Sad & Asian by alexawong

SAD& ASIAN

MAY

“I feel like I’m not prepared enough to be Korean. I’m all over the place.” – Sarah Hong

ALSO FEATURING Deb Bang Bryan Chen Peggy Chen Liz Liang Amy Ni Mae Seto Courtney Wirth

Asian Americans Not Asian, Not American

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VOGUE MAY

Sakura Matsuri

BROOKLYN BOTANIC GARDEN CHERRY BLOSSOM FESTIVAL – NEW YORKLED MAGAZINE

23 EDITOR’S LETTER 28 MASTHEAD 31

DEBORAH BANG

A 20 year old Korean American writer and violinist

BRYAN CHEN

A 24 year old Taiwanese American performance artist

PEGGY CHEN

A Chinese American from Chinatown, NY

AMY NI

A Chinese/Chinese Canadian post-skater boy/pre-mom Asian

MAE SETO

SARAH HONG

A third culture kid trying to reconnect with Korea

A 20 year old Cantonese American, grey gendered femme

A Chinese American paralegal/singer songwriter

A multiracial illustrator from Maryland

LIZ LIANG

COURTNEY WIRTH

46 15

#DGCAPRI 21

vogue.com

Letter from the Editor

TAKING BODIES FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER, I’ve thought about my body. And not just in a “growing up in a society obsessed with unrealistic beauty standards” — my thoughts have always been racialized, even before I knew how to categorize them, how to give them a name. These thoughts continued with me as I grew up. When I came to NYU, I decided to pursue media studies, where, several times over, I came across the ubiquity of a singular, all encompassing standard of beuaty in the United States. That’s not to say that we’ve blindly accepted these standards or feel compelled to follow them. But, these standards seem to be the only point of comparison that exists. And I wasn’t quite ready to accept that, especially with the rise in East Asian inspired beauty trades, e.g. 10 step cleansing regimens or face masks. So, I made the assumption that I wasn’t alone, and I decided to look into the stories of other Asian Americans from around the country (and some from Canada) to compare, and hopefully come up with some common reasons as to why we’ve come to cultivate our look. After hearing their stories, I came to a conclusion that blew my initial thoughts out of the water. I learned that, true to my hypothesis, Asian Americans have to content with several beauty standards, many of which lie outside of the traditional sphere of Western, Eurocentric beauty. But what really

surprised me was the absence of such standard that spanned across all my interviewees. Several of them linked at least parts of their look to their identity as Asian Americans, but couldn’t pinpoint where they drew inspiration from, or what they were aspiring to. I believe this is largely due to the lack of representation of Asian Americans in media or other public forums. Because of a lack of visibility, we haven’t been able to form ideas of what we should look like, or at the very least, what the larger society thinks we should look like. Notwithstanding, this lacking has allowed for a greater freedom in how we envision ourselves. In my interviews, I’ve gotten to chance to know some inspiring individuals who have created looks that truly belong to them. To conclude, I think it’s important to note that identity cannot be discussed without intersectionality. While this issue focuses on Asian American identities can influence the way we dress (and vice versa), it’s the relationship with this part of identity to the others that creates the look.

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Feature

Caught in between LYRIC and MELODY

Deborah Bang, a Korean American writer and violinist from Koreatown, Los Angeles.

HER STYLE. “JUST ANDROGYNOUS. NOT NECESSARILY FEMININE OR MASCULINE. DEFINITELY MORE FEMININE SIDING, BUT I DON’T KNOW. VERY AMBIGUOUS.”

WHAT WAS IT LIKE GROWING UP IN KOREATOWN?

Koreatown is predominantly Korean, Korean American, and Latino. So, I actually distanced myself from a lot of the Koreans at school. I had a period of time where I just hated korean culture and everything it stood for, just the superficiality of it. The other Korean girls, they had straight long hair, either dyed ombre or bleached blonde, and cat eyes. It was subtle, but not subtle makeup. They would also wear circle lens, very K-pop-esque. Basically, they wanted big eyes and a petite body; they were really into dieting. When I think back on it, it seems like a really unhealthy relationship that they had with their bodies. They would be comparing themselves to photoshopped imag-

es of K-pop stars. It’s not realistic to achieve. Also, all they would talk about was makeup and boys, which is fine, but I didn’t relate to that. Just referring to Korean culture in general, it prioritizes comparing yourselves to others and that just didn’t work well with me. For example, I did not feel very comfortable when moms would be like, “oh my daughter did this” or, “oh my son did this.” HAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH KOREAN CULTURE CHANGED?

I realized that every culture has its ups and downs, pros and cons by learning more about the history of Korea; everything’s been so recent and it just explains a lot. I don’t blame anyone for embracing the superficiality of Korean culture because

that’s what you need to do to survive, and that’s what people look for. In a sense, growing up and coming to college, especially in New York City, where everyone’s always super well dressed all the time or they have their own aesthetic, I noticed that looks really do matter. Okay, so people do judge me based on looks, and that’s not something I can change. In that way, I guess I changed my style to reflect my gender and sex identity and how I see myself. I’ve been trying to embrace that more. On the other hand, the more I learn about it, the more I realize that [Korean culure] has aspects that I really don’t like. I’ve been learning more about traditional Korean music and its culture. The music’s beautiful and inspiring, but there

are so many aspects of it that are super patriarchal; women were so subordinate to men. It’s just all reflected in the music and the roles women play in the music. HOW DOES KOREAN CULTURE PLAY A ROLE IN CLASSICAL MUSIC?

