ALLISON HENRY | Work Samples allison.n.henry@gmail.com
I am a designer and researcher, pursuing the fusion of my two passions – bigpicture research and real, ground-up problem solving using design thinking. In my current role as a Research Analyst at Regional Plan Association (RPA), I have co-authored several reports on technology’s disruption of conventional transportation planning that offer policy guidance to planners and regulators. My work will soon be published in RPA’s Fourth Regional Plan in November 2017. Ask me about autonomous vehicles, on-demand ride services, and how to bring our bus and subway systems into the 21st century! After developing expertise on the impacts of technology on society, I now seek a job that will enable me to grow a deeper understanding of how humans interact with technology. My professional experiences span design, strategy, research, and education. My favorite part of design thinking is that it drives teams to tap into the imagination they didn’t know they had. An ideal position will allow me to draw upon my experiences facilitating design thinking workshops for arki_lab, meeting with community and industry stakeholders at RPA, and visualizing information as Design Editor at The Eye. As an avid reader, attender of exhibitions and lectures, and explorer of urban space, I find creative inspiration in my environment in New York City. On the weekend, you can find me biking along Brooklyn’s Eastern Parkway en route to a far-flung corner of NYC for a tasty treat!
ALLISON HENRY Mobile : 610.945.4548 Email : allison.n.henry@gmail.com Twitter: @allison__henry WORK EXPERIENCE 2016, 17 Research Analyst, Regional Plan Association (RPA) 2016 Exhibition Design Intern, The Guggenheim Museum 2016 Urban Omnibus Project Assistant, Architectural League of NY, NYC 2015 Research & Media Intern at Sam Schwartz Traffic Engineering Consultancy, NYC 2015 Intern at arki_lab ApS, Copenhagen, DK 2014 Freelance Graphic Designer at LEITZES&CO Creative Marketing Consultancy, NYC 2014 Intern at Hall Architects, Sarasota, FL 2014 Senior Design Editor, The Eye Magazine, NYC 2013, 14 Lead Program Assistant at Great Books Summer Program, Amherst & Stanford EDUCATION 2012-16 Bachelor of Arts in Urban Studies, Specialization in Architecture - Columbia University, New York, NY 2015 Danish Institute for Study Abroad, Urban Design, Copenhagen, Denmark AWARDS 2015 European Institute Undergraduate Summer Fellow, Columbia University 2013 Winner, Columbia College First-Year Essay Competition, Published in Morningside Review PUBLICATIONS 2017 New Mobility: Autonomous Vehicles and the Region | RPA (To be published November 2017) 2017 Upgrading Surface Transit: New Connections and Service | RPA (To be published November 2017) 2017 Transforming the Subway: Bringing NYC’s Metro System into the 21st Century | RPA (To be published November 2017) 2016 The Magnate-Messiah of the Upper West Side | Urban Omnibus 2016 Mapping Gowanus Today, Imagining Gowanus Tomorrow | Urban Omnibus 2016 Man of the Crowd: Edgar Allen Poe, Bronx Hero | Urban Omnibus 2013 The Mistress-Maid Relationship: A Cinderella Story | Morningside Review ACADEMIC PROJECTS 2016 Transnational Danish Architecture Firms in New York City (Bachelor’s Thesis Project) 2015 Pedestrian Perceptions of Safety on Flatbush Avenue: Meeting Vision Zero 2015 Identity Politics in the Growing, Creative City: A Case Study of Philadelphia Mural Arts Program 2015 Redesign of Hans Tavsens Park, Copenhagen, DK 2014 Conception, Critique, and Defense of Brasília’s Modernism: An Intellectual History
SKILLS (
= Fluent ) Adobe Photoshop
Microsoft PowerPoint
Adobe InDesign
Microsoft Excel
Adobe Illustrator
Wordpress
SketchUp
Salesforce
AutoCad
Woodshop tools
ESRI GIS ArcMap
Metalworking tools
Microsoft Word
French
Vectorworks
Danish
THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS....
Design Thinking
Developing a Publication with arki_lab
arki_lab is a Copenhagen-based urban design firm that specializes in creating tools for urban design thinking workshops at schools. They wanted to bring their method and philosophy to the world, and they asked me to help them in the initial stages of organizing a publication. I decided there was no better way to decide on a branding strategy for a design thinking firm than using the technique myself. I analyzed the firm’s portfolio, participated in arki_lab’s school workshops, and conducted staff workshops to witness first hand how they work. At the conclusion of my time with arki_lab, I wrote a synopsis and partial introduction to the book for arki_lab to share with publishers. arki_lab staff finished what I started, publishing Designing Cities with Young People in 2016. The book profiles the firm’s design philosophies for citizen involvement and inclusion of children in imagining a future for urban spaces.
