GOLDEN
A Kreimendahl
Nihilism
I cant talk about my mom dying but I can tell you how I don’t have silent pauses, or moments I just feed them I really do stuff them life itself I told myself I didn't know where it started and where it ended, and assumed maybe everyone else knew but when you say relativity someone might tell you that its what makes your heart jump I can really really make my own heart flutter people talk about passion like its biology we mention relativity again and I feel inadequate, and then defeated and then inadequate all over again that’s what I really stuff those moments with that’s really when my heart jumps so you can say my passion is making myself lower, feel lower and lower and lower until I feel its time to be wrung out and taken back up again again again again again this is my best biology
The force drawing you towards things you’ve never considered to be you move with your current I’ve fallen in love with the ocean inside of me the purpose is not to drown but to explore the I swear I can see gold at the bottom
these mantras will one day save my life I laugh and I write The same sentence on the same piece of paper I’ve been using for almost Two weeks Eight times One after another and I stare back at my handwriting Breathe, absorb One day I will remember that They make it look so easy, but not once have they said that it ever was.
Nothing in the driver’s seat but almost everything in the backs of buses it’s designed to make you feel that way do you ever notice. Maybe you’re lucky enough to have not. And that’s okay. I’m not here to make you feel bad about it. Just point it out. When you travel a certain way your guts react differently. When you’re traveling up the middle of Florida and west through the panhandle and into Alabama your insides feel mostly invisible, your brain chemistry tells you how cowardly you are and how you hate thinking maybe what you're doing is similar to what you hated your father for doing but you don’t think about those things and you swallow them and fill those gaps where your invisible guts are.
Dear you I loved you through every moment that I did not love myself I did not let myself feel and I observed like a passenger in my own life now that I am here and you are not and I am looking at myself I am aching and I will do that until my body tells me to stop and then I will float in this experience I do not want to forget, for the first time you’ve made me not want to forget but to not want to remember because this love is painful every kiss and word and plan has failed time and miles and energy and no sleep you’ll make me want to remember you’ll make me want to say thank you dear you, there is so much to be said about the miles in between us but there will always be value in what you gave to me while I broke every part of our love so that I could be whole
Living Just to kill Your insides Hang you Mentally resistant To growth Living Just to die For the last decade Its been a tie Now I Gauge Rip Remove All of the rotten parts To make My insides Shine
I will let passion in even if it kills me if it fills my heart and soul first then it was worth the burn the gut wrenching feeling of being stabbed in the back I am finally happy
Its not easier it just isn’t unbearable anymore. I’m grateful for everything I thought life was supposed to be Make yourself at home
IT COMES IN BURSTS OR NEVER AT ALL HOW CAN YOU BE GRATEFUL FOR SOMETHING THAT WALKS OUT EVERY CHANCE THAT IT GETS OR LACKS IN DENSITY SO MUCH THAT YOU CAN SEE THROUGH IT WHEN THE LIGHT HITS IT THROUGH THE CRACKS YOU COULDN’T FILL.
If you haven't learned this by now then you never will because you should have by now but you never will because by now you should already know this so I will not take my time explaining it to you because if you don’t know by now then you never will. Is what im exhausted of saying, over and over, as I’m sure anybody is, once which is what the inside of my head looks like I don’t care, if ive said it before of if you’ve said it before or if your favorite musician has said it before or if your best friend has said it before the days where keeping a single thought in my head just in one place is so, exhausting and even worse, figuring out which ones im supposed to hate myself for I hope you’re able to take your days as lightly as I can envision them being in my head