Spiral

By Qaphile Langa

To tumble down tongue-first into traumas already lived. Tantalizing flavours of tragedy and broken promises. The pressure to be and be all the time, how else do I say it?

“I AM NOT OKAY”

To be Alice tripping into a manhole instead... Devastatingly detached from the individual, I live with the dangers of an open mind, I-this: I-that. Everything about myself that I loathe.

“I AM SO TIRED”

To wake up suddenly in this cage of 4 limbs. Feelings, and I mean all of them, seep through the skin and the soul dares to be more than flesh and bone.

I think at some point in my youth I must have asked God to be a storyteller and she proceeded to put me through It. Though it hasn’t all been bad, several experiences have had me cackling in disbelief, “It just can’t be...”

After a deep introspection in the previous year, bouts of depression, and a cursed luck, I was careful not to claim 2021 as my year of triumph. The chaos carried over and uncertainty seemed to be the only guarantee.

It’s January... I’ve lost nearly a third of my body weight. Financially, “ikati lilele eziko” and my academic persuit is hanging by a thread. Loneliness, echoed by a haunting silence, festers like a cold sore. The fatigue persisted through the first half of the year and anxiety held me hostage.

For a while it seemed like I would not make it, until I realized I was holding my own breath. The body is a temple I had long since abandoned; stuck in my head and dwelling in consequence. The epiphany hit like the first drop of rain in a desert - an urge to replenish my soul and assume control. No one else was coming to save me. Apologies to the self were long overdue.

I found restoration and a more intricate level of self acceptance in creation - working as though my life depended on it! While the journey of healing is still ongoing, I am not short of gratitude for how far I have come. I would like to thank faith for turning grief into a paperweight. To thank me for being me.

WRITTEN BY QAPHILE LANGA COURTESY OF AESTHETIKSELEKTOR PHOTOGRAPHED BY CHAMAELEON Q & ABONGILE MAYANA