2018
no.
Spring
Volume 1
ASexuality & The town of 10,000 Churches & non-annoying Vegan Food & Flicking the Bean
Editor: Allison I. Moorman Lead Photographer: Allison I. Moorman Lead Designer: Allison I. Moorman Contributors: Alexandra Martin Hunter Meyers Erika Westoff Hannah Dorey
A thousand thanks to: Olivia Bashaw, Hannah Dorey, Macey Haley, Aleshia Jester, Madilynn Mansur, Bri Mays, Brenna Murphy, Courtney Parmenter, Cai Santee, Anna Tripolitis
Subscriptions and Shop: www.etallmag.com Instagram | @et.all.mag
For a long time, the media has chosen to represent only a certain type of woman; Et All. aims to disrupt that type of thinking. Within the pages of Et All., hourglass figures, thigh gaps and vaginas are optional. The “norm� no longer exists; in its place is the new woman, the modern woman, who embraces a publication with inclusion at the forefront of all operations. Et All. is an advocate, platform and disruptor meant to absorb, illuminate and educate.
D a m n , we’re here. If you had asked me what Et. All magazine was a year ago, I would’ve been just as curious as you were. Who knew that in twelve months’ time, I would be creating a print version of what is bouncing around in my head. I consider myself a pretty original gal, but I knew that if I was thinking about these topics often enough, maybe I oughta share them. So, here they are, for your consumption and pleasure. I’m talking about sex and sexuality. I’m talking about safety, the workplace, and double standards. I’m talking about how food for veg heads can really be for all heads. Facets, my dear reader, are what make up a woman, and Et. All seeks to express that in less than 100 pages. Trust me when I tell you, never try to peg down a woman—it’ll get nasty.
Yours,
06
The Holy City
16
Why I Don’t Walk Alone
24
Beat the Meat
Content 34
Body of My Own
40
The A-Team
48
Breaking the Bond
T
h
e
h o l y C i t y a castle by the sea, in the midst of renovation.
•6•
Behind its painted mansions and horse drawn carriages is a place rife with history, a city mimicking the dynamic of a 50’s nuclear family. No family, no town is without its faults. While open communication is the way of the modern family, Charleston, SC still operates under airs. Everything is wonderful, colorful and charming. But make no mistake, the city is changing, facing realities that would shake even the most sedated June Cleaver. I took a walk through the town, going places on my own merit and on the word of others. Charleston has a charm that makes it perfect for the setting of cable reality programs. It also has an antiquity to nearly all of its operations; things go slower, gas lamps denote an established station and after dark, old tales going back hundreds of years fuel the city’s famed ghost tours. But most of all, it has a voice, a dueling dichotomy of tradition and disruption. You’ll see what I mean by the end of this spread.
The Battery Promenade + Fire Wall •7•
•8•
Mother Emanuel Church 110 Calhoun St. •9•
ca. 1870 Tradd Street
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Local Health Advisory Cumberland + Bay St.
• 12 •
Leon’s Fish and Poultry 698 King St.
• 13 •
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Neighborhood Bulletin 58 Cannon St.
• 15 •
as told to Allison Moorman
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Nearly
half don’ t feel
of safe
M i l l e nni a ls* wa l ki ng a l one.
Here’s why. *according to Gallup • 17 •
• 18 •
I
was halfway home when I hit a red light. For some reason, I noticed what I thought to be a couple, about to cross the crosswalk in front of me. They were so close together it almost looked like he was holding her hand. The girl and I made a very long and uncomfortable eye contact, so to break the tension I gave a half smile and glanced down at my phone. I looked back up, and suddenly she broke away and rapidly approached my car. She knocked on the window, and I was so taken aback it took me a few seconds to shake myself into moving.
“Can I get in your car,” she said urgently. “Can I get in your car,” she said urgently. “Please, can I get in your car. This guy has been following me for blocks, and every time we get near lit areas he falls back a bit, but gets closer when were out of sight.” I felt like I stared at her like an idiot for a lifetime, but it was probably only a few seconds. We drove around until we lost him. I can’t remember her name now, but I will definitely never forget her.
