The 'Good' Goodbye

BY MARY ANN BARTON

Benjamin Franklin once said nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Although death is inevitable, it's often a shock when someone close to you passes away, even when they are elderly.

How can you make such a momentous and sad event "good"?

After experiencing the death of several close family members in the past few years, I feel like I've learned a thing or two when it comes to planning ahead, memorial services and even how to cope with the loss afterward.

Make Time

My mother passed away earlier this year and my brothers, sister and I were lucky enough to visit her several times before she died. My lesson to pass along here is if you're questioning whether to take off work or take that flight to visit a loved one, go. It might be your last visit. If the phone rings and it's a loved one, don't send it to voicemail and promise yourself that you’ll call later. Take the call.

Be Grateful

The conversations we had toward the end of my mother's life were mostly walking down memory lane — from her childhood in Memphis to our years living in South America, Minneapolis and Houston. I think it was important for her to hear that she had led a full life in her 88 years, and that is what we talked about.

Ask for Help

Find someone to talk to, whether it's a relative or friend, about the person who is dying or passed away. So many times, people think they have to tiptoe around the subject, but I found that I wanted to talk about it. If you or someone you know is religious, be sure to call on clergy who will make time to visit someone who is getting close to dying as well as their family. If you aren't religious, call on close friends and family members.

Obituary

We had joked over the years a little bit about what my mother might want in an obituary someday — and I think we hit all of the high notes when the day finally came. These days, newspaper obituaries can be on the pricey side, but if you get all your solid facts into the newspaper with information about where to find a longer obituary (on the funeral home web site or legacy.com, for example). One question you might ask someone who is elderly is if they have a preference on what photo to use.

Don’t be afraid of humor. (The saying “It’s funny because it’s true!” comes to mind.) One of the funniest obits ever published, in The Hartford Courant, was for a man named Joe Heller, who died at 82. His paid obituary, written by a daughter for mainly his friends (but it ended up going viral), read that he was a "consummate napper" and a "regular browser of collectibles at the dump."

Service

If you belong to a house of worship, you'll work with the staff and clergy to create a memorable service. This can include readings by friends and family, hymn and music choices, flowers and eulogies. For my late husband, the Christ Church organist ended the service with a flourish from the organ that included Paul's Aggie War Hymn from Texas A&M. Some religions do not allow eulogies. Afterward, many plan a luncheon or catered reception held either at home, at the house of worship or a local restaurant. It's a great chance to remember your loved one with others. Many skip flowers and instead request donations to a loved one's favorite charity.

Burial

Death can be expensive. For many, cremation is the choice these days over burial, partly due to the cost being less expensive. But you'll want to contact the funeral home (ahead of time to find out the cost, if you can) and find out what is included. Usually, a funeral home can help you with choosing an urn and even create a special photo presentation of your loved one. For yourself, you can contact a funeral home or cremation company while you're healthy to get your affairs in order ahead of time, making the process easier on those you leave behind.

According to the Cremation Association of North America, cremation has grown by 57 percent in the last 15 years. In Virginia, about 50 percent choose cremation. The highest rates of cremation can be found mainly in Western states as well as Minnesota, Florida and Maine. The state with the highest percentage of cremations is Nevada; the lowest is in Mississippi.

Alternatives to Cremation

In recent years, new types of burials have gained acceptance in the United States.

This includes water cremation (also called alkaline hydrolysis), which is legal in Virginia and several other states. The person’s body is essentially dissolved in a liquid mixture (95% water) in a high-pressure chamber. It is said to be an eco-friendlier process than traditional cremation, since there is no toxic gas or air pollutants from the process, according to the Mayo Clinic. This method has been denounced by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops as disrespectful to the person’s body, but other religious organizations have accepted it.

Human composting is another option. While it is not legal in Virginia, it is legal in Washington, Colorado, Oregon, Vermont, California, New York and Nevada. Human composting involves placing an un-embalmed body in a container with carbon-rich materials such as wood chips. The container is sealed and monitored as the body turns to compost.

Another option: Burial at sea, which can be costly. The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency allows burials at sea only under certain conditions: The remains must be placed more than three nautical miles from shore and may not be accompanied by any materials that do not decompose easily such as plastic or metal items, wreaths, tombs or nonbiodegradable containers. (Additional information is available on the EPA’s website.)

There are several other options for a burial whether you are cremated or not, including a burial plot at a local cemetery, possibly affiliated with your house of worship; or a columbarium either at a cemetery or affiliated with your house of worship. Veterans can be buried at U.S. national cemeteries, the most popular being Arlington National Cemetery. (Most veterans who have at least one day of active service other than training and an honorable discharge are eligible.)

Some houses of worship will allow the burial of ashes on their grounds. There is

How to Support Those Who are Grieving

It can be hard to know what to say to people who are grieving the loss of a loved one. Here’s advice.

What to Say

· Say you’re sorry for the person’s loss.

· Share a positive, happy memory of the person who passed away.

· Compliment the deceased person’s best characteristics.

What to Do

· Give the bereaved room to talk and cry — sometimes being present without saying much is the best comfort.

· Avoid saying that you know or understand how the grieving person feels, even if you’re trying to be empathetic. Each person grieves in their own unique way.

· Be patient. Grief can come and go in waves, even after months or years.

also scattering of ashes in special places depending on the wishes of loved ones, though there are rules and laws about doing so on private property or on or near federal lands. It’s always best to check with a landowner beforehand.

In some cases, families choose to divide the ashes so they can be buried, kept or scattered in multiple places. Some glass or metal artists can create jewelry that incorporates the ashes on a loved one, as well.

Recommended Reading

"Advice for Future Corpses: A Practical Perspective on Death and Dying" by Sallie Tisdale. (This book has a handy six pages called "My Death Plan" that you can discuss with loved ones.)