absynthe magazine
The best do’s and don’ts of the year
No this isn’t Brendan, it’s Gavin!
page 16
8 things you might laugh at!!
Brendan Canning
When Facebook turns bad.
We get the Broken Social Scene hunk to dish on Soccer Gardening!
One woman’s struggle to find her soulmate.
page 6
page 18
sex
Wild abilities that are already in your head!
Is your head too big? Take our slightly painful test!
page 30
pg 20
Words!
332
And sentences!
page 24
words to
empower you! page 19
Comic! A drawing! page 32
the bald guy magazine
BALD
AYD M OUEAR Y LDER B A NDS E BKILL A T B S A A WS E T N E TO OTHAV 0 1 G 0 U ELL ES ER 2 D T U O N I D W LD G A W IF Y N B I FOR COM AS E N I AZ AG M E TH
The mandate of Absynthe Magazine is to encourage constructive dialogue and critical thinking within the Trent community. As an on-campus publication, Absynthe shall strive to represent as many people of the community as possible by presenting varying views on all matters that are of importance to the community and especially the student body. In the spirit of free and independent press, Absynthe shall strive for the highest degree of journalistic integrity and excellence while providing a medium for creative and alternative expression. It will actively stimulate and encourage discussion through itself or any other means available to members of the Trent community.
Fancy talk for “we try hard to print a magazine that we think is good and relevant to someone like you and if you don’t like it then you can read something else because you live in a place where you can choose and being able to choose kicks ass. So stop whining and make up your mind.“
Fancy talk for “you think you can write or take photos or something?
Then go for it smart guy. submissions@absynthe.ca
Submission Guidelines: Absynthe is a submissions-based magazine. Any Trent student who wishes to be published can send in their work to us at submissions@absynthe.ca at any time. Submissions can be any length, and can be written in any style. Submissions will be subject to editing for spelling and grammar as well as verified for appropriate content. Please include your name for publication. Photos and images are encouraged, but are required to have a minimum resolution of 300dpi. Articles may be held for publication at a later date.
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BRaditorial
by Brad Harkness
“Hear your critics but stop listening to them.“ Before university, 2 high school principals, a guidance counsellor and too many teachers to remember had written me off. “You shouldn’t go to university because it’s just not the place for you” became the constant ringing in my ears. 13 years later I am glad I ignored their shortsightedness (so much so that I graduated from the same Alma Mater as one of those idiots). There will always be naysayers and PEZ* dispenser counsellors who’s job it is to keep you from evolving (see Dad, I used the word evolve, now stop asking me what I did for 4 years at Trent because the answer is obviously anthropology). There were sure as hell many when we started the publication that you hold in your dear hands. They were wrong and maybe a little right. - Did we need another university publication? Maybe not. - Did we know what were doing? Not really. - Could we have done a better job? Absolutely (see the do’s and don’ts, pg 16) All put together it would seem kind of idiotic to start absynthe, but ideas are ideas and a drunk is a drunk. We were bored with ourselves and with our university. We could certainly have continued the traditions of our fellow alumni and turned down the opportunity, but we could not resist. We could not resist poking fun at Marthur and I certainly could not resist the advice of Jon Cooley (editor of the Roundtable) that there should always be more than one voice. I have been blessed by being exposed to some of the most intelligent, creative and caring people in life. Without those relationships I would not be as confident as I am and have been with my decisions. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly re-evaluate my position in life every morning, but I would suggest you get a cast of characters to bounce ideas off of. If I could leave you with one thing it would be this: systems are meant to be challenged and sometimes broken (i.e. left, right and centre) and do not let anyone tell you that you cannot do something. Be like an architect. I took an architecture course after Trent and the professor (who interestingly enough is the only one I can remember teaching me something) burned two things into my brain: - Concrete can span only 20 to 30 feet without a support (I think); and - An engineer’s job is to tell you that you can’t do something while an architect’s job is to ask ‘why not?’ Be an architect. * PEZ is the brand name of an Austrian confectionery and the pocket mechanical dispensers it is sold in.
absynthe
Issue 1ish, vol 10 2009 Masthead
Editor-in-Chief: Sara Hart President: Caitlin Jones Secretary: Laura Sullivan Treasurer: Leo Kadzombe Production Manager: Kelsey Hough Production Assistant: Sheldon Goodridge Soliciting Editor: Anthony Lozano Member Representatives: Emily Edwards, Cayla Price, Sarah Stunden Contributors: Brad Harkness, Peter Read, Kenny Giffen, Peter Venetas, Kirk Lilwall, Christine Oastler, Kelly Elliott, Gavin Finders, Kevin Sorichetti, Matt Keyes, Philip Chee To contact our office email: submissions@absynthe.ca phone: 705-748-1011 ext 7316 office: CC202.7 internerd: www.absynthe.ca
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Where are they now? Like you care. But still, sometimes it helps to know that people who did something you are doing now, aren’t living in a van down by the river as a result of completing that thing that you are doing. In this case University. Meaning Trent. Where you are now. So, we’ve included this handy guide to show you that you probably aren’t going to end up being Indiana Jones if you take Anthropology, nor will you end up forever addicted to Walter Benjamin raging against the hegemony machine if you major in Cultural Studies.
