Aji Issue 3 - February 2022 by Sydney Kimiko

Relationships + Liminality Issue 3 | 02.22

Aji

I’ve had heartbreak and I’ve had love. I prefer the latter, but I haven’t been able to get there without the former. It’s unfortunate.

This issue of Aji was created by Sydney Kimiko in the closing days of January 2022. I’ve done the best that I can to source my inspirations and visuals, but please continue to let me know if I’ve missed anything or anyone. The words, perspectives, and opinions insinuated or articulated here don’t reflect those of my employers – past, present, and future – or the other parties involved in those experiences. If you’re interested in seeing more about what happens behindthe-scenes at Aji, find me on Instagram @SydneyLikesChefs I value my safety and boundaries, as well as the safety and boundaries of my friends, colleagues, and collaborators. In light of this, please do not seek me out on other platforms. Thank you for your patience with Aji Issue 3. What Issue 4 through Issue Infinity will look like is as blurry as this polaroid of me.

24 / 7 / 365

Every month is Black History Month. With that said, since this issue of Aji shares February with Black History Month, here is a list of Black creators, entrepreneurs, and professionals that I recommend supporting. This list is a starting point and is by no means exclusive or exhaustive. Blair Imani – Instagram.com/blairimani Sonya Renee Taylor – Instagram.com/sonyareneetaylor Naomi Simone O’Brien – Instagram.com/readlikearockstarteaching Everyday Racism, founded by Naomi and Natalie Evans – Instagram.com/everydayracism Arielle Estoria – Instagram.com/arielleestoria Tiana, of SoulFree Wellness – Instagram.com/soulfreewellness Devon Blow – Instagram.com/devthepineapple Emma Dabiri – Instagram.com/emmadabiri Stacyann Patrice – Instagram.com/stacyannpatrice Dr. Jenn M. Jackson – Instagram.com/jennmjacksonphd Dr. Ayanna Abrams – Instagram.com/dr_ayanna_a Rachel Cargle – Instagram.com/Rachel.cargle GirlTrek – Instagram.com/girltrek Andrea Ranae – Instagram.com/andrearanaej

All paint strokes in this issue from Krišjānis Mežulis At WildOnes

When I run, the letters that I haven’t written yet start to take shape Dear You

Remember me?

Me neither

One day when I was scrolling through social media, I read a caption where someone asked, “Did you change, or did you stop being someone you weren’t?” That stuck with me.

Credit where credit is due: The idea for this noodle bowl came from the January 2016 paper issue of Bon Appetit magazine, with Claire Saffitz and Julia Kramer credited for the recipe development. I omitted bell peppers in the blender mixture, kept the idea for crispy tofu, and converted the tofu dressing measurements into a more general ratio. The original recipe uses tofu crumbles, but I like cubes, because it reminds me of what I ate growing up. The original recipe includes a couple of other topping ideas for this bowl, but I come from a farm family that believes in the power of green onion on top of everything.

It’s not really yakisoba, but it goes really well with wine. Prep – Slice 1 block of extra-firm tofu into cubes and slice up 1 Fresno chile or jalapeno. Put the tofu on a paper towellined plate, sandwich another paper towel on top, and set another plate on top. Press down a couple of times and let gravity start drying out the tofu – this will help it get crispy (a trick from my late grandmother). Cooking – Heat oven to 425 F and drizzle a couple of Fresno chiles or jalapenos, half a head of garlic, and a shallot with olive oil. Roast for 10-ish minutes and blend with 1/8 cup of rice vinegar and a scant teaspoon of honey. Salt to taste. While the veggies are roasting, heat olive oil in a pan with high sides over medium heat and crisp up the tofu cubes until they are browned and delightful.

3 parts shoyu: 2 parts mirin, sriracha, rice vinegar: 0.33 parts Sesame Oil

Toss the tofu in a dressing with the above ratio. This dressing is also delicious with rice and furikake.