EMPATHIZE
“Who is arki_lab?” I organized arki_lab’s portfolio of work into categories to understand every side of the firm’s identity.
The finished product!
IDEATE
DEFINE
“How does arki_lab define arki_lab?” I divided staff into teams and asked them to work together to answer questions on a worksheet that I designed.
“What is the unique perspective that arki_lab can communicate in this book?” Using documentation from their group sessions, I pinned each staff member’s ideas to the board and presented my findings. Then the staff voted with stickers on their favorite ideas.
Smoothing Urban Edges
Rethinking Hans Tavsens Park
Circulation
Nørrebro Neighborhood
Building Use Assistens Cemetery
PEDESTRIANS BIKES CARS
COMMUNITY SCHOOL RESIDENTIAL ELDERLY COMMERCIAL
Assistens Cemetery Nørrebroruten (Den Grønne Sti)
HANS TAVSENS PARK
Dronning Louises Bro
n te
ru
bro
rre
Nø
Nørreport Station
Nørrebro
Hans Tavsens Park connects Assistens Cemetery to the Nørrebro neighborhood of Copenhagen. The current segregated circulation through the park calls for a new directionality: encouraging
Site Plan
people across the space by pushing the earth up and down, molding the landscape to include hill and valley features. The new, atypical Danish topography facilitates whim and cohesive play in an otherwise flat space dotted with isolated play equipment. Valleys become skate parks and water features; hills become slides, benches, and areas for elevated viewing. Buildings are mixed use for integrated activity. Rerouted bike paths allow free pedestrian movement across the park, guided only by the curiosity of what lies beyond the hill.
Pedestrian Perceptions of Safety Understanding Vision Zero Amidst Urban Informality
Who is responsible? Pedestrian Behavior
Collision Injuries: Our Corridor vs. All of Brooklyn
47%
fatalities caused by pedestrian choice
pedestrian volume % of pedestrians who jaywalked
angles of awareness
250°
Lafa 3rd
Flatbush Ave
Fatalities 1
yette Ave
e Av
225°
310°
14 jaywalkers 109 total crossers in area
53%
fatalities caused by driver choice
Injuries per Intersection
6-9 PM DEC 20, 2015 7-8 PM DEC 11, 2015
Our Corridor
exceptional convergence of 14 distinct angles
Brooklyn
Traffic Volume (# of vehicles)
DAILY AVERAGE 2013
350 - 22,000
2 jaywalkers near Barclays 323 total crossers
22,001 - 85,000 c Pa
concrete island protected by bollards 20 second traffic guards walking present at signal: all Barclays shortest in crosswalks corridor
ific
85,001 - 180,000 e Av
St
4th
average walking speed: 1.35 m/s
Collision Injury Zones
JULY 2012 - NOVEMBER 2015
27 jaywalkers 116 total crossers
At la
greatest collision
lowest
nt
Barclays Center
0
0.03
0.06
Av e
average walking speed: 1.95 m/s
0.12 Miles
ve hA
310°
5t
Sources: NYPD Motor Vehicle Collision Data 2015, NYC Vision Zero, NYC DOT Traffic Volume Counts 2013, GroupConducted Field Research
ic
pedestrian safety area with bollards
N
De
an
Be
rg e
6th
e Av
n
St
St
Our Corridor
18 jaywalkers 90 total crossers
Downtown Brooklyn Density of Collision Injuries
According to Mayor Bill DeBlasio’s Vision Zero Action Plan to end traffic deaths and injuries on New York City streets, pedestrians account for over half of all traffic fatalities in NYC. Yet, 47% of fatalities were caused by a dangerous choice made by a pedestrian instead of the driver involved. In our field research along Flatbush Avenue in Brookyln, we documented these decisions through pedestrian behavior, safety infrastructure, and accumulated fatality data in the corridor. Then we asked: when pedestrians feel safe, do they necessarily behave safely? Our research suggests that Vision Zero should look more carefully at motivations for pedestrian risk-taking and work towards altering the mindset of the NYC jaywalker in addition to implementing new safety infrastructure. Findings were compiled in a video available here: https:// vimeo.com/148846057. Partners: Jordan Walters and Seb Choe
H2Nørrebro
Sharing the Copenhagen Lakes
Circulation around Norrebro Pool
PEDESTRIANS CYCLISTS
PEDESTRIANS
WATER
Circulation June Climate Patterns
Sunset 21:58
13:15
Sun’s Highest Point 70° elevation
Strongest Wind from West
10° elevation
Copenhagen’s urban program relies on the way water moves around the land, inciting bridges that divide it into neighborhoods. In the neighborhood of Nørrebro, Plejecenter Sølund’s courtyard lies on the Copenhagen lakes with pedestrian walkways and a very busy bicycle pathway dividing it from the water. I propose bringing water into the space under the pathways in order to create a versatile shallow pool for all ages.
