To Hell And Back: Heroin And Recovery by Aaron Emerson

To Hell And Back: Heroin And Recovery By Aaron Emerson

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Acknowledgements Intro Chapter 1: Using and Abusing Chapter 2: “Cheaper And Better” Chapter 3: Heroin, More Heroin Chapter 4: Ingham County Jail Chapter 5: Second Chance Chapter 6: Consequences Chapter 7: Chaos Chapter 8: A Sliver Of Hope Chapter 9: Familiar Roads Chapter 10: Another Intake Chapter 11: Another Discharge Chapter 12: Breakthrough Chapter 13: So Close Chapter 14: But Still So Far Chapter 15: Phil Chapter 16: Miracles Chapter 17: Alison Chapter 18: Mason Today Chapter 19: Making A Difference Chapter 20: It’s Time To Celebrate Blogs in Recovery About The Author

Acknowledgements

This book is dedicated to all of the individuals who have lost their battle with addiction, as well as their family members who are picking up the pieces on a daily basis.

I would like to give a special thank you to my family and friends that make up my support system. Many people have played roles in helping me get to where I am today, but specifically: Phil Pavona, Dr. Deb Smith, Joe Lowe, Josh Gibbs, Lance C, Kirk B, and Frank D.

And last but not least, my family: Alison, Melody, Mom, Dad, Andy, David, Sarah, Nettie, Carley and Joe.

A more specific thank you is owed to Brian Griffin, who illustrated and designed my EBook cover. You have also been an inspiration in my walk with God.

Intro

I have always had a love for writing. Ever since I can recall, being able to put my thoughts onto paper was something I not only loved doing, but something that empowered me. The first time I ever journaled was in about the fifth grade, a little booklet that I used to jot down my thoughts about pretty girls and football games.

That journal ended up being discovered by my Dad and ceased to exist when my parents brought me into my Dad’s office and asked why I was using a notebook to write about my desire to kiss some hot girl that was like 10 years older than me.

The next time I journaled was roughly seven years later when I was serving time in a juvenile jail facility. I was sent to this facility, called Wolverine Secure Treatment Center, because I was a repeat juvenile offender and had a history of running from the police and various rehabs.

They knew if they had sent me to a juvenile that was not secure, I probably would’ve walked out. But there was a shortage of lock down facilities for juveniles in Michigan, so I was sentenced to Wolverine, located in Saginaw, to get “help.” It turned out to be a place full of gangs, drugs, and fist fights.

At Wolverine, I was one of the only white kids in a place dominated by innercity kids from Detroit. Once you walked in the doors, there were three choices: join one of two gangs (bloods or gangster disciples) or to serve your time without any protection. If the staff or security at Wolverine found you were partaking in gang activity, they would add on another 36 months to your stay, so I chose to remain an outcast and use my fists if the opportunity arose.

It turned out I only had to use my hands to settle a situation one time and I was out of Wolverine in nine months. While in Wolverine, I had no friends and could relate to absolutely nobody in the facility besides one other white kid that used to get pills smuggled into the facility through his Dad at visitations. My days were spent depressed, angry, and scared. The only outlet I had for all of this pent up emotion was my journal, and I wrote in it just about every day.

After getting out of Wolverine, I was on strict probation for a couple months. That meant I wasn’t able to get high on anything that would show up on a five panel drug test. So I 6

turned to liquor and started drinking vodka every day with my best friend at the time, a tall kid named Chaz that was half hispanic, half white.

Chaz’s dad passed away when he was in middle school, and that led to him becoming a troubled kid. I met Chaz in 10th grade when I was going through a troubled time of my own, as I was still dealing with the firing of my Dad. My Dad is a minister and my family and I grew up in the same church my whole life, living in a house right next to it.

After he was fired, we had to move out of my childhood home and live with a church family, Brian and Debbie Galloway, whose daughter Nettie also happened to be married to my brother Andy. Though I love the Galloways and they had a beautiful house, it was embarrassing and sad.

Chaz and I shared our common bond of teenage grief and combined it with our newfound passion: drugs. We became so close we were practically brothers, smoking weed every day, drinking a lot of alcohol, and experimenting with every drug we could get our hands on.

So after my Wolverine stay, the thrill of liquor eventually got old and we made a joint decision to save up money, buy a half pound of weed, and try to make some cash by selling weed. We did alright, eventually selling about a quarter pound every few days, mostly to kids we went to school with in Mason, a small town outside of the suburbs of Lansing, the capital of Michigan. That lasted about two months and was halted by the Mason Police, who busted us while we were about to make a sale at a local park (we weren’t the smartest marijuana sellers in the world).

While on bond for that felony, I picked up another charge in my reckless life that was quickly falling apart. Drugs had already done me a lot of damage, but I could not escape the chains they had me bound to.

Facing two different charges, I was looking at some time in prison. At the first hearing at Circuit Court in Lansing, the prosecutor offered my lawyer and I a plea deal that would’ve put me away for a couple of years. Ingham County was sick of me appearing before them so much and it had to appear in their eyes that I had no will to change my ways.

Realizing the court was trying to put me away instead of offering help, my parents and a couple loved ones forked out some money for a decent attorney. 7

After several months of back and forth talks between my new lawyer and the prosecutor, they finally reached a deal. I plead guilty and served a total of 10 months in jail. I was eventually released with strict probation but no help offered. My addiction to pills, alcohol, and weed was not being treated and I didn’t have the desire to seek out help for myself. It would get worse, the drugs would get harder, and my life would almost be cut short.

Here is my story, told by some of the journals I wrote during my addiction and recovery attempts.

*Notes: These are journal entries copied exactly how they were written at the time. Any grammar mistakes were not corrected in hopes of portraying the identical writing of the author.

Several names in here have been changed to protect the reputation of those who did not give permission to be mentioned in the book. That is the only change from the author’s entries.

Chapter 1: Using and Abusing

March 22, 2010 Wow, I had a busy day today. I’m really tired. Right when I woke up I went and did community service for my probation. I picked up trash at local church in Lansing and went inside to help an old lady there do some things around the building. They are nice people. My mom picked me up around 3:30 and we went straight to ADAM where I passed my drug test! Three for three!

March 25, 2010 I’m doing alright tonight. I’m watching the Sweet 16. Kansas State and Xavier are in overtime. I’m in a pretty good mood, though. I smoked some K2 and that really relaxed me. I can’t smoke weed because of my probation but K2 gives you the same high. These crazy scientist designers just created K2 last year because it doesn’t show up in drug screens, but it gets you high sort of similar to weed. The government is trying to ban it. Tomorrow I have to go help paint an orphanage by Jackson for my community service. Then around 7 I’m going to Mason High School’s talent show called Indoles. Sarah is singing in it. I’m really tired now and just took some clonidine. I hung out with Andrew for a while. We went to Krazy Katz in East Lansing and got some more K2. I love East Lansing.

March 26, 2010 I had a very long day. It had its ups and downs. I went down to Jackson to continue painting the orphanage. I didn’t like the painting but it was nice to go and get a tour of the place. I really feel bad for those kids. After I got back I hung out with Marcos. We went to the Lansing Mall and then went to Hooters with a couple of his friends. We ordered some wings and watched Michigan State beat Northern Iowa to advance to the Elite 8. Never doubt Tom Izzo in the tournament.

March 30, 2010 Today was not the best of days. I had to wake up early to go report to my probation officer, Brad. After that I just sat around until my friend Steve picked me up and took me to Krazy Katz. I smoked some K2 and that’s when my depression finally went away. I did get to spend some time with my brother Andy and his wife Nettie and their girls. 9

Andy just turned 27. Life goes by so damn fast. After that, though, I got severely depressed again. I hate being on probation. I want to get high, and on more than just K2. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

April 15, 2010 I haven’t written in a while. A lot has happened since my last entry. My mood has been bad and I started taking Suboxone with Andrew. Suboxone is the closest I can get to a great high without dropping dirty. I’m regretting it, though. I really need to stop all the drugs and alcohol but it’s all I’ve known for the last four years. What is my life without them?

April 19, 2010 Today was the worst day I’ve had in a long time. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t wake up until 2 and I skipped my community service. I took a full Suboxone, not only half of an 8 milligram pill like I’ve been taking, and I said a lot of things I didn’t mean. I walked away from my Mom and had my mind set on getting high. I was just so down, and when I get the urge to get high, it’s like a monster just takes control of my mind, my heart, and my whole body. I need to learn how to say no and control my moods but it’s literally almost impossible.

Chapter 2: “Cheaper And Better”

June 1, 2010 I reported to my probation officer today and it didn’t go well at all. He informed me I’ll be going to court in the morning because I violated my probation. My community service hours were short and I haven’t been going to mandatory AA meetings. I also dropped dirty for opiates. I started getting into heroin because it’s so much cheaper than pills and it provides a more potent high than Suboxone, Oxycontin or Vicodin. I got back into Oxys about a month ago and got hooked. I was able to somehow dodge the drug screens until now but then I sort of gave up trying because I started having withdrawals. The first time I did heroin was with Chaz in the back seat of his friend’s car. It was literally the best feeling in the world. I didn’t want to inject it but they told me if they did it for me I wouldn’t feel a thing. They were right. I turned my head when they put the needle in, and in three seconds I was experiencing the deepest, warmest, most euphoric sensation I could have ever even imagined. I already want to do it again.

June 2, 2010 I’ve had a pretty crazy day. I had court this morning and got sentenced to a weekend in jail. Judge Giddings was not happy. I do the weekend jail time from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. I need to get my shit together. I’m heading down this alltoo familiar path and I can’t stop it. I want to get a job and get away from this stupid life but I can’t be happy without these highs.

June 15, 2010 OH MY GOD. I just found out life changing news. I’m going to be a father. I recently found out this girl I hung out with a while back is pregnant, and apparently it’s my child. I didn’t even hear it from her. Her cousin messaged me on Facebook and told me she felt like I deserved to know. The Mom’s name is Aaliyah, and she’s been trying to avoid telling me. She thinks I am too out of control to be a Dad. I can’t really blame her for that but I still have a right to know. She is already a couple months along! It hasn’t even clicked yet. I am in shock. I can’t be a Dad. I can’t even take care of my own self. I will never abandon a child, but I don’t have a job and I’m addicted to drugs.

Chapter 3: Heroin, More Heroin

November 1, 2010 Hey journal. I’m back. It’s been a few months since I last wrote in here and the majority of it was spent either in the Ingham County Jail or high on heroin. I don’t know when I wrote last, but I started getting into heroin a lot more. I couldn’t stop and I dropped dirty for a second time and got sentenced to a couple months in jail. Hopefully this time out I can stay straight. I’m trying outpatient substance abuse treatment at Insight in Lansing today. I’m anxious to start it and get on the right track and start the beginning of my young life. I have so much ahead of me.

November 3, 2010 I shot up today. I can’t fucking do this. Why did I have to start doing heroin? Even after spending 2 months in jail, completely free of the demon, I still can’t resist it. Why? I’m 19 years old. I should be in college and playing sports like the rest of my old friends. They’re so happy, and here I am, high, depressed, hurting my family. My Dad is building and growing his new church as a senior pastor but I’m his fuck up son. Why? Why?

November 11, 2010 I haven’t been writing or journaling much, BUT I GOT ROBBED. A big black dude put a GUN into my FOREHEAD! It happened yesterday but I was too shook up to write or anything. I felt like I needed to do something, though, because I haven’t left my house since and in fact, I haven’t even left my room. My dealer was on his way to Detroit to restock on his dope so I had to find someone else to get it through. It was one of those days when your dope man isn’t around, your backup dealer isn’t answering his phone, and your backup to your backup is not talking to you because he heard you have been going through other people. So I called one of my friends and he gave me this other dealer’s number. I called him and he had me meet him on this side street off of Kalamazoo on the east side of Lansing. I pulled up and he came out and led me into the house. The rest is a blur, but what I remember is this: when we got inside, he said “shhh, my Mom is sleeping so you gotta be quiet about this.” He turned around, turned off the light, leaned over on his table and picked up a dark gun, and then jabbed it into my head. I shit my pants and that is not an exaggeration. My life flashed right before my eyes, sort of, in a weird way. I saw my parents at my casket. Then I saw my Mom crying at a hospital. Then the guy made me empty my pockets while he had the gun pressed 12

into my head so bad it felt like my skull was being crushed. I gave him everything I had, which was about 40 dollars and my cellphone. Then he opened the door, pushed me out of the house and said “Stay the fuck out of this area white boy.” I drove home, with the shit in my pants, tears coming out, totally dejected, humiliated, hurt, and miserable. I can’t describe how empty I am feeling today, let alone on that long drive home. A big part of me is dreading the fact that he didn’t pull the trigger.

Chapter 4: Ingham County Jail

January 10, 2011 Well, I’m back in jail and it’s going to be for a while. I’m fucked. My heroin habit was up to anywhere between $50100 a day and I didn’t have a job, so you know what that means. I was stealing every day. It feels a little relieving to be out of the chaos, but I wish that point didn’t have to come in here, facing several years in prison. Anyway, I am charged with Felonious Assault, Retail Fraud, Leaving the Scene of Personal Injury Accident, and on top of that, I’m charged as a Habitual Offender. I had this situation going with my dealer where I was stealing expensive alcohol and trading it to him for packs of heroin. A store finally caught on and met me at the door and asked to get the alcohol back. I gave it to them, but they wanted me to wait for the police so I took off running. When we got outside the manager of the store tried to grab and tackle me but I was able to get away, and by this point there were regular citizens that happened to be in the parking lot that were helping him chase me. Somehow, I got away from them all and was able to hop in my car. I accidentally hit the manager when he tried to stop my car when I was already backing up. It wasn’t horrible, he wasn’t hurt, but it was enough to charge me as hard as they could. It happened in Mason, where the cops all know me and they wanted to charge me with as much as they could. I am also labeled a habitual offender, which means my sentence can be doubled, so overall I’m facing about eight years maximum. So yeah, I doubt I will get that much, but I’m going to be gone for a while.

January 11, 2011 Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I’m so sick. I need dope but I’m not getting any in this hellhole so the withdrawals are starting to get really bad. Hot and cold sweats, my legs won’t stop shaking, I’m super restless, I can’t stop shitting, and I feel like I’m gonna start puking. And I haven’t even gotten to a cell block yet, so I’m still in the waiting tank with nothing but a fucking cement block, a hard pillow and a rubber pencil and paper a trustee gave me. I wanna kill myself.

January 15, 2011 My withdrawals are finally starting to get behind me. I’ve been to court and it is serious. I am legitimately facing prison time. I never thought this day would come. I still could get a break if my parents can get me a good attorney, but I don’t know. I am at least in a cell block now. They put me in Post 4, one of the felony posts. There are two guys on 14

my block in here for murder and someone just told me yesterday that my cellmate is in here for child molestation. What the fuck.

January 16, 2011 I am officially a father. I don’t know how I feel. First of all, I wasn’t there for the birth because I am in jail like a loser, and second of all, my kid’s Mom told me she isn’t going to let me see my kid while I’m in jail. That could mean I might not see my own daughter for a year or two!!! And yes, it is a daughter, her name is Melody. I don’t even know what she looks like. I hate myself. What has my life come to? How can a person sink as low as me? I come from a great family! My Dad is one of the most well known Pastors in the area, and all I am is an embarrassment. My parents don’t even know I have this child.

January 21, 2011 I just got back from the hole!? I still am not sure if I will ever be the same. Let me try to explain. I was in the medical part of the jail, as every inmate who is going to be here for a while has to get examined by a doctor or nurse practitioner. When you are in the medical unit, you are down there the whole day, so they give you these sack lunches with sandwiches that look like they came right out of a pig’s ass with a rotten apple. Some black dude named DeAngelo, a young guy that is pretty big, came up from behind me and ripped my bag of lunch out of my hands and set it down beside him and said “Whatchu’ gonna do about that?” With the whole tank full of guys watching me I had to respond or I would be looked at like a bitch, so I threw a punch that landed pretty good. He staggered back, surprised. No doubt he thought I was some little punk white kid. But he immediately fought back and we tussled for a good 30 seconds before the guards broke it up. I landed another two punches and he got me good a few times, too, and then wrestled with me. The guards immediately broke us up and took us each downstairs to the “hole.” It is a total cement cell with nothing in it besides a steel toilet. It is the worst punishment you can get. There were two big ass spiders inside, it smelled like absolute shit, and there were these unhuman looking stains on the wall. There was also the brightest light ever right above the part of the cell where you sleep and it never goes off. They made me sit in there for 48 hours. Two whole days of hell. No blankets, no pillows, nothing besides me, cement and piercing cold. This was easily the worst two days of my life, and the worst part is that it wasn’t even my fault. The guy tried to steal my lunch.

