Acu. | Issue #28 | Autumn 2020 The answers ebbed and flowed, flexed and morphed along with my state of mental wellbeing. Presented with a perceived threat my fight or flight default is FREEZE. I stopped. I froze. I slept. Harbouring self-sabotaging thoughts that normal service had been suspended through nonpayment of karma. Throw in some unhealed childhood trauma, a vague and sometimes not so vague sense of inferiority, a loathing of housework, and simmer gently for several weeks of lockdown. That’s a murky brew that’s pretty hard to swallow. Had social media presented me with one more immaculately feng shui’d household, or even the hint of another ‘This is a great holiday I’m paid to stay home’ captioned selfie, I may well have ‘done one’ and headed off to the hills. At least metaphorically, as my vehicle was one of the first things to go on the great 23 March personal expenditure cull. I know many a self-employed person can relate. And so it began, my personal act of rebellion. A deepening into my spirituality, a mission to find some new level of surrender and self-love. Not the self-love of bubble baths and fluffy slippers. The ‘drop to my knees for a full body utterly exhausting cathartic cry with an inner trust that once again I will rise renewed’ kind of self-love. Was this another dark night of the soul; a breakthrough disguised as a breakdown? If sit in silence and be with the shadow side of myself I must, then I guess it might as well have been during a global pandemic. The restrictions of Covid-19 gave me space and enabled me to hold discipline enough to come back to stillness and listen. I feel thwarted at times with a life outside the mainstream; the way of the rebel by its very nature is that of outlier. Verse 20 of the Dao De Jing – ‘The sadness of superficialities and of the unfulfilled great integrity’ – reminds me how often I have ‘despaired’. Not accepted by the power elite (not that I would want to be) and yet so often feeling rejected by the manipulated masses, who have been taught and trained to identify with the very views that victimise them. I resonate with the sense of frustration in Lao Tzu’s words: ‘It is sometimes deeply depressing to be a rebel, knowing that we can never share most people’s way of life, nor can they share ours.’ What saved me in those times of desperate aloneness, of freeze, of wanting to take action that would benefit humanity yet feeling unable, inadequate and, yes, at times ferociously unwilling? During a four-week retreat from social media and email I sat with more questions than answers. Do I use my roles and my work to feel good about myself? Do I use my earning capacity or my business turnover as a measure of the validity of my existence? How do I want to be changed by this experience?
Verse 13 of the Dao De Jing, Identity, was a frequent feature of my ponderings during woodland walks with my dog. ‘… when the universe becomes your self, When you love the world as yourself, All reality becomes your haven, Reinventing you as your own heaven.’ This identifying as an inseparable part of the universe, rather than an individual ego-identity easily bruised by both praise and criticism, and my daily spiritual practices saved me. Surrender, accept what is, flow with Dao… there’s the rub: Acceptance! My process of being with discomfort is summed up with the questions, how clenched is my butt? and, what’s my strapline? Oftentimes I pronounce in the confident voice of a robust northern lass, ‘It is what it is’. Sounds innocuous right? But what’s my subtext? What story do I inwardly add as fear simmers not so gently behind the crumbling façade of one adept at hiding in plain sight? A previous version of me used ‘it is what it is’ as avoidance, immediately positively reframing, quickly scrolling to the next thing, outwardly appearing confidently productive as I busied about being busy. Unaware I was hiding from ‘what is’, had you suggested such back then I’m pretty sure I’d have laughed in your face. Stage two has a similar appearance but now spoken through gritted teeth with an inner strapline, ‘It is what it is… and I am absolutely furious about it’. Cue inner work and frantic journaling. To move to stage three of authentic acceptance which lays beyond genuine surrender, there’s a world of sitting with, meditative artwork, reflection and self-enquiry. Not so much ‘fake it till you make it’ more ‘sit with it until you surrender to it’. If I’m judging of something, myself or a situation, I am only ever seeing the judgement. Letting go allows me to feel what is, rather than judge what I think I see. I practise meditative artwork daily allowing me to meet ‘what is’ in a creative way. Arriving after a nauseating journey at stage three – ‘it is what it is… and I completely accept it as it is” – I can trust the real meaning of those words. Is and isn’t, both or neither; no matter. Lockdown was time and space for me to question all areas of my life; where was I using ‘it is what it is’ as avoidance, through gritted teeth or in full acceptance? Balance is not always symmetrical and flow has differing appearances of speed; yes, it is what it is. I have no plan to reopen my clinic. I feel this universal ‘pattern interrupt’ redirected me to open to new possibilities to step fully into my role as Daoist Priest and to allow my artwork to move me in new ways. I’ve heard the call, I’m done resisting, I am willing to walk an untrodden path, to enter the forest at its darkest point... Joseph Campbell would be proud.
Opinion
31
The classic of difficulties Guiltiest pleasure
Grilled cheese sandwiches (at 2 in the morning)
Favourite song lyric
Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can, No need for greed or hunger, A brotherhood of man. Imagine all the people, Sharing all the world… You may say I’m a dreamer, But I’m not the only one. I hope someday you’ll join us, And the world will live as one John Lennon
Desert island disc
Prefer the sweet sweet sound of the wind and the waves
Desert island film
Anything directed by Hayao Miyazaki
Desert island book
The Forty Rules of Love Elif Shafak
Hero/heroine
Korra from The Legend of Korra
If you weren’t an acupuncturist what would you be doing?
Setting up a scuba diving and yoga shala… but there’d still be acupuncture in the picture – love it too much to ditch it completely
Superpower of choice
Mind bogglingly brilliant pulse diagnosis skills
A one-way ticket to… Tiwi Beach, Kenya
Which word/phrase do you overuse? ‘hmm’ …oops I’m doing it now too
What do you see when you turn out the light? The moon and the starry sky
Fantasy dinner party guests
Kamala Harris, Bob Marley, the Yellow Emperor and Marie Curie
What’s your diagnosis?
No one’s been able to come up with one yet
Worst nightmare
Too scary to share
Favourite proverb
There are 40 kinds of lunacy but only one kind of common sense: Bantu proverb
One bed or multibed? Depends
What’s your animal?
Well Tara means star in Sanskrit and I love the ocean so it would have to be a starfish
What has life taught you?
That there’s ALWAYS more to learn
Tell us a joke
Good acupuncture is a jab well done… feel free to groan!
Tara Manji Overseas Member: Nairobi