Name: Brad Degree: Anthropology Post Grad: Masters Public Admin First Job: Office Clerk Current Job: Senior Govt Advisor Fave 90’s Icon: Shannon Hoon
Name: Christine Degree: Cultural Studies Post Grad: Education First Job: Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines Current Job: Art Teacher, Kuwait Fave 90’s Icon: Bon Jovi
Name: Peter Degree: Cultural Studies Post Grad: Masters Publishing First Job: Office Clerk Current Job: Photocase.com Fave 90’s Icon: Kurt Cobain
Name: Kirk Degree: History/Sociology Post Grad: Film Degree First Job: Retail at Chapters Current Job: Contract Editor, IMAX Fave 90’s Icon: Brad
Name: Ken Degree: Undisclosed Post Grad: Undisclosed First Job: Undisclosed Current Job: Undisclosed Fave 90’s Icon: Seinfeld
Name: Kevin Degree: Road Hockey (minor) Post Grad: Video & Film prod. First Job: Bartender (Muskoka) Current Job: Camera Operator Fave 90’s Icon: Jim Park
Name: Kelly Degree: BA Arts Post Grad: BSc Education First Job: Teacher/Mommy Current Job: Classified Fave 90’s Icon: Personal Massager Inventor
Name: Steve Degree: History Post Grad: Culinary Arts First Job: Line Cook, Park Hyatt Current Job: Sous Chef, l’Unita Fave 90’s Icon: Gavin Finders
Name: Peter V Degree: Geography Post Grad: BA Urban and Regional Planning First Job: Ice Cream Man Current Job: Urban Planner Fave 90’s Icon: Vanilla Ice
Name: Gavin Degree: History Post Grad: FUCK YOU BRAD First Job: Mail Room Current Job: Senior Manager, Accounting Firm Fave 90’s Icon: Stephen Gouzopoulos
Name: Keyes Degree: Geography Post Grad: same as Gavin, and Brad is lying First Job: Office Clerk Current Job: HR Officer Fave 90’s Icon: Catsuit absynthe magazine
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always special to play in front of your hometown crowd, do you ever find that there is additional pressure to perform at home? No, that was best show… we were basking in the glow of that show, on stage anyway, it felt like it was the best show we ever had since the Ted Wrecking Yard days, since we could still put on a show and not worry about it, no real flubs going on and the crowd was amazing. I think we the crowd knew that we were a part of something special, a real home coming and something more than just replacement of the canceled island show. It felt really intimate, although there were like 10,000 people in the audience.
Brendan Canning not waiting for the Trent Express I had a chance to sit down with my friend Brendan Canning this summer and catch-up on some happenings in and around Broken Social Scene. I found out a little about the new record and was surprised to learn that he almost ended up going to Trent. Brendan how goes your summer? What’s happening this summer… Music fests… Rothbury, Des Moines, Iowa, Rothbury was fun making our foray into the jam band scene I suppose that’s our first attempt at it. Last weekend Toronto, then Ottawa, next weekend V-Fest in Vancouver, then a yoga inspired festival in Lake Tahoe. Couple of weeks after that it’s off to Texas and try and make the record in between all of that. Your getting ready to DJ a party tonight, can you let me in on any of the hot jams you are going to spin? I bought M83 today, Grizzly Bear, Dirty Projectors and the Clash Sandinista. I’m glad to hear that you are DJing again… that is how we first met back in
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So you are recoding the first BSS in four years down in Chicago at Soma Studios with John McEntire of Tortoise and Sea and the Cake. How goes the process, is it any different from the recording of the last albums?
Yeah, being in Chicago is a little different… I think that it’s a little early to comment. We are sort of halfway there Interview by Peter Venetas maybe. We have a lot of bits and bobs 2004, when you Kevin (Drew) were djing and we have to see exactly what we at the Beaconsfield on Wednesday nights. have. I was just at the Beaconsfield this past Wednesday night. Did you have a good time? Yeah... I did have a good time, something about that bar I end up drinking a lot. They are good at making the drinks flow freely. So do you miss DJing regularly, or is it just something that you are doing once and a while, or just for kicks? If more people asked me to DJ I would DJ more, but you know as it stands right now I get about 4- 6 DJ gigs a year, which I’m fine with. BSS just played an amazing show at Harbourfront in Toronto, seems its
You have to catch a Cubs game at Wrigley Field before you are done recording the album? I’m more into catching a Chicago Fire game. Maybe vs. Toronto FC? Yeah I have been meaning to check the schedule. We did get to see a really nice out door concert when we were down there… the Dirty Projectors and the Sea and the Cake played at Frank’s Gehry’s New Pritzker bandshell in Millennium Park. When can we expect the record to be completed?
Before spring of 2010, I highly doubt it will come out later. You have played in many Canadian Bands over the years including By Divine Right and hHead. I know in the early days that BSS has made a conscious effort to tour outside of Canada to help establish a following. That being said have you ever played Peterborough? With By Divine Right, and with hHead lots of times Do you remember the venues? Played The Red Dog, the Gordon Best Theater I think, maybe not the Gordon Best, it had a had a second floor, It was some kind of art space, it held like 500 people, once with Sloan and then hHead and Furnaceface played one year. The Red Dog is legendary it has witnessed performance by Neil Young, Ronnie Hawkins and the train wreck that is Sebastian Bach. By Divine Right opened up for the Tragically Hip there, it was a secret show. Any other fond memories of Peterborough, Ontario? Yeah, my dad took me there in Grade 12 to see if I wanted to go to Trent, cause that is were he went, but I went on a tour, I wasn’t that interested. I only did a year in university anyways, but that was one of the school I was considering, and I have been up to visit friends over the years. If you weren’t a musician what would have been? Soccer Coach, Gardner… probably not a Gardner I don’t have the vision for that. I’d try my hand at being a Soccer Commentator, or writing, actually dedicating some actual time to writing as opposed to pretending to write.
KEYES’ CLASSIC KUTS
Matt Keyes
According to Keyes, the fuck you pass up is the fuck you don’t get. Although useful at 3am, this theory can be applied at anytime in most any situation. If I had to give myself some advice during Introweek™, I would suggest listening to a song called, “We’re here for a good time” by the Canadian rock band Trooper. Make sure to experience all that university has to offer, it will be one of the best experiences of your life. During this time it might feel that you have all the time in the world, but it will be over before you know it. The time you spend must not be wasted. Make sure to take every opportunity that is presented to you, never turn down an experience. An experience you turn down is one that you will never get again. The next song that I would suggest listening to is the song “No one to run with” by the Allman Brothers Band: “Nobody left to run with anymore, nobody left to do the crazy things we used to do before” - The Allman Brothers Band When University is over you will look back fondly and have memories that will last a lifetime. You will have met friends that you will have for the rest of your life. Many of the things you experienced with your friends
at the time will seem normal. You might not think that you will miss them, but you will. As I look back on my Trent experience I have nothing but fond memories. Even today when I am lying in my bed just before I fall asleep I think about some of the times I had at there. The other night I sat in my bedroom and hoped that a shopping cart loaded with a dead Christmas tree would come crashing through my bedroom door. All the while followed by maniacal laughter and someone wearing a deer head. What am I talking about? Don’t worry you are going to find out. Have a great time.