Looks and perception play such a big factor. I think that’s why you see such a huge East Asian community in classical music. It’s all just a facade. Even the events are catered to the elite, in a sense that they’re all fancy; everyone wears dresses and gowns; everyone’s in their best tux. It’s super classy. Going into classical music, I had no idea how to approach it. When I was growing up, hanging out with my friends meant going to a taco truck. That’s what we did at night.

TO A BLOOMING GOOD MOTHERâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S DAY

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Feature “General Demeanor of Sadness” aesthetic Bryan Chen, a Taiwanese American performance artist and organizer.

“I OFTEN THINK OF MY STYLE (AND GENDER) AS SOFTCORE K-POP IDOL, SOMETHING OF A CLUSTERFUCK OF COLORS, PATTERNS, TEXTURES, AND WHATEVER ELSE I CAN FIND IN MY CLOSET. CHAOS AND CUTENESS ARE EQUALLY IMPORTANT TO MY AESTHETIC AND MY EXISTENCE.”

WHAT WAS IT LIKE GROWING UP IN NEW JERSEY?

I’m from the white suburbs, so it was just a pretty weird space. My middle school had maybe five other East Asian kids? But I didnt actually hang out with the other East Asians. I think part of it was just them as people and part of it was just that I was really bad at making friends. I really did not make friends with any boys. At all. The first gen folks that I remember were all men, and had this weird masculinity thing going on that I couldnt really deal with. I don’t think their masculinity was unique to them being East Asian. Or maybe it did. I didn’t get to know any of them very well, so I dont really have a clue. I think I am generally wary of masculinity and have been for a long time. It’s the obsession with sports and bro-ey ness, and this air of machoness that’s repelling. I think another thing is that I got bullied when I was in elementary school by boys, often because of my appearance and lack of boylike qualities (I was fat and unathletic). So, I think staying away from it might have just been a natural instinct. When I got to high school, I started going to a magnet school, where people from around the county could apply and get in. The school was really small, but also far more diverse than anything I had been in. HOW DID YOU GET INTO FASHION?

I have always really liked making and wearing costumes and I had to do that a lot more in high school for

class projects and what not. The costumes I had to wear were more complex and interesting, and I had to look into more sources to figure out how to make certain outfits; and I found that fun and interesting. I think another thing is that I was getting into Mandopop music and anime. So, Mandopop singers are always pretty, and I wanted to be pretty like them. I remember I used to go on Soompi, which is this East Asian forum, and be on the OOTD and male hair style page all the time trying to figure out how to look better. WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAY LOOK BETTER?

I wanted to look more put together and intentional with my clothes. In middle school and before, I was largely just wearing whatever fit me and whatever was comfortable, whereas in high school, I tried to think more about my outfits. Anyways, there was a big transformation between freshman and sophomore year? I was no longer wearing super baggy jeans and instead pants that kinda fit me. I wore open plaid button downs to try and look older, like what I imagined a college kid looked like. HOW HAS YOUR STYLE EVOLVED SINCE?

Since college, I started identifying as queer and also a femme. Costuming still played a huge role in my fashion development. It pushed me to try on a lot of new things to try to match an aesthetic or a look, and then sometimes I would realize they would look good on

me. I would have to say that my femme identity was what propelled my style the most because it gave me a vocabulary for what I was feeling and gave my style meaning. I also started showing off my body more. I was by no means thin or conventionally attractive, but I felt an overwhelming sense of fuck you, so that meant crop tops, wearing vests or jackets alone, mesh, lace, etc. I think that period was super important for me, to try and figure out what I wanted. However, a lot of that has changed now that I have

WHY DID YOU START WATCHING THESE VIDEOS?

I think a pressure to conform? I started watching makeup videos in particular because I never knew how to “properly” apply anything, so I wanted to learn techniques, but they have been so unhelpful: 1. because my eyes aren’t like theirs, 2. because I don’t have two inches of space between my eyes and my brows, and 3. it’s made me so less creative. When I didn’t have any rules, I would do whatever the fuck I wanted. But now, I feel like I’m boxed in. Like, am I blend-

“My blue, green, or purple lipstick always looks more natural than a nude lip. Subtle is boring for me.” graduated. I still do wear things like that occasionally, but I live at home with my mom, so I often can’t. I am starting to learn more about conventional Western beauty standards, and it’s been fucking with me a lot. So, I’ve been watching so white people makeup channels on YouTube and everyone is doing a natural, everyday look. And I look horrible anytime I try it out, not because of lack of skill, but because that doesnt look natural. My blue, green, or purple lipstick always looks more natural than a nude lip. Subtle is boring for me. But yeah, trying to balance that and the fact that I live at home is tough and has left me confused mostly.

ing my colors enough? Am I making sure that I cover up whatever shit is on my face that shouldn’t be? And I’m realizing that’s exactly what I don’t need. HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO FIND ANY VIDEOS THAT CATERS TO YOUR LOOK?