-Tiffany, 24
• 19 •
• 20 •
I was standing outside of a bar in West Hollywood when a guy approached me. It was late, I was waiting for my Uber, so I really just wanted him to leave me alone. But, he was persistent. He kept saying things like, “I will take you home,” “come in my uber with me,” “you can come to my place,” “you are beautiful.”
My friend and I were 14 and on a field trip. On our way back, our bus stopped at a bunch of fast food restaurants outside St. Louis. My friend and I saw that most of the tables were busy where we wanted to eat, so we decided to eat outside. My friend noticed there were two men in a red van, one old and one younger and overweight.They were staring.
“You are beautiful” “I will take you home”
They were staring.
I remember feeling so uncomfortable, but I just tried to brush it off and get him to go away. My tone, body language, my words were all saying leave me alone, but he kept on. It wasn’t until another man noticed what was happened and intervened by acting like he knew me. I remember thinking “How horrible that the only way to get this guy to go away was another guy.”
They then moved their car to an establishment close by us, presumably to get a better view. My friend then pulled me up and said we needed to run. I turned and the two men were out of their cars and walking towards us, their intent clear on their faces. We ran to our bus, and still, at 20, I can’t shake the feeling of almost being kidnapped.
“How horrible that the only way to get this guy to go away was ANOTHER GUY.”
at 20, I can’t shake the feeling of aLmost being kidnapped.
-Brianna, 22
-Aleshia, 20
• 21 •
As someone who experienced severe trauma at an incredibly young age, I have never really felt safe in most situations. I especially did not feel safe in my home town where being anything other than white, straight, and cisgender put a target on your back.
being anything other than white, straight and cisgender put a target on your back. I have gotten more confident as an adult walking places alone at night, especially if I know people in the area should I need to seek shelter, but I also always carry a knife that I know how to use well on me and if need be I hold said knife in my hand. I am hyper aware of my surroundings at all times and I never wear an outfit I can't run or escape in quickly if needed. One night, I was walking back to the dorms from downtown alone and a fight started a block up from me. I would have been nervous regardless, but as the fight was starting the two (white, presumably straight and cisgender given the argument) men kept calling one another homophobic slurs and getting angrier. I quickly sprinted down a side street and went a route very out of my way to avoid them. I knew if these two men who were angry at one another for having the potential of being gay and saw a visibly queer and trans person walking alone at night, I could quickly become their target instead.
I could quickly become their target instead. -Anonymous, 28
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Intro by Allison Moorman & Story by Alexandra Martin
Beat Meat T h e
If I had a dollar for every vegan fast food dish I’ve had, I’d have a dollar. Until now. • 25 •
Expanding Horizons - White Castle introduced their veggie burger in 2014
Vegans get made fun of almost as much as middle children (almost). But behind the acai bowls and kale chips is a lifestyle that gets hard outside of an at-home kitchen. Trips, work and lazy nights happen, and whether you’re a vegan or meat lover like I am, we all have those days when you’d rather pick up your dinner than put it together. My friend Alexandra, founder of The Warren, a one-stop blog for vegans, took me to a bunch of different popular fast food chains one Saturday afternoon. Hear me out—vegan burgers aren’t bad, and with the right amount of ketchup, get the job done. Coffee drinks with soy taste just the same, and I can handle eating a taco without sour cream and cheese, much to the chagrin on my Scandinavian roots. So, without further ado, I hand the reigns over to my favorite veg head, who now knows I can take my burgers without cheese (and beef).
Want to learn more? Visit:
t’s no secret that following a strict vegan diet is difficult. There’s a plethora of online blogs and resources providing amazing vegan recipes, but who has the time to cook every day and every meal? We all get busy, travel, and find ourselves on the go, which means that making home cooked vegan dishes isn’t always an option.
I
I’ve learned my way around my town’s vegan options and what to order where, but when you end up on the road and visit new destinations this safety net of familiarity disappears. Living many states away from my hometown in Alabama, 10 hour road trips are often a particularly difficult time for me. One cannot survive on gas station potato chips alone! I scour each roadside exit sign for options that aren’t Dickey’s Barbecue Pit and often wish I had planned out my route more thoughtfully when my stomach begins to rumble. Whether I’m traveling on the go or just not wanting to bother with expensive, sit-down craft restaurants, I love having the option to follow my vegan diet when it often isn’t so easy. If you’re in a rush with no time to cook or just need a “treat yourself” day, here is a guide to eating out at a few of my favorite popular chain restaurants (and the places I dragged a certain meat eating friend of mine).