Cook noodles of your choice (I used ramen, Mama used udon when she tested this via Zoom with me) according to package directions. Spoon the tofu mixture with dressing on top and add a few tablespoons of the blended chile mixture. Toss everything together and use scissors to cut massive pieces of green onion on top.

Credit Where Credit is Due I first learned what yogurt rice was during a meet & greet with Padma Lakshmi for her memoir, Love, Loss, and What We Ate. That’s where the initial ratio and use of cucumber and serrano came from. After learning more from South Indian business school friends or work colleagues, I bought Indian-ish by Priya Krishna to continue my education. That’s where I learned about chhonk – the Hindi word used to describe how spices are tempered and provide an absolutely massive amount of flavor into a plate of food. Thank you to all of the friends who I frantically texted while searching for substitutions for this recipe.

Yogurt Rice Ratio 1 part yogurt: 1 part rice

Prep U Cook a couple of cups of white rice. While the rice is cooking dice a seedless cucumber into small pieces, chop up some unsalted cashews, and slide up a serrano. Stirring U Mix equal parts rice and yogurt together with a large pinch of salt, then add the cucumber. Make the Chhonk U Melt a couple of tablespoons of ghee over medium heat in a pan. Add the cashews when the ghee is hot. After a few minutes have passed, throw in a small palmful of whole cumin seeds and equal parts of garlic powder and onion powder (about half a teaspoon each, to start).

Once your hear the snap, crackle, pop (per Padma Lakshmi) of the spices popping and toasting, add a bunch of bay leaves, lemon zest, lime zest, and the chopped serrano. Stir around for a minute or so more, then pour over the yogurt rice mixture.

The substitutions that I frantically texted my friends about: While these can be found on Amazon, your best bet would be to locate an Indian grocery store in your area. I substituted for the sake of availability and scale when I was still feeling uncertain during the last stages of a global pandemic. This is not an indication of anything remotely close to expertise and authenticity. Find a market, taste each spice, pick up the books above – and others by Indian authors – and finesse to your taste.

All of these substitutions were made knowing that they would likely make the finished product taste very different. Cashews are substituted here for urad dal, or white gram lentils (my best understanding is that this is the

center of a black gram lentil, aka a lentil without the skin showing the white interior) Whole cumin seeds are substituted here for black mustard seeds

Equal parts of garlic and onion powder are substituted here for asafetida, which can also be called hing. A combination of bay leaves, lemon zest, and lime zest are substituted here for curry leaves. I have also heard that lime leaves could be substituted in. 7

Lots of Tea

I was a new MBA graduate, which had led to a multitude of career opportunities and parallel heartbreak. My ex, who was finally done with me after I’d put him on the back-burner instead of confronting the demise of our half-decade-plus relationship, told me that his new life was none of my business. The human I’d spent business school being joined-at-the-hip with hung up on me after a massive fight, and never spoke to me again. Everything fell into a specific place. I was presented with the opportunity to start over completely. I could be whoever I wanted to be, pursue whoever I wanted to pursue, and live however I wanted to live. I refused and decided to be sad. And so, the spiral began.

Forever Iterating Sometimes I stare irritably into my refrigerator and wonder how many times I’m going to make the same salad before I get tired of it. Then I laugh at myself, because a massive benefit to developing an actual personality in the kitchen is having preferences. Caramelize pancetta in a pan with some brown sugar until the fat renders out of the pork and the texture gets jammy. Spoon on top of a bed of arugula and one sliced apple, then drizzle with equal parts balsamic and EVOO. This would also be delicious with a blue cheese, goat cheese, or blue goat cheese.

....no tolerance for

pain

and no lust for combat. From the opening narration of, “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”

Mais il faut revenir avant qu’il fasse noir. I want to get back before it gets

dark.

The only cleanse I need is an emotional one that gets rid of the bullshit we both contributed. (cover recipe) Fling an apple, juice from one lemon, a handful of baby spinach, a banana, some ginger, and a cup of H2O into a blender. Add more water as needed. Stir between sips to minimize separation.

