How Do We Find Rest in Grief?

It was the end of a six-week grief support group called Grief Options. As the attendees reflected about what they each experienced, I found it interesting that over half of the group mentioned their appreciation for the group dynamic.

“It really comforted me to know I wasn’t alone,” was the repeated comment.

For many, the isolation of grief had added significant pain to their already broken heart. The group in the Grief Options meetings found support from one

another. They found strength and courage. They also found rest from their pain as it subsided through the healthy grief choices they learned to make.

What are we to do when we go through difficult seasons in our lives? So often our pain and suffering cannot be understood by others. They might wish we would stop being sad. They would rather we pretend or save our sorrow for another time, preferably when they are not around or when the culture approves. Have you felt this? Do you feel alone in your loss?

DID IT HAVE TO END THIS WAY?

I once heard the legend of a Warrior Chief and his beloved wife. Sadly, the Chief died in an important battle against evil. However, instead of honoring his death by raising their baby to follow justice and goodness, her grief overtook her. Rather than gaining strength from her community and finding hope in healing that comes to the broken hearted, she chose the unthinkable. Before anyone in the tribe could stop her, this widow,

crazed with grief, climbed the nearby mountain and hurled herself and her baby over its edge.

This young widow and mother did not know she could grieve with hope, healing, and rest from her sorrow and suffering.

THERE IS A BETTER WAY

I must tell you: the Creator is near to comfort and to heal. As we are open to believe this potential for the deep ache in our lives, it can help us become aware of other healthy choices we can make in our grief.

1. Talking with someone who will listen without judgement is very useful. Our spoken pain can also be expressed in nature. There we find that nature and the God of nature is big enough to carry our pain and give us rest.

2. Releasing the pain through our written words also relieves the tension or stress of emotions, thoughts, questions, doubts, and fears that get too crowded in our hearts or minds.

3. The last healthy option is to forgive. When we make this choice, our souls find the deepest level of rest in our grief.

Let’s look at these healthy choices more closely.

SPOKEN PAIN

Our body is not designed to carry the stress of grief pain. The chemicals it produces are helpful for survival, but not for thriving or healing. This will require a choice or action on our part to release the stress. When we talk with trusted people in our community it helps us to release the stress from built up emotions. It is important to know the person you are sharing with will not cast judgment on you. They just need to listen and show they genuinely care. If there is no one you can safely talk with, talking aloud in nature and to the God of nature is another option. Will you find the time to be in nature? Will you speak to it of your deep sorrow and pain, your longing in your heart for the person who meant so much to you? Will you leave your hurt with the soil of the earth, trusting the next season of rain to wash it away? Will you breathe it out of your body and know the wind will carry it away and look to God to bring healing?

WRITTEN PAIN

I used to encourage my grief coaching clients to journal or write, but I don’t do that anymore. When we write, it often feels like a school assignment. Broken hearted words on paper have nothing to do with school. Our broken hearts are messy, unorganized, unpredictable, and random. Therefore, our words on paper must reflect that same disorganized pattern. I suggest focusing more on free writing ~ simply putting pen to paper because it is when we put our stuff on paper by describing the way it feels inside of us, real healing can begin to take place. We experience relief and rest in the process. If you have never put your grief on paper, please give it a try. It is one of the best healing tools that is equally free and available to all people.

To experience the deepest rest from the sorrow of our grief, we must work through our blame, regrets, and guilt. Carrying that baggage with us for the rest of our lives robs us of peace and joy. It may very well be the most profound cause of substance use and abuse. When we cannot and do not engage in the hard work of living to forgive, we damage ourselves. When we live with that kind of damage, we begin to hurt others around us.

FORGIVEN PAIN

The Native Wellness Institute provides some excellent advice:

“Forgiveness is another difficult phase for those who are grieving over a tragic, unexpected death. During grief of this type, a lot of blame is laid in many directions. Before the mourner will be able to finish grieving, they will need to forgive those that they have been blaming for the loss. Sometimes it is the person who died. Sometimes it is the boyfriend or girlfriend who they think caused it. Sometimes it is God, and they lose faith, or get angry with God. Sometimes the griever blames himself or herself, like there was something they could have done to prevent it. Whoever, or whatever, they feel is at fault must be forgiven or the grief will continue to haunt them.” 1

When we choose to forgive another, it never condones the wrong or hurt that was caused. It will never excuse his or her behavior. What it does do is set us free from the resentment, bitterness, hatred, and the desire for revenge that hurts us worse than the one we are withholding our forgiveness from. Please talk this through with someone you trust. Please pray it through with God who knows how much forgiveness cost Him and yet God still originates forgiveness toward all.

REST IN YOUR GRIEF

There is rest of soul and spirit when we forgive and accept forgiveness. There is rest when we share our burdens with God and others who care. There is peace of mind

when we release our words in nature or on paper. These are a few healthy grief choices that will bring rest and healing in your grief. If the Chief’s widow had practiced healthy

grief, she could have raised a mighty new leader in her tribe. Making the choices for healthy grief are worth it for one’s self as well as for the future of the community.