It’s Just Not Sexy Enough It’s Just Not Sexy Enough

When I was 18 and a virgin, I wanted people to look at me a certain way. I wanted to be sexy, powerful, and to reclaim my body. I associated power with sex, but that isn’t how power works...at least not for most women. All of the young women around me who I associated with having power were hooking up with strangers, posting provocative photos, and constantly talking about their sex lives in public. I believed I could reclaim my sexuality in the same way they had. When I finally tried swimming in those waters, it wasn’t as empowering and luxurious as I had once been told it would be. No other person or outfit made me feel powerful or in control of my body. In fact, I felt like shit sleeping with strangers and wearing tight clothes. I fell for the illusion.

Women have been manipulated into thinking we can “reclaim our power” through actions that inherently serve men’s needs and gazes. It’s your body, so it’s your choice, but how often are we actually making the choice to objectify ourselves? Is it normal to pawn off my body for an inkling of power? Perhaps it’s normal, but it shouldn’t be.

We have streamlined far too many problematic and abusive behaviors in heterosexual relationships because of pornography, and a general fear to “kink shame” certain actions. Shame is a scary feeling, yet shame is what holds us accountable. You should feel shame if hurting someone gets you off; and no, shame shouldn’t turn you on. BDSM relationships have been marketed through books like 50 Shades of Gray, and the media’s push to normalize aggression and shame in sex. Some may say,“but it’s just a kink! They don’t act that way outside the bedroom.” Maybe, but why does slapping or other forms of aggression towards you turn them on? Where does that kink stem from? Our society needs to be critical when talking about kinks, rather than just being afraid of offending or shaming someone. Does him slapping you turn you on? Or are you just expected to enjoy whatever he does to you so he feels good? Him feeling pleasure is not enough of a reason for you to give up your bodily autonomy. If he needs to hurt you to feel present during sex, maybe he should go to therapy.

The largest media platform that is defining our sex lives is pornography. It is free and easily accessible, one of the many reasons why it is terrifying. In most pornography, women are removed from the narrative. They are depicted as “young” or “freshly 18,” and then they “act” in a way that feels, in so few words, dumb and naive. Women are being portrayed as sexual and clueless dolls whose sole purpose is to sexually satisfy a man. Boys and girls are exposed to this media at such a young age where they are raised to assume this is normal. When children stumble upon these websites, they are afraid to discuss it with their parents. We have so much shame around discussing healthy and empowering sex that we deny young adults the right to have safe and satisfying sex.

So, how can we change this phenomenon? Well, we can start with refusing to watch pornography. Though that is the ideal scenario, many people won’t stop watching porn. But, we can promote more queer and womencentered porn. Making porn more inaccessible by requiring consumers to pay for access could also minimize the amount of damage done by having porn available. Children won’t stumble on random pornographic websites and the women who are featured in those films would be compensated more, hopefully.

Reframing how we view sex allows each person to rewrite their narrative. What turns you on? What feels safe? Who am I choosing to share my pleasure with? Sex isn’t about giving and taking, it’s about meeting in the middle and connecting with someone. Or, connecting with yourself. When you effectively articulate your needs and desires, sex can be more than just a physical connection, it’s an opportunity to foster true intimacy and confidence. This isn’t to say you can’t have casual sex, you most definitely can. It just means that casual sex shouldn’t feel threatening or performative. Casual sex should mean that both parties, or everyone included in that party, should leave satisfied.

Sex should feel empowering, but not in the way that we have often been told it would be, whether by our partners, parents, educators, media, or big brands. We should each take a step back and think about how we engage with sex, kinks, and pornography. Once we reflect on those issues, then we can each feel empowered before, during, and after sex.

WRITTEN BY QUAYE MEADOW

Whether you’re in your room or surrounded by your favorite people, loneliness manifests in a multitude of ways and in a variety of places. At parties, movie nights with friends, or hanging out with roommates, thoughts and anxiety can creep up and diminish your own perception of yourself. These “tentacles,” coined by the brilliant author Ned Vizzini, twist themselves around you to the point where your mind is consumed by these anxieties: the last thing you said was stupid, you’re sitting weird, stop talking! Losing yourself in the whirlpool of anxious thoughts, you retreat into yourself and spiral while those around you have no idea. Omnipresent and ceaseless, tentacles can ruin your night just as it gets started.

This is your brain’s way of playing tricks on you. It’s anxiety being at the forefront of all you can feel or think about. The onset of knowing that once these feelings happen, there’s no place you would rather be than alone in your room wallowing or journaling in your bed. Sometimes there’s a premonition that it will happen, other times, tentacles slink up without warning.

The pounding in your ears, slight nausea, racing heart, heaving chest, trembling hands, and silent tears, all coalescing into a perfect storm of polarizing and isolating thoughts. Your mind and body fixating and sweating over the worst conceivable scenarios that, feasibly, would never happen. Except you can’t talk yourself down from these projected trepidations, it almost always requires an external force.

Tentacles, like an animal stalking its prey, are always lurking. They hit their target regardless of time or place. They predate sleep, keeping one up for hours at a time, squeezing tighter and tighter until it envelopes its victim.

For some, it’s easier to imagine these anxieties as some external force, hence the symbolism of tentacles. This compartmentalization simplifies the relationship between an individual and their emotions, allowing one to view these anxieties as outside of themselves. Despite an inextricable relationship, this dissociation can make these overwhelming emotions easier to decipher.

In these moments, life can feel surreal and removed from the world around you. Coping mechanisms come in many forms depending on the environment or company you find yourself in when blindsided by these anxieties. In social settings, you completely detach and withdraw from conversation, and internalize these social stimulations. These are arguably the worst: you are not always able to completely isolate yourself and are at the mercy of the tentacles. You then have to fight an internal battle between feeding into the anxious illusions and disengaging, or forcing yourself to remain involved in social interactions, both of which are crushing and depleting. Compelling yourself to then interact with those around you results in a heightened sense of awareness and self critique, worrying that everything you are saying will come across as bizarre, the worst trip in the world.

The other option is to flee, to isolate, and give in to the delusions that your body is feeding you. Wallowing in these ensnaring thoughts can bring momentary relief. But as the tentacles tighten their grasp, one can find themselves spiraling to the seeming point of no return. With no other distractions around, these moments can seemingly last forever with no end in sight.

When given the choice, many choose to withdraw into themselves completely. This perpetuates a dangerous cycle. Check in on your friends who stop talking at the hangout, who stop responding to texts all together, who no longer participate in the things that make them happy. Wallowing in these worries is sometimes the only thing that can bring a shred of relief. However, sitting alone with these thoughts and anxieties can allow one to become all too familiar with them, drowning with no lifeline, tentacles pulling you down into an abyss.

WRITTEN BY WESLEY JOHNSON

PLAYLIST CONNOISSEUR NATALIE ROBINSON DESIGNERS

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