I’ve tried, but I can’t really find anyone that caters to what I am looking for. I guess you can call my style “avant garde” makeup. And all the videos I find of asian beauty bloggers are, “here is how you do a natural monolid makeup.” Obviously, there are some people that are pretty cool and whose aesthetics I like a lot. But I am finding that I just need to trust my gut more because in a way, it feels like I have regressed.

Feature BREAKING DOWN what actually is cool

Peggy Chen, a Chinese American with a passion for critiquing film and TV. HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF?

It’s only been in the past four years that I’ve really embraced and started to think critically about my identity as an Asian American. Before that, I would say that I was very into whiteness, as in I didn’t feel like I was Asian because I didn’t speak Cantonese well; most of my friends were white; and I would say that didn’t like chinese food or something like that. I wanted to assimilate into whiteness, but then I realized that you can’t. For me, my Asian American identity was really tied to my parents — and my parents didn’t treat me so well — so I wanted to distance myself from both my parents and my Asian American identity at the same time. But once I left my parents for college, I had time to reflect and think about myself and like myself more, including my Asian American identity. WHAT WAS YOUR LIFE

LIKE GROWING UP?

I grew up in a predominantly Italian and Chinese neighborhood. I had Chinese friends, but my idea of their Asianness was different from mine; they would speak the language; they were close to their family; they were really into celebrating Chinese New Year and other Asian traditions. But because I

wasn’t really close to my family and I didn’t celebrate those holidays, their Asianness was too Asian and I wasn’t Asian enough. I think their “too Asian” was feeling like you belong in that culture. But I didn’t feel connected to the homeland or China at all. America was my home and that was it for me. HOW DID THIS ALL CHANGE?

Time away from my parents got me to me think about myself and embrace myself. I can separate my Asianness from them and once I separated that, I grew to realize that I’m Asian and I should own that. So for me, TV and film were my connections to things. I started to notice how Asian people were (or weren’t) being represented in movies and television shows. I also started

getting into YouTube then. And YouTube, there were a lot of Asian Americans there. So I was seeing myself represented for the first time. The first YouTuber I got into was clothesencounters, or Jenn Im; She’s a beauty and style YouTuber. For me, that was the first time I saw someone experimenting with looks and style — and she was Asian. She talks about being Korean American quite frequently, so then I started getting more into Asian American YouTubers. I would say that YouTube was the first time I got to see videos created by Asian Americans and starring Asian Americans. ARE THERE ANY YOUTUBERS YOU LOOK TO OR GET INSPIRATION FROM?

Claire Marshall is my top style icon. I also follow a lot of Instagram bloggers, like

HER STYLE. “REALLY CASUAL, BUT I TRY TO INCORPORATE EDGY, STATEMENT PIECES. I WOULDN’T SAY IT’S VERY FEMININE. IT’S A LOT OF PANTS AND LEATHER JACKETS, BUT I DO TRY TO EXPERIMENT WITH THAT SOMETIMES.”

Eugenie Gray. I think her style is pretty cool; the fact that she uses harnesses is really different. I think Instagram was really cool for me in terms of seeing Asians doing style. But I also recently had a conversation with somebody about how all the popular Instagrammers who are Asian are very much the same in terms of: they’re all light skinned, East Asian, and skinny. There should be more that are different. And for me, it’s kind of a process of unlearning; just because they wear it and they’re skinny and cool, doesn’t make them automatically have good style. WHAT’S GOOD STYLE?

Good style is knowing you have a consistent style. I can

know that look is from you. And then you just own it. WHY IS STYLE IMPORTANT TO YOU?

It’s such a great way to ex-

press myself because I do like unconventional style, different colors, and bold stuff. I don’t know if I can do it myself, but to see other people do it is inspiring me to maybe incorporate that into my wardrobe. During the shoot, I wore this shirt that said, “leave me alone.” I also wore black jeans and a bandana. Bandanas are something that’s frequent for me this year; someone just gave me a bandana and then I just started wearing them all the time. For the shirt, I like different kinds of prints, at least special ones. And for that one, it was just a plain white shirt, but it said, “leave me alone” in embroidery. That’s kind of just expressing myself; I’m socially awkward and I don’t like people that much.

dressed in similar ways and we’re all the same in that way. Style can be a way to express yourself. But, at the same time, I do think that, with Instagram and Asian Instagramers, there’s certainly a look, where you have colored hair, you’re skinny, and you wear crop tops and shorts. I think it has something to do with what’s popular in the world of beauty in general. But within that, there’s really just this one look that all Asian beauty bloggers follow.

“Leave me alone” is just my closed expression, my thoughts for me. I feel like the way people think of Asian Americans now, it’s like: great, you’re

couldn’t see my body basically. So, I started to hide in my clothes that way. And it was only when college came that I decided that I could wear other things.

WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT STYLE GROWING UP?

When I was a kid, I was chubby. I didn’t fit that typical mold, so my parents criticized me. And for that reason, I just wore hoodies and baggy jeans all the time. You

DID YOUR STYLE DIFFER FROM THE OTHER ASIANS?

I don’t remember the details, but it was really different from mine. I would just wear hoodies and jeans literally every day and their stuff just wasn’t my style. I think part of my initial dislike with style had to do with the other Asians around me. Most of them were either American born or immigrants from China and they either still had clothes from China or wore tops from Hollister, Abercrombie or American Eagle. And I didn’t want any of those. HOW DO YOU CONNECT WITH ASIAN CULTURE THROUGH STYLE?