There’s always some type of party posse to fall in with while healing from something. Some are more debilitating and damaging than others.

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My cousins tell me that my version of poke has too much sauce. Since I usually eat poke with steamed white rice, I like when the sauce coats the rice. If that’s not your vibe, then reduce the ratios. 1lb as high-quality of tuna steak as you can find (although my partner prefers Hamachi to ahi) + ½ large onion (ideally yellow) + 3 tablespoons shoyu + 5 tablespoons sesame oil + furikake + sriracha

Thank you for mutually agreeing that while making out was fun, it probably wasn’t good for either healing or long-term prospects. It saved us both a lot of embarrassment and awkward conversations.

I saw that Gordon Ramsay serves a soft scrambled egg in this style for every family holiday breakfast on YouTube once and decided that it would be a great way to look like I know what I’m doing when cooking in a stranger’s sweatshirt in the morning. Slice up a couple of croissants, and toast them in a dry pan / skillet until they’re lightly browned. While the croissants are heating, put ½ tablespoon of butter per egg over medium heat in a non-stick pan or pot. I’ve said this before (see Aji Issue 1), but whisk the damn eggs so that they don’t get rubbery or watery. Take your cooking vessel off the heat occasionally, and add another ½ tablespoon of butter per egg and whisk in until incorporated. Once it no longer looks like egg soup, remove from the heat again and stir in ½ tablespoon of crème fraiche per egg until incorporated. Cut some chives or other tender green herb on top. Lay a few slices of smoked salmon on top of the toasted croissants and serve with the eggs. This is delicious with super creamy hot coffee and intense acoustic instrumental guitar music, ideally on a balcony with a great view. 19

I stay awake too late and too often. I have multicourse dinners by myself with glass after glass of wine, pouring nonsensical sentences into my notebook and attending to the conversations of strangers. I love and hate the idea of being by myself. I’ve learned to not say, “alone,” but that doesn’t stop the feeling from creeping in. My senses are heightened and dulled in ways that I’m not used to. I am overcaffeinated, over-served, and under-rested – an oddity in Louboutins and leather Michael Kors backpacks, walking the same paths to the same locations, in search of a different answer.

So the next few sentences are here, because (1) making guacamole is easy and Googleable and (2) I don’t realize things when I’m in the kitchen; I realize things by putting together an issue of Aji. It sucks that sometimes you try to improve yourself, but someone else ends up reaping the benefits. It also sucks when loving someone isn’t necessarily a reason to stay together. I wish that I could apologize to a few people, but they rightfully stopped taking my attempts at contact awhile ago. I wish that a few people would apologize to me, but they are rightfully doing what they believe to be best for them. (If you really want to know, I typically use this combination of stuff, a jalapeno, some cumin, and – obviously – salt. Taste your food to see what you need more or less of, mash it together, and it’ll work itself out.)

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I decided that I would no longer fuel any training efforts with Chipotle, which meant that I had to learn how to make my own bowls. It also took way longer than necessary to edit two separate bowls of food to look like one on this page, and I’m calling it out because I want to celebrate myself. To make cilantro lime rice, toast whatever portion of dry rice that you are planning on making with a couple of tablespoons of olive oil and chopped garlic in a pan over medium heat until the rice has started to brown. Pour into a rice cooker with a lime’s worth of zest and cook with the appropriate amount of amount of water. Once the rice is done, toss it with chopped cilantro, squeeze lots of lime juice on top, then salt it to taste. Cook whatever protein you’re having (the two halves of this page show ground beef and chorizo) with cumin, chile powder, and salt. If you’re me, you’ll also fling in some guacamole (because it’s not extra) and plain Greek yogurt instead of sour cream for more protein.

