pg. 1
Contents
The 24-Hour Plan ................................................................................................................ 3 Spiritual Sponsorship: With or Without Belief .................................................................. 7 My Four Card Trick ............................................................................................................. 9 Agnostic AA 101 ................................................................................................................. 12 (Re)Discovering Myself in Sobriety: Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable ... 18
pg. 2
The 24-Hour Plan By John L.
September 4, 2016
For me the heart of Alcoholics Anonymous has always been the 24-Hour Plan. A day at a time we stay away from the First Drink. I first heard about it as a boy — from my father over the family dinner table. A friend of his had joined AA and described it to him. My father was fascinated by the power and simplicity of the 24-Hour Plan. If you don't pick up the first drink, you can't get drunk — you won't have to struggle against drinking the second, or third, or sixth, or tenth. Years later that boy — I — would almost die from alcoholism, and then recover in the AA Fellowship. In my first year of sobriety in New York City I must have heard thousands of times: “It's the first drink that gets you drunk.” “Don't drink today.” “You don't have to drink.” These are what I needed to hear. Now, since February 1968, about 17,670 days have gone by without my ever picking up the first drink.
pg. 3
Of all the books published by Alcoholics Anonymous, Living Sober is the only one I could recommend. It offers sensible advice on how to lead a good life without alcohol. When Living Sober was published in 1975, I and my fellow freethinkers (yes, there were a number of us) were thrilled to have an official book that described our AA — one written in plain English, free from the moralizing “spirituality” of the Big Book and 12 & 12. After a general introduction, the first two Living Sober chapters are: “Staying away from the first drink” and “Using the 24-hour plan”. In contrast, the Steps are relegated to Chapter 30, where it is suggested that they might be tried; the Steps themselves are neither described nor listed (although they made a comeback in the revised edition of 2012). While other members back then regarded the Steps and Higher Power more favorably than we did, everyone knew about the 24-Hour Plan — if not necessarily by name, at least by the first drink and day at a time elements. The concept of staying away from the first drink goes back at least to the temperance movement of the early 19th century and is prominent in the writings of the Washingtonians in the mid-19th century. However, the first full description of the 24Hour Plan that I've found is in A Manual for Alcoholics Anonymous, published in 1939 or 1940, the first year of AA's existence. (Clarence Snyder organized the first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in Cleveland, Ohio on 11 May 1939.) In the version below I have edited this description slightly for style and coherence and have eliminated gratuitous references to a “Greater Power” and to the Sermon on the Mount: The 24-Hour Plan One of the easiest, most practical ways of keeping sober is the day-by-day plan, the 24-hour plan. Live in today only. Forget yesterday. Do not anticipate tomorrow. You can only live one day at a time, and if you do a good job of that, you will succeed. You are only one drink away from trouble. Whether you have been sober a day, a month, a year or a decade, one single drink is a certain way to go off on a binge or a series of binges. It is the first drink — not the second, fifth or twentieth — that gets you drunk. You know that it is possible to stay sober for 24 hours. You have done it many times. All right. Stay sober for one day at a time. When you get up in the morning make up your mind that you will not take a drink for the entire day. Then go to bed at night, grateful for a day of sobriety. Repeat the performance the next day. And the next. Before you realize it you will have been sober a week, a month, a year. And yet you will have only been sober a day at a time. [Edited by John L. from A Manual for Alcoholics Anonymous (the “Akron Manual”) first published in 1939 or 1940. Found in hindsfoot.org
In my opinion, this statement could appropriately be read or handed out in beginners meetings. It sums up eloquently what I heard in my first year of sobriety in New York City.