I do want to explore wearing more traditionally Asian stuff, from my culture. I never thought about doing that; I had always thought, “that’s Chinese and I’m not Chinese enough to touch that.” But at the same time, why shouldn’t I? So I don’t know if I would incorporate that now, but it’s something to think about. My reasoning for wanting to explore traditional styles versus more modern ones is probably just a difference in perception. When I think of international students, it would be weird prints and stuff. But when I think of traditional Chinese culture, I think of the red silk and gold flowers and stuff like that. I think that it is a great look; I just don’t know if I can put it on myself because I don’t know if I’ve connected enough with that culture to wear it; but at the same time, why not?

HER STYLE. “MOST OF THE TIME, IT’S REALLY FEMININE. I LOVE SKIRTS AND DRESSES. JUST ADDING THAT TOUCH OF FEMININITY.”

Leaving the PAST in the PAST

Sarah Hong, a third culture kid from Korea DESCRIBE YOUR IDENTITY.

I have a citizenship in Korea, but I grew up in Vancouver, Canada. I don’t really see myself as Korean, but I don’t see myself as Korean American either. I’m kind of in the middle. I’m what you would call a third culture kid. I used to call myself Asian American, but after dating my current boyfriend, I realized that there’s a lot of common experiences with

Asian Americans that I don’t have. There’s a lot of pieces that are missing, either from childhood or just growing up here. WHAT WAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH KOREA LIKE?

All of the friends I had that were from Korea were ones I knew from Canada, and even then I didn’t know that many. I kind of stayed away from Koreans in Vancouver;

so, the Korean girls that were in Vancouver, they still had that mindset of hierarchy. They would always make me call them onni and I didn’t like that, especially because I was super assimilated into Canadian culture. So I was like, why do I need to call you that? Then, I just distanced myself. I didn’t want to associate with any of them. I was choosing between Michigan and UCLA, and I know a lot

of people that go to UCLA from Vancouver are Korean, so that was my main reason for not going to UCLA. Now, I’m trying to get to know more people because I feel like a lot of my perversion is based on fear and past experiences, so I’m trying to move away from this and be closer to people who have the same identity as me in order to get to know myself better and know my culture better.

I went back to Korea last summer. I mean, it’s a fun place. There’s a lot of things to do at night and places to shop; it’s a place to be. I used to be really critical and judgemental about it because I always thought it was really superficial. They care a lot about how you look, what’s the coolest thing out there. But I got a chance to talk and converse with Korean people who identify as feminists, and I realized that there’s a whole new part of Korea that I never got to experience as a kid. So that was really cool. I guess it’s more eye opening, now, being an adult and looking back. DOES KOREAN CULTURE AFFECT THE WAY YOU LOOK AND PRESENT YOURSELF?

I don’t think so. But I don’t think I’ve purposely tried to distance myself either. I feel less equipped than Korean women. I feel like they always look impeccable and gorgeous. Like, I only can tie my hair. Their makeup is also so good and Korean skincare is amazing. And I struggle with acne, so I feel like I’m not prepared enough to be Korean, like I’m all over the place. For me, I think it’s more like admiration from afar. Your skin is so good; you dress so well. But for myself, I’m just like “eh” about it. WHAT ROLE DOES YOUR LOOK PLAY IN YOUR LIFE?

Beginning of last semester, my first semester in grad school, I was super into deciding what I was gonna wear the next day because everything in my life was out of control, and that was something I could

control. Because I’m more willing to explore in terms of fashion in New York [than in Ann Arbor], I can think, “oh, it’s going to be this weather tomorrow, so I’ll wear this.” I’m focusing more on things I can control. Last week was super stressful for me, so choosing what to wear gave me something to be able to focus on. It helps me cope. ANY THOUGHTS ON KOREAN BEAUTY CULTURE?

I definitely think that sometimes, they do go overboard about it. I remember coming out of a train station in Korea and then, seeing a 10 feet tall plastic surgery hospital. And whoa, that’s a lot of floors in one building. There’s definitely a lot of pressure on Korean women to be superwoman; you’re supposed to take care of the house, be this perfect mother and wife, but also go to work and earn money. That’s an expectation for all women, but especially in a culture that’s still very patriarchal — I feel like it’s even more exaggerated. So I think that Korean women are held up to really high expectations of looking pretty and looking presentable, especially in terms of weight. If i go to Korea now, I wear a size medium, but in the US, I wear a size extra small or small. Maybe it’s how body shape is, but there’s definitely a lot of pressure to be skinny and thin, more so than in the US. And in terms of having opportunities in Korea, it’s harder to advance as a Korean woman living in Korea. For example, in job interviews, they ask things like, “do you have a boyfriend,” “when are you going to get married,” “when are you going to have

kids.” And they attach a photo in the resume so they know what you look like and they can judge you. Just talking about Korean women that are westernised: I know this is a bias I have against them; or, don’t even know if it’s against or for them. So, in middle school and high school, I wasn’t popular, I was a nerd. But there were other Korean girls who were popular, and they all seemed to have the same look of being tan, wearing thicker eyeliner, and just having this look. Because I wasn’t popular, I was jealous of them. They’re kind of the image of the party girl, while I was a nerd. I feel like a part of me wanted to be different from them, like I’m not just a party girl or whatever. But also a part of

