Behind the Darkness by alex ionescu

‘This book puts the strain of having a mental disorder into perspective.’ -Allyx G. ‘Although this book is very dark, it is very well written and shows a very interesting viewpoint of the main character. “Behind the Darkness” is a book for all readers of “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime” and “Expertise”. –Ryan Gelpke ‘I am very impressed the way you brought the imaginations alive. It is very interesting the shift and face of the book.’ -Vishala Sriram

Behind the Darkness By Alexandra Ionescu

Elliot (Elliot’s point of view) “My empty stare just might make you want to think twice” Darkthrone- Sacrificing To The God Of Doubt The shadow-like creature resting in the dark corner. Watching me with its void-like eyes. With a trembling voice, I say: “What do you want from me?” I murmur, the room was getting darker and darker, colder by this minute. The floating creature did not respond. “Why are you here?” I ask. Then suddenly it moves in front of me, its void-like eyes, empty of life staring back into mine. Floating in the air, keeping its eyes on me, watching me, staring me down. It seemed so unreal but…but I couldn’t negate its existence. It must be real. I turn my back and reach for my packet of cigarettes. I’m not really sure what’s going on. It disappeared. Not a sign of the shadowlike creature. The room got darker as the night passed. I reach for my lighter in my pocket to light myself a cigarette, the bright light blinding my eyes for a few seconds. I take a drag and when I blow the smoke, from there it appears once more. Its voidlike eyes, staring back into mine. 5

“Kid, you don’t know death, you don’t know darkness.” It said. What does it mean? If the shadow-like creature means I should kill someone, then I’m totally up for it, but if the shady creature means I’ll die, then I don’t know what to do. The shadow, it moves through the tenebrous room. “Darkness took over, and darkness I became. I am the darkness living inside your mind, Elliot.” The creature said. What the hell… I should say something, do something, but I’m too cold, I’m paralyzed. My hands are numbing. The heat from my cigarette is the only thing keeping them warm. His eyes look deeper and deeper into mine. They are like infinite hypnotizing spirals, dragging souls into the madness. My cigarette extinguishes, and the room is somber. There is no light in my room.

One need not be a chamber to be haunted. -Emily Dickinson, The Complete Poems Its presence is still there. Elliot doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t notice it. As if guarding him. Levitating in the dark corner of the room. Having fallen asleep, Elliot forgets everything about the shadow creature. In the land of dreams, where no such thing as a shadow creature exists. As Elliot is falling into his dreams, the shadow creature falls deeper into the darkness, until it becomes one and the same as the darkness.

Elliot I transfer from reality Into a mental death Black Sabbath – God is dead The bright rays of sunshine peer though the black curtains. I’m not really sure what happened yesterday. I woke up in the night freezing cold, with dead eyes the creature was staring at me. I don’t know what to think anymore. It talked about darkness and death, but what did it mean by that? I might as well go for a walk, it seems to have stopped snowing, I should take my camera with me.

The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. -J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings Mist. Mist everywhere. The blanket of white covering the trees, the ground. He made his way through the forest thinking he’s the only one there. But, oh no. He’s not alone. He’s never alone. The voices never leave him alone. They don’t let him be. The shadow creature, standing in the shadows of the trees, where no light can penetrate the darkness.

Elliot It hides in the bloodworms that spew From the midnight black earth A nameless evil has come to this place. Spawn: blood & shadows “The snow has fallen and raised this white mountain on which you will die and fade in silence.” A voice said. I look around, and there was nothing, just the cold breeze blowing through my hair. Was it all in my head, the shadow of the night is it real or just pretend? The fog slowly makes its way down and wraps the trees and the forest in a coat of white. I take my camera out and take a few pictures. Taking a few steps forward I see a pond, frozen over. As I was walking, mist raised up from the pond upward the lacerated sky. Rays of sunshine tearing the sky into two. The sky was red. It looked as though blood had been spilled and the sun’s rays were crimson tears.

Let loose the anger, held back too long My blood runs cold Cannibal Corpse â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Hammer Smashed Face After a long day, Elliot finally gets home. With his camera in his hand, he rummages around in his room, looking for the cable to transfer the photos and print them. His room is never clean, his mom stopped trying to clean it. Elliot never lets her in. Somehow, his mother, Bridget, always find ways to complain about certain things. He opens the bottom drawer from his desk; he rummages through it until he sees the black cable under a notebook. He takes it out and starts transferring the pictures onto his computer to print them out. In fact, he has quite a large collection of pictures. Some were of insects, he had stood a few good days to capture them, and other pictures were of trees and nature, sky and water. Even though most of his pictures were taken in the forest behind his house, none of them ever looked the same. They were all different. The leaves were all different shades of color. The insects all stood in different positions. Suddenly Elliot hears the door open as he is printing out the pictures. Oh s***. He thought. Sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 11

already home. Elliot could never understand his mother. He doesn’t like her, he can’t stand her and she doesn’t like anything about him either, she’s not the only one. Not many people like Elliot, he has no friends. Everything about him scares people off. The way he observes people, the way he observes things that most people don’t. Elliot’s classmates are scared of him; they don’t understand him. He looks different to everyone else; he is tall, taller than his dad. He has a narrow, oblong face with angular cheekbones and a pointed chin. His eyes are as gray as a wolf’s coat. His long black hair falling down on his shoulders. Elliot’s sharp features are merely a reflection of his personality. He doesn’t like people. He can’t stand them. When he talks, he’s straight with people. Sighing, he clutches his bag and camera, takes the picture from the printer tray and hurries to the door, hoping he’s not going to see her. Great. He says to himself. His mother was standing in front of him, smiling, as though she was pleased to see him. “Hello, Elli.” His mother says, trying to give him a kiss on the check but he ducked away from her. “Elliot, not Elli.” He corrects her, he didn’t like when people called him names, especially girls names. She sighed “Okay, but only if you tell me what’s 12

wrong with Elli? It’s just a nickname. You can call a guy Elli. There are lots of guys on TV called Elli.” He clenched his fists, struggling for control, but he can’t control his anger anymore. The mounting pressure and anger had built up inside Elliot for far too long. Abruptly he turns around, clenched his fist and punched the wall. Little crumbs of gypsum fall on the beige carpet. Breathing heavily, Elliot glances over at his mother in disgust, while he pulls his hand from the wall. His mother, standing speechless, with her hands to her mouth, barely breathing behind her trembling palms. Taking a step forward, towards his mother, Elliot says threateningly: “If you ever, ever dare call me that, I won’t punch the wall next time.” His mother stood still gasping, shocked from what she has heard. She knows she can’t control Elliot. She braces herself and angrily, she tells Elliot, “ I haven’t raised you to behave this way, young man. Your father and I haven’t struggled to come here so you can behave this way! This is unacceptable. You’re not allowed to go out of the house for a month until you learn your lesson.” Elliot couldn’t help it but cracking a smile. This is ridiculous; she really believes I’m going to do what she tells me to do.

Elliot The world’s gone In my mind the horror lives Death from the past time Morbid- My Dark Subconscious Darkness. No light. I light myself a cigarette and when I blow the smoke, it appears again in front of my eyes, staring me down with its void eyes back into mine. The phantom, floating in the air, same as yesterday. I take another drag from my cigarette and when I blow the smoke, again it disappears. The phantom should be around here somewhere. I look for it but it’s not in the room. Maybe it just decided to leave. Maybe the phantom had to go scare some little kids. It’s weird; everything is weird since I moved here. I don’t know what to think anymore, I can’t control my thoughts. It’s like every single thought I have ever had just keeps coming back to me, in a rush all my thoughts cross and form new ones.

Straight out of hell One of a kind Stalking his victims Don't look behind you, Nightcrawler Beware the beast in black, Nightcrawler You know he's coming back, Nightcrawler Judas Priest - Nightcrawler Sleepless long nights, wasted in hope that he would one day he will talk with the specter. He knew little about the specter. The way it behaved, the reason for its presence. Questions without answers. Troubling himself with all these little things, his mind, going insane, spinning with demented thoughts, ideas, plans roaming his conscious. His mind blurred with uncertain thoughts. Everything began to spin the second he closed his eyes.

Elliot I wonder how life will be with a death that I shall never see I wonder why life must be a life that lasts eternally I wonder how life will be with a death that I shall never see I wonder why life must be a life that lasts eternally Burzum-Erblicket die Töchter des Firmaments (Beholding The Daughters Of The Firmament) After a long day at school, I come home dead tired. Silence. The silence that pierces your ears, that stops your thoughts . I decide to go to my room and look through the pictures from yesterday. After I spent a good hour looking through them I realize there’s a person behind a tree. It’s not really clear who he might be but… this person seems like he sees the spirit. With no fear and his eyes wide open, he watches the presence of the spirit. Will this prove that I’m not seeing things that it really happened? The night has fallen and it’s getting colder. I hope I’ll get some sleep tonight. In the past few days, I have barely closed my eyes. The spirit fills my 16

brain with unasked questions. It was mysterious and different from anything that I have ever seen. I haven’t even seen something like that in movies or in books…it’s different but it ought to be real…the person in the forest was a witness of the event, that person must’ve seen the shady creature. I must go back there, I should find them. I’ll take my camera with me just in case something shows up. I’m going to go back to the same place. It seems all right nothing is out of order. I take some pictures and nothing shows up on them. I try the cigarette trick but when I blow the smoke, nothing appears. Maybe it was just a dream…I think I should go back home, I’m just wasting my time here. I can feel its presence. It’s real, it’s here. It must be, I screamed. The sound echoed through the forest. Every time at night the shadow comes and shows before my eyes but it never says much. Every time the shady creature shows itself whenever it’s cold. It’s abyssal eyes stare back into mine, and its lifeless eyes seem infinite. I should say something, maybe hi or hello? But I remembered that when I saw the phantom for the first time, it didn’t reply. I don’t think it will say anything this time either. The clouds start moving and the piercing light of the freezing moon shines on the ground. The 17

shadow begins to float around. I think it’s scared of light or maybe it just doesn’t like it. The shady creature finally finds a place to float; it stays under a big tree, seeking a safe place to hide from the piercing light. “Elliot, there are many things out there in the made up world, some of them are real some of them are not. Sometimes you cannot see the difference but one thing is for sure, darkness is real. When darkness takes over your mind you will not be, well, you. You will become someone else; you will be a dark creature, a creature of the night. You will hate everything before your eyes, but there is also a light, the light of life and immortality. Now darkness rules all that is living.” Why is the shady creature saying that to me? What has it got to do with me? I’m nobody. I don’t matter for this world. I’m just a chess piece, a pawn ready to be moved. What if everybody has a specter that’s telling them the same thing as this shadow creature tells me? That would change everything. What if after we die, we become some shady creature? Bodies rot in cemeteries and souls haunt the world. Sounds like a goddam good deal to me. One must die in order for another to live, that’s the way it works. I take a deep breath and brace myself to ask the shady creature. “How can I stop the darkness taking over me? How can I control my fate?” The 18

shady creature seems concerned and busy thinking of what I asked. But the truth is, it doesn’t give a damn about anything. It just floats around, its voidlike eyes watching me, judging me, staring back into my eyes. “Elliot, the darkness is already in you. The darkness is in every one of us. You cannot stop it, it is the natural cycle of life. You cannot avoid the darkness but each of us has their own ways of dealing with it, some learn to ignore it, some learn to manipulate it. It all depends on you, Elliot.” I haven’t talked too much with the shady creature but I can say I know it already. The shady creature seemed lonely, lifeless, like its soul has been taken by a force and torn into pieces, like its heart had been cut out in front of his eyes and with that it has lost all hope in everything that is good. “But there is darkness, there should also be light!” I said with a quivering voice. The shady creature doesn’t bother to answer me. I sit down on a rock next to the tree and light myself another cigarette. The shady creature liked to appear and disappear every time I smoked and blew the smoke out. With this in my mind I hold in the smoke and tell the shady creature “Don’t you dare disappear, we still have to talk.” The shadow just nodded, and blinked its eyes in agreement or at least that’s what 19

