6 Things Collegiate Ladies Without Moms Know to be True
Every girl who loves Gilmore Girls knows that Lorelai and Rory Gilmore are motherdaughter goals. However much we would love that relationship, going to college may not just mean freedom from curfews and the addition of independence, it may also lead to less time for mom. It is easy to occasionally ignore a phone call because you know that you can always call her again. It is easy to forget to call her once a week just to talk about your day, to rely on your girlfriends over your mom when you are having boy problems, to slowly grow apart. Some girls, however, live more of D.J. Tanner’s life – without the live-in uncles – and all they wish for is to hear their mother’s voice one more time. It is never easy to lose a parent. Sometimes we lose them to death, to divorce, or to abandonment. No matter what, growing up as a girl without a mom is incredibly difficult. I lost my mom when I was twelve and it still hurts at twenty. People can say that it gets easier, but it’s an experience that not everyone understands. Here are some things that have become painfully obvious during my time in college.
1. Your dad becomes your best friend
Oddly enough you learn to go to your dad for everything. He is the one that you call when you’re stressed. He is the one that you go to when you’re mad and you hate the world. Unfortunately, he’s also the only one you can go to when you need birth control. But at the end of the day he’s the person you want to talk to after a bad day. He’s the person that will give you the best advice. For some, he’s the one who stayed. For others, he’s the only one left. You hold onto to your dad and you don’t want to live of a life of regret because you hid things from him.
2. You have a “mom-friend” (or 2 or 3)
Okay so you don’t necessarily tell your dad everything. Who can withstand the embarrassment of calling her dad when the guy you went on a date with can’t kiss? Or even worse, when the guy you went on a date with was a total fuckboy? No thank you. I love you dad, but I have my girlfriends for that. My best friends knew about my now boyfriend when he was just the guy I was talking to. My dad learned about him a couple days after and it was an awkward “so I’m seeing this guy” phone call. My best friends are the ones that I sit around with and talk about periods, sex, and bras with because you know a dad just doesn’t want to hear that kind of stuff.
3. It’s fine to complain about your mom I know that not everyone has the perfect mom. I was blessed to have the mom that I had. I know that some people have issues with their moms and while I encourage everyone to try and make amends with their mothers, I understand that is not always possible. I am always here for you. If you’re complaining about your mother because she cares, yes, I will remind you that you’re being ungrateful. If your mother is genuinely being awful, I will listen. I will care. I will not tell you that I am envious or that I would wish to have your mom. People have the right to not get along with their mothers and I am not so self-righteous that I will try and stop you.
4. “Your mom” jokes are NOT funny
This one is more personal, and I think this goes without saying, but I will. These jokes need to stop. I cannot think of a single person outside of middle school who genuinely thinks those jokes are funny. They are rude. They are crude. They are unnecessary. You never know if a person has a mother and if I make a comment about something, I don’t want to hear “your mom.” If you tell me that then I will, and I have done this, look you in the eyes and say, “my mom died when I was 12.” Granted most people who know me know to not use those jokes and will stop themselves or apologize. At the end of the day, it is still rude to make those jokes. Just don’t make them. Please.
5. Sometimes I wish I had a stepmom Again, this one is more personal, but there are some days when I wish I had a step-mom. I lost my mom at 12 and so I while I had the period talk with my mom (granted I was very embarrassed and I didn’t want to have it), I did not have the sex talk with anyone. My dad dropped me off at college and – I kid you not –told me, “I’ll tell you the same thing I told your brother and sister. You’re in college.
Have fun. Just don’t make me a grandfather.” There have also been several cases when he asked me if I wanted birth control and once he asked me if he “needed to make an appointment with a lady doctor to have [my] plumbing checked.” I loved and still do love my mom with my whole heart. I would never want to replace her. I would never want to have anyone try and replace her, but I genuinely needed a woman to talk to during a lot of high school. My sister was the first girl to be born in 75 years on my dad’s side, so you can kind of guess that he does not have too much experience with girls growing up. I applaud and love my dad for trying, but sometimes a girl needs a mom to help her with the girlie moments in her life. I feel bad for wanting a step-mom, but I also know that there were some moments in high school that I needed a female parent.
6. Some days are harder than others. Please respect that. Everyone has days that hurt more than others: birthdays, Mother’s Day, death anniversaries. These days are days that bring pain and it’s hard to talk about them. If we mention it, that’s fine. Personally, I choose the people I talk to about these days. It is not personal; it is because there are certain people I am more comfortable speaking to about this. I can talk to my family (though we rarely do), I can talk to my best friends from elementary school, and I can talk to my boyfriend. I just really do not like talking to most people about it. Why? It’s hard. That’s the only reason I need. At some point, my sister became my mother. I could never appreciate this because I wanted my mom. There were a lot of fights growing up that went along the lines of “YOU’RE NOT MY MOM!” “WELL I’M THE CLOSEST THING YOU’VE GOT!” Even with the perfect dad and with a motherly sister, I will still always have a void in my heart from not having my mother. It was a pain that hit me very deeply and while there are days that aren’t bad, there are a lot of days that aren’t good. I’ve sobbed in my room and told my roommates that the redness and puffiness were from getting soap in my eyes. I have been held by my boyfriend during a movie because I just could not handle it. I know I am not alone. And if you’re going through this. I promise you’re not either.