P.S. To my girlfriend at the time of the shopping cart incident, I know you were a little scared and upset....but honestly they really are nice guys.
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Going out during the week. (and the weekend). The Pig’s Ear Tavern Facts: 144 Brock St. The owner is John. He’s not from Australia. Open early to late. Get there early. Don’t be a douchebag.
Photo © Philip Chee
Peanut Races
A game no doubt invented by the Kings of Europe. The rules are simple. Get a few friends together, everyone gets a full (small) glass of beer, you all drop a whole peanut into your beer and whoever has theirs return to the top last has to chug their beer. Repeat.
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Trivia Night
A game likely invented by the Queens of Europe as counterpoint. The rules are simple. Get a few friends together, everyone gets a full glass of beer, and you answer trivia questions read to you by the inimitable John Punter. Winners win cash. Losers lose.
The first time you set foot in this place you’re going to wonder if someone was playing a weird joke on you when they gushed about the sheer awesomeness of “The Piggy.” But by the end of the night, if you aren’t itching to come back in two days time, you either had too much fun (and you’re planning to be back in three) or you’re just not a Natural Piggy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Peanut Races (see left), trays of beer and a strict no dancing policy make it a special place. We’re not joking, don’t even wiggle your butt a little on the way to the bathroom lest you have a run-in with the pleasant but cement-fisted doorstaff. And if a charming rogue named Robb Ball still works there, keep him away from your girlfriend because he’s much more charming than you.
Other watering holes to hit during the week The Montreal House 282 Aylmer Street North
AKA the MoHo, this is the poor man’s Piggy, well, maybe the late man’s Piggy. Would be popular with bike messengers if there were any in Peterborough. If you do go here, don’t wash your hands, just don’t.. The done thing here back in the day was to salt one’s beer. We tried it a few times but didn’t see the appeal.
Photo © Philip Chee a
Honourable mentions: St Veronus (Belgian Beer), Sapphire Room (Cocktails and Martinis) The Olde Stone
380 George Street North Looks classy. Is classy. But they don’t mind if you get a little bitched in there. Just don’t barf. They used to make an inspired bruschetta there called Elvis Toast, but based on our last vis− it you’re better off skipping the bruschetta and sticking to din− ing hall food and spending your dough on their delicious beer.
The Trasheteria 123 Simcoe Street
You will wait in line. You will sweat. You will dance. You will get into trouble of varying de− grees of awfulness. Eventually you will befriend someone who works there. Then you won’t have to wait in line anymore. But you will still sweat, dance and cause trouble for yourself. And you will love it.
College Pubs
If you can’t find it, go to bed. You could do much worse than hitting your local college pub. They’re close, staffed by your friends (learn the word “spill− age”) and they’re awesome. Don’t be put off by the first im− pression, with your fresh livers and OSAP fuelled wallets, you’ll quickly clear out the barflies and make the place your own.
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advice
Advice. Everyone offers it, sometimes good, sometimes bad. We’re smart so we’ve got some for you here. Don’t skip class unless you have a good excuse. Being hungover is not an excuse. Don’t buy all your books. Google Books has most of your first year English material online for free, and you’re going to read less than half of it anyway. Don’t be in a hurry to get in a relationship and fall in love and stay together forever. There’ll be plenty of time for monogamy when you’re overweight and driving a Honda. Anyone who says “Nothing good ever happens after 3am” clearly never skinnydipped in the Otonabee at 4am with the entire (male and female) rowing team. Don’t get a credit card unless you have a job. We can’t stress this enough. If you’re gonna hump around, “up the bum no babies” is not nearly as effective as everyone makes it sound. Get free condoms at Health Services!
las a piece of gum to chew on. Don’t go to Blackburn College (do these people still exist?)…you might as well go to another university already. Listen to as much music as you can. Except reggae… If we’ve learned anything from Keyes’ Classic Kuts it’s this: never pass up an opportunity AND never try to get a girl’s number in his presence. Mowing lawns comes to mind. Like Christine says: travel. We can’t recommend this enough. Shopping carts have many uses…including: go-karting, curb jumping, ball crushing and prototype battering ram testing.
Remember…your career after university may be for 20 – 30 years (40 if you’re unlucky)…think about it, but don’t worry about the degree. Besides, you’ll do better at stuff you like. If you have a breakfast keg party at your house, make sure you serve pancakes (eggos will work) and bacon because bacon solves all of life’s little problems and some of the big ones. Order the chicken burger with half Caesar salad and fries at Charlotte Anne’s when hungover and then stop at McDonald’s on the way home for a medium coke. All will be well after that. If all else fails, go to galaxy cinemas, order poutine and watch a sci-fi movie alone.
Never say you have to take the garbage out around your Greek friend…for some reason they misunderstand and think you Neil Young is amazing as everyone says are calling them a garbage-eater. he is…plus he grew up in Omemee. Live with someone really intelligent for at least one year. Not because you can copy his/her homework, but just so you know that university means something to someone besides your parents. No fucking credit cards! Seriously! Don’t ever think that you are smart…you are not…Gyles Iannone taught me that.
50 is a beer that you will drink because at first you will be pressured to. Then later you will drink it because you like it. Then you will go to Europe and upon your return you will never drink 50 again.
Don’t even pretend to believe that the douchebags will get all the good jobs after university because they ‘networked.’ Gavin Finders taught me that (In your motherfuckin’ face!).
Find yourself a friend you can do sock puppet shows with at the drop of a dime…and if he uses the socks he’s wearing he can always give the little fel-
You need a Peter Read in your life. I’m nowhere near where I should be when thinking through things especially after talking to him. Don’t spit on the Molson van unless you
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are prepared to order 6 bottles of Labatt’s 50 once you get inside the Molson sponsored event.
