The On Dit Team
Editors: Clare Buckley, Steph Walker & Vincent Coleman
Phone: (08) 8303 5404 Email: ondit@adelaide.edu.au
AUU Watch Hannah Mattner State of the Union Lavinia Emmett-Grey Current Affairs Shelly Lasslet Local Issues Patrick McCabe Jarrod Fitch Lia Svilians Dit-licious Lily Hirsch Fashion Kate Bird Lara Francis Elise Lopez Film Nav Sandhu (yes we can!) Anders Wotzke Sean Kellett Literature Alicia Moraw International Student Life (Shenglan Liu) aka Bob Music Andrew Auld Countney Day Jimmy (Swanny) Clarke Vox Pop Myriam Robin Christopher Arblaster Nightlife Ainsley Campbell Arts Natalie Oliveri Science Anna Ehmann Gaming/PC Alan Lee Sport Angus Chisholm TV Lauren Roberts Poetry & Short Stories Lauren Lovett Adam Klimkiewicz Pro/Anti-Consumerism Greg Taylor Tristan Adams Witty Wordmith Sean Kellett Travel Steph Walker
The On Dit Editors would like to thank Contents Editorial ... 2-3 Pro vs Anti Consumerism ... 4-5 AUU Watch ... 6 State of the Union ... 7 Ditlicious - Ode to India ...8-9 Intenational Student Section ... 10 Local Issues ...12-15 Music ... 16-21 Arts Section ...22-24 Fashion - Dignity is the New Black etc ...26-30 Vox Pop - Editors go Blue Steel ... 32-34 Sport ...36 Pitch - Will Anderson...37 Science ... 38 Idiot Box - TV ...39 Film - Oscars, Reviews and Comps ...40-45 Stereotypical or Struggler Column ... 45 Short Stories and Poetry ... 46-48 Travel - Keeping your Humor in Cuba ...49-51 Witty Wordsmith Column ... 52 Gaming - It's a Hard Spock Life ... 53 What D'ya Reckon? This issues issue ... 54-55 Clubs Association Piece ... 56 -57 Future Music Festival Comp ...57 SRC President Piece ... 58 Bradley Review Article ... 58-59 Meat Doesn’t Grow on Trees ... 60-61 Literature ... 62-63 Vincent’s A to Z of University ... 64
Kim at the Union Office - You are like Jesus and Oprah Combined. Myriam, we look forward to having you as our surrogate for our future children. You have helped us so much. Every Sub-Editor who got their section in by deadline Natalie for calling the office and saying she’s not going to be ashamed of us ...yet. Cat for laughing hysterically at our jokes, we needed the selfesteem boost. To Friends and Family, we are sorry we’re never around. We are sorry when we are around that we’re grumpy, and we are sorry we always talk about On Dit. Thank you to energy drinks (2 cartons), alcohol,cigarettes, the daft punk hand dance, vending machines and frozen tea towels. Thank you to Danny for showing us InDesign and its mysterious logic. The good people at the Rhino Room for hosting our Party. Thank Steph’s Mum Carol for giving us sandwiches, fruit, chocolate, juice and cookies. Garth Walker for spending his birthday helping Vincent and Steph with InDesign booklets, PDFs and links. For quoting Arrested Development over the sound of our screams of fear and stress.
Marketing William Fisher Design Daniel Brookes
On Dit is a publication of the Adelaide University Union. The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of the Editors, The University of Adelaide, Or the Adelaide On Dit: Proudly Sponsored by the Adelaide University University Union. Union
Editor's Editorial with Clare, Steph & Vincent I love this job, and I’ve wanted to be an Editor of On Dit since 2006. I spent the night in my office on Wednesday the 28th of January, trying my best to get through as much layout as possible. I got heatstroke and started slurring my words, I watched Slumdog Millionaire and Shrek 3 instead of sleeping. I miss parties, I miss family dinners, coffee with friends, sleep – yet I never miss work, for On Dit, or the other employment that makes this salary free honour-bound position possible. But I am so happy when I sit down in this office. I’ve thought about doing the job again- before the first edition had come out. Even on good days, I’m mentally incapable of speaking about anything not related to On Dit. I will always have and enjoy the guilt that while I took the job, those around me will have to suffer the burden of my whimsical moods, conversation and non-attendance to previously RSVP’d events. Just recently it was brought to my attention that there would be 2,500 copies of On Dit around the Uni and the city. I was scared - I am still terrified, there have been 76 On Dit editors before us. I want to grab this crazy illogical Mac with it’s coloured spinning circle and watch graphic and run into the Torrens - Virginnia Wolfe style. I love this job though. News just in - I have lost my casual retail job, because I cannot work 30+ hours a week for them and 38 hours at On Dit (plus uni). Read: Steph Walker is seeking awesome employment (legal) preferably media and film related. I love this job, but it is unpaid.
As I sit in this sweltering hot-box we call an office I wonder why the hell we fought so hard for this unpaid, extra-curricular and non-officially-creditable position. It all seemed so romantic watching last years eds plow through edition after edition. Not that it’s all bad. Stock the Clubs fridge with beer, mother, coke, icy-poles and menacing KEEP AWAY signs and your halfway to a party-pad! 2009 is looking to be a bumper year. We’ve learned to use InDesign and PhotoShop with no training in under a week, are being shipped off to Melbourne as soon as this issue is proofed and finally get to sell-out and go glossy! If you haven’t noticed yet, On Dit is looked rather snazzy these days, thanks to the Union’s new printers. Rest assured, as much as it may look like Entropy we still own our souls. We’re still the On Dit you know and love, as ribald and copyright-suss as ever. With any luck by the time you read this we’ll have moved to our new office, otherwise this is Vincent Coleman signing off from the hot-box we call home. I’m Clare Buckley. When I tell people that I’m one of On Dit’s editors I get one of two reactions: ‘What’s On Dit?’, or eyes lighting up with devious excitement followed by a long story about how much they love this paper. To be an Editor is a huge honour & responsibility. Throughout its publication history, On Dit has enjoyed an eventful & subversive existence & has constantly reinvented itself in the style of the newest generation. Our goal for 2009 is to make your eyes light up in excitement when you spy the latest issue of On Dit. If today’s media is to be believed, our generation is made up of self-centred bimbos fixated on modern addictions to text-messaging, binge drinking & unprotected sex. Apparently, we only care about ourselves. We at On Dit disagree. Our generation does care about the world around us but we don’t get to express our voice in established media. That’s why On Dit matters to students. It is a unique & accessible outlet for us to rage, rant, & gossip about our world & determine our place in the New World Order. We want to ensure that On Dit is accessible to the wider student audience, remains politically & socially relevant while remaining independent of student political parties so that this newspaper can be remain an integral part of University culture for years to come.
o r r e P m u s n “I don’t want aid; I want Co
trade. Aid cannot transform society. If I get aid it must be the aid that enables me to trade.” – Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni, 2003
Devil’s Advocate A manichean pantomime on politics, religion & the economy.
People, the world is on the brink of destruction and there is only one option left for us. Head to your nearest nuclear fallout bunker and wait for John Connor’s call. Wait, what am I saying? Judgment day was either 1997 or 2003 according to T2 and T3 respectively, so obviously I’m writing the wrong article. Hmm, what am I meant to be telling you to do? Ah, yes, this was it: If we are to survive we must globalize. A lot of the world isn’t surviving, instead they’re dying from poverty, but a good dose of the free market could change all that. Bring on capitalism. I may even be able to fit in a little bit on the survival of society and politics too. Globalization is the best way to tackle such dire situations as world poverty and climate change, the majority of others having failed gloriously. The main alternative being altruism, specifically in the form of international aid, may just be the biggest mistake Western nations have ever made, as it encourages a culture of dependency, and promotes one of laziness. “I will not face any problems or seek to improve myself, because others will do it for me.” We have a fantastic example of such effects in our own back yard, the Indigenous Australians. For a global comparison, look no further than Africa. New Jobs, money and ideas, these are the things globalization brings. They allow better infrastructure, cleaner technology, longer lives, better lifestyles and a greater contribution to the rest of the world. And the best thing about it, poorer nations benefit more than the richer nations, and everybody benefits. To bring about globalization we need to free up the global markets. The greatest road block to the improvement of poor nations is our own short sighted protectionism. Western nations make trade with poor countries impossibly hard due to ridiculous tariffs and taxes designed to ensure the safety of our own industries. Not only are we punishing poor nations with such attitudes, but also ourselves. They prevent us from enjoying access to cheaper and better products. Terribly, a lot of individuals support this protectionism, I point to the ‘Australian Made’ sticker as another local example. Why buy an inferior and more expensive product because it is made in your nation? Any industry that cannot compete, Australian or international, should be punished instead of supported. Then, as the survival instinct kicks in, we might see some innovation.
Competition and innovation are the hallmarks of capitalism, not greed, apathy or consumerism. They’re just human nature, evolved traits which are evident throughout history. The hallmarks are the reason capitalism won the war against communism and socialism, and why we enjoy such prosperous lifestyles today. Unfortunately the transition to a fully globalised economy cannot happen overnight. It requires careful planning, as there are costs to be minimized and losers to be mollified, but once it has happened the species will be better off. That’s the economy covered and I’ll leave my solution to climate change, (cutting down all the trees) until the environmental edition, so to the survival of politics. Given that the average politician now has a shelf life similar to Spam and a current survivability on par with deinococcus radiodurans, I doubt politics is going to go extinct anytime soon. As to the consideration of society, and making the broadest generalizations available to me in my remaining space, World War Three is not going to be fought in the name of nationalism or for cheaper bread. The nukes will be dropped along the borders of ideology and religion, so my advice is that everybody becomes an atheist and then takes up an ideology proven to work: capitalism. Anyone not so quick to skip out on God and looking to survive the coming Rapture, but feeling their jacket may not be the cleanest on the block; I suggest you take up Satanism quick. At the very least, cutting out the middle man should save some time. Tristan Adams
Something to Google (a.k.a. further reading): • • • •
Europe post WWII: before and after the Marshall Plan Brady Bonds and the Philippines The rise of the Asian Tigers, and Their destruction by IMF aid.
I’m here to slap you across the face my friends, and wake you up to the fact that you are no longer human. You are now Consumer, and your lot is to work, earn and spend to keep the economy afloat. Free thought is obsolete, and it is a hindrance to Capitalism. Sound drastic? Well drastic times call for drastic measures. Half of the worlds population is living below the poverty line, yet capitalism must survive at all costs. It’s time we started to take a long hard look at ourselves, at our society, and where we are headed. Because as things sit right now, we are staring down the barrel of a bleak future. There is no plan for ending global poverty, wars are being fought for dubious reasons, and the planet is teetering on the brink of destruction. And yet here we sit, obsessed with acquisition, in debt by the billions, polluting the planet at an alarming rate, pillaging it’s natural resources. And why? Because capitalism breeds greed. And worse yet, it breeds apathy. Here’s a little lesson on why we are consumers: The name of the game today is reward. The majority of us in the Western or Americanised world will sit in jobs we despise, unsatisfied and bored. Jobs that, for the most part, bear no consequence other than to provide us with money. What no-one seems to understand is that we are actually in these jobs to enable us to go to that very job! We spend our surplus money on rewards, to negate the frustration and boredom of a 9 to 5’er, and return to the office on Monday to do it all again. We drink to excess on Friday and Saturday to release our thoughts of the working week, and again return on Monday to do it all over. We are stuck in a rut, a cycle of working, earning and spending, that we will be in until we pay off our mortgages or die, which ever rolls around first. And meanwhile a billion people live on less than a dollar a day. Hundreds of millions of people are homeless or refugees. And we have the gall to call ourselves a global community. We who live like kings in a capitalist realm, actually think that we are an active member of this global community!? This is why capitalism will be the downfall of modern humanity. For one, men in suits cannot be trusted to hold the power. Because men in suits want more suits, and more power. Secondly, Capitalism dictates that enough is never enough. You will never have enough clothes, your TV will never be big enough, and your car will never be fast enough. And as such, the problems of the world will never be solved. So what is the answer if not capitalism? I’m not here to turn back time, to revert to peasant life and the horse drawn cart. There are far too many of us for that, and we have passed the technological point of no return. What we need is a system of altruism, and a release of the programming of consumerism that has been
Ant iCon sum e
r
uploaded to our minds since birth. We need to realise that we have enough things, and that despite what we are taught, acquisition is not the source of happiness. Imagine if instead of our focus being on creating personal wealth, it was on creating and working on global projects to end poverty, and climate change. Wouldn’t that be a source of true happiness, as opposed to the fleeting endorphin rush experienced by a latest purchase? After all, the goal of every human, beyond attaining the basic needs, is surely happiness. Somewhere along the way however it all went skew-whiff, and the road to happiness became via wealth. It is this very delusion that puts us amongst the predicaments that we face today. At some point we need to turn our attentions to creating a shared utopia, instead of a share portfolio. We need to let go of our fear of not becoming rich. We need to let go of nationalism, and adopt globalism. We need the power to return to the people, and to use our democratic force for the good of the planet and humanity. Be assured that while capitalism is God, three things are certain: economy will always come before environment, greed will always come before poverty, and war will always come before peace. Until we learn to let go of our need for money, things, and power, we will not put the well-being of our global brothers and sisters first. And that will be the essence of global survival. Greg Taylor The Anti-Consumer
State of the Union
AUU Watch
AUU WATCH Hannah Mattner Everyone’s probably sick of hearing the basics about the AUU, so we’re going to skip the simple parts. If you want the ‘this is what the AUU is’ spiel over again (but more interesting than usual), check out adelaidestudentpolitics.blogspot.com for the details. Instead of the usual intro, here’s five of the big issues in front of the Board at the moment:
The National Union of Students and what this year’s proceedings say about the Board
Summer is always a busy time for student politics because it’s the time when six delegates from Adelaide
University go to the annual forum of the National Union of Students – the national student advocacy body. This was very controversial at Adelaide this year because the elections for NUS delegate were cancelled and, instead of re-working the elections, or even having the Board appoint delegates from those who nominated for the position, Activate and Pulse – the two most active factions – chose six people to fill the role. Most of those who nominated originally weren’t aware of the meeting in which they could have been appointed until after it happened, and two of the appointees weren’t even on the original list of nominees. Coupled with the fact that the positions were split evenly between Pulse and Activate, this suggested the selection of delegates was about as far from fair and honest as you can get. The positions within NUS are powerful within the scope of student politics, and this forum determines the direction of many NUS policies for the year to come.
The Student Representative Council
I
n 2007, the Adelaide University’s student advocacy body, the SAUA, died of VSU and fiscal ignorance. The lack of an advocacy body has been keenly felt by the AUU, so there’s been a lot of work put into replacing it with a new, and obviously completely different, advocacy body. Last year’s office bearers were appointed mid-year to a body that legally didn’t exist, and then the elections for the positions were cancelled, causing some to lose faith in the prospect of an operating SRC in 2009. However, there has been a lot of progress with the SRC lately, with a constitution drafted and the successful selection of the SRC office bearers for 2009. It looks like the SRC may actually function this year, though no-one can say how well until we have the office bearers at work.
FFurthermore, urthermore, when two Board directors when two Board directors gave
gave quotes quotes to an ex-director for a press release on the issue (one director subsequently withdrew his comments before the press release went out), they were brought in front of the Board as having breached AUU policy, and a vote of censure against them was moved. The motion was defeated, but it was a telling response to an attempt to address the corruption within the AUU.
I
The Vice President
n the last Board meeting Vice President John Bowers was put on notice for his continual absences and failure to report to Board. While VPs in the AUU are congenitally underperforming, we’d at least received one written report and a recipe for chicken chowder from the previous VP at this point last year. By the time uni goes back, the Board may have decided to elect a new VP.
While
The Overseas Students Association
Tdered he OSA last year meandered, wanand splonked its way through the
year, earning endless ire from the Board directors at the time. The elections that were meant to be held in October were held with last-minute notice to a handful of people have been declared invalid (2008 was a good year for elections, clearly). While this is negative in itself, the AUU President, Lavinia Emmett-Grey, has been working with a group of dedicated individuals from the OSA to re-draft their constitution, so that it actually functions. If we get such a passionate and constructive group in after a supplementary election, the OSA might actually do something meaningful for overseas students this year and live up to its status as an affiliate.
Reform?
it’s not an immediate issue, the reform of the AUU governance structure and constitution will be a core issue this year. Constitutional reform is essential if the AUU is to ditch the history of botched operations and factional conflict that has plagued it. The cancellation of some of last years’ elections is simply the latest example of the problems this lack of reform has caused.
Lavinia Emmett-Grey Pay attention. This is important. As I write this article, the madness has yet to happen. The Union is starting to simmer quietly with activity as O Camp, O Week and O Ball Directors start wandering around in a kind of a daze as they realise the burden that is on their shoulders – to pull off Adelaide Uni’s epic Orientation calendar. It all starts with Orientation Camp down at Normanville for 3 days and 120 first years. O Camp is like training for O Week and you’ll recognise them during the week – they’re the first ones to volunteer to skull 4 litres of milk, because their stomachs will have been hardened for the task. O Week is happening from 23-27 of February, with Clubs and the Adelaide Uni Union down on the Barr-Smith Lawns, and Sports up on the Hughes Plaza. There will be bands, free food, cheap beer, giant twister, gymnastics and sword-fighting demos, sack races, Popeye cruises, tug-o-war, jumping castles and potentially camels. If you don’t make it down for O Week, then you are missing out on the killer campus culture that makes us famous, so if you can’t be bothered, then you might as well bugger off and go to UniSA. O Ball will be happening on 14 March in the Cloisters with Little Red, Children Collide, The John Steel Singers, Cassette Kids and Tracer with tickets only $20 for students. Adelaide Uni O Ball has a culture of awesome Aussie bands, cheap drinks and a chill out area on the Barr Smith lawns. Put it in your diary now. If you’re just starting out at Adelaide, it’s probably helpful to know what the Adelaide University Union is there to do. Basically, the university provides your academic needs, while the AUU gives you the community aspect of university life. Through our affiliates we offer 40 sporting and 80 social clubs, student representation at a variety of levels and through Student Care we provide the Education Welfare Officers, who are there to help you with anything from Centrelink, accommodation, student loans, legal help and academic advocacy ie they will help you if you’re getting screwed over by the uni.
AUU The AUU also supports Student Radio on 101.5 FM 6 hours a week, On Dit (yeah, the paper you have in your hands), the Employment Service if you ever need help getting work, events throughout the year and the Resource Centre on Level 4 of Union House where you can buy Venuetix and get printing and binding done. If you’re continuing at Adelaide and would like to know about what the AUU’s been doing over the summer, please see the first few paragraphs. Then pay homage to the army of volunteers who helped make Orientation so fabulous. Don’t forget, the AUU has been around since 1895 and is governed for students, by students. If you want to have a say in how your organisation works, or if you just want to flip sausages at one of our events, get involved! If you wish to contact me about the union, or if you would just like to help me take a less pretentious photo for my column, you can reach me at lavinia.emmettgrey@adelaide.edu.au.
Ode to Indian Food
Dit-lic ious
Lily Hirsch
Last year I stayed in Santineketan for one month, so to make getting around easier and cheaper I bought a bike. This year we have been getting around the area with both of us on the one-person bike, desperately hoping that the multitude of buses, trucks, tractors and cows won’t knock us off the road and turn us into pancakes. We also feel mildly offended that no one has learnt the new road rule- that it is US and not the cows that have the divine right on the road. Instead, this wonderful rule is ignored and we accept our lot as we are forced to dodge and wobble around as we search for some cha or as we ride to the local school sports carnival, our lunch packed in a tiffin.