I saw. I cough and let the smoke out. The shady creature is still here this time. Ever since I met the shady creature, I didn’t really think about how it speaks. I can hear the voice in my head, and it’s weird I can’t really explain how it is. I know the shady creature is real but how does it speak? How can I understand what it is says? How can I hear it? It seems like I don’t have an answer for anything really. I just wish the shady creature would speak more often without me waiting a few hours for it to speak. Oh well, I guess it is another night without any sleep. It’s not like I don’t have anything else to do. It’s not like I don’t have a bunch of books sitting on my nightstand, waiting for me to read them. Suddenly, the shady creature decides to speak: “Elliot, you are no savior, you cannot bring light to the darkness. You must learn how to embrace the darkness and not alter it into the light.” What does the shady creature mean by that? God dammit, It’s two in the morning, my brain doesn’t work properly. I can’t think straight and this shady creature is asking me philosophical s***. The thing is, that it wants something from me. Worse than that is that I’m somehow involved in all this mess and I believe something or someone depends on me at this moment. I bring myself together to ask the floating thing. “How do I do that?” I just hope it’s not going to take an hour for it 20

to answer, just a matter of life and death, I guess the shady creature is not going to answer any time soon. If I was a shady creature, cursed to hunt the world eternally and I got someone to talk to, I might as well take a few hours to answer, just to piss people off. I would have time to do whatever I want. I would have time to read, and float from here to there. Nobody could tell me what to do, and if someone tried, I could just float away and disappear in the mist or smoke or whatever. In daylight, I could hide under a tree or in the mountains and stay there to sleep and read. That would be awesome. The shady creature is still not saying anything – but oh well, it’s not like I can’t sleep or anything. I could’ve stayed the whole night at home playing Darksiders. The shady creature floats forward. “Elliot” the shady creature says. ”You must find your own way through the darkness. You can try to stay loyal to this” It paused for a second. “This kind of light you keep talking about but I am telling you. You are no saint, Elliot. Someday you will become the darkness…and there would be no light for you.” The shady creature said. Then it fades away. I slowly start walking home. Darkness here and nothing else. In about two hours I’ll need to wake up and get ready for school. I guess I won’t be 21

sleeping tonight. I haven’t looked over the photos. Maybe the shady creature has friends and they also float around the forest. I’m imagining the shady creature and its shady friends hanging out. I finally get home. My parents are asleep. I take the pictures and look through them and see the same person somewhere there, hiding behind a tree. It’s a man, some kind of stalker I believe. He was looking at something or someone, listening. Which is why the shady creature didn’t show up when I blew the smoke, maybe the shady creature had to scare the person away so it could talk to me. I’ll try to ask the shady creature tomorrow about this…person.

The love of knowledge is a kind of madness. - C.S. Lewis, Out of the Silent Planet A man, a shadow creature and the voices. Rumbling through Elliotâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s head. Messing up his thoughts. Elliot knows nothing about the mysterious man. He doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have a name. All dressed in black, as a detective investigating a crime. But his long white scarf, wrapped twice around his neck with one end draped down his black leather coat gave it away. He was just a simple curious man, peering through the trees, looking at the shadow creature.

Elliot No spiritual awakenings exists, extreme effort of pulling life. Vultures feasting in your consciousness, the factories of Mayhem is essence Mayhem-Slaughter of Dreams I arrived home from school, and as usual I’m tired and I don’t give a damn about homework. I might as well fail this year. I clutch my camera and bag, and then I step outside. The place was quiet. Too damn quiet. The birds stopped singing a while ago and the sun stopped shining. There’s nothing one can compare to the beauty of the forest. I take a seat on the log and look through the pictures I took. I must’ve taken at least 30 pictures of 30 different places but no sign of the person. Nowhere to be found. I reach for my packet of cigarettes and light myself a cigarette. I hear a swish behind me. When I turn around, a person stands behind me. He scared the hell out of me. “You can’t just creep people up like that! Please take a seat.” I gesture at a rock next to me. He doesn’t say anything. He seems a bit oldfashioned which is a bit worrying. He is quite old. 24

“So…How are you? What are you doing in these parts you don’t seem from around here.” I tell him. I keep smoking my cigarette. He still didn’t say anything. I just hope this guy replies faster than the shady creature. It wasn’t enough I was wasting my nights, now I have to waste my days too. “Actually I’m from around here. I am Swedish by nationality and heritage, but I see you, and you are not from around here.” He replies. He has a weird accent. Maybe he just hadn’t lived in Sweden for the past couple of years. “My apologies Sir, haven’t really seen you around much...therefore I thought you are not from here. And is true I’m not quite from around here. I was born in England and moved about ten years ago. My father is Swedish though.” I tell him. We don’t really seem like we’re getting along. “I’ve seen you talk to the void creature.” He says. But how does he know? True he saw the shady creature but I could’ve easily not talked to him. I might’ve just taken a picture of the forest and there it appeared. “Void creatures are dangerous.” He continues. “they are greedy, they are evil floating creatures.” In what sort of mess did I get myself into? “You should stay away from them. You shouldn’t talk to them, but I guess it’s too late now… Isn’t it?” he asks. 25

“Listen I don’t know what is going on, ok? Yes I’ve talked to the shady creature or whatever you like to call it “the creature from the void”, the shady creature seemed nice to me even though it takes hours for it to reply.” “Elliot, they must not be trusted. These creatures were people once, but during their lifetime, they did terrible crimes, crimes that are even nowadays remembered by the Swedish folk. They must seem innocent at first sight, but they can kill without any regret. They can rip your mind in two. Look what the void creature did to you! You come here wondering, day and night, unarmed and unaware of the dangers of the forest. Stay away from them, Elliot.” He says. I don’t understand anything anymore. Who is this guy? What does he want from me? “Listen you psycho, I don’t know or what are you trying to do but it’s not working with me. You say that these shady creatures are evil but the only shady creature that I met, was never that rude. And you say that they are dangerous? You stalk me! Everywhere I go, there you are; and I suppose you already found out a bunch of things about me before you showed up here. Tell me one good reason why I should trust you!” I tell him. He then stands up and replies. 26

“Maybe you are right Elliot O’Connor you shouldn’t trust me, but you shouldn’t trust the void creatures either. You shall trust no one because no one is to be trusted. I’m just an old man who is wondering through the forest to keep everything in order. But you Elliot, you are young and you should live a long life, without any void creatures. One day you will realize I was right, but that day, Elliot, will be too late to ignore the void creatures as they would have already taken over your mind. The darkness will take over you and you will become the darkness, with that you will lose everything. You will lose yourself. Mark my word kid, you will doom the day when you will meet darkness. Farewell Elliot O’Connor and hope our paths will cross again.” Then he stands up and walks away. In less than a minute, he’s gone. I remember what the shady creature told me… “Embrace the darkness.”

The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled. -Plutarch In confusion he struggles, with blurred thoughts he loses control. Trying to find balance between all these things. Trying to find a connection. Nothing it’s clear anymore. He’s lost in his mind. The line between the real world and the imaginary world has been erased. His imagination becomes reality, and his reality becomes imagination. Surrounded by real people from flesh and bones with blood flowing through their veins, he still has that feeling they are not real. He started questioning life, questioning reality and the imaginary world. Amongst his confusing thoughts he weeps. The walls he built, are broken down. Tearing down everything, in despair he’s going to find an answer. He can’t think rationaly anymore. Elliot could feel the cold outside numbing his every muscle in his body. His hands, bitterly cold. With a tedious gesture, he takes a drag from the cigarette. His hands shaking from the bones.

Elliot Looks like what drives me crazy Don't have no effect on you-But I'm gonna keep on at it Till it drives you crazy, too. -Langston Hughes, Selected Poems The shady creature is real but how can it be evil? How can it be bad? I think the man without a name is crazy and he has not the slightest idea what he is talking about. The shady creature had even the respect to talk and show itself to me and not creep behind my back. Peeking a look at his face I could see his eyes are sharp and piercing. His thin, aquiline nose gave his whole expression an air of tactic and decision. I haven’t seen the shady creature in two days. Maybe something has happened to it. Maybe the shady creature is now hidden in a place trembling in fear. I think it wants me to do something but it’s nowhere to be found. I don’t even know where to look for it. I don’t know where it even comes from. This is ridiculous, worrying for it. The shady creature can just look after itself quite well. It’s just a shadow, a black cloud, dense smoke, whatever it is that floats. Nothing can hurt it, it will 29

just pass right through it. The shady creature is like Kitty from X-Men, passing trough objects and people. I wish I had that power. He smirked at the thought of that. I could go anywhere. I could get whatever I want. Nothing would be able to stop me. But there is no such thing as mutants. Humans are as good as nothing.

A cold wind was blowing from the north, and it made the trees rustle like living things. George R.R. Martin â&#x20AC;&#x201C; A Game of Thrones The forest seems so infinite and full of mysterious creatures that live above the crust of the earth just like everyone else. His thoughts, meaningless in this reality.

Elliot What matters most is how well you walk through the fire. Charles Bukowski I guess I never belonged anywhere. Back in England I don’t have anyone. Most relatives from my mum’s side are dead and the other ones didn’t really keep in touch with us. On my dad’s side of the family… well, they are not that friendly. A few days ago my mom was blabbering something about me going to a psychiatrist, she said something about a mental disorder. I’m not going to go. I don’t give a damn about it. No such thing as a mental disorder. People choose the way they live. Blaming their behavior on their brain is not how it works.

Elliot Wake up, don't cry. Regenerate to deny the truth, The fiction you live in blindfold your eyes. Disclosure, self-loathing. This time you've gone too far. Or could it be, my nemesis that you are me? Children of Bodom- Are You Dead Yet? A shadow from the mist. A creature from the depths of darkness. A creature no mortal has seen before. A creature only the dead meet. Are you dead yet, Elliot? I was shaking like a leaf, my body was twitching. A voice. The voice, in my head. Warning me. Frightening me. My head, brimming with thoughts. Thoughts I could not control. Thoughts that take over my mind. My mind was filled with dark thoughts, spell bound by mystery and curiosity. What does the Voice mean? Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s going on? I wish I could figure it out, I wish I could understand it. As the time crawls by, I pick up my camera and go back to the forest. Venturing in the dark, stepping on dead limbs. The wind crawling through the trees, its sound, howling through the mist. 33

Not long ago after I moved here I discovered this place. A forest of the old, a forest of the cold. It never changed. I used to come here when I was 8. Since I found this place, I’ve became a different person. Closed in my own reality. Closed in my own thoughts. It’s quiet here. I’m calmer here. I can be myself when I’m alone, I don’t have to pretend I’m someone else. I take a cigarette out of my pocket, light it and sit myself on the log. I wonder if I’ll see the phantom again, or the nameless man. I haven’t seen them in a while. Maybe they both decided to leave. Maybe they just planned to kill one another and succeeded. I guess I’ll never know. It’s weird how people just walk in to our lives and they just leave. When you finally get used to them, when you finally get familiar with them and they give meaning to your life, they just decide to walk away. I wish I didn’t have to deal with anyone. I wish I could just be alone. To live alone, to make a living out of writing and photography. I can write poetry and sell it together with a photograph, maybe make cards. I would be more than fine on my own. When the sun sets and the forest of the old resembles a howling abyss, it begins to get a bit creepy out here. You can hear the wolves, the roaming creatures thirsty for blood, roaming through the forest. When I was younger, I used to 34

bring the wolves raw meat. They liked it. I always wanted a wolf as a pet but because itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s illegal and our family already attracts too much attention, I can never get one. I finished my cigarette, I take my camera and go in the forest. I have my knife with me just in case something happens. There is this wolf. It seems bigger than the rest and Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve never seen him with the pack. I call him Delduwath, which means horror of the night. I think it quite fits him. Even though I havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t seen him with the pack, he still can devour a man or men. I begin to think there is more to this forest than the eye can see. There is a mystery behind these trees, a mystery behind the mist, a mystery no man can see.