come from my mom, even though she never criticized me, even when I was obese. I never had that stereotypical asian mom who constantly told me to lose weight; she was actually really supportive. But my mom, she has discoloration on her face. When my grandmother was pregnant with my mom, she took cold medicine because she didn’t know that she was pregnant. So, she has discoloration on her face and body; and her makeup is really dark for her natural skin because she has to cover the discoloration. And it’s a lot darker — not just a shade or two. So, a lot of the times, other korean women seemed to judge her a lot. There’s this stereotype in Korea that if you wear too much makeup, you’re cheap

me wanted to have that cool girl vibe, and at the end of the day, I know that it all stems from insecurities that I have an insecurities that have been imposed on me.

or working in sex industries. So, people have misconceptions about my mom. They would try to stereotype her, but she’s really quiet and shy, and she didn’t do anything. So, even though my mom never did that to me, growing up watching that has affected me. I guess that’s where a lot of my insecurities have come from.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY INSECURITIES THAT HAVE BEEN IMPOSED ON YOU?

A lot of my insecurities

Feature

“IT’S OKAY TO BE CUTE AND SEXY. I THINK THAT’S THE KIND OF STYLE I’M TRYING TO GO FOR NOW. AND I STILL WEAR DORKY THINGS BECAUSE THEY MAKE ME HAPPY.”

It all started with BROWS

Liz Liang, an Asian American paralegal/ singer songwriter WHAT WAS YOUR CHILDHOOD LIKE?

I didn’t really start exploring my East Asianness until I got to new york

because New Hampshire is like less than one percent Asian. So obviously, I grew up with the opposite of diversity.

I got bullied a lot growing up for being different. I couldn’t really figure out why I was being bullied until like 4th grade. It’s kind of a funny story. Kids — they can say something and it doesn’t really mean anything, but they say it enough times and you kind of internalize it and think of it as an insult. So, for me that was Liz’s caterpillar eyebrows. Obviously, that doesn’t mean a thing. It’s just darker hair (on lighter skin) than they’re used to seeing. But that taunt really got to me. So, I wanted to shake them somehow, but I’m in 4th grade, and I didn’t really know what I was doing. So I’m using my dad’s old school, rotary blade razor, and all of a sudden, they’re gone. My left eyebrow’s gone. And I panic. I don’t know what I’m doing and I can’t handle that stress, so I shaved my right one off too. I went through two weeks in fourth grade with no eyebrows. I went kind of punk rock in 7th grade because I was just sad about being bullied and my “friends” were just being really mean to me. It was a lot of parachute pants, black, and studded belts. So, I found a new group of friends. But in high school, my emo friends ended up being kind of burnouts, and I still cared a lot about school. So, I dressed the dress, but I didn’t walk the walk. The following year, I fell away from those friends and just revamped my look. I remember it was such a big thing. I told

mom, “I’m ready to wear the things you want me to wear.” So, she took me on this huge shopping spree; she was so excited. WHO DID YOU HANG OUT WITH IN SCHOOL?

Like I mentioned before, New Hampshire was mostly white. There were a handful of Asians, but I didn’t associate with them. They went to a different middle school that fed into the same high school, so they already formed a clique. And I already had friends, so it was like, I’ll be over here. They were also just so different from me. I’m Chinese and they’re Vietnamese and they always spoke Vietnamese, so I never felt like I belonged. They also wore belly shirts, big earrings, and clothing like that; and I wasn’t comfortable showing that much of myself. They just looked so different from both sides of my style. so it was just really hard to connect with them. So half of my family is from Oakland, California. They used to just make fun of me, so I kind of always felt excluded from them too, just because they were always called me so dorky. When I was younger, I didn’t always understand that the questions I was asking could be insulting. So I would say, “why are there bars on the windows” because I didn’t understand why. But they took that as me being privileged and snobby because my dad makes a bit more money than my aunts and uncles. So when I got to high school, that group reminded

I’m not special in that way anymore, so who I am outside of that was something I had to explore when I got here. They really had the same experiences, and i had never felt that kind of community or camaraderie before. They would talk about how they got made fun of in Long Island; and to me, that was insane that they experienced that in a place so much closer to New York. And I would go to their houses for dinner and I recognized their food. It was insane because I normally wouldn’t have that kind of food outside of my parents

me so much of them and I thought, “they’re not going to like me” and “they’re going to exclude me.” It’s going to be like my cousins all over again. HOW HAS YOUR STYLE CHANGED OVER TIME?

Now, I’m just a lot more confident in who I am. It’s just tough growing up, going through puberty. Even a year ago, I was a lot less confident than now. I was never really sure of what aesthetic that I fit because the Western aesthetic — I obviously will never fit. But I never fit the East Asian aesthetic either because of the girls. (And how much I love food.) So I’m not that bird-like, East Asian ideal. So I never really felt comfortable in that. Additionally, being from a more conservative culture made dressing appropriately tough. It’s just tough having no one that looks like me in

media anywhere, Asian or American. So it’s just been tough trying to figure out who I am. At the end of the day, I just decided that it doesn’t matter. Some people will always find me attractive and others won’t, even without knowing what I look like. This dress is probably the most me. I’m coming to terms with the idea that it’s okay to be a little sexy. So, I would describe my style right now as being cute, while still showing off my form because I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. But I still wear dorky things because they make me happy; I have a tshirt that has a hamburger on it and pants that have pacman on them. I just like things that go together. HOW IS IT DIFFERENT, BEING IN NEW YORK?