Hi everyone! I hope to find you all well rested
and ready for an exciting culinary journey with Dit-licious! I am currently traveling in India, It won’t be all samosas and palak paneer this year. There are so many exciting festivals in Adelaide that support a vibrant selection of foods. I’ll also rustle up some good ideas on cheapie student restaurants for you to visit and also to shop at, as well as lots of other stuff. The main reason for my 3rd journey to India is to visit my 97 year old great aunt, Gerti. I met her for the first time last year. She lives with her husband Kiron, who is 93 years old and they have been married for 72 years! They live in a quiet university village called Santineketan, which is about a 2 hour train ride out of Calcutta. Accompanying me is Genevieve and it is her first time in India.
We arrived in India with sieve-like arms from all the injections, rattling bags full of medications for all variety of possible ailments and stomachs rumbling in anticipation for the edible delights that India would provide. Seeing as I managed to don 8 kilos when I was here in 2005 (which was for three months). The problem with India is that everything is just so damn good! Both Genevieve and myself are in vegetarian heaven here!
During the day buses pass us on our bike and as we avoid the rush of many tons of metal by inches, we catch glimpses of rainbows through the windows, a bright yellow dupatta is caught in the wind, while a blue sari clad woman walks serenely through the confusion. Later in the day, sitting in the garden with Gerti and Kiron, we listen to Gerti regale stories of life in India in the 1930s and onwards and try to avoid her adamant offers of tea, due to the filthiness of her kitchen and the potential cure for cancer lurking in her dirty cups... (kudos to the Black Books reference! - eds.) they desperately need to be cleaned from the inside out... So far we have only once failed in the art of tea-avoidance and only managed to survive this ordeal by tipping the tea out of the kitchen window on the pretext of going to get some sugar. To give you an idea of my great aunt’s frugelness and subsequent filth, last year she hired a guy named Rajiv to keep the garden tidy and to guard the house. I asked him to do the dishes and gave him some detergent. Gerti was disgusted with me “You spoil Rajiv too much! He does the dishes and you give him detergent! So spoilt!”
Dit-licious
The woman who runs our guesthouse makes some delicious meals. We also tasted great street food, such as dosa (rice pancakes with vego chutney and curry). These wonderful creations, which are traditionally from Southern India, are only 17 rupees here (56cents). We have also been sampling a new kind of drink each day. So far we are yet to find one with a sugar level less than what feels like 103%. Our favourites by far include Mazza (a mango drink) and Thums Up (correct spelling) “Taste the thunder! Contains no added fruit, contains extra flavour” It is great - you can feel your teeth rot!
A favourite snacks is pani puri. I could seriously feast on these every day and not have another desire in the world. They consist of a hollow crispy shell about the size of a golf ball. Inside is stuffed with potato, chickpeas and mung beans and then dipped in spiced water. The result is an explosion of joy. You can buy puri in Adelaide. There is an Indian grocer on Market Street (just off Gouger Street) who sells them. Crisp them up in the oven before you use them because they generally are a bit stale. The grocer also sells masala (spice mix for the water).
Indians living along the coast typically eat more fish than those in the centre. Riding through the market each morning we watch the process of cleaning and scaling the fish by men sitting on the ground and cleaving them with large curved blades stuck on boards,. The scales glisten, the smell wafts and the dogs appear. Later in the day you hear the incessant cries of Maaaarrrcch, Maaaarrrcch! sung by men walking around the streets and through the lanes selling fish door to door (at least they aren’t selling religion!).
At this time of year around here the evening is reminiscent of a mild autumn night in Adelaide, perhaps light jumper weather. Instead men huddle around cha stalls perched on wooden benches, sipping the scolding tea out of ceramic cups. They shiver under their layers of blankets and their noses poke out from under balaclavas, the glow of a beedie (a small hand rolled cigarette) occasionally illuminating their faces. Nighttime, after a hard days work, is social time. It is a male dominated culture where woman are rarely seen. The sun sets on Santineketan, a burning orange disk suspended in a think grey sky, and we head back to the guest house, wobbling down the dusty lane, just in time for another homely meal of roti, rice and dal. At the time of writing we have been in Santi for a week and will be leaving for Darjeeling tonight (despite some political unrest that we are very much hoping will not affect us). After Darjeeling we will be heading to Delhi and Mumbai, so more Indian updates later! We are particularly excited about an approaching overdose of momo’s (a traditional Tibetan styled dumpling which is very popular in the chilly northern climbs of India). Namaste and I hope you all have a fantastic O’Week!
Food can protect you! Ingredients - 7 chillis - a handful of lemons - 1 piece of string Method
In India the evil eye is called ‘drishti’ or ‘nazar’ and can be removed through ‘aarthi’. To ward off or remove the evil eye from your car, get someone to spit on a handful of lemons and then run the lemons over with the car. Then thread a new lemon on a string with the chillis and hang from your number plate or rear vision mirror and in this way the evil eye in the future may be warded off.
international Student
Welcome to Adelaide
Hi, all.
Welcome to Australia! Welcome to Adelaide! Welcome to the University of Adelaide! For International Students, living in a new culture can be both exciting and frustrating, providing many opportunities and many challenges. You may probably feel a bit nervous as well when you arrive in Australia, a massive land full of people coming from a huge variety of cultural backgrounds. Australia is a country of migration, a totally new environment to live and study. That’s why you will find it exciting, it’s brand new and you will have a lot for expectations. On the other hand, there are all sorts of difficulties for you to overcome such as being homesick, cultural shock, language barrier (if your mother tongue is not English), not being used to the life style, educational system here and so on. All these factors can be the cause of nervousness when you’re looking forward to a promising future in Australia. People often go through various phases of adjustment before they can be involved in the local culture. The first issue to be solved is certainly to find a place to live. There are several choices. Student hostels usually offer single bedroom accommodation, which maybe fully furnished, but only a limited number of twin, double and triple share rooms may be available. Rent varies between $100-$200 per week depending upon whether or not meals are provided. Sharing a house is rather common, quite economical and flexible. However bathrooms and kitchens are for every one to share and maintain. Personally, I prefer home-stay. Boarding in a home with a local family can provide international students with a couple of benefits. You can experience more and learn more about Australia. Usually, home-stay includes a furnished room, two or three meals per day. Although it can be fairly expensive, your English level will improve quickly and you can become involved in local culture more easily. Remember, you are usually asked to pay 2-week rent as the bond in advance and sign a contract with some landlords about the length of your stay. It’s also important to let you landlord sign his names whenever you pay the rent. Also, you should inform your landlord at least two weeks ahead of your moving to somewhere else.
More information in detail can be found on the booklet called Student Accommodation Guide
from the Accommodation Service. The emotion associated with leaving home and initial excitement of traveling can be exhausting. For example, when you arrive at a local family for homestay. Your initial impression of the new surroundings may be confusing as you are tired after the journey and everything is new. Even the notes and coins here are very different compared to the money used in your country. One of the critical parts of adjusting to living in Adelaide is to be fully prepared spiritually for some common issues that almost all the international students are facing. The excitement during the journey is soon followed by not only confusion, but also the emotion of being rather homesick. The reasons accounting for that are; the new environment, being away from your family and friends and culture shock! Studying overseas means that you are far away from you family, friends and your country that you’re familiar with. The result is that you will certainly be quite lonely at the beginning. When university study starts, it is quite easy to make some new friends. Making friends is a good way to forget loneliness, making you less home-sick. But it’s easy for you to become more aware of the differences from your home country and miss the familiarity of home as the excitement of setting out wears off and constant challenges appear in your daily life. You struggle to adjust to the new environment, being anxious at the same time. What you are experiencing is referred to as ‘culture shock’. A series of events may constantly challenge your values and beliefs accumulate. Many things you take for granted in your home country might change dramatically. Sounds and sights are no longer those you are familiar with. Personally, I have found the types of food here have less variety than in my country. And people here have totally different diet structure. Language is also a major issue for some international students. Not all of us can have a chance to live with a local family. You may be less under stress if you have a relatively high English level. It is important to deal with the causes and effects of culture shock. Some strategies will be provided next time. BoB
Local issues
ANGRY
ABOUT
UNIISSUESTOGET patrick mccabe
T
his issue, we’ve decided to provide a guide to uni-related issues you should be getting angry about – and hopefully changing for the better. Often, new uni students might not fully understand the jilted rantings of older hands. We hope new students can use this guide to get up to speed quickly so that they are able to become a typical uni student whinger as soon as possible.
The Student Services Fee
For years, VSU (voluntary student unionism) has been the bane of many uni students. Introduced in 2006 by the Howard Government, VSU meant membership of the student union (the AUU) was no longer compulsory. Before 2006, all students had to pay a fee to the union. Hooray, you may say, what a victory for civil rights. Well, perhaps. But the union provided a lot of services to students, funded by these compulsory union fees. When the Howard Government pulled the plug on compulsory unionism, student unions around the country were decimated. Of course, a great proportion of the student population stopped paying fees the minute they weren’t forced to, even if they did actually benefit from union services. Union budgets dropped by millions of dollars and many established services were cut. For instance at Flinders, the student newspaper collapsed. At Adelaide Uni, the Unibar, Mayo Café and so on had to be sold to a private company, the National Wine Centre. Arguably more important services such as counselling, welfare and child care also suffered. Whether or not you agree with the principle of forcing people to join a union, it did seem that the transfer to voluntary student unionism was at the very least mismanaged. Cutting unions’ budgets so drastically so quickly meant unions had no time to prepare for the changes and act accordingly. The Rudd Government has just introduced
a ‘student services fee’ to try to help address this problem. The fee, which will come into effect on July 1 2009, will be up to $250 annually and will be compulsory for all students. The catch is that the fee won’t really go into the hands of unions. It will be used for funding some unionran student services and such, but won’t just be handed to the union to spend how they wish. That means certain elements of union activities will remain unfunded, such as the more political, activist facets of the union’s activities. We hope to bring you more information about this new fee and how it will be implemented at Adelaide Uni through the year, but in the meantime, we encourage you to get enraged in any way you can.
HECS debts and uni fees
Of course, it is great fun and very easy to get angry about having to pay money, so uni fees are a constant target of student resentment. To help with your whinging, let’s have a quick run-down of uni fee history, courtesy of Wikipedia (wait, no, I mean an ‘independent expert’). In the seventies, under Gough Whitlam, uni fees were abolished. Yes, that’s right, abolished. In fact, students were actually paid to go to uni, because they received a government student allowance (admittedly usually very small). However, in 1989, Bob Hawke introduced the HECS (Higher Education Contribution Scheme) system. Bob obviously had made some serious budget cuts to his PR department because somehow they didn’t realise that this name was going to be the fodder for countless hilarious puns over the years involving ‘HECS’ and ‘hex’. The HECS system meant students had to pay for uni, but that their payments could be deferred until the student had finished their degree and got a job. When John Howard was elected, he increased HECS fees significantly. Many remain angry about the whole HECS system.
They believe a university education should be completely free, because education is ‘a right, not a privilege’. In fact, these exact words appear on the NUS (National Union of Students) website. Yet others may argue that it is fair to expect students to contribute something – after all, their uni degree is going to make them money (in most cases), so why should they get it for free? Still, even if you accept this argument, you might still argue that HECS debt shouldn’t be so much. It means graduates begin their working life with a massive debt hanging over their heads – and that’s before they even try and buy a house or anything. At any rate, Howard further reformed the HECS system in 2005 and 2006. These changes included a change of name to “Higher Education Loan Programme” which spells the suspiciously friendly acronym “HELP”. Purely coincidental, I’m sure.
Overseas student integration
This is perhaps not as prominent an issue as VSU and HECS and so forth, but nevertheless an interesting one. Last year, the Australian Universities Quality Agency (no, I’ve got no idea what this is either) condemned Adelaide Uni for what it saw as the wide divide between international and domestic students at the uni. The AUQA says that the uni is in danger of becoming a place where we simply “[import] students into little ghettos of students from their own country” rather than allow them to experience Australian culture (whatever that may be). ViceChancellor James McWha delivered this somewhat amusing but sadly accurate line in regard to the issue: “(Often) local students will only engage in events where alcohol is involved and some of the international (student) groups won’t involve themselves with that.” However, some critics point out that one part of the problem may be due to Adelaide’s lax English language entry standards. This means that many international students enrol here without an adequate command of
English which would, of course, limit the possibilities for interaction with domestic students. Of course, we shouldn’t simply get angry at the uni over this issue. This problem needs to be overcome not just by the uni but also by us students, both international and domestic.
Lack of bread rolls at the Mayo Café
Back in the good old days (read 2007), the Mayo Café used to sell great bread rolls for next to nothing which you could then butter and spread yourself. It was bliss. However, since the National Wine Centre took over management in 2008, the bread rolls, along with most of the rest of the menu, have disappeared. Now if you want a meal, you have to settle with the blandest burgers known to humanity or a $7 baguette. Bring back the $1.50 rolls! And bring back Union management of Mayo Café!
Student politics
All uni students are always angry about student politics. The majority of students are angry about student politicians’ irritating habit of existing and the subsequent fact that this means they are subjected to a full five days of pestering for votes throughout election week. Those who actually pay some attention to student politics are invariably angry about whatever the latest scandal happens to be; politicians awarding themselves outrageous ‘honoraria’, finding loopholes in the constitution, subverting the democratic process, or, memorably, setting fire to one of those poster pillars around the Barr Smith lawns. As can be seen, if someone brings up student politics in conversation, simply shaking your head and glaring at noone in particular is the best reaction in order to fit in.
Lack of Adelaide Uni secret society
For me, this is one of my greatest gripes about Adelaide Uni. Everyone’s heard about the bizarre American ‘fraternities’ and ‘sororities’ and other uni-based secret societies, the best known being ‘Skull and Bones’ at Yale University. The basic idea is that the society must be exclusive and have hilariously juvenile rituals. For instance, all clocks in the Skull and Bones headquarters are set several minutes ahead of the actual time, to symbolise the society’s general superiority to everyone else. Such rituals must be taken unbelievably seriously. Also, the society must not be too secret. Everyone should know about the society – otherwise there’s no point being in it. What is kept secret is the exact nature of the society’s rituals and the fact that the society actually has no useful purpose other than giving all members an intriguing mystique. So, to any aspiring egoists out there, please start a secret society!
Student apathy
Although being apathetic and cynical is kind of fun, it really doesn’t need to be encouraged. You have no doubt heard rants about how unis used to be wonderful places where the youth of the world spent the best days of their lives socialising, arguing, demonstrating, debating, playing sport and partying. Now, however, the standard rant continues, unis are becoming ‘degree factories’. However hackneyed this rant may be, the facts do tend to back it up. Luckily, at Adelaide Uni there is still some ‘campus life’ left. Make it last by actually turning up to uni – maybe even staying on after your lectures to have a drink at the Unibar. Join clubs, read On Dit, know about uni issues (you’ve made a good start) and don’t laugh at student politicians too hard – some of them occasionally do something good. (** Eds - there is a secret society - full of pagan celebrations of dumplings, performing voodoo against ‘The Smellies” (AKA: student politicians) , and proofreading. If you wish to join, email ondit@adelaide.edu.au)
Know Your Desalination Plant
jarrod fitch
FACT OR FICTION?
How do you really know about the water crisis?
1) The proposed desalination plant is based upon reverse osmosis technology. 2) The proposed desalination plant is environmentally neutral. 3) An intake conduit approximately 1 to 1.5 kilometers long will draw raw seawater into the facility. 4) On average, for every 100 litres of seawater processed, approximately 60 to 65 litres of drinking water is produced. 5) Following processing and removal of fresh water, a saline concentrate is returned to the sea via a separate outfall conduit, which will be approximately 10 to 12.5 kilometres long. 6) The proposed desalinisation plant uses a magic energy source that can actually cure old age.
Local issues
Fresh Blood Jarrod Fitch
Firstly, I’d like to extend a gra-
cious handshake or similar such gesture to you, the first year University of Adelaide student. I recall my first year of study at this, the 106th ranked university on Earth (Times 2008) reasonably well. It was 2008 and I was editing my politics essay while consuming a meat-ball Subway sandwich on the sidewalk bench outside the university grounds; now, at the beginning of my second year, I am a sub-editor discussing local politics inside On Dit! Quite the rags to riches story. Imagine what you could accomplish at the University of Adelaide. Enroll now, or call for a no-obligation quote. In any event, you’ve found the right section, in the right artifact, for the low-down on Adelaide’s premier scandals, heralds and mudslings. Undoubtedly too, it is ever a time of particular instability, for, for those of whom embark upon their higher education journey at the time of this printing, will by the end of their degree, shower therewith at least one quarter of desalinised water (two parts Murray, one part reservoir). South Australians will also still be presumably making the commute to West Lakes for a trip to the footy game, instead of say, a luxurious walk to the centrally located, multi-functional city stadium (the concept apparently exists in other cities). Of course, we will be reading about it all in our one, glorious, conservative tabloid newspaper.
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t any rate, what is the real deal with local Adelaide issues, would you say, generally considering young peoples’ attitudes towards ‘standard of living’ and ‘entertainment’? Well, it seems as though that the concerns that affect young Adelaide persons and young westerners alike, above the provisions that
accompany general high standards of living, like employment, food, water, housing, healthcare etc., is seemingly an almost constant pursuit of excitement, generally, at least apparently a desire to ‘blow off steam’ while under stress, or study, or both, or neither. Sports, music, alcohol, smoking, internet, intercourse, nightclubs, horseplay, kissing, flirting, crying, family, torrents, TV, sport, showering, eating, gardening tomorrow and then back to work. It seems as though, though, that the very necessities that afford a reasonable standard of living are themselves under jeopardy (id est: diminishing: water, employment, housing, healthcare, environment, roads etc.). The youth of today, though, are a resilient lot. They have, after all, endured Bush II’s dark comedy of an administration for most of their formative years (obligatory Bush caning).
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onetheless, what can we expect in ‘Local Issues’ this year, would you say? Well, there will be intriguing, investigative interviews with certain notorious native pollies and other notable movers and/or shakers etc. You can be assured of some scathing, in-depth, quantitative and explosive exposés, to probe inside of some of Adelaide’s spikiest Local Issues, with a few success stories and general introspection, sure, for good measure. Whether it’s student issues or local Adelaide issues, watch this space. Have an issue that you’d like our humungous readership to reflect upon? Drop me a line at jarrod.fitch@student.adelaide.edu.au.
Answers: 1) Fact, 2) Fiction (‘carbon’ neutral), 3) Fact, 4) Fiction (40 to 45 litres), 5) Fiction 2 to 2.5 km, 6) Fact
Exchanges
Local issues
Reeling in the Dough: Myriam Robin
Lia Svilans
So, a new year has just begun. It may be
Justification for the Fee Change
your first year at university and it may be your last. It is also possible that you have, are or will consider an exchange. From someone currently on exchange with the University of Adelaide and from other Adelaidians who have had their own exchange experiences, here are some words of wisdom that you won’t find in a brochure, exchange guide or university booklet.
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What advice can we give you? What advice
do you want? Basically, it will be fine. Think of the worst thing that can happen to you, what is it?
1. Well, you could die. Yes, you could die if you stay at home too. 2. You could have no friends. Not going to
happen, there will be so many students in the same position as you, the universities that Adelaide Uni has partner agreements with are all incredibly international universities. There will be a hundred students in you situation, all nervous and shy and concerned about what they have got themselves into. You will make friends.
3. You won’t understand anything. Sure, this could happen, particularly if you are in a country with a foreign language, but think about it. Do you understand everything in every lecture at home? Do you understand everything that everyone says to you? Of course you don’t but at home you don’t worry about it because you understand the language as much as you will ever understand a language. You will understand enough, and if you don’t, it’s not such a big deal. There will be other students who can help you out or you will fail. If you fail you will only add a few more units to be completed when you get home and you will have learnt so much that is not academic but is absolutely priceless. 4. You could run out of money. Sure, but you could also find a job, or some amazingly wealthy benefactor/lover who will support you, or you could sell your possessions. You will find a way.