pg. 4
Knowledge of the 24-Hour Plan seems to be fading. In the past few years I have informally queried Boston AA members, and found that most of them have never heard of it, although they are familiar with the first drink concept and with “living in the now”. This is cause for concern. There seems to be an inverse relationship between sobriety and “spirituality”, with the latter on the increase. In the past decade I have heard AA fundamentalists apply the expression “dry drunk” to someone who is merely staying away from a drink, but who is not “working” the Steps. A pamphlet from Hazelden proclaims that “dry drunks” lack spirituality. This disparaging of sobriety is not just wrong, but vicious. For recovering alcoholics, sobriety is the most important thing in our lives, because without sobriety there is no life. As a low-bottom drunk physically, I know that picking up the first drink would be signing my death warrant. In the first year of my sobriety, I remember hearing two men in the Perry Street Workshop describe dry drunks they had experienced. Although both of them had solid sobriety, they would sometimes feel drunk, and their coordination would be affected. Their “dry drunks” were entirely physical. After a few hours or a day, the dry drunk would go away and they would be back to normal. In the forty-eight years of my sobriety, I have had dry drunks on perhaps three occasions, and am grateful for the shared experience that informed me what was happening. My last dry drunk was about fifteen years ago, when I was living in Provincetown. In the morning — without warning and for no apparent reason — I felt very drunk. After some confusion I recognized that this was a dry drunk, and decided that I would not drive that day and would have to be careful. Even just walking down hill to the post office I took my time and was unusually cautious crossing the street. By evening the dry drunk was gone. To the best of my knowledge, these dry drunks were not related to anything at all — not weather, situations, psychological states, diet, or anything else. They just happened. Alcoholics Anonymous has always, and rightly, been based on abstinence. There are no chips or medallions for drinking “in moderation”. Unfortunately, AA is currently under attack, not just for things that are wrong and ought to be changed, but for its bedrock principle of abstinence. Although AA abstinence is ostensibly attacked as being rigid or irrational, such criticisms covertly reflect vested interests: the therapy, liquor, or pharmaceutical industries. Some “research” claiming benefits of “moderate drinking” proved to be blatantly fraudulent. (Maltzman, Milam) This is a big topic, which I deal with in two chapters of my book. We have known for two centuries that true alcoholics can only recover through abstinence. In the words of James R. Milam: MYTH: Some alcoholics can learn to drink normally and can continue to drink with no ill effects as long as they limit the amount.
pg. 5
REALITY: Alcoholics can never safely return to drinking because drinking in any amount will sooner or later reactivate their addiction. (Milam and Ketcham)
Total abstinence is foolproof: you can't get drunk if you don't pick up the first drink. You don't need alcohol; you can lead a good life without it. Total abstinence is easier — physically and psychologically. You don't need to count drinks or fight the craving that the first drink reactivates. Total abstinence is cumulative. As the length of sobriety increases, the physical craving for alcohol diminishes and the habits of sobriety grow stronger. Finally, alcoholism causes physical harm. Time and abstinence are necessary for the body to heal itself. Even “moderate” drinking hinders physical recovery. So, the traditional advice to beginners still holds true: “Don't drink. Come to meetings. Help others.” References Alcoholics Anonymous [Barry Leach], Living Sober, 1975. James R. Milam and Katherine Ketcham, Under the Influence, 1981. Irving Maltzman, “The Winter Of Scholarly Science Journals”. James R. Milam, “An Open Letter To All Concerned With The Drug-Crime Epidemic”.
About the Author, John L. John was born and raised in Nebraska. He attended Harvard College (AB 1963), majoring in Social Relations (Sociology, Anthropology and Psychology). In New York City he worked as a market research executive, writing on the side. He was in the antiwar movement since 1965 and the gay liberation movement since July 1969. He founded Pagan Press in 1982. For a decade, beginning in 1985, John was a leading writer for the New York Native, which was then the foremost gay paper. He has twelve books to his credit. John dates his alcoholism from his first bender in 1958 to his last drink in 1968. He considers himself a loyal, but by no means uncritical, member of A. John now lives in Dorchester, Massachusetts.
