by Bethany Evans

They asked God to look the other way and grant them their last and final wish. To be let in. To be forgiven.

I vanished with those men. Every one. As the switches were thrown, I saw my own fate play out over and over.

But when I die when I sit in their place just like they all wanted I won’t wish for forgiveness God knows there are no wrongs I have committed. Instead, God will plead with me to grant His wish to come inside His gates. He will ask me to forgive Him for letting me slip through his bloodied fingers. To love Him in spite of what he has allowed.

The Lie

Six of them shoved me to the back of the car One held a knife to my neck I stood as the weight of him pressed against me Pushing me into a metal wall I peered over his shoulder at the others Pointing pistols I watched flames dance in their eyes while They waited Pursed lips and sweaty palms I saw myself from above Like a dying animal But still I clung to him The first They came to me One after another I could only hear the whispers of other women’s names And their laughter It hovered around us It clogged my lungs And left me lifeless

This is the lie I told The lie I still believe The lie which keeps me Trapped beneath them

And under their white palms and swollen faces I was reminded Of what had never become of me

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The Trial

Have you ever written on any papers the date of your birth?

I don’t remember ever feeling like a child I was born whole And as the days pushed on The weight of those moments that made up my life Crowded me Drove me deeper into the earth Until it was as if I lived disappeared

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