Fees for International Students Rise in 2009
In December of 2008, the University of Adelaide announced that the base international student fees for 2009 would increase, in some cases by up to 30%.
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’m in Paris, at Sciences Po, a university of political sciences in the centre of the artistic and intellectual left bank of the Seine. At Sciences Po everything will make you angry but that is just French bureaucracy, that and the fact that no one can do enough exercise to burn the calories that a French diet involves. The upside is that after being here nothing will ever feel quite so difficult again, and nothing will ever make me quite so angry.
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y brother completed an exchange a year ago in The Hague, in the Netherlands. The courses were not what he thought and, academically, he didn’t get as much out of it as he expected and hoped. Nevertheless, he travelled a great deal, spent a lot of time in Amsterdam, participated in a violent environmental protest in Berlin and broke into the Colosseum in Rome, stealing a priceless piece of ancient rock.
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nother friend completed an exchange in Heidelberg in Germany. She later joined an international organization encouraging and enabling exchanges around the world. She has since travelled to pretty much every country in Europe and participated in international conferences and drink fests.
The essential thing is that going on exchange is a bit like starting uni. You won’t really know what’s going on, you won’t know many, if any, other people, everything will be a new experience and a new opportunity. Like starting uni there will be good things and bad things. Why is it better than just travelling? Because of the people you meet. You will form friendships and bonds with people from all around the world, you will be able to visit them later and mooch off of them into your middle age. Your mind will also be stretched and expanded in yogic poses that will ultimately leave you more open, more flexible and more easy-going about everything.
rior to 2009, the University of Adelaide had the lowest fees of the G8 (research universities, Australia’s equivalent of the prestigious American ‘ivy league’). As such, the fee increase is touted as bringing Adelaide into line with its competitors. Fee increases per year of study will increase for commencing students, from the 3-8% paid by students who enrolled prior to 2009 to 5-9% per year. All undergraduate degrees offered to international students from 2009 in Adelaide will range from $19,000 to $23,000 annually. Undergraduate international fees at ANU (the highest ranked university in Australia, all rankings used being the SJHT academic ranking) range from $20,400 to $22,800 annually (with the exception of the Bachelor of Medicine and Surgery, which costs $40,800). The University of Western Australia (ranked just above Adelaide) has most courses costing around $19,000 to $22,000 a year, again with the exception of Dentistry and Medicine. As such, it is clear that the latest fee increases bring Adelaide into line with, or slightly above, the other G8 universities. However, given that Adelaide is ranked the lowest of the G8 universities (on all but the THES-QS ranking), our cheaper cost was one of the points in our favour when we competed with the other members of the G8 (the others being Adelaide’s reputation as a safe city, and the fact that our English entrance scores are the lowest in the G8). The price difference, which took university rankings into account, is now largely gone. AUU President Lavinia Emmett-Grey is puzzled by the price change, saying that ‘the University of Adelaide seems to have a peculiar logic that increasing prices will improve their ranking.’ Enrolments for commencing international students show no discernable fall in demand. A Showdown Averted
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n early December 2008, information regarding the 30% fee increase in international student fees was circulated among international students. Outcry quickly followed. Of particular concern was the understanding that this increase in fees would apply to continuing students as well as commencing students. Needless to say, continuing students would be forced to pay the higher fees or drop out, while commencing students are able to weigh up the costs at different universities prior to starting their degree.
The university responded quickly to the criticism. Within days,
Judy Szekeres (General Manager, Student Services) sent an email to international students in which she stated that the fees quoted in the 2009 prospectus, which everyone was so worried about, would only apply to commencing students. The misunderstanding cleared up, international students were able to enjoy the festive season with one less worry on their mind.
The Life of an International at Adelaide
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nternational students made up 27% of University of Adelaide students in 2007. 50% of these students are from Chinese origin. The university is aiming to increase its international student ratio to 30% by 2012. Given the rapid rate of increase for the 2005-2007 periods, and the lack of a slackening in enrolments following the fee rise, this aim is likely to be reached. The Australian Universities Quality Agency (AUQA) identified several issues faced by international students, highest among these the ‘different worlds’ inhabited by internationals and locals, employment difficulties, and the inadequacy of help with English. These difficulties have been recognized by student politicians: in last years AUU Board elections several candidates, as well as an entire ticket (‘Passion’), run on platforms which acknowledged the added difficulties of being an international student at Adelaide. Needless to say, there is often a temptation to view international students as little more than revenueboosters for universities. This view is often reinforced by the social barriers, chosen or otherwise, that often exist between international students and the locals. Financial difficulties are prominent among concerns expressed by international students. Often their fees are paid for by parents back home, but their day to day living expenses must be covered by their taking part-time work. SRC President Paris Dean often discusses this issue with internationals. ‘International students have told me that because of visa restrictions on employment many turn to jobs paying less than a third of the minimum wage to supplement their income, just to pay rent and other bills,’ he says.
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nternational students are allowed to work up to 20 hours a week. Prior to June 2008, they had to lodge an application to the government to allow them to work, paying a $60 charge. This is no longer the case: midway through 2008, the visa restrictions requiring international students to work were changed, with internationals applying after this date being automatically granted the right to work up to 20 hours during semester time with their visa grant. Nonetheless, the limit on work hours often leads to difficulties in acquiring adequate accommodation and other essentials. As such, it is of little surprise that the internationals were adamant to ensure that increase must not apply to continuing students, with the Overseas Students Association (OSA), in conjunction with the Students Representative Council (SRC) and the Chinese Students Association, quickly stepping in to try and lobby against the perceived University policy. Thankfully there was no need, with continuing student fees remaining as outlined on their university offer letters.
Hello reader, your caring sharing music eds here, just thought we should make ourselves known so you can make an informed decision as to why our opinions have no validity. Hopefully not though, we all love our music, it takes up most of our lives in some form or another. It offers an ear when we’re sad, a beat to dance to when we’re happy, and a special comfort on those long cold nights… Anyway, we aren’t as scary as we look, so if you see us round at gigs come and say hi. Here we are in all our photogenic glory:
Getting to Know You... with Music ‘09
As you can tell from Andrew Auld’s photo, he has some rather amazing sunglasses. When not keeping up his stamina for the Profile Pic Olympics, he works in a CD store, and reaps the benefits of the hearty staff discounts involved. In his spare time, he quotes endless anecdotes on the highs and lows of music history and listens to Girl Talk on repeat, trying to identify each individual (unlicensed) sample. His Wolverine like hair is a big hit with the ladies.
After graduating from Pinapple College, James Swanborough sought enlightenment Zen Buddhism before deciding his problems were derived not from lack of spiritual wellbeing, but from pineapple toxicity. James can usually be found in the darkest corners of bars trying to hide the embarrassing jaundice like condition caused by his pineapple addiction. We are all very worried for him and hope he sees the year out ok- Hang in there little buddy!
The Death of an Album? The way we listen to music is constantly being redefined by technology. Since the dawn of the digital age, these changes have been taking place at more and more rapid intervals. Musicians with the available resources are subverting traditional industry channels to self-release music in whatever format they see fit. Early instigators such as Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails, while challenging the business mould of the current industry model, have still released traditional albums. Recently, however, Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins, who released one of the first free internet releases with ‘MACHINA II’ back in September 2000, made mention that the band would no longer be making albums, but simply recording groups of songs which would receive staggered release before later maybe being compiled into a larger bundle and packaged together on CD, citing the iPod generation’s tendency to merely reassign their favourite tracks to playlists rather than listen to an entire record and the necessity for a more consistent band-fan relationship as major instigators for the decision. Is this something that could become a wider trend? Is the structured album format too stagnant for the hyperactive youth used to instant gratification via broadband internet?
Courtney Day is the smart one; she’s doing honours in musicology and she’s not afraid to say so. Whenever the guys get out of line, Courtney unleashes her mean culinary skills to keep them in check. Don’t let her within several feet of a wok when she’s in a bad mood or you’ll be sorry… you don’t even want to know. Courtney is fluent in over 200 instruments including duck whistle and conch shell. She once studied in Steve Reich’s school of hand-clapping, but dropped out when her tempo deviations caused Reich to experience something akin to the auditory equivalent of an epileptic fit.
Recorded music began as a way of capturing live performances and archiving songs that had been handed down through communities. In the 1960s, the recorded format transitioned from collections of songs compiled together in a playlist of sorts to fully fledged conceptual works in which each song told a piece of a larger story, with the whole being greater that the sum of its parts. Albums like ‘Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band’ helped to create a consummate art form distinct from the live performance (in fact at the time it was not technologically possible to replicate the sound achieved on that album in the live arena). To dismiss this higher conceptual form of work seems counterintuitive, but is it simply a necessity of a constantly evolving relationship with music? The way music is presented has always been dependent upon social circumstance and technological capability. At the time the album art form was popularised, several new technological advances allowed for the change to take place. Vinyl records had undergone a dramatic increase in capacity in 1948 as the 78rpm record, which only held 3 minutes per side, gave way to the now standard 33⅓rpm, with a total capacity of 45 minutes. Initially this move mean that artists could record even their longest songs, and many stage productions and operas were pressed in the early years of 33’s, but eventually artists saw this format as an opportunity to create a greater creative expression. Later, with the development of CDs, albums became longer and had more emphasis
on being one complete work as opposed to containing the distinct starting points found on many albums of the vinyl era. If we look at the introduction of this format as largely dependent on technological circumstance, we can begin to see the larger picture. Music is a fluid form of self-expression, not one that should be constrained by technological capacity. From the days of campfire songs, it has been a force for drawing people together in a community, a universal force beyond the boundaries of language. So is it such a wonder that artists today are starting to thrive for a more constant dialogue with their listeners? The internet has allowed not only for more ready availability of information such as information, but provided a method of direct unmediated connection between fan and musician and allowed the growth of large communities not confined to geographical closeness. Recently, Alternative Country troubadour Ryan Adams began a blog on Tumblr.com in which he was able to post demo versions of songs and rough video footage direct to his die-hard support base along with reposting entries of the fans themselves, creating a true community. Speaking as a music fan, I know that most serious listeners are not going to dismiss the album as broken model for the time being, it allows songs to become much more than they could ever be as stand alone pieces, but perhaps it is time to broaden the horizons of what is possible with the new technology available. In a bid to combat the flailing record sales of recent years, record labels are throwing their weight behind the new ‘slotMusic’ format, which is essentially an album on a SD card, but with the added bonus of interactive content which will continually update itself, allowing users access to exclusive content. This clever marketing scheme is the closest thing the record industry has come up with to a sensible solution to save their hides. Rather than releasing an album all at once, it would be possible for artists to use this format to construct a storyline such as Trent Reznor embarked on in the lead up to Nine Inch Nails’ 2007 release ‘Year Zero’, which combined viral promotional material at concerts and hidden websites to draw fans into a timeline of the collapse of the free world and slowly traced back to the present day shortly before the album was released. Artists could then progressively release songs in a timeline along with supplementary material which would allow greater immersion into the world of their work. This would allow for a more constant communication between fans and listeners, providing a more accessible and involving medium for our hyperactive generation without sacrificing any of the creative dexterity of the album. Whatever form it might take, the possible new ways of musical transmission are expanding exponentially. J. Swanborough
rhythmic language. Although the NMC participants did not present the piece as convincingly as it could have been done, this is understandable given their one-week rehearsal schedule. As 21st-century orchestral repertoire such as this requires a deep appreciation of the aesthetic objectives of each unique piece, such an undertaking was probably a little optimistic given the timeframe.
“Training Tomorrow’s Greats...?” The Australian Youth Orchestra’s National Music Camp Earlier this year, The Elder Conservatorium of Music, in association with the University of Adelaide, hosted the Australian Youth Orchestra’s annual National Music Camp. From January 4-17, more than 200 young musicians between the ages of 14 and 22 took part in one of the most intensive orchestra training programs in the country. The participants were divided into three separate ensembles: The Richard Mills Chamber Orchestra, named after the notable Australian composer; Alexander and Bishop Orchestras, dedicated to Ruth Alexander and Professor John Bishop, who founded the first National Music Camp in 1948. This year, Irish violinist Fionnuala Hunt directed the Chamber Orchestra, while the Symphony Orchestras worked with the renowned conductors Britishborn James Judd and Frenchman François-Xavier Roth. Over the course of the two-week program, these ensembles presented four orchestral concerts - an afternoon and evening concert
on each Saturday of the camp’s duration - each concert program thus receiving only one week of rehearsals. In addition, percussion and brass players presented ‘endangered ensemble’ concerts, staged for the purpose of showcasing those instrumental families whose popularity is diminished beneath the shadow of the ever-popular stringed instruments. I attended the 4pm orchestral concert on the final day of the 2009 National Music Camp. The program consisted of Dag Wirén’s Serenade for String Orchestra, Thomas Adès’ ...but all shall be well and Stravinsky’s Petrushka. In my opinion, the repertoire was far too demanding to be mastered in one week of rehearsals. In particular, Stravinsky’s ballet work Petrushka suffered due to a clear lack of musical direction: polyrhythms were not in sync, and were therefore ineffective; subtle woodwind melodies were overpowered by a boisterous string section; percussion features were treated as solos rather than timbral
and rhythmic punctuation. The overly-dramatic, gestural playing of some of the musicians also took away from the music - imagine the focussed facial expression and awkward body movements of a virgin who’s trying a little too hard....Incidentally, I closed my eyes a few times, and the music immediately sounded far better! While Petrushka is a brilliant work, deserving of its place within the standard 21st century orchestral repertory, it’s great to see a conductor who is introducing new music to the Youth Orchestra circuit: James Judd’s enthusiasm regarding contemporary British composer Thomas Adès’ ...but all shall be well was refreshing, and it is people like him who will undoubtedly safeguard the future of 21st century ‘art music.’ …but all shall be well is an intriguing piece which focuses upon exploring the timbral possibilities and instrumental combinations available in the Symphony Orchestra ensemble, coupled with an angular, ‘collage’ approach toward form, and motivic and
Still, the question begs to be asked: why hold a music camp for pubescent teenagers and 20-somethings? The mere title of ‘camp’ encourages notions of late nights, partying and harmless rebellion; probably not the image that the Australian Youth Orchestra is really seeking to promote. Of course, I’m not debating the quality of the program: the exceptional skill and dedication of the participating musicians, conductors and tutors were clearly displayed in the concerts. Projects such as are indispensable as they this succeed in encouraging budding musicians to continue the art of professional orchestral playing by making it ‘fun.’ Aside from the actual music training (including exposure to standard orchestral repertoire and orchestral playing etiquette) networking is indeed a major incentive. However, I can’t help thinking that the NMC’s major selling-point for funding must rely heavily upon the prevailing Western infatuation with child prodigies. Many people regard prodigies as those who are more skilled (in whichever discipline they are involved) than others of their own age. My opinion regarding prodigies however, is that they are only worthy of that title if their skill surpasses that of their adult, professional counterparts. From this viewpoint, I found that the National Music Camp concert, while excellent quality considering the average age of its musicians, did not rival any professional orchestra’s interpretation of the same repertoire. Courtney Day
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds Thebarton Theatre Wednesday January 14 Nick Cave is a strange commodity in Australian music. He is recognised as a national treasure by those who know him, yet is somehow too abrasive to be as universally regarded as a Bob Dylan or Bruce Springsteen, destined to float in Tom Waitsesque reverence by his devotees. But now off the back of Aria Hall of Fame recognition and the searing new album Dig!!! Lazarus, Dig!!!, all in attendance at thebby knew what they were there for. From the opening bars of Hold on to Yourself the band was totally captivating “I’m so far away from you” Cave croons, “I’m pacing up and down my room, does Jesus only love a man who loses?” Straying into the psychic wasteland of modern America, the tales of isolation and dread pulsate from Cave’s acerbic tongue, Warren Ellis’s manically distorted armoury of electric mandolin, guitar and violin and the enormous bass-heavy rhythms created by duel drummers Jim Sclavunos and Thomas Wylder. The swampy biblebelt apocalypse that is Tupelo provides a definite early highlight, but it is the new songs that really go off tonight, sounding vital and malleable. Ellis mashes his pedal board in the breakdown of We Call Upon the Author and the whole ambience of the room shifts from Cave’s neurotic lyrical blitzkrieg to some kind of strange dance club where you’d expect the backwards talking midget from Twin Peaks to spend his spare time. It must be said that the Bad Seeds rock out harder than most bands of half their age (as dully displayed by Cave’s rampant air kicks, and dressed in a suit no less!). Elsewhere, old favourites Red Right Hand, The Mercy Seat and Deanna get the crowd moving and shaking while Ship Song and encore opener Straight to You bring a more subdued attentiveness to the room before the final assault of Get Ready for Love, Hard on for Love and the swaggering sex of Stagger Lee round out the night. No one went home disappointed on this Wednesday night in quiet old Adelaide, and it’s sad to think, one of the highlights of the year gone, and it’s not halfway through January. J. Swanborough
John Frusciante The Empyrean In the leadup to the release of his 10th solo album, John Frusciante described ‘The Empyrean’ as “a story that has no action in the physical world. It all takes place in one persons mind throughout his life.” While musically not a great departure from his previous solo albums, ‘The Empyrean’ is the most coherent work he’s produced since ‘Shadows Collide With People’ in 2004. Where the 6 records in 6 months each focused on an aspect of his musical interests, he here boils them down into a firm amalgam, his own brand of vintage pyschedelica updated for the present. The title is the name used by Dante for the highest point in heaven, where God and the angels reside, and conceptually Frusciante is at his finest, continuing the themes of duality, death and rebirth that run throughout much of his output. The central focus of the album is the struggle to create something from nothing. The opener ‘Before the Beginning’, starts with a single note which gives way to a beat reverberating through the sonic landscape and doubling back upon itself, eventually painting a vista for the guitar solo which becomes the focus of the song, epic yet restrained in its form, exploring texture and emotion rather than being needlessly showy. While This Mortal Coil’s version of ‘Song of the Siren’ will remain definitive, Frusciante reconstitutes the classic Tim Buckley song seamlessly into his own vision. His knack for putting simple truths to music is more acute than ever, and while some of his wordplay seems blunt on the surface, there is beauty in its lack of pretence.
If there’s one feature that underlines Frusciante’s work, it’s the willingness to not hold anything back; his impassioned vocals hold nothing in reserve. Those familiar with his prior solo work will know not to expect easily digestible RHCP style hits, but ‘Unreachable’ is undeniably catchy, as is the extended outro of ‘Central’ which features additional guitar work from The Smiths’ Johnny Marr. This being said, ‘The Empyrean’ is probably not the most accessible start point for those looking to enter Frusciante’s world (you would be best served to get ‘Shadows’ first) but for those already initiated, this could prove to be his defining work, each part of the production and arrangement working effortlessly towards creating his inspired vision. J. Swanborough Animal Collective Merriweather Post Pavilion Animal Collective’s near ten year long existence has been spent on the fringes of what constitutes ‘popular’ music. The four friends, who sometimes record their albums as a group of three or even as a pair, have never much minded this. Their early material was tinged with oft-abrasive sonic and textural experimentalism odd enough to preclude mainstream recognition. Merriweather Post Pavilion, their eighth album, won’t see the Baltimore natives become a top 40 act overnight, but it will instead stand as their most accessible work and perhaps their finest moment; the work of contented men. M.P.P. sounds like a culmination of the musical and lyrical progression that Animal Collective have made with each of their past releases; the songs are tighter and catchier,
and the lyrics carry newfound significance. This is an album that truly belongs to the group’s two singer-songwriters, Panda Bear and Avey Tare (Noah Lennox and Dave Portner). The two share a frankly amazing chemistry, with both their voices and styles blending perfectly – and each is responsible for album highlights. Tare’s best moments are cathartic album opener ‘In the Flowers’ and the pulsating ‘Summertime Clothes’ (featuring his most memorable chorus hook, the repeated cry of ‘I want to walk around with you’), whereas Panda Bear’s are second track ‘My Girls’, where he sings about wanting nothing other than security for his wife and daughter (‘I just want four walls and Adobe slats for my girls’) and dazzling album closer ‘Brothersport’, which doubles as a plea to his brother to move on from the death of their father and a wonderful rave song (‘Open up your, open up your, open up your throat, man!’). With M.P.P., Panda Bear, Avey Tare and Geologist (Brian Weitz, the man responsible for the melodies on offer here) – Deakin (Josh Dibb) is the missing Animal – have crafted an earnest, joyous, irresistible album that reminds you at once of music that you’ve heard before and nothing else. Others will make the ‘album of 2009/the 2000’s’ claims, but what is not in doubt here is that M.P.P. represents a triumphant refinement of Animal Collective’s unmistakable sound. What we have here is a sonic adventure worthy of the storm of hype it has created; a free-form sonic journey that prods, grabs, and enraptures. One that I’ll listen to again and again. Mateo Szlapek-Sewillo ( P.S you can’t see it, but this album cover makes your eyes trip balls! - Vincent, ed.)