You know nothing Jon Snow. George R.R. Martin – A Game of Thrones Naïve as always. Thinking he knows everything. Thinking he has it all figured it out but the truth is, he’s just a boy. He’s young and he knows nothing. With his thoughts rambling in his mind, he cannot think straight. With rushing thoughts, he becomes someone else every time he speaks. His blurred speech giving it away, he’s not himself lately. He has become someone else. Someone who doesn’t understand nature anymore. Someone confused…confused by a shadow. Confused by that floating phantom. Where would the world be if everyone was like this?

Elliot I was rambling, enjoying the bright moonlight. Gazing up at the stars Not aware of a presence so near to me. Watching my every move Feeling scared and I fell to my knees. As something rushed me from the trees Iron Maiden â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Dance of Death A shadow floated around. As I walked into the cold I could feel the chill breeze. And here were forests ancient as the hills. The quiet peace taking over it. I almost expect the trees to get out their roots and start walking, start coming to life. The shadow floating around seems to be the shady creature. It looks like the shadow creature. I decide to try the old trick with the cigarette and the smoke. I light myself a cigarette and when I blow the smoke, nothing happens. I was at first disappointed knowing that the shadow floating is nothing more than a shadow or smoke. I sit down on the log and continue smoking my cigarette. The radiant light of the moon glowing over the dale. Such a beautiful image with the stream flowing down the valley. The light is fading creating new shadows, new shapes. The winds shriek 37

through the distorted tree trunks. The wind scattering the dead leaves everywhere. There in the deep of darkness the shady creature stood, wandering, peering. One step forward, the dead limbs and leaves crackling underfoot. I glanced at my feet, trying to move my next footstep quieter than the previous one. Abruptly a cold wind blows behind my scruff. I turn and there the shady creature floated, staring with those void like eyes not saying anything. “Hey there” I say to the shady creature not knowing what else to say. I was hoping for a response but I know that the shady creature is not going to respond any time soon. The shady creature is not alive but there seems to be a lively expression in its eyes. “You know I was beginning to wonder if you’re really real. You disappeared for days.” I tell the shady creature, still no response. Somehow it seems the shady creature judges me. Its eyes starring me down. “Fear of oneself, I see. You mustn’t be afraid, Elliot. You must learn the ways of darkness, you must embrace it. The darkness glorifies the strength of the individual” The shady creature said then it left. The shady creature just left, without saying anything, it just floated away like a black cloud driven away by the wind. Nothing makes sense 38

anymore, why would the shady creature leave so abruptly? Did I say something wrong? I swear, I don’t know what’s wrong with this floating black cloud that talks. Came here to find answers and found trouble instead. What a great way to deal with things. I gripped my cigarettes and lit one. I need a break. I don’t want to see anyone anymore, not the shady creature, nor the nameless man. No one, Elliot cried. “Young man, you mustn’t disturb the spirits of the forests, stop shouting, nobody hears you, nobody is going to help you, no matter how much you scream.” Dusk was falling rapidly covering the land in gloom, the leaves dancing in the wind. The place seemed alive again. Far away from people, far away from everything ugly in the world. Living, in its isolated existence, something of a recluse. Keeping away from the outside world. This is how I want to live. I want to speak with the nameless man. I want to know, I need to know the truth. The truth about me and the shady creature. I need to know what the shady creature is talking about. I must know if the shady creature is evil or not. I need to know if I’m going to die.

The unknown troubles on your mind Maybe your mind is playing tricks You sense, and suddenly eyes fix On dancing shadows from behind Fear of the Dark – Iron Maiden The wind howled and blew a coarse chill past the dying trees; dragged from the autumn ground, the leaves danced unwillingly in the air. A sudden sense of fear ran through his nerves like the chill of draughts, like he knows that someone’s watching him, like someone’s behind him watching his every move. All alone in the forest with the sun long gone, Elliot’s fear grows, disabling him from taking any radical decisions. He hears a voice, a voice that he heard before, whirling in the depths of darkness. Loose clouds like earth's decaying leaves are shed. His steps were springy; he walked with a lot of energy, hurrying his pace with every step. “You cannot run Elliot, you cannot escape from your own mind.” The voice said. Elliot ignored it, acted like he didn’t hear it. He kept on walking, not looking back. He slowly takes his camera out of his bag and turns around to take a photograph, not knowing what he’ll see, not knowing of there would be something worth photographing. In the hope of 40

seeing something, concluding that heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not crazy and hears strange voices in his head, Elliot turns around and snaps a photo. As he presses the button to take the photo, the fear inside him amplifies. A fear Elliot never felt before. The fear that heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not brave enough to look with his own eyes.

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. -Victor Hugo, Les Miserable The luscious and fragrant smell of coffee wakes him up a bit. He takes another sip and lights a cigarette. Walking up the street, heading to the comic book store. Every Saturday he goes there. Skimming through hundreds of comic books titles. The door was old. Scratches etched their way along the bottom half of it and the edges were uneven and cracked. Beware Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re Open. Elliot murmurs, reading from a sticker on the door. He cracks a smile when he realizes the sticker is with Emily The Strange. Keeping his smile on the face, he opens the door. Popping his head inside the shop, then rapidly shifting inside. Closing the door behind him, a loud bang attracts the attention from the few customers. They peek a look uninterested then return to what they were doing. Elliot makes his way through the judging eyes. Hurrying his step to the back of the room, where he finds all the comics he likes. Those comics that never get far, for the simple reason they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t sell out. Together with those he found a Poison elves comic set and some Spawn comics but since then he found nothing else good. 42

Elliot I swear to you, sitting a throne is a thousand times harder than winning one. George R.R. Martin – A Game of Thrones On my way back home. The same old path, nothing new. I just bought some Witchblade comics, hope they will be as good as the old ones. The shadow creature. Every time I turn around, I see just a dusk trail. Always behind me, always with me. Its ghostly black shaped body, and its void eyes. It barely talks, it can pass through objects Its body, like dusk, a spirit levitating. Its eyes, red as blood. I wonder, what does this shadow want with me? Why is it here? I have nothing to offer it. Nothing at all. What about the nameless man? What’s his business here? I swear sometimes I just want to disappear. I want to just go away and never look back. When I actually do look back, everything has perished. The person I used to be, it’s gone. Everything it’s gone. Everything’s lost.

Knowledge is power. Information is power. The secreting or hoarding of knowledge or information may be an act of tyranny camouflaged as humility. Robin Morgan “Elliot.” The nameless man shouts. “Elliot, wait! I need to talk with you!” Elliot doesn’t see him. He can shout as long as he wants, the music in Elliot’s earphones is too loud. No noise could disturb him. It’s a bit funny how people isolate themselves from the world around them but all they can think about is the world surrounding them. Thinking about other possible outcomes of situations, thinking about another life. The nameless man hurries his pace to catch up with Elliot. He grasps Elliot’s arm. “Elliot, I need to talk with you.” Looking weirdly at his arm. Intrigued, he asks him “What is it?” The nameless man takes his hand off; he looks down at his feet. Looking like he has nothing to say. He braces himself and tells him: “Elliot, you should stay away from it!” The old man says. He seems concerned about it. “It only brings trouble. It’s not real! It’s all in your head Elliot! It’s all in your head.” His hooded eyes, staring Elliot down. “Why should I listen to you? I don’t even know who you are! You’re just a strange old man!” Elliot 44

exclaims. “My name is Sigvard. As I told you before I’m Swedish. I’m from around here. I was born here and lived here all my life. Elliot, you need to trust me! I know what I’m talking about!” “What do I get from this?” Elliot asks him. “You get the truth my friend. The only truth.” “Fine. Go ahead. You have five minutes.” “Okay, the shadow is not real. It’s just a trick. It wants to fool you, but you have to escape it. You have to get away from it.” As he screams the last words, Elliot stops and looks at him. “If you say the shadow is imaginary then how can you see it? How do you know about it?” “From places. None of your business.” “Okay. Whatever. I have to go, so bye.” As Elliot leaves, Sigvard remains standing at the same place, not moving, not saying anything.

When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you. – Friedrich Nietzsche “Elliot.” The specter said in its gravelly voice. “What do you want?” Elliot replies. Breathing heavily, with his hands in his pockets. Losing his patience, he repeats one more time. “What do you want? Why are you here? You do more damage than good, you wretched creature!” Losing his temper, he takes out the packet of cigarettes; he sees there are no cigarettes left. He crumples the packet and throws it on the ground. Taking a step forward, he looks the phantom in the eyes. “You can’t scare me. You can float all you want; you can be all black like the night. Your eyes can burn like the flames from hell, you won’t scare me. You’re not frightening me.” “Are those your last words, Elliot?” the creature says. “Go away! Float away!” His orotund voice, loud and clear, giving him time to reason what he said. “I will never go away, I will be here, day and night, Elliot. ” The creature’s gravelly voice, throws him into a panic. 46

“What is it that you want? Don’t you have some other business to do? I don’t know scare some little kids?” Getting annoyed with the shadow. His thoughts, going on the same path, smashing into each other. Elliot not being able to differentiate the reality from imagination. “Elliot, we all go a little mad sometimes.” “I’m not mad you wretched creature!” Elliot screams at the shadow. “That’s alright, my dear Elliot. We are all mad here. It might not seem obvious but we are.” The shadow’s voices, resonating through Elliot’s mind, scratching his brain with mad screams. The shadow scares him, frightens him more and more. “Okay, sure. Now what do you want?” Getting angry, Elliot tries to hold himself back. “What do you want?” Elliot shouts. He steps forward and tries to push the phantom away, but his hands pass through it. He didn’t think this through. Almost hitting the ground, falling on his hands. The phantom, smirking or at least it looking that way. “Young man, you still have much to learn.” The shadow says. Sitting on the ground, grasping his bag and searching for a misplaced cigarette, thinking he will maybe find one. Lighting a cigarette, Elliot exclaims: “Just tell me already!” Shaking like a leaf, not thinking straight. “Why are you doing this, just tell me why!” 47

Elliot cries. Holding his head in his palms, sobbing, taking a smoke now and then. “Elliot, everything is obvious, the answers are in front of you. Just open your eyes.” The phantom says. Elliot’s lack of certainty is preventing him to put things together.

