Mental Health Moment

YOUR TIME TO CARE

Being There for Your Aging Parent While Taking Care of Yourself

by Jodi H. Underhill, MEd. LMHC

The time comes for many of us–sometimes suddenly, other times gradually–when our parent becomes more like a child. For some, there are mental changes in the way a parent’s capabilities to deal with their everyday lives. For others, there are physical changes brought on by illness or disease. In either of these cases many of us become fully or totally responsible for the very ones who have been there for these adult children since birth. Some call this “role reversal” while many refer to this transition as adult children becoming “caregivers.”

In most families “the talk” never takes place as to what the wishes of the parent may be for themselves as they age or who will be taking on the responsibility of caring for them. Over time illness, whether physical or mental, dictates that the adult child becomes the one to make the decisions for their care, living arrangements, financial issues and most importantly the primary contact person for dealing with their elderly parent’s daily life whether the parent is at home, in the hospital or in a nursing home or senior complex. For this adult individual, how they deal with this role may very well depend on many issues: childhood relationship with the parent, caretaker’s current status in their own lives, family support, relationship with their parent prior to their current loss of physical and or mental capabilities. Regardless of these issues, being a caretaker or experiencing “role reversal” with your parent dictates many changes in the life of the caregiver to which they must compensate and develop coping skills in order to navigate the needs of these roles which are more complicated than they may initially appear to be defined.

Often, those who have not had a good relationship with the parent that they must now care for have complications of the feelings of resentment, anger, and having never felt loved or safe enough as children. The now aging parent may have been overwhelmed with their own lives through work, divorce, their own family of origin or mental health concerns. As the responsibilities mount (for example, the nursing home calling often with the parent’s concern or complaints) the anger and resentment from these childhood issues may mount, making it more difficult for the caretaker to even feel their declining parent deserves their time and attention. Also, if there was another child in the family who was viewed as “golden” by the parent, at least in the perception of the caretaker, anger and frustration may disrupt the ability to attend to the elderly parent’s need due to dysfunction between siblings.

Even if the childhood or current relationship between the elderly parent and his/her caretaking child is good, the increasing needs of the parent are difficult for many to incorporate into their daily lives. In addition, unlike little children who we accommodate and remind of needed skills constantly, the elderly parent is not going to become stronger in these skills as a young child does. As time goes by, they are to decline more and the caretaker will be called upon to become more patient, kind, responsive to their needs and develop a relationship with a changing person who was once the one they looked to for learning, support and love. Some parents with dementia do even forget their children at some point and these caretakers need to continue to give the parent all the respect, support and love they are capable of. Most experts suggest that this type of support of the elderly parent continue, despite their decline so that role reversal does not really become part of the relationship. While declining in skills, whether