The BPA I Think We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Boat The Brighton Port Authority, or The BPA, is the new project from Norman Cook (Fatboy Slim). Supposedly dug up from some lost recording session in the 70s, and found in a dockside warehouse in Brighton in 2007, this is actually a collection of upbeat indie rock gems featuring the likes of Iggy Pop, Jamie T, Martha Wainwright, David Byrne and many more. Cook cleverly composes this virtual mixtape, pulling from various movements that have informed the current brand of indie, recycling each in his own unique blend of guitar and bass loops providing a kind of alternate version of how indie may have turned out. Iggy Pop turns out a sterling performance on opener ‘He’s Frank (Slight Return)’ and ‘Dirty Sheets’ sounds like Cook has been paying attention to the first Gorillaz albums funkier moments. ‘Island’ featuring Justin Robertson is one of the highlights, recycling Lou Reed’s ‘Walk on the Wild Side’ and David Bowie’s ‘Heroes’ into a modern English lament. Not all of the compositions hit their mark, Jamie T’s contribution falls flat on melody and interest when it should soar by all accord, but Emmy the Great’s sweet vocals in Seattle quickly put the album back on track. Martha Wainwright puts on her best dub diva voice in what XTC might have sounded like with female vocals. Dizzee Rascal lays down some infectious raps in what proves to be a strangely effective collaboration with David Byrne on first single ‘Toe Jam’ (if you haven’t seen the excellent video yet then check it out on youtube). The album is rounded out with a cover of Nick Lowe’s ‘So It Goes’, so I guess that must date its origin sometime after 1976? Ultimately, there is nothing here as compelling as Cook’s catchiest Fatboy Slim output, but ‘I Think We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat’ is all in all a mostly consistently danceable indie mixtape that will keep the trendy nightspots alight this summer. J. Swanborough
Music on Campus The University of Adelaide has a vibrant on-campus music culture and a number of music-specific venues including Elder Hall, the Uni Bar and Scott Theatre. Listed below are a few of the upcoming music events to be held at Elder Hall (located on North Terrace, between the Art Gallery and Bonython Hall): 1. Recitals Australia Roger Woodward. J.S. Bach: Well-tempered Clavier, Book One. Thursday May 28, 8pm. Roger Woodward. Shostakovich: 24 Preludes and Fugues. Saturday May 30, 6:30pm. Leslie Howard. Solo piano repertoire by Beethoven, Liszt, Borodin and Glazunov. Sunday July 5, 2:30pm. Dean Emmerson Dean. Presenting works for clarinet, viola and piano. Saturday September 5, 6:30pm. For more information visit www.recitalsaustralia.org.au or email info@recitalsaustralia.org.au. 2. Elder Lunch Hour Series. Presented by the Elder Conservatorium of Music, this popular concert series features some of the finest local, national and international musicians. Held from 1:10-2pm on most Friday afternoons during the University year. In 2008, the admittance fee was a mere $6!
3. Elder Evening Concert Series. These concerts showcase the Elder Conservatorium Symphony Orchestra, and often feature selected soloists chosen from the students of the University’s music performance courses. Scott Theatre is situated on the ground floor of the Shultz Building, off Kintore Avenue. Scott Theatre is one of Adelaide’s premier public theatre venues, and last year hosted a sold-out season of the Gilbert and Sullivan Society’s production of Les Miserables, and was the venue chosen to stage the premiere of Andrew Bovell’s play When the Rain Stops Falling, a feature of the 2008 Adelaide Bank Festival of the Arts. The Uni Bar is on the top floor of the Union Building. In 2004, the Adelaide University’s on-campus bar won the ‘Jack Award,’ sponsored by Jack Daniels, for Best Live Venue in South Australia. Information about upcoming gigs can be found at www. adelaide.edu.au/unibar/gigs/, and on Facebook. The Uni Bar has received international acts such as From Autumn to Ashes, Matchbook Romance and Straylight Run, interstate groups such as Gyroscope, Kisschasy and After the Fall, and local acts including Quiet Child and Brother Sister. *Sydney outfit The Sunpilots will be playing at the Uni Bar on Friday March 6.*
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Dignity Is The New Black Lara Francis
O
’week is upon us once again. There are the clubs you can join, tours you can take but - let’s be honest - underlying all these activities is the ever-present lure of the uni bar, college parties and the fact that you’ve finally finished high school and if you’re lucky enough, you’ve also moved away from the watchful eye of your parents. As South Park’s immortal Chef says, “there’s a time and place for everything, and that time is college.” There is no doubt that if you’re going to try it, it’ll be tried during O’week celebrations. It is important to know, then, that there’s a new fashion trend threatening to sweep universities and bars across the nation this O’week. It isn’t turquoise jewellery as Vogue and Diva may have you believe, or even blonde steaks for that perfect summer do. It’s retro and bound to draw attention and admiration from onlookers. Best of all, it’s free. It’s that old fashioned sense of dignity, forgotten by many an O’week goer in years gone by. Dignity is the new black. Sure it doesn’t have the endorsement of major brands just yet with low rise jeans still plaguing the campus, along with fluorescent trackpants and people (often the same people) who somehow think it is okay to wear moccasins to uni. But it is starting to catch on with celebrities. Just look at the recent Britney dignity make over from shameless, drunken vagina-flashing harlot to demure and humble mother. Even Nicole Ritchie has jumped on board, separating herself from gal-pal Paris and deciding to cover up and (finally) eat. Everyone has to agree, the latter for both is far more attractive and alluring. There are, however, some trailblazing stars that have been carrying the must-have dignity accessory for years such as Cate Blanchett, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Goerge Clooney and Colin Firth. Looking at these people, it’s easy to see why they’re so desirable. It doesn’t matter what or who they’re wearing they always carry themselves with dignity,
and they’re generally acknowledged as being what we, as mere mortals, should aspire to be. Like them or loathe them, dignity is their X-factor, it’s what separates them from those peroxide-blonde lycra-wearing fakes whose fame can only last as long as their botox. Dignity is timeless. So, for this O’week, forget brand names and ‘it’ girls and boys and take a long hard look at yourself. How are you going to maintain your dignity during the debauchery of O’week this year? Yes, I can hear my opposition already: O’week isn’t just about debauchery! But, as uni students, we don’t really need an excuse to get drunk and disorderly, so an entire week of planned drinking related activities will potentially result in a loss of dignity on some level for all of us. During O’week it can seem that your outfit isn’t complete without a drink in hand and later on a trip to Perth (that horrible sound made while the contents of a stomach are emptied into the gutter). It’s your ticket into student life. It’s how most of us make friends and - I shudder to say - pick up. But trust me, chipping away at your dignity is, in no way shape or form, becoming for potential friends and suitors. I can guarantee it will only ensure at least one of these things: 1. You’ll become the three o’clock fall back for horny desperates who probably share your need for breath mints or are too blind to smell you. 2. You’ll become the entertainment for your ‘friends’ and provide hours of laughter and gossip at your expense. 3. You’ll become a social pariah – a loose (pun intended) cannon everyone doesn’t mind seeing, but no one wants to be seen with. Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t drink. After all, you deserve a good party. But there is a way to have fun, make real friends and still be proud what (or who) you did last night. Sure, you won’t have people chanting your name in the bar, but you also won’t wake up the next day in unfamiliar surrounds with texta on your face, or with an unfortunate itch that wasn’t there yesterday.
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here are so many fashion risks to getting absolutely sloshed. We’ve all seen the pictures of celebs splashed all over those magazines we abhor but all secretly read - their dignity long gone. We all laugh and gossip about the most recent Winehouse or Lohan debacle, be it a drunken cat fight or sex tape. None of us, I’m sure, find any of them remotely attractive in their drunken state. But what is it that seems to prevent us from joining the dots to our own behaviour? Can we not take it upon ourselves as young professionals to learn from their mistakes and keep our dignity (and genitals) in tact?
A
From a fashion point of view it’s actually quite easy to maintain your dignity. Just think ahead:
s tempting as it may be to put on that sexy little skirt tonight, think. Sketiquette (Skirt Etiquette) is hard enough at the best of times. If you’re planning a big night, keeping your dignity in tact could just mean wearing pants so that the inevitable tumble you’ll take in the wee hours will be censored for onlookers. At the very least ditch the g-string for briefs.
Wear a bra. I don’t care how hot
1.
4. A
nd for those of you with bladder control issues, make sure you go to the toilet before you go to bed, even if you think you don’t need to. Urinating in your sleep is not sexy in anyone’s books and it sure is hard to parade your dignity at the next party when you’re shelling out for a new mattress for last night’s date.
2.
5.
you think your assets are au naturale, a bra is a must have for drunken behaviour. It will stop any Tara Reid wardrobe malfunctions and unwanted leering at your smartie-smuggling.
Put on your makeup BEFORE pre-drinks begin and
3.
So, chant away, drink your fill, and above all have as
much legal fun as humanly possible. But if you really want people to like you and most importantly if you want to like yourself, make a dignity game plan.
leave red lipstick and excess eye liner out of the equation. The natural look is good for a big night out, there is nothing attractive about smudged lips and eyes. Also try to resist re-applying your make-up while you’re out. Above all, waterproof mascara is your friend: it will keep some of your dignity in place when you have an alcohol induced breakdown at the end of the night.
Finally, without sounding like an old, patronising parent – know your limits. Space out
6.
your shots and try to have a few glasses of water somewhere during the night. Your skin will thank you tomorrow, as will your wallet. Those last two drinks could be the difference between you ending up on the most or least dignified list.
T
he choice is yours. Are the benefits of a short skirt or one more drink worth the time it’ll take to regain your dignity in the eyes of those you’ll be spending the rest of the year with?
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Elise lopez
Social Survival Guide
Study Survival Guide
Uni life offers a lot of opportunities to party and socialise, so here’s your guide on what to wear to the different kind of events that uni people hold.
If you’re finding study a drag, these little office beautie will brighten up your day... if you can afford them, of course.
What to Wear to Social Events
O-ball Style: Chic and classy What to wear: Cocktail style dresses are generally more comfortable, as they have a good length (usually just above or below the knee) and most are made of a light stretchy material. Accessories help customise your outfit so you stand out from the crowd. A cute clutch or cinch belt to match your dress can add a unique touch. Glitz it up with some sparkly jewellery! What NOT to wear: Jeans, obviously. Tips & tricks: Take some band-aids for the killer heels and if you’re buying new ones for the event, make sure you wear them a little around the house beforehand so you can get used to them and know where they cut in. If they’re uncomfortable you can get various types of innersoles that can help. Skullduggery and similar events Style: Sexy casual (like neat casual, but more interesting) What to wear: Skullduggery, keggers and other piss-up style events require more comfortable clothing that won’t reveal things you don’t want it to when you fall over on the long stumble home. Frills, bows and other detail add detail to an outfit and can draw attention to areas you want to flaunt without showing flesh. What NOT to wear: Anything that you will have to keep adjusting to keep it in place. By the end of the night you most likely will not have the thinking capacity to notice such things as bust lines on low-cut tops. Short skirts that have a habit of riding up may also escape your notice, so sensible lengths are a good idea if you must wear a skirt, but it would be smarter to go for jeans or shorts. Don’t wear anything you don’t want beer spilt on!
Tips & tricks: In events that are based around free drinks it’s a good idea to keep things in pockets, rather than in a bag that you’ll have to hold all night. You’ll be more comfortable when dancing and won’t risk losing it after you’ve had a few drinks. House parties Style: Casual and fun What to wear: If you wanna stand out at a house party without feeling overdressed, try wearing a unique piece of clothing and highlight it with accessories in a colour that flatters that particular piece of clothing, for example, you can show off a pair of sexy red heels by wearing black and white to make them stand out, but wearing a red scarf and painting your nails red to compliment the shoes. This will draw attention without making you look like you’re trying too hard. Jeans always work at house parties and will compliment a nice top without taking attention away from it. What NOT to wear: Very shiny clothes – save these for the clubs. Tips & tricks: If you have a pair of shoes that you can’t seem to break in, no matter how hard you try, a house party is probably your best opportunity to show them off. Unlike clubbing, house parties involve a lot more drinking than dancing and you can easily sit down when you need to. Clubbing Style: Chic and shiny What to wear: The trend seems to be all things shiny for hitting the clubs, just beware of looking tacky. Think classy when selecting your outfit to stand out in a good way. Flowy, feminine dresses are in at the moment and look so chic. There are also lots of gorgeous headbands out at the moment with flowers and diamantes that are great for dressing up clubbing outfits. What NOT to wear: Anything too revealing. This attracts the wrong kind of attention and the wrong kind of guys. Tips & tricks: Bored of the same make up? Be daring and try something new! There are some great false eyelashes available, or go for a deeper shade of lipstick than you’re used to. If you can afford it, get your make up professionally done or have a professional lesson by a Napoleon Perdis make up artist. Your make up will look great on the night and you’ll learn a lot about which colours suit your skin tone.
Office Bling
USB flash drives encrusted with Swarovski crystals are the cheapest on the list. These include casings such as heart-shaped necklaces and padlock-shaped key rings with the flash drive hidden inside. Beware of the price tag though, these flash drives can cost just over AU$300! - Obviously not made for a student budget. Computers have come along way since the atari era. Imagine a MacBook Air covered in gold and crystals. Well, imagine no longer... this is already available! Computer Choppers can make you a 24kt gold plated laptop with an Apple logo ensconced in multi-colored sapphires. This golden beauty comes with a polished gold SuperDrive. Don’t believe it? Go to www.computer-choppers.com to have a look and find out more. “What next” you say? Well I’m glad you asked. How about a gold printer to go with it? How about a 24kt gold HP Laserjet p2015 printer? This printer first appeared at a show in Dubai as a working prototype up for auction with a starting price of US$299.
Since the latest electronic trend appears to be all things Apple, why not get a 24kt gold Iphone and an Ipod Touch with a gold case covered in diamonds to go with your MacBook? Even Ipod Shuffles are getting the miner’s touch. If you prefer Blackberrys over Iphones, Computer Choppers does 24kt gold Blackberrys and other aluminium gadgets.
FASHION
From one pieces to bikinis to bandeaus to cut-outs to
kaftans, our choices in beach apparel are seemingly endless this summer, with designers’ crafting styles and cuts to suit just about every body type. The season is centred around glamour and indulgence, with vibrant olours, geometric prints and bling a heavy focus of this summer’s styles.
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Swimwear Fashion'09
For those of us who don’t feel as comfortable with the idea of squeezing into a string bikini in full view of public eye, this season’s revival of the one piece is making it all Kate Bird the easier to enjoy the beach without showing off quite as much skin. Fuller-cut swimsuits are coming back strongly this year, along with flirty cut-outs and monokinis – take a peek at Roxy’s new skirted cut-outs, Jennifer Hawkin’s line Cosi and the blinged out pieces by Rochford, Zimmerman and Brazillian luxury beach apparel gods, Cia. Maŕtima, below. Over-the-top glamour and excessive indulgence is a staple of current season swimwear, with designers’ retro creations modernising traditional styles while still accentuating curves to flatter. Along with the re-emergence of the one-piece and underwires, eye-popping colours; particularly jewel t o n e s ; bold patterns, sequins and metallic embellishments are coming through strongly in current lines. WHAT TO WEAR The task of narrowing down the right attire for your particular body type can feel daunting, but just a couple of basic ground rules help when pulling together your perfect beach outfit. The addition of ladies’ board shorts look super cute (and as an added bonus hide the sand-filled bikini bottoms riding up your butt), while bathers that are ruched or have any type of gathering around the middle minimize love handles and flatten the tummy. Swim suits and board shorts that are high cut to the thigh create the illusion of longer legs, and for those of us who are particularly top heavy, a pattern on the lower half of your swimsuit gives the appearance of wider hips and balances out the figure. For ladies with a triangle shape – that is, a small top and a bigger arse - a swimsuit with wide shoulder straps and the addition of a skirted bottom or a wrap-around sarong helps to streamline and lengthen your silhouette. One-pieces and bikini tops featuring lined cups and underwires have also made a huge comeback this season; teaming any underwired top with bright, bold colours and a halter neck majorly enhances the bust and helps to keep everything in place and prevent one of those beach wardrobe malfunctions we all fall victim to at one time or another. If you’re seeking something different to the standard Roxy/Billabong fare, online retailers such as babygirlboutique.com, swingdanceshop.com and (my personal holy grail) modcloth.com feature a fabulous range of gorgeous vintage and retro swimwear, including high-waisted bikini briefs, skirted bottoms, sneaky control panels, sexy halter necks and adorable vintage playsuits. The ‘Marilyn’ playsuit by Stop Staring! Clothing, available from babygirlboutique. com features a Swarovski crystal brooch, control panels at the waist and a contoured bust to maximise your curves.
Jolly Good Sport! Welcome to the On Dit Sports Page, new for 2009. Naturally, being a student paper, we want to have a focus on local and student sport as well as touching on the big national and international sporting issues of the day. If you organise or are part of a sports club at uni and you think your sport deserves to reach a wider audience in 2009 through On Dit, or if you would like to make sure your results are published then please get in touch with me at my student email address or anguschisholm@gmail.com. Finally, for all the new students – even the old ones – enjoying O-week, it goes without saying just how rewarding joining one of the sports clubs here can be, but I’m going to say it anyway. Apart from the obvious physical benefits it can be a great way to meet people with a mutual interest, no matter the skill level. Plus, the more clubs you join, the more pub crawls you have to choose from down the track. Also, with VSU being what it is, I’m sure a lot of them could use your support. Make sure you check out what’s on offer during O-week between drinks, it beats preliminary lectures.
Tour Down Under 2009 It’s hard to dismiss the increasing relevance that the Tour Down Under has been having over the past decade on this state’s sporting and cultural landscape. It’s arguably become one of the most important events of the year in Adelaide, certainly from a sporting point of view. It might not make up for losing the Grand Prix but certainly for many the European chic and sophistication associated with supporting competitive cycling is certainly more enjoyable than the VB swilling and bogan tourist influx that’s associated with the Clipsal. Not that the Clipsal’s importance to SA can be discounted but the Tour Down Under also has an international recognition that makes it unique here, especially since it’s been added to the UCI ProTour, the first such event outside of Europe. What makes the Tour Down Under so refreshing compared to other similar tours is that the long grey cloud of performance enhancing substance abuse that overhangs the sport is relegated to the distant horizon here, to the extent that an issue that has undermined the sport at nearly every turn in its recent history seems a relatively minor problem here even in the presence of thorough testing, although there has been the occasional difficulty in securing sponsorship. It seems to be for the most part a genuinely clean event and Australians in particular seem to have an equally genuine appreciation for that.