January 22, 2011 I had a dream last night that I was not in jail. I was out with my Dad, sitting in my living room. We were talking but I don’t remember what about. Fuck. It sucks so bad to wake 15

up in jail after dreaming of the outside world. It’s like getting a taste of pure freedom and then getting ripped back and thrown in hell. This is so miserable. How could I do this to myself? All of this because I can’t stay clean and just be normal. These walls will drive a man insane. To make matters worse, I have no idea how long I will be in here. The unknown is a killer, especially with a child molester sleeping underneath me in the bottom bunk.

January 25, 2011 I had a visit with my parents recently. It hurt me so, so bad to see them through that glass. And even though they have stuck by my side through all of this, I was mean to them. All I know in my life is destruction. Seeing them hurt, it made me want to hurt them more. I know that sounds crazy, but I’m so miserable and when I get sad or angry, I just destroy. So I yelled at them and made them feel like it’s their fault. I feel so overwhelmingly bad about it now. This place is already driving me crazy.

January 30, 2011 I’ve been feeling a little better lately. My case was transferred up to 30th Circuit Court in Lansing. Circuit Court is for the serious cases, the felonies that can’t be dealt with in District Court. My lawyer tried to get it plead down to something lesser to have it heard in 55th District Court in Mason, however, the guy that I hit with my car, who is labeled as the victim in the case, told the prosecutor that he’s not going to be satisfied unless they put me in prison. And prosecutors love to please the victims, so he told my lawyer there’s nothing he can do. So I had a hearing for the judge in District Court to determine if there was enough evidence to send the case to Circuit Court, but my lawyer advised me to waive it because he didn’t want any of the details out yet. So now I’m just waiting for Circuit Court to assign me to my judge. But I am doing good for the most part. I haven’t gotten high in a few weeks and I feel so much healthier. I said sorry to my parents on a phone call (which costs 10 dollars for 10 minutes) and they were so understanding. They just want me to get better, and I told them I am going to try.

February 5, 2011 I know with my daughter being a newborn still that there was no chance my kid’s mom would bring her to visit me. But I was able to get a hold of her and apologize for being a fuck up Dad in jail and asked if she would bring her to see me in a month or two. She said no way that she will never let me see my daughter in here. I can’t blame her, I guess. But shit, I have no idea how long I am gonna be in this joint. Who knows when I will be able to meet my own child?

February 14, 2011 16

It is my Mom’s 50th birthday today, and yes it is also Valentine’s Day. I feel so bad. Missing my Mom’s birthday because I’m a piece of shit in jail. I can’t even imagine how she is feeling right now, to not have her son with her on her special day. 50 is a huge birthday and milestone and I can’t even be a part of it.

March 1, 2011 I haven’t been writing barely anything. I’m depressed as hell and surrounded by thugs. There are three main themes of conversation in this place: how much money you make from selling dope, how you are innocent or got screwed over by the police or courts, or how you can’t wait to get out. First of all, I know damn well that barely any of these guys were moving that dope. There are a couple dudes in here that have drug cases and they don’t talk about it. The people who talk and brag about stuff are the fakes. Second, I also know that none of these dudes are innocent! Everyone is innocent in jail, right? And third, I don’t know when I’m getting out so I hate hearing people coming in here with like 30 days saying things like, “Oh, I hate this! This is hell! I need to get out of here!” I just tell them that I wish I could trade places. This place is driving me crazy.

March 3, 2011 Some guy in the next cell block tried to kill himself. I don’t know if he succeeded or not because we are on lockdown until it’s figured out.

March 6, 2011 I hate myself so much for what I have done. How did my parents, two beautiful, warm, wise, and supportive adults, create a monster like me? I know it isn’t their fault at all. It just shows how messed up I am. Most people in this jail don’t have family or parents, so for me to end up like them after a great childhood is bad. I did this to myself. I inflicted myself with all of this pain. Not only physical pain, but emotional, which is worse. I am now paying the price for years of self destruction. I’m rotting away in a cold jail cell. I’m forced to live without escaping my sorrows and emotions with drugs. But my head is starting to clear. That hurts, too. I don’t like being clearheaded. I want to get away. To not have to feel. I want a syringe, some dope. I want it running through my veins a million miles per hour towards my brain, exploding into my receptors. I want to be knocked out, almost dead. Maybe actually dead. I don’t want to feel this pain. I don’t want to be me. People tell me that what I was doing was shooting up poison injecting death. That I was killing myself. But the messed up part is that’s what I like. I want to die, and if dying feels so good that you get a rush of happiness and pleasure that feels 50 times better than an orgasm then I love injecting death. Then death is my best friend. Thank you death, thank you heroin, thank you needle. It didn’t start out like this. I didn’t go into doing this stuff thinking one day I would want to die. But here I am. 17

March 7, 2011 I had court today in Mason at 55th District. A couple of other charges popped up on me. Retail Fraud, Minor in Possession of Alcohol, and Possession of Marijuana. I plead guilty to the Retail Fraud and they dropped the possession charges. I was then sentenced to 45 days in jail with my time I have already served counting towards it. So basically that is over with, just another crime to my name. I’m relieved to know it’s taken care of, I guess. Now I just have to worry about the Felonious Assault charge up in big boy court.

March 9, 2011 I fucked up in jail. A hispanic dude approached me and said he had a bunch of xanax bars. Without even thinking I said yeah and bought two pills with five honey buns and five ramen noodles. I instantly snorted one and felt so good. But I was proud of staying sober even in jail and now my clean time is gone. I am a total loser. I can’t even stay sober in jail. And to add to my self pity I am sleeping on the floor. I got moved to a different post and the post I am in now only has one bunk in each cell and I got the floor. I have court next week in front of Judge Canady and I am very nervous already.

March 15, 2011 I just got back from court. It didn’t go all that well. Actually, it sort of did, but I was hoping for some miracle to get out or something. Here’s what happened: I took a deal with the prosecutor where I plead guilty to the Assault charge in return for them dropping my Habitual Offender status, the retail fraud and the other misdemeanor. I didn’t want to take a deal where I kept the Felony, but with two prior felonies it was hard. And I had no chance to fight this with a trial because everything is on tape and there are several witnesses ready to testify. Anyway, I have sentencing in another month, so here I am in jail still playing the waiting game.

March 18, 2011 I didn’t eat lunch today. I guess I was too lazy to get up and eat nasty slop food. But dang, food is hard to come by in here. I haven't talked to my parents in over three days. I’m serious about changing this time. I do miss my family, but I wonder what they really think of me? I’ve stole from them, lied repeatedly, and have hurt them. Heroin has held me hostage from life. Once you get addicted to it, there’s no going back. It’s a demon that controls me, saying “feed me, feed me my poison.” Once you feed it, you get the best feeling that life has to offer. An instant rush of happiness, pleasure, and the ability to be social. It makes you feel like you belong to something. But if you don’t feed the demon well then you get the absolute worst feelings life has to offer. But by the grace 18

of God I am two months clean from that nasty drug. The Lord put me in the only place that can stop me from using heroin jail. Now it’s up to me whether I want to choose life or death. I haven't experienced true life in a long time, years and years. I wonder what it’s like?

March 20, 2011 I’m doing alright today. Recovery is my number one priority. I know God has got a plan for me, something really powerful. I just need to give him total control. It’s easy to do that in jail with no temptations, no drug using friends, and no drug dealers to call. I just hope I can do it when I get out of here. That’s one of the hardest parts. I was having a conversation earlier with another inmate, Jason Brown. He’s in here for murder. He was trying to give me some advice, and he meant well. It’s just crazy having face to face conversations with murderers, but this section of the jail is high security. Just talked to my Mom, who talked to my future probation officer. He wants to send me to a 90 day treatment center. I don’t know how to feel about it.

March 29, 2011 Today is my brother Andy’s birthday. He is the oldest of us Emerson kids. He is very supportive of me, but out of all my family, I think he is the furthest from understand addiction. It’s weird how siblings of drug addicts all take on different roles. While my sister is quiet and understanding and just wants me to get better, David is also very understanding and has always had my back, but he can also be very hard on me and gets mad the most when I steal and stuff. Andy, though, is a little more distant. That’s not to say he hasn’t stuck by my side or been supportive. He just never experienced this kind of thing and never did drugs himself, so it’s almost foreign to him. I feel bad for him. I know this hurts him but I don’t think he knows what to say to me.

April 9, 2011 It’s almost noon here in the Ingham County Jail. I skipped lunch again and am now just walking and pacing around my cell block. There really isn’t much else to do. My life consists of waking up at 5 am to eat breakfast (yeah, 5 o'clock is when they serve it), going back to sleep until 10 or 11 and then waking up again, drinking the coffee I order off the commissary (packets of coffee grains I have to mix in with cold water from my metal sink), reading all the James Patterson books I can, and sitting around listening to people talk shit. The things these people say in here are really getting to me. Life is so divided and separated in here. Whites, blacks, and hispanics all group together. I just need to learn and relax and not let any of these people bother me. This isn’t how life is on the outside. I have my sentencing in a few days so I am already anxious and nervous. 19

April 11, 2011 It’s pretty early, I couldn’t get back to sleep after breakfast so I’m just sitting in my cell reading and talking to my cellmate. I was a little pissed off earlier but I’m okay now, just reading a James Patterson book called “Lake House.” This jail is so crazy. There was just a fight an hour ago on my post. It happens in here like it’s literally nothing. You come to accept that kind of behavior as normal in here. It’s crazy how jail just makes so many people better criminals. There is no getting better in here. Just corrupt minds corrupting each other. Just a bunch of people on edge, watching their back and waiting for something to happen.

April 13, 2011 Well, I just got back from sentencing. It went pretty good, about what I expected. I was ordered to go to CPI, a treatment center in Waterford, Michigan. I was also sentenced to 24 months of probation and ordered to pay a bunch of money in fines. I was ordered to stay in jail until a bed opens up at the rehab, which could be anywhere from a week to a month. Judge Canady looked at my criminal record and said that I have a choice from here: complete rehab and follow my probation or get sentenced to a year in jail. He said if I come back in front of him for even the slightest probation violation he is going to throw the book at me and come down very hard. I now have a fight between life and death. Do I want to choose drugs and prison over living a productive life? Yes, but living that productive life is going to be hard. I am faced with the temptation every single day to get high and I have a few felonies on my record, so getting a job to support myself is going to be a challenge for the rest of my life. I feel doomed.

April 15, 2011 It’s early in the morning here in the ICJ. I was hoping to get transferred to rehab today but it looks like that isn’t going to happen, and it's Friday so it won’t happen until at least Monday. But then I talked to my Mom, who talked to my probation officer. He is trying to get funding for me to go to a better treatment center in Grand Rapids instead. I’m really mad about that. I mean fuck, I’m the one sitting in jail waiting for rehab, and you are out there putting everything on hold. I’m doing what other inmates call “dead time.” When you are in jail and the time doesn’t count for anything, they call it “doing dead time.”

Chapter 5: Second Chance

April 18, 2011 I’m at rehab! The treatment center is called Jellema. It’s a network rehab of Pine Rest. I talked to my Dad on the phone and I’m feeling proud of myself for the first time in a long time. This is not that bad of a place. Well, maybe I just think that because I just got done doing four months in jail, but it seems nice for a rehab. I need to get close with God and keep a positive mindframe.

April 19, 2011 Today is going really well. It’s my second day in rehab and life is slowly coming back to me. I really wanna get high still but I’m taking it one day at a time. I talked to my family and they are proud of me. We get to have cell phones in here and use them in our room. I had a long talk with my brother David today. It was nice to be able to catch up. My counselor here is a lady named Patrice. She is really cool and a recovering heroin addict herself.

April 24, 2011 I’m doing pretty good in here, starting to get used to the daily schedule. Today is actually Easter Sunday. Jesus rose from the grave on this day to save people like me. I remember as a kid always being super excited to wake up to see what was in my Easter basket. It would be filled with tons of different kinds of candy, maybe a couple packs of football cards, a 10 dollar bill and who knows what else. I miss those times, the days I used to be normal and had a great future.

April 25, 2011 It’s Monday, the beginning of a new week. I just got out of core group. We have core group twice a day for three hours. Core group is our main therapy session with our counselor that forces you to talk about your addiction and problems with other people going through the same stuff. We discuss many different types of things, today it was relapse prevention. After that we eat, have some free time, and then we have a 12 step meeting. They keep you really busy, but I am still having intense cravings to get high.

April 28, 2011 Another day down, another day alive and sober. I’m feeling good today. I just told my sister and my cousin Dan about my daughter. Before today, the only ones I had told had 21

been my parents. I still haven’t been able to meet Melody. That really hurts me. It’s hard knowing I have a little girl out there, needing care, but I’m in here. I guess in a way I am just like her. We are both just experiencing life, learning how to live, taking tiny steps in our young lives. I am like a little baby. I don’t know how to live, be productive, not get high. I still wanna get high every day and I’m so scared that when I actually have the opportunity to use drugs I won’t be able to resist. This is so hard.

May 2, 2011 I’ve been here two weeks now and am still sober. I got two great pieces of news today. I got moved up to “yellow tag.” That gives me some more privileges in this place. And then the other news is that the world’s most wanted man, Osama Bin Laden, was found by the American Navy Seals. He was killed and thrown in the sea.

May 5, 2011 Today is my Dad’s birthday. He turns 52. I never thought I would be saying my Dad is in his fifties. But once again, I’m missing another important day. I feel horrible. I love my Dad so much and I want to see him. I want him to be proud of me. All I have done is let him down, hurt him, and ruin his name. His own lineage is a mess up, a heroin addict that can barely stay sober in rehab. Maybe someday he can take pride in his third son. One thing that has really bothered me through my addiction is how I’m a Pastor’s kid. Children of ministers, especially in bigger churches, are always under a microscope. They are expected to be obedient, Godloving, perfect little angels. One little slip up and everyone's like “oh my God, did you see what Pastor Wes’s son did?” And now look at me. I’ve always had a hard time accepting that.

May 7, 2011 I relapsed in rehab. I fucking relapsed in rehab. Some kid my age got to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting on the outside and somehow snuck some pills in here. I bought some Vicodin from him and popped three of them. I got a little high off of them. I feel so guilty. I can’t even stay sober in rehab. I’m supposed to be getting better, getting strong to be a part of my family and be a Dad. But these cravings I get are so intense. I just can’t resist them. All I think about is getting high. On a more positive note: Justin Verlander threw a nohitter against the Blue Jays and I got to watch the last few innings.

May 8, 2011

It’s Mother's Day and all I can think about is my relapse. Even though my Mom thinks I’m in here doing good and doesn’t know about my slip up, I feel so bad knowing I’m still using in rehab.

May 18, 2011 I haven't written anything in a couple days because I’m so depressed and angry at myself. I have gotten high the last couple days on adderall. I was doing better since I used last time in here but then I was approached by another dude with some of these pills. I just couldn’t say no even though I knew how stupid it would be. And now I’m angry at myself for being weak. I’m angry at God for giving me addiction genetics, and I’m angry at the court for sending me to a place to get better, only to find out there’s just as many drugs in here as the streets of Lansing. How is someone like me that is so weak, just getting out of jail and trying to learn the tools to be able to stay sober and live in recovery supposed to say no to drugs when they are right in front of my face? I mean, if I was on the outside, at least I could stay in my room or house all day and not have to be around it. But in here, I can’t go anywhere, even the bathroom, without someone having drugs. I can’t believe this is rehab. I’m so let down, hurt, and sad. I want to get better. I want to stay off drugs and be happy, I just don’t know how and can’t do it.

Chapter 6: Consequences

June 4, 2011 I’m back in jail. Here is a summary of the last couple weeks: Two weeks ago, my buddy in rehab came back from an outside 12 step meeting with a big bag of heroin and a pack of clean needles. He offered me a good amount for just 10 dollars so I took him up on it. Him, myself, and another buddy all got high in my room at rehab. I shot up first, my buddy second, and then the other friend next, and BAM. He went face down on the ground. He overdosed right in front of us. We tried to wake him up for a few minutes but he wouldn’t budge. The next thing I knew, his chest and lips were turning blue. We panicked and packed our bags. We didn’t wanna leave him so we told a worker to go check our room and then we darted out into the streets of Grand Rapids, not knowing what to do. We were so fucking scared. We knew we were fucked so we left before the cops could get there. I don’t know if my friend who overdosed made it or not. He could be dead. I feel bad for leaving him, but there was nothing I could do for him and I at least alerted staff that something was wrong so they could immediately get attention for him. Somehow my other friend got us a ride to Ionia. The guy we got a ride from had some dope and we got high on the way. A couple days later I got a ride back into Lansing and spent a couple days getting high, shooting up. Everyone knew I was on the run for violating my probation so nobody wanted me around. I finally got picked up for my warrant and lodged back here in the county jail in Mason. I’m fucked. I’m absolutely fucked.

