ENFORCING YOUR BOUNDARIES

WRITER: SCOTT PERKINS

Change is part of every relationship. Whether it is professional, social, or familial, there are times when unhealthy or inappropriate behaviors must be addressed. In all of these relational situations, the way in which we establish relational boundaries, whether by ultimatum or consequence, provides insight into our mindset and source of identity.

Ultimatums are often made at the height of frustration and as a seemingly last resort. To define the term, an ultimatum is the stated promise of a future behavior (usually negative to the other) if a condition is not met. On the other hand, a consequence is an action based on one’s previous experience.

What is the difference between an ultimatum and a consequence?

A first difference is who is being expected to defend the stated boundary. When an ultimatum is given, the unstated expectation is that this is another’s boundary to defend. With a consequence, you are making a choice in response to another’s choice; you are defending your own boundary.

In this fictional situation, if you were to give the ultimatum “call me that name again and I’ll go to the movies without you,” then the onus for action is on the other. It also expresses that there will be no response for what has already happened and unenforced boundaries create enabled behaviors. Instead, if the offending name is used there is immediate and appropriate action, such as saying “I will not share this experience with someone who is devaluing me” and going alone. Then it communicates that you take yourself seriously and the line has already been crossed.

Another difference is that ultimatums create a shame response in the other that may worsen the situation, while consequences lead to repentance. In the above simple scenarios, the response to the ultimatum and consequence may be an apology, but in which one has the person felt something is broken and needs repair?

What is a shame response?

Shame is the fear of not being loved or valued. In relationships, we often have to confront shame when we lose the sense of value another gives us. The same person may respond to shame differently in different situations and with different people. There are three responses to shame:

Fight response: This may be expressed by trying harder to receive value from another or as defensiveness or with accusations. “I may have done this, but you did that!” Finally, the fight response may actually lead to physical abuse. This is not acceptable, and you should physically separate yourself immediately.

Flight response: As the word indicates, this response is an attempt to distance yourself from the sense of shame. It may be an effort to blame someone else for the problem. You might say, “I only did that because you...” It may also be looking to other areas (i.e. job, sport, etc.) as a source of needed value.

Freeze response: This means adopting an attitude of “maybe I deserve this” or “I really am unlovable.” It is not usually expressed aloud, but rather in demeanor and lowering/not enforcing boundaries.

What does each of these tell us about mindset?

Using an ultimatum or a consequence indicates a person’s mindset in relationship with another. With an ultimatum, there is an expectation that the other person will provide value to you. The relationship is tied to your sense of self and sense of significance, which is why you are willing to leave past behaviors unaddressed and place action in the future.

Healthy and appropriate consequences indicate a secure sense of value. After all, the person may reject you after feeling the consequence; that is their choice. While the relationship provides value, when you offer a consequence, you indicate you are not dependent on another to provide a sense of significance for you.