DR. KEVIN SNYDER
SCARS SCARS ARE
BEAUTIFUL
Last year, I wrote an article titled, “Few Talk, Many Affected: My Story With Sexual Assault,” revealing I was a victim of sexual assault nearly 20 years ago while traveling as a fraternity leadership consultant. The person who assaulted me was a chapter advisor I viewed as a mentor. I was 23 years old and believe he was in his late forties. The assault took place during one of my consultant visits roughly 1,000 miles away from our headquarters. This alumnus lived in the area I was visiting and invited me to his house for dinner. What began as an invitation to grill tuna steaks on his pool deck ended up being a horrific night forever engraved in my memory. As I wrote the article, I was uncertain and nervous about how my message would be received --- not just by readers that do not know me but also by colleagues, friends, and family. What would they think? At the time of the attack, I had never heard of a man being sexually assaulted by another man. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, angry, disgusted, weak, naive, and confused all at once. I felt weak for not being strong enough to protect myself. I felt naive for going to his house in the first place. I felt everything was my fault. Since I didn’t want anyone to know, I also felt alone. My self-imposed social stigma was powerful enough to silence me. 17 PERSPECTIVES Issue #2
Last year, nearly 20 years later, I finally decided it was time to speak out. I was inspired by students willing to share their stories of adversity and trauma after I spoke on their campuses. I was compelled to write the article in hopes of providing a seemingly absent male survivor voice to the mainstream media discourse about sexual assault. In my article I shared why I waited so long to reveal the incident and why I could not remember certain details. I also shared insights about how to support survivors and play a role in helping prevent assault from occurring. My story did not end the day I was assaulted, nor did it end when I decided to post last year’s article. My story still continues and I hope my story never ends because I desire to use my experience for good and to help others. I have never wanted to relive what happened that night. However, the process of writing and rewriting the article forced me to mentally go back to that evening and dig up what I had buried for almost twenty years. As I relived the pain, I realized I had not yet fully processed my assault experience. I always thought by not talking about it, I could eventually forget about it. I have now come to terms with the reality that I will never be able to forget what happened. I cannot change it. I cannot erase the experience - and that is OK. To find meaning and purpose out of a tragedy and not let it break you is powerful in itself.