Don’t lose 3 peanut races in a row at the pig, or you will darf…I mean barf. Marry a girl from Bobcaygeon so you can say “yeah, like the Tragically Hip song.” Plus she’s pretty awesome and makes cool babies.
50 How to order 5O at the Piggy (without having to leave your seat.)
Don’t drink too much.
Internet and phone centers used to exist in every port. However as cell phone technology changed it quickly Christine Oastler became easier to unlock a cell phone and slide in a new SIM card. Phone cards were sold everywhere. Keeping in contact soon became as easy as In the decade since I left Trent Uni- pulling out a phone from your pocket versity, my world got bigger and smaller all at the same time. Over the last ten years, I have literally traveled around the globe, even occasionally visiting some countries that I didn’t even know existed. Due to the huge advancement in technology this decade, there were days where I felt like I never left my house on George Street. Within days of crossing the steps of Bata Library to collect my degree, I soon found myself walking up the gangway to my first post-university job. Traveling the high seas as a cruise ship employee ensured that I spent hours driving jeeps around Mexico, in search of the perfect private beach. I discovered that watching pieces of ice calve off of the Hubbard Glacier is mesmerizing and that sailing under the Brooklyn Bridge or through the Venice Canal system is and dialing the right country code. Within the last two years, the digitruly breathtaking. Seeing all these natural and modern wonders was tal decade has grown to include Facemade more memorable, when I book and Twitter. World travelers could share it with the people I love. can now see ultrasound photos on
Decades
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Facebook and learn of the arrival of their friend’s new bundle of joy in only 140 well typed characters on Twitter. With the invention of user friendly lap tops and Wi-Fi, deciding where I would have coffee stopped being about whose coffee tasted most like the Tim Horton’s coffee
and became about who had free WiFi. Airports went from being a great place to read a book to a chance to catch up over Skype. Soon even thinking about free Wi-
Fi quickly became an outdated concept as thanks to Facebook and the unlocked iPhone, I may be half way around the globe, riding a camel over the hills outside Dahab, Egypt but I still know that my mom is baking cookies, my brother is stuck in traffic on the 401 and one of my friends just found the house of her dreams. The wonders of mobile Facebook statuses may not tell the whole story but at least they bring you closer together if only for a moment. Thanks to the advancement of the internet, I can know easily live abroad and still control my money, using online banking through my Canadian bank. Missing Tim Horton’s coffee has become a challenge that technology has solved as well. As a Canadian citizen, and coffee addict, I can now have coffee shipped to my Christine Oastler, with her Trent Cultural Studies Degree and Queen’s Bachelor international door step with just the of Education degree, currently teachers Middle School Art at a private Americlick of a mouse. That made me feel can School in Kuwait. You can keep up with her travel adventures at www. as just as though my local Tim Hortravelwithoastler.com ton’s was just around the corner, and that I wouldn’t have to give up shopping at Roots or The Bay in favour of the local Bakala or Sultan Center. I have listened to podcasts from my local church as I walked through communist Russia, and I have used my GPS to make me feel like a local on the streets of Italy. Today’s technology helps one to feel at home no matter where you find yourself. For many of you reading this I am sure it is hard to imagine a time without state of the art cell phones, laptops, Wi-Fi and iPods. For me, as a world traveler, I don’t ever—ever— want to remember that time either. Over the last ten years technology has changed so much, and these changes have allowed me travel with all the comforts of home. Perhaps that is why I am still traveling. Now if only technology could do something photos (clockwise from left) by hui-buh, lama-photography, chris-up from photocase.com about jetlag!
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Blues:
In 1999, email was still new, Windows 95 was high-tech, the best video game was called Starcraft and it required a 90MHz processor, and 16MB of RAM to play. Everyone had heard of digital cameras but nobody had ever actually seen one. In our first year doing Absynthe we shot every image on
Our first issue. It’s a beauty cover for many reasons, but mostly for it’s stylish simplicity and jaggy-ass lo-res cover-image of a bunch of rowers we didn’t know.
The second issue. Way better, but kinda departed from the brand a little. Brad gave me too much freedom on this one. Way to go Brad.
Tried to go pro here by adding teasers to the cover, but using Times New Roman was a rookie mistake. Kinda like leaving your retainer in while giving oral sex.
If you were god, you’d be me? The artwork is pretty cool though, and the orange looks great. Too bad Brad let us get carried away with the subline. Way to go Brad.
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film and we had to typeset on a computer but then physically lay the issue out on special blue paper. Then we’d bring the glue-soaked mess to the printer so they could produce our glorious magazine. Later we bought brandname gluesticks and Brad bought an exacto-knife but nothing really improved.
Talk of Alpine University and Joey Lawrence dominated, so why not on the cover? There probably was some other crap going on too because Bonnie’s on the cover.
Without question the best cover we did. Brad was the art director for this one. It kinda makes me wish we hadn’t ignored him the other 7 times. Way to go Brad.
Wideopen Booze. This girl could actually do this with her eye, this is no Photoshop bullshit. I guess it’s probably because her parents didn’t love her or something.
This is our “gimme levy money” cover. So, in April when you’re 4 bucks short of a beer just think of us and how we basically stole the fun right outta your mouth.
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Mimi & Lala Sex advice from the sexy.
W*
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ Dear Mimi and Lala, My boyfriend has a close “girl friend.” He insists that they’re just good friends. I’m not so sure. My instincts tell me that she has feelings for him. Should I address it with him?
Dear Mimi and Lala, I was on a date last night and the end the guy told me he would ‘Facebook’ me, but that was nine days ago and I haven’t heard anything, not even a poke, and I have even have the superpoke app installed! Should I call?
