Health

Relationships

Green Lights and Red Flags

By Hartley Newell-Acero and Amy Schmidt

When we talk about “relationships,” it’s often assumed that we mean romance. While those kinds of attachments play a large role in many people’s lives, they’re certainly not the only relationships worth contemplating. We have other connections: family, friends, co-workers, supervisors, neighbors, and all of those associations can have relational “green lights” or “red flags.” It’s important to know which behaviors are green lights and which are red flags so that you can choose to engage in relationships that are edifying and healthy.

While it is normal to maintain a different level of relationship with different people (consider the differences between your relationship with a co-worker verses a best friend), relating in a healthy way often looks similar no matter the relationship. Why? Because healthy relationships are characterized by “green flag” behaviors.

Respect is a critical green flag. Respect is demonstrated when we talk to someone kindly and truthfully and when we act in ways that show we value their time and opinions. Trust, too, is important. When we trust someone, we believe that they have good intentions and we feel safe with them. They’re dependable, and we know that they’ll act in our best interest, even when we’re apart. Good communication is also a relational green flag. Being straightforward, even if it’s uncomfortable, in ways that the other person can absorb and understand, is good communication. A relationship founded on good communication means you talk frequently, openly, calmly, respectfully and rationally.

This is a mere handful of the green flags. For a more exhaustive list, check out this article from Psychology Today (bit.ly/psychologytodayarticle).

Now for the red lights. These behaviors signal danger and should prompt us to both avoid these actions in ourselves and take necessary precaution against those who inflict them on us.

Lack of communication means shutting down discussions with emotional distance (the silent treatment), anger, or changing the topic. It can also mean dominating conversations, leaving others with no time to talk or not listening when they do. Dishonesty can show up both as knowingly telling untruths, or withholding information. Contempt can be camouflaged as sarcasm, being condescending, hurtful humor, insults, or making fun of someone. It sends the message of one person being superior and the other being inferior. Lack of appreciation is signaled by not noticing someone’s efforts, not expressing gratitude, or neglecting to acknowledge someone’s contributions.

Again, this is only a smattering of red light behaviors that we should look to avoid when relating with others. Rigidness, lack of empathy, suspicion, impatience…the list goes on. It is good practice to regularly take stock of our relationships and ask ourselves whether we or others are demonstrating any of these toxic behaviors. If the answer is yes, take steps to right the wrongs. And be gracious with yourself and others. No relationship is ever perfect. Truth be told, even the best relationships will suffer from the occasional red light behavior. Commit yourself to humility and the art of apology and forgiveness. If you feel, in anyway, physically or emotional threatened by a relationship, seek professional help. The Violence Prevention Center (218-387-1262) is a good place to start.

Note: Written by staff members of the Sawtooth Mountain Clinic, in collaboration with Cook County Public Health and Human Services.

Even the best relationships will occasionally suffer from red light behavior.

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