I came here and there were so many Asian girls, so it was a culture shock.

house. It was a little weird because I was always used to being exotic. So, what am I when I’m not exotic? DOES YOUR IDENTITY AS A SINGER AFFECT YOUR LOOK?

I think if you want to go mainstream, or any genre, you have to fit into a certain aesthetic. For example, if you’re more quirky, you’d most likely be playing acoustic music. I guess you just have to find your niche. I couldn’t dress like this and play hard metal; they just wouldn’t take me seriously.

She was a SK8TER BOI

Amy Ni, a Chinese Canadian getting past an Avril phase

“I DON’T HAVE ONE SOLIDIFIED STYLE. I FEEL LIKE I GO BACK AND FORTH. I LIKE SIMPLE, MINIMAL, LOOKS. BUT I CAN’T GET RID OF THE SKATE SHOES. I DO LIKE TO GO THRIFTING SOMETIMES. BUT THEN, I HATE THIS, BUT I LIKE BOUTIQUE BRANDS LIKE THE COOPLES AND MAISON KITSUNÉ.” WHAT WAS GROWING UP LIKE?

I was born in China, in the Northeast, and I lived there for five years. Then, I moved to Canada and lived there for the next 10 years. Then, I moved to a suburb of Washington DC in high school. After I graduated, I came here to New York. Growing up in North America, I spent a lot of time within predominantly white neighborhoods. When I was little, I wanted to be more canadian and fit in. There were definitely people making fun of me, most of the time indirectly and through microaggres-

sions; but there was definitely a lot of internalized racism. And after growing up, there was a disconnect with my Chinese culture because I’m not able to read or write, and even communicating with my family is a struggle sometimes. Still, I definitely don’t think of myself as American. I’ve lived in the US for about five years now, and even in Canada, American culture influences a lot of Canadian culture. So, I do feel that North American Anglo-Saxon culture. I do identify as Chinese Canadian, just because quite literally, it’s true. But recent-

ly, I’ve been thinking about whether I’m more. I grew up around a lot of “whitewashed” Asians. And while I was growing up, I would consider myself more “whitewashed” than “fob”, just because I wasn’t really into Kpop and things like that. But I also wore clothes that I bought in China. ON “FOBS”

When I was in Maryland, the program I was in had a lot of Chinese American people. The rest of the school was very diverse, but my program, IB, was very white and East Asian, specifically Chinese. I didn’t hang

out with a lot of them. My core group of friends were of all different ethnicities; two of them were East Asian, but we didn’t really connect over that. The large group of Chinese Americans: most of them were born and raised [in Maryland], whereas I was born in China and lived there for five years. But they felt like they were more Chinese than I was. They weren’t fobby in that they liked K-pop, but they were very, very academically competitive. I wouldn’t say that I was an edgy person; but if I was not an edgy person, they were aggressively not edgy. They

would just study. They did everything to get into college. And I didn’t go to high school parties, but I would go out with my friends and stay out late; we would go to DC and just hang out. Granted, I don’t know them that well, but I don’t think they did any of that. In terms of how they dressed, it’s kind of hard to put into words. They wore things that weren’t necessarily uncool, but the way that they wore them was uncool, I guess. Like running shoes, but not trendy: running shoes that you wear to the gym or because your mom bought them. And then just regular, straight cut jeans with tshirts that were usually from organizations, like science fairs. And then the zip up hoodies. It’s not bad necessarily, but I just didn’t get why. Then, there was the other group that were really into K-pop and East Asian culture.

from American Eagle or Hollister, but they also wore a lot of things you would find in K-pop videos — not very flashy, but I can’t really explain it. I think if you’re Asian, you would know it when you saw it. I wouldn’t necessarily dress like that. At that time, I didn’t really have a style. If I had to describe it, I’ll just say that I listened to a lot of Avril Lavigne and Green Day. So I really got into [Avril’s] look as well: just kind of that pop punk look, meaning a lot of skate shoes, ripped jeans, and plaid. I still wear those things, but back then, it was put together really poorly. And I didn’t actually want to shop at skate stores because I didn’t skateboard. When I started dressing like that, I feel like I wanted to dress how white teenage boys dressed, so I feel like I dressed more like some of them than anyone else.

HOW DID THE STYLES VARY?

When I was in middle school, I didn’t wear any makeup. I was a little too

They would wear things

ON MAKEUP

into that tomboy aesthetic. Because I liked playing video games, I also felt like I need to act like a boy. So, then I was sure I was never going to wear makeup. And I didn’t in high school In college, it was something I was interested in, not for making my skin look nicer (even though i had acne), but for fun. Also, I feel like college was a blank slate, so no one was going to judge me if I wore makeup, or if

eyeshadow”, because I really want to get yellow eyeshadow. So in that realm of kind of the 90s. I really like my mom’s style from when she was younger, so 80s/90s Asian pre-mom. HOW HAS YOU BEING CHINESE INFLUENCED YOUR STYLE?