Even I’m surprised that I’ve managed to go two paragraphs without mentioning the event’s major story this year. The comeback of Lance Armstrong at the Tour Down Under comes resplendent with all those timeless sporting clichés. Amazing, inspirational - words so ubiquitous in sport that their meaning is worn down from being used incessantly. Thankfully, Lance Armstrong’s courage and then selflessness in returning to professional cycling in order to raise awareness for battling cancer speaks for itself.
There is the potential concern that Armstrong’s appearance makes it the Tour de Lance rather than the Tour Down Under, making the event more about the personality rather than the sport and the other competitors. Realistically though, Armstrong’s appearance in Adelaide has been the shot in the arm the event has needed to take it to the next level of credibility and public interest, and I sincerely hope it’s not his sole appearance in the event. The benefits of the tour to this state undeniably outweigh the petty bitching that comes with the event, typically from impatient motorists. From the jovial carnival atmosphere that comes with the street parties to the cycling zeitgeist that inevitably affects a lot of people in the city, it’s also thankfully an easy sport to get involved in at some standard. From the recreational events that coincide with the tour to the simple act of commuting by bike. Let’s hope it’s encouraged some students to put those bike sheds to good use. Angus Chisholm
ferent cities in the world, sometimes you do have to just check your environment” he laughs. “It’s an amazing place to perform.”
People More Interesting than You Wil Anderson speaks to Claire E. Knight Comedy Guru, TV star and radio extraordinaire Wil Anderson is back in Australia, soaking up some sun and sounds as he prepares to launch back into hectic yet oh so enticing festival juggernaut that is the Adelaide Fringe. Since returning from a string of shows in the UK, Wil’s been laying low, writing new material and indulging in some sweet summer festival vibes. “You tend to do less comedy in the summer in Australia because people don’t really go. And fair enough, why would ya? It’s night time, it’s summer, you can go to the beach!” Wil reasons. “It’s very much a music festival thing for me. Particularly because I got back from London doing shows on Christmas Eve, so I had spent the last month in London where it got dark at 3 o’clock in the afternoon and was like zero degrees so I think I came back wanting to take advantage of the Australian summer in abundance.” True to his word, Wil’s definitely been a familiar face around the festival and music scenes lately, “I did Falls Festival, I’ve done a bit of Sydney Festival, I went to Big Day Out and Lupe Fiasco, Hot Chip, TV on the Radio… and saw La Clique in the Spiegeltent”, say Wil, referring to nomadic and ornate circus tent that’s reached iconic status around the world and will once again find its way to our Garden of Unearthly Delights, where Wil shall be performing. Catching the ‘cabaret slash freak show’, La Clique, as part of the Sydney festival, I ask Wil if it was trippy being in the same venue that he’ll performing at in a different state in a mere couple of months. “It’s very weird… I remember just sitting there watching trapeze artists and a guy dressed in a fluorescent blue bunny suit, singing and magic acts and a naked guy climbing a rope and thinking ‘Yeah I’ll be telling my jokes in this same tent in a couple of months but I’ll be in Adelaide’. Muses Wil, who remains hush hush on whether his show will also feature fluorescent blue bunny suits and rope climbing. “I’ve stumbled drunk out of that tent in so many dif-
Adelaide Fringe goers can look forward to seeing Wil drunkenly stumbling out of the tent in our own city later this month. Utilising yet another ‘Wil’ pun, Wilosophy is the latest stand-up offering from the man who previously brought us BeWILdered, Wil Of God, Kill Wil and I am the Wilrus to name a few. “Any show I bring, I think it has to be a new show” Wil mentions as discussion turns to his previous Fringe appearances. “People don’t want to come along to comedy and see the ‘greatest hits’, when people go to see rock n roll, like when you go to see U2, you don’t want to hear them play the rubbish new stuff, you want to hear Where the Streets Have no Name…” When you go to comedy it’s not the same. You don’t get people going to Dave Hughes gigs and holding up their lighters when he’s doing Fish n Chips and a Crabstick or Snakes Alive, Why are they all Dead. It’s always about new material, but with that said my general theme with most shows is just 70 minutes of the funniest shit I can think of said in a row.” He admits. With a reputation for putting on such fast paced and socially critical shows, I’ve always been curious as to how much of Wil Anderson’s brand of comedy is scripted, and how much is improvised on the spot. “At least 50% of the show will be scripted most nights.” Wil tells me. “I have 70 minutes of material there. But I like to leave it open, if something happens in the room. I did a gig in Edinburgh in 1999 and an Ed Burns show, the Irish comedian, had started half way through my show and his crowd were making heaps of noise... I jokingly said at the end of whatever I was ranting on about, ‘Aw screw Ed Burns!’ and this voice from the audience went, ‘Well, actually I have.’ Then I went ‘What!?, and she went ‘Nah, he just went down on me.’ That was the entire show, there was just so much in that moment, and so much for me to talk about with that person that the rest of the show just went out the window. But you can’t rely on stuff like that to happen every night.” I’m sensing a common theme as most of the stories Wil tells me seem to centre around the legendary Edinburgh Fringe Festival and the assortment of crazed punters it attracts. On the eve of our local namesake, I ask Wil how the world’s Fringe crowds compare. “I find that Scottish crowds, cause they see a lot of comedy, tend to pipe up a lot” Wil observes, launching into yet another amusing Scottish lark. “Scottish crowds
also tend to answer rhetorical questions… and they’re funny. I remember I did a show in Edinburgh and there was this guy from Glasgow in the audience, with a big thick Glaswegian accent and he said, ‘Australians are so lazy, they wouldn’t pull a greasy stick out of a dog’s arse!’, which everyone laughed at at the time, but I’d never heard that expression before, was that a common Scottish expression? I didn’t know. All I could think of to say at the time, cause I realised he was insulting our entire country, he wasn’t just insulting me, (was) ‘mate, as a proud Australian, I’m not sure we give a shit. I think we’re a little more concerned with what Scottish people are doing sticking it up there in the first place. I mean, how bad are you at playing fetch? What’s going to happen if we pull it out? Ooh I’m king of all England!’ But they do take part, they’re an audience that comes to be part of the show whereas there are plenty of places in Australia where that doesn’t happen.” Wil Anderson would like to see you this Fringe in the Garden of Unearthly Delights. Bring your brightest lycra bunny suit and your best distasteful Dog’s Arse puns and prove that Adelaide crowds can rock just as hard the Scots! Claire E. Knight
film section
Anders Wotzke, Nav Sandhu & Sean Kellett
With the Golden Globes just behind us and the Sundance Film Festival entertaining Park City, Utah until January 25, movie-lovers across the world begin to turn their focus to the Kodak Theatre, the Los Angeles backdrop of the Academy Awards. Although his year it was the Golden Globes making a grand return after taking the pinch from the 2008 writers’ strike, the Oscars too will be looking to step up their game after achieving an all-time low of 32 million domestic viewers last year. The Academy Awards are no doubt one of the most renowned and prestigious celebrations of cinema. Since I was little - four-years old and off to see Jurassic Park – I have had a profound love for the screen, and although I missed numerous Oscars because it was past my bedtime, I’ve remained a loyal fan of the golden statuette and what it has come to represent in the industry. In 2009, I continue as a humbled devotee, with the past year presenting the world of cinema with a kaleidoscope of spectacular films ready for the awards. Comedy-wise we were entertained by the likes of the energetic duo The Coen Brothers with Burn After Reading; Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona; and British director Mike Leigh’s Happy-Go-Lucky. In January, the tragic death of Australian actor Heath Ledger sparked a widespread and heartfelt anticipation for an already highly anticipated film – The Dark Knight. I’m not one to play favourites but I did buy advanced tickets to see this movie on opening day...and twice more over the next two days. As the year wound to a close, we continued to be treated to an array of outstanding films with releases such as political dramas Frost/Nixon and Milk, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Wrestler, Revolutionary Road, Doubt, The Reader, a nd a smalltime movie straight from the heart of India – Slumdog Millionaire. Traditionally, the successes of the Oscars can be somewhat foretold at the Golden Globes, though the last Best Picture to win both The Oscar and the Golden Globe was The Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King in 2004, signifying that the two events don’t always see eye-to-eye. This year the Globes were taken out by Slumdog Millionaire, winning not only Best Picture, but Best Director, Best Screenplay and Best Original Score, and leaving Hollywood favourites The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Frost/Nixon empty-handed. That being said, considering the recent Globe/Oscar trend of incongruent victories, and with The Curious Case of Benjamin Button scraping the most Oscar nominations, I remain eagerly uncertain of where the spotlight of the 81st Academy Awards will end up shining its brightest. But hey, as long as Heath gets his nod, right? Still, what is it that gets everybody so damn excited about the Oscars? Well, for the nominees, presenters and those other famous people that fill in the gaps, they get to doll themselves up, whisk down the red carpet in stunning designer attire, have their pictures taken whilst simultaneously being praised for their films, outfits or partners, and then enjoy a night of first-class everything and an after-party held by Vanity Fair.
But for the rest of us? We just simply love film. We may spend the day of the Oscars covering our ears, scaring ourselves away from all radios and televisions in the frantic hope of not hearing who won what. We may spend the entire night watching it at home, with family or friends, each person scribbling on a printed ballot list and trying desperately not to fall asleep during the Best Documentary Short category. We may even gripe over the fact that oh-so-often those movies made specifically for the Oscars, take home the Oscars. But at the end of the day, we love every moment of it: the fashion, the fashion-victims, the joy of seeing a film you saw three times win, and the heartbreak of when it doesn’t but you know you’re not the only one who’s disappointed. So if I could say one thing to all the movie-lovers of Adelaide who are getting their ballots ready for the 81st Academy Awards? Put money on it.If you win, I’ll see you at the movies. Nav Sandhu
Valkyrie (Rated: M) I blame History for spoiling Hollywood’s latest WWII thriller Valkyrie. Had I not previously known that the daring attempt made by Germans to assassinate Adolf Hitler and overthrow the Nazi regime had failed, it might have made for a more engaging movie. It’s common knowledge that the Nazi leader took his own life; clearly a completely miscast Tom Cruise had nothing to do with it. Portraying Claus von Stauffenberg, the German Colonel responsible for orchestrating the assassination and following coup, Cruise looks as though he just stepped off the set of Top Gun. Instead of at least attempting a German accent, Cruise opts to put on a ridiculous eye-patch, as if it alone is enough to suggest he is now a Nazi Colonel. In reality of course, he looks about as German as Jackie Chan would in a lederhosen. Despite his big on-screen ego, Cruise is not nearly charismatic enough to convincingly depict Stauffenberg; a man who was able to muster unfaltering support from his fellow conspirators when committing the highest act of treason. Thankfully, the supporting cast are far more suited to their roles than the film’s star. An ever reliable Bill Nighy and Tom Wilkinson portray Nazi Generals on either side of the fence, one determined to overthrow Hitler’s regime, the other standing by their oath of allegiance to the Führer. Taking on the most challenging role is small-time TV star David Bamber, depicting none other than Hitler himself, giving a suitably menacing performance that avoids being overdone. Bryan Singer’s direction is also commendable, employing some dynamic camerawork that manages to make even the dialogue-heavy scenes somewhat thrilling. Even with so much on-screen chatter, the characters lack any real depth; whilst Stauffenberg’s motives for being involved in the operation are mentioned, the rest of the rebels seem to willingly sign-up without due explanation. Sure, the Western world knows that Hitler’s an evil bastard, but do these Germans want him dead for the same reasons? Couple the simplicity of the screenplay with the fact that the ending is never in doubt, which works only to lessen the suspense that the film desperately tries to create, and Valkyrie ultimately struggles to find its wings. 5/10 Anders Wotzke
Changeling
BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE SPOOL SNATCHERS
(MA)
A survival guide to the mad cinematic months of February & March
For those On Dit readers who don’t dabble in pagan occult as much as you should, faeries or trolls were known sometimes to kidnap babies, and swap them with one of their own offspring – a changeling, that would unknowingly be raised feeding off the mother, unless religious types identified and scared it away. Anyway, this film has nothing to with the occult. Changeling is directed by Clint Eastwood, set in the 1920’s and based upon the true story of single L.A. mother Christine Collins (Angelina Jolie) who is told 5 months after her son Walter has gone missing that he has been found alive in another city. When they are finally reunited Christine is shocked to find that the child is an imposter claiming to be her son. Furthermore the police insist that it’s her son and that it’s normal for a mother to have trouble seeing their child changed after 5 months of rough living. Shocked, confused and pressured, amidst the public press spectacle made of their reunion, she is forced to take the child home and pretend everything is fine. With the support of a vocal reverand (John Malkovich) that runs a radio talk she stands up to the authorities to expose the farce, and demand they continue the search for her still missing son. The film carries an interesting (albeit cliché) theme of a single mother gaining the independence and strength to take on a corrupt authority for the sake of her son. Angelina Jolie really needed this role to shed the type cast of her as a gold digging-warriorslut type as we see in the Tomb Raider, Mr & Mrs Smith and Wanted. Jeffrey Donovan plays a devilish role as the corrupt prohibition-era police captain, and as usual Malkovich absorbs himself in his character as the zealous radio Reverand Gustav Briegleb. But my personal kudos goes to relative unknown James Butler Harner. All up, the film is great. It does seem to drag on a bit at the end, but captivates and intrigues the whole way through. This is definitely worth seeing, you won’t regret it. 4/5 Stars Michael Hill
Revolutionary Road (MA) Revolutionary Road is a film about a troubled young couple – Frank and April Wheeler - anchored by two very measured, considered performances by Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, both of whom are at the top of their game and have matured into very fine actors since they both appeared together in that film. Michael Shannon also gives a performance worthy of a best supporting actor nod for his role as the son of friends of the Wheelers with an indeterminate mental illness, stealing the show in the scenes he’s in. He is seen as a social outcast because of his illness but at the same time he can see through all the vagueness of the Wheelers and understand exactly what is going on in their lives. Angry and fearful of the potential consequences of their actions, Shannon imbues his character with a measure of hysteria not seen since a Kate Winslet acceptance speech. While the ending itself is certainly morale sapping if not downright depressing,there is something ever so slightly uplifting about some of the implied subtext. Perhaps this is my own bizarre take on the film but the suggestion that you shouldn’t settle for the lifestyle that society expects of you, and highlighting the folly of pursuing a concept as rigid and inherently limited and limiting as the American Dream is encouraging. The fact that this theme is driven home, though, with an ‘or else...’ caveat of fairly dramatic consequence is distinctly ominous. That said – somewhat disappointingly - the movie’s focus is primarily on the disintegration of the Wheeler’s personal relationship rather than these overarching ideas. Aside from the compelling story and performances to match, director Sam Mendes has a good sense of how to use the camera and when. Switching from idyllic to claustrophobic appropriately and unflinchingly, it creates a mood which builds a lingering sense of dread leading to its sombre conclusion.
4/5
Angus Chisholm
Former SBS Movie Show presenter and cult film revolutionary Jaimie Leonarder prepares to unleash lashings of incongruous frivolity at BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE SPOOL SNATCHERS. Featuring as part of the 2009 Adelaide Fringe Festival and screening at the MERCURY CINEMA, over six days Spool Snatchers will deliver doses of crazy Kung-Fu, off-beat screen sirens, wacked out wrestling, propaganda gone wrong and many other far-out celluloid obscurities that will leave eyes bulging and jaws dropping. In the film-buff’s world, Jaimie Leonarder may be likened to Robin Hood. Since early teenage years Leonarder alias Jay Katz, has had a passion for liberating cult-classic, foreign, bizarro and rare cinematic gems. Like a senile old man Leonarder, with the help of wife Aspasia, has taken to bringing back forgotten titles from beyond the brink and screening these riches to whomever will watch. As a teen, a screening of Ed Wood’s infamous Plan 9 from Outer Space cultured a seed of interest in forgotten or neglected films. This seed germinated into a proactive move to seek out 16mm prints of films of a similar nature. From the early days of screening these prints in the family living room, Leonarder now has one of the most comprehensive collections around. He now runs the distinguished Mu Mesons Archives, the archives having an active fan base, website, radio show and regular screening program. Spool Snatchers is a just taste of what the archives hold. But it is not all free-falling cult action. Leonarder also has a more serious goal. Like a true anthropologist, he is seriously interested in capturing the mentality of the filmmakers and the audience that were intended to receive it. This is evident in one of his screenings, entitled Mental Hygiene; it’s a series of seriously outdated educational shorts. Like a bizarre time capsule, it’s political correctness gone wrong. Other must sees include: Unmasked: The Secret World of Pro Wrestling-from the oddities of Japanese Bath House Wrestling to Puerto Rico barbed wire matches and Freaks, Geeks and (Almost) X Rated Peaks 2- a series of transgressive shorts of 2-3 minutes in length (obviously geared towards Gen Y.) With a style similar to Crispin Glover, Leonarder will present each of his films personally and be on hand to answer questions. Always the showman and equally inspirational he is not just interested in presenting to a group of film geeks, but rather the general public at large. Like some mind-altering drug he hopes that these films will open the eyes of non-believers that may only suckle on the teat of mainstream distributors. And as he assures me, the best way to show these films is with a lot of people watching. While Leonarder will present his this unique program, Adelaide’s own cult guru, filmmaker and Trasharama creator Richard “Dick” Dale will take over to showcase two Grindhouse double features. Expect to see such ridiculous titles as Santo and Captain America vs. Spiderman (yes, as in the Santo that appears on that god-awful loop at Burp!). This film fits into a truly wonderful niche of films known as the “Turkish remake”. Wanting to capitalise on the sensation of Hollywood films, Turkish film companies in the 70s tried to nock off some of Hollywood’s biggest successes. Other Turkish Remakes that didn’t quite hit the mark include Turkish Wizard of Oz, Turkish Superman, Turkish E.T. and Turkish Star Wars. This movie contains some pretty good action and one unforgettable scene involving a carnivorous rat with a taste for human eyeballs. Others include: Hong Kong horror comedy Kung Fu Cannibals, and 83 cm tall Filipino exploitation star Weng Weng getting his freak on in The Impossible Kid, a Bond movie I’m positive you’ve never seen. Check out the Mercury Cinema Website at www.mercurycinema.org.au
By Thomas Glaister
Down 1. Which band is brought to mind during delirium in Touching the Void? (2 words) 3. In which mountain range is Alive set? 6. The amp can be turned up to which number in This is Spinal Tap? 7. Leonardo DiCaprio’s (blank) ruined The Beach? (2 words) 8. Which acronym describing someone rendered unidentifiable by an act of war is used in Saving Private Ryan? 9. In Cannibal: The Musical what nationality are the Native Americans? 11. In The Edge two men fight to survive against which creature? 14. Which abundant material is prized in Waterworld? Across 2. The Pianist is set in which European city? 4. Thelma and Louise drive into this? 5. Which actor plays opposite Will Smith in Enemy of the State? (2 words) 10. In 28 Days Later Britain is consumed by which kind of disease? 12. What is Bruce Willis’ weakness in Unbreakable? 13. Robert De Niro plays Russian (blank) in The Deer Hunter? 15. Bruce Willis borrows an uzi from which hitman in Pulp Fiction? (2 words)
A famous and well known celebrity portmanteaus
c r o s s w o r d
CLUE
f i l m
thankyou to . . .