pg. 6
Spiritual Sponsorship: With or Without Belief By Ashely H. September 11, 2016 “Hit your knees every morning, let go and let God, pray when you wake up and before you go to sleep at night…” Being in southern, Bible-belt country, Alcoholics Anonymous meetings it seemed like every potential sponsor had the same initial script. When I would ask, “What if I don’t believe in a God?” their response would always be something along the lines of, “Just believe that I believe, keep searching and you will be contacted, how can you not believe when you’re such a miracle?” There were a few with more openminded answers like, “Use the group as your higher power, your higher power is anything that’s greater than you, use a doorknob.” (The doorknob answer would always get a lot of flak from the rooms, mostly in the form of laughter, sometimes a little
pg. 7
aggravation at the nonsensical idea.) While I appreciated the alternatives, I still felt like an outcast and that I had to change to really belong here. At the point of true desperation and detestation of how my life currently existed, I stuck around and grabbed a sponsor that was as close to a real hippie as I could find. She wore a lot of bright colors and jean jackets, lived at the beach, and just had a mellow, smoothness about her. She also helped me through the steps, with my version of a higher power at the time, which was nature. This idea she could get behind, because she too spent a great deal reveling in the outdoors. This woman truly did not care about my conception of my higher power, just that it worked for me. She provided hope and a feeling of belonging that I hadn’t yet found and with that I found myself able to share my experience more openly. I shared freely in meetings from day one, just because I needed the attention I think, but when I had more sobriety time I noticed people actually listening more. The introduction to my shares became, “Hi, I’m Ashley and I’m an alcoholic, I’m also your friendly, neighborhood agnostic.” There were always those “You’ll never stay sober without God!” people, but I just smiled and made a firm resolve to “keep coming back” to show others my path. After a year of sobriety, I picked up my first sponsee, and she held Christian beliefs and had no issue with the “G-word” like I did in the beginning. Funny enough, we worked the steps just how the book instructs. We prayed the third step prayer, we discussed the plan that God has for her life, and we worked on trusting her God during any challenging times. Later in my recovery, about three years in, I had a young lady ask me to sponsor her that is a Buddhist. She struggled with typical meetings because she did not believe in a creator and got tired of hearing that “prayer and God will do for you what you cannot do for yourself.” We worked through the traditional steps, but the higher power changed. We focused on the collective consciousness of the group and her higher, sober self. The point is, my experience shows that my beliefs should never get in the way of me helping someone else. It is my responsibility to keep my hand outstretched to anyone reaching for sobriety, no matter our apparent differences we are still the same. I remember when I first found an agnostic meeting. There was no bashing of traditional AA meetings (because we are an AA group), just open speech about beliefs, disbeliefs, and how to deal with alcoholism on a behavior-based level. We have Christians, atheists, agnostics, Buddhists, all types join us Saturday mornings and it has given my recovery the momentum it needed. I strive for acceptance of all kinds and I’ve found that’s the best way to grow and learn about myself and my recovery.
About the Author, Ashley H. Ashley serves as the WAAFT intergroup representative and has been with the group a little after its founding. She obtained her master's in clinical mental health counseling and her passion is helping others find a better way of life, whatever that may mean to
pg. 8
them. She is also a recovering Catholic and now lives a more Buddhist-based spiritual life filled with nature and meditation. Ashley lives in Jacksonville, Florida.
My Four Card Trick By Laurie A.
September 11, ,2016 When I plucked up courage to phone a man and ask him to be my sponsor, there was a long pause. I thought, ‘Oh dear, he’s going to say no.’ But finally he said, ‘It would be a privilege, thanks for asking me. Just remember one thing – you will help me as much or more than I can help you.’ I’d heard him share at meetings and there was a calmness and quiet confidence about him which I ached for. I was only a few weeks sober and in emotional turmoil, racked by neurotic, skin-crawling anxiety which kept me awake at night. I needed help. My first sponsor assured me that all would be well, as long as I stayed sober. Life might not go according to my script but I would receive the power to cope with any problem.