Elliot I hide from those that try to find me Scary things that's right behind me I lost myself, I must confess I can't explain how I got this mess Megadeth – A Secret Place All these lies. All these words. Making no sense. I should’ve listened to the nameless man. I should’ve stayed away from the shadow. It’s nothing more but trouble. I don’t know where to find him. I don’t know where he lives. If he even lives here. Going out there and looking for him would be just pointless. He’s the only person who knows more about the specter than anyone else around here. He’s the only one who can help me get out of this mess. The shadow was right, we are all mad here. Haunted by insanity. Not being able to have a quiet moment. All these thoughts, flying away, coming back again. I sometimes wonder, what’s the border between reality and imagination. There’s not a line separating them. I might be imagining all of this, I might be dreaming and when I wake up, all of this will be just a vivid memory of a life I once thought I had. What if all of this is real. 49

What if there’s not such thing as imagination. What if when I was little the ghosts that came into my room at night really existed, and it wasn’t a dream, I wasn’t imagining stuff. What if the little elves that sat around the Christmas tree were really real, and I wasn’t imagining them. What if everything I think about becomes real. Becomes real in a parallel universe. All the impossible things people think about, become real somewhere, sometime. Nothing can be sure. How I can be sure of what I think when there’s no line, there’s no border of where my thoughts stop. When there’s no proof that imagination really exists and it’s not a memory of past lives. How can I be sure that my thoughts are my thoughts. How can I be sure that people can’t hear my thoughts. People can hear me. They can hear me when I’m speaking with them. They can hear my thoughts. They can see every little thing I see. They can hear every little thing I hear. I know that now. It’s all clear. I don’t have the answers for any of the questions I think about. I don’t have answers because they’re blocking my thoughts. Preventing me from thinking something by myself. Nobody is mad here. Nobody. The shadow was wrong. It was so wrong. It tried just to confuse me. No one is here. I think I can put this in order. I can solve it. 50

These thoughts, these people who can hear my thoughts should be close. They should be really close so they can hear my thoughts. But no one is here. I can think straight now. I can put an end to this mess. When I die I want to be cremated. I want to turn into ashes. Then, they won’t be able to take my body, to take my brain. I can set myself free this way. All those people who die everyday and are buried, what if their bodies are stolen and those people get to live another life. A life that has been dictated to be different. There’s a saying that history always repeats itself. It makes sense now. Everything it’s repeating itself for the reason the same people make history and when the same people make history over and over again they repeat things. They remember certain things, it’s in their blood, and it’s in their mind. They remember old thoughts and they believe they are new. That’s it. That’s…that’s it. When I thought that this world couldn’t get any worse, it did. How can I look at the world the same way when I know nothing. Even though I discovered this small thing, who knows how many things are there to discover. Who knows what happens behind closed doors and graves, because I don’t. I don’t know these things 51

and I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think I will be able to find out every little thing thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s wrong with this world.

Elliot For, after all, how do we know that two and two make four? Or that the force of gravity works? Or that the past is unchangeable? If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable – what then? George Orwell, 1984 My life has been a lie. I don’t know what’s real anymore. Everything seems so non-existent. Everything I think about is obviously real but there is that one thought that intrudes my mind and makes me think. Is everything we see a dream, an illusion? How can I be sure of the life I’ve lived when everything is out to get me. Every step I make in any direction is somehow recorded and somehow someone, somewhere will remember. I’m trying to think logically here but there seems to be no one to talk about these things with. It’s just like everyone is brain washed. I wish I could just think straight for one moment and come up with a logical explanation for all of this. There’s none. This world is going nowhere. It’s just destroying itself. It’s like a bomb in slow motion. Slowly exploding, creating more and more damage. The wars are the small explosions the bomb created but it still has to finish 53

exploding. When the bomb explodes, this world will be gone. The clock is ticking and we donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have much time. I wish people would open their eyes and see what really going on in the world. I wish they would question their actions, their words, their thoughts. But nobody cares anymore, people just go through life, living with the idea that they are happy and forget to appreciate and look for the true values of life. And this is how you can control people. Impregnate something into their minds saying that itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the way of life and they will believe it.

The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind. Terry Pratchett, Wintersmith He troubles himself with thoughts that are not real. With ideas that cannot exist. Those ideas that have a small chance of happening but never truly happen. The reality crashes him again. Crashes into him in a way that he cannot get up. A way that will bring him just trouble. It’s not his fault he is this way. No one can blame him for this. His way of existing, just doesn’t fit in the “society plan”. Many have reasoned about the same things, but insanity took over them. Great philosophers, who questioned the meaning of all this but were crashed by reality. His mind will crush him too. It will crumble him in pieces he cannot glue back. But some of the pieces will be too small to realize they are missing, and they will get lost. Elliot won’t notice and neither will the people around him, but after a while he will be looking for those tiny, tiny pieces he once lost. When that happens, he will wonder what happened, he will desperately look for those tiny, tiny pieces but he won’t be able to find them. They are too small to be noticed at first glance, but together they make a whole. 55

Elliot Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?’ 'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him. George R.R. Martin – A Game of Thrones I need to talk with Sigvard. I know he knows something. He must know something. He knows all the things that happen in here. He must know what these people are up to. But…but what if he’s part of them? What if he’s part of those people? What if he’s putting together some kind of plan with those people to get rid of me? He must! I mean he’s kind of the closest person to me right now, even though I haven’t told him anything about me. He knows things about me that…that I never told anyone! How can it be possible to know those things if I haven’t told anybody anything? He knows about the shadow, nobody knows about that except for me! But somehow he found out! I can’t tell him I know about all of this. I can’t! He will probably kill me or do something to me! He and the other people will want to get rid of me! But…but I have an advantage, I know that they can hear my thoughts. It’s their secret. I know how they steal the dead bodies from the cemetery! It’s their 56

secret. I know there are many other people out there who have been put in this kind of situation, there ought to be. Goddammit, how did I get into this mess? How! My body shivers in fear and horror, I let out my last scream. I should’ve been more careful. I should’ve listened to the shadow when it told me that I don’t know death. I should’ve listened and left. I should’ve ignored the shadow and Sigvard. A man who knows nothing is a happy man, my grandpa used to say. Why do I always have to find things out? “Too smart for your own good, Elliot.” My grandpa used to say. He was right. He knew best. He was always afraid people might… might take him away again. Mom always said he was crazy, that he’d seen too many action movies and the fact that he was a cop. He worked in the Irish police department for over 25 years, investigating crimes. My mother says he’s gone crazy from all the things he saw but…but I know that’s not true. I know he was down to earth and he can think as good as any other man. Sometimes the stupidity of my mother just surprises me. She doesn’t take a second to think, she just says whatever comes to her mind. I just wish they would put more thought into their words. My mother obviously can’t make the difference between thinking and speaking. One more year and I’m done with all of this, a few months actually. I will finally 57

be 18 in September and I will go to university and get away from all of this. I will get a job to get myself a Harley Davidson. I will never come back here.

I’m protecting the innocent. If I step on a few toes meanwhile, so be it. Gemma Teller Morrow – Sons of Anarchy He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what his family keeps from him. He never wonders, he wishes to find answers but never searches for them. His mother… might not be the most intelligent person but she wants to help her son not to end up like his grandfather. She is afraid that something bad might happen to him, as it did to his grandfather. Elliot doesn’t know what happened to his grandpa, and never will he. His mother keeps a lot of secrets from him; she won’t let this one slip. When Elliot’s relatives accused his mother, Bridget, for not being a good mother, for not telling Elliot the truth she decided to move away together with her child and husband. At that time Elliot was still a bit confused about why they moved. His mother had to tell him something, she couldn’t just let the child wonder why they had to leave their home. So, she told him that they had money problems, that England was too expensive and they couldn’t afford it anymore. They also told him that they sold the house, so Elliot could never go back there. He didn’t argue with them at that time, there was nothing he could’ve done. The truth was that his mother was 59

afraid that the family was a bad influence upon Elliot. As Elliot was close to his grandfather who hasn’t been exactly mentally stable, his mother saw him as a danger. She didn’t let her father see her child anymore. Elliot missed him but his mother thought that’s the only way she could protect him. After the family found out what Bridget did, they all revolted. Aunt Shelly, wanted to take Elliot, away from his mother but she couldn’t. The whole family saw Bridget as a danger to Elliot. She wasn’t quite herself back in those days. When Aunt Shelly wanted to take Elliot away from her, Bridget took the child and ran away. That’s where she met Mervin, Elliot’s current father. Elliot thinks Mervin is his real father, but little does he know. “A day will come when I will tell Elliot about his past, but today is not that day.” Every day, Bridget kept repeating this, making herself believe that what she’d done wasn’t wrong.

Elliot I do not speak as I think, I do not think as I should, and so it all goes on in helpless darkness. Franz Kafka They are here. They are all around me. They can hear me! They are looking at me. They can see me. All these people around me, why are they here? Why did they come to this place? Visions blurred into my mind, the shadow’s spiral eyes contaminating my mind. I feel a slight twitch in my hand, a sudden chill. I feel like the world is melting. Faces. I just see faces in the spiral eyes. They are red, like burning flames. Those faces burning. Everyone is burning. I don’t know if I’m walking or running. I don’t know if I’m standing or sitting. I don’t know if I’m dying or dreaming. All I see are the faces burning into the shadow’s flame eyes. “Young man, watch it!” a pedestrian tells me as he walks past me. I can’t control my movements, I can’t see where I’m going. For sure I’m not going home. These…thoughts. I take a deep breath. These thoughts started earlier when I was going home, I never had these thoughts before. As I begin to breathe heavily I can’t put my thoughts in order. All in a rush, they crumble altogether. 61

I need to find Sigvard, he has the answers. He must know something. Although I’m not entirely sure if he’s like me or if he’s like them. He’s a bit odd but he knows stuff. Where can he be? Where can he go? He must be here somewhere. He might be somewhere around here. Goddammit. If I hope I will find him this way than I’m stupider than a potato. He’s not a goddamn dog to just sit around waiting for its owner. I need to think smart if I want to find him. But there’s no way I could simply find him. I don’t know anything about him. I will wait. He will find me. He found me a few times, he can do it again. Tonight I will venture in the forest, maybe he will be there.

I knew nothing but shadows and I thought them to be real. Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray The phantom hasn’t shown itself yet nor did Sigvard. Elliot’s still waiting, a tenebrous silence presses him. Sitting on the same log as always he lights himself a cigarette hoping he will have something to think about. There, where he stands. The empty forest around him, where no one ever dares to see, he feels safe. Away from all the people he feels safe. Nobody can hear his thoughts and nobody can dictate to him what to think. He can be himself. He begins to think about his childhood. How silly he was when he believed in everything. When he believed that dreams could become true. How silly he was when he said that ghosts and demons ddin’t exist. Even though, at night their presence still haunted his mind. He thinks of all those times when he thought about something in a total different manner then the way he acted upon that matter. When he said or acted differently just to impress the people around him, but later with age, he realized, there’s no one to impress but oneself. Since then, he has stayed true to himself and his thoughts. He gave his mind 63

sufficient weight to function on its own without needing any other encouragement from other people. Many years back, he learnt to be alone. Away from the people, protecting himself. That’s the way he learnt to live and that’s the way he’s going to live.

One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be family. Johnathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated Arriving home, listening to music and he’s tired from all the sleepless nights. Not thinking about anything in particular. When he steps inside, he sees his parents, waiting on the sofa. They seemed concerned about certain things that Elliot didn’t have the knowledge of. “Elliot, we need to talk to you, it’s important.” His mother says. Not looking back, Elliot goes directly to his room, lights a cigarette and then goes to his parents. “What? What is it?” He asks them, not able to see if there’s something wrong or not, their faces unreadable. Elliot takes this as any other conversation he had with them. He’s always passive he never likes to be directly aggressive to people. If they give him a reason to be aggressive then he sure will be. “Elliot, your father and I have put a lot of thought into this.” His mother says. Holding Elliot’s hand, or at least trying to.

