to effectively manage your finances and should have an understanding that money doesn’t grow on trees. Let kids help. Call a family meeting and ask kids to suggest some ways to cut back so they'll feel like part of the team. Share the benefits of shopping with a list with your kids and let them check off items as they go in the cart at the store. Let tweens or teens manage a piece of their own spending, such as clothing, gifts or back-to-school shopping. They quickly become careful spenders when it's their money they're using.
4
YOUR FREESPENDING FRIENDS
Right now, frugal is cooler than it has ever been so it’s easier than ever to work out an alternative to expensive dinners or vacations with friends. If you still have a few clueless pals, it may be time for some straight talk. Decide how much you want to say. You don’t have to bare your financial soul to your friends. However, you can simply say, “We’re tightening our belts right now. Instead of XYZ restaurant, how about a barbecue at our house?” Your friends will understand that the cost is an issue, but you still want to see them. Axe the guilt. If financial difficulties or just a focus on achieving your financial goals results in a little different routine, it’s not a bad thing and shouldn’t carry a stigma. If your friends are truly that they will become accountability partners as opposed to roadblocks to your effort to stay on track. H
Joseph “J.J.” Montanaro is a Certified Financial Planner™ practitioner. J.J. earned his bachelor’s degree in engineering from the United States Military Academy, West Point, N.Y. J.J.’s daily focus has been to help families realize their goals. Outside of work, J.J. enjoys spending time with his wife and three kids. His other interests include running, golfing and reading.
Financial planning services and financial advice provided by USAA Financial Planning Services Insurance Agency, Inc. (known as USAA Financial Insurance Agency in California, License #0E36312), a registered investment adviser and insurance agency and its wholly owned subsidiary, USAA Financial Advisors, Inc., a registered broker dealer. This material is for informational purposes. Consider your own financial circumstances carefully before making a decision and consult with your tax, legal or estate planning professional.
34 |
MILITARYSPOUSE.COM • SEPTEMBER 2017 • FACEBOOK.COM/MILITARYSPOUSE