Average Temperatures
Sunrise
Varied depths allow for small children to wade safely and older children to
4:25
play on protruding docks. Those who want to stay dry may sit and observe
19° C 11° C
Rainfall: 12 days, 49 mm
10° elevation
on the topographical steps leading down to the pool. The courtyard will now be connected to the waterfront, and those on the transportation bridges contribute to the space even while just passing through.
SECTION 1:100
Accessibility to Public Early Childhood Care
Visualizing 2013 U.S. Census Data for New York City reveals concentrations of female-headed households with children under 18-years-old. Single motherhood is more prevalent in the Bronx and Brooklyn than other NYC boroughs. This data is compared to public school locations that accommodate ‘early childhood’ care, in order to discover whether these single mothers, potentially working during the day, have sufficient public support. Given the restricted funds of a single mother and the knowledge that the Bronx has a poverty rate of about 30%, one may conclude that easy accessibility to free public childcare is imperative for their single mother population. This research was compiled into a video presentation, viewable here: https://vimeo.com/143819189. Calculations of single mothers residing within one mile from early childhood public schools reveal that 79% of single mothers are out of walking distance from those schools in Brookyln, and 26% in the Bronx.
Single Mothers in the Bronx and Brooklyn
Interchange
Mapping Lincoln Center
XXXX
Conceptual Map
In New York City, pedestrian laws governing crosswalks are often deemed irrelevant. The grid system becomes moldable by its users. For a project analyzing the Lincoln Center area, I three-dimensionally mapped the numbers of people jaywalking in each intersection and side street through varying heights in a wood comb system. Use of plexiglass pieces allowed me to communicate the factors of sound and vision that may cause a pedestrian to jaywalk in a given area. To continue the project, I combined my model with another member of my class. His original model explored anxiety in Lincoln Center. Our combined model was a holistic portrayal of both external and internal (psychological) conbributions to the experience of traversing the intersection of Broadway and Columbus, which atypically breaks the city grid. | Partner: Dylan Kario
Space, Passage, Montage
A Student Center Analysis
Lerner Hall, Columbia’s student center designed by Bernard Tschumi, is a transitive space with an unsettling program of ramps, glass, and voids. With a fear of heights, I experience Lerner with apprehension. Acrophobia results from the spatial unbalance that arrives after confusing multiple visions of the same space. As height increases, visual cues recede, making it harder and potentially paralyzing, to process one’s surroundings. Using basswood and photographic collages on acetate, I created a model of acrophobic disorientation experienced while walking on the glass ramps circling the large void at the center of Lerner. Two separate pieces assemble to create a matrix of interconnected images, suspended forms, and descent and ascent around a void.