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T a co B el l Headquarters: Irvine, CA| Vegan Options: 12 meals, 19 ingredients
I will admit that it took some time to get me onto the Taco Bell boat. However, with some research I’ve learned that Taco Bell is surprisingly one of the most vegan friendly fast food chains out there. In fact, Taco Bell has a whole page on their website outlining ways to eat vegan at their establishments with plenty of options for customization. The key to success at Taco Bell is the phrase “make it fresco,” which replaces the cheese and sour cream with pico de gallo. Taco Bell is also one of the most economical picks, my order of two tacos, a side of guacamole, and some cinnamon twists only came out to $4.38. I never thought I’d see a meal price that low ever again in my vegan life.
The Vegan Order: Bean Burrito Fresco: Sometimes beans, onions and some pico are all you need. 7-Layer Burrito Fresco: Rice, beans, guacamole, tomatoes, and lettuce are included in this flavor packed ‘rito. Bean Tacos: Substitute beef for beans and make it fresco. I order mine with a size of guacamole to act as an additional binding agent in the taco. Cinnamon Twists: Accidentally vegan dessert items are a rarity and welcomed with open arms. Mexican inspired food always deserves to be followed up with a sweet treat to balance the palette.
• 29 •
Restaurant Fact: Taco Bell has a clothing line at Forever 21, since that store’s shirts weren’t already weird enough.
P a n er a Headquarters: St. Louis | Vegan Options: around 30
Hello, resident Panera #1 fan here. Fresh bread is one life’s culinary treasures and a place with “bread company” in their very name is already a win for me. Sadly over the years, Panera’s menu has gotten less vegetarian friendly (high-school me still is mourning over the loss of the fontina grilled cheese) and especially less vegan friendly. However, I haven’t given up my passion for Panera yet, here are my top picks on what you can safely order. You’ll have to modify these options slightly, but as vegans, I’m sure we are all used to saying “could I get that with no cheese, actually?” First of all, not all breads are vegan. Panera breads not containing eggs and such include the Rye, Black Pepper Focaccia, Sea Salt Focaccia, Country, Sesame Semolina and Sourdough Breads. On a similar vein, bagels that are safe for vegan consumption are plain, blueberry, cranberry walnut, poppy seed and sesame bagels.
The Vegan Order: Mediterranean Veggie Sandwich: Order this one without feta and replace the tomato basil bread with one of the previously mentioned safe breads. This sandwich features piquant peppers, cucumbers, lettuce, vine-ripened tomatoes, red onions and cilantro-jalapeño hummus. Black Bean Soup: Soups are one of my favorite ways to eat a full serving of veggies all at once. This one is particularly delicious dipped with a french baguette. Vegan Lentil Quinoa Broth Bowl: A new addition to the Panera menu, this broth bowl is a new favorite. With an umami soy-miso broth as the base, it features organic quinoa and brown rice, a lentil blend, tomato sofrito, and fresh kale and spinach. Sign me up.
Restaurant Fact: Known nationally as Panera Bread Company, Panera, in its hometown of St. Louis and surrounding suburbs, is called “St. Louis Bread Company.” If you find yourself in the eastern Missouri area, you might hear someone say, “I really want Bread, Co.” When you hear this, don’t make fun. It upsets them.
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• 31 •
Restaurant Fact: White Castle was the first fast food restaurant. EVER. Also, its recipe for it original sliders hasn’t changed since its founding, and each Valentine’s Day, the restaurant has its own themed dinners for two.
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W h ite Ca s tl e Headquarters: Columbus, Ohio | Vegan Options: Less than 10
White Castle is of course known for its bite-sized sliders, a perfect on-the-go option. Sometimes I just want to go to a drive-thru and smash a meal in the car, something not easily done if your vegan on-the-go option is salad. However, sliders are ideal for such a thing. Lucky for us, these famous sliders are also available in veggie burger form, using a Dr. Praeger’s veggie burger patty. Try with any of their vegan sauce options of hot sauce, ketchup, Nashville-inspired hot sauce, smokey BBQ sauce, sweet chili sauce, yellow mustard, or mild salsa for some extra flavor. And of course, their french fries are also vegan, as they should be.
