From the Publisher

You’ve heard noises in the night, right? You probably think it’s the wind, or maybe the house settling. It’s not. Don’t turn your back on the microwave

Arnold was right: the machines are out to get us.

STORY: FRED HILTON

It’s not as though we weren’t warned. We were told years ago this would happen. The warning came through a highly reliable source—a movie. Admittedly, there are some sources of information that are more dependable—comic books and the internet, for example. But movies are pretty good about providing 100 percent accurate information.

We learned from the movie “The Terminator” that machines were going to turn on us and attack us. No less a source than Arnold Schwarzenegger starred in “The Terminator” as an evil killer cyborg who turned into a good guy killer cyborg in the 32 sequels to the original. Arnold later became governor of California and certainly there’s no one you can believe more than a governor. All governors are good guys who tell the truth all the time, right? Especially governors of California who moonlight as killer cyborgs.

Do you want to argue with Arnold? He turned 70 last year but still could snap you in half like a twig or the titanium spinal cord of a bad cyborg.

So, forewarned is forearmed. Machines in your house are out to get you. Machines in my house are clearly after me.

You’ve heard noises in the night, right? You probably think it’s the wind, or maybe the house settling. It’s not. It’s the machines in your house talking to each other and plotting against you. The beeping and booping noises your microwave makes aren’t what you think they are. They’re actually machine-talk for the latest plot against you. You think it’s an innocent noise when new ice cubes dump into your refrigerator tray. Actually, it’s the fridge relaying the latest plans to other machines.

Machines plan to annihilate us eventually but not just right now. They may plan their attack in a different way against you, but my appliances are plotting together to make me think I’ve lost my mind.

Their evil plan is for each machine or appliance to stop working for no reason whatsoever. Then, a day or so later, after frustrating me and before I can fi nd a repairman, they start working again— also for no reason whatsoever.

It started with my TV. The remote turned the TV on and off with no problem. I still could raise or lower the volume. But the remote wouldn’t change channels. It was stuck on ESPN with closed caption. If it had to be stuck on one channel, that’s probably the best one. However, I need to be able to change channels in case “Game of Thrones” starts its new season this decade.

I was ready to wade through 47 options on the cable provider’s 800 number when the TV suddenly started working perfectly again for no apparent reason. I was happy but I’m pretty sure I heard the TV giggling.

Next on the list of machines trying to drive me mad was the computer. I was happily surfi ng the net when suddenly the screen turned blue with a silly frowny face symbol staring at me and saying there was an “uncorrectable error.” It wasn’t even classy enough to be a frowny emoji. It was just a plain old colon and a parenthesis. (Yes, that’s the singular form of “parentheses.” No, I didn’t know that, either.)

I was ready to send out a nerd alert when the blue screen went away, the cheesy frowny face disappeared and

all was right in cyberworld again. Again, for no reason.

During all this time, various smoke detectors occasionally would emit a beep that sounded a lot like “twerp.” One would twerp, then stop. Then another one would also call me a twerp. Then they’d all be quiet—until 3 a.m.

During this rebellion by various machines and appliances, my dutiful cellphone has continued its perfect record of working occasionally, then stopping for no good reason. Then working again, also for no reason. It’s part of the machines’ plot to make me think I’m losing what’s left of my mind. Of course, in the case of Mr. Cellphone, some of the blame might be attributed to the fact that I dropped him on his head a few weeks ago and smashed the screen to smithereens.

All the other machines are plotting against me, but there is one appliance I know will remain loyal—my dear friend, Pod the Coffee Maker. I call him Pod partly because of the coffee-holding thingies that fi t his head and partly in tribute to Podrick, the noble squire on “Game of Thrones.”

Pod knows I can’t function in the morning without his efforts. Pod is good and loyal and would never betray me.

Wait, is that a bug in my coffee cup?

Fred Hilton

Fred Hilton spent 36 years as the chief public relations off icer/spokesman for James Madison University in Virginia and 10 years prior as a reporter and editor for The Roanoke Times in Roanoke, Virginia. He is now happily retired in The Villages with his interior designer wife, Leta, their Cadillac Escalade golf cart, and their dog, Paris. (Yes, that makes her Paris Hilton).

THERESA MORRIS

352.360.3736

THERESA@MORRISREALTORS.COM

THERESA SELLS A PROPERTY EVERY 29 WORKING HOURS!