Mapping Campus Exclusivity
The Power of a Student ID
Bureaucratic separations between Columbia’s four undergraduate colleges create seen and unseen divides on campus and reinforce notions of superiority derived from admissions statistics. Many of the differences in spatial access between a Barnard College (BC) student and a Columbia College (CC) student rely on the degrees of permission granted by our student IDs to enter residence halls, academic buildings, and student centers. This map shows building access on campus for Barnard and Columbia students to visualize how students from each group might be excluded from communal social spaces. This was presented on two separate maps for Barnard and Columbia, printed on vellum and layered to create a third map, recreated here with a modified legend. | Partner: Mollie Levine
122nd St
121st St
600
McBain
McBain
SWIPE ACCESS Harmony
Avery
River
113th St
113th St
SWIPE ACCESS Harmony
Greene (Law) Hartley John Jay
114th St Broadway
520 Hogan
Watt
McBain
114th St
113th St
BARNARD COLUMBIA
LEGEND
Full access with all Student IDs Columbia access only (unless accompanied)
SWIPE ACCESS
Barnard access only (unless accompanied) Varied access within space (more red tone = more access for Columbia more blue tone = more access for Barnard)
115th St
Wallach
Butler Library
Carman
COLUMBIA
Limited access (granted access at request)
Amsterdam Ave
Northwest Corner
Lerner
112th St
Partial access (gender or time of day)
Varied access within space
Broadway
Schapiro
115th St
114th St
East Campus
116th St
600 Furnald
Woodbridge
115th St
112th St
Very limited access (requires accompaniment)
Diana Lehman
620 616
600
Full access
Limited access (granted access at request)
Kent
Dodge
116th St
Amsterdam Ave
Hogan
Brooks
Reid
Greene (Law) 520 Watt
LEGEND
Full access
Sulzberger Hewitt
Avery
113th St
113th St
Broadway
International Affairs
Barnard Hall
John Jay
114th St
119th St
118th St
Ruggles
River
BARNARD
Partial access (gender or time of day)
Amsterdam Ave
Northwest Corner
Hartley Butler Library
Carman
114th St
LEGEND
Varied access within space
Diana
Lerner
600
112th St
Very limited access (requires accompaniment)
115th St
Dodge Fitness
Uris
Broadway
520 Hogan
Schapiro
Amsterdam Ave
Broadway
Ruggles
Broadway 113th St
600
John Jay
114th St
Watt
Woodbridge
East Campus
116th St
Broadway
Carman
620 616
120th St
Wallach
Butler Library
Kent
Dodge
Wallach
Lerner
Brooks
116th St
115th St
Amsterdam Ave
115th St
Hartley
Furnald
Schapiro
River
Sulzberger
116th St
600
Claremont
International Affairs
Ruggles
Dodge
116th St
Eliott
118th St
Furnald
Kent
Uris
119th St
Barnard Hall
Hewitt
Greene (Law)
Hewitt
Reid
Brooks
East Campus
Wien
Avery
International Affairs
Dodge Fitness
Lehman
Claremont
118th St
Sulzberger
Woodbridge
Eliott
120th St
120th St
Broadway
119th St
Barnard Hall
620 616
120th St
Reid
Amsterdam Ave
Northwest Corner
Broadway
Uris
Lehman
Claremont
Dodge Fitness
121st St Plimpton
Plimpton
120th St
Diana
Eliott
122nd St
121st St
Plimpton
120th St
122nd St
122nd St
Wien
122nd St
Wien
122nd St
Harmony
Changing Room
Routine Movements For a project exploring how the moving body interacts with space, I chose to analyze the movement of the arm and hand when brushing my teeth. Constructing its different iterations across time allowed each one to break the grid at pivotal points of movement. The structure became a “changing room” for brushing teeth.
Input | Output This acupressure machine explores the mechanical and sensory potential of the human hand. he weighted structure emulates the cause and effect relationship of pressure and release within our sensory systems. Due to nerve location, the hand’s skin sensitivity is topographical.
Construction
A. Model of a residential project at Hall Architects. Built from plans and elevations by hand with an
Modeling and Woodwork
x-acto knife. B. Oak wood box with a sliding lid, made during a basic woodworking course. C. “Monument to New Yorkers,� made of plywood, plaster, and found objects for a sculpture studio.
B.
A.
C.
D.
D. “Not-So-Still Life,” made of metal, misc. objects; hanging from ceiling for a sculpture studio E. “Life-Size Google Maps Man,” made of foam, plaster, paint, flashlight; hanging from ceiling for a sculpture studio
E.
Magazine and Marketing
A. Biannual collaboration timeline layout for LEITZES & CO B. Infographic for Urban Omnibus
B.
A. good
Layout
interview with New Roots Community Farm - more graphics
KAREN WALKER FOR UN ITC ETHICAL FASHION INITIATIVE
C. Volume 16 layouts for The Eye Magazine while serving as Senior
neutral
on urbanomnibus.net
Design Editor - more layouts at http://columbiaspectator.com/
bad
issues/eye
CATEGORY: Accessory DATE: February 2014 RANK: Good
KENDALL AND KYLIE jENNER FOR STEVE MADDEN CATEGORY: Accessory
Designer Karen Walker has teamed up with the United Nations’ ITC Ethical Fashion Initiative to produce pouches made by micro-artisanal Kenyan communities for her signature sunglasses. Made by hand, the minimalist, screen-printed calico pouches come with Walker’s summer sunglass series, entitled ‘Visible,’ with more embellished pouches sold separately in Karen Walker stores. Instantly credible for aligning with the United Nations, one of the most effective parts of the collaboration is the ad campaign, which features members of the participating communities modeling the sunglasses as a means of putting a face to the cause. Part of the growing trend of conscious consumerism, research shows people are more likely to care about “identifiable” versus “statistical” victims.