The Vegan Order: Sliders: Veggie; avoid if onion is not your jam Sauce: Everthing except Mayo. Fries: Vegan, as the gods intended.
• 33 •
Body o f m y
Own When
in
doubt,
flick it out.
Politics & Pussy Hunter Meyers, 2018
• 36 •
“I cracked a blanket in half, in half.”
f you’ve seen “Bridesmaids,” you get that line; if you haven’t, you still get the picture. When speaking about male masturbation, particularly during their formative years, it fuels punchlines. But when a woman experiences the same urges, it inspires the advent of the chastity belt.
I
Prostitution holds the title for the oldest profession, so one could argue that masturbation is the oldest pastime. In ancient Rome, Phallic statues and depictions of the god Priapus, and specifically, the worship of the “divine phallus” called Fascinus was thought to ward off the evil eye—and perhaps release some tension. In 2015, the oldest dildo was found in Germany. In England, they found phallic amulets worn by soldiers
as a display of virility. The charm necklaces of sorts were found at none other than Horncastle. You can’t make this stuff up, kids. Back then, sexuality was fluid and pleasure was pursued alongside life and liberty. So, what caused the decline of society’s obsession with sex? Ancient Israelites were just as fond of sex as their Greek and Roman counterparts; however, in their culture sex’s first and foremost goal was to procreate, a belief still held by many modern day religious traditions. Therefore, acts like homosexual sex, a practice celebrated in the Greek culture, and self-stimulation were frowned upon given that the acts couldn’t produce a child. It could be argued
• 37 •
that at this time, sex goes from fun to functional. The Medieval period and Middle Ages, saw the rise of repressive sexual culture. Many historians point to the spread of Christianity as the reason for sex’s vilification; perhaps a better explanation would be the leaders of the religious movement are the ones that took it to the extreme, practicing a sort of fundamentalism only now followed by a few branches of modern Christianity. The book of Leviticus, with its many (outlandish) rules, served as the play book for public and private life. This is the very book were homosexuality is labeled an “abomination”—right next to bestiality. Sure. Also, no sex on
while on your period, no sex with a neighbor and no incest—this last one we can actually get behind, except maybe the states of Rhode Island and New Jersey. And before we get completely red in the face, it is good to note that Leviticus also has guidelines for an immigration policy, saying that we should treat an “alien” no different when they are on our land. Maybe even a certain leader of a certain country with curiously small hands can grasp that idea. But I digress. Sex and personal pleasure have pretty much had a bad rap for nearly all of modern history. If you frequent a certain massively popular blog that Feeds the Buzz, you’ll know that Corn Flakes were even created to suppress female masturbation, but doctors were also taught to massage their female clients in a certain area to alleviate “hysteria.” Huh. What a juicy contradiction. But, perhaps the docs were on to something. Each time you reach your peak, your body releases dopamine and oxytocin – essentially a runner’s high, without even having to get out of bed. Also, doing it while Aunt Flo is in town can not only help relieve cramps, but help menstrual blood come out faster (to a degree).
And let’s not forget, should you be practicing completely alone with either clean fingers or toys, there is no way to get pregnant. With that thought in mind, go ahead, gear yourself up for another big O. As the tide begins to turn and masturbation is becoming embraced, it has not even become a part of quasi-sex education. At Stephens College, an all-women’s college in Columbia, MO, the school hosts “Sex After Dark,” a bingolike game where vibrators, condoms and other sex accoutrements are given away as prizes. “I don’t know if I’ll even use the tickler I won, but to see my school talk about something that even grocery store magazines won’t definitely makes waves for a sex positive community,” said one Stephens student. Yet, in the end, we all know that sex within the American culture may always be a hushhush subject – unlike the French, who make it a dinner table topic. But, just because we can’t talk about it, doesn’t mean we can’t do it. So, when times get tough (or frustrating) remember: When in doubt, flick it out.
Se x wit h in t he Am er ican cu l t u r e m a y a lwa ys be a h ush -hu s h s u bj ect – u n lik e t he French, who m ak e it a din n e r table topi c. • 38 •
• 39 •
The A-Team Navigating Nonexistence
Stor y by Erika Westoff
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• 42 •
If you make your way past the first four letters of the LGBT alphabet soup, you’ll eventually run into L-G-B-T-Q-I-A.
