CMYK
E R I
T A S
Sunday, 24 - 30 November, 2019 I Issue 146 I Pages 04 I Sections 04 I Rs 30
Strongly suspect there is no such disease as “dengue fever”, says imran
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xPRESSiNG his suspicion that former prime minister Nawaz Sharif left the country under false pretences, premiere imran Khan said on Friday that he strongly suspected
there was no disease by the name of “dengue fever” in the first place. “to be honest, this is the first i’ve heard of it,” he said, speaking to reporters at a function in mianwali. “i mean, i’ve seen the world and know a
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thing or two about a thing or two. if it were such a big deal, i would have at least heard of it by now.” “Haha, what a funnysounding word, even,” he said with amusement. “You’ve got to hand it to these fellows, they can make anything up and this lifafa media will even lap it up.”
When reporters pointed out that the disease does, in fact, exist, the prime minister
said he was proud of the army chief and that the government and military were on the same page. g
One out of ten dentists support #BringPresidentialSystem: survey
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detailed survey by the Pakistan medical and Dental Council (PmDC) has revealed that as estimated one out of ten dentists in the country supports the pivoting of the constitution in the country to a presidential system. “When asked about the presidential versus parliamentary systems, nine of the ten dentists surveyed said that the presidential system isn’t particularly more attractive,” said Fayyaz Hassan, lead researcher of the study. “they said that a stronger chief executive would not necessarily be better for the system and even if it were, the presidential system would further weaken the office of the chief
‘Best London deal, guaranteed UK visa’ – Fazl set for post-dharna career as travel agent
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BANNU
amiat Ulema-e-islam-Fazl (JUi-F) chief Fazlur Rehman on tuesday declared that his days in politics are numbered and that the JUi-F’s drive had successfully mobilised him to complete a career switch. addressing the participants of a sit-in at Bannu, the JUi-F chief thanked the Pakistan tehreek-e-insaf (Pti) government and said that all his talk about the rulers being incapable reminded him how capable he himself was. “all this time that i was talking about imran Khan’s facilitators, eventually empowered me so much that i became a facilitator myself. therefore, i will, by the grace of almighty allah, now embrace
my new career as a travel facilitator – a travel agent,” Rehman said. talking about the party’s azadi march, which had culminated in islamabad, he said that the JUi-F went to the capital without any purpose, but it has returned purposefully. “i have realised that i was marching for my own azadi. and now i’m free from the shackles of a career that was thrust upon me just because it runs in the family. the events of the past week prove how successful i can be in this new career that i have chosen for myself,” he said. Following his speech, Fazlur Rehman unveiled the first billboard of ‘JUi-F travels’, with the advertisement proudly announcing, ‘Best London deal’, ‘Guaranteed UK visa’ and proclaiming itself as ‘specialists in ECL cases’. g
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executive because it would separate a control, or lack thereof, of the legislature.” “However, one dentist started blushing and beaming when we started discussing the presidential system and said he would support it if there seems to be a genuine desire to see a greater role for the president,” she said. “all 32 of his pearly white teeth were
Iran-Pakistan pipeline to transport tomato purée
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TEHRAN/ISLAMABAD
HE much-delayed iran-Pakistan (iP) gas pipeline project was given a new lease of life this week after the inter State Gas Systems (Private) Limited (iSGS) and the National iranian Gas Company (NiGC) agreed to convert the former gas pipeline into one transporting tomato purée. the revised agreement between iSGS and NiGC signed on tuesday confirmed that following the completion of Pakistan’s side of the pipeline islamabad would receive 750 million cubic feet of natural tomato purée from iran per day. the iran-Pakistan pipeline that will now see ripe tomatoes being converted into a purée at a large
refinery near South Pars will run 2,775 kilometres (1,724 miles), supplying the tomatoes in liquid form to the tomatostarved neighbouring country of Pakistan. “in effect this is the largest ketchup
bottle the world has ever seen,” the advisor to the Prime minister on Finance Hafeez Shaikh said while talking to The Dependent. “this unprecedented technology will address the nation’s energy needs, allowing them to consume sufficient calories without mortgaging their possessions for a kilogram of tomatoes,” Shaikh added. Shaikh, however, reminded the nation that this renovated supply of tomatoes was a favour to them and it is not the government’s responsibility to supply tomatoes to the people. “i would have said that those who can’t use tomatoes should use yoghurt. But then they would ask us to construct a separate yoghurt pipeline,” Shaikh regretted. g