DATE: February 2014 RANK: Good
KEY Apparel Food Beauty Accessory Strategy
SOLANGE KNOWLES FOR PUMA CATEGORY: Accessory DATE: February 2014 RANK: Neutral
DKNY BY OPENING CEREMONY CATEGORY: Apparel DATE: February 2014 RANK: Bad Like last season and the season before, Opening Ceremony rummaged through the DKNY archives to create a 28-piece collection of crewneck sweatshirts, hoodies, tanks and tees with DKNY’s instantly recognisable oversized logo. Priced at $165 for a baseball jersey and $160 for leggings, the price point was high. Discounted pieces from the collection are still available on Opening Ceremony’s website.
PUMA partners with Solange Knowles on a collection of four brightly colored sneakers. For the singer’s first project since being named as a creative consultant for PUMA’s women’s lifestyle line, she was tasked with reinterpreting the ‘Disc’ shoe. Launched in 1992 and previously only available in men’s sizes, she brought in three of her favorite designers - Gerlan Jeans, William Okpo, and Hisham Bharoocha - to help customize the shoe for women. Priced starting at $150, the capsule debuted at Opening Ceremony before rolling out at Nordstrom and Fred Segal stores nationwide. While the shoe was too funky for some, the campaign was quite striking and generated significant press.
L’WREN SCOTT FOR BOBBI BROWN CATEGORY: Beauty DATE: February 2014 RANK: Bad L’Wren Scott and Bobbi Brown join forces to release their first off-the-runway collaboration: The Amnesia Rose Collection. Inspired by the amnesia roses that Scott grew at her Loire Valley chateau, the line includes four lipsticks for $28 each and an eye and lip palette with an impressionistic sketch of Scott for $68. Bobbi Brown has been a leading name in makeup for many years, but L’Wren Scott’s unexpected death sadly cast a dark cloud over the partnership.
Keeping Up With The Kardashians reality TV stars Kendall and Kylie Jenner join forces with Steve Madden on a new line of shoes and handbags for Madden Girl. For their first collection, which includes flat tribal-inspired sandals, gladiator-style platform wedges, and fun cross-body bags priced from $34 to $79.99, Kendall and Kylie pulled inspiration from their personal styles. With 12 million and 11 million Instagram followers respectively, Kendall and Kylie are part of the most followed family in social media, making them a smart partner choice. Their instore appearances in particular have been a hit with fans, who line-up for hours to meet their fashion idols.
C. BRACKET
images courtesy of movie-screencaps.com
12
Gender dysphoria came with a hospital bill, though, and Oni could not wrap his head around why being harmed did not automatically capitulate her worldview to his. It was a Halloween dance in downtown Charlotte at a magnet school that specialized in theater, and, as a result, where many of the gay and closeted teens flocked, and from whose close-knit orbit Oni appeared an occult and distant star careening in and out at whim. Oni was wary of the massing of gay people in one place, the quiet self-selecting atomization, though he didn’t give thought to those problems in those names: instead, the weirdness of a Home Ec class composed entirely of males, how there was no one with a voice convincingly deep enough to play Brando’s part when they put on Streetcar, how they all loved Mean Girls. All of them, literally, it seemed like, every one of them, revered the movie Mean Girls. Oni agreed it was pretty funny (omg Glen Coco got four!!!) but never in the whole history of the world maybe had a group of people so misconstrued the point of something by so wide a margin. Mean Girls was a morality play. It was about how Do Not Be A Mean Girl Just Do Not Do It No No. But for gay men, it moonlighted as social manual. If Karen Smith and Gretchen Wieners could take the school, why shouldn’t the homosexuals? And not just the school. Oni was smart enough to grok that there was something lowest common denominator and vulgar about this kind of solidarity but he wanted to wear dresses and no one else would let him. So before the dance in the back of Kelly’s mother’s SUV they surreptitiously attached the wings to the white chiffon gown. Miranda said, “Can I do your makeup?” and Oni said, “No, thanks, I can do it myself,” adding the glitter and the sticky sequins, braiding his hair interleaved