CMYK
E R I
T A S
Sunday, 06 - 12 October, 2019 I Issue 139 I Pages 04 I Sections 05 I Rs 30
PM suspects he met with fake tycoons while actual tycoons met with other govt officials
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RIMe Minister Imran Khan on Friday discreetly voiced some suspicions that the delegation of business tycoons that he was meeting were, in fact, not actually business tycoons but decoys meant to throw him off while the actual tycoons met with other govt officials. “I might be overthinking this, but something’s not right with this lot,” said a suspicious Imran Khan, while speaking to his advisor Naeemul haque. “For one, they are really, really young.
Now I know one can achieve great things at a young age, but seriously, this young?” Advisor Naeemul haque suggested that maybe these captains of industry and commerce had inherited their empires at a very young age, which pacified the prime minister somewhat, but not too much. “This one says that he represents Dawood hercules. Now, I know hussain Dawood, but he says ‘umm…uh…haan woh taya hain merey,’ which would be the case, maybe, but something doesn’t ring right,” he said. “And
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why are they wearing charcoal shalwar-kameez, as if they were KP schoolchildren,” he asked. The PM’s military attaché then told him that the businessmen were actually doing this in solidarity with the students of KP. The PM’s suspicions were finally somewhat put to rest after a discussion with the delegation. “They seemed really knowledgeable. They thought that the trade deficit was because of the corruption of PML, PPP, as was the fiscal deficit and the inflation rate.” “In fact, their IQ and sheer understanding of the economy just might even rival mine.” g
‘Pistol Ya Burnol’ – After real estate and cereal, nation’s top business empire eyes burns cream industry
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RAWALPINDI
FTeR successfully running foundations, housing authorities, welfare trusts, stud farms, and producing products including gas, fertilisers, cement, meat and cereal, the nation’s largest business empire is eying the burns cream industry, The Dependent has reliably learnt. Prominent sources within the top business empire have revealed that owing to their latest offers, product placements and commercial policies, a demand will increase for burns cream in the country, which the business empire would fulfil itself. “You can’t lose with this strategy: use some of your brands to create the demand for a specific product and then introduce that product in the market,” revealed a marketing strategist affiliated with the empire. Top management sources reveal that the PR section has already been activated to begin aggressively marketing the product. “Our digital and social media
New Islamic TV channel will be like BBC if BBC were like ARY: PM
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marketing handlers are especially active, and we hope to break even almost immediately as we introduce the product,” a production unit official of the empire revealed. According to the official documents available exclusively with The Dependent, the burns cream set to be introduced in the market will be called ‘Pistol Ya Burnol’. “Please note that the pistol is pronounced as the Urdu word, which is how it will rhyme with burnol,” revealed the product’s brand manager. “Also, it’s the first patriotic burns cream in Pakistan,” the manager confirmed. g
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he proposed upcoming Islamic channel, which will be a joint venture of Pakistan, Turkey and Malaysia, is going to be just like the BBC, Prime Minister Imran Khan said on Monday. “Think of the upcoming channel as the BBC,” said the PM, while speaking to reporters at the PM Secretariat. “except if the BBC were like ARY Digital,” he clarified. “It would cover Kashmir, like BBC does, but it won’t cover, say the situation with the Uighurs, like ARY,” he said. “It will cover the ‘cow lynchings’ of Muslims in India, like the BBC does but will rather avoid Balochistan, the Pashtun belt and the situation of the religious minorities in Pakistan.” he also pointed out that the independence of the new channel will be key.
“Also, the point would be for the channel to be completely independent from the influence of journalists’ bodies and be run squarely by the decrees of the three governments,” he said. When asked what the name of the new channel will be, the PM replied, “Well, since the channel is going to
Responsible citizen Hafiz Saeed files tax returns on terror funds
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LAHORE
FTeR getting a Rs 150,000 monthly stipend approved from the sanctions committee of the UN Security Council Lashkar-e-Taiba (LeT) Chief hafiz Saeed fulfilled his duties as a responsible citizen of Pakistan by filing his tax returns for the fiscal year 2018-19. Saeed who got the notification of the stipend during the early hours of Friday, September 27, managed to file his taxes on terror funds before the September 30 deadline set by the Federal Board of Revenue (FBR). eyewitnesses reveal that despite the complications and challenges faced by Saeed he managed to file taxes on all funds received for the purpose of terrorism and jihad updated till June 30, 2019, before midnight on Monday.