June 5, 2011 Depression. Darkness. Jail cells and concrete. Thugs and racism. Fights and deputies. This is my life for a while now and I did it to myself. I had such a great opportunity to do good at a rehab instead of a lengthy stint in jail, but I fucked it up because I can’t stay clean. I have court in a few days to get sentenced for absconding and violating probation and I can’t stop thinking about what Judge Canady told me the last time I saw him.

June 8, 2011 Summary of my sentencing: I was sentenced today and was called an animal. Judge Canady revoked my probation, sentenced me to a full year in jail without any early release or good behavior credit, and wished me a good life. My probation officer talked to the rehab I left before court; they said they would be willing to take me back and my 24

probation officer recommended just that, so I got hopeful for a second chance. He told the judge that it’s obvious I have addiction and that I should get another chance to treat it instead of punishment. However, Judge Clinton Canady said no way. He told me I am an animal and that I don’t deserve another chance. He also said that he knows when I get out of jail I will most likely start using drugs again and that he will put me in prison when I’m back in front of him. So here I am in jail again. The few months I served in jail before rehab will be credited towards my year so I will be in jail for the next seven months.

June 10, 2011 Am I an animal? I think the Judge was right. I just abandoned my daughter I have yet to still meet and hurt my family once again. They were so proud of me in rehab and were beginning to see some hope in my fragile life. But I just can’t say no to heroin. I am in double prison. I am in a physical prison, and also a prisoner to heroin. It runs my life. It controls me. I am an animal and I hate myself.

June 18, 2011 (20TH BIRTHDAY) I am 20 years old today. This is a hard day for me, spending a big milestone birthday in a jail cell. All I have now is hope, hope that next year’s birthday will be better. Last year I bought a huge bag of heroin for my birthday, today I am in jail serving a year, next year I will be: _____________

June 19, 2011 (FATHER’S DAY) It’s Father’s Day. I was able to talk to my Dad for a few minutes on the phone the jail charges 10 dollars for a 10 minute call and was able to wish him a happy day. Hearing his voice was hard but it helped me. I am so lucky to have him. All his son does is let him down and hurt him and spends his big holidays in jail, but he still spends outrageous money to talk to me on the phone and is super supportive. I don’t deserve it.

June 20, 2011 I got moved to the trustee post today. I am going to be a porter, which means I will serve the inmates on post 4 their food. This is gonna be crazy. Post 4 is a felony post. I’m sort of freaked out. All inmates have in here to look forward to is food and I am in charge of it. And their are murderers up there. Hopefully I get the hang of it fast or they will give me some shit.

July 4, 2011 25

Happy Independence Day. It’s the fourth of July. I got a new jail job today. I am now working in booking, which means I help check in every inmate. Every single inmate that comes through the doors here, I give them their uniform, belongings, and food, and I have to keep the whole booking area clean. It’s crazy to see how all this stuff works. The jail deputies in this part of the jail are dicks. They treat me like shit. I had a visit with my parents today, too. Visits here are only 20 minutes long and are held through plexi glass.

July 15, 2011 Today would have been the day I got out of rehab in Grand Rapids. That is so hard to think about. I’m trying to make the best of the situation, but it’s challenging. I’m trying to trust that God has a plan for my life. I know he is powerful and works in mysterious ways that us humans can’t comprehend. Who knows? Maybe he knew if I was in the outside world I would have overdosed and died and this is his way of keeping me alive. Because I know I would be getting high right now if I was out of here. Jail is the only thing that can keep me sober, and even then, I still come across pills in here occasionally. I checked in my friend Andrew today. He was in jail for a probation violation and he somehow smuggled in some Suboxone. He had an 8 milligram strip and ripped me off half of it. I let it dissolve under my tongue and got high as shit. Andrew is one of my best friends. We have been getting high and struggling together for years and we can relate to each other good. He is a nice kid. I see a lot of similarities in the two of us. Good kids that made some horrible decisions, the kind that have lifechanging consequences. We both want to get out of the life we have created for ourselves, but can’t ever seem to put it all together.

July 21, 2011 I called Aaliyah, my kid’s mom, today. There’s a deputy down here in booking that I got really cool with (the only nice one) and he lets me use the free phone once in awhile. Aaliyah told me Melody is starting to crawl. All I can do is imagine what it was like. I want to be a good Dad and know my kid. Please God, heal me. Take this pain and suffering away.

July 30, 2011 A prosecutor came to visit me in the jail today to take a DNA test and officially name me as the father of Melody so Aaliyah can get child support from me. I am sort of pissed about it, but I can’t blame her. I know she doesn’t have much money and we aren’t a couple or anything. And I also heard she has to get child support to qualify for some types of welfare. 26

August 9, 2011 The deputies in this jail are unbearable. They treat us like absolute shit. This morning at breakfast, the tray count was short one so the last inmate in line didn’t get a meal. The deputy overlooking the passing out of trays just looked at the porter and said let’s go. The inmate threw a fit and all the deputy did was look back and say “don’t come to jail if you don’t wanna miss meals.” That’s how they treat you in here. There are a few nice ones, but most of them literally think of us as dogs. One time when I was taking my medicine, a deputy I had never seen before was on post that day and looked at me and said, “Damn, dude, you look like you are 18. You fuckups are getting younger and younger.” I told him he was a cruel dude and he just looked at me sarcastically and said, “At least I’m not a 18 year old loser. I was graduating high school at your age.”

August 30, 2011 Wow. One of my friends died today. I saw his fucking death notice in the paper. Eric Pavona. So young, just a couple of years older than me. Such a smart kid, and I heard a deputy say it was from an overdose. I hate this fucking addiction. I hate drugs. I hate diseases. Why us? We are good people. We have good intentions. We are just in bondage. Yeah, we made the stupid decisions to try this shit in the first place. We got the ball rolling by making dumb mistakes. But I can guarantee if Eric knew this would be the end result he wouldn’t have tried heroin. I know I wouldn’t have.

September 5, 2011 I have barely been writing that much lately. After a while all the days just bunch into one huge event in here. It is literally the same thing every day and I start running out of stuff to write about. The other day this dude in here got busted with a shank the size of a toothbrush. It was crazy.

October 12, 2011 It is my baby sister’s birthday today. Sarah turns 17. That is so unbelievable. I can’t stop thinking of our childhood. We were so close. We were inseparable at times and played with each other everyday. We had such a funny imagination. We used to pretend we were these weird people and make up funny voices and faces. We took it so serious, too.

November 17, 2011 I’m in a daily battle, actually an hourly battle. It seems like every hour I am fighting, trying to keep myself in the mindframe of sobriety and recovery. But then the next hour I’ll get intense cravings to get high and start feeling so hopeless. All this time I’m 27

spending in jail I’ve been in over five months again and I know it is probably going to be a waste because I feel like when I get out I won't be able to stay sober. Hopeless. Is God even real? I mean I pray and pray and pray for God to erase this addiction and to take away these cravings. And then months later nothing changes.

November 24, 2011 (THANKSGIVING) Today is Thanksgiving and I’m still in jail. It sucks being in here knowing my family is out there together and my daughter is without a father she has never met, but I’m thankful I’m alive. I mean, Eric is dead. This shit is literally killing people. I just wanna be normal and be able to be with my family and Melody. But anyway, I am also thankful that I have a daughter. I want to do good for her.

December 7, 2011 It is my brother David’s birthday today. He is 25. Once again, I’m missing a huge milestone and family event. Please, please please. Just please God, be able to use this experience for good. If all of this is happening for nothing, just to suffer, I won’t be able to go on.

December 18, 2011 Christmas is approaching fast and my release date is in about a month. I have to admit, I am scared. Each day that I inch closer to freedom, I get more and more engulfed in hysteria and anxiety. Somehow, getting out of jail is scaring me. Usually it’s the other way around. But here I am, nervous to be released. I almost feel comfortable in here now. Who knows what will happen when I get out? I am probably gonna relapse, I could die or worse. But in here, even in the midst of killers, robbers, and rapists, I know I am safe.

December 24, 2011 It’s the morning of Christmas Eve and I can’t wait until the holidays are just over, something I have never even dreamed of saying. Oh, the joy I can imagine as a kid on this day. Christmas Eve was always the most exciting day in my life. My family would have a get together with friends and family every night before Christmas, order some pizza and watch Christmas Vacation, a classic movie with Chevy Chase. Then as a tradition, Andy and I would sleep together and David and Sarah would sleep together in David’s room. I would probably get a total of 45 minutes of sleep on those nights and we would wake up at like 6 or 7 am to open presents. My oh my, I miss those days.

January 1, 2012 (NEW YEARS)

Well, a new year is upon us. It is 2012. A new year and a new start for myself. I’m almost out of jail and I’m praying and hoping that I can stay on the sober path. However, today I took a couple Vicodins that an inmate had in here, so I doubt things will change.

January 7, 2012 I am officially serving my last full day here in jail. I get out of here at 5 am tomorrow and I can’t believe the day is arriving. I am scared shitless. My Mom is going to be in the parking lot waiting for me. I can’t believe how nervous I am. I haven’t experienced true freedom in 12 months. Sadly, I haven’t been able to even stay sober in jail or rehab, but I know I want sobriety. I just don’t know how. Normal people would tell me “Just don’t pick up the drugs. It’s that easy. Don’t use.” It’s not that easy, though. If it was, I wouldn’t be in this joint right now. I can’t wait to get out, but I’m scared. Let’s see if I can do this tomorrow.

January 8, 2012 I am out of jail! Finally! I didn’t sleep the whole night and was pacing in my cell. When I was being officially released by the guards, one of them said “We will see you in another couple weeks, Emerson.” Then he looked over at the other deputy and said, “I’ll bet you 20 dollars right now that Emerson is back within a month.” The other one laughed and said, “no way am I taking that bet. It will probably be two weeks.” Cruel sons of bitches they are. But fuck them, I’m out and they have no control over my life anymore. When I walked out of the jail and through the barbed wire gate, I paused and looked up into the cool, blue morning sky. My first whiff of fresh air in several months was chilling. I put my arms over my head and shouted thank you. It was such a rush, almost like a high. The possibilities! The balance between good and evil stood awaiting!

Chapter 7: Chaos

January 9, 2012 SHE IS BEAUTIFUL! Oh my God. I got out of jail yesterday and today I got to meet Melody, a.k.a Mel. She is about to turn one next week and she looks just like me. I have to admit, it was a little strange, picking up a one year old girl and meeting her for the first time knowing that she’s my daughter. She didn’t know what to think. I could tell she knew I was someone special, not just some stranger that pops up in her bubble of a life every hour making baby noises. She looked at me and knew. Perhaps she doesn’t comprehend I’m her father, but something in her beautiful eyes told me I was special.

January 10, 2012 Aaliyah and I are trying to make things work, but I got high today for the first time since my release from jail. I want to be a Dad and a good person, but I feel like there’s a 100 pound weight on my shoulders at all times, constantly dragging me down. How can this be? I have a beautiful kid but I can’t stay sober for her.

January 12, 2012 I just got out of the hospital. I shot up yesterday and my body started shaking and I got really cold. The next thing I knew, I was losing balance and felt like I had to throw up. I told my parents and they took me to the hospital. They sensed I was up to something, but I don’t think they knew I was back to using dope already. Anyway, I got an infection. The heroin must have been cut or mixed with something that caused it. The infection almost reached my heart and my Dad actually had my siblings come up to say hi, not knowing if the infection was going to go into my heart or not. The doctor said if it did, anything could happen, including a heart attack. They put me to sleep, injected me with a bunch of antibiotics and that did the trick. I got stabilized after several hours and they kept me in the hospital overnight. What a scary situation.

January 20, 2012 Ah, the life of a heroin addict straddling the fence. I want to get off drugs. I want to do better and make my family happy. I want to be a Dad. I just can’t. I don’t know how. And now I’ve dug and buried myself in a deep hole again. I’m back to shooting 30 to 40 dollars worth of heroin a day. Chaz gave me my old dealer’s new number (they change them once a month) and he has some strong stuff. He’s a young black guy named “G.” He is probably 25 and deals out of his car that he drives around Lansing. He sells 30

quarter grams for 30, half grams for 50, and whole grams for 100. He is usually around the west side over by MLK and Willow. I am now back to the point to where I need it. Tolerance to this shit builds up so quick. I am starting to get withdrawals each day around noon. I have no job and have been scamming people out of money, specifically this girl I know that likes me and thinks I’m using the money to get back on my feet. I can already see the path I’m heading down, it’ so familiar, but I can’t get off the tracks. I can already feel the 100 m.p.h. speeds I’m traveling at and can sense the wheels are wobbling, threatening to send me tumbling and rolling. I just can’t put my foot down on the brake.

January 26, 2012 Even though I’m using again, I’ve been able to hide it from Aaliyah, so she’s been letting me see Melody once in awhile. I love seeing her. I feel so bad looking into her eyes knowing she is looking back up at a heroin addict father, but she needs me. I love her so much already. She looks just like me. Aaliyah and I have been hanging out some and we are trying to make it work. It is not going the greatest, though. She knows something is wrong with me but I keep saying I’m just smoking weed. She doesn’t mind weed but if she finds out I’m back on dope she will cut me off. I can’t tell how serious we are. Sometimes I feel like we are making it work just for Melody, but that never works. I’m just really confused about it.

February 2, 2012 It’s the same routine every day. Wake up and start feeling dope sick about an hour or two after I get around. Then I try to come up with a lie to tell my parents to get some money. Once they stand firm and tell me no 100 times, I start calling around, usually Chaz and Andrew, and start talking about what kind of “lick” we can hit. A “lick” is slang in the streets for “getting down on somebody,” or in plain English: stealing or robbing something. It usually entails stealing something from a store and then taking it to the pawn shop. The crimes are never violent, we never use a gun, and we at least try not to make anybody else’s life worse. Sometimes we get our hands on some pills and flip them for double the profit we got it for, or stole it from. But lately as our habits have been growing, the need for more and more money is increasing. So coincidentally, the crimes are getting bigger. I don’t wanna put into writing some of the things we have done. After each time, the rush of hitting the jackpot is followed by a greater rush from a bag of heroin that we bought. But then later on, that is followed by regret and emptiness. I always feel so bad about what we do. I hate it. I think about what I am taking from people. I think about how they will feel once they realize their belonging or money is gone. I hate this life. I hate my life. I am not a criminal inside, but I force myself to be and I feel like a slave. 31

February 5, 2012 I met Aaliyah at the Meridian Mall today to see Melody. It was amazing being able to walk her around the mall. She is getting so big! She is already becoming wild. She loves running around and having me chase her, always looking over her shoulder with a grin. She is the most beautiful part of my life.

February 8, 2012 It’s to the point where I can’t stop using even if I tried as hard as I can. My parents are urging me to check myself into a detox facility in Lansing but they make you kick heroin cold turkey. They don’t give you any medicine besides Aspirin. That just doesn’t work. Once the horrific withdrawal symptoms appear and there’s nothing holding you back from the door, you are presented with one choice: seek out drugs to feel better. There is a detox in Jackson that uses Suboxone to wing you off heroin over a 10 day period, but they have a waiting list of a few weeks. I could be dead in a few weeks. I mean people are dying out here everyday from the stuff I’m shooting in my veins.

February 12, 2012 I keep telling myself that someday I will be a real Dad to Melody. She deserves better than me. I keep telling myself that someday my parents will like having me around. My whole family looks at me with pity again. Like when I walk in the room they just get sad and look at me with frustration, fear, and anguish. My Dad always tells me that I’m just a shell of my old self. He wants his boy back. He is so hurt and afraid. My Mom is sympathetic and is always the nice and soft one, like a mother bear caring for her injured cub.

February 13, 2012 My dealer has now been holding a gun every time I get into his car to buy dope. His black handgun is always laying across his lap. I don’t know why he has been doing this. It’s almost like he can see me deteriorating and is sensing that I might work up the balls to try to rob him sometime, so he’s showing me not to mess with the wrong guy. Perhaps.

February 15, 2012 What a horrible day I had yesterday. First of all it was my Mom’s birthday. I was there for her for a couple hours, trying to hold off my dope sickness as long as I could. I was the only kid that didn’t get her a present and I feel fucking horrible about it. So then I left to meet up with Andrew but our dealer was in Detroit restocking on more stuff. We waited around for a while, but Aaliyah and I were scheduled to go to Applebee's for 32

Valentine’s Day. She was gonna bring Mel. As the six o’clock time we set approached, Andrew and I still hadn’t gotten our dope. It was one of those days when your dealer is buying more dope and your backup dealer is being slow. I was almost to the point of puking when 6 came so I tried to push back the time to get Aaliyah and Mel. Long story short, “G” didn’t get back until almost 8 o’clock. When I finally called to tell Aaliyah I was on my way she said she’s with her friend now and she’s done with me. I feel so bad. I picked drugs over my own daughter and taking Aaliyah out on Valentine’s. She has to feel so bad right now. What a piece of shit I am. Why did God make me this way?

