HIS Story as History - Take the Time to Learn More About Your Dad

by Beth Douglas

How many of us have a dad whose history we know next to nothing about? Sometimes we get so caught up in day-to-day living, we don’t take the time to stop and have in-depth conversations with our loved ones. I was one of those daughters who really didn’t know much about my father until very late in his life, when I decided to make a concerted effort to sit and ask the questions to learn all of the stories he had to share.

My dad was a banker and was the classic introvert – a man of few words. Later on in life, he suffered from Lewy Body dementia. I remember sitting with him while he struggled to complete a story he was trying to tell me. At times, he would lose his train of thought. I knew the stories were in there. If I was patient and encouraging, he could sometimes piece them together.

Thankfully, during the last six months of his life, I got to know my father. Better late than never, I decided. I would sit on the living room floor next to him as he sat in his reclining chair, gently rest my hand on his, and ask him questions about his childhood. Even if he didn’t remember what he’d had for breakfast that day, he could remember the names of the streets he grew up on as a kid and the names of all of his childhood friends. I loved the idea that a rich wealth of stories still dwelled in him. Each one was like a treasure and as long as I was willing to slowly, gently pull each one out, I was allowed into that precious realm where his memories resided.

I watched his eyes brighten when he realized he still remembered details from when he was a kid. When I would remark, “Wow! It’s great that you still remember that!” I could feel his sense of worth growing. After all, someone recognized that he was still in there and someone wanted to listen. Someone cared. We connected.

I learned so much and decided instead of focusing on memories or abilities were lost to recognize and celebrate the amazing gifts that were still present. As each individual is so wonderfully complex, there are countless layers to our essence, our being, and our experiences.

During my journey with my dad, I also discovered later that the art of redirecting was one of the techniques for handling delusional thinking in those with dementia.

I also had learned basics of these things:

• Speaking slowly and clearly

• Physical contact – my hand on his hand

• Eye contact – welcoming, warm (match their emotion)

• Non-threatening tone continued on page 18

• Addressing concerns and presenting alternative things/activities to redirect

• Using music to recreate memories and positive, feel good feelings

For me, my dad’s dementia journey was bitter sweet. It pained me to see him hurting, but I loved the fact that I was able to help…able to listen…able to soothe…able to connect. I loved that I was able to hear some of my dad’s childhood stories while he was still able to communicate.

So why not reach out to your Dad and have some conversations to learn more about him? Ask him things about his childhood and what it was like for him growing up during his formative years. Who were the most influential people in his life? Why did he choose the job he did? What are some of his favorite childhood memories? How did he meet your mother?

Our legacy is the stories we leave behind and the lives that we touch. Honor your father by learning his stories and let him know that you are interested in knowing about his journey. You just might be pleasantly surprised by the response that you receive.

Honor your Dad. Connect and learn HIS stories as part of his HIStory!

Beth Douglas is an experienced marketing communications professional who is passionate about promoting quality, compassionate senior healthcare. She is a contributing writer and independent contractor/Douglas Design & Marketing.