MENCOURAGEM HUGE THUNDERCLAPS OVERHEAD

WRITER: RICHARD BURGUET

You hear the thunder and know the storm is coming. Oh, I am not talking about a rainstorm, a tornado, or a hurricane. No, this is something far more dangerous than the forces of creation. It is the silence once all the air has been sucked out of the room after your wife asks, “Honey, do I look like I have lost weight?” Just so there is clarity, sometimes the following variations are used: “Do I look fat?”, “Does this (shirt, pair of pants, etc.) make me look fat?”, “Does this make my butt look big?”, or “I think I’ve gained some weight. What do you think?” Those are ominous words and it doesn’t matter how they are framed.

As the next few seconds tick away, you realize there is no possible way to answer the question and remain unscathed. What is a fellow to do in a moment like this? How can we cope with pressures like that?

At that very moment, we men wish for the shifting tectonic plates of the Earth to move and cause an earthquake that will swallow us whole. We hope that the opening of a sinkhole — much like the one that swallowed up a million dollars’ worth of Corvettes — would be a grand solution to our dilemma. But the world has stopped spinning and is awaiting your response.

Modern day “manwisdom” has offered all kinds of coping devices for moments like this. You can always play it safe with one of the old-school strategies by saying something similar to “Sweetheart, were you saying something? The ball game on TV is too loud.” Of course, there is the always appreciated man-grunt of “huh?” However, the problem with these solutions is the question always comes again, and sometimes with even more clarity and intensity. These are not recommended strategies! Admit it now; there is no safe or right answer. This is a trick question that is harder to answer than “could God create a rock that is too big for Him to lift?” When you answer her question, you will only make her angry, insult her, or persuade her that you are a liar.

Gentlemen, we need to know this is nothing new. These loaded questions always preclude a “safe” answer. It is actually the same thing as standing in the lobby of a dog rescue and having someone ask, “Have you quit kicking your dog lately?” This type of question has been around so long it actually has a name. It is called Morton’s Fork. Here is how a Morton’s Fork question works: You are presented with two alternatives, A and B. If you rush in and foolishly choose A, then something bad happens. If you choose B, a similar or identical bad thing happens — but for a different reason.

Now that I think I know how these questions work, I may have a solution: Just don’t answer the question!

There is another coping strategy I will offer you here — and it is not for the faint of heart. Pick an answer and get the pain over with. This is from the yank-the-bandageoff-quickly school of medicine. It may hurt — and hurt badly for a little while — but then life will go on.

From now on, when I am cornered with one of these impossible questions, I am going to smile as sweetly as my face can smile and say in the most loving way I can muster, “I love you!” … or “Did you know it is raining outside? I think I heard thunder.”

RICHARD

BURGUET, B.A., M-Div., has been ordained in the Presbyterian Church in America for more than 30 years. He has served churches in South Carolina, Mississippi, Maryland, and Georgia. Richard is pastor of New Hope Presbyterian in Eustis and is co-author of Covenants Disciples Workbook. New Hope is at 19535 Eustis Airport Road and on the web at www.newhopepca.com.