with lace. The costume was Comtesse Nicole de Lancret, aka Danielle de Barbarac, aka Cinderella, from the 1998 film Ever After. It was maybe bizarre, but for a gay male(?) teen growing up in the Oughts, it was possible that when one looked to film or television for empowerment, for growth, the only models that would do were women. In Ever After, after numerous UGHS befall Drew Barrymore’s character, Danielle arrives to the royal ball wearing her late mother’s dress and a pair of wings fashioned by one (fantastically anachronistic and out-of-place) Leonardo da Vinci. Unlike Cady Heron turning up for her Redemption Spectacle at the North Shore High Spring Fling, Danielle has nothing to be redeemed for—she is but a subaltern rising to the occasion of the ball masque, saying, humbly in her way, that she is also much more. Packaged up inside of gay men’s love for Mean Girls was the creeping specter of shame that maybe they were truly and at bottom mean: mean of status, mean of options, incapable of real love. And so sometimes men picked the wrong women to emulate. Oni, not quite in Full High Drag but in definitely Something, strode up the stairs, heart pounding, to
the auditorium floor. “Breathe,” he said, and closed his eyes. “Just…breathe!” His friends crowded up round him cheering, “You’re so beautiful, Oni!” “Fetch!” And the security guard strode over and said, “Miss, you’ve got to take those wings off they’re going to hit someone in the face,” and Oni said, “I will NOT I am BEAUTIFUL the way I am” and the security guard said, “I’m going to have to ask you to step outside miss” and his friends said, “He is no MISS” and Oni said, “Wait I might be a miss,” the security guard taking Oni by the waist and drawing him towards the exit. The gaggle screamed “GAY HATE” and “DISCRIMINATION” and started to jostle and rumble and Miranda fell over embarrassingly. Into which disordered mix the schoolmate named Norman—who was gay, yes, but not gay, i.e. he was what one could call Masc or Straight-Acting or some other word that stood for Fake, who saw the proceedings and in that moment hated himself more than he ever had before, this stupid messy tawdry life his compadres in unabashedly loving the D wanted to make for themselves—went down on Oni with the force of a big yellow bus, tearing out the wings with malice, and with envy, and with meanness, and Oni did get four then, right to the face. Bernice was in the parking lot adjacent when Oni fell through the doors and she watched as he tripped on the stiletto heel and backwards catapulted down the stairs, and when the rib broke she heard it and when the eye was punched back into the depths of its socket she saw it, and Norman’s fists caked with makeup and glitter, and the pretty white dress from her closet ruined and bloody and grimy with dirt. And the people who were for him crowded round in a band of curdling girlish bacchic terror screams and the people who were from high up looked down and said calmly, with force, “He needs to leave, that boy with his Commotion,” and into which kerfuffle Bernice flung herself breasts tumbling about madly in her overlarge plain blue sweatshirt and her hair pushed back madly and the curls jangling madly and the eyes wide as all fucking fuck, and mad as hell, “He’s PRECIOUS!” bellowing from someplace deep in her she did not know about until just then until just when she became, actually, a Bigger Person. And she was holding her shaking son like she was the virgin in the Pietà, yelling to the outside air and to every vibrating fiber of the universe—and everyone could hear her cosmic complaint: “He’s FUCKING precious! He’s fucking PRECIOUS you DICKS!” a
v-day four ways
by amy zimmerman
It’s March Madness. And we’re not talking about college basketball—more like that specific type of crazy that seems to pop up this time of year, when everything at Columbia seems to be driving us totally insane. If we didn’t have a pass/fail option and Dig Inn, we’d probably be filling out transfer applications. Luckily, Columbia students (aka future Goldman Sachs associates of America) know how to turn a profit off of a sucky situation. The Columbia Annoyance March Madness Bracket is the perfect way to make some extra spending money just by arguing about what pisses us off the most about this school—something that we’d already be doing for free.