O
ften remembered only as “ally,” this A can also stand for agender, asexual (ace) or aromantic (aro). No, these terms are not directly connected. What they do have in common, however, is the prefix “a-” which means “not”. Not part of the male/ female gender binary, not sexually attracted to others, or not romantically attracted to others. Gender, sexuality and romance play such a prominent role in our society, but for those who identify with the capital A it is the dismissal of these identities that shape their experiences. Experiences that are as diverse as the individuals to whom they belong, particularly in the Stephens College community.
by their English teacher who openly identified as gender variant.
Gender, sexuality and romance play such a prominent role in our society, but for those who identify with the capital A it is the dismissal of these identities that shape their experiences. Upon introduction, Reinschmidt invokes the image of a modern skater version of a 70s folk singer. If you engage them in conversation it becomes clear that they possess a wealth of Old Hollywood trivia. Reinschmidt identifies as a non-binary lesbian. Much like Santee, Reinschmidt didn’t identify as agender until college.
Cai Santee’s hot pink hair, beat-up combat boots, and jean jacket stuck full of political pins visually key people into their punk aesthetic and activism. What their style doesn’t tell you is that they are a poet with an unironic love of country music and a non-binary woman-aligned lesbian.
“I always knew that I didn’t fit in the gender binary, but non-binary didn’t feel like a space I could occupy until recently. I finally felt comfortable with myself,” says Reinschmidt.
“The ‘A’ of my identity is my gender. I have a flow chart of identification: trans, non-binary, and agender. In my brain my gender is very solid and it’s disconnected from the societal binary,” says Santee, “but my expression of gender swifts. Some days it is very feminine, like campy feminine, and other days it’s very masculine, in a kind of default way.”
For Reinschmidt, claiming the agender label was more about being open with themselves than anything. A fear exists that excess labels make everything more confusing rather than helping, a fear that Santee disagrees with.
Santee had always felt that they weren’t a woman, but didn’t discover the term agender until college. Meanwhile, Janet Reinschmidt was introduced to gender theory in high school
“Labels are just putting names to feelings that already exist. We’re not creating new feelings, it’s like oh this is a feeling and there is a word for it and there is a community for it and I can get
• 43 •
“Labels can be empowering. Having a term made me feel valid.” Says Bashaw. advice on how to maneuver it in society,” says Santee, “For example: I’m woman-aligned in that I’m a femme lesbian.”
one percent of the world’s adult population is asexual, but a stigma exists surrounding the term. Until very recently, the scientific community labeled asexuality as a disorder. Research conducted at institutions such as the University of British Columbia (UBC) has since concluded that asexuality is best defined as a sexual orientation.
The woman-aligned label for non-binary folks acknowledges their experiences in a binary society. A femme presenting non-binary person walking down the street will still be seen and treated as a woman. When nonbinary individuals assert their place in what are considered women’s issues and spaces, like Stephens College, it can cause confusion for those who see it as contradictory.
Olivia Bashaw’s personality practically vibrates through their small frame in what could be mistaken for nervous energy. Brown roots peak out of gray hair, off-setting their hodge podge grandma style. Bashaw is asexual and a self-labeled lesbian since it would take a very specific guy to spark their interest.
“I configured it to make sense for me because women’s colleges were created to give a safe learning space to a marginalized gender, which is still what I am,” says Santee.
“Labels can be empowering. Having a term made me feel valid,” says Bashaw, “I thought I was broken, but then I realized there was a label for what I was feeling.”
Santee and others have found their place within what are assumed to be solely women’s spaces, but they still experience moments of exclusion including the equation of genitals with gender or being told their pronouns aren’t valid.
In 2016, UBC researchers published a dissertation that stated “no single theory can explain asexuality”, underscoring the “diversity among the asexual population.” Diversity that is seen in the asexual community present on Stephens College campus.