February 20, 2012 I pray quite a bit for God to remove this addiction from me. I know God has a plan for everybody’s life if they just submit to him and seek out his will. But I’m beginning to think that the reason I was put on this earth was to show people what NOT to do. Maybe I’m here to show my sister what happens when you make bad choices and to be an example to other people. Maybe my life is meant to be filled with addiction and chaos. I am starting to accept that I’m an addict and probably always will be. I used to try to hide my opiate and heroin addiction to people and be ashamed if someone I knew found out I was using hardcore drugs. But lately I haven’t even been caring. It’s becoming my identity and I don’t know anything else. What happened?

February 25, 2012 I’ve really been thinking about God lately. I don’t like the life I’m living and I hate what I’m doing to my family, but I think there is something bigger in store for me. This can’t be it. I’ve been thinking of checking myself into rehab, even though I don’t really want to. I want to do it just for my family and my daughter. I have only seen Melody once since I didn’t show up on Valentine’s Day but I think about her all the time. I have always heard that you can’t find recovery or truly stay off drugs if you don’t wanna do it for yourself. I guess I don’t love myself enough yet to do it, but I can’t keep doing this.

Chapter 8: A Sliver Of Hope

February 27, 2012 I checked myself into The Recovery Center today, a detox in Lansing. I had to do a bunch of dope before I could work up enough courage to finally show up, but hey I’m here, and that’s what matters, right? Unfortunately, I am scared shitless for tomorrow, knowing I will wake up and have to go through withdrawals in this place. This place is an affiliate of Community Mental Health, is one story, has one nurse and once counselor here at all times (until bedtime) and has a kitchen and television area that patients can roam in and out of. There are about 10 beds in here and it’s halfway full. There is one girl and three other guys. A lot of time here is spent just sitting around trying to get the drugs out of our system, but they do have 12Step meetings once in awhile and group therapy sessions. But you can’t smoke cigarettes here and all you can take is Aspirin and vitamins. I don’t understand how they expect people who are coming off of heroin and severe alcohol addictions to not only have to quit the drugs, but not even have a cigarette. This is just crazy.

February 28, 2012 I don’t have much to write about today. It’s morning, I’m already feeling sickness creeping up in me, and I have an overwhelming urge to get high. I’m so hopeless right now. I talked to my Mom a little bit ago and I think I’m going to go to a 90 day rehab tomorrow. It’s called Kairos and is in Saginaw. I have been to Kairos but it was a juvenile version, so this will be a different one. I’m so scared but I have to try for my family and Melody.

March 1, 2012 Today is my first day at Kairos. I’m still a little dope sick, though it is a lot better than it was yesterday. On the way up here I was begging my Mom to let me stop and get one more bag of heroin or to turn around. She wouldn’t budge. When we got here I threw a fit like a 5 year old. I’m so scared. I don’t know how to live sober and my body is literally calling out for drugs. I already want to leave.

March 3, 2012 It’s early Saturday morning and I’m getting used to the routine here in rehab. My therapist here is named Jean and she’s in recovery from heroin herself. She’s been clean a long time and is really cool. Kairos is a 3090 day rehab in the ghetto of 34

Saginaw in what looks like a really old hospital or something. It’s not the nicest place and is in a neighborhood that I know I could find dope in within 20 minutes. We have group therapy for three hours in two different sessions, have three meals and have 12 step meetings once a week. There is a parking lot outside with a basketball hoop and we can spend our evenings out there. The cool part about this rehab is that you can smoke cigarettes. I’ve been smoking cigs for about 3 years and it helps to take the edge off my cravings for dope, just barely though. What I’m saying is cigarettes are better than nothing. The therapists here are all pretty cool. We also have our own bedrooms, unlike a lot of rehabs where you usually share rooms. It is an all male rehab and there are 10 of us. Other than the location and status of the building, it’s not that bad of a place.

March 6, 2012 It has been a decent day. I’m proud of myself because I really got the urge to leave rehab today but I fought through it. I was so close to leaving. I am now a week sober and it feels pretty good. I miss my family and Melody a lot. It sucks being here but I need it and it’s what God wants me to do.

March 7, 2012 I’m doing good tonight but I walked away from rehab earlier. I haven’t stopped thinking about getting high since I’ve been here and I finally gave into it. Thankfully one of the counselors here, Ricky, this 60 year old black dude who has been clean from heroin for like 30 years, drove around looking for me and found me. He took me back. I’m so thankful he did that because he didn’t have to. He really cares about everyone here. Even though he knows I’m not as serious about recovery as I could be, he does whatever he can for me.

March 10, 2012 It’s been a hectic last couple of days. I’m starting to really understand the “you can’t get sober for someone else” way of thinking. I’m dying to leave this place and get high, and I actually did leave again two days ago. Since I got here it has been a battle, almost like an inner competition of good versus evil. On one hand I wanna leave so bad and go back to drugs, but on the other hand I know it would be a horrible decision and that my family and daughter would get hurt. Well I left Kairos again and couldn’t get or find a ride back to Lansing so I wandered around the streets of Saginaw and finally ended up staying at a homeless shelter. It was horrible and depressing. When I woke up for breakfast at the shelter and went to the cafeteria, I was struck and saddened by how many families were living there. It broke me heart. There were literally like 10 families, some with toddlers and five and six year old kids. Children with no place to call home 35

besides a ghetto hole surrounded by drug addicts and bums. They didn’t choose to be here but I did. I could be at rehab or working on myself to go back home in nice quiet, suburban Mason, and here are starving children, desperate for love and living in the world with the most unfortunate circumstances. Anyway, I’m back at Kairos; they accepted me back again somehow. I just don’t know what to do. I’m lost. I’m praying and hoping God will somehow get me through this. Whatever that even means. I don’t know anymore. March 13, 2012 The staff here took away my visit this weekend to punish me for walking out again. That sucked. I was really looking forward to seeing my parents. I’ve been severely depressed but I still have not used any drugs in almost two weeks. That is about the only good thing happening in my life. We just had a couple older fellows come in here to host a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and that wasn’t bad. Aaliyah is not letting Melody visit me up here either so it’s gonna be a while before I see her again. I have pictures of Melody that I look at every day.

March 23, 2012 It’s my 23rd day in treatment and this morning I’m feeling really down. I can’t have contact with my parents anymore in here because they say we have a very unhealthy relationship. They are saying they enable me too much and that it’s hindering my recovery. They are recommending my parents get help themselves, maybe counseling or a support group for family members of addicts. Addiction affects the whole family.

March 25, 2012 Wow, I’m 25 days sober today. I can’t believe I’ve gone 25 days without any mind altering chemicals. My mind feels better and clear, but I’m still pretty dull. I’m happy I’m clean but I feel like it doesn’t even matter because I’m scared that I’m going to go right back to using when I get out of here. I don’t want to necessarily, but the cravings are intense in here and will be even stronger when I’m out and have access to money and drug dealers.

March 30, 2012 I walked out of rehab again two days ago ago. I wandered the streets again and went into a sketchy neighborhood to try to make a trade. I had a carton of cigarettes and found this guy that had just gotten done swiftly reaching into a passing car, the classic sign of someone making a drug transaction in the hood. I asked him what he had and once he said “smoke” I offered him a carton of cigarettes for a 20 bag. He said he would give me a 10 bag of weed, which amounts to a gram or two depending on the strength of it. He directed me around the corner of the block, where I met him and purchased the 36

“smoke.” I smoked it with Owen, a friend I met in rehab who left with me. Owen is really cool. He is gay and gets made fun of by the other residents for his feminine ways and voice, but he is a nice dude. We smoked some of the weed and then felt bad. We just got that feeling of, “Oh shit, we fucked up.” We came back to rehab and the staff made us have a resident meeting with all of the other patients and counselors. They said the only way they would let us back would be if we apologized to everybody for leaving and promised to stay. It’s my last chance at this place, and honestly, I don’t care. I know I’m going to use when I get out anyway.

March 31, 2012 Through all of that chaos of leaving rehab and buying weed and stuff, my brother Andy’s birthday passed by. I didn’t even call him to wish him a happy birthday. I completely forgot. I feel so horrible. I’m just used to this nonstop feeling of regret, though. Doesn’t mean I like it, but I’m sort of trained to live with it now.

April 6, 2012 Today is Good Friday and so far I’m having a decent morning. I surprisingly feel really good and hopeful today because Jesus died for me. Jesus died for me, yes me, a drug addict who has done nothing productive with his life since being named the MVP of his baseball team in high school. That is the beauty in Christ, though. He didn’t die to save the righteous and good, upstanding citizens. He died for everyone, and because of that, people like me don’t have to suffer an eternity of misery, which is what I deserve. With everything I have been through, the overdoses, having a gun to my head, driving everyday of my life high or drunk, the fact that I am alive says a lot. I feel like someday I am going to do something with my life, even as hopeless as I am and as far of a hole I am buried in because of my addiction. Jesus died for me.

April 7, 2012 I’m really mad at myself right now. Why did I smoke weed 10 days ago? Weed does nothing for me. All it does is make me lazy. I used to love weed. Chaz and I smoked so much weed we probably made Lil Wayne look like a beginner. But once I found opiates, weed never appealed to me. But I continue to do it anyway, even when it’s the stupidest decision I can make, like when I’m running away from rehab. I know I need to stay sober, but I can’t imagine myself not doing some type of substance. Maybe I should switch to alcohol. I know tons of people who get off dope but become insane alcoholics. Maybe I could just get by by having a few beers a day? I turn 21 in a little over 2 months so it will be legal and normal. I wanna beat this addiction, but I can’t see myself completely sober. It’s a scary thought. Drugs and alcohol make me whole, they make me comfortable and they fill that hole in my heart I have always wanted to fill. Anyway, 37

tomorrow’s Easter. I wish I could fill that hole with Jesus, but that requires being completely sober.

April 19, 2012 This morning has been dragging on. I’m really anxious to leave this place so I know that has something to do with it. I have now been sober from heroin for 50 days! I am actually proud of myself! But with my release date from rehab approaching, I have been debating for two weeks on whether or not I am gonna smoke weed or drink when I get out. It’s hard. All of my friends get high and it’s almost summer. It’s always a lot harder to stay sober in the summer.

April 22, 2012 I just found out that I’m leaving rehab on Friday, just five days from now. Wow is that great news but wow is that scary. I don’t know if I’m ready. I have been in rehab for almost 60 days so there’s not much more I can learn or accomplish in here, but damn, I’m scared. I don’t wanna go back to dope but once I walk out of these doors it’s gonna be so tempting to go back.

April 27, 2012 Today is the day! It’s 8 in the morning and my Mom will be here in a couple hours to pick me up. I’ve been in rehab for two months and today starts a new beginning. I’m hoping I can see Melody today.

Chapter 9: Familiar Roads

April 28, 2012 It’s my first full day out of rehab. It has been up and down already. I’m happy to be out and have more freedoms. I even went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting last night with Lance and I’m going again in a couple hours. However, I smoked weed yesterday and today. I have not used anything else though so that’s good.

May 3, 2012 On the road again. Uhh. I am high right now. I took some Suboxone and smoked some weed. I can’t let this lead back to heroin, though. I know what will happen if I do go back. “Just smoking weed” never does the trick! I can never “just smoke weed.” It is never good enough and always leads me back.

May 5, 2012 Today is my Dad’s birthday, he turns 53. I still haven’t touched dope but I have been doing Suboxone just about everyday, which gives me the same feeling as heroin. I guess the only thing that could be lower is going back to the needle. At this rate I’m sure it will come.

May 14, 2012 It’s been a crazy week. A lot has happened. This girl named Sierra has been talking to me and we have hung out a couple times. Nothing serious at all, I view her as a friend. She has a decent job and lends me money whenever I ask. I’ve been using heroin again for a week and my habit is steadily increasing. I’m already back up to a half gram per day and my left arm is already filled with some nasty track marks. I also got a part time job as a furniture mover for this guy named Chuck. His wife Dottie goes to my church and she got me the job. I get paid 10 dollars an hour. The work is pretty hard and intense. We clean out houses to auction stuff off and I do a bunch of heavy duty lifting.

May 20, 2012 I’m almost up to using 100 dollars worth of heroin a day. Every dime I make from my job is going right to dope and Sierra is handing me out money everyday. It’s a toxic friendship we have. The first time she ran out of money to lend me, we were at her Mom’s apartment and I snuck in her purse and stole 75 dollars. If I don’t have dope I get 39

super sick, puking and stuff. Sierra knows I use a little bit but she doesn’t know it’s to this extreme of an extent.

May 22, 2012 I saw Melody today. It made me feel so bad, but we had a good visit and she seemed to enjoy me. Aaliyah meets me at the mall sometimes and lets me walk Mel around. She still doesn’t trust me enough to take her by myself or anything. I don’t blame her at all. She doesn’t even know I’m using so if she found out I’m sure she would cut me off again. I just can’t help it. I really tried hard this time. I tried to just get by with smoking weed once or twice a day but it didn’t work. Now I’m back to relying on this ghetto drug dealer every morning. Having to wake up, scrounge up 50 to 100 dollars, then give it right to this dude that wouldn’t give one shit if I died. He always has a gun on him and barely even looks at me. I don’t like him either. I couldn’t care less about him, but I need the dope.

Chapter 10: Another Intake

May 25, 2012 I checked into a detox facility in Jackson today. It’s called Allegiance Recovery Center, an affiliate of Allegiance Hospital. I need to get clean because I’m headed right back down that crazy path that will either kill me or put me in prison. This is a pretty nice place, it’s clean and there’s nurses staffed 24/7. They put heroin addicts on a Suboxone program that slowly wings us off heroin. I just took my first 8 milligram film strip; you put it under your tongue and the nurses watch you until it fully dissolves. Suboxone is an opioid that is used to treat heroin and opiate addiction. It’s made to prevent withdrawal symptoms and reduce cravings, and it works pretty good. I need this place to work, as I was back up to using almost a gram per day.

May 26, 2012 One of the hardest things I think about often is what other people are doing in the world. I compare myself. All my old friends are in college, nearing graduation, and getting ready for careers and successful lives. Oh, how I wish I could be in their shoes. What would it feel like to be normal for just one day? What would it feel like to not have these addictive genes in my body that call out for a high? I’ve been puking nonstop for a couple hours. I am feeling a little better but the nurse told me I’m probably experiencing the worst of my withdrawals. The Suboxone is working, but it’s not blocking out all of the withdrawal symptoms.

May 27, 2012 I really like this place and I’m starting to feel better. I’m not puking and my head feels a little clearer. I’m still taking 8 milligrams of suboxone each day but tomorrow they are going to start decreasing my doses; I should be getting out in a couple days. I have this therapist here that’s really cool. She’s about 60 and has been off of heroin for over 20 years. She’s an inspiration. I just don’t know how people like her can do that. Even though I’m past my withdrawals, I still feel like I will crawl out of my skin if I can’t get high soon. But anyway, other than individual counseling there are a lot of groups to attend here. We go to group therapy every morning for a few hours and then in the afternoon we have a different kind of group, all led by different therapists with different topics. Then some days there are AA meetings in between the groups. They keep us really busy, that’s for sure. But it’s a nice place with nice therapists who really care. I

just still don’t think I’m fully doing this for myself. I want to change, I’m just not all the way ready to do the work that is needed to stay sober everyday.

May 28, 2012 On this Memorial Day I’m sitting in group therapy. They are cutting down my Suboxone so hopefully it goes alright. I’m really hoping I can leave here in a day or two. I’m actually thinking about leaving tomorrow. I just got my last dose of Suboxone so my withdrawals are pretty much over and that’s what I came here to do: detox. My family wants me to stay another day or two so this is a hard decision, but I really wanna get out of here.

Chapter 11: Another Discharge

May 30, 2012 Damn, what a horrible first day out of detox. I relapsed already and had a miserable time using. It’s getting to the point where using isn’t even fun anymore. I just need heroin to feel good about myself and my life; without it I’m nothing, just dull and blank. But it’s miserable. I need dope, but I hate it, so when I use I feel shitty about myself.