pg. 9
Driving home with him after a meeting one night, I was telling him about yet another apparently insuperable dilemma. As I got out of the car he said, ‘Ah well, whatever you do it’ll be OK’, and drove off into the night. How could that be right? Whatever I do? Even if I get something horribly wrong? It was only later that I realised that what he meant was, everything would be OK – as long as I didn’t drink on it. I’ve had three sponsors and each has helped me to stay sober. The first one moved away so I asked another man to take me on. Sadly he drank again. My current sponsor has become one of those ‘lifelong friends’ which the Big Book says we will make in AA. The psychiatrist M. Scott Peck wrote, ‘There is something of a tradition in 12 Step programmes that it is OK to outgrow your sponsor. And in this respect I believe the sponsor system superior to traditional therapy. It’s considered normal to go to your sponsor and say, “Look, I’m really grateful for the help you’ve given me, but I think at this point I’m ready for a more sophisticated sponsor.” And the sponsor is likely to say, “I couldn’t agree with you more and I’m delighted that I’ve been able to help you and that you’ve come this far.” There are not many psychiatrists who would take as kindly to their patients’ outgrowing them.’ Over 31 years in AA I’ve been privileged to sponsor a number of men and a few have ‘sacked’ me because I didn’t shape up! The pamphlet Sponsorship: your questions answered (available from GSO) describes ‘firm sponsorship (“tough love”)’ and ‘a more casual attitude’. I’ve tried both approaches. I was so desperately anxious that my first ‘sponsee’ should stay sober that I was on his case the whole time. He seemed to be doing well but then he phoned me from a pub and said he was drinking; I broke down in tears. Another chap was an atheist and could not accept Step Three. I repeatedly cajoled and encouraged him to keep an open mind and late one night thought I’d achieved a massive breakthrough after talking myself hoarse discussing a Higher Power, a Power greater than ourselves, God as we understand Him. Finally I said, ‘Look, all you have to do is say, “I turn over my will and life to the care of God.” That is all you have to do to make a start on Step Three.’ There was a long silence then in a quavering voice he whispered, ‘I turn over my will and life to the care of God.’ I punched the air and mouthed ‘Yes!’ to myself. Three weeks later he drank again – he hadn’t even taken Step One. He phoned me a few years later and said he was in a halfway house after coming out of a treatment centre. He was some months sober and thanked me for my help in the early days, so as AA co-founder Bill W. wrote, ‘Nothing is wasted in God’s economy.’ For other early prospects, dragging their feet over Step Four, I used to take the four of hearts, diamonds, clubs or spades from a pack of cards and post it to them in an envelope with no covering note. Some took the hint, others didn’t! I was so laid back sometimes as to be horizontal and one man said he needed a more assertive sponsor to give him firm direction so was moving on. I thanked him for helping me to stay sober. Another time I decided to give a sponsee the benefit of my wisdom over his relationship and my advice just made things worse. I felt hurt and guilty, but as the AA Preamble says, my primary purpose is to stay sober myself and, as far as I can, try to help others to achieve sobriety – but they have to do the achieving, as
pg. 10
I did and do; it is not my responsibility as a sponsor to get or keep someone else sober or to solve all their problems; that’s their job. From time to time someone will ask me to ‘take them through the Big Book’. But I don’t know how to do it. If people can read they’re quite capable of taking themselves through the Book and if they can’t read for some reason they can listen to the Book on a CD or download it from the web. The Big Book speaks for itself – there’s nothing between the lines. Bill W. said ‘Every AA has the privilege of interpreting the programme according to his or her own outlook.’ (As Bill Sees It); I’m not some AA super guru to tell someone else what the Book means. I believe my responsibility as a sponsor is to encourage someone to live their own way through the programme, not to try to run their lives for them. Occasionally I’m asked about prescribed medication and I say they should discuss that with their doctor, not me. The pamphlet on sponsorship says, ‘Some sponsors talk about the programme in a more spiritual way than others do. However, the sponsor points out that it is up to each newcomer to determine what that AA phrase, a Power greater than ourselves means.’ Among others, I’ve sponsored a Catholic priest, a Jew and a bornagain evangelical Christian. I’m an agnostic but I don’t discuss religious doctrine, what Bill W. called ‘theological abstractions’, with those I’m trying to help. I’ve been privileged to sponsor some wonderful people, many of whom are now firm friends, but as the pamphlet points out, ‘It is the AA 12 Step recovery programme – not the sponsor’s personality or position – that is important. Thus the newcomer learns to lean on the programme, not on the sponsor.’ Copyright © Share Magazine. Reprinted with permission.