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out as he looked wistfully into the distance, his reverie broken only when we asked him another question,” he added. “We had to leave the interview almost abruptly,” said Hassan. “Because this particular prospect seemed to have…..aroused him…and it was making all of us extremely uncomfortable.” g
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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
02 OPINION&EDITORIAL I M AG E O F T H E W E E K
Sunday, 24 - 30 November, 2019
E D I TO R I A L
Prodigal son returns
After some A-levels Economics tuition, hopefully
H
E has returned, finally. Our favourite former finance minister is back, this time to helm the Planning Commission. asad Umar’s last tenure in the cabinet wasn’t a trainwreck. that is a description we reserve for Sheikh Rasheed’s performance at his ministry. But let’s just say that it disappointed a lot of
people, including the prime minister, who let him go. the prime minister, in turn, has also been disappointing a lot of people and even be might leave, only to come back as the PCB chairman. Except, of course, he might not be entrusted with such a big responsibility. the sport has changed considerably and our man, well, he hasn’t. In this issue: the prime
minister hasn’t heard of “platelets” or “dengue fever” and would like us all to shut up about it. Dentists are surveyed on the presidential system and one rather likes the idea. IranPakistan to pipe tomato purée, not oil; this just might work. and, Maulana Fazl-ur-Rehman starts his travel agency to London visits. he’ll do everything for you; a proven track record. g
OPINION
N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T
Freethinking world will never forget Hamza ali abbasi’s towering contributions to atheism
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By Atheist DAwkins
hat was a humble tribute to arguably the greatest thinker of modern times, turned into an interview with unarguably the greatest newspaper of all times, The Dependent, which has now become an Op-Ed celebrating hamza ali abbasi’s achievements in the realm of rationalism and free thought. Despite having written several books and been a part of many documentaries, I have never felt as nervous as I do write now as I pen down a eulogy for someone I absolutely consider a hero of mine. Let’s not forget this is Pakistan’s only known, public, living, atheist, albeit former. and here I wish to echo the reality that his past contributions to reason and rationality will continue to live on. he may have bid us farewell, but the freethinking world will never forget hamza abbasi’s towering contributions to atheism. that he has managed to do so while living in Pakistan is a further testament to his bravery and integrity, given that he is challenging the status quo in an unsafe country, instead of just selling the popular religionist and nationalist narratives to enhance his own billing. abbasi’s career as a rationalist is a testament to the fact that pursuance of dogma and vociferously practicing it can sometimes open the pathway to reason for others. In that regard, hamza abbasi has been a champion of free thought, rationality, pluralism and open-mindedness. One cannot imagine how many people would have been encouraged by abbasi’s work – perhaps as a double agent – to pursue the light of reason themselves. I say double agent, because in his infinite wisdom only he would know what his actual strategy was. We mere mortals can only observe and pay homage to the great minds, without vying to dissect what might be brewing inside. also, given that abbasi hasn’t specified which period he spent as an atheist, it would be further fallacious, nay ignorant, of us to underline which abstract theory of his was written during which period. all we can do is absorb it all and enlighten ourselves. If you ask me personally, I am the greatest fan of abbasi’s allegorical and satirical takes on item numbers, homophobia and hafiz Saeed. Yes, I do genuinely believe that the Lashkar-e-taiba chief, in abbasi’s works – including the magnum opus of his, the interview with hafiz Saeed – isn’t supposed to be taken literally. It is not the chief of a terrorist organisation that hafiz Saeed represents in hamza ali abbasi’s works,
it is his metaphorical and figurative interpretation that sifts the moderates from the radicals. I would like to once again congratulate abbasi for coming out of a closet that few dare to, if only to go back in. as already announced in my interview, the Richard Dawkins Foundation has arranged a farewell party for abbasi following his departure from atheism. One knows that he wouldn’t have got one after his previous ideological farewell, so it would be great if he can make it to this one. although it would be completely understandable if he does not. g
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The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
ASAD UMAR MUSINGS 03
Sunday, 24 - 30 November, 2019 As Asad Umer returns to the cabinet, Pakistan's Paper of Record takes a look back at his last stint in the cabinet.