June 8, 2012 What a crazy few days it’s been. I’m literally lucky to be alive. I crashed Sierra’s car on the highway and it flipped twice. My dealer, this guy named “G” who I’ve been going through for a couple years, has had some dope stronger than his usual batch. I’m pretty sure it’s laced with Fentanyl. The nod it gives you is just super powerful. I did quite a bit of it and was on the highway and nodded out behind the wheel. I woke up drifting into another person’s lane, and trying to avoid hitting him, I jerked the wheel to the right quickly. My car just tailspinned and spun around a few times and then flipped into the ditch, rolling twice in the process. The car is totaled and a bunch of passing motorists that saw it rushed over to try to save me, only for me to hop out without a scratch. They were saying things like, “you just got a second chance at life, buddy,” and, “I’ve never witnessed a crash in person that bad.” The EMS workers made me go to the hospital as a precaution and the cops came to investigate. I still had about $30 worth of heroin in my pocket with a couple needles but somehow they didn’t ask to search me. I was really nice to the ambulance workers and got lucky because one of them was a guy I went to school with named Kaleb. They took me in the back and this female cop tried to question me but they gave her the cold shoulder and she sort of gave up. I can’t believe I am not hurt right now. I mean, I keep having this image of what it was like rolling into the ditch. Everything was in slow motion and I felt my life flash before me. It was this really weird sensation and I felt like I knew I was about to die. It was so scary, maybe even scarier than when I had a gun to my face in a dark house in Lansing. Oh, and did I mention that I was driving almost 85 MPH when I went out of control? Something miraculous had to happen for me not to even be injured. Maybe God really is looking out for me?

June 9, 2012 After coming out of a severe, intense accident literally unscratched, I am really starting to believe for certain that there is a God. You know, I have now survived overdoses, 43

severe infections, a gun to my head, and a 85 MPH accident that flipped my car. Maybe God does have a purpose for my life. Maybe he’s pulling me through all of this so I can accomplish some kind of plan he has for me.

June 16, 2012 The clock just ticked past midnight; a new day on the calendar has begun but things are the same, like always. Still the same old shell of the person I used to be. The great athlete, son of a successful and respected Pastor in the area, and a caring kid. That is all gone. It happened slow, but it happened fast. Yesterday was my sister’s open house. It went really good and a ton of people came. She is so popular and so many people love her. It makes me happy to see her successes. Maybe her high GPA and wonderful accomplishments make up for some of the hurt I put my parents through. I sure hope so.

June 18, 2012 I am officially of legal age to drink alcohol. Not that it makes any difference to me. But I had a great time tonight. My brother David took me out to Darbs, a bar in Mason, and we drank some beers with his friends. My friend Evan came out to hang out some. It was a blast, some of the best fun I’ve had in awhile, and definitely better than the last couple birthdays, as last year’s was spent in jail.

June 28, 2012 I haven’t had much motivation to write lately. It’s just drugs drugs drugs drugs. My parents don’t even act the same towards me anymore. It’s like they’ve accepted that I’m an addict and always will be. Even though they still do whatever they can to help and be supportive, they are distant.

July 1, 2012 I’m now living at a homeless shelter. It’s called Volunteers of America, known as the VOA around Lansing. I’m so depressed. My Dad dropped me off here. I stole from my brother David and my parents made me leave the house. I can’t even take it anymore, I’m now an outsider to my own family, the best fucking family anyone could ask for. Fuck journaling about how I can do this to myself. How can I do this to my own flesh and blood? I ripped one of his checks out of his checkbook, forged his signature and took it to the bank to cash it the other day. I didn’t do a lot of money, I at least had the decency to not rip him off for a lot and put him in a hole. But I still stole 40 dollars out of his checking account. This is as low as I’ve been. Ruining my relationship with my brother and my best friend just for a 40 dollar high. Anyway, when my brother found out he was furious. I’m really surprised he didn’t beat me up. He can fight. He is the 44

toughest guy I know so it’s not that he’s a soft guy. He just loves me and could never put his hands on me. And that made me feel even worse. I’m in tears right now. Why do I even write this stuff? I wish I could block it out but I can’t and I’m hoping that somehow, someway, writing into this journal will make me feel better or help me wake up from this nightmare.

July 4, 2012 I got put on a waiting list to go back to Allegiance Recovery Center, the nice rehab that uses Suboxone to help heroin addicts wing off dope. I’m starting to develop a strong will to quit drugs for myself, instead of trying to quit for my parents or Melody like I have done in the past. I know if I keep using I’m gonna die somehow. I can feel death staring me in the face every morning I hop out of bed, every time I stick a needle in my arm, every time I get behind the wheel after shooting up. Before I shoot up now, I ask God to NOT let it kill me. I keep hearing about people I know dying from overdoses and last week I had to practically save Chaz. We shot up in the parking lot of a liquor store on Kalamazoo Street, and afterwards he went inside to get a pop. 30 seconds later the employee of the store came running out asking me to come get him. I went in there and there was knocked over cans of food and drinks on the floor and he was wobbling around like a zombie. He must have done too much. By the time I got to him to help him out of the store he was passed out and wouldn't wake up. I had to drag him into the car, throw out all of our drugs and needles and take him to Sparrow Hospital. They gave him a shot of Narcan that woke him up and I stayed to make sure he was alright, but it was pretty scary. I had to park at the curb and run inside to alert the emergency room that he was almost dead. You know, most people in my situation would’ve let him die or just dumped him out in the doorway and drove away. I hear about it all the time. People don’t wanna get busted so they ditch their friend, but I couldn’t do that to him. We have been close for several years, at one point we were practically brothers. But we are out of control and I have to get out of this mess. Like I said, I feel death staring me in the face every day, every night.

July 6, 2012 It’s ironic that a few days ago I had to bring Chaz to the hospital to save him from an overdose, because yesterday I was the one in a hospital gown and bed. I did too much heroin and made the stupid decision of taking a xanax with it. It’s risky to mix heroin and xanax, but if you can do it right, it gives you the best high ever. Anyway, my parents had to take me to the hospital. I’m supposed to be going back to detox in a few days, hopefully I can stay alive until then. It’s almost like God is letting me know that if I keep doing this I’m gonna die. Showing me just enough of death to let me know it’s not what I

really want. As much as I would like to get out of this living hell and disappear, I couldn’t do that to my family. Even though I’m an addict, they still love me.

Chapter 12: Breakthrough

July 10, 2012 Well I’m back at it. I checked into Allegiance Recovery Center yesterday. I’m planning on staying the full 10 days this time and get as much out of it as I can. I need to change and get better or I will die. That’s almost a fact at this point. I’m sort of depressed so it’s hard to write a lot but I’m devoted to recovery this time.

July 14, 2012 I’m feeling better than ever. I’m still really down and depressed but for the first time ever I am in rehab to get better. I’m not in here to please my parents, to have somewhere to stay, or to try to prove myself as a Dad. I’m here because I don’t want to die. I don’t know what will happen to me when I get out of here, I just know I want to change something. I’m just starting to wing off the Suboxone and I’m gonna stay a few extra days. Last time I was here I wanted to get out of here as soon as possible, but this time I’m doing what they tell me. My parents are really proud that I’m doing this. The only hard part so far happened when I got a call from David. He found out I forged another check of his and the bank penalized him for it because he didn’t have money in his account. He was furious. My therapist, Gail, pulled me out of group to give me the phone. He told me he was probably gonna have to call the police to get the penalty waived. I’m really scared about that but I don’t think he will. As mad as he is, he knows another felony would put me in prison, and the way he is so loving and unselfish I can’t imagine him following through with it, even if he knows it will hurt him. Someday I will pay him back. I have to.

July 16, 2012 My therapist Gail went over my after care plan with me today. She gave me some resources and hooked me up with this lady named Deb Smith. I guess Deb offers free case management services so when I get out she can help me find more resources to help me. I feel so much better, but I’m scared because I get out in two days. I don’t know if I will be able to stay clean. I don’t wanna die but if I start using again I think I will.

Chapter 13: So Close

July 21, 2012 I wanted it so bad. I wanted to change and be a Dad and son and brother. I couldn’t resist the craving, though. The second day out of rehab I could not stop thinking about getting high. A wave of temptation just surrounded my every ounce of being and thinking. I had 30 dollars and knew what I could get with it. For three or four hours I tried to keep myself busy, I exercised and tried to get it out of my head. It just wouldn’t leave. Is this my fault? Am I just a weak person? Am I evil? Why can’t I just stay clean, even after I get out of rehab?

July 28, 2012 I’m at the VOA Homeless Shelter again. I got here in time for dinner and hung outside a little longer. At dinner I was in line with all these old homeless men and people who are just absolutely crazy. I had my backpack on with a couple pair of clothes, hygiene items and my needles inside. I felt a nudge on my backpack and turned around to see some dude’s hands unzipping it. I screamed what the fuck and he ran away. He didn’t get anything but still, what in the hell? This is a ruthless place, a dog eat dog world.

Chapter 14: But Still So Far

August 3, 2012 I just checked myself into the House of Commons, a rehab in Mason. I’m high right now so I’m feeling good, but I don’t know what will happen tomorrow when my withdrawals kick in. House of Commons is a rehab that focuses a lot on criminal behavior and gets a lot of patients that are in and out of prison. It’s located right next to the Ingham County Jail in Mason and has two day rooms full of a bunch of bunk beds. They are allowing me to relax in my bed because my withdrawals will be starting, so that’s nice. The staff has been pretty nice. I just don’t think I will be able to stay because I know the dope sickness will kick in. It’s asking a lot for a heroin addict to enter rehab without properly withdrawing first.

August 7, 2012 I haven’t written anything in a few days. I had to leave the House of Commons the day after I got there because my withdrawals got too intense. I was stuck in my bed the whole day and had to get up to puke a couple times. After a while I just couldn’t take it anymore and walked out. The rehab is only about 5 miles from my house so I walked the distance. My Dad was so pissed and made me go back to the rehab but they wouldn’t let me back in. He got really mad and yelled at the staff, but I can’t really blame them for not accepting me again. I feel so bad for my Dad, he seems so helpless.

August 11, 2012 I found out yesterday that my Dad is taking notes to prepare for my funeral. I guess after his nephew Don died, his brother was so distraught over losing his son he couldn’t give the funeral home or minister any info. He was so shocked and devastated he couldn’t come up with any words. So my Dad is counting on me dying, and just in case he’s starting to jot down stuff he can give to the funeral director that will handle my services. All this shit going on and I still can’t stop. I can’t help it. What the fuck is wrong with me?

August 15, 2012 It’s late Wednesday and I had a decent day considering the circumstances. I went up to Sparrow Hospital to visit my Mom. She’s in the hospital for a surgery she had. She’s alright, just out of it because of the meds she’s taking. It was really nice to see her. She is such a strong woman, she’s been my rock through everything. She’s been the one

who hasn’t buckled, let me down, or yelled at me. I honestly don’t know where I would be without her, possibly six feet in the ground.

August 24, 2012 I had another severe infection the other day. Once again I got it from shooting up. You never know what is gonna be in a bag of dope. It wasn’t as bad as the last infection that could have killed me, but it hurt for a while. I thought it was cotton fever, something a lot of heroin addicts get from shooting up, but it turned out to be an infection and they don’t know the exact cause, just that it was from my drug useage. I hate this life and I wish people knew that. Everyone thinks that I choose this stuff, that I like to hurt my family and be addicted, but that is so far from the truth. Sometimes I wish I could be somebody else, to just feel normal for even a day.

August 28, 2012 I have been living at the Volunteers of America homeless shelter in Lansing the last couple of days. I pawned something out of my house and my Dad kicked me out. I was able to get a ride into Lansing on Kalamazoo Street and had a little money. That enabled me to get just a quarter gram of dope and shoot up before I checked in. All of the beds are full here so I am sleeping on the floor of a nasty dayroom. It’s horrible and they make you get up at 6 a.m. to eat breakfast and leave. Then you are stuck out on the streets the whole day until they open the doors back up at dinner. It’s like a living hell. Being forced to wander the streets with nowhere to go is the ultimate blow to one’s pride. Knowing you have such an amazing family and a nice house with a potentially great life, but you are too fucked up to be a part of it is such a humiliating and pitiful feeling. I wanna feel sorry for myself but I can’t even do that because I hate myself too much. I’m a walking dead man, and I’m only 21. Life was over before it even started.

Chapter 15: Phil

September 6, 2012 My case manager Deb, who owns a substance abuse agency called Wellness Inx in Lansing, introduced my parents to this guy named Phil. Phil lost a son to a heroin overdose and is now a community advocate for addiction and recovery. He’s starting some kind of support group to help families and loved ones of addicts. Anyway, Phil came to my house yesterday and wanted to meet with my whole family. He had me go back in my room so he could talk to just them first, and I was sort of listening through my door and heard him mention his son, Eric. I realized Eric was my friend I met in jail, somebody I got to be really close with. I actually had his obituary right on my dresser. When they were done I brought it out and told Phil I was friends with Eric. Everyone was shocked and it seemed like a God moment. It was extremely bizarre, I have to admit myself.

September 15, 2012 I’ve met with Phil a couple times since that meeting he had with my family. I guess he took some training or classes to become a recovery coach, some new movement in the recovery community. He works with addicts and their families and tries to help him. He’s really genuine and doesn’t get paid for any of his time. He simply does it to help. I know that it helps him, too. I have a feeling that doing this is a way for him to heal from his son’s death. Helping other addicts will, in a way, bring something positive out of losing Eric. Anyway, I have still been using dope some, but I have been really wanting to quit. I’ve been praying a lot and reading my Bible. I still can not find the courage to quit and face my withdrawals, though. I could try detox or rehab but I’ve tried that a million times and it ends in the same result every time.

September 21, 2012 I’ve met with Deb from Wellness and her husband Joe a couple times lately. They are helping me set up a recovery plan, where I set short term goals and make a plan to achieve each one. I have a positive support system now with them and Phil, I just need to figure out how to get off the dope. Nothing is working. I’m just trying to hang on. I don’t wanna die. I’m in and out of the homeless shelter and using every day.

September 25, 2012 51

I made a big step today. Good or bad, I don’t know yet, but it is one that I made myself to try to solve this deep rooted problem that’s strangled the air out my life for years. I did an intake at Victory Clinic in Lansing, a local methadone clinic. I met with some nurses and a doctor and they got me set up. I took 30 milligrams of methadone and I haven’t used today. The methadone took away some of my withdrawal, definitely not all of it, but enough to make me a little more comfortable than usual. Phil and Deb recommended I give this a try. They said methadone is something that can help if you take it serious and should only be used as a last resort because it’s such a big commitment. You have to go to the clinic every day to get your dose. But like Phil said, my family and I have exhausted all of our options and resources and nothing has worked. It’s now a life or death situation.

September 27, 2012 So far the methadone has worked pretty well. I have only used one time since I started taking it. Even then, it was only 25 dollars worth, well short of my usual 50100 dollar habit.

October 10, 2012 I am not using nearly as much. My methadone dose is up to 50 milligrams and it has really helped. Though I am not totally sober, I have only been getting high about two or three times a week. I feel a little more hopeful, but when I go a couple days without using and then get high, I get so angry at myself. I’m trying to stay positive, though, something that has been foreign to me for almost an entire lifetime.

October 28, 2012 The Victory Clinic makes every patient see a counselor twice a month and attend a group once a week. I really like my counselor even though he has never been an addict. And my group leader, a lady named Emily, is amazing. She is in recovery from heroin and was actually a client at Victory. She is really opening my eyes and showing me that recovery is possible and can be fun. One aspect of sobriety that has had me scared shitless for years is the thought of never having fun again. When I don’t get high, days are dull, long, and boring. There’s no way I could ever live like that. But she seems to really enjoy life.

November 23, 2012 The last couple months have been filled with the same routine. I go two or three days without getting high but then convince someone to lend me some money. I get about $40 dollars worth and shoot it up, barely even feeling the effects. Methadone, when on the right dose, blocks out the effects of other opiates. So when I shoot up, I don’t get a 52

rush, something that makes the act pointless. Spending money on something that isn’t even working. But hey, shooting up a couple times a week is better than every day, right? My parents and family are really seeing a difference. They are happy that I’m not using nearly as much and are pleased that I’m meeting with Phil and Deb.

January 1, 2013 A new year with new beginnings. I feel like amazing things are on the horizon. My routine of using heroin about twice a week has been in continuity for a few months now. Since then my life has gotten better. My family relationships are improved, I’m living at my parents’ house fulltime, and I’m gaining more and more motivation to do something with my life as each day passes. On the contrary, though, I still experience depression quite a bit and I have a lot of built up anger at myself and my past. Accepting all of the destruction I have caused is too much for me to handle. I try not to think about it but it’s impossible not to.

January 15, 2013 It is Melody’s second birthday today! It is so hard to believe she is two! She is growing up so fast and is already a smart little monkey! We call her the monkey because she’s always on the go! I have been seeing Melody once in a while, as my kid’s Mom is still weary of me a little bit. But the times I do see her I take full advantage of. I long for the day I can be a full time Dad. I love her so much but I wish I knew her more. I vow to myself everyday that someday I will be an amazing father.