“I’ve had a lot of people tell me that you can’t use they/them pronouns if you’re one person. Then people will use that as an excuse to ignore your identity altogether,” says Reinschmidt, “but grammar is always evolving.” Evolution is seen not only in grammar, but in labels that apply to sexuality. Approximately
Sitting in front of her Overwatch gaming monitor, Courtney Sarpy exudes a quiet presence at odds with her height and
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“I thought I was broken, but then I realized there was a label for what I was feeling.” assertive voice. She loves Korean pop and dramas, attributing a portion of that love to the fact that they aren’t as sexualized as Western media. Sarpy identifies as asexual and is non-discriminatory when it comes to gender and romantic attraction.
Society is so sex entrenched that it is assumed everyone is both straight and sexual until proven otherwise, Bashaw explains. Bashaw considered themselves heteorsexual until they realized they didn’t have to be interested in either men or sex.
“Asexual as a label is like a cloud casting a shadow, it’s covering everyone who identifies under it, but we’re all catching a different amount of shade,” says Sarpy, “People make a lot of assumptions when I say I’m asexual, like that I don’t masturbate. Masturbation? Fine. Sex? No.”
“I’ve been trying to reclaim the word prude for myself,” says Bashaw, “Prude has a lot of bad associations with it, but I want to use it as a way to empower myself. Yeah, I don’t want to hear about sex and I think that I have a right to not have to hear about sex.” Sarpy rejects the word “prude”.
A difference exists between sexual attraction and having a sex drive, Sarpy explains. Other people don’t have to be involved in order for someone to have a sex drive, but this fact causes many people to assume that asexuals’ lack of attraction to others stems from past sexual trauma. Past trauma may be a contributing factor for some people, such as Bashaw, but it doesn’t undermine their asexuality.
“It bothers me when people are talking about their one night stands, but also it’s your body. You do you,” says Sarpy, “You’re not a slut, I’m not a prude. We’re just who we are.” Bashaw and Sarpy brought up many different assumptions surrounding asexuality, but one in particular was the automatic connection people draw between asexuality and aromanticism. Almost no consideration is given to aromanticism as its own individual concept. The few studies where aromanticism is discussed are asexuality studies with subjects who identify as both aro and ace.
“For me it is trauma based, or well, it’s hard to say if it is directly trauma based, but the trauma that I had definitely solidified my asexuality. Honestly, the fact that I had to even force myself to be in my past relationship is telling, but it’s hard to remember how I felt before it happened,” says Bashaw.
The subject of aromanticism in people who experience sexual attraction has yet to be really explored. Something that should be
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“My least favorite question is, ‘What are you?’ Are you asking me about my race, my sexuality or my star sign? • 46 •
stated is that romantic attraction and sexual attraction can exist separately. For some people the two align, like if someone identified as both bisexual and biromantic. For others the two attractions differ, like if someone is heterosexual and aromantic. Aromantics can still have close platonic sexual relationships, much like how asexuals can still have romantic relationships. People who identify as aromantic could also be asexual and agender or any combination of identities. Many would argue that there is a clear connection between sexuality, romance, and gender, but theoretical arguments don’t always apply to lived experiences. Bashaw, Sarpy, Santee and Reinschmidt all touched the ways in which people have casually undermined their identities with phrases such as, “you haven’t met the right person yet”, “you have to be either male/ female”, “you just want attention”, and the plaintiff “but that doesn’t exist”. Those outside the LGBT community are not the only ones saying these things. Even within the LGBT community there is a rejection of the prefix a- identities. With every interview conducted, an need to defend instead of just discuss their identities was present. “My least favorite question is, ‘What are you?’ Are you asking me about my race, my sexuality or my star sign? There are so many things that I am, Creole, asexual, a Virgo. So, explain what you want and then accept what I give you.” says Sarpy, “My asexuality is not who I am as a person even if it is a part of me, but once I explain that I’m asexual to people it seems like they think that’s all I am.” Despite push back outside and within the LGBT community, Reinschmidt asserts that a space exists for those who identify as agender, asexual or aromantic. The process of finding that space may vary person to person, but the most important aspect is self-reflection and self-identification. “I’m comfortable with myself, so it’s not like everyone else has to be comfortable with me too, which is something that I’m finally getting,” says Reinschmidt.