The inescapable fact that Community has a B health rating
by eric wimer
That super fun Columbia undergrad price tag
When you realize that Lupita Nyong’o and Jennifer Lawrence are probably hanging out right now without you
Self-deprecating “I’m un-hirable” major declaration status
illustration by allison henry
BY ALLEN JOHNSON It turned out gay was not the whole story. Bernice Peters took gay pretty gracefully. She took it, one might even say, well. Especially for a stout protestant girl born in rural North Carolina in like 1956. She regrets muttering quietly to Oni when he came out all formal-like, “well, it is not what God had planned for you…,” but beyond that, it went Not So Bad. They hugged after, and she promised not to tell Mr. Peters. And still now: They hug! They say I love you! They smile! When she went to the PTA meetings—which was always—Bernice would sometimes see those sports mothers across the way wrapped up in puffy uniform blue Hanes sweatshirts with the red screen-printed VARSITY ATHLETICS MOM lettering cracking off from wear. They’d stride side by side across the parking lot in twilight, the stadium lights flickering down and casting coronas around their tall, not unathletic bodies, talking about something mysterious to Bernice and laughing with their heads back and occasionally patting each other on like, the forearm… those gestures of carefree intimacy she shared with so few women. Sure, she had grown up and many things had changed, but a part of her—and she suspected it was quite a large part—needed the same things she needed when she was 23, and 14, and six, and the problem of adulthood, motherhood, was that it was now selfish to complain about lacking things she still desperately required to be happy. Bernice envied the sports moms’ friendships within those spectatorial arenas, how serenely they accepted one another’s love since the friendships themselves were but the byproducts of arcane, physical boyish rituals as old as time or older, ordered violences that no one really comprehended but that so many children—Oni excluded—easily fell prey to, and even full-throatedly enjoyed. Sitting at the PTA meeting in the cafeteria alongside a swath of tired parents whose names she did not know or care to know, Bernice like, grieved the fact that Oni did not play lacrosse, or football, or even just run track and field, that he probably couldn’t even dribble, that if he were tackled, he would shatter. But when Oni said, “It is possible I might not be male,” Bernice couldn’t help but laugh—laugh maniacally, laugh scornfully at a son she almost hated, then. Her immediate mental image, absurd as it was, was of a very large Oni sitting cross-legged at the head of an exploratory committee composed entirely of smaller, suited Onis all fumbling to conjure up the most inane, the most barbed thing they could throw back at Bernice Peters, what it was that would bruise the bitch the bruiseyest. Oni’s questioning of his gender could be nothing more than a deeply personal attack against her, a roundabout way of saying, “Momma, tsk, tsk, here is yet another contingency you did not allow for, yet another way in which you have failed.”
SOCIAL STUDIES
Columbia Madness
The Hamilton elevator Polar vortex, part XIV
When you think your Instagram is totally normcore but it turns out you’re just boring
The turnstile at Lerner’s Broadway entrance When you find out the guy you’ve been hooking up with (who you thought was in GS) is actually in the St. Luke’s outpatient program
The impossibility of explaining the housing lottery to a nonColumbian
CHAMPION
EYESITES
SHE’S A GRASPING, DEVIOUS LITTLE PRETENDER
The NYU Blind Date 8:00 p.m. — Panic when you realized that these streets have names instead of numbers. 8:30 p.m. — Arrive at hip restaurant, apologize profusely, and trip over indoor organic grass hedge. 8:45 p.m. — Forget how to talk and compliment the straightness and angularity of your date’s asymmetrical bob to break the silence. 8:50 p.m. — Order the fanciest meal on the menu hoping that will impress your date. 9:20 p.m. — This Cornish game hen does not look, smell, or taste like 40 dollars. 9:40 p.m. — Date agrees to go home with you (because the only thing more depressing than a Valentine’s Day blind date is an unsuccessful Valentine’s Day blind date). 10:20 p.m. — Not sure what to do, so you watch Homeland and slowly inch closer. 11:00 p.m. — After 40 minutes of killer virtual AND real life tension, you finally touch. Things happen— sex things.
TWITTER FEED
When the kosher food at Hewitt looks really, really good
#butlerwitchproject by amelia pitcherella
@valedicktorian saturday night in butler again…slaving over anthro paper. prospects looking bleak. bets on whether i’ll get out by 3 a.m.?
The fact that your #sprangbreak tan is fading
When Columbia’s hottest club is literally Butler 209
When you just #Kant with #CC
When you keep seeing the exact same people over and over again—and they’re not getting any hotter
Anything Fox News has ever said about Columbia
@rowbeforehoes flash of tall girls in white garb coming through 310???
@commodityfetish they’re back and swaying through the room in various states of undress? PLEASE, COME CLOSER, JUST READING MY MARX, DON’T MIND ME
The Eye is now accepting fiction submissions of 1750 to 2000 words. Send your story to eyefiction@columbiaspectator.com.