About the Author, Laurie A. Laurie A. is a retired national newspaper and BBC journalist in the UK. His sobriety date is 8/10/84. He served on the Great Britain AA literature committee and edited Share, the British fellowship’s national magazine, and Share and Share Alike, a book celebrating 60 years of AA in Britain in 2007.
pg. 11
Agnostic AA 101 By Ed W. September 18, 2016 Before we even decide on what we call ourselves (‘Agnostic’, ‘Secular’, ‘WAAFT’, ‘NoPrayer’, etc.), we should also agree upon what exactly makes an AA group or meeting ‘one of ours’... And yes, we should agree on a name too. “We want to talk right down to earth in a language that everybody here can easily understand.” —Malcolm X
Hi, my name is Ed and I’m an alcoholic. To the other sober alcoholics reading this, my story is probably much like any other drunk’s at its core. Rather than open with a drunka-log, I will simply state that I have over two years fully clean and sober and helped start an Agnostic AA group that many people have told me has the best AA group name ever.
pg. 12
As the WAAFT International AA Convention nears, there is a lot of talk about what “Secular AA” is and isn’t about – reflecting minor differences of opinions amongst us like-minded drunks. There have been many articles and posts that have explored this topic. Today, I just want to focus on what actually makes an AA meeting “Agnostic” – the baseline format that I believe most WAAFT meetings already embody. This may seem obvious to members like myself who attend regularly. Yet this may not be so for newcomers, traditional AA’s, or those still suffering. These folks may want or need to know more about what we are. None of the criteria I put forward is meant to supersede or subvert AA’s primary purpose: “To carry its message,” etc. We are still AA and we adhere to many if not all of the Twelve Traditions. We just have a slightly different format that arguably makes it more feasible to carry that message to drunks who stay away from AA for reasons of belief or conscience. I use the terms “agnostic,” “secular,” “freethinking,” etc., interchangeably here. I will close with my suggestion for the umbrella term we should use going forward. Plus (the standard disclaimer): I do not speak for AA; my opinions are mine alone. The Three Criteria These are the three criteria that I believe, through experience and observation, make up the sine qua non of a Freethinkers’ AA group: 1. “A Tradition of Free Expression” Many agnostic groups beginning of most meetings with this statement that is read usually before or after the AA Preamble: This group of AA attempts to maintain a tradition of free expression, and conduct a meeting where alcoholics may feel free to express any doubts or disbeliefs they may have, and to share their own personal form of spiritual experience, their search for it, or their rejection of it. We do not endorse or oppose any form of religion or atheism. Our only wish is to assure suffering alcoholics that they can find sobriety in AA without having to accept anyone else’s beliefs or having to deny their own. Source: Agnostic AA NYC Some call this the “Agnostic Preamble.” I prefer to call it the “mission statement” or “sub-preamble” to avoid confusion. It expresses what I believe to be already an unwritten rule in any AA meeting: “You can say whatever the heck you want!”