VILLAGES LIFESTYLE Low cost alternative for retirement living! Enjoy this golf community, right in the heart of the Villages! Upgrades galore in this custom home. Oversized kitchen with snack bar open to great room and dining area with cathedral ceilings. Granite tops thru-out home, cathedral ceilings and durable Berber carpet! Split bedroom plan with large rooms with walk in closets. Florida “sun room” with sliding windows to enjoy outside to inside all year long! Extended deep 2 car garage with sliding screens plus storage cabinets...water softener, too! Furniture negotiable...THIS HOME WILL NOT LAST! MLS# G4849252 // $174,900.

STUNNING HOME ON PRESTIGIOUS GOLF COURSE

with plenty of beautiful upgrades to include cathedral ceilings, granite counters, an office/den and more! This well maintained home offers plenty of space to entertain... your favorite part of the home will be the lanai, where it takes in amazing views of lanai and you will enjoy spending time in your private spa. CHAIN OF LAKES ACCESS! MLS# G4850610 // $369,000. CHAIN OF LAKES ACCESS with golf course frontage! Relax on the covered/screened lanai and take in all the peaceful views... beautifully maintained lawn and garden. Kitchen has plenty of cabinets, granite counters, new stainless steel appliances, custom backsplash and more! Large master bedroom with tray ceilings & French doors leading to lanai. Master bath with double door entry features raised vanity, double sinks and cultured marble countertops, Garden tub for “bubble bath” relaxation and large walk-in shower. This home almost has it all.. all its missing is you! MLS #G4850620 // $320,000.

CHAIN OF LAKES FRONTAGE! Desirable well sought after neighborhood Palmora Park! This stunning 4 bedroom, 3 and a half bath home offers tons of space for the whole family! Located in the heart of Palmore Park.. this desirable home will not last long! As soon as you pull into the brick paver driveway, you will fall in love with this beautiful and meticulously maintained home. Foyer opens to living room.. get cozy by the gas fireplace. Dining area with gas fireplace, too. Upgrades to include new drywall, electrical upgraded, solid-core doors with glass knobs, crown molding, 5” baseboard, vintage hardwood floors, Italian tile imported by the builder for the dining room, a beamed ceiling and built-in entertainment center in the family room and two brick patios overlooking the oversized yard which is shaded by Majestic Granddaddy oak trees. Kitchen features granite counters, upscale appliances including a gas cooktop, double ovens (one with convection), microwave hood, a freestanding ice maker, refrigerator, a farm house sink, and cabinets galore! Master is spacious. Master bath features jetted garden tub with separate shower stall. Den/office could easily be used as 5th bedroom. Convenient half bath for guests offers a beautiful pedestal sink. Wonder upstairs to your large great room with closets and full bath! With appx. 138ft of direct lake frontage, you can enjoy lake days everyday from your own property! Complete with a dock and a boat house with 2 lifts! You found your dream home. MLS# G4850789 // $519,000.

CHAIN OF LAKES...RESORT STYLE LIVING! Iron gated entry lead to “Serenity Babbling Brook” waterfall as you walk to front door sets the mood for “peaceful living”. Complete renovation & redesign by owner/builder with numerous upgrades... detached RV GARAGE 38x31 with 14 ft. drive through doors, aluminum seawall, private boat ramp & double boathouse with lifts designed for V Hull & Pontoon style boat...sea plane ready, new dock 2017! In Law suite with full living quarters with kitchenette, living/dining, bedroom & full bath. Formal living/dining room. GOURMET KITCHEN with huge center island, granite counters, walk in pantry, Thermador appliances with double wall oven, oversized refrigerator, 6 gas burner range & Bosch dishwasher. Family room with fireplace. Enormous rec room with wet bar & cherry cabinets with refrigerator drawers. Master suite/bath with jetted garden tub, separate shower & his/her vanities. Laundry room with full bath w/ shower. Award winning pool/spa with fiber optic lighting. New pool heater 2016. Electric & plumbing redone 2010. New roof & 2 AC/Heat units in 2015. Crown moulding, hurricane rated windows & solid core interior doors. Central vac. Creston home automation system include electronics, receiver, Amps, 12 Flat screen TV’S convey Enjoy new landscape with your own sand beach & “cascade waterfall” at waterside. Car enthusiast store up to 9 vehicles! ENJOY 153 FEET on LAKE DORA approximate 1.43 ACRES! NO HOA! MLS# G4841104 $1,200,000.

GOLF FRONT 2 bedroom 2 bathroom one owner home in Royal Highlands with neighbors only on one side. Popular open floor plan is great for entertaining with laminate wood floors that lead to the Florida room with a golf course view. Kitchen has granite sink, closet pantry and breakfast bar which make it great for entertaining.