“Your mother and I have decided to send you to a psychologist. She’s really nice, I think you will like her.” His father finishes the sentence. “Why the hell would you want to send me to a psychologist? Do you think there’s something wrong with me? Do you think I’m going crazy or that I’m somehow depressed?” Elliot yells. He’s angry. He would’ve never thought his parents would’ve done something so wrong to him. His anger builds up inside of him until he cannot control it anymore he yells again. “ You bastards! You’d send me to some stranger to tell me what’s wrong with me? Do you really think I’m that stupid that I cannot figure what the hell is wrong with me when something is wrong?” With a frightened glint in their eyes, his parents look at each other. A tear runs down Bridget’s cheek. She takes Mervin’s hand into hers. “We should’ve never decided this, look what happened!” She tells him, sobbing. His parents don’t really want to send Elliot to a psychologist but they have no choice. The way he behaves begins to frighten them. The way he throws his life away. They have no control on him anymore. He has changed. His not the same person he once was. They can’t tell him what to do anymore. He’s 17, that age where parents have no more control on their child. The psychologist seems like their best option. 66

“We’ve arranged an appointment tomorrow after school. We can give you the address to go there alone or one of us can go with you if you want.” The pale flickering light in the living room, was scratching Elliot’ s mind and leaving a scar resonating with the words of his parents. Still wondering why he has to go there, why does he need this? But without any answers he remains baffled. His hands closed into fists and he glanced sideways, not knowing if he should go back or go up to his dad. The thought of daring him to repeat once more the words that had frightened his parents before. With one rapid thought he decides to go back to his room and let this all slide away.

Elliot A sick thought can devour the body's flesh more than fever or consumption. Guy de Maupassant I don’t want to go there. I won’t trust that psychologist. I don’t care how nice my parents say she is. How can I trust someone I don’t know? How can I just tell my secrets to a stranger and have the that faith they won’t tell other people? How can I take drugs a stranger prescribes me? I mean don’t my parents have something else to spend their money on? Do they just feel that rich to waste money on a useless shrink? Goddammit! There’s already too much smoke in here. As I approach the window I decide to light myself a cigarette. Another cigarette won’t do much harm. As I open the window, I see the shadow. Outside staring at me with its void eyes. Red like flames coming out of them, I don’t know what it is, what they are. But its sublime eyes are staring back into mine, they are staring me down. “What are you doing here?” I ask the specter. “Elliot, Elliot, Elliot. You have disappointed me. You are nothing as I expected. You are as good as them. You are as good as nothing.” The specter 68

says. But…but what did I do? Why does the shadow say that? I did nothing wrong, more exactly I’ve done nothing at all. “What do you mean ‘I have disappointed you?’ Did I do something wrong?” I ask the creature. “Elliot, you never learn. You trouble yourself with foreign thoughts. You became what they wanted you to become. You are their puppet and nothing else. They control you, don’t they?” As the shadow says that, it levitates forward. It is in front of me, like right in front. I…I don’t know what it wants of me “You are weak Elliot. You are weak minded. You cannot hold your thoughts together, you cannot keep them for yourself. Moreover you ask me, if you have done anything wrong!” I know what it wants. The shadow knows that I know that people can hear my thoughts, the shadow knows everything. It knows that people are not what the seem and that within these people lie deep secrets. Secrets that they can never tell others, but somehow the shadow knows all the secrets. Somehow the shadow knows about my baffled thoughts and it knows about the fact that I’m going to see a shrink. That is why the shadow is angry with me. For the simple reason my parents are sending me to a shrink. Goddammit! I wish I knew things earlier. “What do you want me to do then? I’m trying my best to hold myself together but I guess you 69

don’t see that part.” This is getting annoying. I get to be told what to do by what? A shadow? A pile of black smoke that has some kind of red burning flames as eyes and somehow speaks? This is crazy. I shouldn’t even bother myself with this. “Elliot, Elliot, Elliot. You need to learn to do things by yourself and not depend on others. If I would tell you to do something, would you really do it? Would you sincerely trust me without doubting me and yourself? Would you trust a pile of black smoke that has some kind of red burning flames as eyes and somehow talks? Would you really trust me?” The shadow laughs. How the hell does it know what was I thinking? How does it know the exact words? Is the shadow one of them or is the shadow on my side? Maybe I shouldn’t be doubting myself or it when it stands right in front of me. “See you are starting to think, Elliot. Good. Now go on.” Goddammit! I can’t even think now without it disturbing my every thought. “I’m asking you again. What do you want from me?” I ask the shadow. I shouldn’t think of much when it is near me. I should just think of random stupid stuff to annoy it. At the thought of that the shadow smirks. “Elliot. I don’t want you to do anything for me. God no. Everything I want you to do is for your own self. Can’t you see? All these people, even your 70

family are against you? What did you have to say when your parents wanted to send you to a shrink? You didn’t say anything! What a surprise. You think you are capable of actually doing something, but you’re not. You stupid child. You stupid, stupid child. You really think you can make your own choices in life? Surprise! You cannot! Someone dictates you what you have to do in life. Someone makes the rules. That someone is me!” This begins to frighten me a bit. After all what can it do? If it tries to physically hurt me, it will kind of fail, because it can pass through stuff. So it will pass through me. “See Elliot. Everything I say has an effect on you. You always over think. It is not good, Elliot. It will only bring you more harm. Over thinking got you into this situation. Now you cannot get out.” “Just leave! I don’t want you here, I don’t want to hear anything you’ve got to say! Leave!” I tell the shadow. No response. “I will leave you with one thought Elliot. Kill or be killed.” And it leaves. I don’t want to think of this anymore. I’m sick of this. The whole thing with my parents and their goddamn psychologist, the shadow and all that stuff. I want just to sleep.

Words used carelessly, as if they did not matter in any serious way, often allowed otherwise wellguarded truths to seep through. Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul “Elliot, are you on your way to Ms. Sentzke?” his mother says. “I’m fine, Mom! Thanks for asking. How are you? Yeah, I’m on my way to her. Why do you ask?” Elliot replies. “Okay Sweetie. Call me when you’re done. Love you. Bye.” And he hangs up the phone giving no reply. For some reason Elliot always seemed to get annoyed by his parents. He never liked to be around them or around people for that matter. His mother didn’t call him often, knowing how he usually reacts when he’s not in the mood for talking, which doesn’t happen very often. His parents often found ways to cope with Elliot’s behavior. When he was younger, he said he had imaginary friends. This way Elliot actually had friends. He was joyful, but everything stopped when he was about fourteen years old. He started getting more and more aggressive. He was locked in his own imaginary world. But this time he didn’t have any imaginary friends. He had nightmares and 72

anger. People never really understood Elliot and they never will. As Elliot arrives, he stares at the piece the paper in his hand where the address is written. He looks at the paper then at the building. This is the place, he says. The reception hall was homely, quite cozy. The room isn’t bright; the dingy room feels like home to him. He makes his way to the receptionist and tells her he has a meeting with Ms. Sentzke. The lady, points him to a room on the left. As he enters the room, he sees Ms. Sentzke. A woman about 50 years old, with elegant long white hair, her face a bit faded. Her happy jaded eyes notice him as he closes the door. With an amiable smile she says: “Hello Dear!” As she approaches, walking steady on her feet, she shakes his hand and points him to sit down. She sits in front of him at the table. “Do you want anything to drink? Tea, coffee, orange juice, anything?” she asks him politely. “Uhm, a coffee would be good, thank you.” He replies. Ms. Sentzke had been a psychologist for over 25 years. She knows how to get inside the patients brain. Her patients don’t feel confortable just lying on a sofa and telling her their worries and nightmares. That’s why she has two armchairs and 73

a table; this way is much easier for the patient to talk. She wants her patients to see her as a friend not as a shrink. “Here you go, Dear.” She hands him the coffee. “Thank you.” “Your mother has told me a lot about you. So tell me Elliot why do you think your parents sent you here?” she asks him. “Well, I don’t really know. This is more my Mom’s problem, not really mine. I didn’t want to go to a shr…psychologist, my parents came with the idea.” He replies. “I know how it sounds, going to a shrink seems like a waste of time. I mean, sincerely if I didn’t have a PhD in psychology, I wouldn’t have gone to a shrink. Something I learned over the years is that sometimes we need help with our messy lives. Sometimes we need the approval of someone else who is entirely not connected to us. That’s one of the reasons people go to shrinks. Anyway, I believe you’re not interested in all of this. So let’s cut to the chase. What’s bothering you Elliot? Is there anything you want to share?” “No, not really. There’s not much happening in my life that is worth sharing.” Elliot replies. “Okay, then tell me about yourself. What do you like to do? What are your hobbies?” Ms. Sentzke says. 74

“Do you honestly want to know all the boring stuff about me? I mean as I said there’s nothing interesting about me. I’m the usual teenage boy, nothing special.” “Do you have any friends, Elliot?” Ms. Sentzke asks. “Do you really think I’ll be able to stand another human being for a long period of time without strangling them?” Elliot replies. He never had friends. He usually gets angry with people, even with the same interests. “Elliot, that is not good. Why do you feel that way about people?” “People have done nothing else but disgrace nature, the forests and the seas. They don’t appreciate anything good in this world. We just make our lives harder day by day with all this technology and destruction and we make it impossible to live life the way it’s supposed to be lived, They make stupid laws to stop us from doing what we want. Why are you asking me these questions?” “I’m your psychologist. I’m supposed to ask you these kind of questions. Now let’s stop with the silly questions. Tell me on a scale of 1 to 10, where are you emotionally?” She asks him. “About a two. Somewhere there.” 75

“Tell me what’s wrong Elliot. Why do you think your emotional status is a two?” “Well I don’t really want to be here, I’m tired, My Mom is going to start talking to me and asking stupid questions when I get home, and school is not going really that well. There’s your reason.” In the past few weeks Elliot had started skipping school. His grades had fallen considerably and his parents didn’t know anything about it. He just chilled at home, finished Darksiders I & II, Bioshock, Dark Souls and finally finished Blood Omen. Now he just started Skyrim all over again. “Elliot, let’s do a test. It’s a short test you don’t have to talk much. Alright?” Ms. Sentke says. “Yeah, sure why not.” “Are you at times much more talkative or speak much faster than usual?” “Quite a lot lately but I don’t have anyone to talk to so I don’t get to talk too much.” “Have there been times when you were much more active, or did many more things than usual?” “When I was little for instance, I used to be a bit more active but now I don’t really have the time and energy to do anything else.” “Do you ever feel like getting into moods where you feel speeded up or irritable?” “That’s pretty much me all the time.” 76

“Have there been times when you have felt both high (elated) and low (depressed) at the same time? How often?” “I guess so. It happens pretty much every day. Nothing special.” “At times, have you been more interested in sex than usual?” “No, not really.” “Does your self-confidence range from great self-doubt to equally great overconfidence?” “Of course, I feel confident. If I do something, I should do it with some confidence.” “Have there been great variations in the quantity and quality of your work?” “Honestly, I don’t really do much work. I’ve been feeling a bit tired and skipped a lot of school. So, I can say that my school work decreased but the quantity and quality of my work at home and on my own, increased.” “Are you for no apparent reason very angry and hostile?” “How else should I be? Is there another way of actually succeeding in life?” “Do you have periods of mental dullness and other periods of creative thinking?” “I’ve started to be a lot of things lately.”

“Are you greatly interested in being with people or do you just want to be left alone with your thoughts?” “Left alone with my thoughts.” “Have you had periods of great optimism and other periods of equally great pessimism?” “Like anybody else, of course.” “Have you had periods of tearfulness and crying and other times when you laugh and joke excessively?” “I’m not good at making jokes, but yeah… I’m like that.” “Okay Elliot. Now the test is finished.” Ms. Sentke said. An hour had passed since Ms. Sentzke and Elliot had started talking. Elliot barely giving any real information about himself and Ms. Sentzke trying to put together the information. Ms. Sentzke already knows more about Elliot from his mother than him, but Elliot doesn’t know that. She’s thinking about Elliot’s diagnostic. Maybe it’s too early to give a diagnostis. Maybe I should talk with his mother and with him more before I decide anything, she thinks to herself.