13
That Sappy Freshman Fouple 6:00 p.m. — Update Facebook status: “pickin’ my girl up early! I know I was supposed to pick her up at 7, but I just can’t waaaaaait! XD”. 6:15 p.m. — Tweet picture together covered in hearts. 6:30 p.m. — Disentangle long enough to walk over to dinner (Vareli’s, nothing but the best 4 my guyyyy! ;p). 8:00 p.m. — Time to head downtown (84th Street!!) and see a steamy movie—Frozen, duh. 8:50 p.m. — Make out so enthusiastically that you start feeding each other chewed up bits of popcorn, mommy-bird style. 9:40 p.m. — One of you is already asleep, the other is weeping. 10:40 p.m. — Film a Vine of interlocked hands shot from various angles during credits. 11:15 p.m. — Ride subway home—it’s way past bedtime. 11:45 p.m. — Lean in for a tender kiss as you part at the subway, realize that this is all to serious, and solemnly cry for the 5-minute walk back to Carman.
03
The Single Squad 8:00 p.m. — Meet for dinner at “our bar,” and huddle together to gawk at all the awful couples. 8:30 p.m. — Shouts of “Drinks for everyone! We need them tonight!” 9:30 p.m. — Somebody is crying. 9:50 p.m. — Somebody is shamelessly hitting on the bartender. 10:10 p.m. — That one person in the friend group who never drinks is feeling nauseous. 10:40 p.m. — Retreat! Back to the dorm/bong. 11:00 p.m. — Everyone has a lot of feelings. 12:30 a.m. — Someone breaks out a contraband Four Loko—shit’s about to get crazy. 2:30 a.m. — Everyone is asleep, spooning their neighbor. Human contact? Best. VDay. EVER.
It’s that time of year again—Valentine’s Day (or, as we bitter Columbians call it between huge mouthfuls of Westside cookies, “galentine’s day”). We took it upon ourselves to map out your evening of love in advance, whether you’re half of a happy couple, single and ready to mingle, or somewhere inbetween.
Me, You, and Everyone Else 8:00 p.m. — House of Cards. 3:00 a.m. — Go to bed with a heart full of Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright. Feel good about your life and your choices.
We’ve conjured the live Twitter feeds of a few devoted Butlerites from the fated night that everyone’s favorite VNSFW (V is for very) video, “Initiation,” was filmed under the direction of Coco Young and Karley Sciortino (neither is believed to be the next Supreme). These poor bystanders’ accounts of the “performance” is truly spellbinding.
@50shadesofyay five of them. one is carrying dead goose or something mystical. some devilish play here. #witchcraft
@valedicktorian smearing YOLKS on their heads / the floor / their naked bodies as i sit here #whatwouldfoucaultsay #performanceart? #performativity?
@eco_reppin witchcraft is alive and magic exists and it is scary as heck but more importantly COULD YOU NOT WITH
@50shadesofyay chains. chocolate syrup. heads thrashing. some make-out action. #marinaabramovic #inthenameofart #flattery? #blasphemy?
@xx_campusQT_xx #spraaangbreak #spraaangbreak #spraaaaangbreakforever
@xx_campusQT_xx going to JJ’s for scrambled eggs hmu
03
Writing
Urban Omnibus
http://urbanomnibus.net/2016/07/the-magnate-messiah-ofthe-upper-west-side/
http://urbanomnibus.net/2016/02/man-of-the-crowd-edgarallan-poe-bronx-hero/
http://urbanomnibus.net/2016/04/mapping-gowanus-today-imagining-gowanus-tomorrow/
Regional Plan Association
Fourth Regional Plan, due November 2017
RPA’s Fourth Regional Plan is a long-range urban planning vision for the New York City metropolitan region, spanning topics of governance, transportation, environment, and community development. As a research analyst, I have specialized in surface transit and mobility technology. I have co-authored and performed spatial data analysis for three technical
T F A R D
reports that will accompany the Fourth Plan when it is published in November 2017. A. New Mobility: Autonomous Vehicles and the Region B. Upgrading Surface Transit: New Connections and Service
C. Transforming the Subway: Bringing NYC’s Metro System
into the 21st Century
The image to the left is a preview of the Surface Transit report, which analyzes NYC’s bus system for speed and reliability and proposes several changes to address the system’s declining ridership. NOTE: This image should not be distributed, as it is a draft and has not yet been released to the public.