New year, new resolutions

A foolproof way to achieve new year’s resolutions.

Story: James Combs

It’s a new year. That can only mean one thing: You’ve made lofty resolutions to transform into a better and healthier you. Thing is, once the dust has settled from the holidays and life is back to normal, you’ll likely have abandoned those resolutions by Feb. 1. Your goals are unattainable because you set the bar too high. Fortunately, a little tweaking of your 2017 resolutions is a foolproof way to achieve resounding success in 2018. By aiming lower, you can still meet your goals without the torture of eating fat-free cottage cheese or throwing away a new bottle of liquor.

QUIT LETTING LITTLE THINGS STRESS ME. DRINK STRONGER ALCOHOL. GET OUT OF DEBT LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO BORROW MONEY FROM A FRIEND TO DO SO. SPEND LESS TIME ON SOCIAL MEDIA. SPEND LESS TIME ON SOCIAL MEDIA THAN DONALD TRUMP. RUN A HALF-MARATHON. WATCH AN ALL-DAY TELEVISION MARATHON OF YOUR FAVORITE SITCOM.

DO SOMETHING FOR CHARITY. BUY YOURSELF A NEW TELEVISION SET. AFTER ALL, CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME.

LOSE WEIGHT. DONATE YOUR BATHROOM SCALE TO CHARITY .

START SPENDING MORE QUALITY TIME WITH FAMILY. SCROLL THROUGH THEIR FACEBOOK PAGES WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

EAT HEALTHIER QUIT POLLUTING THE ENVIRONMENT BY THROWING BUTTERFINGER WRAPPERS OUT THE CAR WINDOW. GET MORE SLEEP. DRINK STRONGER ALCOHOL.

DO MORE TRAVELING READ ARTICLES ABOUT HAWAII’S GLEAMING WHITE-SAND BEACHES AND FORGET THE FACT THAT YOU’RE TOO POOR TO VISIT.

PURCHASE NICOTINE GUM TO STOP SMOKING CIGARETTES PURCHASE A MARIJUANA VAPORIZER TO STOP SMOKING CIGARETTES. GO TO THE GYM EVERY DAY FOR A GOOD WORKOUT. ATTEND ONE CATHOLIC MASS EACH MONTH. YOU’LL GET THE ULTIMATE WORKOUT FROM REPETITIOUS MOVEMENTS:STANDING, SITTING, KNEELING, BOWING YOUR HEAD, STANDING, SITTING, KNEELING… TRY SOMETHING ADVENTUROUS LIKE MOUNTAIN CLIMBING WATCH A DOCUMENTARY ON FAILED MOUNT EVEREST CLIMBING EXPEDITIONS.

HAVE A BABY. DRINK STRONGER ALCOHOL.

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Life sounds sweeter when your heart’s in the right place.