February 2, 2013 One new part about my life that I’ve liked the last several months since getting on methadone is my ability to wake up in the mornings at a decent time. This has allowed me the ability to get up for church on Sundays and go hear my Dad preach. Since going to church I have really developed my faith more and it’s an amazing feeling. I pray every morning and it seems to be working. I feel so much better.

February 16, 2013 I’m high and drunk right now and it’s really got me thinking. When I’m like this, I feel so complete, feel so content with life. I am so confident in my actions and proud of myself. Why can’t I feel like this when I’m not high? Why do I need drugs to feel like this? I don’t know. But someday I hope to figure it out and address the issue. I just don’t have any hope that it will happen soon.

February 28, 2013

I often wonder if I will ever be normal. For a while I was so proud of myself for not using as much dope. And that is all good and well, but I want to quit for good. I believe deep down I could, but the cravings are just so hard to deal with, so tough to combat.

March 7, 2013 Sometimes this journal feels like my best friend. My deepest thoughts, desires, fears, and feelings are jotted down, hidden from the world. I have always wondered why I need to be on drugs to be able to show true emotion to other beings, but my journal allows me to do this high or soberminded. Maybe that’s why I love writing. I can escape. It’s like a drug. I just wish I could be myself with humans. That sounds weird but I am always trying to be who I think other people want me to be. It’s so exhausting.

March 18, 2013 I have been thinking of going back to college in the summer or fall. Even though I am still using a tad bit, I think I am in a position where I could complete my studies and stay up on work. In today’s world, it just seems like there’s no way to really live a comfortable life with a family if you don’t have some type of college education. I would really like to give back to the world in some way if I can ever gain full sobriety. I have always gotten a lot out of helping people whenever I can. I’m praying about it.

May 1, 2013 The last time I got high I shot up two 20 packs from my dealer named Rude (yeah, his street name is Rude. No dealers use their real name), and that was about two weeks ago. This is the longest I have ever stayed sober, other than sobriety time spent in jail or rehab. So many people judge methadone, but it has performed a miracle in my life. It doesn’t get me high or give me any type of buzz, and I have finally been able to get some sobriety time under my belt. Even though it’s only a couple weeks, that is an eternity to me. My family is so proud of me. I have still been a little depressed lately, though. My past haunts me everyday and I have so many regrets. But I’m trying to stay focused on the “here and now.”

May 15, 2013 I just got home from some ghetto motel in Lansing, where I relapsed after almost a month of sobriety. I was doing great, but I just couldn’t fight the urge. It was so powerful and swallowed me like a fucking whale. I knew using would be stupid, but the craving would not go away. I had a friend come pick me up and we got some heroin and a cheap motel room on the eastside of Lansing. We shot up and I felt good for about 20 minutes, then just overwhelming remorse and shame. I called my Mom to come pick me up. 54

Chapter 16: Miracles

May 19, 2013 I’m trying to use that last relapse as a learning experience. I’m trying to remember the shame and regret I felt every time I wanna get high. For a few days it’s been working. I haven’t used since that relapse at the motel. And these last few days have felt special. I can just feel the motivation to stay sober growing and growing within me. Do you think this could actually work? I doubt it, but dang, this feels weird.

May 29, 2013 I got to see Melody the other day. My parents talked to Aaliyah and told her that I’ve been doing a lot better, so she let me visit her at her Mom’s house. It went great. She is getting so big it’s nuts. She seems like she’s starting to know who I am now, too. That’s been my biggest fear: that my daughter will never know or respect me. All we did was just stay in the living room and I got out her toy box. She did play with me a little bit, but other than that she just ran around. It felt so amazing, though. I have to keep up this sobriety just for the fact that I need to be a good Dad!

June 4th, 2013 I’ve been going to some Narcotics Anonymous meetings lately. I have been going to this little group that meets at a bookstore in Lansing. The people there are really nice and I have been enjoying it. I’ve been sober for a few weeks now and I am still experiencing that special feeling. My love for recovery and sobriety is growing and I’ve never felt like this in my life.

June 13, 2013 It doesn’t feel real. Sobriety. Not using drugs. Not chasing that rush. Seeing a sober me in the mirror. I feel like this is a dream. I am walking around everyday with this starstrucklike feeling, not really knowing if this is reality. I never thought I could stay sober outside of jail or rehab, places I’m usually forced to not use at because there’s no access to drugs. My parents are so proud, it’s almost like they don’t believe it, either. They have literally exhausted so many resources and so much money, trying to get me to this point, but I firmly believe they reached a point where they never thought it would happen. They didn’t wanna abandon me or give up on me because I am their son, but I don’t think they truly believed it would ever work. 56

June 16, 2013 ONE MONTH. ONE MONTH SOBER. ONE MONTH CLEAN. ONE MONTH OF RECOVERY.

June 18, 2013 My first birthday ever sober or not in jail! Wow. This is very, very hard to believe. For the last several years, every single birthday was spent either loaded or locked up. Last year I got drunk and high, the year before that I was serving a year in the Ingham County Jail, and I don’t recall the previous ones, but one can only imagine how it was spent. This is, by far, the best birthday I have ever had. Not only am I hanging out with my family and my daughter, but they are proud of me. It’s a celebration for them, as well. My Dad told me this morning, “I got my boy back.” That made me so proud.

June 30, 2013 Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve this. You know, being halfway happy and proud of myself? Embracing something good in my life instead of an image, drug, or girl. For so long all I did was hurt, destroy, and let down. I have made so many lives complicated and inflicted so much pain in others. Is it really fair for me to be happy now?

July 3, 2013 Recovery is awesome. I’ve made so many changes. I deleted my Facebook for a while, deleted all my drug dealers’ numbers out of my phone, as well as all of my using friends. I made a new Facebook and have only added people I know and friends that don’t use drugs. I go to NA meetings a few times a week and have a sponsor named Lance. Lance grew up with my brother and was a heroin addict for a long time. He finally got clean and did it through going to meetings. So I got a hold of him a couple months back and went to some meetings with him. Now that I’m actually sober and giving recovery a shot, I asked him to be my sponsor and he said yes. I call Lance every night to talk about my day and I do devotions and readings every morning. It’s working. The only thing I am still struggling with, though, is dealing with and accepting my past, and handling my depression. I’m hoping the longer I stay clean the better that will all get.

July 17, 2013 Well, I am officially starting college. I am going to Lansing Community College, starting Fall semester at the end of next month. I am just taking one class, but I am both excited and nervous. Phil suggested since I haven’t been to school in a few years that I take it slow, adjusting to the college life by taking one class at first, then work my way back into a full student life. So based on how I do this semester, maybe I will take two classes in 57

the winter. This is a very big step for me personally, as it is the next thing for me to do to become a productive member of society. Staying sober isn’t enough, I want to work my way back into society. That would be a huge accomplishment. I guarantee a lot of people are doubting me. I know there’s people in my community who think my sobriety won’t last. That just pushes me even harder. I’m sick of being a menace to my community and to the world.

July 28, 2013 One thing that is really bothering me about NA meetings is that methadone and suboxone are so frowned upon. I was told to never tell the groups that I was on methadone because people would judge me. I think it’s bullshit. Methadone did so much for me and it’s undeniable how much it played into the miracle that has become my recovery. I’m not saying the reason I’m clean is because of methadone, but it has been a huge help. I always hear people in NA say that being on methadone is the same thing as being on drugs and that if you are in a methadone program, that means “you are still an addict.” Meanwhile, I have been researching the topic and science has repeatedly shown that when combined with therapy or a recovery program, methadone provides better outcomes than any other recovery method around. To judge all people on methadone just because the drug can potentially get people high (if high doses are taken) and that some people abuse the system is just unfair and ignorant.

August 10, 2013 My days these last couple of months all seem the same and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. I wake up at 8 am, read a little bit of the Bible and my NA book, read books, go to a meeting or two, watch sports. Part of my plan with my recovery coach has been to use these first few months to just focus on my recovery and build a solid foundation. After I do that, then it will be time to look at getting a job and so forth. Though this is all going to change in just a couple weeks with college starting, I feel like all the days are one big mega day.

August 16, 2013 (3 months Sober) I am 3 months sober today! I can hardly believe this is me, Aaron Emerson. I got a 90 day keytag from my NA homegroup the other day (they celebrate sobriety milestones by days in the first three months) and I was so proud of myself. It’s so weird to think about. When I first started going to meetings, I would see someone get a 90 day keytag and think to myself, “wow, how do they do that? That’s so long.” But here I am, using that same key tag on my key set. Even though I don’t drive yet (my mom has been driving me places to keep me safe), I still carry it around. The next milestone that’s celebrated in NA is 6 months, I wonder if I will make it? 58

August 25, 2013 I am officially a college student. I had my first day of class the other day and it went great. The class I’m taking at Lansing Community College is called “First Year Experience” and is for students just entering college. It teaches us how to perform positive study habits, what to expect, different learning styles, and anything that an introductory course would go over. I thought this would be a solid place to start my college life since I haven’t been to school in like 6 years. My professor is really nice, a lady that seems to care about getting to know us. Even though it’s only a developmental class, I am excited and nervous, as well as proud.

September 1, 2013 One of the most challenging parts of my recovery has been the mood swings. Though they aren’t extreme, I get depressed quite a bit. I think about my past and get scared of my future. I worry that nobody will ever hire me because I have three felonies and think about the pain I’ve inflicted. I stress about relapse and fear that what I have will be given up by a foolish attempt to get high “one more time.” I try my best not to think about that kind of stuff and just stay in the moment, in the day, but it’s hard. But some days I just get down for no reason. I’ll just feel like my recovery isn’t worth it and I would be better off using drugs. Learning how to deal with depression and anxiety is something I have to do if I want to live a life of recovery, so I am thinking about seeing a counselor to work on some of these issues.

September 12, 2013 The longer I stay sober and the more I get more involved with college, the more I am starting to feel “normal.” Whatever the hell normal means, I don’t know if I want that. Normal scares me. I have never believed in a “normal,” but I am starting to feel like a regular person. The problem is I’ve never felt like this and it’s scaring me. I think if I reach down and try to figure out why, I realize it scares me because I’m scared it will be ripped away. All I’ve ever wanted was to not be an addict, not be a loser, and to feel like everybody else. And now that I’m starting to feel that way, I am scared to go back. I’m so fearful of being an addict again. I pray about it a lot, I ask God to help me stay in the day. I’m confident Jesus is with me at all times and that helps me gain assurance, but still, I stay scared.

September 29, 2013 As my college course is in full gear and I have been busy fulfilling my recovery activities, I haven’t been journaling much lately. But one thing I wanted to write about today is the love I have for my daughter. I have been getting her once a week, which is amazing 59

right now. There was a long period of time where I never thought I would be in her life like this, but now I am actually trusted with a scheduled day! It started out when I was clean for about a month; I would go over to her Mom’s house and visit with her for an hour. Then she started having me watch her by myself. Now I am actually allowed a scheduled day. It is a miracle. God really performs miracles.

October 12, 2013 It was my sister’s birthday party today, the first family birthday I’ve celebrated since entering recovery. The energy and attitude was so much different, a lot more positive. It was like she actually looked at me as her brother again, not just a shell of my old self. She told me later on in a text message that the best present she got all day was having me back. That is saying alot coming from her, as she doesn’t always show a lot of her emotions.

October 16, 2013 I have been clean for 154 days today, which is just over 5 months. It doesn’t even seem like it, the time has gone by so fast. But anyway, I created a website the other day and started my own blog. It’s called Christian Recovery, and I made it to share my story with others. I love writing and am very passionate about sharing my story. I think if I can get my story out there it could help some people, so that’s my main goal in this blog.

October 23, 2013 Wow! What a day I had yesterday! Where do I even begin to start? Yesterday was the first official meeting for Families Against Narcotics (FAN) in the Lansing area. FAN was started in Fraser, Michigan to offer support to opiate addicts and their families. It is really growing and spreading throughout Michigan and Phil is the person who has been in charge of getting a group started in Lansing. Anyway, last night was the first meeting and Channel 10 WILX news was there. They were doing a feature story on the group and wanted to share a story on the news about a recovering addict and their family. So they got a hold of me after Phil recommended interviewing me and knowing I had a blog. The reporter, Josh Sidorowicz, was a real nice guy and was intrigued by my story so he did a long piece on me, they actually made it the top story on the 11 o’clock news! I actually got to share my story on the news! I talked about my addiction and how I got clean and what I’m doing today. They also interviewed my family and it was just an amazing experience. The most important part of this is that I know countless addicts or family members of addicts were watching and got to see some hope! God is doing great work through me somehow, isn’t that crazy?! How much grace does our God have that somebody like me could be used as an instrument? 60

October 24, 2013 The world is a cruel place. I guess I’ve always known that but it really hit me last night. WILX posted the segment of my news story on their Facebook page and I made the dumb decision to read the comment thread. What I saw hurt me a lot, but I’m starting to get over it. Almost a dozen people made nasty remarks on my story. One guy said, “Just let all the junkies die, it will help society.” Other people were saying heroin addicts are worthless and weak and all of this insanely hurtful stuff. There were also a lot of nice comments, people wishing me well and hoping FAN can help people. But the weight of all of that cruelty was too much. I guess I will turn the other cheek as long as one person was helped out or inspired by my story. I have developed some thick skin over the years, but I am not going to lie and act like some of those comments didn’t bother me.

October 25, 2013 I think I’m going to get hired as a seasonal worker at Family Christian. I have been thinking about getting a job lately and it’s part of my recovery plan with Phil. Family Christian is a book and music store that obviously sells Christian supplies. I go there all the time to get CDs and books and have gotten to know a lot of the employees there. I saw that they were hiring and thought it would be a job I could do while going to school. With my class and NA meetings I am pretty busy, but definitely not too busy. Phil and I agreed I’m ready to take that next step and start looking for a job. I’m really praying about it and the manager there seems to think I could get it.

November 9, 2013 I’m feeling dejected, angry, and a little hurt all bottled up, creating one big, raw emotion. I had a second interview at Family Christian and it went really good. The manager seemed very pleased with my responses and passion. However, once my application went through to upper management, they denied me because I have a criminal record. I was open about it to the manager in the interview and she thought if she talked to her bosses about me they could overlook it. She told me she was going to tell them that I was the best option out of all the candidates and that I had cleaned up my life and was gonna recommended me. Even knowing all of that, Family Christian overlooked their store’s management recommendation and denied me. I will never shop at that hypocritical store again in my life. They claim to be a Christianbased business but obviously they are not very forgiving and are extremely judgemental. Very, very disappointed in them. I guess that’s something I am gonna have to get used to, even though I’m changing my life. 61

November 16, 2013 (6 Months Clean) Well, this is one of the best days of my life. Six months clean. It seems like an eternity, but at the same time, it feels like the time has flown by. Putting it in perspective, I haven’t taken a drug, shot, smoke, or even a drink of alcohol in six whole months. I have a lot of people that have helped me get here, though. First and foremost, my recovery coach Phil. Then my first sponsor, Lance, and my second sponsor Frank. Frank was a huge inspiration to me and helped me get going on the first two steps of NA. He and his wife Emily moved out to Battle Creek, though, and I decided it would be best to get a new sponsor. It was a tough decision, but I think it would be hard to have a long distance sponsor. I asked a guy in my home group (Hugs Not Drugs) named Kirk and he said yes. Kirk has been clean for a few years and is one of the nicest guys I’ve met. I’m so thankful for all of my sponsors and Phil.

November 17, 2013 I was featured in a front page story of the Lansing State Journal today. The LSJ did a huge feature story on the heroin epidemic in the Lansing area and got a hold of me for an interview. They shared the story of Phil’s son Eric, who died of an overdose, and of another overdose victim, a young girl. They talked about how the area is seeing a boom in overdose deaths and gave a bunch of statistics on the deaths and addiction. Then they shared my story of how I got into recovery. I was sort of the hope shot of the article and it was awesome. It was the front page story of the Sunday paper, so once again, my story is being used for something very positive!

November 18, 2013 A new day equals a new journey. Now that I’m clean, each day is very much the same, but at the same time, each day is a new opportunity. I have gotten over the disappointment of my criminal record holding me back from a job I wanted and am trying to stay positive. Each day presents a chance for us humans to fulfill our potential, help others, and love everyone. That is good enough for me.