I said there was a lot of internalized racism, so a lot of things that I didn’t realize or even necessarily think

“I really like my mom’s style from when she was younger, so 80s/90s Asian pre-mom.” it looked bad, or if it looked too girly or whatever. HOW HAS YOUR STYLE CHANGED SINCE THEN?

I feel like I don’t have one solidified style. I use Pinterest a lot. My last search term was “yellow

about. It definitely was apparent in my style and how I dressed myself because it’s such a big part of how you feel around other people. The first two times I went back to china, in middle school, my relatives took me shopping and bought me things that i liked, but what my mom wouldn’t normally buy. At the time, I was really excited. But I did feel a little self conscious; I thought, “oh, if people can’t recognize the brand or can’t recognize if this is from Canadian or American stores, then they’re going to just think that I’m a fob.” So definitely I’ve become more comfortable with my ethnicity and race, and become comfortable with showcasing that. It’s so inevitable that people see me and think Asian, so if I can’t change that, I might as well be more comfortable with how I dress.

Feature

HER STYLE. “I USUALLY WEAR A LOT OF BLACK, SO I FEEL GOTH. BUT I’M NOT ACTUALLY GOTH. I’VE BEEN FEELING COMFY CLOTHES. I USED TO WEAR LESS COMFORTABLE CLOTHES FOR THE SAKE OF FASHION, BUT NOW: SWEATPANTS, JACKETS, HOODIES.”

On escaping CUTENESS

talk to my grandmother because she’s from China. Also in my neighborhood, the Korean kids in particular were really cliquey. I came off sort of ambiguous to people because I’m third generation and my last name, Seto, isn’t typed usually as Chinese, so people thought I was Japanese when I was younger. I liked the ambiguity for a while, but now i’m trying to embrace my Chinese part. In middle school, I got into anime and so I had a small crisis where I thought, “oh my god, I should have been born Japanese. With my name, my ambiguousness, so why was I born Chinese? I want to be Japanese.”

Mae Seto, a Cantonese American femme from Queens WHAT’S IMPORTANT ABOUT QUEENS?

A big thing about Queens is that it’s the most diverse place in the world. It really is a melting pot, so I grew up around a lot of different people. One of my best friends, for example, is a quarter Pakistani, a quarter Bengali, and half Italian. There’s just a richness of culture and I’m able to experience a lot of cultures without traveling so much

My neighborhood in particular is very Korean and Chinese, but most of them are first generation. So being third generation is kind of different for me. I’m not Chinese, but I’m not really American either. WHY DIDN’T YOU FEEL CHINESE OR AMERICAN?

I didn’t really learn Cantonese because I spoke English at home, so there’s that kind of disconnect. I can’t

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT USING FASHION TO CONNECT TO CULTURE?

In my shoot, I chose to wear my mom’s cheongsam. She’s always happy when I wear it because she gets more use out of it. In the past cou-

ple months, I’ve been trying to embrace my Chinese-ness more. I feel pretty good wearing it. It just feels right. Sometimes, it seems like a superficial way to connect with culture, but regardless, I feel like it’s still nice have that connection. ON SUPERFICIALITY OF CULTURE IN FASHION

To me, it seems superficial because because of all the “Oriental” aesthetics floating around these days. It’s trendy now. But when I think of it with the context of myself, I’m doing it for myself, rather than thinking about it in the context of “fashion”. Take the Korean beauty trend in the US. It’s weird. People are super into it now; it’s like a novelty thing. And it’s not appropriation, but it still feels weird, like fetishized. WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN THIS CONVERSATION?

I don’t think I’ve ever thought about that. I cosplay occasionally, so I feel like that can be brought into the conversation. I feel weird about that sometimes, because I am pretty small, and with all the makeup, circle lenses, and the whole thing, I feel like I really submit to East Asian beauty standards. And I don’t really want to perpetuate those standards

of beauty either. It perpetuates how others, people that aren’t Asian, see me. But I guess it’s kind of inevitable that I’ll look “cute” if I put circle lenses on and do my makeup in a certain way — I can’t escape it. It sucks. WHAT’S YOUR STYLE LIKE?

For a while, I was shopping a lot of fast fashion, like Ali Express. But now, I don’t want to contribute to fast fashion because it’s very destructive, and consumerism is super toxic. I like to thrift occasionally or buy things off of other people. I try to support artists when I can; I like small labels because that way, you can get more special things.

I do spend a lot of time on the Instagram explore page. I save a lot of style inspirations. I would say my style channels Harajuku. It’s kind of sad that Harajuku is dying out; it’s what I used to channel for a long time. I bought my first issue of FRUiTS when I was in 7th or 8th grade. And I would try to buy colorful, printed stuff from Aeropostale and American Eagle, and make it look Harajuku style, which didn’t really work out. I was able to find some printed stuff, but it was still like, what? I would say I’m still wary of looking too Asian because I could kind of be representing Asian, even though I’m not super Asian.

Feature All boils down to PERSPECTIVE Courtney Wirth, a multiracial illustrator WHAT WAS YOUR CHILDHOOD LIKE?