I do acknowledge that the only reason I started watching Euphoria was because you told me that you liked it. The same way that the only reason I started taking photos again was because you’re a photographer. I should have realized that you liked Euphoria, because you were as unreliable of a narrator as its protagonist. I should have also realized that you relating to a show where there is an active exploration of what unhealthy power dynamics look like in relationships was the biggest red flag that could have shown up at the time. I was excited, though, because I really did like you. To this day I’m not even certain about whether you liked me, too, or whether you saw me as an easy mark because I was recovering from multiple forms of heartbreak. Were you jealous of the success I was working to cultivate for myself, or were you empowering me for the sake of being able to tear me down later? Either way, you almost got away with it. If it’s neither, I still won’t trust hearing about it from you. You loved our witty banter and hated listening. I wonder if that’s why your mood fluctuated as much as your condescension. There will absolutely be a point in my life when I wish you all the best, and hope that you can apply whatever lessons you learned or didn’t learn from us to another relationship you enter. Today is not that day, but that’s because this is my magazine. You ditched me on my birthday, so I’m giving myself the ability to be vague and passive aggressive about you in a self-published public version of my journal as a belated present. A few last questions that I will give myself the courage to ask you, regardless of who you are with, if our paths ever cross again: Did you have to tell me that my weight bothered you? Did you have to cite that as the reason why you weren’t interested in us dating again? Did you forget that I have an eating disorder, or were you just not listening when I told you about it on multiple occasions? Or did you remember, and knew that you’d do maximum damage with those paragraphs of text? It felt absurdly great to text a dear friend of mine, “Sometimes the trash takes itself out,” after things ended between us. Happy Valentine’s Day, loser.

From the phase in my life when I lacked the words but said them, anyway.

The baked brie and puff pastry situation from Blake Lively’s Vogue Interview in 2013 It’s still on YouTube and is just as delightful as the title sounds.

Preheat an oven to 350F and chop up some shallots and figs. Put equal parts figs and raspberries into a saucepan / pot with water, balsamic, and vanilla extract over medium-high heat. Once the mixture boils, lower the heat and let it hang out, simmer, and reduce. Meanwhile, remove the casings from a couple of hot Italian sausages and brown over medium heat. Keep the sausages off to the side while you heat up the chopped shallots in the same pan, then add them back in once the shallots start to get tender. Remove from heat after everything is cooked through.

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Cover a baking sheet with either parchment paper or foil, then lay out a sheet of puff pastry. Slice a wheel of brie in half, lengthwise, so that the rind stays intact on each end. Set one half of the brie on the puff pastry and, “stuff,” with the sausage / shallot mixture. Top with the raspberry / fig mixture, then sandwich the other half of the brie on top. Pick up the corners of the puff pastry, and twist to make a pouch. Whisk one egg and some whole milk or cream together to make an egg wash, then brush over the puff pastry to help it brown. Bake for half an hour, or until everything is golden brown. Let the baked brie cool for five minutes or so after it comes out of the oven, and drizzle it with maple syrup after plating.

I want to be clear. I am grateful for every in-between moment. Life happens in the liminal spaces. Thank you to the humans who things have progressed into some form of romance with. I appreciate every room service order of coffee and fruit or late-night fries with hot chocolate, movie marathon or holiday party, dance floor embrace or bottle service water delivery, video chat blush, text message that made me pause a conversation, and all the rest. It was good.

I still send texts calling health-conscious chicken recipes, “sad chicken.” This one isn’t sad.