Chapter 17: Alison

December 1, 2013 I went on a date yesterday. It was the first date I have been on in well over a year. I know that sounds pathetic but I’ve really been trying to focus on myself. But I messaged this girl I know a little on Facebook and we really hit it off. Her name is Alison and she has beautiful, long brown hair and is absolutely gorgeous. We started talking a lot and realized we have a lot in common. I really, really like her and the date went as good as I could have imagined. I told her a little about my past, though, and am hoping that doesn’t scare her or make her reserved to get to know me more. I figured it would be best to be upfront with her to prevent any wasted time.

December 7, 2013 Another family birthday to celebrate while in recovery. This time it was David’s birthday and it went amazing. I am so proud of my brother. He had to check himself into rehab a few months ago because his prescription pill habit got out of hand. He started taking vicodin for a sports injury and he eventually became addicted to them. It got so bad that he was taking 15 to 20 pills a day and he finally worked up enough courage to tell all of us about it and get better. At first I was really hurt over it because he used to be hard on me sometimes during my active addiction. I sort of felt like that was all hypocritical, but after I really thought about it and got past the emotions, I realized the only time he was truly an asshole about my addiction was when I stole his stuff. He was always as supportive as any brother could have been. I really admire him now for being able to tell all of his family about it and humble himself by checking into rehab. He is doing a lot better now and it’s great to see him happy on his birthday.

December 16, 2013 I’m pretty sure Alison and I are an official couple. A couple days ago I just came out and asked her straight up if we could make it official and she said yes. It has happened pretty fast but I’ve never felt this way. The way we have so many of the same goals in life, how we feel when we are together, the way she looks at me, and how I feel complete when I’m around her just makes me head over heals for her. I am confident this is more than just a fling. I am excited to see what’s in store for us.

December 24, 2013

God, how I love Christmas season. I literally feel like a little kid. This is the first Christmas in many, many years that I’ve been able to fully enjoy it. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday but, for obvious reasons, I haven't had the opportunity to appreciate it. Thinking about the birth of Jesus and enjoying the beauty of Christmas trees and lights were the last things on my mind. The only thing I worried about during past Christmases was how I was going to get high before my family and I left for our family gatherings or what I could possibly get away with pawning.

December 25, 2013 Like I wrote yesterday, the last several years were full of trying to get high on Christmas. This season I was stressing about what to get for Melody and Alison. Guess what? I bought both of them presents and I’m so proud of myself. I am going to see Melody later to give her my presents and I’m hanging out with Alison, too. My parents got me some pretty cool gifts and I am having one of the best days of my life. I can’t help but think about Jesus. I shouldn’t even be here right now, but his grace kept me alive and gave me another chance at life. So on the day that we celebrate the birth of Christ, I am eternally grateful for him.

January 17, 2014 I haven’t been writing much during the past few weeks, but I think that’s a good thing right now. I got a 4.0 in my college class last semester and I signed up for a couple more classes this semester. They are two social work classes and they seem pretty interesting. I was able to celebrate Melody’s third birthday a couple days ago, as well. It was amazing. It was the first time I have actually been present during her party and was able to get her some presents. It was one of the best feelings of my life, seeing her open my presents. The way she smiled and said “Daddy got me this!” felt better than any heroin shot I could ever draw up. I’m finally starting to feel like a real Dad.

Chapter 18: Mason Today

January 20, 2014 I started writing for a newspaper this month. The owner and publisher of Mason Today came across my blog somehow and got a hold of me and told me he was impressed. I said thank you and a couple days later I asked him if he would ever be interested in me writing some sports stories for him. He told me he would want me to cover a game and send a sample before he made it official. I went to a Mason basketball game and wrote up a story on it, and he liked it. He put it up on the website and offered me a chance to write stories for them. He said it could turn into a paid job if I show him I can be reliable so that’s what I’m doing right now. I absolutely love it. Writing has truly become a passion for me and my blog is doing well. I have a subscriber list numbering about 50 readers that I send out my blogs to. Writing for Mason Today just gives me another chance to build my resume and develop my skills.

January 30, 2014 It’s such a blessing to have a girlfriend that is supportive of my recovery. A young, beautiful, smart, educated girl is with me, a recovering heroin addict. Not only is she with me, but she goes to NA meetings with me if they are open to the public, she doesn’t drink or smoke, she is supportive of all of my recovery plans with Phil, and so much more. She is truly a gift from God. One of my fears in recovery was that I would never find a girl my age who would be with a recovering addict unless she was in recovery herself and could relate. I prayed and asked God to put a girl in my life if it was his will. Not only did the Lord put a girl in my life, he gave me a gem. I’m just a little fearful that she will eventually realize she could do better than somebody who’s main focus is on a recovery plan from heroin. I think about that a lot.

February 7, 2014 Sometimes I wonder to myself what Melody will think of me when she finds out about my past. What will go through her head when she finds out her Dad was a heroin addict? Will she resent me if she knows I wasn’t around in her life for a year?

February 14, 2014 Valentine's Day. My Mom’s birthday. Recovery. What a blessing. Alison told me a couple weeks ago that Valentine’s is her favorite holiday. So for the rest of my life (hopefully) I will be able to celebrate my Mom’s day and my girlfriend’s love on the same 65

day. I’m going to spend some time with my Mom today and then Alison and I are going out to eat. I got her a big box of chocolate and a necklace. One of the coolest parts about recovery is having money to spend! Just think how much money I could have saved if I didn’t blow thousands on drugs. But I’m really trying not to dwell on stuff, it makes me stress. Not that I will ever stop, but I’m at least trying.

February 28, 2014 Josh is starting to pay me for writing. I get paid for each article I write for Mason Today. The business is really growing and the website is getting a ton of traffic. Josh told me that if I keep working hard my pay will increase as the business grows, which looks pretty good for me at this point. I really appreciate Josh. He is truly trying to make a difference in the community and he gave me a good opportunity, especially knowing my story. The world of journalism is crazy. Most newspapers are controlled by multibillion dollar companies and all that matters is the bottom line. The community service of informing the people has been lost and that’s why Josh started Mason Today. In a way, this is a way for me to give back.

Chapter 19: Making A Difference

March 5, 2014 A couple weeks ago I spoke to a group of people out in South Lyon, Michigan. They are trying to start a Families Against Narcotics group and Phil brought me along to have me share my story. I was so nervous. It was the first time I’ve shared my story in public like that. In front of a bunch of strangers, among them local police, probation officers, judges, teachers, and concerned citizens, I talked about my addiction and how FAN has helped me in my recovery. It was so nervewracking but afterwards I felt so good. A lot of people came up to me after the forum to tell me how touched they were. To know my addiction could possibly help someone else is such a fulfilling feeling.

March 9, 2014 It looks like March is going to test my public speaking abilities! On the 15th I am going to be one of the featured speakers at a large benefit dinner to help fund rehab for people who can’t afford it. It’s arranged by a group called “Andy’s Angels,” and Phil recommended me to the guy who runs it, Mike Hirst. There are going to be hundreds of people there to raise money and I am one of the three or four featured guest speakers. I am so nervous, but also very excited. I really want to use my story to help people but I am not good at talking in public like that. Anyway, the day after that I’m going back down to the Jackson area to a big church with my Dad. We are sharing our story with a youth group.

March 15, 2014 I’m getting ready for bed but I doubt I will fall asleep any time soon. I’m amped up. I spoke at that benefit tonight and I think I did a pretty good job. Phil estimated there were 200300 people in attendance. I took about 15 minutes to talk about my addiction, how I got clean, and what I’m doing today in recovery. The reception I got was well, everyone seemed to be paying attention and a bunch of people talked to me when the event finished up. People always used to tell me that there was a plan for my life and I never believed them. Maybe it is finally starting to play out. Maybe I had to go through all of that crazy stuff to help others. I don’t know, but I felt so good coming off that stage knowing my story could be helping somebody.

March 20, 2014 67

I haven’t had much time to write lately. That seems to come and go. With school and writing more for Mason Today, I have been busier than I’ve ever been. But I really get a lot out of writing in here. I spoke in front of a pretty big youth group down at a church in Jackson a few days ago and I think my story resonated with a lot of the young people there. There were probably 40 or 50 kids who heard me and my Dad’s story. Alison came and sat in the back to support me. Afterwards, several kids came up to me and told me they got something out of it. That’s what it’s all about. That’s my life now, knowing a young kid may not pick up a drug or make a bad decision because he knows what it can do. I know when I was that age, I thought I was invincible so I doubt one story will do the trick. But if they can get it in their heads that addiction is not foreign or something confined in the ghetto, it becomes more real. Addiction is affecting the rich, poor, old, young, black, white, kids of doctors, kids of prisoners, kids from the suburbs, moms from the suburbs, kids from farm towns, farmers, everyone. Two days after speaking to the youth group I shared my story again. The city of Big Rapids was holding a town forum for their growing drug problem, and Phil and I were invited to speak. There were probably about 20 people there.

March 23, 2014 Sometimes I just reflect on love. Love is a powerful thing. Love is something I can’t explain and something I often feel I don’t deserve. But I guess God feels otherwise because he blessed me with Alison. I have never felt this way about anyone. I never thought someone as beautiful and smart as her could love me the way she does. Unconditionally. Love me for my strengths. Love me for my weaknesses. Love. I can’t describe it. But I have it.

March 25, 2014 I had somebody come up to me at a NA meeting the other day a young guy maybe around 26 or 27 and thank me. He said he read one of my blogs I wrote about my recovery and it motivated him to reach out to somebody. He even went as far to tell me I’m the reason he was at that meeting. I just told him that he was the one who made the decision to get some help and told him he should be proud of himself. I couldn’t help but feel inspired, though. Helping others is sort of my life now. I don’t want riches in life, I don’t want a huge house or an amazing job. I just want peace, happiness, family, God, and the knowledge that I’m making a difference in the world.

March 30, 2014 It’s been an amazing month. March was really good to me. Yesterday was Andy’s birthday and it was great to celebrate it with him and give him a present. Earlier this month I testified in front of the Michigan House of Representatives. I didn’t journal about 68

it, but there is a bill being presented in the legislature to provide first responders in Michigan with Narcan. Narcan, or Naloxone, is a drug that reverses opioid/heroin overdoses. In states that have tried it, it’s saved hundreds of lives. Pilot programs around the country have shown how effective it is. As it stands, only hospitals and certain ambulance workers carry it. The bill would allow police officers to carry it. I was given Narcan in the hospital one time when I overdosed and it helped wake me up some. It is truly a miracle drug, one that could save lives. Phil is a huge proponent for it. He was supposed to talk in front of the House committee that was talking about the bill but he couldn’t make it, so he had me and my Dad go for him. We met with the representative who is sponsoring the bill and he was really cool. So I shared my story in front of the House committee and told them that as a recovering addict that’s been saved by the drug, I would highly recommend them to pass the bill. The representatives all seemed to appreciate me and wished me luck. It was amazing. I was so nervous. Me, Aaron Emerson, a heroin addict, sharing my story in front of the Michigan government.

April 1, 2014 Yesterday afternoon I shared the story of my addiction and recovery to a high school for the first time. Phil and I went to Dansville High School, a small school outside of Mason, to talk about the dangers of opiate and heroin use. I was more nervous than usual because most of my speeches thus far have been to groups and forums associated with drug use or recovery. But speaking and putting myself out there to a bunch of high schoolers is a little different. It went really well, though.

April 15, 2014 Next month I will if it’s God’s will be celebrating one whole year of sobriety. I’m so excited to go to my Narcotics Anonymous homegroup, have a big gathering and get my first celebratory coin. But I wanted to write in here about the cravings I’ve been having. Once in awhile I think about heroin and sometimes it turns into an intense desire to get high. I don’t really want to do it because I know if I use even just one time it won’t be enough. I would lose all of my clean time I’ve worked so hard to sustain and there would be a solid chance I would fall back into a habit. But that doesn’t mean the cravings and urges don’t manifest, though. After all, this is a disease and my brain still wants that pleasure it got wired to depend on. Sometimes the urges are harder to fight than others. When they start to get rough, I give Phil or my sponsor a call and they help talk me through it. Alison is also very helpful in those situations. Sometimes I tell her about my cravings and she does an amazing job of calming me down.

April 29, 2014 69

As another semester of college is coming to a close, a birthday of my Dad’s that I can actually celebrate in sobriety is approaching, and one year of clean time is a couple weeks away, I’m hopeful. Hope is something I could only dream about for such a long time. I always wanted hope, but it never came. The misery of an addict is impossible to explain. All of the doom and pain and bondage is combined with the guilt and selfhatred that comes along with the fact that knowing the addiction was selfinflicted. It’s like unintentionally killing yourself and becoming a ghost, constantly replaying your life over and over again, just wishing you could become human and whole again. But you can’t, and you know it’s all because of your own mistakes. Anyway, that feeling is mostly gone from my life now. There’s hope. Hope for a future. A future that I can actually enjoy.

May 5, 2014 The joy I saw in my dad’s eyes today was undeniable. He was so, so proud of me on his birthday. I spent most of the day with him, a day that brought so much hope. A day that all but seemed to erase the pain I once caused him. He told me, “I got my boy back.” That about sums it up. My mom was always the person I went to during my addiction to talk, get stuff off my chest, and even to cry to. But it was always my dad I wanted to make proud. And today, I made him proud. I remember the way he used to boast about me after I would score a couple touchdowns in a football game. But somehow, me being with him all day on his birthday sober made his day more than anything else could have.

Chapter 20: It’s Time To Celebrate

May 16, 2014 (One year sober) There are no destinations in recovery. There is no end result. There’s not a point where you wave a flag and say, “Well, I did it. I won.” Recovery from the disease of addiction is a journey, one that never ceases to exist until, well, death. Dying sober is winning. But in this life of recovery, there are only ups and downs. And today, I am celebrating a milestone. I’m “up.” I am one year sober. I believe this is the proudest I have ever been. My family is holding a celebration at my house for me, a barbecue. I just took a break for a minute to come back into my room because I want to record this moment as it’s happening. Alison, my parents, my brothers and sister and their significant others are all here. Phil is here. My sponsor Kirk is here. Melody is here. All I can think about is how much love I have been blessed with. I have the most supportive, beautiful girlfriend I could have ever dreamed of. I have the cutest daughter in the world. I have a set of parents that have never given up. Brothers and a sister that have all stuck by my side. And an amazing support system in Phil and Kirk that have at times seemingly carried me through fire. But most importantly, I have a God that showed me grace I didn’t deserve. A God that not only bestowed these blessings upon me, but a God that gave me the courage to finally give recovery a shot. A God that somehow gave me the strength to finally fight heroin cravings. A God that showed me fun and joy in recovery is a reality. Philippians 4:13 says that with Jesus, all things are possible. Those used to be simple words to me. But today, I know that there is power in that verse.

Blogs in Recovery *The following are a few writings that Aaron and his father wrote in his recovery that were NOT journal entries. Some of the following were posted on Aaron’s blog. Grammar is still not corrected.

McDonald’s Cup (Written by Aaron’s father, Wes Emerson, on December 13, 2013) The other day while searching for some staples in my filing cabinet, I uncovered something I had put away two or three years ago. Beneath various office supplies in the bottom drawer, there it was: A five yearold McDonald’s beverage container, complete with the lid attached and drinking straw emerging from the top. As I held this container in my hand, memories of past sorrow and emotional pain began to flood my mind the heartache of seeing my son, Aaron, struggle with drug abuse and the consequences that followed. Allow me to tell you the story behind the cup, for it represents the grief that we as parents endure, watching helplessly as our sons and daughters destroy themselves with drugs and, inevitably, are taken away from us. The McDonald’s container illustrates the sorrow of a father and the things we do to cope with the demon of addiction.

In his writings Aaron has shared openly about his experiences with drug addiction, which began in 2006 at the age of fifteen. He quickly found himself “in the system,” and was placed on probation numerous times. By age 17, Aaron’s drug use was totally out of control. Upon violating probation again for testing positive for heroin, he was faced with a court appearance before Judge Richard Garcia, a judge in the Ingham County Juvenile Court. As we left for court that morning, we knew Aaron would not be coming home with us. I knew it. His mother knew it. Aaron knew it. While we knew he desperately needed help, it pained us to think about being separated from him again.

On the way to court that fall morning, Aaron asked me to stop at the McDonald's drivethrough, no doubt thinking this could be his last decent food he would have for some time. I believed he ordered a burger, fry, and….a drink. He consumed his “last supper” on the way to the courthouse, and the beverage container was left in the cup holder in the back seat of my car. On that day, Judge Garcia ordered Aaron to be placed at Wolverine Secure Treatment Center for one year. He would be lodged in the Ingham County Jail until an opening at Wolverine occurred. A deputy escorted my son out of the courtroom. The look on Aaron’s face broke my heart. The pain I felt is hard to put into words. We drove together to Lansing and now, my son was gone. We were separated again. Upon entering out vehicle, I cried. 72

Later that day, I noticed the McDonald’s cup in the backseat cup holder. Normally, I would toss an empty container in the garbage can, but this cup was different. It represented our last moments with him before he was taken away due to his addiction. Once again, I wept in deep sorrow. When I entered the house, McDonald’s cup in hand, I headed for my office, and placed the beverage container on my desk. There it would remain for over two years, never removed from its position. This may sound crazy, but this container reminded me of a few minutes with my boy. No matter what he had done, Aaron was still my son, and I dearly loved him. Wolverine was two hours away. Visitation was allowed once a month. We spent Thanksgiving without Aaron, then Christmas and New Year’s, family dinners and Easter. I would sit at my desk, look at the cup, and think of him and pray for him.

