6 minute read
BALANCED BOUNDARIES
Recently, I was reflecting on one of my favorite mentors. She was a rockstar consultant with a brilliant mind and excellent communication skills. She was consistently thrown into challenging and high-conflict situations because of her track record for figuring out the core issue and her ability to bring frustrated people back to the table to resolve it. If you needed something done, throw Jane* at it. She was the ultimate fixer.
She taught me a skill early in my career that I’ve never forgotten: she was an expert at classifying the urgent from the non-urgent.
I remember in my early twenties, rushing down a long hallway to gain her attention. I was so focused on getting her advice that I often would track her down and take the few minutes she had between meetings to walk hallways with her. In this particular moment, she stopped. Paused. Took a breath. And
then stated something to me very gently and very calmly: “This is not urgent. We are not curing cancer. No one is dying in this moment. Remember that. Now, what exactly do you need?”
This was a gift. It was a great lesson early in my career.
Now the interesting thing about Jane is that she was also a mom. A single mom. She was a rockstar in both her personal and professional life. I was lucky enough to get to witness her in both roles. We became friends over the years, as is often the case after working many long hours in corporate spaces.
I bring this up because, now that I’m a parent myself, I realize the role of parenting often requires us to attend to multiple matters of seemingly urgent issues all the time. Spilled milk. Broken toys. Ripped knees in faded jeans. Tears, frustrations, confusion— all of which require patience and compassionate understanding.
A few weeks ago, I was connecting with my distraught daughter. I took a moment, channeled my inner Jane, and I paused.
I looked at her and realized she was rushing and bringing an unnecessary sense of urgency to the moment. And as a young child often does, she simply needed to pause, take a breath, and be reminded that she was OK. This moment was OK. And we had everything we needed in that moment to meet her needs.
I de-escalated the urgency.
This was a gift for her. You could watch her whole demeanor shift. My daughter took a breath. She smiled. And then we went to work together, tackling the difficult thing that no longer seemed so overwhelming.
There is a gift in de-escalating a moment, decoupling the urgent from the non-urgent.
As leaders, our ability to do this is a skill. A skill that can be learned and improved with practice and patience. Our ability to de-escalate a non-urgent matter is a gift to our colleagues, our teams, and our companies. It alleviates unnecessary stress. It creates space and opportunity for clarity to arise in the moment. It allows us to maintain and focus our energies toward the
Anchorage Fri. Feb. 17, 2023
Dena'ina Center 8:30 a.m. - 1:00 p.m. AnchorageGoRedLuncheon.heart.org Fairbanks Fri. March 24, 2023
Westmark Fairbanks Hotel & Conference Center 8:30 a.m. - 1:00 p.m. FairbanksGoRedLuncheon.heart.org
Cinderella Tollefsen, MBA, FACMPE Alaska Trauma & Acute Care and Alaska Health Services 2023 Go Red for Women Chair, Anchorage
Nationally sponsored by: Live Fierce, Life is Why and Presenting sponsor: Live Fierce, End Tobacco & Vaping sponsor: Local sponsors: Media sponsor:
Ourability tode-escalate anon-urgent matterisa gifttoour colleagues, ourteams,and ourcompanies. Italleviates unnecessarystress. Itcreatesspace andopportunity forclaritytoarise inthemoment.
highest priorities and most vital issues. Our capacity to do this—and to do this well—impacts both our decisions and our actions.
When we decouple an urgent moment from a non-urgent moment, we are also offering individuals and teams relief. We get to show up as a strong and supportive presence instead of adding to the chaos. This enhances our connection with others, improves our team’s trust in us, and strengthens the team as a whole. Over the years, I’ve learned some valuable tools and techniques that support this decoupling process.
Is there simply a feeling of urgency surrounding the situation? Perhaps this is stemming from the situation at hand, conflict from a meeting that is unaddressed, or a habitual patterned response to someone or something. The feeling of urgency can range from stressful or pressured to even a sense of dread. Alternatively, urgency can sometimes feel more like excitement, adrenalin, or a sense of power and accomplishment from continuous “fixing.” These are two sides of the same coin.
When we are stuck in perpetual states of urgency (individually or within teams), there’s an underlying chronic stress which is not useful and eventually harms our bodies and minds. We lose focus. We feel scattered and unproductive. Tensions within teams are a good indicator of this.
Reflect on situations when you’ve experienced this personally and within your teams. Can you identify moments of unnecessary urgency? What impact did those have on you personally, and within your team? What actions or redirections might have supported you at that time?
Triage & Tradeoffs
Take a moment to look at your choices and consider the tradeoffs of prioritizing one action over others. When we say “yes” to something, we always are saying “no” to something else. Be aware of this as you prioritize something as urgent. Recognize the ripple effects that will occur for other stakeholders, colleagues, and projects. Take the time to recognize the potential impact prior to accepting the task. Ensure stakeholders are aware of the issue and that the necessary conversations and directives are taking place to address impacts, should the issue truly warrant the highest priority.
Shift the State & Let the Buck Stop with You
The gift my friend and mentor gave me was more than simply the labeling and classification of an urgent item in contrast to another item. It was the recognition and modeling she gave me to stand in that urgency and be the decider.
Take the issue in—fully within that moment—and don’t offload it. Drive it to completion or release it fully without the urgency. Uncouple the unnecessary stress surrounding that moment. This is the mark of a true leader: someone who can be there to support when it's needed and someone to lend the trust and courage to someone else who can handle the issue themselves.
Stand in the urgency. Decide. Shift the state or drive it to completion. That’s the practice. That’s the gift.
Next time someone comes to you with something urgent, consider whether it is truly urgent. Play with and explore your response based on the three tips above. Then see if you can offer some of Jane’s wisdom and provide the gift of de-escalation to those around you.
*Name changed for confidentiality.
Woodrie Burich is the owner of the Integration Group and founder of the Boundaries Before Burnout group coaching program. Her mission is to empower professionals to create sustainable and thriving work lives that enable them to enjoy more, stress less, and connect with their communities in positive and meaningful ways. Connect with her on LinkedIn and learn more at integratingwork.com. www.akbizmag.com