Turn an oven to 425F. Slice one lemon as thinly as you can without cutting yourself, then cut a second lemon into wedges. Mince up a shallot and a couple of cloves of garlic. Season whatever chicken cut you’re attempting to make with salt and pepper – I prefer bone-in, skinon thighs the best, but I tested this with boneless, skinless breasts and it was just as delicious. Drizzle some olive oil into a cast-iron or oven-safe skillet and cook the chicken, skin-side down (or thicker side down), over medium heat until it gets golden brown and delicious looking on one side. If you’re anxious about internal temperatures, wait until the chicken is halfway cooked. For reference, this will be 85F for thighs and drumsticks and 83F for breasts at the halfway mark. Use tongs and some care to flip the chicken over, then fling the lemon slices, shallot, garlic, a handful of oregano (or large pinch if it’s dried), a healthy pinch of chile flakes, ¼ cup of white wine, ½ cup chicken broth, and a couple more drizzles of olive oil into the skillet before transferring everything into the oven. Roast for another 6-ish minutes, but keep an eye on the chicken to ensure that it doesn’t dry out in the oven. Pull the chicken when it’s about five degrees below your target temperature, then let it rest for five minutes once it’s out of the oven. Temp it again before you plate it. Thighs and drumsticks will be done at 170F, while breasts will be done at 165F. 28

Why’d you leave me? I wasn’t ready. And then you were. Well, life goes on….You

know, I think that life puts people in front of us, so that we can be prepared for what comes next. I was ready, because of you.

I hope life knows what it’s doing.

Exchange between Shawn Hunter and Angela Moore (portrayed by Rider Strong and Trina McGee) on Season 2, Episode 8 of Girl Meets World: Girl Meets Hurricane

The methodology for this crispy tofu bowl comes from a crispy tempeh recipe from Run Fast, Cook Fast, Eat Slow by Shalene Flanagan and Elyse Kopecky. I am always a runner, but I eat this when I’m having trouble feeling like one. Cut a block of tofu into bite-size cubes, and put into a pot with 1/2 cup shoyu, a few cloves of smashed garlic, some chopped ginger, and 2 ½ cups of water k5x water-to-shoyu ratio). Bring to a boil, then lower the heat until tofu is heated through. Use a colander to drain the cooking liquid, then heat olive oil in a cast-iron skillet or frying pan over medium-high heat. Once the oil is hot, use chopsticks to place the tofu cubes in the pan and fry until crispy on both sides (no more than 3 minutes per side, otherwise you’ll end up with rubber). Work in small batches, so as not to crowd the pan. Drain the tofu on a plate lined with paper towels, then serve over steamed rice with furikake, chili crisp or sriracha, sliced jalapeños, cilantro, and green onions. Drizzle Maggi seasoning over the top, if you need more umami flavor.

They don’t love you like I love you.

Hook for Hold Up from Beyonce’s Lemonade album, repurposed from the chorus of Maps from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs Fever to Tell album. Adjustment generally credited to Ezra Koenig, with the song co-writing credits given to Thomas Wesley Pentz, Ezra Koenig, Beyonce, Emile Haynie, Joshua Tillman, Uzoechi Emenike, Sean Rhoden, Doc Pomus, Mort Shuman, DeAndre Way, Antonio Raldolph, Kelvin McConnell, Brian Chase, Karen Orzolek, and Nick Zinner

We have to learn to be loved just as much as we have to learn to love. As with most things that are absolutely worth it, it takes the perception of zero work in the beginning and the choice to work somewhere around the middle. Loving yourself more than anyone else doesn’t always come before entering any form of a relationship, and it’s not a requirement, but it certainly helps. Vulnerability is a source of both terror and strength, and needs to come with clearly-stated boundaries so that no one is taken advantage of. Being woke does not mean using key terminology to be passive-aggressive or center your ego in an interaction, and it is literally no one’s business to discuss the endeavors – or lack thereof of someone’s body or uterus. Beware of those who are not able to have serious conversations about sex or consent and know that if something doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not right. Start before you are ready, but don’t blow past the point of comfort just for the sake of doing it. At the same time, know that you are always capable of doing hard things. This applies to anything related to running or training, the kitchen, or a partnership. For incredibly easy salmon on days when you’re too tired, lazy, or irritable to stand next to a pan and ensure that skin gets crispy, preheat an oven to 425F. Line a baking sheet with foil for easy clean-up and season salmon with salt, roughly equal parts olive oil and shoyu, and furikake. Roast for 12 minutes and call it a day in front of the TV.