‘What if we printed more money,’ breathless asad Umar shouts, bursting into cabinet meeting ISLAMABAD
press of the SBP in karachi,” he continued excitedly. “Because countries need currency as legal tender and it is the job of the central bank to print that money.” “Okay, are you with me till here? Okay, now, hold on now, because this is going to get a little complex,” he said. “what if we ask the SBP to straight-up print a lot of that money?!” “we can pay back All of our foreign debt, splurge on health, education and, of course, defence! we won’t even have to go to the iMF!” The meeting came to an abrupt and sad end when the federal secretary for finance, after hearing the minister’s bold new plan,
“e
UrEkA!” shouted federal finance minister Asad Umar as he barged into a meeting of the Economic Coordination Committee (ECC) of the Federal Cabinet. “i’ve got it! By god, i’ve got it!” “we have gotten a central bank, right,” he asked the federal secretary of the revenue division. “And that regulates the banks, organises the annual SBP vs SECP cricket match and….ta da….has a printing press that prints money!” “in fact, all the money that we have right now in our wallets was printed at that very same printing
asad Umar on emergency visit to avail Nigerian prince’s offer of donation to dam fund ISLAMABAD AIRPORT
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inAnCE Minister Asad Umar, in a hurried conference, informed the press that he was going to nigeria on an emergency visit to meet an important nigerian prince. giving details, he said that
he had received a remarkable offer from a nigerian prince via e-mail of a donation of billions of dollars in cash and gold to the DamFund initiative. “The Accountant general has already transferred the $1000 requisite Expression of
interest that the prince had requested as per protocol in such cases,” said the finance minister. “it is not only the protocol, but it would also help the prince recover the deposits from a western bank that were left by his late illustrious father.” “we also offered to give honorary citizenship to the prince but he said he could not come over,” he said. “That is why i am heading out to Abuja, instead of his coming here.” “i don’t know why he has also asked if i have two healthy, fully-functioning kidneys, but i suppose that is a cultural saying that they ask whenever someone is making a journey,” he concluded. g
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opened the window of the fourthfloor ECC board room of the Q Block at the federal secretariat and jumped out in an apparent suicide. “it is really sad and inexplicable what Qayyum Saheb did, may he rest in peace,” said Asad Umar, speaking to reporters at the funeral at the H-8 graveyard in islamabad. “in any case, coming back to the plan, i have gotten a good feedback from all stakeholders, including our friends in rawalpindi, whose only objection was that all of the extra printed money should go to debt servicing and defence, not health or education.” g
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Asad Umar puts online ad for A-levels economics tutor ‘for son’
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HE Federal Minister for Finance, Economic Affairs, revenue and Statistics Asad Umar put up a Facebook ad on Tuesday for an economics tutor “for son.” The ad, put on the social media site Facebook, read, “wanted: an A-levels economics tutor required who will explain all economics concepts simply and clearly. For my son.” “The tutor should not expect the student to have any basic knowledge of economics at all,” it continued.
“And also should not get frustrated if the student, say, shows no sign of getting basic concepts. Should not get angry and flustered, like, say, the federal secretary of finance division; or start crying, like the federal secretary of economic affairs division. Or throw an ashtray at me in exasperation, like the federal secretary for revenue division.” This last line was edited and updated three hours later to: “i mean my son; should not throw things at my son, is what i’d meant.” g
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Money is mere illusion, says philosophical Asad Umar after failing to shore up reserves
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wirling a still unlit cigarette between his fingers, creased at the centre from the needless handling, Federal Finance Minister Asad Umar said that money is a mere illusion as he stared into the distance. “Existence is pain” said the man who holds one of the most important offices in the civilian government and was supposed to hold the answers for the crumbling economy. “Money? You’re worried about money? You think it matters how many dollars we
have in our reserves? You think it really matters? Huh. Of course you would think that” he said as he struck a match, the burning sulfur whirring before being blown out by a gust of cold win just as he was about to light his sagging cigarette. “Huh” he said, half scoffing, half laughing, the right corner of his mouth turning upwards in a wry smile. “All the money in the world – all the dollars, every single one of them, is not worth more than this match” he said as he carelessly flicked it over the edge of bridge he was standing on in the middle
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of the night into the dark depths of the icy river beneath. “look i know what money is about. i don’t know if you know this, i don’t really like saying it outloud, but i used to have a salary of rs 70 lac a month.” “All that money, it doesn’t fulfil you. Sure, a few billion dollars would really help the economy from collapsing and stop the process of basic necessities becoming harder and harder to acquire, but would it really make anyone happy??” he said before trailing off and staring at the full moon half concealed in a haze of fog. “Cui bono” he muttered under his breath, “cui bono” he said
again, shaking his head and breaking down into tears, unable
to give any further comment on account of his sobbing. g
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
04
Sunday, 24 - 30 November, 2019
NEWS
Smoking does look cool, ministry of health finally admits
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HILe maintaining strictly the veracity of its claims regarding the effects of tobacco on health, the federal ministry of health finally admitted on saturday that smoking does look cool. The development took place when the ministry officials were designing a new ad campaign against tobacco. “We thought that since even putting those pictures of cancer patients on cigarette packets weren’t helpful in deterring people from smoking, we would now design an ad campaign that tells people, especially young people, that smoking doesn’t look good,” said Dr sagheer Baloch, Federal secretary, Health
