BECOMING A DOLPHIN PARENT

Photo Credit: Stesha Jordan Photography

TRANSFORMING FROM TEACHER TO PARENT WITH THE ADVICE OF DR. SHIMI KANG

By Christina Ullyot, Director of Admissions [currently on maternity leave]

** Article written prior to Christina and Dane Ullyot becoming proud parents.

“A parent’s brain is exquisitely sensitive to every aspect of their child’s voice, smell, facial expressions, body language, and physical touch more than any other being.” Dr. Shimi Kang

As I approach the next chapter of my life (parenthood), I find myself wondering what I could or should be doing in preparation. Having been an educator for the past 10 years at Aberdeen Hall, 5 years in the classroom and 5 years in Admissions, I’ve had the absolute privilege of getting to know so many children!

Evidently, each child is unique. Some find academics challenging and others excel in the classroom. Some find friendships difficult and others seem to magnetically attract peers. Furthermore, some require more guidance and reminders and others seem ingrained to ‘follow the rules’.

About to embark on this journey myself, I decided to step back and reflect on the big parenting question: “How do I raise a healthy, happy, and self-motivated

child?”. The task ahead seems colossal yet I remain optimistic that I can create a well rounded, firmly grounded and compassionate human being (or so I hope). I am very curious about the age old debate of nature vs. nurture and how much my actual parenting skills will affect who my future child becomes, so I decided to turn to the advice of Dr. Shimi K. Kang. Shimi joined us at Aberdeen Hall February 2019 and presented to students, parents and teachers alike. Her presentation was extremely well received so naturally, her #1 National Bestseller “The Dolphin Parent” was my first stop.

Dr. Kang writes, “for both mother and father (or partner)...parenting literally changes how the brain is wired. [This] super sensitivity to our children is partly why parenting is so hard.” Right away, I too could relate to the feeling (or predicted feeling) between following your intuition amidst the fear of being the best parent possible.

She goes on to outline the following statistics…

“By 2020, depression is on track to be the number two cause of disease in the Western world and would be second only to heart disease. Prescription drug abuse is among the top health problems in the developed world, with youth in college being the fastestgrowing subgroup. More young people die of suicide than homicide and war combined. Around the world, we’re seeing a rise in children suffering from stress, anxiety, sleep deprivation, and addiction. We’re also seeing a rise in children with ‘overexercise’ injuries and concussions from sports, as well as ‘overstudying’ problems such as Although we know it to be true, the above is still shocking. I wanted to dig deeper into how to best help my child avoid the above stressors.

Dr. Kang explains her belief of the 2 types of parents: The Tiger Parent and the Dolphin Parent, and how our parenting style does affect to a great extent who our children become.

The Tiger Parent

Well intentioned but ultimately damaging, this aggressive parenting style is led by the misguided belief that life is ultimately a competition. Other terms you may have heard of include “helicopter”,”bubble wrapper” “lawn mower” or even further “snow plow” parents.

Essentially, Dr. Kang describes this parenting style as those who are fully dedicated and loving but interfere too soon by not allowing their child to fail. They control the environment and behaviours of their child by micromanaging each move (ie: hovering over infants, completing children’s homework, over-scheduling their extracurricular activities and even determining career paths for young adults). This is done to ensure obstacles do not get in the way of their child’s so-called “success”. But can we truly celebrate success without failure?

As Dr. Kang rhetorically asks, how do we ensure our children are balanced in an unbalanced world? Smart yet happy, practical yet passionate, safe yet independent and ambitious yet altruistic, without being so involved?

The Dolphin Parent

Guides rather than directs and encourages rather than instructs; dolphin parents teach by example.

Dr. Kang describes these parents as those who provide free time, engage and provide opportunities for play, favour community and contribution, are mindful of participation in their child’s activities (homework, friendships, sports etc.) and model good habits themselves (drinking water, fuelling with food, exercising daily, demonstrating breathing and mindfulness, limiting their own screen time and practicing healthy sleep habits).

I knew right away after reading her book that I would naturally tend to be a tiger; after all, I am an A type personality, thrive on structure and chose a profession where you are responsible for teaching others. However, I knew that diving into understanding “Dolphin Parenting” was innately the right thing to do.

Here are my biggest takeaways on how to become a Dolphin Parent:

Dolphins

• Aren’tontheprowl;don’tconstantly compete with other species

• Focus on play, exploration, sleep, exercise and social bonding (they are truly joyful and clever creatures!)

• Areself-reliantyetsociallyconnected; compassion to other pods or even other species and have been known to protect humans from shark attacks and to rescue beached whales

• Band together and focus on community such as swimming in

packs to predict themselves from predators

• Remain adaptable; adapt to feed on local prey if required

Dolphin Parents therefore...

• Usestatementsandbehavioursthat foster internal control for the child/ (ren) • Ask permission before giving advice • Ask open-ended questions • Change speaking/listening ratio • Reviewandratebenefits&drawbacks with their child/(ren) • Usestatementsandbehavioursthat emphasize commitment and support for their child/(ren) • Motivate by focusing on importance and confidence • Make learning fun! • Provideselectpositivereinforcement for positive behaviours • Avoid excessive or empty praise or emphasizing the process not the

DECEMBER 2020 UPDATE

car seats, doctor’s appointments, In The Dolphin Parent, Harvard-trained psychiatrist, expert in human motivation, and mother of three, Dr. Shimi Kang provides a guide to the art and science of inspiring children to develop their own internal drive and lifelong personal aspirations. Dr. Kang spoke at UBCO to a full house of Aberdeen Hall parents in February 2019. outcome • Lettheirchild/(ren)trybeforestepping in or providing feedback • Help break down a problem rather than solving it • Allowandencouragereasonablerisks • Donothing!Letyourchildexperience natural consequences

To conclude, Dr. Kang outlines that dolphin parents have to choose the dolphin way. They pay attention to the special bond they have with their children and use it to guide their children rather than control them. They act on what they know and ultimately feel great joy when their children are healthy, happy, self-motivated and truly successful. They adapt to change and support their children in realizing their true potential.

As I navigate the metaphorical parental waters myself this Fall for the first time, I look forward to using these principles and commit to remaining open about parenting discussions, continued growth & learning and lots and lots of reflection. I welcome any tips and advice while also understanding that failing is part of the process. Most importantly, if I do become a Siberian Tiger Mama,

Just over one month into being a parent, and of course, I have more questions than answers!

First off, as all the other parents/ guardians out there know, there is no adventure quite like raising a child. The love you feel for your child right away is absolutely indescribable and the work (albeit challenging and exhausting), is by far the most rewarding role you’ve ever played. Newborns require constant attention and without the ability to reach out to you or describe what they need you become a dolphin parent naturally; reading their every move and cry to learn hunger cues vs. sleep cues. At the same time, you are challenged not to be a tiger parent right away as well by allowing them to navigate the world around them by experiencing things they may not enjoy right away (baths, please let me know! tummy time etc.) Luckily, they say you can’t spoil a newborn so for now we will continue to enjoy snuggling and buy time until the tougher parenting decisions come our way. Thank you

for your continued support.

Christina Ullyot