pg. 13
However, this rule is enforced as best as any unwritten rule: many meetings do, but just as many don’t. What you say at a regular AA meeting could draw the ire of the Unsolicited Advice Brigade (the “U.A.B.SM”), that secret society within AA who likes to dictate to you how you should run your program according to their standards. You may get out of the meeting alive, but be prepared to run the gauntlet of pointing fingers afterward, or worse, the cold shoulder, for espousing certain ideas or beliefs. Thus, our “sub-preamble” effectively codifies this rule, putting everyone on notice that the meeting is a completely safe space to share about anything and everything: God, not-god, Steps, no-Steps, Traditions, drugs, psychology, resentments, other groups, even AA itself … the list goes on. So long as there is no crosstalk or disruptive behavior involved, no topic is taboo or off-limits. The tradition of free expression is also here for any believers in our rooms. I know a few people who have God or a “Higher Power” in their program, yet they also prefer agnostic meetings. For them, God may not be the problem. Their “doubts or disbeliefs” in AA may lie with their overbearing sponsors, run-ins with U.A.B.SM, Bill Wilson’s arguably chauvinistic prose, an overuse of slogans, groups that close only with the Lord’s prayer, etc. They delight in the freedom of thought and open-mindedness we engender. For whatever reasons alcoholics find WAAFT meetings, this tradition helps welcome them all. It is AA in its freest form. 2. A De-emphasis on Traditional “God-based” AA Literature I’m guessing that “God as we understood Him” was the most forward-thinking the language could be in 1939. Since then, fellows like Jim B. and others have been helping widen that gateway further. However, even if attitudes evolve, it is unlikely the literature will change anytime soon. Between the “Big Book” and the “12 and 12” combined, the word “God” appears 298 times; “Higher Power” pops up 23 times. Between the “We Agnostics” chapter and the “suggested” prayers throughout, the prose and spirit of this literature just doesn’t resonate with or help many of us.
pg. 14
So, we keep all that “on the shelf.” You won’t find many agnostic “Big Book” or “Step” meetings out there. The best “Conference-approved” option we have is Living Sober, which seems to be the defacto literature of choice at Secular meetings. It is important to note that we respect any alcoholic or group who wants to use “Big Book” and the “12 & 12” in their recovery. For many of us, it is just not our cup of tea. The stories we share in the meetings themselves is what keeps many of us sober. I won’t address whether “outside,” “alternative,” and/or “non-conference-approved” literature has any place in an AA meeting, as that is a whole topic unto itself. 3. No Prayers During the Meeting Most importantly, so that all may feel comfortable regardless of one’s faith, conscience, belief, or lack of any of these, our groups do not open or close our meetings with a group prayer. Not the Lord’s Prayer. Not the Serenity Prayer. Not any prayer at all. If our meetings close with any sort of individual or group invocation, we usually read the AA Responsibility Declaration: “I am responsible: When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that, I am responsible.” Adopted in 1965 at the Thirtieth International AA Convention in Toronto, this invocation has a distinction that neither the Lord’s Prayer nor the Serenity Prayer can claim: It was written by AA, for AA. Many groups also join hands at the end and recite the AA slogan: “Live and Let Live!” Together, these statements remind us that we are here to help others as well as ourselves. They evoke the essence of love and service in our Fellowship. Some meetings have no closing statement or invocation whatsoever… and that’s okay too. These criteria are not a strict syllabus dictating how any secular group should format their meetings. Like all decisions, that is up to each group’s conscience. What I’ve written here is just a suggestion. If you are interested in starting a WAAFT-style meeting in your neck of the woods, check out this Agnostic meeting script library.