Division. “But all of us immediately realised what a full of bullsh*t ad that would be.” “so we immediately decided to change our path and be open, even if begrudgingly, about how awesomelooking smoking is,” he added. “Yes, there is no doubt about it,” said Dr saima sheikh, Research Director, national Institute of Health. “It may contain 43 of the known carcinogens, but it looks awesome.” “But only if done correctly,” she continued, “and by that I mean smoking by a male, while wearing a white T-shirt, jeans and a leather jacket, leaning against a wall, with a smouldering indifference on his face that says, ‘no, saima, I don’t care if
you’ve graduated from medical college, I’m still not the marrying sort,’, then yeah, that does look… I’m sorry, I need a moment.” Independent health researchers also verified that the coolnessquotient of smoking extends to women as well. “A thoughtful drag on a cigarette by, say an english teacher, let us call her Miss Ayesha, at a Beaconhouse twenty years ago, while one peered into the staff room, can still linger on in the mind of a medical researcher to his day,” said Dr sahir Khan, a medical researcher at HeartFile. “This was a hypothetical, madeup example, of course,” he added. g
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PM Khan’s Qatar airways plane was fancier, had more seats and was bigger: Firdous ashiq awan
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s former Prime Minister nawaz sharif finally made it onto the Qatar Airways air ambulance travelling to London for urgent and necessary medical treatment, sAPM on information Firdous Ashiq Awan was quick to point out that the plane Prime Minister Imran Khan travelled on to his maiden trip to the us earlier this year was fancier, had more seats and was definitely much bigger. speaking at the inauguration of PTV’s newly
renovated offices that had earlier been destroyed in an unfortunate mob attack in 2014, with shahzad Akbar sitting beside her, Awan added to her initial description of PM Khan’s Qatar Plane saying, “first if all, you see, it was a Business Class seat with all its appended amenities”. This was followed by a long awkward pause as she stared at the various reporters sitting in front who were confused about whether they should applaud, ask her
some questions, wondering, maybe that the presser was over. At one point, one of the more concerned reporters asked Awan if she was “ok”. “I saw Mian sb’s jet; it was a jet not a plane, with its 5 seats, and those two really uncomfortable looking seats that had already been made into flatbeds. I mean I doubt he was even given that lovely fresh warm towel they hand out as soon as you board”, shahzad Akbar commented while chuckling uncontrollably. To a question put forth by The Dependent’s correspondent, asking about the PTV attack case verdict to be announced next month, Awan did an impression of Imran Khan’s impression of Bilawal Bhutto from the other day as shahzad Akbar in a fit of laughter, almost fell off from his seat. g
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Nutritional fascist Imran targeting Sharif family with refined carbohydrates: Reham
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LONDON
OuRnALIsT, politician, dietician, and author of adult literature, the former wife of Prime Minister Imran Khan’s Reham Khan has unveiled how the premier is targeting the ailing sharif family through his ‘monstrous’, carb-laden tactics. After condemning the government’s restrictions on Diet Coke for the Pakistan Muslim Leaguenawaz (PML-n) Vice President Maryam nawaz, Reham Khan said that the Prime Minister and his Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) government are deliberately targeting the sharif family and the PML-n leadership through forced intake of refined carbohydrates. “The sharif family is a very resilient family, especially when it comes to breaking down carbs – complex, natural or even refined.
Your leader cannot even break down a single day carbohydrate molecule manually,” Reham said in an exclusive interview with The Dependent. “Today you have stopped Maryam nawaz from drinking Diet Coke. Tomorrow you’ll force the sharif family into consuming concentrated sugary drinks,” she added. Reflecting on the past, Reham maintained that what brought PML-n supreme Leader nawaz sharif to such a critical health condition was also the government’s nutritional fascism. “That nutritional fascist Imran Khan completely transformed the diet of nawaz sharif, who I know for a fact was on keto before going to Kot Lakhpat Jail,” Reham told The Dependent. “The poor man was being given refined carbohydrates to such an extent that he couldn’t help but order a large bowl of grapes, with their natural carbs, on his flight to London,” she added. g
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Newly-wed man leaves part-time gigs for stable, well-paying profession
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ISLAMABAD
ess than three months after getting married in a self-professed conservative setting, newly-wed man Hamza Abbasi has taken the decision to prioritise his family and opt for a settled profession. Abbasi, 35, told his closed ones that with middle age approaching and a family to
provide for, he’s bidding farewell to the part-time gigs that he has been doing up to now, and finally opting for the one career that can help him fulfil his duties. Typically sharing his personal decision in a private gathering of closely knit 6.4 million social media followers, Abbasi said that a stable income and wellpaying profession is now a question of sustenance for him and his family.
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“I will use the skills I have learnt in my previous gigs in this new profession, but thankfully the pay cheques would be more regular and much higher,” Abbasi told the family members. “Technically I will be doing exactly what I have been doing, but won’t need to do multiple jobs or shifts. Less work, more money, and so my family will be taken care of and I will have more time to spend with them as well,” he added. Responding to a question,
Abbasi categorically denied that his latest money move is owing to the fact that he splurged all his savings on the honeymoon in Barcelona and Paris.
“The honeymoon was as humble as I am and everything related to me is. Oppose my career moves or support them, but don’t question my intentions,” he said. g
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.