stealing from the health food store
he walked into the health food store grimacing. the lights were assaulting with their brightness. a kind-looking girl smiled and greeted him. jesus, she looked seven. weren’t there child labor laws against that? he grunted in response. it was one of those days for him where all music sounded the same and everyone looked the same and had the same problems, he felt. but it didn’t make him feel any closer to anyone else, just sort of vaguely disgusted. he was drinking kombucha in his kitchen earlier when he decided to go down to the health food store and steal things. it wasn’t for the groceries; he had enough groceries. it was just what the health food store represented to him. it seemed highly unethical to charge that much for like, organic spinach or whatever. while thinking about this, he convinced himself that stealing from the health food store would be revolutionary, one for the books, an activist feat. he read somewhere once that fair trade products didn’t even make that big of a difference in exploited communities. and he was still angry about the whole foods prepackaged orange slices thing. he decided this was reason enough to steal from the health food store, and there had to be other good reasons that he wasn’t aware of yet also. he imagined the interview: “young man, your brave act has inspired millions to swear off health food, which was recently found to be the main culprit for cancer. did this discovery motivate your rogue deed?” “uh, yeah, i like that,” he’d say, scratching his head. “i hate cancer. if cancer were a person i saw on the street, i’d probably kick them.” his first target was the spices aisle. he was always quietly impressed when he visited a friend and saw a fully stocked spice rack in the kitchen, there was something
about it. he himself had no spice rack to speak of, which is probably the reason his exgirlfriend broke up with him a few weeks ago. he couldn’t remember. he started putting spices into his pockets discreetly, eyes widening with each new possibility: cardamom, wild thyme, elderflower, saffron. he didn’t know what any of them tasted like—he didn’t even cook—but in that moment it did not matter. a soccer mom speaking into her bluetooth started making her way down the aisle. he set off toward the next. what happened after that was a blur. the aisles all seemed to morph into each other, with their non-GMO and gluten free labels, and he couldn’t stop to read or else he’d get dizzy. he shoved maca root down his pants, tucked kale leaves into his jacket, grabbed a jar of some type of olive he could not pronounce, sugar snap peas, chiliinfused dark chocolate bark, naan bread, jasmine tea, inserting these things wherever there was space. as his pockets became crowded he realized it would be rational to stop soon, but the thing was he couldn’t stop. it was bigger than him now, bigger than the spare spaces he had left, and he felt in that moment that his sole purpose in life was to thief, to scam. it was clear now. he went on to covet tikki masala, quinoa chips, proscuitto, dried apricot, legumes, probiotic yogurt, cacao beans. as he passed his reflection in the frozen aisle he noticed that it looked like he gained about 50 pounds but his head had stayed the same size. he felt satisfied. he remembered he was out of condoms and went to the pharmacy aisle of the health food store. he was drawn to the vegan condoms and read the back of one of the packages. all the buzz words were there—“plant-based formula,” “sustainably grown indigenous rubber,” “minimized carbon footprint.”
“hold it right there,” he heard a male voice saying. he turned to see an employee with a name tag that said “garrett” approaching the condom section. garrett was bald but the kind of bald that is on purpose. i could definitely take this guy, he thought. garrett reached the young man and sighed. “i just wanted to say…” “yeah, okay, what?” he said, slightly annoyed. he was content with his spoils and just wanted to leave the health food store now. “i was wondering if you think that…” garrett struggled with the words, as if he had rehearsed them in his head countless times but not yet out loud. “… if you think maybe someone could fall in love with me someday, like hypothetically.” the young man smiled, and he realized it was the first time he had smiled in days, he could feel it as his lips cracked. “yes, i think they could. you seem very kind.” “wow, jeez! you really think so! okay then. i guess that’s all i had to say,” garrett said. the young man turned to walk out the door. three policewomen were waiting outside. for a second he found it mildly odd that there were three policewomen without a policeman in sight, but then he remembered this was the internalized misogyny thing his girlfriend left him over. “and you rationalize stupid shit all the time, like committing crimes for no reason,” he could hear her voice say. he couldn’t wait to tell her about this one. the policewomen smiled at him as he walked out. “have a good day,” one of the policewomen said. “thanks. you, too,” the young man said as he left the health food store.