LYNN HAYNES

MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR PRODUCER

352.516.0903

LYNN@MORRISREALTORS.COM

MUST SEE IN DEL WEBB This split BR plan has 3/2 with room for family to visit. Popular Providence model - formal LR and DR with an OPEN kitchen and family room. Large Florida room opens to a brick patio for grilling, bird watching or reading in the backyard. Master has two walk-in closets and the master bath has a two sinks, garden tub and shower. Community features over 60 clubs, 2 outdoor and 1 indoor swimming pool, 36 hole golf course, tennis, bocce & pickleball courts, as well as a baseball diamond. ONE OWNER! DESIGNER 3/2 BLOCK HOME with open floor plan great for entertaining. This well-kept one owner home is move in ready with beautiful hard wood floors, upgraded cherry cabinets, expanded dinette area, screen and roof covered lanai, under cabinet lighting, lighting rods, stamped concrete on lanai, stamped concrete driveway, stacked stone gas fireplace, and much more. COME SEE THIS WELL CARED FOR 3/2 one owner home in Bampton Village of The Plantations. Very private location at the end of the cul-de-sac with neighbors only on one side. Formal living and dining rooms are open to one another with laminate wood floors that lead to the dinette area, kitchen and family room.

PUT THIS ONE ON YOUR LIST TO SEE… one owner 2/2 home in Eagle’s Landing that you enter through Wedgewood. You will think you are in the country with a half acre on a cul de sac but close to shopping, medical and dining. All neutral decor with the popular split bedroom plan and open dining and living room. Kitchen has lots of cabinets and counter space with room for a dining table or island. Directly off the kitchen is a four seasons lanai with vinyl enclosed windows. Master bath has a garden tub, dual sinks, shower, toilet room and large walk in closet. Very affordable home with low utilities, a well and storage shed. Furnishings available so move right in and start building equity now.

Rich LeMoyne Regional Manager

NMLS#333158

725 E Alfred St. Tavares, FL 32778 352.408.5999 cell //352.742.1077 fax

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DUCHARME LEVENSOHN

RESIDENTIAL SALES

352.874.5906

KIM@MORRISREALTORS.COM

KIM CONNECTS… YOUR REAL ESATATE CONNECTION

ADORABLE, AFFORDABLE, AND A PERFECT PLACE for the winter months or all year around. 2nd floor location gives you a great view of pool. HOA includes exterior building, roof, basic cable, pest control, water, sewer, pool, & more! ONLY utility bill is electric and internet! $53,900

ESTATE HOME... HANG SADDLE HERE WITH 10 ACRES! Enter this magnificent estate through iron gate. Formal dining & living room. Great room with gas log fireplace with wood floors. Kitchen fit for a “chef” features high end granite countertops and custom island with sink, 6 burner 48†gas range with griddle & double oven, top compressor 48†refrigerator, additional wall oven with warmer, oversized built in wine cooler column, dishwasher, built in advantium microwave & slate floors. Master suite downstairs with wood floors & walk in closet with custom cabinets. Master bath with jetted garden tub, separate shower & vanities. Upstairs leads to bedroom 2 & 3 carpeted plus den/office or master suite 2 with wood floors. Family/bonus room. Stunning pool and spa with brick pavers. Summer kitchen offers a full sized wall oven, 5 burner gas range, built in ice machine and two refrigerant drawers plus mini refrigerator and granite counters with snack bar. Upgrades to include a 80-gallon water heater, security system and so much more! Ask your realtor to show you our attached upgrade list! 68’x60’ Barn to include 8 modular stalls, tack room and 2 workshops. Multi-purpose facility is upgraded to include appliances, half bath, TV/AV system, bathing tub, central ac/heat, exhaust system, modular kennel system, fire protection monitoring, 24’x25’ covered outdoor space for runs/equipment, all paddocks cross fenced and irrigated. Multi-purpose estate, this home has more to offer... SADDLE UP, RODEO HERE! MLS# G4837198 // $1,099,000.

THE MARKET IS UP!

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COOPER HOWE

RESIDENTIAL SALES

352.267.0770

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Highly sought after community in Eustis with over 3,800 sq.ft. of living area with 5 bedrooms, 4 baths, a home office, 3 car garage, 2 fireplaces, twin stairways, 2 new 4 ton air conditioners (2012/2015) and a brand new roof in 2014. Complete kitchen remodel in 2015 including new appliances and a third and separate hot water tank under the kitchen sink . Great place to raise a family and enjoy the waterfront living, skiing, fishing, tubing, and more on this spring fed lake. GREAT LOCATION...OFFERED AT $634,900

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