Some gave me soft words and some blunt, some made excuses, some promises, some only lied. In the end words are just wind. George R.R. Martin – A Clash of Kings As Elliot arrives home, he hears his mother talking on the phone she seems serious. He slowly approaches the room, trying to make no noise. He slowly opens the door. He sees his mother at her desk, talking on the phone. He decides to stay a bit longer to overhear the conversation. “So, do you think you can make a diagnosis so far? Do you need to meet up with him again?” What is she talking about? I think she referring to Ms. Sentzke. I don’t want to go back there. It’s just a waste of time. “How serious is it? Can’t you just make a guess? I will take him to a psychiatrist; he’s an old friend of mine. Okay, I’ll talk with Elliot and I’ll tell him to come on tomorrow. Thank you for your time and support. Goodbye, have a nice day.” And she hangs up the phone. Elliot quickly hurries to his room before his mother sees him.

In time we hate that which we often fear. William Shakespeare, Antony and Cleopatra A day passes. He needs to go to Ms. Sentke again. He is on his way there. He doesn’t really know what to expect from this meeting. He heard that Ms. Sentzke thinks he has some kind of serious mental disorder, but he doesn’t have a clue what is it. As this is the second time, he can’t say much about it. The psychologist is not that bad after all. The only bad thing about Ms. Sentzke is that she’s a psychologist and she is just dictated to say things she maybe has no interest in saying. A thought filled him with loathing. Why do I have to go to this goddamn place? I could do so much more in this time, he says to himself.

Elliot I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this, these thoughts, whispers in my mind. Laurie Halse Anderson- Speak As I enter the room, she says: “Hello Elliot. I see that you’ve arrived earlier.” “Yeah…got out of school a bit early today” I respond. “So, tell me Elliot, what’s new? Did you make any friends at school?” she asks me this question every time I come here. You know like my goal in life is to talk to retarded people at school “As I told you before, I don’t like people.” And here comes her speech… “Elliot, we’ve talked about this before you cannot be alone in this world. You need people in order to function, you need to be with people so you can develop yourself.” She says, with the look on her face that she thinks she will change me with her little speech. But how can one develop when one is surrounded by people? How can one be unique when one develops on pace with the others?

“How about no.” I tell her. Then she starts writing on the paper she holds. I wonder if she is actually writing something or she’s just doodling, like I usually draw in the class maybe she does the same. “How was school, Elliot?” she asks. Well, how can school be? You go there, eight hours a day. You stay in a classroom full with people you don’t like. The teacher has to explain the stuff 7 billion times for the people who didn’t get it at first and I just sit there drawing, bored out of my mind. Then every single break the people run around the classroom, acting like they are 5 years old. Oh, and the more annoying thing is their taste in music is horrible and they play their music out loud. I hate them all. “Well, I hate everybody at school, and I think it’s boring, therefore five days a week, 8 hours a day I waste my time in a place where nothing is new and nothing happens.” I finally tell Ms. Sentzke. “Elliot, how much do you know about depression?” “Well, I’ve learnt in psychology that low levels of serotonin can cause depression or other chemical imbalances or abnormalities can also cause depression.” I say. “Well, Elliot, I see that you know the causes of depression. Do you know anything about the treatment of depression?” 82

Ughhh. When is this going to be finished? I thought this is supposed just to be an hour and half not two. I hate her. Why does she keep insisting with this depression thing? It’s not like I’m sick or anything. I’m normal, like everyone else. “Well, I guess that the medication has something to do with increasing the serotonin levels” “More or less. Yes, you’re right. However, Elliot, I believe you suffer from depression. I already talked to your parents and they agreed that you should get treatment.” What the… Is she allowed to do that? “Lady, I’m more than fine. I’m not depressed. I live the way I live because I want to!” Those bastards, they agreed to this! Goddammit. “Elliot, here is your prescription. You will be taking Prozac. Do you have any questions?” “ What if I don’t want to take any medication?” I ask her. “I already discussed this with your parents and they have agreed. This choice is not up to you.” She responds. They didn’t tell me anything about this. My agreement with them was that I will only go to Ms. Sentzke and talk with her about stuff… but this is too much. I’m not depressed… I’m just ordinary. I’m no more than a boy who has an ordinary family, 83

and ordinary house and an ordinary life. The only things in my life that are not ordinary are my thoughts and my sketches. As I’m walking home I see Sigvard walking towards me. He always dresses a bit odd. He looks from another time, like he has lived decades and decades and now he is back to life to live another life. “Hey there.” I say to him. Stopping in front of him. “Hello, Elliot. What brings you here?” What brings him here, that is the question. Every time I go out, I see him. “You know… stuff, came here to buy a concert ticket.” He’s not going to ask anything about that. I don’t think he’s that interested. “May I ask, what concert? There’s a lot of music around nowadays. So many singers, it’s amazing.” Well I guess I didn’t expect him to ask me anything about my music. “I’m going to a Marduk and Carach Angren concert. I don’t think they are your type of music.” “Maybe not, but they sound cool. I mean the names… I never heard their music. I will…I will listen to them, Elliot” Uhmm, I don’t think he will like them. “They’re not really your type, but okay.” The only thing that is missing, is Sigvard listening to 84

black metal. It surprises me how so many people don’t understand black metal. There’s more to that music than just screaming and bad recording. “Uhmm Elliot. I wanted to ask you. How are you holding up, with the diagnosis and everything else?” What diagnosis? Holding up with what? What the hell is he talking about? “I guess I’m alright. Why do you ask?” I say. He can be really weird sometimes. “Well the psychologist gave you the diagnosis, of depression, right? How the hell did he know? There are only four people who know about this and I’m the only one who knows Sigvard. “How do you know? Not so many people know about this.” I ask him. “Oh yes. People know about this.” He nodes in agreement. “I found out from the other people. As I told you before, this is a small town, people find out things about each other quite easily.” “Sigvard is there anything you want to tell me?” “No Elliot, you know everything. The shadow creature has kept you updated. You know everything you need to know.” He says.

When reason fails, the devil helps! Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment Taking his jacket, preparing to leave the house. A walk in the forest to clear his mind from all of the troubles. He takes his knife with him too. Obsessing more and more over what the shadow told him, Kill or be killed. Carrying a knife with him just for his safety. Trees as far as the eye can see. “Elliot.” A whisper echoing between the trees. “Elliot.” The whisper is heard again. Looking around him, not seeing anything he keeps on walking. He should’ve stopped there and he should’ve gone home, but he continued on walking. Big mistake. “Elliot.” He hears the whisper again. “You have come to visit me. You are here, again.” He stops, looking disorientated through the ethereal prison of trees. “Show yourself!” he screams at the top of his lungs. “You coward, hiding yourself behind trees hoping I won’t find you, hoping I won’t see you!” he screams again. He turns, nothing behind him. Breathing heavily he turns back, to keep on walking, deeper and deeper into the forest. When 86

the phantom appears in front of him. Petrified, not moving a muscle, not saying a word, he looks the phantom in its eyes. “You’ve missed me Elliot?” the phantom. “What do you want?” “You know what I want Elliot, but you have disappointed me again. I thought I made myself clear, but obviously I did not. I guess everything was in vain.” The creature says, not moving its eyes off Elliot’s. Draining him of life, Elliot feels emptier inside. The shadow was someone, something close he had and now he lost it. “Listen I don’t know what you want with me. You expect me to do something then just tell me. Goddammit. So? Anything to say?” He begins to be more and more irritated by the creature’s presence. He can’t let the phantom see he’s afraid. “Kill or be killed.” The shadow says. Elliot’s eyes, laiden with sleep. Thoughts aching his mind. Closing his eyes and resting his head he falls in that dark land of never ending madness. Not long after he falls asleep, he ventures further into the forest. Following his instinct, he knew there must be something there. The answer to all his questions and the end to his misery. But he is never going to find answers there. He’s only going to find trouble. 87

As he ventures deeper into the depths of the forest, he is overwhelmed by a presence. This time it’s not the shadow but voices. Kill or be killed, Elliot. Is what he hears real? Intruding his mind, not being able to control these voices, these thoughts, these words. He falls in despair when he realizes these voices are not stopping. When they continue louder and louder and he cannot do anything to stop them! Kill or be killed, Elliot. Is what he hears real? His thoughts, lacking a definition, he cannot make sense of them anymore. He’s lost! He’s lost within his own mind. Why is this happening? Who are you? What do you want from me? With his last words he screams. Muddled by all these things he does not know and yet to be discovered. Kill or be killed, Elliot. He hears the voices again. Their sound amplifying intensively with time. Resonating through his mind. The voices stop. Silence. There’s no one in the forest. There’s nothing here. Except for him. Who remained mysterious and didn’t say much to Elliot. Him, who tried to actually help Elliot and get him on the right path but it, was as good as nothing. He failed. He did not help Elliot at all. He could not bring him on the right path. He only caused more trouble. At the end of the day he begins to reason about this kind of person. Not only just teenagers but adults as well. They are so focused on their 88

imaginary world. Reality is their enemy. Some might say yes and some might say no. But what makes a greater man that the reality he lives in? The reality he creates from nothing but his bare hands and gifted mind. How can one live just in the imaginary world and not in the reality? The greater man is the one who transforms imagination into reality. But Sigvard failed to teach Elliot that. Elliot believed everything he thought. Every sound and voice he heard, every person he thought of and saw, every thing he made and dreamt of, thought was true. For him there was no line between reality and imagination. Two lands united but separated by invisible borders. Elliot doesn’t spot him yet. He is hiding behind a tree. Wearing his black leather coat and his long white scarf, wrapped twice around his neck with one end draped down but this time he is wearing a hat too, a hat with a tall cylindrical crown and narrow brim. A hat that is usually worn for formal occasions, but what would be so important for him to wear this hat? Elliot still has no idea he is behind the tree, watching his every move. Kill or be killed, Elliot. The voices in his head say. He remembers when the shadow first told him this. It did not make sense at the time and it doesn’t make sense at this time either. He sees the phantom’s eyes. Those void infinite red eyes. He can 89

see them, in his head. In his mind where the shadow lies. Heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not alone anymore. He knows someone is there, someone is watching him but there seems to be noone around.

Elliot All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking. Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols, Or, How to Philosophize With the Hammer It was a bad idea to come to this place. I should have stayed home. None of this makes sense. The voices…the voices were real I can still hear them whispering Kill or be killed, Elliot. Clearly there are more creatures like the shadow that can interfere with people’s minds. This is not good. This is not good at all. I know there is something here. There is something watching me. There is something behind, waiting for me to make a move, but what is it? I can feel a presence. Someone’s presence but not the shadows. I do not think Sigvard has anything to do with this, after all he’s just an old man. Goddammit! What is going on? What is happening to me? It feels like I’m transforming into another person. It feels like I’m becoming someone else. As actions and thoughts define the person we are and we become it is in our hands to control our fate. But I can’t. I can’t control anything. I’m struggling with living. It gets harder and harder everyday. Life is becoming a living hell 91

and Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m already burning, with flames all around me, and little devils watching me with a glow in their eyes, smiling in enjoyment. As my skin melts like wax, they would be smiling. But the greatest evil is not the little devils that stand around me and watch me burn alive but the greater devil that allows and orders it to happen. I can see the phantomâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s eyes, they are as red as the burning flames from hell. They are as venomous as a Fierce Snake, poisoning you and then letting you die slowly.