Ellie
Meg
Dear Ellie,
Dear Meg,
If I have learned anything in life, it has been to trust your instincts. And Biz Markie. This girl you speak of must have feelings for him. If she doesn’t now, she will soon. Girl/boy relationships are fun in grade two, but at our age they inevitably end up sweaty in the bedroom, covered in twigs in a park, moist in Little Lake or filthy in the Pig’s Ear bathroom. In order to avoid an after-bar “discussion,” just walk away. Now. Perhaps you should consider looking at your own guy friends. One of them just might be the one for you. Happy hunting!
M+L*
You could call. But he most likely won’t answer. The “I’ll Facebook” you conclusion is the equivalent of “See ya! Thank goodness that’s over...” Boys are tricky and incredibly afraid of seeing us girls show even the tiniest hint of sadness. It sounds to our experiences and cute ears like he was trying to let you down easy. Hmm, speaking of easy, maybe you should consider going a little further with your next date, as that almost always ensures another call, that is, if all you’re in the mood for is some relief from the screaming thigh sweats. At the very least you’ll guarantee a few more drunken, middle-of-the-night pop-bys. Good luck!
M+L*
Next time on the Mimi & Lala page: “What does a vagina look like after a baby comes out of it? I don’t mean like, right after, but later.” - Steve “My boyfriend says he doesn’t like blowjobs. Is he full of shit or do I suck at sucking?” - Bonnie-Jo Ask Mimi & Lala what you’re afraid to ask anyone else! Write their sexy highnesses at: submissions@absynthe.ca Add “Mimi & Lala” to the subject line so nobody else will read your dirty little secrets.
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“Untitled” by Christine Oastler
My years at Trent were filled with student government activities, organizing TCSA parties and then convincing people to come dance at the Rooster. I always had a smile and something to sell you. While at Trent I was not oblivious to the other side. The bus strikes, the student sit-ins and faculty walk-outs and then the ugliest fight of all, the battle over the college system, where students fought unsuccessfully to save Peter Robinson and Traill as we knew them. For a while when people asked me about my Trent degree I would tell them I got a degree in dealing with
red tape. As students, we were on the front lines, and we took life lessons from those battles. Many of us went on to be government employees, lawyers and litigators. We learned a love for bureaucracy as we pushed sometimes for and sometimes against the Trent system. In the 90’s, when I first wrote for Absynthe, I didn’t write under my own name. I had a pen name, an alias if you will. I was Linda Watson. I wrote whatever I wanted and didn’t care if you liked it or hated it. The freedom of that pen name let me speak without being judged by who I was or what I was selling. It is a little
ironic that ten years later my life advice to today’s Trent students is follow your passion, do what you want and don’t listen when they say no. However as well traveled adult I have come to realize that like Malcolm X said, “ If you have no critics, you’ll likely have no success.” So whether your trying to convince your parents that taking a year off after school to travel Jamaica is a good idea or you want to switch majors, I encourage you to believe in your dreams. They are your dreams and at the end of the day reaching them is really what matters, no matter what anyone else thinks.
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The Skinny on Getting Laid In university I weighed about 140 pounds soaking wet. For a six-foot guy I was skinny. I wasn’t all that athletic so I had to work harder to get laid, but I did, and I will share the secrets. You attend a university where there is a lot of very cool, fun and down to earth ladies and the odds are in your favour. The secret is so simple it hurts; girls like guys that are confident. I’ve always been confident except when it came to the really beautiful girls. I knew if I shied away I would lose out to a guy who is more physically attractive than me. This would definitely bother me and I needed to step up to the challenge. I knew I needed something to motivate me to make the first move. This is a saying I came up with and are the words I still live by today: “He Who Hesitates, Masturbates.” Say it to yourself the next time you want to meet that beautiful girl. If you don’t make the first move, you will end up at home, alone, masturbating.
by The Rear Admiral of Love While most famous for his love advice, he is also well known for his disregard for local custom and inability to pronounce “bread” in Thai, an issue which landed him in a Thai prison. Not one to give up, he escaped overland to Sweden where he met some blonde policeladies who were happy to nurse him and his sex abilities back to a level of normalcy. This means they did it. The Rear Admiral totally threesomed it up with blonde Swedish police ladies. Can you dig it?
The Pick Up
Seal the Deal
Pleasure Power
Need a good opening line? Notice something about her or the situation/surroundings you are in and start chatting about it. Another great opener: “Hi my name is (your name), and your name is?” Now, the next crucial part… be yourself! Just talk. Find out more about this girl. Time is half the battle. Make sure to look her in the eyes when you are talking, make her laugh and smile, and pay her compliments, real compliments – “you’re beautiful” is boring. Be more creative. Making compliments should give her the idea that you’re looking for more than just friendship. Without compliments you risk becoming “the friend” and gain that “nice guy” label. You will quickly become a great friend while another guy gets laid.
Once you have spent enough time, and you have the gut feeling that the time is right to seal the deal, remind yourself again “He Who Hesitates Masturbates.” If she turns you down, have no worries, ask for a referral, perhaps she has some single friends who are looking for a confident guy like you. Also, if it takes you 10 ladies to find success with your approach, your odds are much better than a guy who approaches none (AKA The Masturbator).
Now, it is time to make the females talk about you to their friends. Communicate with your partner and find out what makes her achieve mind blowing orgasms and try new things and positions in which both of you are into. Talking during sex makes the sex safer, more comfortable and better. Work hard at pleasuring her. Be a star in the sack and she will be coming back for more. Sorry about the pun.
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A Notice to Trent Girls
Please do us a favour – If you like a guy, please make sure we can read your signals. I can’t stand when a girl is attracted to a guy and says “oh my God, I can’t look at him.” To us, that means you are not into him! It’s as simple as a pure smile in our direction…
Use this page to write down interesting stuff to talk about with babes. Hint: Dany Heatley is not interesting.
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re: An Open Letter to myself, circa 1997. Hello Absynthe folks. I wanted to thank you for doing this; it makes me miss the old days and wonder how the hell I managed to be one of the privileged few to write in that first year of publication. As far as I could remember, most of my ‘articles’ had a rant-y quality to them so, it seems fitting, that there is some of that here. (I was also published in the letters section a few times, hence the format of this, um, letter.) My submission is below; feel free to edit it in any way necessary (including cutting it entirely if you deem that best for the issue.) Thanks again, Kirk Lilwall
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Dear Kirk,
An Open Letter to myself, circa 1997.