“hafiz saab wasn’t pleased with the IRIS portal on the FBR website. Neither the classic nor the wizard display was user friendly – the latter was especially repulsive, given that wizardry is haraam in Islam,” a close aid of the LeT chief revealed. The aide further said that the tabs and subsections on the tax filing portal were pretty confusing for people who run
terrorist organisations. “especially when you have a charity cover as well – one doesn’t know where to show the income source. There is no terrorism tab on the portal, but hafiz saab figured out that particular income would come under the Agriculture section,” he added. The aide further maintained that running the household officially on the Rs150,000 stipend doesn’t mean that hafiz Saeed’s businesses would no longer function. “hafiz saab is steadfast and dedicated to the cause. he will save enough from the 150,000 to run separate charities and political parties,” he said. “The only thing that would change is that he’ll have to file his tax returns from 2019/20 onwards under 114(1) where salary is more than 50% of income filed.” g
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be a joint project by the governments of Pakistan, Turkey and Malaysia, I think an appropriate name will be PTM…..no, wait, that didn’t sound right…don’t run that statement in your reports.” The BBC report contained the statement above; the ARY report didn’t. g
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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
02 OPINION&EDITORIAL I M AG E S O F T H E W E E K
Sunday, 06 - 12 October, 2019
E D I TO R I A L
We met the PM a ...he wasn’t busy
FTEr a one hour waiting period, the editorial board of the fine publication that you are holding in your hands had a meeting with the premier this week. When we had sent word over to the PM Secretariat, expressing our desire to call on him, we had expected at least a waiting period of several months, but I guess we were lucky. As was the case with our previous meeting with him, we were requested to bring along a 15-piece bucket deal from AFC
which we knew from last time wasn’t meant to be shared. As he wolfed down piece after piece, we were informed that after getting up at 10:00, all he did was have a hearty breakfast and then worked out at the gym. And here we were at lunch. After speaking to him for about an hour, we begged leave, as we understood that he had to go be PM or something, but he said we mustn’t go and told an assistant put on the ‘92 World Cup highlights on the TV. Two minutes into the recording, we
found out it wasn’t a highlights reel or even the best-of from Pakistan. No, it was a highlight reel of only the then captain himself. We attempted further conversation with the man but desisted, seeing him transfixed on the screen, muttering, ‘what a guy, what a guy…’ Post-script: the nation’s leading captains of commerce and industry were meeting with other government officials in a neighbouring city. g
OPINION
N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T
after forcing ODi series rescheduling, i have now landed in Lahore
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By Rain
am writing this early on Thursday afternoon from Allama Iqbal International Airport Lahore, where I have just landed. The editors of the publication set Thursday noon deadline for me, but I couldn’t send the piece before flying from Jinnah International Airport Karachi. Although I wonder why they asked me to send the piece so early given that the publication doesn’t even go into print till Sunday. Anyway, I am telling you, dear reader, when exactly this was written so that when you read this on Sunday you are fully aware of the context. Of course, the first T20I between Pakistan and Sri Lanka would’ve been played on Saturday, a day before this edition is published – or so you, dear reader, would be thinking at the time I’m penning this down. I flew in a couple of days before the series officially begins to give the organisers a headache, just like the one I gave them in Karachi. In fact, in Karachi I gave them more than a headache – I washed out an entire ODI and forced the other two games to be rescheduled keeping me in mind. You do know that it was the first ever ODI to be rained off in Karachi, right? In a week where history was being made all over the place, no one really talked enough about the history that I singlehandedly made. Even so, an entire series was contested, which Pakistan won 2-0. I think everything about the matches in Karachi were expected and run of the mill, other than the fact that the National Stadium does not have a super sopper! Yes, that should be some sort of an achievement as well, but again one that isn’t quite as acknowledged as it should be. However, I was kind on the Pakistan Cricket Board on Friday, September 27, the day I washed off the first ODI. Because, I continued to come down till late in the evening, and made the super sopper – or lack thereof – largely redundant. Imagine if I had stopped, and the match had
been abandoned simply because the ground – an international stadium of the largest city of the country, a city which was hosting an ODI after a decade – not having the very basic facilities to get water off the ground. Of course, it will be a bigger challenge in Lahore. Because while the Gaddafi Stadium has a super sopper and other top facilities, it is also a ground where helicopters can be called to dry grounds if need be. I don’t want to be competing with helicopters, definitely not the green ones, most definitely not in Pakistan. But the game is absolutely on. If I’ve come from Karachi to Lahore, I’ll obviously be looking to make a mark. You Lahoris have caught a glimpse of me on Thursday, and I can assure you there is more where that came from. When I unleash it, is up to me. If nothing else, y’all might see your chief minister in sunglasses and upping the ante on swag pretty soon! g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK Sunday, 06 - 12 October, 2019
NEWS
03