Power resides only where men believe it resides. [...] A shadow on the wall, yet shadows can kill. And off times a very small man can cast a very large shadow. George R.R. Martin – A Clash of Kings “Elliot.” Sigvard says while approaching Elliot. He abruptly turns when he hears Sigvard’s voice. “What are you doing here, Sigvard?” “I’ve come here because I heard you were going to come here.” “Why? What?” “I want to tell you something Elliot. It’s a secret.” “What is it Sigvard?” “The shadow…it can read minds! It can control thoughts. You need to get away from this place! If you don’t leave now, they will haunt you forever!” “I’m sick of everyone telling me what to do. What do you really want? What is really going on?” Kill or be killed, Elliot. He hears the voices again. “Elliot, I don’t want anything from you, I want to help you. I was in the same situation as you when I was your age. I know how hard it is to cope with these things. I know how hard it is to always lie to 93

your parents and always make up excuses for where you’ve been. I know how hard it is to go to a psychologist.” “H…How do you know I’m going to a psychologist? I haven’t told that to people.” “Relax Elliot. It’s a small town, things go around. Everyone knows.” “No, Sigvard! I won’t relax. You know stuff about me that I haven’t told anybody. You follow me here and you stalk me. Now you tell me to just relax? What kind of joke is that?” Sigvard make a step forward, putting his hand on Elliot’s shoulder. “Elliot, listen to me!” Elliot stops him before he has the chance to finish talking. Removing his hand from his shoulder. “No I don’t want to listen to you! I don’t know who you are! You just came out of nowhere, you really expect me to believe you?” Elliot asks. “Elliot, this situation has affected you much more than it should’ve! You’ve almost dropped out of school! You stopped going to school, you play on your computer the whole day. You started drawing more and more. Are you seriously considering a career in art? Please tell me if I’m wrong, I know I’m not.” “How do you know these things?” “I told you, it’s a small town…” 94

“No, it’s not a small town! Stop saying that. Listen I don’t want to see you ever again so just go away.” Sigvard standing motionless, not saying anything, not doing anything. Elliot get more infuriated. “Elliot, I…” “No! Go away!” Sigvard tries to approach Elliot, at that Elliot pushes him. “Back off, I told you to go away!” When he hears what Elliot said he can’t help but feel betrayed. He tried to help Elliot and he’s just being a little spoiled child and refuses his help. Sigvard clenches his fists and the first punch glances Elliot’s chin. Elliot didn’t see that one coming. The second punch doubled him over, he almost fell to the ground. Whipping his blood from the lip. His pulse beginning to increase, Elliot takes his jacket off and he’s ready to fight. “Let’s see what you’ve got there old man!” “Elliot, I don’t want to fight!” “Too late, you started it!” Elliot runs towards Sigvard, tackles him down, sitting on Sigvard, holding his arm to the ground he punches him. Punch after punch until Sigvard’s face was full of cuts and dripping with blood. When he thinks he had enough, Elliot stands up. He spits on the ground and stretches his arms preparing himself for the next round. Sigvard is still trying to get up, holding 95

himself on his knees and elbows, his face facing the ground. Elliot hears the voices again. Kill or be killed, Elliot. He thinks this is his chance! That this is what the shadow meant. He doesn’t hesitate. He approaches Sigvard, grabs him by his coat and throws him to the ground and hitting his head on a rock. From there, he grasps Sigvard hair and starts smashing his head to the rock that was on the ground. Struggling for help. Struggling for escape. He has nowhere to go. He can’t escape, no matter how hard he tries. Elliot doesn’t stop there. He bangs Sigvard’s head continuously on the rock. Brutality now becomes his appetite. The cranium is cracked, the brain seeps through the cracks. Sigvard face covered in blood as well as Elliot’s hands. His facial bones start to collapse forming morbidity beyond recognition. Sigvard stopped breathing long ago, but Elliot continues smashing his face. Elliot still thinks Sigvard is alive. He can feel his pulse. But Sigvard cannot be alive, can he? His face is smashed in, his brain leaked on the ground and his cranium shattered in pieces. Elliot feels his own pulse in his hands, so strong he thinks it is Sigvard’s. I brought a knife to the fistfight. I’m gonna’ finish this bastard. He takes put his knife, grasps Sigvard’s head, pulls it backwards and slits 96

his throat. Somehow Elliot seems to have calmed down. His pulse is back to normal. He takes a seat next to the cadaver and lights himself a cigarette. Looking at the dead body he finds peace. He doesn’t hear the voices in his head anymore. This is what the shadow wanted. Sigvard wanted to kill me. If it wasn’t for the voices, I would be dead right now. The shadow is the one that really helped me, not Sigvard. Killing is part of the human nature, there’s nothing wrong with it. Sigvard was one of them. He wanted to control me, he could read my thoughts. He even wanted to kill me. If the police find the body, well it was selfdefense. I have nothing to be afraid of.

Somewhere there's a reason Why things go like they do Somewhere there's a reason Why somethings just fall through We don't always see them For what they really are But I know there's a reason, Just can't see it from this far Megadeth – I thought I knew it all “Elliot, wake up!” his mother screams, acting like he didn’t hear her, Elliot carries on sleeping. “Elliot, wake up, we will be late.” Pulling his blanket over his head, Elliot decides to continue sleeping and ignore his irritating mother. “Elliot, I’m going to open the curtains, you’d better wake up now!” And she does this shit again, can’t she understand that I have no interest in going to her goddam psychiatrist. Having no time to react, a bright light blinds Elliot. “Goddammit Mom! You really have to ruin every morning, don’t you?” Elliot says in an indignant tone. He stands up and rushes to close the curtains. “We need to leave in 15 minutes.” His mother says. Rolling his eyes, Elliot nods in agreement. “Well then, I’ll let you get ready.”

If I could just get away from this, from everything. If I could disappear or die, it wouldn’t solve much of my problems but at least I wouldn’t have to put up with all this mess. I just want an easier way out. My body is tense, my clothes suffocate me, I feel like I can’t breathe, like there’s no air. Everything is spinning. I close my eyes; I struggle to keep them closed. When I open them, it’s dark. Everything is black. I can’t see anything. “Elliot.” A voice says. “Elliot, what are you doing? Where are you going? Are you thinking of leaving me? Of, killing me?“ The shadow. I knew it was after me. I knew it. “I can hear your thoughts Elliot, can’t you see, we are one and the same. I am the shadow that lies within you, Elliot, and you’re everything I once was. You will never escape me, Elliot.” The shadow says. I can’t see it. I can only hear it. My mind, heavy with thoughts. I close my eyes; I struggle to keep them closed. When I open them, everything is back to normal. Like nothing ever happened. Picking up a new shirt, Elliot finally gets dressed. He clutches his jacket and notebook and hurries out the door. Outside his mother is waiting for him. “All ready to go?” his mother asks.

“Sure.” He replies unenthusiastically. Why does she have to do this? Why can’t she just be like a normal person, showing no emotion. “Elliot, I want to let you know that whatever happens, your dad and I will always be here for you, we will support you through everythi…” “Mom. Stop. I don’t care. I just want to get this over with.” “Okay, Sweetheart.” Sighing, his mother replies.

100

Elliot A good act does not wash out the bad, nor a bad act the good. Each should have its own reward. George R.R. Martin – A Clash of Clans The drizzling rain, hitting on the car windows. The music on the radio begins to dance on my nerves, to bring me to despair. As I always do, I take my earphones and blast out Carcass. “Mom, how long are we staying at the hospital?” “We stay until you get better and when the doctors tell us to leave. It doesn’t depend on me, Sweetheart.” Mom replies sighing sadly. “Elliot, you know you can always talk to your dad and I. We are here for you and we’ve been through what you have to go through now. We’ve all been teenagers, we know how hard is it.” “Yeah, sure. Thanks Mom. I don’t need your help, I can handle life on my own.” “Elliot, please tell me how you got those scratches…scars on your forehead. They are a bit unusual…” “What scratches?” When I look in the mirror I see them. All over my forehead… like I bumped my head against something. Sigvard couldn’t possibly 101

hit me. My lip has a small cut, but it’s not that visible. That one though is from Sigvard. “I don’t know, Mom. Maybe I’m sleep walking and I fell down the stairs or something. I’ve got no idea.”

102

Yes, sir. I don’t know how to say it, but after last night I feel different. I seem to see ahead, in a kind of way. I know we are going to take a very long road, into darkness; but I know I can’t turn back. It isn’t to see Elves now, nor dragons, nor mountains, that I want – I don’t rightly know what I want: but I have something to do before the end, and it lies ahead, not in the Shire. I must see it through, sir, if you understand me. J.R.R. Tolkien- Lord of the Rings As they arrive at the emergency room. A young doctor was waiting for them. Elliot doesn’t really know what’s going on and what his mother is planning to do this time. “Hello Elliot, I’m Andrew Johansson. Your mother and I are old friends. She called me today to tell me that you’ve injured yourself and that you might have to come to the hospital. So I thought this might be a great opportunity for us to sit down and have a little talk about your diagnosis. A few days ago she came to me, with this diagnosis from a psychologist, telling me that you might have Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder. As you may know, you will be doing some brain scans to see. If you have any brain damage from those scars you have over there. I believe this is the easiest way to determine of you in fact suffer from a mental 103

disorder or not. Anyway, as you can see there’s no one in the emergency room. I already called our ER doctor and he’s on his way. He should arrive any minute now.” “Sure, whatever.” As always Elliot’s mother doesn’t tell him anything. After 10 minutes of waiting and making small talk, the doctor finally arrives. He introduces himself but Elliot didn’t quite catch his name. Thinking about last night, blankly starring at the doctor while he’s talking to him, Elliot just ignores him. Now that he’s all awake and he can think rationally, he realizes that killing Sigvard might in fact have been a mistake. “So, should we begin?” the doctor says. “S…sure. I guess” with a trembling voice, Elliot says. “What do you mean begin? Begin with what?” “Well, I’m going to examine your wounds, they don’t seem that deep so you might actually be fine and don’t need a scan. However if in fact we do a scan then Dr. Johansson is going to explain you what’s going to happen.” “I’m going to explain so you know what is happening to you.” The psychiatrist looking dead serious. Not knowing what to make of this, Elliot says nothing. “Your mother has told me that you might have Schizophrenia. As Schizophrenia is a 104

really complex mental disorder, a psychologist cannot give a diagnosis. How does it work you might wonder. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s really simple; we use highdimensional shape transformations in which we compare a brain image with a template of a normal brain. Through this comparison, we then determine where and how the patient's brain differs from healthy controls. These methods are able to identify abnormalities that could not be detected by human inspection of the images created via MRI and, up until now, structural MRI has typically been used to diagnose physical anomalies like stroke or tumors, but it has not been helpful for diagnosis of psychiatric diseases. MRI produces images which are traditionally read mostly by radiologists. Now, we can do a quantitative reading of these images bringing out information that is not obvious to the eye; one can think of computer readings as computational scanners. It's a second level that says 'analyze this image and produce another image that highlights subtle abnormalities in the brain.' This is new information and we can use it for diagnosis of a larger spectrum of diseases and look for early diagnosis and prevention - such as the teens at risk of developing schizophrenia.â&#x20AC;? The psychiatrist says. Having heard the word schizophrenia so many times, Elliot still doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t 105

know what it is. He still thinks it is something to do with depression or something like that. He still doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t believe in mental illness and the only thought, roaming his mind is to get away from this place.