Champlain College. The heart of Tre nt University. You’ve met some new people, had way too many drinks, and even manage d to stay awake through a few ‘sem inar s’. You’ve been told you now know all that you need to start your Trent University career. Horseshit. Here are some things you may want to keep in min d over the next 4 years: School: Why not take the courses you want instead of the ones you think you’re supposed to? Another Canadian History course? Really? Social Life: Explore outside Champ lain, especially the downtown coll eges; they’re fantastic and, sadly, not long for this world. While we’re on the subject, get your ass to the Commoner as often as possible; it will be condemned in less than a year. Politics: When you write for Marthu r, (you will because you will be elec ted as Champlain’s communications rep.), they will edit you r articles without consulting you, ther eby changing the intent of the statement; thankfully the Absynth e is around to let you rant without editing content (insert edit/ editor’s note here.) Also, you officially have NO IDEA who was involved with the stealing of LEC’s giant iron chickenthing (the road still shows signs from dragging the damned thing; er, from the alleged dragging.) Arts and Culture: You’re going to be a film editor one day, (you’ve som ehow managed to follow in daddy’s footsteps,) so why not take over the Absynthe when the other folks retire/graduate? (Dropped the ball there.) Embrace the semi-colon; it’s quite useful. You’re going to learn a musical inst rument someday (you’ll never gue ss which one,); why not start now? Bad news: some of your favourite ban ds will suck in the future. Some exam ples: The Tragically Hip, Our Lady Peace, Green Day , etc. (The Dave Matthews Band are still around and, yes, they still suck.) Mostly, you really just need to enjo y the moment. The four years you ’re going to spend at Trent University seem like another life now. You’re going to miss it; just try not to miss it while you’re still ther e. Sincerely, Kirk Lilwall circa 2009 P.S. Why the fuck aren’t you at the Pig’s Ear right now? You can read the paper there, dumbass!
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Ghosts They’re real man.
collection of ghost stories, but you’d be wrong. There are so many ghost stories about Trent that at one point I even thought about creating a collection with a former Trent student Jon Lavery, also an avid ghost story collector. Telling ghost stories at Trent has become so popular that
By Peter Read
Photos by Rabea84, and Arnsn, from photocase.com
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Trent, established in 1964 is a relatively young school by any standard. U of T for example was founded in 1827, Dalhousie in 1818, the University of Leipzig in 1409, and classes have been offered at Oxford University (from which Trent takes it’s college system) since 1096. You would think that such a young school would have little history of horror and the supernatural upon which to build a
one rumour even exists solely to support the factuality of the stories. The rumour is that a Trivial Pursuit question exists which asks the following: “What is the most haunted place (or University) in Ontario (or Canada)” the bracketed items changing depending on who is telling it. As every Canadian knows, if it’s in Trivial Pursuit it’s gotta be true, so this rumour tends to be trotted out only around
the skeptics. The only constants about the Trivial Pursuit story are that Trent University is always the answer, and no one has ever seen the card firsthand, but they know someone who has. When I was 6, I watched Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” with my parents. The image of Jackson’s yellow eyes as he transforms into a werewolf terrified me and kept me up at night for weeks. Suffice it to say, I didn’t need to hear any ghost stories about Trent, and certainly not about Traill, where I moved into Langton house in 1997. Although I tried to ignore them, even going so far as to casually leave the room when people started telling them, it didn’t take long for strange things to start happening to me directly, and my need to find out more about the Trent ghosts grew.
all speaking at once, like the background noise at a party, or the chatter in a theatre before the lights are dimmed. My radio was picking up dozens of different channels of CB radio chatter and playing them all at the same time. Hearing many voices whispering in your room at the same time when you’re trying to fall asleep is creepy. Even more creepy was that the radio was off, and the only way to stop the sound was to actually unplug the radio altogether at which point it didn’t immediately stop but
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Langton is a huge old Gothic house, built around 1870 on a hill at the edge of the Traill campus. It looks quite fancy from a distance although in 1997 was a little ragged once you got up close. Inside any grandeur it once had been hacked away and what was left were many small rooms for 1st year Trent students. One night in early fall as I was falling asleep a sound starting coming out of my stereo, quiet at first but slowly increasing in volume until in my semistupor I realized that it was voices, what sounded like dozens of voices
rather faded out. I told one of the 3rd year students who still lived in Langton about my experience and he assured me that this was all very normal for Langton and in fact quite tame compared some other stories he’d heard and experienced. Some of these included a cowbell hung on a door on the third floor that rang itself when no one was around, a playful spirit that would close your door, thus locking you out of your room if you ever left without your key, and a protective spirit that appeared only when
women were in some kind of danger (a story which inevitably comes with another about the girl who lived in my room the year before who was being assaulted by her male companion when the spirit appeared in the room and scared his pants back on). In late October a group of us were hanging out in the big dorm room on the main floor of Langton when the doorbell rang. I went to answer it and a totally normal looking woman of about 40 years old stood at the door and asked if she could come in to see her friends. Being fresh from our orientation lecture about “safety on campus,” I was careful and asked who her friends were. “Well they should be in the basement,” she replied, “because they’re tunneling up from the bottom of the hill.” At first I was confused, and then a little weirded out at the possibility (even though entirely unlikely) that someone was tunneling into my house from down the street. I asked the visitor to wait on the porch while I went to get our House Don. When she told him what she’d told me, he stood there a little stunned for a moment before trying to dissuade her. This turned out to be pretty difficult as she was convinced that her friends really were tunneling up from the bottom of the hill and that they were likely already breaking through the wall as we were talking. She became agitated, and finally, our slightly bemused Don said “fine, let’s go take a look at