My wife asked me more than once, “Why do you keep this cup on your desk?” In response I would say, “I don’t know. I can’t explain it, but in some strange way it makes me feel close to him. It was the last thing we did for him before he was taken into custody.” Custody is an appropriate term for Wolverine, and many other facilities promising substance abuse and mental health treatment. Wolverine was, in essence, a prison for youth, offering very minimal help for addiction and nothing for mental health. Aaron’s probation officer finally removed him from the facility after eight months when he finally realized how inept they really were there.

Our pain as parents would continue for several more years. Aaron spent seven months in the dingy, cold confines of the Ingham County Jail, followed by an entire year in that cruel, dark place with murderers, drug dealers, armed robbers, perverts, and crooked cops. Visiting my son in that jail tore my heart out. Being separated from a child you love is devastating. But finally, by the grace of God, Aaron had enough. He was ready for recovery, tired of the demonic torments of heroin addiction. He is seven months clean. We got our son back!

And the McDonald’s cup? Well, it’s back on my desk. Finding it in the drawer did bring back past memories, but this old, used container is a beacon of hope for addicts and their families who love them. Don’t give up! Don’t lose hope! Never stop loving your child. As long as there is breath, there is hope. As the old saying goes, “Let go and let God!” He still performs miracles, and He loves you no matter what you have done!

December 31, 2013 I just finished doing my devotions and praying so I’m trying to brainstorm some ideas to blog about. I want to write a blog about the past year. It’s New Year's Eve so I think I 73

should make a post about it on my site. After all, this is the year that I got clean. May 16th, to be exact. I spent a majority of the year sober. Isn’t that crazy?

Anyway, I’m having a pretty good day, so far. Once again, I woke up in the arms of my lover. Alison Buttrey is the love of my life. Each day I fall in love with her more and harder. There are no words that can accurately explain the feelings I have for this beautiful girl. Maybe it’s because I have never felt like this and I don’t know where it came from.

I think it is love. Actually, I know it is love. I never dreamed that love felt like this. It is the best feeling in the world. It feels better than a shot of heroin. True love.

When Melody Finds Out The other day I was thinking about writing a blog or journal on living a life of recovery while fighting depression. Some days it feels like my whole world is caving in and another six hours feels unbearable, but I know deep down I’m thinking stupid thoughts. But there’s something else that nags at me in this life: regret.

Every addict or person in recovery from addiction deals with regret. If you don’t, well, you may want to get checked out to see if you have a pulse or a heart. The pain I feel when I think back on how much I hurt my parents and my siblings is pretty intense sometimes. The other day I saw an Intervention documentary, a young heroin addict was so hooked that he stole his Dad’s laptop and pawned it. To see the pain and anger his Dad felt was hard because I’ve done the same things, but to also see how bad the addict felt was tough too. He didn’t want to steal that computer. When he was confronted, he just put his head down and let his father call him a loser and junkie, throwing him up against a wall.

That’s the life addicts live. Stealing to feed a vicious, life sucking habit, then having to get high again to cover up the pain of hurting your family. But sometimes as a person in recovery, it’s even harder to think about what we did in our addiction because we can’t cover it up anymore.

So that brings me to something I haven’t had to go through yet, but one I am fearful of. My daughter. Innocent Melody. She’s five years old. Like any other girl, Melody loves Frozen, playing games, and watching children’s shows. But unlike any other girl, her Dad used to be a heroin addict. She has no idea.

What happens when she learns this? What will she think when she finds out I was in jail for a whole year, from the time she was born until her first birthday. Will she feel like she might not have been good enough that I then relapsed when I got out of jail? Will she blame me for the reason her Mom and I aren’t together, that she has had to live her entire life going back and forth between homes?

I don’t know the answers to those questions. I have a special little girl and I know she loves her Dad. But still, I know she’s going to have questions, doubts, and I think about it often. But this is the life I made for myself. One of the areas I have grown the most in is being able to take responsibility for my actions. Though I know addiction is a disease and I never purposely tried to hurt anyone, the fact of the matter is I did. My Dad used to always say in my early recovery that he has his boy back, but in a sense, it was still me that was using. I was still Aaron Emerson. And now I have to live with that.

I also don’t want to relay selfpity. I don’t write this stuff to try to gain sympathy, just to allow other addicts and people in recovery the opportunity to relate. Because I know this is something they all feel. Also, this blog and my journals give me a chance to get this crap off my mind. When I hold it in, depression sinks in.

But watching that documentary on that addict really took me back, and it hurt. I love Intervention and other addiction documentaries because they show people what it’s really like. But they can also be triggers for people like me. Anyway, I started thinking about my regrets and Melody popped in my head. She deserves the world and I’m going to give it to her. But what will she think when she finds out?

So Sick of Overdoses A couple of days ago – Saturday to be exact – I learned some devastating news. It’s the kind of news I have been hearing all too often. A girl I went to school with at Mason passed away from a drug overdose.

She was just one grade ahead of me throughout my youth and it was someone I used to associate with when I was in my party stage. I’m not going to act like we were extremely close or anything, as I hadn’t talked to her in a few years since I entered recovery. However, it was a peer, somebody that was just like me. Somebody that had the same struggles I did. Somebody that could have very well been me.

I am not going to share her name publicly on here, as I’m not sure the family would be happy about that, but it has been on my mind lately. My hometown – Mason, Michigan – has had several young people die in the last few years from drug overdoses. Heroin and 75

opioids have been a well known problem here, as is pretty much the case in every town in the U.S.

Frankly, I am sick of hearing about them. I am sick of heroin. I am sick of painkillers. I am sick of people I grew up with dying from this shit. But I have the feeling this problem isn’t going to go away anytime soon. I can’t help but wonder what one of my old friends that are still using will be next. I wish I didn’t have to think like that.

There is hope. Trust me, if I can find recovery from an addiction that saw me put behind bars several times, in and out of rehabs every year, and seemingly hopeless, I know anyone can. But it’s so frustrating when I find out about another person dying from this stuff. I will never give up on spreading the message of recovery and hope, but sometimes it’s exhausting.

I wish I could prove that recovery is fun. I wish I could show that it is such a better option than living in bondage to drugs. But people in addiction just can’t see that. They are blinded and stuck. It’s so sad. I remember how that used to feel. I remember feeling like I was never going to stop using, that I had no hope.

But somehow God pulled me out of that crazy mess of a life I was living. Looking back, it’s a miracle. But today I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging or to act like my life is so great today. I simply want to let people know that addiction is not a life sentence. There is hope. I also want to remember and honor another amazing person with so much potential that was lost to this battle. Addiction doesn’t define us. I hope her family can remember her for all of the good she provided. That is my prayer.

If you are reading this, please know there is hope. If you know somebody in addiction, please tell them that you care about them today. if you know somebody in recovery, please tell them you are proud of them today. If you know someone that has died from this disease, please remember all of the positives they brought to this world today. And if you are currently in addiction, please know there is a better life awaiting you today. I promise.

How a Verse in Jail Saved My Life It started inside the walls of the Ingham County Jail. I was attending a Bible study class the jail’s chaplain was running. Looking back, I was only at the study to be able to get out of my cell for a few minutes.

But something I saw inside that gloomy, smelly, depressing room changed my life. I happened to look up and notice a large painting toting a Bible verse on the wall.

Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Wow. A plan for me? A hopeless heroin addict serving a year in jail? A plan that offers hope and a future? No way. But I kept staring at that painting.

Something inside me at that moment shifted. For a brief instance inside that jail, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace.

I’ve always believed in God, but poor decisions I had made up to that point saw me become addicted to heroin, a thief, and depressed. I knew God could perform miracles, but I was convinced I was a lost cause. I could never stay away from dope. It was the only thing that made me feel normal, made me feel like I belonged and fit in. Without heroin, I felt awkward, sad, angry and hopeless.

But on that day, God spoke to me through that verse. I could feel him begging for my attention, telling me I was worth more than the Aaron currently sitting in black and white stripes. And for the first time in my life, I finally felt like there was a future waiting for me if I simply asked God to guide me.

I started reading my Bible in jail, started praying, and I began to feel a sliver of hope. I often repeated in my head that verse from Jeremiah proclaiming hope. Those words changed me.

Though I felt hope for the first time, I wasn’t totally ready to do whatever was necessary to find recovery. I relapsed when I got out of jail. But I still knew that God was there for me, waiting to give me a hand when I called out to him. That is exactly what happened.

I eventually found a recovery coach, got involved in 12Step groups, and devoted my life to God. I got sober and found recovery. I rebuilt my family relationships. I got back in my daughter’s life. I found a girl that had never touched drugs in her life, ready to start a life with me – a recovering heroin addict. We are still together and she has been a huge part of why I am still sober today.

I am now a reporter for a respected community newspaper and am the news editor for my college’s newspaper. I am a totally different person than the 20 year old that walked into the Bible study room in the Ingham County Jail. 77

Jeremiah 29:11 changed my life. It remains undoubtedly my favorite verse today and it holds a special place in my heart. There was a plan for my life, there was strength waiting for me.

If you are addicted or struggling with something today, please know that there is hope. If you are alive, hope is alive. I promise. If you have a loved one that is in active addiction, know that they, too, can find recovery. Miracles can and do happen.

A Recovering Addict’s Apology Letter to His Parents Dear Mom and Dad,

Two years into a long, steep hike of this mountain I call recovery, my nowclear mind often brings notsoclear flashes of the past. Out of all the painful memories that still haunt me from my years of heroin addiction, the ones that remain the strongest are the ones that involve you.

The tears, heartbreak, sadness, anxiety, and fear you once lived with is mostly gone. However, I can’t help but think about it. After all, it did happen. The addict that inflicted so much hurt on his loved ones was not the boy you raised. But the memories did not get wiped away after the “old Aaron” returned.

That is the reason I write this letter. It is truly the least I could ever do to apologize. I know you will say that continuing my life of recovery is all you want, but here I go anyway.

I’m sorry for the hurt. I’m sorry for the tears. I’m sorry for the embarrassment. I’m sorry for the shame. I’m sorry I stole from you. I’m sorry I lied to you. I’m sorry I broke your heart.

I apologize you had to make a weekly visit through glass for a year at a horrid residence, the dark place with an address 640 N. Cedar Street, also known as the Ingham County Jail. A place five miles from your home, but so, so far away. I regret that I didn’t give the first couple rehabs a chance. I still hate that you had to drop me off at a homeless shelter when most parents were leaving their teenager at a university.

I can’t even begin to put myself in your shoes, especially the night that you had to decide between an ambulance or driving me to the hospital. Overdosing, did you have time to wait for paramedics? 78

What did you think when I showed up one cold night at your warm home with a stranger that somehow found me? A guy that you quickly learned was a drug dealer, gun in his hand, asking you to pay my debts. It’s beyond my comprehension, how loving parents could think clearly in that moment, and for that I am so very sorry. I can’t begin to express the remorse I feel – deeply ingrained in my soul – for all that I have put you through.

I could go on further. I could say sorry until I’m blue, but I know you get the point. I just want you to know that all of those tragic and unimaginable situations were not for nothing. I made a vow three months into my recovery to turn the chaos and heartbreak into hope and change.

I have shared my story with many area high schools. I have made my addiction public in hopes of raising awareness. If even one teenager doesn’t make the same mistakes I did and not have to put his or her parents through the torture of addiction because of my story..then I will feel it wasn’t for nothing. But was it for something?

I don’t know. Only God knows the answer to that. What I do know, though, is that the unimaginable pain I put you through was real. The pain I feel today when I look back on the past is real. And for that I am sorry.

I know sorry won’t cut it, but I’m saying it anyway. Thanks for reading this letter, and may the joy we experience together in my recovery, OUR RECOVERY, make up for the pain I have caused.

With Much Love, Aaron Emerson

A Recovering Addict’s Christmas List Elimination of the words “junkie,” “crackhead,” “loser”: Have you ever seen a news article posted on Facebook about addiction or drugs and then made the decision to read the comment thread? My oh my, the ignorance.

I remember an article I was featured in for the Lansing State Journal a year or two ago. They wrote an article on the rising addiction and overdose statistics and then shared my story as a hope shot. Upon sharing it on their social media pages, many of their followers commented and shared their views on the story.

There were many people that shared levelheaded responses and offered support and kind words. Sadly, though, many people let it be known how little they are educated on 79

addiction. One guy commented and said, “Just let the junkies die. Let them use heroin so we can get all the scumbags out of society.” Another said, “Who cares about how junkies are doing?”

That is just a few examples. Our society uses so many nasty terms when referring to addicts. It’s sad.

More treatment over jail: This is an issue that has gotten more and more attention over the last few years but one that has still not made a whole lot of progress. There have been some great programs like drug courts, but too many addicts who have diseases are being locked up before any type of help is presented.

I know some people are so bad in their addiction that they become a threat to others, but there are so many more that get simple drug charges and commit petty thefts trying to support an addiction that get thrown straight in jail. This is unacceptable in a day and age where so much more is known about the effects addiction has on the brain. It has been proven that addiction is a disease of the brain. It’s time to start treating it like one.

No more cravings after recovery starts: One thing I have generally noticed in my recovery is that the longer I stay sober, the less frequent cravings to use manifest. But no matter what, they happen eventually. Addiction is a lifelong disease, so even though the brain heals over time, it never truly goes away. It can be treated and managed, but never cured.

That is why there are many stories around 12Step meetings and recovery circles of people who have stayed sober for 20 or 30 years relapsing. A recovering addict is never forced to use, but if we stop caring for our recovery, relapse is always a possibility. Wouldn’t it be nice to live a life free of cravings? A life where we never have to think about using a deadly drug?

Access to get rid of criminal records: Every state has different laws when it comes to wiping felony records away, but in most cases (if it can even be done) it takes a lot of money. In Michigan, two felonies can be erased if an individual has stayed out of trouble for several years and pays thousands of dollars for each felony. That is ridiculous. As long as a charge isn’t a sex offense or violent crime, there should be simpler access to wiping out felonies.

So many addicts, including myself, committed small crimes when they were using that will stick with them the rest of their lives. I don’t think it is right for a person who has legitimately changed his or her life, stayed out of trouble for years, and hasn’t used drugs to have to live a life with a record because of something small done while on drugs. Many people with tons of potential to offer the world will never be able to be doctors, police officers, lawyers, work with kids, or fulfill their dreams because they got caught with drugs, stole something, or did something while in active addiction.

No more dying or loss of friends: The subject speaks for itself. People in all of our communities are dying every single day due to addiction. So many addicts are dying of overdoses, young and old. Sadly, this will never stop. Drugs will always be around and misuse will always happen. But we can still wish and pray, right?

Damn You Heroin: A Poem (Written by Wes Emerson, Aaron’s father) Damn you heroin, the king of all drugs..brought to young kids by inner city thugs …

Damn you heroin: you change people’s lives…Ruining many sons, daughters, husbands and wives.

Damn You heroin, You came straight out of hell —Your dealers don’t use you, They know you too well.

Damn You heroin, when you first enter the vein, you yield a rush your victim will never again attain.

Damn You heroin, you just won’t go away …but your lovers pursue you day after day.

Damn You heroin, You’re but a big lie…Your users don’t care if they live or they die.

Damn You heroin, for you crush people’s dreams…You laugh as families fall apart at the seams.

Damn You heroin, you lay claim to the soul…Once healthy people are no longer whole.

Damn You heroin, how you make people wail…Your “clients” are rendered dead or in jail.

Damn You heroin, for the downfall you bring…Depression, hopelessness , shameful actions—of thee I sing. 81

Damn You heroin, for all you assail…But know in the end? Jesus Christ shall prevail!

About The Author

Aaron Emerson, born June 18, 1991 in Harrisburg, PA, has lived in Mason, MI since he was 2 years old. He is a reporter for Mason Today, a community newspaper in his hometown, and blogs about addiction and recovery on his website, www.aaronemersonblog.com.

He is an avid reader and a fan of all Detroit sports, as well as Michigan State University and University of Michigan athletics. He shares his message of hope and recovery and raises awareness on addiction at high schools and community events. Visit his website for more information.

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