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Breaking the Binds t he bre ak i n g po i n ts, rec o v er y and life with an eating disorder. as told to Allison Moorman
• 48 •
rior to sitting down with Hannah Dorey and Anna Tripolitis, two women who have dealt and are still dealing with eating disorders, I had a certain picture of what eating disorders looked like in my mind. Picture middle 2000s: Mary Kate Olsen, being called out for eating only a plate of lettuce at a business lunch. Tara Reid, looking emaciated in a bikini. Kate Bosworth, bending over in a low-cut gown, with a clear shot of every single one of her ribs.
P
AT: I was pretty much fully aware of everything from the start, so personally I went through seven years of denial. But when I started college, it kind of blew up in my face and I had to go to therapy. Even in with my therapist I denied it at times, and sometimes I still do. What was the tipping point? When did you realize you were at your worst point?
Remember when we took the P-SAT, were given a list, and made to choose which item in the list didn’t belong? Example: trunk, tire, wheel, dog—I won’t give you the answer to that question, but I hope you know it. The bottom line is, we have been taught and tested to seek out commonalities, norms, things that make sense when assessed together. So, when we see a waiflike starlet being checked into rehab for an eating disorder, our minds naturally make sense of it, because she fits the bill—rich, white, blonde.
AT: In the late summer of 2014, l had just gone through a breakup and it got to a point where I was just bingeing and purging, up to 11 times a day. I had no time for anything else. Even then I didn't do anything about it for another seven months or so. I usually would run through like six different fast food restaurants and like take it all home or sometimes they wouldn't even wait till I got home and eat it all in like a considerably small amount of time, in 30 to 45 minutes. Then, for the next hour, I would throw up.
However, no two eating disorder experiences are the same. Each have a different cause, trigger, backstory and recovery. Out of the 70 million men and women in the world who struggle with an eating disorder, here are the stories of two:
i t g o t t o a po i n t w he re I w as j u st bi n g e i n g an d pu r g i n g , u p t o 1 1 t im e s a d ay . . . e v e n i f I di d w an t t o e at a re g u l ar m e al , I phy si cal l y c o u l d n o t , I w o u l d phy si cal l y g e t si ck.
When were you diagnosed with your eating disorder? HD: It took me a while to get an official diagnosis, but I left college in the fall of 2016, was in hospital for a little bit then I was officially diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. AT: I was diagnosed really late, not until 2015. The official title is: eating disorder, not otherwise specified. Leading up to that, do you have any specific instances that made you go, oh my God, I have an eating disorder and try to deny it or was it always the denial process?
I was super dehydrated all the time. It was at this point where even if I did want to eat a regular meal, I physically could not, I would physically get sick and involuntarily throw up. My throat was sore all the time, and now I have a really raspy voice because of it. Fortunately, the physical things didn’t go much past that.
HD: Um, for me it was always in an all process. I think it was something that was building since I was a kid, but I just didn't even realize. Coming to college when you're faced with this like stressful situation, you find whatever coping method works and I guess it was just accelerated in a way. In my head, I knew something was wrong and I knew the risks and I did the research, but I was always adamant that it was just a temporary thing.
HD: The worst came through of all things, an app. I had this calorie counter on my phone, and I would be horrified if I ate anywhere above 800 calories in one day. And that number just kept going down and down and down.
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I would make up all these rules for myself, like nothing over 100 calories in one sitting. I couldn't stand that feeling of being full. So, I would just make these rules to just not feel full, so like eat half and honest and things like that. Normally, it would be half a banana, it was luck that kept me from throwing it up. And on top of that, I was playing tennis and going to the gym every day for three hours at a time. The worst point was one day in August. I just could not move on the court and my chest was hurting so much that I was admitted to hospital that night here in America. Not long after that I made the decision to go home, back to Australia, to receive treatment. How did you come to understand your disease as you received treatment? HD: My psychologist, doctor and whole recovery team explained it this way: you have a certain pathway in your brain that makes you develop an eating disorder, and people can only develop an eating disorder if they have that type of mental makeup. That made me change my whole mindset, to actually treat my disorder like a disease. It’s a disease in the same way that you would treat chronic migraines or any other medical issue, it deserves that type of respect.
