FAREWELL, FACEBOOK

WRITER: JAMES COMBS

My New Year’s resolution is to kick a bad addiction. No, it’s not junk food or nicotine. Those can wait until 2018.

I’m talking about Facebook. Much like a drug addict with a needle, I must receive my daily injection of Facebook. Thing is, it gives me a natural low rather than a high.

I thought Facebook would be an ideal outlet to keep in touch with family members and friends. I wanted to learn about their amazing adventures, their fascinating careers, their life accomplishments, and their beautiful children.

Unfortunately, my Facebook friends are not posting about any of that stuff. Instead, I receive a daily dose of hard-core political opinions, dramatic relationship troubles, boring status updates, goofy selfies, annoying invites, and fake news stories.

Doubt me for second-guessing my Facebook fanaticism? Here’s what my News Feed looked like today.

7:43 a.m. Rebecca took a driving selfie to let everyone know how beautiful she looks this morning. Hopefully, she’ll look just as pretty after wrecking her car.

8:56 a.m. Wilma wrote a somber and incomplete message on her wall: “I’ll never understand why people are so insensitive and mean.” Give us an explanation or don’t say anything at all.

9:27 a.m. Pamela took a pregnant belly mirror selfie for the 75th straight day. I’ll be happier than Pamela when her child is finally born.

9:31 a.m. Tabitha posted a TimeHop photo to remind us she visited Daytona Beach exactly three years ago today. I didn’t care about her post then. Why would I care about it now?

9:40 a.m. Rosie woke up with an upset stomach. The day before that her dog suffered from diarrhea. The day before that her vehicle caught on fire. Rosie’s posts are always real downers. I’m “unfriending” her.

10:14 a.m. Carrie made the all-important, life-changing announcement that she’s narrowing her friend list. Yeah, I’m sure all 675 of her “friends” are nervously wondering whether they’ll make the cut.

12:03 p.m. Samuel checked into Cracker Barrel. I’ve spent my entire morning wondering where he might grab lunch today.

12:56 p.m. Michelle was depressed and used a frowning emoticon to reinforce her mental state. When worried friends asked her what’s wrong, she responded, “I don’t want to talk about it.” What????

1:47 p.m. Kevin went on an anger-filled rant and dropped several F-bombs because he was mistreated by employees at a local retail store. Note to self: Never post on Facebook when you’re angry.

2:20 p.m. Mike posted a picture of his car’s thermometer and provided earth-shattering news: Florida is hot in the summertime.

3:15 p.m. Jackie posted on my timeline to deliver bad news: Facebook is going to start charging me unless I copy and paste a legal notice and share it with my friends.

4:18 p.m. Ryan posted a far-fetched yet attentiongrabbing story. Apparently, a silverback gorilla wandered from Africa to England and uncovered enough evidence to reveal the true identity of Jack the Ripper. Note to self: Don’t believe everything you read on Facebook.

6:10 p.m. Jay posted he “only” ran 10 miles today and vows to do better tomorrow. Humble braggers get no sympathy from me.

7:11 p.m. Bob, a staunch conservative, referred to Hillary Clinton as a “career criminal.” An intense political debate ensues.

8:13 p.m. Katherine, a bleeding-heart liberal, called Donald Trump a “sexist, racist pig.” An intense political debate ensues.

8:56 p.m. Lucy posted a picture of her half-eaten cheeseburger she’s enjoying at a popular chain restaurant. Please, get your food off my News Feed!

9 p.m. Terry invited me to take the “Are You Crazy?” quiz. I took the quiz. It concluded that I’m certifiably insane. That’s hardly surprising considering the nonsense and crap I sifted through on Facebook today.

I’ve had enough. I’m deleting my Facebook account. I promise.

Right after I comment on Jack’s status and congratulate him for no longer being constipated.