If you fill out the crossword correctly and figure out the anagram hidden in the spaces marked with a star You can WIN one of 30 sneak preview double passes to see Two Arms One Heart at Palace Nova
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Stereotypical or Struggler? By columnist Natalie Wade In the true nature of the word, disability suggests that a person with a disability is unable to complete certain tasks on a physical and/or intellectual level. Combine this definition with the concept of university, one of the most respected academic institutions in the world and you have yourself quite the paradox. However, whilst it’s not a stereotype that people with disabilities do have day to day struggles and complications it is no reason for minimized participation in university life from study to socializing. Unlike other endeavors which are attempted by people with disabilities such as employment, social activities and independent living, university offers quite a unique opportunity… Planning. At uni there are support systems in place which allow you to plan down to the millisecond. Every lecture, every tute, who can help you and where the nearest accessible coffee shop is, can all be determined before you even set foot (or wheel) onto campus. I can hardly say all of this though without some inside hints to lead you to a transition focused not on looking for the nearest ramp or struggling to hear in the prelim lectures. But instead having an O’Week spent joining the union and locating the uni bar. The key to it all is quite simple - registering with the Disability and Counseling Services. This opens up the door to a range of services for all disabilities and associated requirements. In my experience, contact with the Disability Liaison Officer (DLO) is kind of like having a personal assistant. Any problems that I have that I need organized or have no idea what the options are, the DLO always knows the answer or will find one. Once you’re set up with all the systems in place and have those inevitable few teething problems the need to plan or allow for your disability becomes minimal. Students with disabilities are no exception to the definition or stereotype of disability in the larger sense. Nevertheless, a stereotype or definition does not equate to impossibility or even restriction and limitation. Like anything at uni, it is your responsibility to address the need and seek the support. But be prepared for uni life full of study, coffee drinking, over priced text books and good times!
Poetry & Short Stories
With Adam (Peach) Klimkiewicz and Lauren Lovett
doesn’t respond, instead he looks at his shoes and pulls his clipboard into his chest and hugs the clipboard tightly It is January and I hate you. I did not think I would hate you as though it were a dying baby. but I do. I hate you because unlike you, I cannot break my hand off. Regardless of the height of the tree, when I jump I You hadn’t picked up every piece of cutlery. I know this always land on my knees. And it is a factual fact that knees because a fork broke my fall. I ask David if he will amdon’t break. putate my arm. He says he will not. He says I am lucky because I get to keep my arm. Inside I do not feel lucky. People who don’t even know you like you. I look over at you. You are smiling. Right now I hate you And people who don’t like you pretend that the most. I hate you even though you smell like piecrust they like you because they don’t want to ap- heaven. pear anti-disabled, disablist. Nobody wants to be seen as a disablist. Being a disabilist is You go to the hospital shop to get me a magazine. Now as bad as being a professional baby shaker. that you are gone David reminds me that I am very lucky. He tells me that I am lucky not to be like you: singlePeople are impressed when you do things handed. I tell David that I believe the correct terminology - things that everyone can do. At primary is: uni-handest. Whilst you are gone I tell David that I school the sport teacher patted you on the desire to be uni-handest. David tells me that hands are shoulder when you skipped with a rope. The important. David says that all doctors would struggle to sport teacher saw me do double dutch. I got get through university if they were handy-challenged . i no pat, no smile, not even a slight nod of ap- know David is lying to me. I am pretty much a certified proval. Even now you can’t double dutch. doctor. That is because I have seen almost every episode You can’t even clap. You can’t clap because of the Dr. Phil show. I don’t tell David about my qualificayou only have one hand. One hand and a tions because I know he was just trying to make me feel stump. better. I don’t tell David that I know people don’t really need two hands to get through university. Trees have failed me so at home I climb up the side of my bunk bed. I close my eyes You come back with a magazine. It has a pony on the and prepare to jump. You enter the room. front. I don’t like ponies. To me, ponies are just horses Eyes still closed, I tell you that you should that were too lazy to grow big. David takes his clipboard make like a bee and fuck off. You tell me that and leaves the room. You open the magazine and read the saying doesn’t make sense unless i say me an article about mane braiding. Your stub is having ‘buzz off.’ I tell you that your face is retarded. trouble turning the page. I reach over and turn the page I open my eyes a teensy bit and watch you for you. Smiling, you tell me that david is a girlish name pick up the array of cutlery that i had placed for a doctor. on the carpet (for assistance with my desired hand disfigurement.) Elliott Anderless.
Lazy Horse By Lauren Lovett
I close my eyes again and wait for you and the cutlery to leave. You go into the kitchen and start to make a pie. I know that you are making a pie even though I have my eyes closed. I know this because you are making your special piecrust that smells of cinnamon. Your special piecrust that smells like heaven: all sweet and fatty. I refocus on the task at hand. I shut my eyes tighter and stretch my arm out toward the ground. I keep my arm straight and I jump. At the hospital Dr. Cohen puts stitches in my arm. I ask Dr. Cohen if his first name is Leonard. He says it is not. He says his name is David. I tell him that David is a lady’s name. He
An investigation into surviving the industry as a poet By Peach Howey-Lenixxh Australia Day 2009: and lil’ old SA was graced by arguably the twentieth century’s Man of Wine, Women and Song. And as surprising as it may be to many, it wasn’t Ricky Ponting or Lance Armstrong. Oh no, it was a man even more debonair than Australia’s hairiest captain or the world’s most successful drug cheat. Poet/singersongwriter Leonard Cohen, now in his seventies, stopped by A Day on the Green to take us through some of his greatest compositional triumphs. Cohen is one hell of a survivor, having distributed his poetry, generally through songs and most recently spoken-word, to most parts of the globe. Consequently, a lucrative lifestyle has adorned itself upon him. The question begs: how on earth does one survive long-term in the industry not only as a writer, but as a poet? Here’s another surprise: it doesn’t just come down to wearing funky berets and speaking in French accents, as fun as that can be. In all seriousness, Australia itself has a thriving poetry scene. With many publications and performance nights, full-time poets such as Mike Ladd and the late Dorothy Porter flourish on readers’ bookshelves. I was fortunate enough to spend some time with one of Australia’s most successful and passionate young poets, Amelia Walker (who has had more than 100 of her poems published since she was sixteen). I asked her what it takes for a poet to survive the industry. “Well, it depends on what you mean by survival”, she responds, “Because there are three different types.” Walker identifies the hardest thing for a writer to get out of the industry is complete security. It is especially difficult for a poet to be able to pay rent and feed themselves just off their work and thus many take up second or third, often unrelated, jobs. Recognition is her second point. Walker explains that, with enough work-ethic, a poet can survive the imposing claws of countless literary competition and get their work out there. She elucidates on the importance of persistence with many publishers, applying for grants and attending heaps and heaps of gigs. The fact is that the average success rate is one poem in every ten sent off to publishers. Obviously recognition also takes study and talent—Walker having taken out celebrated literary competitions and been asked to perform her work at such notable events as the Big Day Out (Adelaide, 2003)—but her answer refers me back to a short untitled Cohen poem. Walker then talks of one of the toughest battles an aspiring artist must face—the battle to protect one’s integrity. She explains that survival in the industry must also include a sort of survival ‘against’ the industry—often a poet must sacrifice some success to stay true to themselves, not writing certain types of poems simply because they may be fashionable at a particular time. This is precisely why Walker is such a big fan of David Bowie, that enigmatic extraordinaire unafraid of being experimental and even making some mistakes on his way to achieving timeless works. “Experimentation can also be a buffer against writer’s block,” Walker continues, “Because when one lacks inspiration it’s often only inspiration in one type of writing style. So, for example, when I feel I’ve exhausted my linguistics area of the brain, I’ll try some visual or mathematical (based heavily on rhythm and pattern) poetry. (Dorothy) Porter and Cohen may have transgressed into plays and songs respectively for similar reasons; it’s good to have as many experiences as possible. “But all in all, what matters most is passion. Success will only come if you’re passionate about what you’re doing.” (Amelia Walker launches her second book of poetry, Just Your Everyday Apocalypse, on February 26 at the Jade Monkey, at 6pm. Check out her website, www.freewebs.com/ameliawalker, which gives tips to budding writers on how to get known and published.)
Few uni students don’t use drugs of some kind. Whether it’s coffee to get you through those 8 am lectures or a cigarette after a hard test, most of us are on something. But not many people actually know what it is that’s happening when they get a caffeine buzz, or stop being able to walk in a straight line. The two most common chemical “crutches” students at uni use are caffeine (watch the queue lengths at UBC at 9 in the morning) and alcohol (the university has its own bar... enough said). Incidentally, caffeine and alcohol are a bad mix. Jägerbombs might be fun, but you should be careful – while the caffeine is trying to speed your heart up, the alcohol is trying to slow it down, which can get dangerous (heart attack dangerous!). Think of pressing the brake and the accelerator at the same time in a car. It’s not just your heart that’s in danger, either – you are twice as likely to need medical attention or ride with a drunk driver if you mix caffeine and alcohol, not to mention hook up with an ex, or someone ugly. (I could dedicate a whole page to this! - Vincent, ed.) While alcohol might seem to give you a lift like caffeine, it’s not a stimulant. It’s actually a depressant, or a sedative, so it relaxes you. Alcoholic drinks contain ethanol, which is made by a fungus called yeast. Yeast breaks down sugars and starch to form ethanol and CO2. The sugar or starch is from whichever plant material is being used to make the drink – grapes if it’s wine, grain if it’s beer, and almost anything, from sap to sweet potato if it’s a spirit. Spirits are distilled after fermentation, which gives them a much higher alcohol content than beer or wine. Once alcohol is in your bloodstream, it can affect any part of your body.
investment. Caffeine is the most commonly taken stimulant on the planet – most people will get some of it every day, from coffee, tea, chocolate or energy drinks (Mother seems to be the best thing to help you stay up all night... no cheap innuendo, please). It belongs to the same class of drugs as cocaine and amphetamines, and it could stop your heart if you take too much of it (but it’s not regulated and is completely legal). It gives temporary bursts of alertness by hiding the feeling of tiredness, but it doesn’t actually remove the need for sleep, so if you use it to stay up partying (or maybe even to study), your fatigue will eventually catch up with you and you might collapse on whoever you’re drunkenly chatting up at the time. If you’re using it to stay awake, it can take up to an hour to work (that’s if you’re getting it from food or drink – if you’re really desperate for energy, taking it rectally is supposedly quicker). A mild dose – like a standard coffee – will wear off in 3-4 hours. Caffeine has hundreds of effects throughout the body, many of them too small to notice, but the most obvious ones are relaxing the muscles in your lungs, increasing your heart rate, elevating your blood pressure and releasing adrenaline – the “fight or flight” hormone usually released when we are in danger – into your bloodstream, making you more tense and alert. Altogether, this increases your capacity for mental and physical activity. Also, it can make some pain relieving drugs work faster and more effectively.
Science with Anna: Study Survival 101
Everyone responds to alcohol differently, but most people get the same major effects – relaxation, a better mood, lowered inhibitions, impaired judgement (including seeing people as more attractive), dehydration and so on. However, a lot of the effects are at least partly psychological – in groups of people at a bar, people who aren’t drinking often show the same signs of drunkenness as their friends who are drunk (handy if you’re broke). Research has shown that a person’s behaviour changes significantly immediately after their first sip of alcohol – nowhere near long enough for it to get into the bloodstream. The health benefits of alcohol are constantly being debated – alcoholism is physically and psychologically very damaging, and often fatal, and drinking too much can cause cancer. However, in moderation, it seems to protect against heart disease and dementia. People who have one or two standard drinks per day tend to live longer than both teetotallers and alcoholics, so don’t go your hardest every weekend, but a big night out once in a while just might be a future health
THE IDIOT BOX Hey all! Welcome to ‘TV’ page! I was going to bore you with trivia about the history of TV and all that, but then I decided to entertain you with sheer liquid wonderment! Considering we’ve all watched enough crappy summer viewing over the past couple of months we may as well talk about it. So if you’ve spent this summer under a rock or volunteering in Africa helping Geldoff or whatever, here are the best and worst bits of summer programming. Bon appétit!
Ah, cartoons. Whether it’s Peter Griffin or Homer you prefer you no that no holiday is worth spending on your couch without cartoons. I freaking love Family Guy and American Dad but sadly due to the crapness of channels 7/9/10 they are never shown enough or are reserved to dodgy timeslots. My personal favourite AD moment is when Hanz manages to get out of his bowl and steal the body of African/American guy with a sweet afro and try to seduce Francine. This is not to be outdone by FG with Brian in a banana suit singing ‘Peanut butter jelly time!’ with maracas.
by Lauren Roberts
Soapies. If its Bold and the Beautiful, Young and the Restless, Home and Away, Neighbours etc you can pretty much guarantee that its only put on to soothe the housewives stuck home with the kiddies. Although I’ve been quite prone to watch the escapades of Brooke, Ridge and the gang it’s only to escape the sports on the other channels. Seriously house-frau’s, stay outta the early evening timeslot and give me something good!
Scrubs. Yet another awesome show relegated to 11 at night while you’re trying to stay awake to see JD humiliate himself again *sigh of dreamyness*. Ok so the guys’ seriously lacking in testosterone but that’s what makes the man Vanilla Bear. If you don’t know what I’m talking about ...BE GONE! You are not worthy enough. Although watching JD screw up his love life is always a highlight (as is his unique brand of slapstick), his baby Sam is freaking too cute and Turk is just as funny as always. Season 8 is now on YouTube.
Caffeine is addictive however and your body can develop a tolerance to regular doses of caffeine very quickly, meaning you need to take more to get the same effect. If you drink coffee regularly and decide to suddenly stop, you can expect some pretty nasty withdrawal symptoms, including fatigue, headaches, nausea, anxiety, irritability, difficulty concentrating and (in extreme cases) mild depression. Anna Ehmann
*If you can think of a better name for taking No-Doz rectally than “arsepresso”, send us an email and we’ll print ‘em in the next edition’s science pages!
Oprah. Whether you’re an Ellen, an Oprah, Dr Phil, Judge Judy or The View kinda creature, these pathetic shows can be quite juicy way to spend an afternoon. Teamed with a cup of tea and a choc bikkie, it’s the best way to waste your summer. There is something about an angry old bitch (Judy) screaming at yokels and hicks that makes this oh-so watchable.
If that still doesn’t do it for you, check out ‘Flavor of Love’ on Foxtel/dvd. For those of you familiar to the reality show with Flav and his ho’s, you know how addictive it is. If anyone has any awesome ideas for the next page or you want to contribute, drop me a line on lauren.roberts@student. adelaide.edu.au
YOUR SRC –
ACTIONS NOT JUST WORDS It is no small task to convince people to be involved in their organizations frankly speaking, over the relatively short time I have been at University I have seen the general interest and goodwill towards our student Union turn into widespread ambivalence. In the face of that the response by many student representatives in the pages of On Dit has typically been sentimental hankering for the ‘good old days’ and / or broadsided attacks on the student body at large. Instead, I thought I’d just set out what the SRC and a few of the initiatives we have started; my approach is that when it comes to the challenging task of demonstrating the relevance of student advocacy, actions and results usually speak louder than words. The new SRC is now the peak student representative body on campus, and draws together dozens of representatives who advocate on our behalf as students on campus through campaigns and actions, to government and external organizations as well as through the less glamorous task of sitting on the many University committees and putting forward a student perspective. This work is done through the “office bearers” of the SRC: students charged with the responsibility of advocating for specific areas, from the rights of women, international students and queer students to the environment, social justice and student welfare united by a common appreciation of the notion that all students are entitled to equal and unimpeded access to high quality education. Over the course of the holidays we have been hard at work setting up a myriad of ways to better advocate, achieve and represent students. Given the confines of this article I can briefly outline only a few: Counter Guide – By the time this is out you will have hopefully already picked up a copy. I am very privileged to have worked closely with some extremely dedicated students to have produced the first honest, wholly student written guide to university courses at Adelaide in years. Particular thanks to Myriam Robin for collating and editing the reviews. Printing / Internet Quotas – The SRC’s Education Officer Robert Fletcher successfully lobbied for massive increases in printing and internet quota for students effective this year. Students will now pay a fifth of the price for more internet quota, our initial free internet allowance has quadrupled and our free printing quota has doubled. If you are interested in getting involved please email me via paris.dean@student. adelaide.edu.au, or call on 8303 5401. Paris Dean SRC President
Student Accommodation Survey – In conjunction with the AUU, the SRC has commissioned and designed our first comprehensive research project into student living arrangements, which will shed light on the adequacy of youth allowance, rates of pay and parental support and how these are impacting on students experience of university. International Student Fee Changes – In partnership with the Overseas Students Association and a coalition of concerned students we were able to facilitate a dialogue between the University and international students about their concerns over fee increases. As I see it, the SRC has a momentous task on its hands this year: to reengage with students and defeat the plague of ambivalence that has stopped students getting involved in their organizations. With the current federal reviews into education and welfare and a brand new advocacy body, this is something that we as a student collective cannot afford to stuff up. Paris Dean, SRC President
Keeping your Humour in Cuba; by Steph walker
My trip to Cuba wasn’t the most premeditated, but after spending a year in Toronto, Canada, I had decided that I should arrive back in Adelaide without a dollar to my name. My Spanish didn’t extend beyond ‘hello’, ‘what’s happening’ and ‘perhaps, perhaps, perhaps’. Suffice to say the Cubans were not astounded by my conversational skills, which is a surprisingly consistent reaction to me speaking all around the world. Arriving in Havana I negotiated the authorities at the airport and exited Jose Marti Airport to be confronted with a billboard of George Bush with the words ‘terrorista’ planted across the front. Travelling to my mother translates to “your daughter will die”, no matter what my location. Each destination is a playground for rapists, murders and environments certain to end the life of her child. Knowing this, it was important that I email her when I arrived to Cuba so that she didn’t try to pre-emptively mourn my death. At Hotel Vevado I was placed in a share room, without a key. I locked myself out of the room and left to use the internet. Havana was hot and after a year in Canada, a year in which Toronto had endured its worst winter since 1937. I had become so pale over the year that I could have hid in the snow but now, in the colourful and hot Cuban weather I stuck out, padestrians an drivers alike were forced to squint as I made my way to a neighbouring hotel to use the internet. It became apparent about 30 seconds into my walk down the street that I was being hissed at by men. This left me feeling a little edgy; after all I’d only been in the country for a short amount of time and I’d done nothing to merit any kind of communication let alone a hiss. It would be another day or two before I realised that this loud hiss sound is the Cuban equivalent of the wolf-whistle, not only used to charm the ladies but also just to get attention, essentially an ‘oi!’. In the heat I had forgotten I’d told my mother a series of lies that I felt would relax her. Lies were the most significant foundation of which my relationship with mum was built, and I felt we were both disappointed when I failed to be consistent. I returned to the hotel to meet Kris, an Irish girl travelling with two Irish friends, Emma Jane and Paula. The girls were the funniest I’d met in my life. They displayed the ability to laugh hardest at themselves, which was a skill I’d admired but never personally approached. That night after we’d returned home from a group dinner the electricity shutdown in the hotel. Kris being the resilient packer had brought a headlamp, and I recall a feeling of enriching life experience as I stood under the trickling cold water wearing the torch on my head. I hadn’t known it previously but the average Cuban menu contains four, and only four, types of food. If you saw five you were overjoyed. Pork is the most popular dish in Cuba. I don’t eat pork. The other three options would be fish (grilled), chicken (grilled) or beef (grilled). Though I look forward to returning to Cuba, it has nothing to do with the food. *** Within three days in Cuba my group would scream with delight when we could find a restaurant to make us hot chips or pizza and would look back with nostalgic sensibility of everything left back in our various homelands.
or; Casi muriendo en Cuba to, lying on the red earth hyperventilating, raised his head and answered “Si, this is hummingbird!” ‘Look at me’ I thought, ‘here I am in Cuba, noticing birds, hiking, truly I am living life’ I could feel the life experience floating into my system as the contents of my stomach was exiting. Staggering to the hut an hour later, i had blisters on my back from the sun. At this point I’d thrown up everything in my stomach, and after being given water, I too, would throw this up, through my nose or my mouth it didn’t really matter. I finally surrendered and ultimately collapsed on the floor of a dirt hut and remained there, hyperventilating. My body surrendered itself to the floor; exhausted I would open my eyes to see giant ants moving towards me. Lying in a heap, I only moved my head to blow away the giant ants what would occasionally come to investigate.The degree to which I was sick and scared was matched only by my inherent need to make jokes as the rest of my group returned.
