Old Gal Pals

WRITTEN BY QUAYE MEADOW ART DIRECTOR WALLIS BLIVIN

PHOTOGRAPHED BY FEDDY TORRES

My mother often discusses her grief over the death of her best friend, a woman who painted nails for a living and smoked for a hobby. Her joy was my mother’s joy, and their suffering was shared and consoled over. When my mother’s friend passed, she felt that a whole part of her life had disappeared. I often wonder how I would handle that kind of grief.

Every woman relishes in their female friendships, but I often feel that we underestimate the love we foster in those relationships. Falling in love is not exclusive to romantic love, if anything, the most honest and authentic love is between friends. Yet, most women rekindle their friendships with other women later on in life. They find that their romantic partners can only understand so much or they want a person who they can be themselves with, rather than the role of partner or mother.

When my mother first met her best friend, she was a young mother expecting another child within the year. They were neighbors in an older duplex on the far side of town. After moving away, my mother lost contact until a mutual friend recommended my mother make a nail appointment with a woman “she would absolutely adore.” It wasn’t until my mother went in for a nail appointment that she realized she knew this woman. From then on, their friendship flourished. I recall my mother’s friend coming over frequently, whether to babysit me, have a glass of wine with my mother, or soak in the sun together. She would always take me to local ballet or symphony performances and gift me candies from stores like Home Goods or TJMaxx. She had a fondness for bland food and chocolate-covered sunflowers.

Growing up and witnessing my mother’s beloved friendship thrive after her divorce and struggle with addiction made me empathetic toward the experience of women aging. I once had an older professor tell me that aging has been the most powerful and heartbreaking experience. She said, “I’m practically invisible now” and continued to tell me stories of her ability to commit crimes of theft due to her new ability to remain unseen. Though she missed being heard and noticed, she relished in a sense of power in her invisibility. There was no longer a pressure to perform for anyone–a sense of freedom that women are often denied. I think this is the reason older women rekindle friendships later on in life. For them, their lack of social acknowledgment, either due to their inability to have children anymore or their physical age and shift from sexualized beings, allows them the space to truly connect with their peers. There are no more expectations for them. Relief.

I often find myself overwhelmed by the pressure I feel as a young woman. We have to look a certain way, sexy but not too sexy. We have to be funny but not too funny. We have to be carefree and witty enough to entertain, but dumb enough to be desirable. But, we must also be maternal, caring, amiable, respectful, and most of all, obedient. I have a sense of excitement for the relief of aging as a woman. I know certain aspects will be difficult, but I also know I will relish in the company of other women who can finally be something other than a mother, partner, or desirable being.

When I fantasize about my life as an older and, hopefully, wiser woman, I see myself laughing with my closest gal pals in a lush backyard. We will giggle like younger versions of ourselves and bask in our rekindled friendship. Aging as a woman doesn’t have to be the end of childlike wonder and joy. If anything, it is an opportunity to reclaim your power, time, and sense of self.