Maleeha Lodhi sacked after UNGa speech like workers were amputated after taj Mahal’s completion: Qureshi
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ISLAMABAD
oreign Minister Shah Mehmood Qureshi has congratulated Maleeha Lodhi for being a part of the team that was behind Prime Minister imran Khan’s historic speech at the United nations general Assembly last week. Taking to The Dependent on Monday, Qureshi said, “i would like to extend my gratitude to Ambassador Maleeha Lodhi
and congratulate her on being a part of history. And just like all great moments in history that eventually become timeless her sacking is necessary to mark the height of achievement.” Further elaborating, the Foreign Minister said that there is little point in continuing on a particular assignment once you have peaked. “Just like Shah Jahan ordered the amputation of the 20,000
workers who built the Taj Mahal after its completion, Ambassador Maleeha Lodhi has been sacked after the completion of the Prime Minister’s UngA speech,” Qureshi said. “Prime Minister imran Khan’s UngA speech, of course, is a wonder of the world, and it will be remembered as a symbol of the premier’s love for himself, just like the Taj Mahal was the symbol of Shah Jahan’s love for Mumtaz Mahal,” he added. g
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PM’s UNGA speech lacked practical gesture for Kashmir, like tearing random pieces of paper: Bilawal
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MUZAFFARABAD
AKiSTAn Peoples Party (PPP) Chairman Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari on Wednesday criticised Prime Minister imran Khan’s speech at the United nations general Assembly saying that it lacked any practical support for the people of Kashmir. Urging the government of Pakistan to lay more emphasis on the right to selfdetermination of Kashmiri people to be exercised through a plebiscite, Bilawal said that more practical gestures could’ve been made by the premier instead of populist rhetoric. “The english was fine even if not with an accent that other bigger leaders have managed to showcase at the
UngA, but the speech clearly lacked practicalities,” Bilawal said speaking at a press conference at the residence of former Azad Jammu and Kashmir prime minister Chaudhry Abdul Majeed in the lakeside city of Mirpur. “Perhaps the best way to do it would have been to just walk out and tear random pieces of paper at the floor of the UngA,” the PPP chairman added. Bilawal maintained that while the premier takes pride in speaking extempore, carrying papers with him, even if they don’t have the speech written on it, could be beneficial. “it would give others the illusion that you’ve thought things through. Also, no one’s going to check the torn pieces of paper to check what actually was written on it,” Bilawal maintained. g
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‘Do you love her’, teary eyed ‘92 World Cup trophy asks imran as he hangs up picture of UNGa address at Bani Gala
“D
o you love her” asked a teary eyed 1992 Cricket World Cup Trophy, its voice quivering slightly as it stood in a doorway, watching Prime Minister imran Khan hang up a picture of himself speaking at the United nations general Assembly on a wall at his home office in Bani gala. The trophy chanced upon the Prime Minister in an unfortunate moment as he furiously hammered away a nail on his wall, clutching an image of himself during his 50-minute address to the UngA a few days ago. “There’s no need to lie to me, i know exactly what’s going on” the trophy said, trying to keep its voice strong but not quite able to completely get rid of the quiver, as the Prime Minister swerved around in
panic, dropping the nails and the hammer but unable to stop clutching at the picture. “B-, baby. What’re you doing here?” he asked nervously. “i live here, or don’t you remember,” the trophy retorted, eyes ablaze. “i swear i was just-” the Prime Minister stammered. “Save it” the trophy retorted. “i know exactly what was going on there’s no point in hiding it. i just … Do you even love me anymore?” the trophy asked, its crystal orb shining with rage and hurt. “How can you even ask that? of course i still love you, how could i not” he said, gently placing the picture down on a table and approaching the trophy, which promptly turned the other way. “You used to talk to me all the time. Take me everywhere
with you. You used to show me off to your friends, kept comparing everything to me. But now, you barely even mention me anymore” it said. “it isn’t like that. Things have just been different ever since i became PM. You know this, i’ve been so busy, and new York was just so lonely...” the PM tried to continue. “i don’t care. i just want to know if you love her, or if it was a one time thing” the trophy responded, trying its best to control its emotions. “i... i don’t know” the PM responded, his head falling down in dejection. “i think i need some space” the trophy barely said, running out of Bani gala leaving the Prime Minister confused, and in shambles. At press time, the trophy was staying at Wasim Akram’s house. g
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I am Malala, writes Mullah Fazlullah in NY Times op-ed
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am Malala, for it is she who has given me the courage to dream of a better world. These were the operative words of a new op-ed written in the New York Times by the emir of the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) Mullah Fazlullah. “Her courage, her resilience and her undeterred commitment to the cause of education, women’s education in particular, all of them colour the committed person that i am
today,” the emir wrote in his now viral column. “Who can forget that day when she was shot? i remember it like yesterday,” he wrote. “in fact, i still have the entry that i made to my diary that day.” “The entry for the day read, ‘We need more education – and training,’” he said, reading out loud from his dog-eared, leatherbound journal.