“remember cornflakes?” Emma-Jane would say. I did remember cornflakes and my did I miss them. I fell ill after spending a few days in Baracoa, a beautiful section of eastern Cuba. I must have eaten something bad but repressed this feeling in order to partake in the El Yunke hike, the area had been described by Columbus on his first journey to the island. Columbus had written he’d found paradise and we could all see what he was on about; from the bus. However the name, Baracoa, is of Arawak origin meaning ‘elevated land’ and once the hike commenced it was harder to appreciate Columbus’ words. Shortly after having swam in a beautiful waterfall – half way through the hike – I knew I was in trouble. My tour leader, a Cuban man named Jorhito had also started to feel ill and we decided to leave for the bus inorder to rest. The red dust from the dirt road swept over my legs as I sat on the ground, taking a break. After a further 5 minutes I stopped, dizzy and proceeded to gag. The view was actually wonderful, a river, a horse tied to a tree...
I was given drugs and an injection in the town of Baracoa, leaving me incapable of doing anything more than sitting and dismissing the food that was offered to me. After a day spent sitting or lying around we travelled to Santiago de Cuba. I hadn’t eaten for two days. The visit to the Santiago de Cuba hospital was brief and cheap and I returned to my casa with the Irish girls. At dinner I managed to digest three mouthfuls of rice before returning to my bed. I was woken by Kris,she had bought me a few more mouthfuls of “BLURGH…hummingbird?” I was sure I could see rice and gave me water for my medication. I would something fluttering a few feet above my head. Jorhi- drink and say I was okay but the guilt of
ruining holidays was relentless. Using all the stealth I could muster, which wasn’t much, I repeatedly threw up and took the medication again, endlessly staggering from the bathroom to the bedroom. By the end of the night I could feel my empty stomach beating around my torso like a windsock. ‘You’re dying. You’re dying in Cuba.” This was the only thought that I had, and the validity and frankness of my inner-monologue shocked me, especially as I said them out loud. I was weaving in and out of consciousness. How will they get my body back to Australia? I made promises. Promises I’ve now failed to keep; if I survive I’ll apologise to this or that person, I’ll tell everyone I love them and why, charity can have all that I own! I arrived, again, to the hospital to find the entire staff watching an early episode of Greys Anatomy in different rooms. Aside from the irony and apprehension of doctors watching a medical show I was remarkably nostalgic for Grey’s Anatomy during my final hours. I approached the screen as though it were a religious shrine capable of handing me hopeful salvation. ‘Remember Grey’s Anatomy’ I thought, ‘yes, I do, and my I miss it. Oh Meredith, why won’t you narrate these last moments of my life? Start with a seemingly innocuous, disconnected statement and conclude an hour later with a anecdote accentuating how all our lives are intertwined with such rich meaning!’ Once the morphine and antibiotics had run through my drip I stopped shaking and convulsing around my hospital bed. I was feeling spectacularly happy. I had been misdiagnosed in Baracoa and was also horrendously dehydrated. I can’t remember getting back to my Casa, I can’t remember getting back to my bed, but I remember waking up in the dark at 5am and thinking I was dead. I woke up – ‘where am I?’ I wasn’t sure, but I knew one thing - ‘Steph one, the reaper – zero!’ I ate breakfast in the morning, still too weak to open my bottled water I discussed with Kris how I came to be alive in Santiago. I’d come in from hospital the night previously and found my backpack all packed. Kris told me I was very jovial and thanked her kindly for doing this. I hadn’t known that if my hospital trip failed that I would have been flown back to Havana. I woke up in the morning and thanked Kris for packing my bag. I didn’t know we’d been through this and I’d talked the night away in a dizzying high with Kris trying to sleep across from me. I moved onto Trinidad and stayed at a Casa belonging to a man aptly named Jesus. Trinidad was fantastic, I nearly stepped on a tarantula as we were walking up to a dance cave situated five storeys below the ground. I drank enough Mojitos and Cuba Libre’s to soften the shock of my near-death experience. My fondest memory is of the Irish girls and myself lying on the roof of Jesus’ house in hammocks drinking Cuba Libre’s and smoking cigars and the sunset shining through the beautiful material as I lay weak and thankful that I survived my year abroad. By Steph Walker
“Out of the Meteor, into the Laser”
Witty Wordsmith With Sean Kellett Welcome back from the never long enough Summer break. Once again it has drawn to a close and it is perhaps time to reflect on how one has survived this perilous stretch. “Perilous!” I hear you retort. Summer is not the benign caretaker it feigns to be. Although you stand before me young, tanned and lovely (or maybe you’re a gamer) with the most idyllic notions of the December through February period, I’m afraid you have much to learn. Summer is guilty of murder in the first degree, an injustice committed before my very eyes! An innocent Ford Meteor (1986 - 2008 *sheds tear*) struck down in her prime, barely able to make it to her current resting place (a considerable amount of debris and avian faeces have accumulated upon her body since, nature’s RIP). “How could the carefree and benevolent Summer have perpetrated such an act!?” i hear you ask ... and I’m glad you did. It is a case of murder most foul, with an insidious plot deigned to lower the water level of my baby’s water tank day by day with gradually increasing temperatures. Knowing how ... frugal the vehicle’s owner was the Summer sun predicted that a CD deck hadn’t been installed in said car. The sun in fact was aware that the owner instead chose to drive around listening to FM radio through headphones connected to his mobile phone to save a few bucks on installation. Anyway, the trap was set. The fateful day arrived mid-December. As the headphones blared the owner made his way blissfully ignorant of the hissing and spluttering coming from the bone dry engine. By this time the heat gauge was indicating a code red, (a heat gauge’s way of screaming WTF!!!) however, the owner was more interested in the flesh parade in the street that so ceremoniously marks the true beginning of Summer. By the time the driver realised his predicament he was already half way up the meandering Old Belair Rd with no option but to forge to the summit. Despite a melody of groaning and hissing the summit was reached, but at the price of one fine and loyal vehicle, the result of a terminally cracked head gasket As always it is in the wake of tragedy that the test of survival begins. The driver, for months, suffered through dreams of that little 1.8 pleading for relief as he had no choice but to keep the accelerator firmly against the floor. Not having a car also cramped his chances with the ladies (even more so than his previous car). In a city designed around the automobile there was no choice but to gain wheels! Desperate and fiscally paralyzed, the driver ... okay its me. I took the 1982 Ford Laser (Ford didn’t make these cars - both are Mazdas let the record show) that my Dad had kept hidden at the back of his shed. What a car! Seriously, the litany of shit wrong with this malignant vehicle is unbelievable. Here it is: No brakes, i finally got them fixed after i missed a left turn on account of my not preparing far enough in advance. Indicating: The indicator stick has been broken off meaning every time i need to indicate i have to search around behind the wheel for an abrasive knob (no, not you Lleyton Hewitt). Paintwork: The silver paint is now pealing off to reveal a rainbow undercoat, just what i need to avoid police attention. Side Mirrors: One is missing completely while the other hangs on dearly by a length of duct tape, needless to say it’s purely ornamental. The Ignition: I might be revealing too much but you don’t exactly need a key to start it. A paddle pop stick would do the trick (only trusted friends know about that part, but i can trust you guys, right ... but seriously, if you do steal it make sure you torch it to maximise the insurance pay out, thanks guys i appreciate it). Perhaps the most fun is the window winder: Yes friends, there’s only one and everybody has to share (it’s a babe magnet!). But! As much as I bitch about this 630 000 Kms on the clock rust bucket, I’ve developed a fondness for my little engine that could. It’s no Rolls Royce but i think I’ll survive.
It’s a hard Spock Life Techno-Fix - Economic Crises
gaming with alan lee
Whether you’re at Uni for the first time, or just coming back for more punishment, you’ll quickly receive a sharp reminder about how expensive being a student is. But do not lose hope just yet, for I am about to use my considerable knowledge to potentially save you a few bucks in the inevitable computing area of your studies. Sure, you’re probably just thinking “torrents”, but even if I could legally condone them in print, let’s face it: they almost always have a virus, and considering the state of broadband in Australia, it’d probably be cheaper to buy the software than download it. Alright, the most important thing you’ll need is an office suite. As a student you’re entitled to the student edition of Microsoft Office which has the bare essentials for about $150, but that’s still a fair bit of dosh. Frankly, you’re probably better off checking out OpenOffice.org. This is a complete open-source office suite built on Java, and is quite mature and completely free. While the interface certainly isn’t as slick as Microsoft Office, it’s quite clean and the toolbars don’t do that infuriating “personalisation” thing that hides every option you’re looking for. If you’re into heavy Visual Basic and macro stuff, then OpenOffice.org probably isn’t for you, but if you’re just trying to write up an essay then it’s probably worth checking out. If you’re looking at building a new computer, rather than purchasing a packaged one, then there is actually an alternative to paying for Windows. Linux is another open-sourced solution that comes in many different flavours for free. For people new to Linux then Ubuntu is your best bet as it’s designed to help ease the transition. It comes with a whole range of programs packaged; one of which is the afore-mentioned OpenOffice. org, whilst also coming with a highly entertaining range of time-wasting mini-games that put Windows to shame.
For people who become comfortable with the alternative OS but want more of their Windows programs on it, WINE can be downloaded to simulate Windows for these programs. Linux has many bonuses over Windows in both relative obscurity and strong design. This is most apparent in security and stability. No anti-virus program is needed for Linux and you need not fear the Blue Screen of Death in the middle of your unsaved essay. Even if you want to keep Windows for now, you can simply install Ubuntu as a secondary OS, giving you the option of dual-booting. If you do persist with Windows however, anti-virus programs are essential. Unfortunately, the major brands not only cost a significant amount but they are so bloated in design that they can slow your computer down as much as any virus. Fortunately, there are up-and-comers available that are not only free but reliable in their need to prove themselves against established leaders. A popular program is AVG Antivirus, but it can be somewhat controversial and I much prefer Avast! Antivirus. The virus definition updates are tiny, even by dial-up standards and the program itself tends to be quite lean. It comes with a free 60-day trial period after which you simply need to go to their website and provide your name and email address for a year-long license key. Send all questions, complaints and viruses to cyanara@gmail.com. Joe Roberts (http://empireofxor.livejournal.com)
AN EYE FOR AN EYE The Distorted Face of Justice in the “Holy Land”
Angela McMillian
The land spanning between the Mediterranean Sea
and the Jordan River was once hailed as a paradise running thick with milk and honey. However, by some disastrous misfortune, it was promised to the adherents of two different religions, according to the doctrines of their faith. There has consequently been contention over whether much of this land should be Israel, defined by Jewish faith and heritage, or whether it should be the Islamic state of Palestine.
I
n 1948, following a UN Partition Resolution, the state of Israel was carved out of Palestine as a homeland for Jewish people. Jews began immigrating to the area en masse to escape persecution elsewhere, especially in Europe where the Holocaust claimed 6 million Jewish lives. However, the Islamic Arabs that had inhabited the area for centuries were outraged at this development, resulting in perpetual conflict in the area.
The world’s attention was once again drawn to this clash
during Israel’s 22-day assault on Gaza which began on December 27th 2008. When Israeli forces finally withdrew from the 43-km strip, containing one of the highest population densities on earth, the city had been reduced to wreckage. More than 1400 Palestinians, including 400 children, have been killed, and over 4000 buildings have been demolished, causing an estimated $3 billion (AUD) in structural damage. However, the more alarming damage is possibly to that of Middle Eastern morale and its already fragile relations.
There is currently a ceasefire in place, and urgent
negotiation is on the international agenda. However, many are sceptical that the ceasefire will last. Israel asserts its right to the land based on biblical promise in the Old Testament, and more recently, upon the sovereignty granted by the international community through the Partition Resolution of 1947. Israel further claims its expanded territory was achieved through defensive battles. Since its creation, Israel has fought wars and been victim to terrorist attacks both challenging its existence.
Gaza is a particularly disputed area because it was
claimed through the 1967 Arab-Israeli war. While it has since achieved partial autonomy through the signing of the Oslo Accords (1993), and the withdrawal of Israeli forces from settlements in 2005, Israel still asserts dominance over the strip that is home to 1.5 million Palestinians and a stronghold for most of the 15 000 Hamas fighters who desire complete independence.
H
amas is an Islamic resistance group that has plagued Israel for some time. It organises suicide attacks, and smuggles weapons into Gaza through extensive networks of tunnels across the Egyptian border. It is supported by Iran, which has the sworn objective of eradicating Israel as a country.
D
espite their terrorist methods, Hamas has achieved popular support in Gaza. They provide essential social services, such as building schools and hospitals. Through these social projects they accommodate the interests of their Islamic peoples. In 2007 Hamas won a parliamentary election, alarming the international community and triggering the establishment of an Israeli blockade on the Gaza strip. This blockade has had crippling effects on the economy and infrastructure, only allowing basic humanitarian aid to enter. On December 14th 2008 the fragile six-month Tahdiyah truce between Israel and Hamas collapsed following the refusal of Israel to lift the 18-month security measure blockade. Even before this fall-out, rockets had begun to hurtle indiscriminately into Southern Israel, killing four Israelis last year. hmud Olmert’s Israeli government felt a fully fledged ground invasion was necessary to end rocket fire and to destroy Hamas. Such an invasion reasserted Israel’s military strength, while sending a cautionary message to opposition groups like Hizbollah.
E
One must not forget the significance of political currents
in the Gaza invasion. The event has bolstered the Israeli government’s domestic approval, just before the critical Israeli election in February. Further, this assault occurred shortly before the inauguration of US President Barrack Obama, who, keen on repairing America Islamic relations, may not have been as supportive of the Israeli cause as previous President George W. Bush.
I
srael is the most modern, democratic country in the Middle East. It has a strong American allegiance, helping it breakthrough cultural differences with many moderate Arab countries. A Saudi-sponsored Arab Peace Plan promises security to Israel from twenty-two Arab nations if it withdraws the original borders before the 1967 Arab-Israeli War. Israel’s recent military actions have incited anger in the Arab world, and highlighted compassion for the Hamas cause. While this ground assault has injured Hamas’ standing, it has not eliminated it as the Israeli’s hoped.
I
srael’s invasion is considered by many as a gross overreaction because of the disproportionate amount of casualties. The Australian Government believes in a
continued from page 12... diplomatic solution and bemoans the loss of innocent life on both sides of the conflict. However, it supports both sides’ right to selfdefence and condemns all terrorist activities. Israel argues that Hamas uses civilians as a shield and should not achieve higher status in the Arab world for sacrificing others in their Holy War.
T
he list of back-andforth condemnations is extensive, but world powers now need to focus on formulating a workable solution that could halt this bitter cycle of accusation and vengeance. In reflection, the Israeli response was excessive. Yet, perhaps one should not differentiate greatly between the Israeli and Palestinian civilians who died. Individuals are not necessarily synonymous with the armies or governments that preside over the land. People should not be compared like fallen pawns on a chessboard to be equalised for the sake of justice; they are individual humans born into a nationality. An injury to human rights is an injury to all humanity.
Vengeance and violence
has resulted in the land of milk and honey, becoming a paradise lost that is running thick with blood and debris. Gandhi once observed, “An eye for an eye, and the whole world would be blind”. Justice already is, and people are perishing in a world without vision.
Who
cares
what think?
students
Shalley laslett “Nobody cares about a student paper,” she shouted over a full dinner table. I was outraged. Was she right to think that students do not understand politics or have enough knowledge to form a valid opinion? If she was, did others feel the same? Which got me ticking, who does really care about what students think? While we students are a bunch of mostly broke, often drunk individuals, we are a pivotal. Throughout history, students, have been the passionate risk takers and suffering lobbyists, uniting to pull back the stagnant layers of society and bring the new, and needed changes to the surface. Alright, so perhaps our role isn’t as romantic as that, but it sounded inspiring. Revolution anyone? The point is, you don’t have to be the expert to be right or have a valid opinion. Students whom have pushed for change in political and civil rights, environmental conservation, and universal freedoms, mostly opposing ideas of the experts, have frequently been right. You wouldn’t now question the students that against marched against conscription laws in the 70’s would you? The experts of the day did. Notable and often controversial Novelist Noam Chomsky, has detailed that, “The role of society is to impose on people the feeling that they are incompetent to deal with complex and important issues...” This is exactly the kind of thinking of those older generations which aimlessly shout, “Nobody cares about a student paper,” encourage. This Issues Issue section seeks to give students an opportunity to have their voices heard. These pages are dedicated to allowing them to express their opinion on current events, and question the so called experts, because whether they like it or not, the future is ours, even if we only get up after 11am.
Quirk News: For those strange happenings and often, stranger people that keep the psychological profession alive. Pushy or Polite? According to a recent UK Economic Behavioural Study, more British citizens than Americans died on the Titanic because they queued politely for lifeboats. The more individualistic Americans adopted an each for themselves approach, jumping queue in a disorderly fashion. One could imagine the Britons frowning disapprovingly and muttering ever so quietly, “How inconsiderate.” Instead of pushing to the front, better to be polite, dignified, and.... drowned! And they still wonder what happened to the Empire!?
The Clubs Association offices are located on the ground floor of the Lady Symon building, and our dedicated team will be on hand to answer any queries or help your club between 10 and 4 every weekday.
The Adelaide University Clubs Association is a group with a wide scope, catering to the needs of clubs and associations from a large variety of non-sporting backgrounds. The Clubs Association provides a great number of services for student organisations, ranging from simple services like providing grants to help clubs run events, to assuring that clubs have access to well maintained areas on campus for storage, running of events and other such needs at little to no cost. The Clubs Association is committed to making sure that student organisations, whether they be activity based, cultural, issue based, religious, faculty or departmental, or otherwise are able to operate and effectively run according to their aims. Whether you are into swing dancing or video games, films or chess, politics, drinking, theatre, or simply dressing up in funny clothes and pretending to stab people, the clubs association has a club that will cater to your needs. We have a large number of clubs dedicated to activities on campus that will help make your university life a bit more fun. No matter what you study, the Clubs Association will help you find a club suited to help you find others in your field. Whether you’re a scientist or a lawyer to be, there are many clubs that will help you create a structure for your social needs. If you are passionate about issues in society, there are many clubs that tackle the difficult task of supporting various causes. Ranging from political organisations, to social welfare, queer The Clubs Assocation can be issues, or political discussion, the contacted at by e-mail at clubs. Clubs Association caters to all those association@adelaide.edu.au, with a social conscience.
Information can be found at our website, www.auclubs.com.au.
The Clubs Association’s religious clubs cater for the student population’s wide range of faiths and spiritual beliefs. Religious and spiritual clubs work in a number of different ways. Some promote coming together, discussing and interpreting sacred religious texts, while others allow you to explore new aspects of your spirituality. Or if you lean toward the non-religious side of things, we have an atheist club to cater to your needs.
If your culture and heritage is important to you, the Clubs Association has a club for you, cultural clubs fall into two main categories. Some are designed for overseas students, allowing people from a particular country to gather and socialize. Other clubs focus on particular cultural areas of academia at Adelaide University. So whether you are looking for somewhere to feel that little bit more at home, or just simply can’t get your head around nouns having a gender, we can help. If, however, you feel that your particular needs aren’t catered for by any particular club, we strongly encourage you to form your own. The Clubs Association offices, the new clubs guide, and the clubs handbook will have all the resources you will need to start your own organisation on campus.
The Clubs Association also holds many events of its own. The annual O’Week stalls are a fantastic way to boost a clubs member base. Also, every year there is a weeklong celebration advertising the wide scope of the association called ‘clubs fest’. Consisting of a week of stalls, entertainment and fun, this is a wonderful opportunity for clubs to let their hair down and enjoy what the Association has to offer. Also, a ‘club of the year’ competition called the Clubs Cup is run annually with clubs entering teams in events like karaoke, sumo wrestling, pool, a quiz night, and other activities.
win win win thanks to future musical festical on dit has 2 vip passes to give away to students to win write a 350 word column about music - anything related to music the two best columns, as decided by the music sub-editors will win a pass
Email your column to onditmusic@gmail.com with subject title “future music fest comp”
by March the 1st to be in the running
GOOD LUCK
Sex, Drugs and wtf is happening with tertiary education?