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the basement so we can all be sure your friends aren’t here.” She thanked us and walked in and went directly for the basement door and walked downstairs. We watched her check the laundry, music and TV room and then she asked for our Don for his key to the storage room. He protested slightly but she was insistent. Once he’d let her in she walked immediately started moving stuff away from the walls, old furniture, our hockey nets, until she finally slid a sheet of plywood aside to reveal a small hole in the wall. It didn’t go very deep, a foot at most but we were fully creeped out. Our visitor though was suddenly disappointed. “Oh, I guess they aren’t here. Well, thanks anyway.” She trotted out of the room while the Don and I stood there unable to speak, just staring at the hole in the wall. After that there I never went to the basement again unless I had to. I noticed on the third floor that there were strange breezes when no doors or windows were open, I would see things out of the corner of my eye, footsteps in the room above mine although it was unoccupied (and carpeted), unexplained uneasiness and so on... the usual stuff. The rest of the Traill stories I heard were all second hand from students, Dons and College Heads both past and present. We were told during Introweek that most of the houses at Traill that are on the North side of the street were owned, occupied or operated by a gentleman with the last name Scott (hence Scott House). Mr Scott, so the story goes, was a judge, a judge with a rather terrible nickname: “Hanging Judge Scott.” The “history lesson” we received continued thusly: Scott house was where trials would take place and the hangings shortly therafter on the front porch of Kerr House. Reportedly, and I’ve tried to
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find them but the skeleton key you get as Introweek Chair doesn’t open everything, there are a system of tunnels that connect Stewart, Scott and Kerr to one another, some existing for the purpose of transporting the soon to be executed. The tunnels are now used as storage, and since no one wants moldy old chairs and furniture, the contents are largely ignored. A former College Head told me a story about a porter who had gone into the tunnel under Stewart House to try to find some chairs for an event in Scott House. At that time, the TV room in Stewart was next to the entrance to the storage space and a few girls were in thre watching afternoon TV. Suddenly they heard the porter
What if they’d had a son who’d died and his spirit was now haunting A house? yell “Well that’s enough of that!” He rushed out of the room ran out of the tunnel, slammed the door and ran up the stairs. Twenty minutes later he returned with a huge padlock which he attached to the door. The key is rumoured to be at the bottom of the river, and the porter has never spoken about what he saw. This college head was no different than anyone else, and once she had a rapt audience, the rest of her ghost stories came out. Scott House, being the home of the College Office, has to be checked every night by Trent Security. Many security guards have reported seeing a woman in a blue Victorian-style dress who glides around the second floor, or occasionally will stand at the top of the stairs looking down at whoever is unlucky enough to be at the bottom. She is occasionally described as having a child
with her, but she never seems to perceive anyone, as if she is unaware of anyone’s presence but her own. None of the security guards had ever heard her say anything until once on a routine late-night check, the security guard heard a woman’s voice clearly say “I’m in here!” The guard followed the voice but when she entered the room through the only door there was no one there.
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There are a lot of stories about Bradburn House as well, the other old converted mansion that sits on the south side of the street, the same as Langton. As the story goes, it started out as the home of the a wealthy merchant Thomas Bradburn until the family all died off leaving only the wicked Lady Bradburn to rule over the house. She is reported to have beaten her servants and become increasingly insane in her later years, although this is all likely just to make the Hallowe’en parties at Bradbun better. In any event, once she finally died, Bradburn became an orphanage until the 1950’s, and then a nursing home before it finally became a Trent residence in the late 60’s. If it’s all true, it’s probably impossible to find a better recipe for a haunted house than an evil house mistress+ an orphanage+ a nursing home. For ghost hunters it’s too good to be true. Although some of it must be. Even in my third year there were still a few rooms that still had old wheeled hospital beds that you could crank up or down at the head or the foot. In 1997 the upper floors at Bradburn were being renovated and thus were empty and locked when renovators weren’t there. One weekend evening, there were a few people sitting in the common room watching TV when they heard strange dragging
sounds from the deserted floor above them, followed by heavy footsteps that went towards the back of the house. The next morning they snuck upstairs and in peering through the windows found the large room above the common room covered in dust, but there were no marks in the dust. Other stories included a servant who killed herself in the house, countless patients who died, and an old soldier who had lost his mind late in life and, while strapped to a bed, chewed his own tongue off and drowned in his own blood (although that one might have been made up especially for Hallowe’en). Perhaps the most widely circulated story is one of an orphan who was playing around in the dumbwaiter in the attic when the latch let go and the dumbwaiter (with the child inside) plunged 4 stories into the basement, instantly killing him. He’s said to haunt the basement, and some even claimed to hear the sounds of the dumbwaiter moving through the walls at night. The dumbwaiter is still visible in basement if you’re brave enough to go down there to look for it. Needless to say there were enough stories to explain any strangeness that occurred in Bradburn.
