ENDGAME A HATE/LOVE RELATIONSHIP

SHE ONCE LOVED RUNNING, BUT IN HIGH SCHOOL CAME TO HATE IT. HERE'S HOW THIS RUNNER GOT HER

For about four years, my entire identity was centered around being a runner.

It started in seventh grade with a few laps around the community track. By the end of that school year, I was running track and I was hooked. From running the mile to racing cross-country courses with some of the best runners in Massachusetts where I grew up, I loved every second of it.

But as I progressed through my first two years of high school, I began to place more and more pressure on myself. My pre-race rituals, riddled with superstitions, had to be exact.

If I didn’t stretch extensively the night before, eat at the exact same times and have a plan for the race mapped out in my head, I feared the outcome before the race even started.

Instead of the excited and jittery feeling I once had before racing, I felt dread even thinking about the start line and would ruminate in my race anxiety. Even while running, I couldn’t wait for the race to be over.

I became obsessive and fixated on my race results. I soon found I would rather cheer my team on from the sidelines so I could escape the anxiety that accompanied racing.

The Yerkes-Dodson Law of Arousal and Performance outlines that a moderate level of arousal is optimal for performance, and if arousal levels are too high or too low, performance tends to suffer.

The levels of pre-race anxiety that I was feeling were not only affecting my attitude towards racing, but my physical ability to complete the race to my fullest potential.

The Side Benefits Of Lockdown

Then the pandemic hit. Soon, it was evident that spring track, along with many other aspects of normal life, would be put on hold.

As isolating and scary as the social distancing was, it was a chance to grow beyond running. I scratched the surface of some of my other interests, rekindling my love for music, art and cooking, as well as developing a new-found passion for sustainability and the environment. I gave running a break.

But as I entered my junior year at Marshfield High School, my anxiety around running returned as the college application process began. I had to choose whether or not to pursue collegiate running.

People constantly asked whether I was going to run as an undergrad, I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t continue to run in college. I also feared not being part of a team.

Though college sports are great for many people, deep down, I felt more stress than excitement at the thought of becoming a college athlete.

During my junior year in high school, I decided I wanted to study nursing. And after much back-andforth, I also concluded that I did not want to run competitively in college.

Starting my senior year of high school, I was aware that I only had three seasons left of high school running. With no plans to continue competitive running after graduation, I finally just wanted to allow myself to have fun with running.

Rediscovering Joy

My senior year my cross-country team was small, but a tight-knit group.

I noticed that the underclassmen had a fresh excitement for the sport, and it was quite contagious. They added a goofiness and liveliness to every workout and recovery run. They helped me realize that the sport you choose is supposed to be fun and something you look forward to.

That team helped me shake up my pre-race rituals. As we laughed and chatted on the warm-ups, my chest felt a little looser. We huddled, exchanging positive affirmations and a little team cheer, stepping on the starting line excited to race together. We were speedy but I didn’t focus on my times.

I stopped putting so much of my worth in the numbers. Though I understand good athletes need to track stats such as time, number of goals scored and weights lifted, quantifying aspects of my activity was not for me.

I set myself up for success by visualizing the courses and staying present through my workouts and races. Before, during and after running I was in my own body, not yearning for the finish line or dissecting my value based on how the race went.

So much of my time practicing had previously been filled with negative thoughts and strict expectations about how I should perform, leaving me to neglect enjoyment and the natural flow that accompanied running.

Getting into the flow of your workouts breaks up the negative thoughts, selfdemotion and over analyzing. It can also lead to optimal performance, according to a study by faculty at the University of New England in Australia.

In that study, one group of cyclists underwent mindfulness training. Both that group and the control group were then evaluated on aspects of well-being such as sport-related anxiety and flow occurrence. The group given the mindfulness training saw increases in mindfulness and flow and improved performance.

A CHANGED MIND-SET

Soon, I began to judge my races off how I felt and not off of strict paces and micromanaged milestones. I began setting my own aspirations.

By the spring track season, I wasn’t running as fast as I previously had, but I was happier and healthier. I started my races excited, finished satisfied with how I did and quickly moved onto the next part of my day.

Eventually, my senior track season ended and I took a long time away from running. After weeks of complete rest, I began exercising more intuitively and allowed myself to move my body in ways that felt good.

To love your sport again, you have to allow yourself to have space from it. You must find out who you are without it in order to realize that you are not your sport; that you are so much more.

Since my time off, I’ve reentered my running journey now at the University of Vermont. I started without tracking my running at all, just going for however long I felt.

Now, I wear a watch and track my mileage again — but in a healthier way.

In November of 2022, I felt ready to set some more goals around running and decided to train for a half marathon, something that I’ve always wanted to do. I am only a few weeks out from the Martha’s Vineyard Half Marathon, which I will be running in May.

At this point, I feel only excitement for that race day.

Olivia Langlan is majoring in Professional Nursing with a minor in Nutrition and Food Sciences at UVM She writes for the Vermont Cynic, where a version of this essay first appeared.