By Lavinia Emmett-Grey I have a confession to make but I won’t tell you unless you promise to finish the third paragraph. Promise? Awesome. Sex and drugs have no relevance to this article. No, don’t stop reading, you promised! Okay, so I lied to you a little bit in the title, but it was just to get you to read about developments in the tertiary sector (ie unis, TAFE, etc) that actually affect YOU. And since I can’t hold your hand through this, and Obama says torturing people is bad, I had to lie, just a little. In June last year, the Federal government released a discussion paper for a Review of Higher Education. They appointed a panel to conduct the review which was led by Denise Bradley, a former Vice-Chancellor aka the Big Cheese of UniSA. This review process is known as the Bradley Review – imaginative, aren’t they? Bradley and her merry men then set about conducting consultations with stakeholders in the sector (excuse the bureaucrat speak – they met with vice-chancellors, students, academics, administrators) and produced a final report including recommendations which was made public in December last year. Yes, I know that at the end of this paragraph, you’ve held up your end of the deal, so I’ll explain how this affects you. In late February, the government will be responding as to what recommendations it will adopt as policy. The adopted recommendations will affect your education, everything from how much it costs, where you can study, the quality of your education, whether the government will provide you with income support ie Centrelink, etc. So, you can stop reading now and go stalk your ex on facebook, or you can keep reading and have an opinion. There are some good points. The Bradley paper supports higher government funding of the sector. The Bradley report says that by 2020, 40 per cent of those aged between 25 and 34 should have at least a bachelors degree. The present figure is 29 per cent. Australia is already slipping in the education of its population in a global arena, so this target is a welcome one. The recommendation to freeze potential increases in HECS is positive (considering most universities increased HECS by 25% back in 2003 when government policy changed). However, the report also suggests reintroducing Domestic Undergraduate Full Fee paying places (DUFFs), whereby students who are financially able to pay their fees upfront (with parental help usually), were able to get into university with up to a 10 point lower TER score. This was removed by the Labor government in June last year after 5 years of campaigning from the student movement. To reintroduce it would mean the reintroduction of education for profit, rather than based on merit. One of the other key concerning recommendations is in relation to the deregulation of places, also known as the voucher system. Currently the government sets a quota for the number of places at each university. The Bradley review proposes that the tertiary sector should become “student demand driven”, whereby every student would be able to study whatever course they wanted, wherever they want. There are a few problems with this. For example, Sydney University law could potentially boom, whereas courses such as nursing and teaching which have low interest would be neglected, which are priority areas. The government is in a caretaking role and it is only they who are in a position to identify growth employment areas, with all their access to national data. Another problem is that regional universities could suffer a loss of enrolments and courses would be lost, while the Group of 8 universities, the powerful sandstones, would benefit the most, effectively creating a two-tiered university system.
Bradley also suggests that vouchers could follow students to private universities as well as public ones, but when the government struggles to impose quality controls on private institutions to the same extent it can on public ones, and when these institutions have the main goal of profit, not education, this is another cause for concern. On welfare, the student movemenåt has the potential to get some real wins. The Bradley Review has a package of income support reforms, including increasing the parental income test for dependent students, indexing the parental income test to the Consumer Pricing Index which hasn’t occurred for over a decade, increase the Personal Income threshold hold from about $220 to $400 per fortnight and lowering the age of independence to 22. The only concerning point in this package is the removal of independence eligibility of earning $18k in 18 months. While this criterion has been exploited by some, its removal will mean that the only substantial way to qualify as independent from your family would be when you turn 22. The Bradley paper also recommends setting greater quotas for Indigenous students and students from low socio-economic backgrounds, however the paper offers very little in terms of solutions to the incredible bridging problems these students face in simply getting through high school and into university. International students get royally screwed in the review. The original discussion paper placed great emphasis on the importance of international students to the sector. Education is our third highest export so you’d think that this market-focused paper would have something to say about the consumers ie international students. There is bucket-loads of research available to say that international students are having a pretty piss-poor student experience. They face unique welfare issues which are compounded by the fact that the vast majority are studying in a new, different country, away from traditional support networks, like friends and family. However, the Bradley paper only makes 2 specific recommendations: that a sum total of 1000 scholarships be made available to international students doing postgraduate research degrees, a number which should be matched across the universities, and that visa conditions should be improved for spouses of international students. Okay, fine, but you’d think they’d have some further recommendations to improve our 3rd highest export, huh? Postgraduates get some well-earned attention. Students studying anything above honours are ineligible for government income support. Some postgraduate students are on government or university awards, which work out to about $20 000 per year, but many are not which means they have to somehow support themselves while studying. The Awards are also limited to 3 years, and every study into the subject says that the quality of postgraduate research is significantly worse if they are pressured to complete their papers in 3 years. The Bradley paper recommends that postgraduate awards be increased to $25 000 and that they are available for four years. It’s a good start, but not nearly good enough. It also recommends that Masters Coursework students should be eligible for income support which is a good start but not good enough. I hope that there’s something in this article that sparks your interest, because this will affect you whether you like it or not. Have an opinion – you’re paying for your education, whether it’s an upfront cost, or through HECS, so say something about it. It is the fundamental right of every person to have accessible and quality education.
If you want to know more, or get involved, contact me at lavinia.emmett-grey@adelaide.edu.au.
-Meat doesn’t grow on trees - enviromental vegetarianism
by sam ryam
If someone told you there was a way for you to live longer, decrease the amount of land used for agriculture, have fewer cancers, and help stop global warming, would you be interested to know how? In a word, the answer is vegetarianism. Before you stop reading and turn to your friend to make fun of dodgy dread locked tofu-eaters strapping themselves to trucks in Tasmania whilst they live in sexually promiscuous shanty-towns in old-growth forests, educate yourself on some of the many benefits of no longer eating things that fart. This article is not about being a hardcore vegan who freaks out if a knife that is cutting their tomatoes once cut a chicken fillet, nor will it pester you to scrutinize every single ingredient of the things you eat. All this article is trying to do is let people know the impact their dietary choices make, and that even a small decrease in the quantity of meat consumed can make a huge difference to the amount of pressure we put on the world. It has been calculated that if citizens of the US ate 10 per cent less meat every year, the grain that would have been fed to those animals could sustain an extra 100 million people. Obviously this argument is not in favor of decreasing meat consumption so that more people can live on earth, but reducing the amount of land used for agriculture.
However, for me, the real reason I became a vegetarian only a few months ago: The Environment. I do not think it is possible for everyone on earth to eat meat. A vast number of people in less developed countries are lucky to see a morsel of meat once a week, whilst many Australians and people from other Western countries seem to eat it in every meal. By far the easiest way to decrease your impact on the environment is to stop or at least decrease eating meat. You don’t have to find alternate forms of transport, spend lots of money on retrofitting your house with solar, replace inefficient washing machines or install a compost bin (though it would be great if you did). All you have to do is buy less meat when you go to the supermarket, and if there is a tasty sounding vegetarian option at a restaurant or the café, choose that instead. So, next week try cutting one or two meat meals out if your diet, invest in a vegetarian cookbook- you will be very surprised about how easy it is and will feel better physically. It’s also nice to know you’re not contributing to the worlds problems as much.
By Sam Ryan
enjoying the juxtaposition of the i love lucy, and french cow layout?
Worldwide, two-thirds of agricultural land is used for animal grazing or to grow crops that will be fed to animals. It just so happens that animals are terrible converters of energy, with around 5kg of grain needed to produce 1kg of beef. In fact, a UN report on Food and Agriculture showed that global animal agriculture contributed more greenhouse gases than all forms of transportation. A Japanese study also found that eating a kilogram of beef was equivalent to leaving all the lights in your house on while you went for a three-hour drive. So maybe you agree that eating vegetables and grains would probably have less of an impact on the planet than eating meat, but Veggos are always getting sick because they don’t get enough protein or essential vitamins and minerals. As Sam Neill said, “Red Meat. We were meant to eat it.” An interesting argument, though slightly biased in that the Meat and Livestock Australia Company paid it for in full. Whilst it may be true that our ancestors benefited by eating the meat, prehistoric man did quite a bit of stuff we wouldn’t do now. What Sam Neill forgot to mention is that red meat has been found to have a high level of association with many forms of cancer including but not limited to; stomach, prostate, breast, colon, and liver cancers, as well as cerebrovascular disease. Sam also forgot to say that vegetarians have lower cholesterol and blood pressure, fewer incidences of diabetes, heart disease, osteoporosis, dementia and have a lower body mass index. Hang on you say - what about protein? Surely you can’t ignore protein! It turns out that various vegetables are actually very rich sources of protein, not that the levels of protein we pump into ourselves are even necessary anyway. I am not talking about fancy vegetables either like lentils, eggplant or chickpeas. It is possible to get the same amount of protein from a 500-calorie meal of tomatoes, spinach, lima beans, peas and potatoes as it is from a meal of equal energy made up of beef, pork, chicken and milk. In fact, it is possible to get absolutely everything the body needs purely from vegetables, fruits, seeds and nuts - except vitamin B12. Ironically though, whilst most people absorb this vitamin indirectly through meat, which is created by bacteria in the soil and is then ingested through plants, many sheep and cattle in Australia are fed supplements because our soils do not contain enough of it, so why not just eat the vitamin yourself?
if you're keen on learning more about on dit email clare, steph and vincent via
ondit @adelaide. edu.au Kudos to our contributors, columnist, feature writers and subbies for making the first edition possible - eds
Literature Welcome to the new year of books. In this issue I have some of my favourite books for those of you on a budget. Who am I kidding? We’re all on a budget, especially with the start of the new year of uni and many text books to purchase. But this will become a semi-regular occurring section, where books that you can buy when on a budget will be recommended to you. In keeping with the theme of University Survival, I have decided to include something which will hopefully help all you newbies out and perhaps suggest some new ideas for you continuing students about where to do your tutorial readings when you have left them to the last minute. One thing which is a little controversial that I have allowed in, is my fellow book retailer Ellie’s little rant about Twilight. Now don’t hate me all you rabid Twilight fans, I’ve included it because it does illustrate the frustrations that many retail assistants in bookstores feel when it comes to this series. Over the next few issues I will be introducing some new regular articles including a new author feature every week. Also, because we have such great issue themes, there will be at least one article which ties in with the theme each issue. Enjoy the year, don’t hesitate to comment or offer book suggestions or reviews. Emails are always welcomed. Send to ondit.literature@gmail.com.au.
It’s basically a window into teenage hell, where you’re agonising over a guy who you know (or at least you feel) is too good for you, and because you’re a teenager, with all those hormones swishing about inside, you are making the feeling ten times more intense then it should be. However due to the fact that it is easy to read, all those people who don’t normally read have been able to pick the book up and get into it. It has become the teen/chick lit version of The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, where the writing style kinda sucked, but it was so easy to read that everyone, even those who don’t like to read have been able to pick it up and breeze through it. So far Stephenie Meyer, the author of this annoying series, has sold 25 million copies of the four books in the saga. The sales are continuing to rise, with reprints occurring again, just in Australia to meet with the demand. In some countries, the Twilight series has surpassed Harry Potter sales. The fourth book alone sold 1.3 million copies the on its first day of release in the United States. She must be feeling pretty happy with herself. I overheard two teeny boppers chatting to one another over by the Twilight display the other day. One said to the other: “I can’t wait to read Twilight.” “You hate reading!” “Yeah, but I’m going to imagine myself as Bella and think of Robert Pattinson biting me.” Enough said. The Literature Sub-editor would like to firmly state that she is a fan of the series and while sick of being asked if the series is in stock, still likes to read the books. Top Ten Places to do Your Tutorial Readings (When you’ve forgotten that your tute is the next day) Compiled by Pandora
gestion. The Barr Smith Lawns are a perfect place to do your readings in between lectures and tutes. It’s shady, yet slightly sunny so you can do some sun bathing while being a good student also.
10. The Bus – This is the old faithful of places to do your readings. I myself have been known to complete my tutorial readings on the bus ride into uni. It’s a time saver as well as being truly time efficient. I mean, what do you do on the bus anyway?
5. The Toilet – I had never considered this one before a friend suggested this (you know who you are!). When I thought about this, it is a great place to do your readings. It’s quiet and mainly peaceful. Just remember to wash your hands afterwards.
I blame Spunk Ransom for the fact that I now know most postcodes for South Australian suburbs off by heart due to taking details for pre-orders of the Twilight series.
9. The Library – I know, I know, it’s a cliché, but, it does have its uses. If you’ve forgotten the reader or just need some peace and quiet, this is the best place to go.
For those of you out there who are wondering who the hell Spunk Ransom is, well, it is Robert Pattinson the apparently “dreamy” lead actor in the film adaption of Twilight. The name stems from an interview Pattinson did for MTV a while ago, but his entire fan base refer to him with this name (see interview with Pattinson and co-star Kristen Stewart for full explanation http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=BFe75htu8ms ).
8. Food Courts – My favourite place to do readings. It combines boring readings with delicious, fattening and unhealthy food. What more does a person want?
4. Uni Bar – Ahh, the Uni Bar. It brings back such wonderful memories from first year. It’s always great fun to realise after several drinks that you’ve got a tute the next day and you’ve not done the readings just yet ... and you’re only on your fifth beer.
Now you’re probably wondering why, in a literature page, I’m blaming a Hollywood actor (and I use the term “actor” loosely) for the fact that I’m sick of the Twilight series which has become a worldwide phenomenon almost over night. And really, I probably shouldn’t be, but I’m sick and tired of tweeny boppers and Twilight mummies asking about the series and sighing over the movie. On the other hand, if he wasn’t such a successful Edward (the vampire main character) we wouldn’t be in this predicament now, so actually, I will blame him. I personally read the books ages ago. So long ago that it was in the original, pre-apple in white hands cover. It was ok, even if I thought that the main character was a little bit whiney. However, it has now become a joke. Acutally, the fact that a biography of Robert Pattinson has come out has tipped the joke into the ridiculous. Jeez, he’s what, 22 years old? What can there be to write about him that is interesting?
7. At the Gym – I’ve never tried this, as I don’t exercise, but I’ve been told by many gym junkie friends that exercising and doing tutorial readings is a great way to do all your chores at once and then it leaves time for you to do fun things after. Especially if you’re one of those people who like to get up early and grab a gym session in the morning before uni, you don’t have to worry about cutting your gym time short. Just do the reading while doing your squats!
Ask any retail assistant who works in books, they’ll tell you the same thing. They’re sick of Twilight and its sequels. The fascination with this is series is confusing. It’s really not that great a book in terms of writing style or even plot. It’s basically girl meets handsome guy. Guy turns out to be a vampire who wants to drink her blood and kill her. Instead he overcomes this compulsion just to have another vampire want to drink her blood instead.
6. Barr Smith Lawns – Who wants to be cooped up inside on a beautiful day? Well, apparently it’s just me, but oh well, here’s another sug-
Cheers, Alicia I Blame You Spunk Ransom! By Ellie I blame Spunk Ransom for the fact that every time someone (probably a girl, but also the odd guy) over the age of 35 or under the age of 25 comes in and asks “Do you have the Twilight series?”. I blame Spunk Ransom for making me sick of the Twilight Saga due to the fact that it’s become so popular that it sold out everywhere for several weeks and I’ve had to tell every second customer that it’s sold out (in person or on the phone).
3. At family functions – “Aww shucks. I’m really sorry Aunt Shirley. I can’t sit in a corner with you and listen to your fascinating stories about your pustules even though I’d love to. I’ve got heaps of uni readings to do. Cousin George is free and he graduated last year. I know he’d love to hear about your bowel movements. “ 2. At work – Who hasn’t had the urge to completely ignore your job and just do your uni work? If you have a job where you can just pretend to serve customers, but in actual fact can be staring at your readings online, or be sitting at a desk supposedly taking calls, but actually doing your readings, good on you! Get paid to do your uni work by all means! 1.
In Bed – What more can be said?
A is for arts students. You know, the confused ones with fear
in their eyes, later to become the confused ones with sleep in their eyes.
B is for books. Make sure you get what you need early on,
they’ll make you look smart and help prop up wonky tables plus you can sell them come 2nd year when they’re obsolete paperweights
C is for contraception. ie condoms. Because despite the love that blossoms in o’week, you really don’t want to spend your first weeks at uni waiting for that other test result to come back. D is for dumpling king, located just behind the entrance gate to Chinatown. Long live msg, farewell stomach lining, your delicious fried pork dumplings will be the death of us all. E is for engineers. Unless you have the urge to contract liver
P is for the popeye, where you
of O’Week & Student Life in General
too can join in drinking an entire failure, enjoy being cling-wrapped to a wheelie bin or are keg of beer in 15 minutes on the already a full-blown alcoholic, keep a safe distance from these torrens. I’ll see you there. mathematical hooligans. They do however hold epic bbq’s with free beer, sausages and even potato salad. Q is a bullsht letter who doesn’t get a listing. No body like you F is for your friends, who old or new, will get you through the ‘Q’, stop being so difficult. Who’s idea was it anyway to write best and worst times campus life has to offer. an alphabetical o’guide?
G is for godless, your friendly atheists who hold competing R is for the refectory. Once a defiantly thrifty slop-line the free bbq’s with the Evangelical Union (EU); the winner: You, the food is now actually edible, although at the detriment of impoverished academic. bargain-bin prices. Inversely you can try Rumours (above the UniBar) where they cut the crusts off the caviar sandwiches drizzled with champagne. H is for HECS. Your newest financial aid. International Students, Mature Agers and Lexus-driving yuppies need not apply. S is for sleep and sunshine. Try to get some of both, particularly is your serotonin levels are suspiciously low. I is for indecent exposure. Don’t wear short skirts and high heels due to the stairs at adelaide, unless you’re into that kind T is for the torrens. Provides duck feeding for when bored. Do of thing. It’s embarassing for you and unpleasant for the rest of not fall in under any circumstances, you will catch trench foot us. All I’m saying is we can see your breakfast. and die a slow horrible death. J is for job. Unless you start selling organs (owner unspecified) U is for the unibar, your new home away from home. Cheap or submitting yourself for unusual and risky post-grad medical beer, cheaper cider and the best cips & mushroom gravy this studies you’re going to need one of these. Call centres are side of North Terrace. Also it’s ambling distance from your nice. Freelance recycling collector less-so. lectures and tutorials. K is for Kim, the amazing Union Office lady who knows the answer t pretty much anything and everything uni related.
V is for vom sesh. See flavored milk chugging, keg stands and passion pop. File under bad ideas.
L is for library tours. These are a really good idea if you want to pass your course. The reading room is pretty too, but be sure to leave a trail of breadcrumbs. I swear I lost several days trying to find my way back.
W is for wankery, of which you will no doubt come across in abundance, particularly if you pursue that Arts major in philosophy.
M is for mi goreng, your other newest financial aid. Sure it rots
your stomach lining, but at 7 cents a packet think of all the extra textbooks/rent/alcohol you can afford! Same goes for berocca. It may get you through the day after, but take it like the ad says and you’ll be in ulcer-city.
N is for the National Wine Centre, who bought up the food services and hiked up prices. Admittedly they did do us a sweet deal on staff party drink coupons. O is for On Dit, your new favorite publication and gateway to the palace of wisdom (just left off the road to excess)
X is for buried treasure. Y is for a generation of bright young things without a clue what they’re doing with their degress, or HECS debts for that matter. Try and make a plan now, even if it changes it’s better than realizing you’ve accidently become a mature aged student. Z is for zan the ginger engie. He’s been heritage listed he’s been here so long.
Vincent Coleman