pg. 15
The Name for It All So what’s my suggestion for an ultimate name for this format, this approach to recovery, and these AA group and meetings? “No-Prayer” AA Even though they may have become AA terms-of-art in their own right, the terms “agnostic,” “atheist,” “humanists,” “freethinker,” etc. still connote a focus on the particular identities and beliefs of the attendees. What about Buddhists, Wiccans, NewAgers, and open-minded believers in god who like our style of recovery? Will we need to amend the “WAAFT” moniker to “WAAFTBWNAOMB” one day? Clearly not. But then how does our name reflect that we are inclusive to all alcoholics? The term “No-Prayer” puts the focus on our format, not on us. It’s not about so much about who we are. It’s more about what we do at our meetings. I am also mindful that “No-Prayer” defines us more as what we are not doing at meetings, rather than what we are doing. I originally thought these should be called “free-expression/no-prayer” meetings, but that’s too long. In essence, what we are doing is no different from the rest of AA: getting sober. It’s just a question of “How?” The “No-Prayer” format is a clear and concise answer to that question. It’s something we can all agree upon: that we don’t engage in group prayer at our meetings. So let’s agree upon it as our overall moniker. Finally, The Long Form Third Tradition states “Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an AA group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation.” (emphasis added) Identifying ourselves as “agnostic,” “secular,” etc., could be construed as identifying with our beliefs as separate affiliations outside of AA. Whether or not this is actually the case, or a violation of any Tradition, is less important than the optics it presents. If we have learned anything from the “Toronto Situation,” it is that a perceived controversy can become a real controversy, especially in the eyes of our fellow alcoholics. “No-Prayer” is an intellectually honest, wholly inclusive, and politically expedient description of our fledgling tribe of drunks, and our approach to recovery. I am grateful to the No-Prayer group and AA as a whole for helping me stay sober and be of service to others. Thank you for reading my share. Keep coming back.
pg. 16
About the Author, Ed W. Ed regularly attends This Ungodly Hour in Brooklyn, New York. He kindly suggests you drop by if you’re ever up really late on a Friday Night in Williamsburg and looking for a meeting. Carl G. contributed to this article.
pg. 17
(Re)Discovering Myself in Sobriety: Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable By Julie B
September 25, 2016 “I feel like a baby bird,” I said during a meeting when I was newly sober. I felt shaky and unsure of myself and like I didn’t know how to do anything as a sober person. I was happy to no longer be a slave to my addiction, but I also had no idea who I was anymore, or how to function in the world as “Sober Julie.” It had taken me a long time to attain sobriety, but once I’d managed to string a few sober days together, I kept going.
pg. 18
Throughout the process, I recall feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, all the time. One day in a women’s group I was attending, someone asked, “So, we’re just supposed to learn how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable?” and the answer was “Yes.” With that in mind, I set out to do just that, and eventually I started to feel less and less discomfort. So what did I do exactly? Well, the first thing was coming to believe that I deserved a good life in sobriety, even at the times when all I wanted was to run away and escape from reality. I decided to fake it ‘til I made it. Now that I was sober, I could read books again— something I’d been unable to do while drinking daily. I found I had a lot of free time, and no social life in early sobriety, so I spent my time researching how addiction affects the brain. Going to the library regularly also helped me to start socializing with people, even if it was just a short exchange with the librarian while checking out my books. It gave me a small sense of purpose each day, which helped me to keep going. In my research on addiction, I learned that I didn’t need to believe that AA or sobriety would work for me; I just had to act as if they would, and do the work. My brain would catch up with the idea later. I sometimes thought that I was on that classic “opposite” episode of Seinfeld— at every opportunity I would just do the opposite of what I would normally do, since what I’d been doing in the past was definitely not working in my favor. At the time, I didn’t believe that this approach would work, but now that I’m approaching my fifth year in sobriety, I can see that it helped me to stay on track, especially in the beginning of my journey. The next thing I did was to utilize my support system. I attended Agnostic AA meetings regularly, and mostly listened to what other people were doing to support themselves in sobriety. I met people and went for coffee after the meeting. I noticed that I felt almost comfortable in those few hours I spent in the company of fellow recovering alcoholics. I also attended groups at my local mental health center. If there was a group offered, I attended it. This helped me to get out of the house and learn how to interact with other people again. Throughout my addiction, I spent most of my time drinking alone at home. I had an addiction doctor, an addiction therapist and a cognitive behavioral therapist. I attended a mindfulness meditation group as well. I learned how to sit through a feeling or a craving and let it pass. This was excruciating at first— I felt like I wanted to jump out of my own skin— but I kept trying and eventually it became easier. Today it’s automatic.