As I was growing up, I was definitely more white-raised. When I was 13, my mom moved to California, So I had to stay with my dad. He’s the Caucasian. Where I’m from, it’s not really that diverse; it was mainly white and black. And there was speckles of Asians, but I was never part of the asian community, so I mainly had white friends. The community was made of mostly Chinese, some korean people. And I knew them, but I didn’t really hang out with them. I think they all kind of grew up together, or they all went to Chinese school or whatever school, or they had moved from whichever country they were originally from. I didn’t really have much a connection with them, and I think I was really viewed as the white Asian. In terms of race and representation, I know back then it was harder for me to discuss those kinds of issues with my more white dominated friends — just because they didn’t really understand or I would sound biased because, maybe I didn’t find one white actress or model that appealing because it’s

not like she really reflected who I was as a demographic. WHO DID YOU LOOK UP TO WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER?

It was usually asians. When I was growing up, the only real Asian actress that I could really think of was Lucy Liu. It’s kind of branched out since then, but obviously there’s still issues with diversity. I remember that I loved Michelle Kwan because I was into figure skating and she was at the top, and I remember thinking, “I kind of just want to root for her.” It was really hard to find someone that looked like me, even though I’m just half. I love mulan and characters like that, and it shows in my drawings. For example, I’ll draw girls and my friends have commented that they look like me. And as an artist, you kind of draw what you know, and you know yourself the best. But also, my argument is that I might draw people that look like me or girls that look like me because growing up, there was never that representation. And even half Asian characters. It’s hard getting Asian character representation, but being a

HER STYLE. “I’M IN BETWEEN FADS. I LIKE SIMPLE, CLASSIC STUFF. JUST BECAUSE WITH TRENDY THINGS, HOW LONG WILL THEY REALLY BE IN STYLE?” mixed Asian, that’s harder. Like Emma Stone being mixed. That’s why I latched onto Cassandra Kane in batgirl. She’s like half Chinese; I loved her storyline and things like that.

differently than the normal, prototypical anime. And they’re still given Japanese names and they still grow up in Japan, so I don’t like the argument that they’re drawn white.

WERE COMICS A BIG PART OF YOUR LIFE?

IN TERMS OF LOOKS AND STYLE, WHAT DOES “ASIAN” MEAN TO YOU?

Yeah, and that’s kind of also why I latched onto anime and manga more as I grew up. They were automatically, well Japanese, but it was still some kind of Asian culture that was fascinating and different. And some people argue that they look like white people, but when you look at anime and there is a white character, or even like a black character, their facial features are drawn

It’s such a broad term that encapsulates so many different cultures. I think that’s kind of hard to pinpoint, but from a personal standpoint, I think it’s also just bringing a unique perspective to anything, whether it’s fashion, style, art, or even politics. When you study different authors or artists from different countries, you can see that there’s a different style that’s reflected from

the culture that they grew up with. When I was studying fashion design, I was actually drawn to a lot of Japanese designers, like Rei Kawakubo, Kenzo, Yohji Yamamoto. I really liked his collaboration with adidas for Y3, and I think I was drawn to them more because it’s always simple, yet elegant. If you go to a Japanese book store, you can find Japanese pattern making books. And the way Japanese people approach anything is that they study it so hard. And it can be the most simple thing, but they just translate it into something that’s so much more than what it is, and they make it more beautiful that way. Those designers had a knack for making something so sculptural, but still easy to wear. I find that a lot of European designers can be on the more flashy side, and [my style is really simple and

classic]. And I think that’s a reflection of Japanese culture too. I think it’s also searching for a deeper meaning of what you are reflecting as an Asian person, whether you’re mixed, Southeast Asian, or East Asian. DO YOU USE THIS CONCEPT OF BEING ASIAN TO NAVIGATE YOUR OWN IDENTITY?

I don’t think I like to use it as part of my identity. I think that, if it does come up, it’s more my perspective. I think it keeps me in check of where my feelings are coming from, and that they are validated, no matter where I’m coming from. But I think, in a way, it can help me stand out, depending on who I’m with. I like the idea of being a unique person with a different take on whatever you approach me with, because i grew up

with a different viewpoint on things. Especially being mixed too. I never really struggled with my identity in that way. When i was younger, when I was doing standardized testing and you had to choose which race you were, before they had the two or more races option, I would always choose Asian. I felt proud to do that, just because in some way, I knew it made me different. It still kind of sucks because I still think it limits my identity in that way, but both do. Being younger, it was different because it was like, yes, I am Asian and I look Asian, so I’m going go with what I look like. But, looking back on it now, it kind of sucks. In some ways, the term Asian frustrated me because I would go shopping and I would try on something crazy and outlandish, and my friends would say some-

thing like, “you’re the only one that can pull something like that off because you’re Asian.” And what’s that supposed to mean? It was mainly just weird little things that. Sometimes it was a downfall. But, I think it’s only been a struggle when there are stereotypes latched onto it. And I think everyone is working to fight those stereotypes. I have friends who are mixed and I guess they struggled with their identities. I also have friends who are full Asian who struggled with their identity, especially if they’re American born. For their family, they’re too American. And for their friends, they’re too Asian. But I guess for me, it’s always been half and half and I’ve accepted it. I think the only time I struggled with it was the lack of representation. But I made it my own when I started drawing.