I t ’s a d ise ase in the same w ay that you would treat chron ic m ig raines or any o t her m edical issue, it de ser ves tha t type of respect. When you look at media portrayals of eating disorders, like in the film “To the Bone”, do you feel that they are accurate? HD: I don't want to ever negate someone's experience, but generally speaking, that's not what happens nowadays. The whole film was problematic. First, you’ve got the unsupportive family, while in my experience, my family saved my life. During my treatment, I switched hospitals, and was placed next to another girl with an eating
disorder, which is right off the bat, not what's supposed to happen, because eating disorders are very competitive by design. So, the film’s whole idea of being in a house with all these meetings and then commiserating together over eating disorders is inaccurate. At this hospital, there was this really terrible doctor who said eating disorders stem from the following: money issues, family issues and boyfriend issues. That’s bullshit. They can play a part, but they don’t cause them; yet, To the Bone supported that idea. AT: One thing the film did represent for me was the unsupportive family. To this day, I don't think my mom believes that I had an eating disorder, or that it was properly diagnosed by my therapist. She even questioned my therapist's abilities for a while. But beyond that specific film, I think it’s very hard to find accurate media representation. It’s very onesided. I feel like they exploit eating disorders, by glamorizing and romanticizing them.
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look sick. What’s wrong with me?” With a lot of eating disorders, everything looks fine, so when people don’t believe you, it strengthens that eating disorder “voice.”
We often talk about what is happening on the outside with an eating disorder, because it’s tangible, it’s visible. But, what is an eating disorder like on the inside?
I have a certain privilege in my recovery, being a white, middle class woman. But what if I was a person of color and a man? That’s why it is so important not to negate someone’s experience, because it only fuels the illogical part of themselves that tells them everything is fine.
HD: There is this certain eating disorder “voice.” You don't hear it as an actual voice, but it's just these urges that you have to fight not to give in to. During my recovery, my mom would say, “is the voice loud today?” If I said yes, she would say “tell that bitch to shut up!”
AT: When you don’t look like you have an eating disorder, that’s when things become dangerous. Being someone who is plus size and saying that I have an eating disorder, people just think I binge. They assume because it acts as an excuse for my weight. It’s hard, because people will see pictures of me from high school when I was restricting and say, “oh, that’s not you. Did you edit it? That’s a fake picture.” They think I looked my best, when really, I was at my worst.
So right now, are there ever triggers for you? AT: All the time, every single day. I also struggled with substance abuse, but my eating disorder was way harder to get over, especially after I got sober. It was as if I had gotten over one coping mechanism but was still left with another. To this day, when things get stressful, it’s really easy for me to slip back into certain habits like purging. I don’t have any food triggers per se, but still, if I see others eating around me with less on their plate, I wonder if I should be eating the amount I have on my own. In that moment I have to convince myself not to throw up. I kind of developed this fear of eating with other people. You usually can't tell, but there's an inner monologue going on inside my head. It's hard to shake that instinct when you've been developing it for years.
D u ri n g m y re co v e r y, m y mo m w o u l d say, “ i s t he v o i c e l o u d t o day ?” If I sai d ye s, she w o u l d say “t e ll t ha t bit ch t o s h ut up!”
HD: A trigger for me is also significant amounts of stress. In those moments, I have to be more cautious. But there are also a bunch of little things that can strike a nerve. On a good day, I can be sitting with friends and we can be talking about weight and diets and what not. But the next day, if anyone even mentions the words “weight loss,” I have to leave the room. I always used to get really upset when people would make the “triggered” joke over something silly, but nowadays I don't get upset by it because I realized that things I find funny can be triggers for others, and visa versa.
What’s a piece of advice you would give to someone dealing with an eating disorder? HD: I know for a fact how isolating an eating disorder is. I lied to my friends, family and even my recovery team, telling them I was fine. But, you have to fight back against that. You have to learn to trust others, and also yourself. You know it’s a long road, but it’s so worth it. To have your health back, to have your life back, there’s nothing more freeing.
The picture often painted is there is only one type of eating disorder and you have to be a certain type of girl to have one. However, do you two ever feel like when you say that you had an eating disorder, that you've been discredited by others because you don't look like the “norm?”
AT: Damn. Ditto.
HD: People always do the whole body scan. Whenever I tell people I have anorexia, they think I’m joking because I look healthy, even when I was in the hospital. I was always telling myself, “I don’t
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