SPIRIT TIES MAKING NEW FRIENDS

We all need someone to make us laugh, to share our interests, to turn to for advice, support, and comfort. Yet, as we age, it may seem difficult to make new friends. That need not be the case. Making new friends is a skill that can be nurtured and perfected, just like any other skill.

In our teenage years, opportunities for friendship seem limitless. But once you reach your mid- to late-20s, those of similar age are starting to commit to marriage, raising children, and building a career. It is not that people over 30 do not wish to make new friends, simply that it is easier, and less time-consuming for them to stick to their old friends.

Of course, making new acquaintances is easy. Ask a lonely 30 year old if she knows lots of people and she may show you her 600 Facebook followers. But she may also complain she still feels lonely and has few close friends. Meeting new people and forming casual, shallow relationships is easy; making deep, intimate friendships is difficult. Yet in many ways, modern life provides better opportunities to form these sorts of deep friendships later in life.

To make new friends, it is important to ask not what you want from others but what others want from you. Many friendships are founded upon — and sustained by — a mutual interest.

Cultivate interest in a wide a variety of subjects. Do not focus too exclusively on your love of literature or football. Watch more films, learn to play poker, keep up with politics, or join a history group. People often regret not having someone they can share their love of, for example, the Beatles, or French movies.

Of course, cultivating lots of new interests is of no use if you are tedious, unpleasant company. Work on your people skills. Ask yourself what sort of other person feel small. If you monopolize the conversation, constantly interrupting and disagreeing, you are probably making your new friend angry.

Once you have taken a good look at yourself and done what you can to improve your attractiveness as a friend, it is time to seek out new people. Meet as wide a variety of people as you can and, above all, do not give up. You will meet many odious conversationalist you are. There is usually much room for improvement. The golden rule when meeting new people is to listen. That does not mean patiently waiting for the other person to finish. Really listen to what they say. Maintain eye contact, smile and nod as the person you wish to befriend is speaking. In general, people in conversation with others appreciate two qualities above all: enthusiasm and cheerfulness. Life is difficult, and often tedious, so the last thing people want is to speak to someone negative and depressing. Always be conscious of how you are making the other person feel. If you boast, you are probably making the individuals, and you will endure rejection. But that is true of any attempt to establish relationships with others.

Remember, no contact is ever a waste of time. Many people meet their closest friends through other friends. You may not care much for John, but through John perhaps you will meet Peter, with whom you will go on to enjoy a lifelong friendship. Sociologists identify three conditions necessary for establishing lasting friendships. The first is proximity. No matter how well you get along with a random stranger at a party, if he is just visiting from the other side of the country it will be difficult to build a relationship.