pg. 19
Physically, I was not in good shape. I was underweight from not eating, and also bloated from all the alcohol I’d been consuming. I had to learn about nutrition and actually plan my meals and snacks in advance so I wouldn’t let myself starve while I was trying to figure out what to eat. I couldn’t sleep at night, and when I did fall asleep, I had difficulty waking up at a reasonable hour. To help, I developed some sleep hygiene rituals. I went to bed at the same time every night, ate a snack of carbohydrates and had an herbal tea before bed. It took a while to get my sleep regulated, but with the help of some meditation techniques, I eventually developed regular sleeping habits. This might sound like a lot of effort, and it may seem overwhelming to someone in early sobriety, but none of this happened overnight. There were long periods of time when the only thing I accomplished during the day other than eating, was taking a shower and getting dressed. I actually had to write “take a shower” on my to-do list and talk myself into it on many occasions. I told myself to just “do the next right thing” about a thousand times, and that helped me to bathe, dress and feed myself every day. I felt like a loser who had to learn how to do everything over again from scratch. But I remembered that I’d done it before when I broke both my legs in a car accident when I was 15 years old and had to learn how to walk all over again. I remember that first step I took after spending a month in the hospital. I moved my foot about an inch, put my weight on it, and then fainted from the effort. But I was walking around the halls of the hospital within a week or two. What I learned was that the first steps are the hardest, and if I kept going, things would get easier. I also had to learn how to have compassion for myself. I was not a loser who couldn’t get it together enough to take a shower—I was a person who was doing a lot of work to constantly fight an addiction in order to have a better life. All the work that was going on behind the scenes (in my brain and body) was exhausting, but I could already see how my life was changing in small ways over time. After I’d (more or less) mastered bathing, dressing and eating on a daily basis, I delved into some deeper interpersonal work. I’d spent the greater part of my life in a drunken haze, and now that I was sober, I had no idea who I was, what I liked, or what I wanted to do with my life. I started by making a list of things I liked to do as a child and what I would like to try out now. I thought of it as an experiment in discovering myself, my likes and my dislikes, without judgement. I decided I would try things that I was interested in, and if it turned out that it wasn’t for me, I would move on to the next item on my list. For example, I tried knitting, and although it helped me to pass the time, I discovered that I didn’t like it, so I stopped halfway through my project. I tried gardening, and joined a garden sharing group. I found I enjoyed gardening immensely, and I’ve continued to do it for the past 5 years. Other things on my list that I’m still doing are performing stand-up comedy, and going to university. All of this self-discovery was not easy. I was scared to be part of a community, I was intimidated by learning new skills, but I kept at it, and it became easier every time I
pg. 20
tried something new. I’m sure that anything I do to embarrass myself in sobriety is not half as bad as the things I did when I was drinking. I guess the difference now is that I can’t blame it on the booze. One tool that helped me to become more comfortable was reading the book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, by Susan Jeffers. I learned that it’s not the end of the world to make a mistake, and I can be afraid, but keep going anyway. So far, none of my fears about trying new things have come to pass. The worst that has happened was that I was bored at some workshops and I left early. I’m now the type of person who will say “yes” to all sorts of things. I’ve traveled to Belize, been interviewed about my garden for the local newspaper, and have received numerous scholarships and awards at school. Living a sober life has given me options and choices. I enjoy the freedom to make my own choices about how I’m going to live my life. I now look forward to every new experience I encounter. As I get older, I notice that new experiences are not as common as they were in my youth, and I’m grateful to be awake to my own life and fully alive. Alcohol was killing me physically, mentally and emotionally. I may make mistakes or feel awkward at times, but one thing I know for sure is that I never want to be a slave to a substance again. I may have felt like a baby bird in early sobriety, but the thing about baby birds is that they grow up, and learn to soar through the skies.
About the Author, Julie B. Julie B. recently celebrated 5 years of sobriety, is finally finishing her undergraduate degree, and is active in Toronto's Indigenous community. She believes in the power of story as a tool to help people connect and recover from addiction. Her story has been published in Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA. She enjoys spending time with her two cats, gardening, and taking hilarious photos of chipmunks.
pg. 21