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“We had just pranked a friend by turning her entire room upside down. Once she arrived and we’d all taken photos and laughed ourselves sick, we cleaned it all up and then sat on her bed chatting. A lit candle that was on a shelf above the desk went suddenly spastic, like a wick that’s wet. We were a little shocked, but it was nothing too out of the ordinary. Until one of the other girls joked that ‘it’s like the candle is possessed’ and the flame crackled again.” “Everyone was a little more spooked at this point, and we all took turns trying to blow the candle out. I was skeptical because I was always the one moving the Ouija Board at seances in high school. None of us were able to blow the flame out. Someone suggested that we try to communicate, and once we’d set up a system for yes and no (big flame for yes, small for no) we slowly discovered that the spirit was of a young boy who had died at OC. Once we pressed him for details he became angry.” “Finally we’d had enough and the flame had shown it’s anger too many times so we sat there until it went out. Once we saw smoke we al sighed in relief, but only a few seconds later the candle relit! We were freaked. Someone grabbed a Head of the Trent mug and put it over the candle to make sure it wouldn’t light itself again.” “Later we’d found out that the OC land was either bought or expropriated from farmers. What if they’d had a son who’d died on their land, and his spirit now haunts A house?” >
Traill is by no means the only haunted place at Trent. I was once told by a Don from Champlain College that he guessed that most of the Symons Campus site would be almost guaranteed to have spirits because of the unease caused by families losing their homes to University expropriation (see point 25 of the Trent Act1 ). Otonabee, besides being built Why are there so many ghost stobased on prison plans2 , also has a fair share of stories including this ries about such a small and relatively young institution? It could be simply one from Cathy Annand. 1 http://www.trentu.ca/administration/trentact. due to lots of young impressionable, html 2 http://www.absoluteastronomy.com/topics/ Trent_University
occasionally stressed out people living together in old buildings that make weird sounds and everyone loves a good ghost story. But it could also have a scientific explanation. Tracy Wilson at howstuffworks.com has a great article about the science of hauntings. She explains a few theories which range from the mundane such as poorly insulated homes with drafty areas causing feelings of unease, to the highly scientific such as magnetic fields influencing various portions of the human brain, or even low-frequency sound waves that can cause “feelings of nervousness and discomfort.”3 Could the old houses at Trent simply be fooling us with drafts and creaks? Or could the geological makeup of the drumlins have an effect on nearby magnetic fields? Both Traill and LEC are built on or near drumlins. could this explain the volume of ghost stories from Traill? Or could there be some ultra-low frequency sound waves emanating from the flow of the river, or vibrating plumbing? But perhaps these ghost stories really are true and caused by some kind of supernatural events? Maybe when you feel that draft in your room, it’s not just poor insulation, but the arrival of a young boy who died on the piece of land where your residence building now stands. And maybe the reason you feel creeped out alone at night in Kerr House is not because magnetic fields are tricking you into thinking someone is behind you, but because there actually is something there. And maybe the reason you always see something out of the corner of your eye on the way to the bathroom, isn’t because of some low-frequency sound wave interfering with your vision, but maybe it’s because there really is something down at the dark end of the hall... watching you. 3 http://science.howstuffworks.com/ghost3.htm
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Mixology 242: the drinks of the world The Irish Car Bomb
The Jägerbomb
Mikhail’s Monster Power Bomb
* 1/2 oz. Irish Cream (Bailey’s) * 1/2 pint Stout (Guinness) * 1/2 oz. Whiskey, Irish (Jameson. Not Bushmill’s, ‘cause that’s Protestant whiskey.)
* 1 oz. Herb schnapps (Jägermeister) * 1 can of energy drink (Red Bull) Pour can of energy drink into glass, drop shot into glass, drain the glass.
* 1 oz. Vodka (Stolichnaya) * 1/2 bottle of sports drink (Powerade) * 1/4 can energy drink (Monster) Combine sports and energy drink in glass, drop shot into glass, drain glass.
many years later that I discovered their secret. Why those bastards (I mean great friends) didn’t share this information with me earlier I will never know. It is as simple as this: 80% of your work can be completed in 20% of your time. It is so true. Think about how much real work you do in one week. Imagine if you put all the work and focused for a short period of time instead of spreading it out during the week. You would have so much more time to spend with the great relationships you have made in university and never miss out on any of the memorable events again. Okay, here is a list what you need to do:
learn everything and hey, you, might learn something!
If Only I Lived by the 80/20 Rule I Could Have Got Shit Done. Hello, my name is Ken and I am a procrastinator. During university I procrastinated a lot. I would always leave everything to the absolute last minute. Sound like you? Well, I am here to help. While I was in university I worried about what I needed to finish instead of working hard to get it done. While my friends were getting wasted, hanging out and having fun, I was at home worrying about my marks and trying to get things accomplished. How could it be, that all my friends were having fun and still get everything completed? I thought they were just lazy pot heads that weren’t going to make it in life. Today, they are all very successful in their respective fields. It wasn’t till
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- Get organized and prioritize what you need to get done - Share work and designate tasks if possible - Remove any clutter that makes you even more of a procrastinator (find someone to help you with this) - When you compile a to-do list make sure it doesn’t have too many tasks or you will set yourself up for failure - Attend classes… yeah I said it… this way you won’t have to go back and re-
- Set aside time to review what you learned the previous day (we only retain about 11% of what we learn so reviewing stimulates the memory. - Find a quiet place with absolutely NO distractions (I hear there is a library at Trent which I wish I discovered) - Finally, get your shit done and setup a reward system to acknowledge your achievements My friends from university are my best friends in the world and have really become family to me. However, now that we are older it is becoming increasingly difficult for us to meet up and hang out. You have the best opportunity to spend this time together and produce some of the best memories of your life and be successful. All you have to do is spend 20% of your time to get 80% of your work done. Get’er done!
Hey Arnold, New York is truly the city that never sleeps. I saw a hooker punch the crap out of her John at like 4am. I don’t know what else to write. Kind regards, your father
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Finders Crossword Puzzle 10th Anniversary Special
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1. Who is is the current Chancellor of Trent University 3. The ______ was a pub at Trent University that was demolished in 2006 4. Who was appointed Chancellor of Trent University in 1999 until his death in early 2002? 5. In 2008 what sport at Trent went a perfect 10-0 to win the Eastern Championships? 9. Symons campus is joined over water by what bridge? 11. This is the ______ year of Absynthe Magazine. 13. What name do Trent sport athletes play under at the varsity level? 16. Where was Trent University founded?
2. What college is named after a 17th century explorer? 6. How many colleges were at Trent University in Peterborough 10 years ago? 7. On Thirsty Thursdays at McThirsty’s, pints were priced at ___ dollars. 8. What street is Trent Radio on? 10. What college residences were sold in 2004 to a private landlord? 12. In what season is Head of the Trent held? 14. The school colours for Trent are White and _____. 15. What night is Trivia Night at the Piggy?
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It’s like a Page 3 girl! But it’s a guy! With his clothes on! On page 31. You know what a Page 3 girl is right? Like a Sunshine girl but with less clothes, straightened hair and a Surrey accent. absynthe magazine
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Kickenstein and D.A.N. is the story of two friends. One has the power to kick stuff really hard (that’s Kickenstein), and the other has “Dinosaur Availability Now” hence D.A.N. If you become dizzy while reading this comic, turn the paper clockwise 90° and the feeling will quickly pass.