Natalie Khemlal, “(My) Inner Monologue”

(MY) INNER MONOLOGUE

Natalie Khemlal

January 12th, 2022, Wednesday You are standing at the bus stop. Alone. So far, you’ve lied to your mom about going to the store because the bus was taking forever, even though you purposely let the first one pass you by. You’ve wandered around the treelined neighborhood near your school and walked to the second bus stop down the same block to help yourself feel a little less stupid about looking hopelessly lost. Back at the same bus stop from where you previously stood, you wait. You know this area. So why is it that the most wrenching anxiety has been kicking you in the gut since you heard they were coming to pick you up? You’d think that over the years, you would’ve learned to get used to it, knowing it won’t be going away anytime soon. Your hands are becoming increasingly red and frozen by the minute. Your face is now pale-ish and frigid. Your mask isn’t really helping. Deciding to keep it on anyway, you don’t pity yourself, you’ve learned not to. Waiting was never a specialty of yours, but you remain patient. Something in your black coat, keeping only the upper part of you warm, rings – your phone. The same ringtone you’ve had since 7th grade is going off. You don’t think you will ever change it, considering it’s a piece of nostalgia you have left, often taking it for granted.

Call from: Clyde <3

Answering, on the other line, you hear the sounds of bustling people and other cars and trucks and all sorts of different vehi-

cles passing by. “Where are you guys?” You speak into the phone distressed, forcing your already cold hand to come out of its pocket. Today, school ends at 1:00 in the afternoon. Now it is nearly 2:00. You feel yourself growing tenser by the second. You should have left. You know better. Better enough to know that you should have gone home a long time ago. You are nervous. Almost as if Clyde absorbs your anxiousness through the phone, they tell you that they’re almost there. He hands the phone off to Luna, hoping to help preoccupy you with senseless conversations. Amidst the chatty background, your ears are hinged on the voice of one person, Luna. Knowing Clyde and Luna for nearly five years, you don’t think they’ll ever begin to comprehend how inexpressibly good it feels to know that you have secure people in your life. You’re forever grateful for how they manage to keep you distracted, especially when you need it the most.

* * * * * Wrapping up exchanged conversations filled with a whole ton of nothing, Clyde tells you, “We’ll call you when we get there, my phone’s on nine percent!” “Okay, I’ll wave for you when I see you!” Laughing, you hang up as you wait.

* * * * * After some time, you begin to see someone in a red, comic-looking puffer jacket, along with a red, blue, and green hat. Someone else with a black coat and hair dyed light brown walked alongside them. You know these appearances all too well.

Hand in the air, you begin to wave frantically. You’re met with the most eager faces running towards you, reaching for a warm embrace. You reach back, clasping onto them as if it is the last time you’ll ever see each other, feeling whole again. It’s been too long since you’ve last seen them. You take this moment in. Suddenly you don’t care about how foolish you looked wandering around the neighborhood you think you know too well. Suddenly it’s not a chilly winter day in the middle of January, where your legs are so numb and cold they feel like they could fall off. Suddenly you don’t care about how red or how cold your hands are. Suddenly the most excruciating anxiety hasn’t been eating you alive. Suddenly you are comforted, and suddenly you feel a sense of certainty in life. You feel alright. You are standing at the bus stop, embracing the people you will always love most.

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