“i am inspired by her every single day, and i hope to be able to meet her someday. it is difficult for a simple fan like myself to be able to meet her because of the security detail that she had around herself all the time, but one can dream, right?” (The article appears next to indian PM Modi’s op-ed about how india and the world needs gandhi’s vision.) g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
04 ENTERTAINMENT
Sunday, 06 - 12 October, 2019
Star dog’s inclusion in hit drama serial rekindles nepotism debate
D Censor boards unban Durj after storyline altered to show cannibals as money launderers
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KARACHI
ctor-turnedproducer Shamoon Abbasi’s upcoming film Durj, which had been banned by censor boards across the country ahead of its release date october 18 has now been unbanned. the actor took to Instagram to share the good news confirming that that the film will hit cinemas worldwide on october 11 and will be released in the country on october 18.
“(Durj) based on true events about the heinous crime of cannibalism occurred in pakistan and various parts of the world in the past, is shaping up to be a big hit now that the storyline will showcase the cannibals as money launderers – possibly the darkest unravelling of corruption to hit any screen,” Abbasi wrote on Instagram. With the censor boards not issuing any statement on why the film had been originally
banned, Shamoon Abbasi told The Dependent that merely a minor tweak was needed to get the film the go-ahead. “of course, cannibalism is a unique subject for filmmaking, but I was told that so is corruption. therefore to merge the two, the cannibals are being showcased as money launderers belonging to major political parties of the country,” Abbasi said. However, Abbasi clarified the film isn’t aimed at any particular party. g
RAWALPINDI
prompted critics to argue that such blatant favouritism is the reason why the pakistani entertainment industry has been on a decline. “So just because he comes from a star family, we should be okay with him being hired without any competition and due procedure? this is nepotism at its worst!” maintains leading entertainment blogger Huma Aurangzeb. However, there are many in the industry who back Zoro’s inclusion in ehd-e-Wafa maintaining that the dog has proven his abilities through his performances. “Zoro does not need a star family to make a mark in the industry. He’s talented on his own, and will go far based on his own abilities,” reiterates co-star Ahad raza Mir. g
eSpIte being the main attraction of the new hit drama serial ehd-e-Wafa that the nation is hooked to, and stealing the limelight from osman Khalid Butt, Ahad raza Mir, Ahmed Ali Akbar and Wahaj Ali, superstar Zoro’s swift rise to fame has its detractors as well. Zoro, the thai Golden retriever, whose stardom is continuing to skyrocket with every passing day, has been accused of the latest star to reap the benefits of nepotism in the South Asian entertainment industry. According to sources within the ehd-e-Wafa production team, Zoro was cast in the drama serial without any auditions, which has
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SPORTS 05
Sunday, 06 - 12 October, 2019
Abid Ali destabilising team by scoring runs: Inzamam-ul-Haq
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Defiant Karachi rejects centre’s plans for the city
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KARACHI
eeKS after the federal government had hinted at a plan to assume administrative charge of the city under Article 149 (4) of the constitution, Karachi vociferously rejected what the centre had planned for it from September 27 to october 2. Article 149, which allows the federal government to give directions to provinces on matters of “national importance” and for “preventing any grave menace”, is believed to have been given a trial run during the abovementioned dates, to check how the provincial capital of Sindh reacts to plans made for it elsewhere.
As it turns out, Karachi has rejected any moves by reiterating that no one else can decide anything on the province and its capital’s behalf. “Just because they want us to assemble at a particular place on a particular day does not mean that we are just going to what they want. We won’t do what they tell us,” maintains Karachibased activist Jameela Ahmed. “they collaborated with rain to shuffle their planned schedule around for us as well. But we were having none of that. We’ll only do what we want to do and no amount of national interest or grave nonsense can change our minds,” said journalist Asif Mehmood. g
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LAHORE
x-cAptAIn and former chief selector of pakistan cricket team Inzamam-ul-Haq criticised the performance of opening batsman Abid Ali, saying that his displays aren’t helping the national team. talking to The Dependent, Inzamam said that Abid Ali should focus on what pakistan needs and keep that in mind the next time he comes out to bat. “Abid Ali is destabilising the team by scoring runs. First he scored that century on debut against Australia, in the first chance that he got, and now he scored a match winning 70odd against Sri Lanka, again on his first chance,” Inzamam said. “By scoring these runs he is affecting our
stable combination, because now the team management would seriously start thinking about picking him. picking him means someone else won’t be picked. And I know how tough these decisions can become when I was the chief selector at the time when he scored that century against Australia,” he added. Inzamam said that Abid Ali is a great player, and his
performances in the domestic game are a testament to that, but that doesn’t mean he should start scoring runs at the international level. “By doing that he will start playing all the international matches and will play less domestic matches. that would affect the number of runs he scores in domestic cricket,” he added. g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.