106

Elliot The pendulum of the mind oscillates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong. C.G. Jung “Mom, I want to go home. I don’t like this place. I want to go somewhere else. Mom!” I hate this place. I don’t want to be here. Why do they need to do a brain scan? Can’t they just talk with me and give me some goddamn pills to take? My mom wanted this; I know she asked for this. My father would’ve never let me to come to such a place. She is with them. She is one of them. They want to see what’s inside my brain, they want to know everything I know. I was right, I was so right. “Elliot calm down, you’re sweating. What’s wrong, Sweetie? Are you feeling alright? Are you anxious? You do know that nothing bad is going to happen. These doctors knew what they are doing.” My mother said. At that moment I wanted to tell her everything I know about these people. I wanted to tell her to get the hell out of here because all this is just a curse. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I know she’s one of them. She’s with those people. The doctors know what they are doing? They are just like trained dogs. If they are not trained, they don’t 107

know anything and if they are trained they can’t think for themselves. That’s what these doctors are. Why can’t these goddamn people see this? Is it that hard to realize what’s wrong? A sudden chill interrupts my thoughts. A fear embraces me. A fear I cannot let go. They heard me. They know what I know. They have found me. They know about Sigvard. I never thought I could get away with this. I mean it would’ve been too nice to get away with murder. I can’t believe it all came to this. Everybody is looking at me like some kind of mass murderer. I believe I’ve done nothing wrong. I didn’t kill him without a reason. He had to die. He had to! The shadow creature told me to kill him, the phantom said he was a bad influence and he knew too much already. The shadow told me he wanted to kill me! What was I supposed to do? Let him kill me? If I didn’t kill him I would’ve been dead by now! I remember yesterday, he threatened to hurt me. When the shadow said that Sigvard was going to kill me I didn’t believe it. I thought it was just a bad joke; he was in a way my friend. We talked from time to time and it was a relief talking to him about the specter. No one else knew about the shadow creature but him and me. And now he’s dead. No hope for recovery. Sometimes I feel sorry for the brutal way he died but he deserved it. He deserved every bit of his painful slow death. 108

I want to forget all this, I want to get away. I don’t have any mental disorders. I’m fine. I just want everything back to normal. I need to tell them. I need to tell them about Sigvard. I need to talk to my psychologist. “Mom, I want to talk with Mr. Johansson.” He won’t be able to tell anybody, right? He’s not allowed. I mean killing someone might not be that bad, I’ve done it in self defense, he wanted to kill me. It’s not my fault I was warned, I had my knife with me. I knew what I was walking into… “But sweetheart, I thought you didn’t like Mr. Johansson if you want you can also talk with Ms. Sentzke. Whatever you want.” His mother replies. “I think Mr. Johansson will understand me more than Ms. Sentzke. Can I talk now with him? Please. It’s important.” “Sure I’ll ask Andrew and see what he says. Wait here, I’ll go find him.” I’m glad my mom is friends with him in a way for the simple reason I won’t have to come back here another time. I just need to talk with someone and get this crime off my chest. After 20 minutes of waiting I finally see my mom and Mr. Johansson approaching me. “Hey Elliot, your mother told me you wanted to talk with me. Is there anything you want to ask me? Any problems?” he asks me. 109

“Actually, yes. I want to talk with you about uhm…more personal stuff if I may say. Would it be possible to speak now? We can do the MRI scan some other time. I think it’s important.” I tell him. “Sure, why not. I see no harm in talking. Let’s go to my office.” Andrew is tall and broadshouldered, with shaggy dark hair and bushy eyebrows. A pair of eyes the color of grass. He reminds me of my father a bit. As we arrived in front of his office he asks: “Do you want your mother with you?” “I’ll be fine on my own.” The only thing that is missing is my mom. As I enter the office, it is in the same kind of style that Ms. Sentzke has for her office. “Please come in Elliot.” He closes the door and takes a seat at his desk. “Please take a seat, make yourself confortable.” He says. I take a seat in front of him on the other side of his desk. “So what’s going on Elliot? How may I help you?” “Well, I don’t really know how you could help me but I just want to talk with somebody about what happened.” “And what happened Elliot?” “How can I be sure that you won’t tell my mom? How can I be sure you won’t call the police or 110

tell someone else?” I ask him. I want to make sure I’m not putting myself in danger over some murder. “I won’t say a word to anybody Elliot only if you give me your consent. It’s the law” “Then that’s good. This is a bit hard to explain and I’m not good at explaining things so this will be quite awful.” “Calm down Elliot. Start from the beginning.” Andrew says. “I killed a man.” Staring into Andrew’s eyes, I can see he is a bit shocked by what he heard. “Tell me more. How did it come to that? Why did you kill him? Did you know this man?” “He was in a way my friend. It’s hard to explain what really happened, it was night and dark I couldn’t see much. Everything happened quite fast. He hit me in the head. That’s why I have a few scratches on my forehead. From that night.” “How do you feel about this Elliot?” “I can’t really say I feel anything. I feel normal. I feel human. It’s just a bit weird that I can’t remember anything from that night. I don’t know what happened afterwards but I do know that the body is not there anymore. I checked and it’s gone.” My heart starting to beat faster and faster like it’s going to explode. “Elliot, are you sure it wasn’t just a dream?” “I’m absolutely sure. 111

“Are you sure the man was dead?” Andrew asks. “I smashed his head several times on a rock, I think he was quite dead. With his skull cracked open and brain falling out of the skull, what do you think?” “You really want my personal opinion on this Elliot don’t you?” I nod in agreement. “I think that you’ve done a barbaric thing and that there could’ve been other ways to solve your conflict other from fighting.” He says. Kill or be killed, Elliot. I hear the voice again, this time it was louder than before. Kill or be killed, Elliot. I hear it again. Kill or be killed, Elliot. Kill or be killed, Elliot. The voices speak louder and louder, faster and faster. Kill or be killed, Elliot. Kill or be killed, Elliot. Kill or be killed, Elliot. Kill or be killed, Elliot. “I’m not killing him!” I shout at them. I want them to stop speaking to stop telling me what to do. But now Andrew thinks I’m crazy and I have some stupid mental disorder. I should’ve stayed quiet. Goddammit! Why do I always think what to do and different ways of doing things only after I’ve done it. “Why did you shout Elliot? What are you hearing? Who are you talking?” he seems concerned. What do I do know? I didn’t mean to get this far. I don’t want him to know the whole story. He will just put me in a hospital for crazy people. I 112

don’t want to go there. Kill or be killed, Elliot. Kill or be killed, Elliot. The voices sharpen. Kill or be killed, Elliot. Kill or be killed, Elliot. “Just stop!” I shout at them to stop. They never do they always continue. They never stop… “Elliot, tell me what do you hear! I need to know!” “I hear these voices.” Kill or be killed, Elliot. “They are saying: ‘Kill or be killed, Elliot.’. I heard the same voices, the same exact words in the forest, when I killed Sigvard. The voices told me to! Sigvard punched me, and when he punched me the second time, the voices got louder and louder. I thought he wanted to kill me!” “Elliot you need to calm down. I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to help you!” he says. In the darkest corner of the room, I see the phantom. Levitating, waiting for me to…kill him. Staring at me I loose all my control. My hands start shaking, my pulse is raccing, I’m starting to sweat. I take my hoody off, it’s too warm here. I can’t stand it. Andrew grabs my hand, and stares at my wrist. When I look to see what he was looking at, I see a cut. About 10 centimeters. I don’t remember how I got it. It’s just there the same way the scratches on my forehead are. I didn’t see it this morning. 113

“Elliot, are you cutting yourself?” “I’m not cutting myself! I swear! I’m not a poser who cuts himself, alright? I don’t know how I got it. It’s the first time I’ve seen it!” The shadow is staring at me. Its radiant eyes take my breath away, suffocating me. I feel like there’s not enough air here. My breathing get heavier and heavier. “Elliot, who were you talking?” “Listen, I can’t tell you now. They are here. The voices and the creature. We can meet again and we will talk, but now the creature will hear me!” “Elliot, you’re staying here overnight for more examination! I cannot let you go in this state. You can talk to your mother and ask her to bring you some clothes, stuff whatever you like while you’re here.” “I don’t want to stay here!” He can’t keep me here! I’m going to stay in a hospital, God knows how long. I should’ve never told him anything. What happened to me! I need to talk with people? Something is seriously wrong with me. “Elliot.” The shadow says. I turn to look at Andrew, he was at his office doing some paper work. “Elliot, you should’ve never came to this place. Do you know what they are going to do with you?” I know this is an awful place but I cannot do anything to change the current situation. I got 114

myself into this mess now I need to get out of here. How do I get out from here? When all the doors are closed and there’s no way out? “Elliot, they are going to kill me. They are going to kill me if you go to that place. They are going to put me down. They are going to sedate you and then control your mind. You know how this works, you’ve figured it all out.” The shadow says and it is right. They are inventing some random mental disorders so people can actually accept medication and then they will put me under the supervision of doctors at all times. That is how people get controlled. This is how people get manipulated into doing what people in power want. “Elliot, you need to find a way out! You cannot stay here incarcerated without any control over your life. You need to get out!” the shadow says then it disappears. “Elliot.” Andrew calls me, I suddenly turn to look at him. “Who were you talking to?” he insists again with his question. “I wasn’t talking with anybody. Do you see anybody here? Because I don’t.” “Elliot, I’ll have to talk to your mother. We will still do the MRI scan and see how bad your condition is. I’m 100% sure you suffer from Schizophrenia. As soon as we get the MRI scan I’ll 115

prescribe you the best medicine that is appropriate for your type of Schizophrenia and condition. Now we should get going.â&#x20AC;?

116

The enemy? His sense of duty was no less than yours, I deem. You wonder what his name is, where he came from. And if he was really evil at heart. What lies or threats led him on this long march from home. If he would not rather have stayed there in peace. War will make corpses of us all. J.R.R. Tolkien- Lord of the Rings Directly as they arrive in the hallway. Mr. Johansson points Elliot and his mother to the ER again. On their way there, a nurse comes to take Elliot in a wheelchair to go to the ER as he is clearly under a lot of distress. Mr. Johansson and Bridget wait outside the ER so they won’t cause Elliot any distress. Mr. Johansson updates Bridget on Elliot’s situation and tells her: “Elliot, suffers from Paranoid Schizophrenia. He has experienced some shocking episodes. A few even happened in my office. He said he killed someone. However, that person was imaginary. He even claimed the body has gone from there and I made a few calls to the police department and they searched the zone and found nothing. Now my next question is if there’s anyone in your family who has or had schizophrenia?” Mr. Johansson asks her. Shocked not knowing what to say. She decides to tell him the truth. 117

“My father suffered from a mental disorder. I think it was schizophrenia. We never sent him to a hospital or anything so we don’t know for sure.” “That’s good to know. In the following days I’ll do more examinations on Elliot. However we will need to keep him for a few days. You should talk with him. We won’t be doing the MRI scan, I believe we don’t need it.” “Elliot, I’ve talked with the doctor and he said you’re going to stay here a few more days for examinations. Are you alright with that sweetie? Do you want me to bring you anything from home?” his mother asks him. “Mom, why am I staying here? I am fine!” “Honey, the doctor said you have paranoid schizophrenia!” “How long am I going to be stuck in this place?” “I don’t know. When you get better you will be able to get out of here. You will get better Honey I promise you!” As his mother ran her fingers through his hair, it was time for her to go. She kisses his forehead and goes. As his mother leaves, someone else enters the door, or something enters the door. The shadow creature came to visit him. “Hello Elliot.” “Hi. Why are you here?” 118

“I came to say goodbye. I will disappear soon. You will forget me, like I was never here. Only your strong will, will be able to keep me alive. To accomplish that you need to not to give in. You need to not let yourself be controlled by these people here. I have lost many good friends in this place. I visited them but they forgot me. They can’t see me anymore and I cannot see them. This place will remain a mystery to me. All I want to say is that, this place stops any contact with the outside world, even with me. The decision is yours to make. If you still want to see me and embrace the darkness, don’t listen to them but if you want to become normal like them, then you should listen to them. Farewell, Elliot.” And it disappears.

119

120